heck of a week

 * I was anxious still most of the day. No phone calls so I presume everything is okay (I do my weekly call to my mom tomorrow night, and I think I will wait until then, rather than maybe bothering her tonight. I think she knows I'm concerned)

* That said, I hope she gets a medical checkup, there are simple things that could have caused her confusion. Then again, it could have been partly visibility issues - apparently it was badly overcast there yesterday afternoon and once it got dark I know she'd have a harder time seeing and spotting street signs. (Unlike me, she doesn't navigate by landmarks)

* But other things as well. Of course it's Election Day and I am hoping there will be enough voter repudiation of the current policies to send a message, and hopefully, seat a Congress that will right the ship.

No, I will not be watching returns, I am not sure what I will do, whether I go to bed early and try to read, or if I find something comforting to watch (though there's not much on, unless I go for Poirot on Passport on my computer)

* And the horrific plane crash in Florida. I didn't watch the video or listen to the audio (or even read the transcript) but I saw a photo and that was enough.

And the mass shootings. It's just upsetting how terrible some people can be. I can't ever imagine having an argument with someone bad enough I'd want to harm them.

*I'm tired, even though I know I slept last night. And I found, once again, hugging a stuffed animal tight to my chest helped. I slept most of the night hugging my big red panda stuffie and I think I felt more comfortable and slept more soundly. There may be something about pressure on the sternum area, I don't know, or maybe it's more a feeling of "I am not alone, I am not totally cut from the pack, I am not in an unsafe vulnerable position" even though that's not exactly true (and anyway, locked in my house I'm probably as safe as I am anywhere)

*You can probably understand I didn't knit....well, at all....last night. It was about three hours of either waiting for the phone to ring or talking on the phone. In between taking calls from T. and from the police officer who helped (Officer Voles, and I remember that because it's the same as a little prairie animal and also he told me to remember it so if my mom complained at me about her driver's license being lifted (though I was really the one to approve it) he said I was to tell her "officer Voles said he had to do it, let me be the bad guy here"), I called a couple people from church (partly asking for prayers, even though I admit I have my doubts at time if prayer makes an actual difference, but also just to hear a friendly voice). And I called a couple colleagues - first, to inform them (this was before I knew the outcome) that I might have to leave town on short notice and then also I asked one colleague for my chair's number (which I didn't have) so I could let HIM know.

As it turns out he has access to my Canvas pages and said if I had to leave town, he could at least see that ecology and the intro class were covered. I'm glad it didn't have to be so, but I suspect eventually I may be having to deal with that.

* But yeah, I need to eat. I haven't eaten much since lunch yesterday  - was too upset in the evening, though I did manage a small serving of blueberries and some cheese about 9 pm, and today at lunch I went out to a local place and got eggs and ham and a not-very-good biscuit but now I need to heat back up the chicken cutlets I cooked, what was it, Saturday? and decide if I want to make pasta and have chicken parm again, or just heat up the cutlet and some veggies and do that....and then I have to practice piano more and I hope I feel less anxious soon, but I do have that unpleasant, fizzy, "something very bad very nearly happened and I don't know if what did happen is as bad as it seems or if the people who told me about it kind of overblew it." I'll know more on Wednesday but I'm not so good with "I have incomplete information and I need to wait to know"

*And I'm once again feeling that "being independent and alone may have been a bad choice" (though I'm not sure how much of a "choice" it was) and I keep trying to reframe "alone" in my head as "free" (in that I would not have to consider another person's needs or feelings, I wouldn't have someone moping around wondering why dinner wasn't underway when I was in no mood to fix it - in the worst case - but also, in the best case I don't have someone to wrap me up in his arms and tell me he's sorry I'm dealing with this, and things will work out somehow eventually....)

But I don't know. Once again the, "you will have to figure out how to do all the 'family' holidays alone in not very long" and that's mostly Thanksgiving and Christmas and no, I wouldn't want to impose on someone else's family for them, and be the stranger at the table. So I'll have to figure something out eventually. Unlike more urban young people, Friendsgiving would not be a thing. (Most of my friends here are widows with grown kids and grandkids....the only other option would be to try to assemble a group of students who couldn't travel and try to do a potluck or something, but there's not room in my house for a group, so we'd have to find another place to have it....)

 

Then again? Maybe this was a fluke and my mom will be fine for a few more years yet, I don't know. But yesterday really kind of broke me a little.