a park trip

 I decided to go to Chickasaw National Recreation Area today, even though I knew it was going to be hot. I figured if I left here at 8, putting me up there around 9:30 (when everything opens up) I could get in a quick hike to Antelope and Buffalo Springs before it got really hot

I think I needed it. This is a view of Travertine Creek from one of the side trails. I need to hear the sound of flowing water periodically.

I did walk out to Antelope and then Buffalo Springs. Antelope wasn't flowing as hard as sometimes (it's been dry) but it was flowing (some years the flow was really low)

 I really like Antelope Springs, and this early in the morning it was TOTALLY peaceful; no other people around. (I did meet an older couple as I was walking back to the nature center, and there was a cross-country team doing an early practice from the parking lot, but apparently they went the opposite direction

Here's a video (I love that I can take short videos with my phone)

 

 I also walked out to Buffalo Springs. Antelope is the more natural one; Buffalo has that surround that was built (as I remember from reading) by the CCC in the 1930s (a lot of the park structures were, and mercifully, they survived the 2024 tornado that took down a number of trees and also destroyed the downtown)

 there are water striders on the pool. Some folks call them "Jesus bugs" because they can walk on water (get it?). They're a type of hemipteran and at least some species eat mosquito larvae, so they are good bugs:

 I also took a video here but be forewarned, about 2/3 of the way through I speak (I was trying to keep my voice low to not disturb other creatures). But yeah: early morning on a week day is the BEST time because there are no crowds

 After that, I walked back to the nature center; that was about as far as I wanted to walk (it was starting to get hot already at 10:30 or so).

They have some small nice displays and anyway, it's good to get into the cool.

They had some new fossil displays: an ammonite and some pelycypods (sort of like clams)

 

They also still have their bees but the colony looked small today; it's possible most of the workers were out but given how hot it was I don't think that was it. (I didn't see much movement in the tube to the outside)

 

I did buy myself a couple "treats" (More and more, I find I need "treats" to keep going)

There were treats of the more-grown-up sort: a book on the park's history (it used to be Platt National Park, that was a smaller area including the springs and Bromide Hill; when they expanded in the 1970s, they became a National Recreation Area

And a magnet showing a stylized view of one of the little rapids on Travertine Creek in the fall, for my file cabinet at work (I have a bunch of magnets, many that people have sent me):

 

I also got a silly thing.

But just LOOK at her. Isn't she cute? Isn't her eyeliner perfect?

 I tried out various names and settled on Tina, like Tina-Louise (who was Ginger on Gilligan's Island). She is small but very soft.

After that, I ran up to Bromide Hill but there was a couple there so I just quickly had a look and grabbed a photo.

 At that point I was hungry, so I looked up where the Roma's there had moved to (I ate at their old location, back in either 2022 or 2023, and I had contemplated eating at their new location to celebrate their survival after the tornado. The new location is nicer...)

I got chicken parm. It was good but there was so much there I left most of the spaghetti

 I also ran over to the Chickasaw-Country visitor center (run by the tribe, not the NPS) and looked at their art displays and the history they had up (I think I've seen that display before). I also ran to Spice and Tea exchange for more coconut oolong loose tea, and I got a package of candied ginger (which I like, and is good for the stomach) and a fancy candle that smells like coffee.

And by then, it was a bit after 1, it was hot, and I decided I just wanted to go home. I had thought of exploring more in the park to see if I could see the effects of the tornado (mostly downed trees, they had said the "flower park" near the Vendome Well had the most damage, but I didn't get there).

Driving home, I was wondering if I should have stopped for gas, and then I saw a gas station up the road. And it was a Sinclair station! (yes, I know, they are a "zombie brand," owned by someone else now, but I had some of the little plastic dinos they used to give out when I was a very small child - it's even possibly my parents acquired them before I was born, and then handed them over when I was the right age to play with plastic dinos). So I have a little soft spot for the brand

While the gas was pumping, I ran over and got a photo of their fiberglass "Dino" mascot (a Brontosaurus or Apatosaurus depending on which terminology you accept)

 I also tried to grab a selfie with him but it was hard to tell how good the photo was because it was so bright out at that point:

And then on home. Tomorrow will be a (local, there is construction on 75 that will make driving on it undesirable until mid September, so I'm going to try not to go into Texas until then) grocery shopping and maybe more sorting of yarn bins. 

But yeah, two days out in one week, but I think I needed them.
 

Still off campus...

 Yeah the, uh, incident (they sent a strict letter yesterday telling us what we could and could not say about it, which is funny, given it started a week ago now...) is still ongoing. I can't use my office computer, or so I've been told, and none of the other faculty were in when I drove by and checked midmorning so I assume we're still supposed to stay off campus.

I did write my syllabi here at home yesterday. It was a pain because at work I have access to files, and I have a double monitor set up. And this year, I'm changing them more than I usually do; in one class in particular I've had to restructure some things as a way of hopefully discouraging the temptation to use a LLM on assignments instead of doing them themselves. (I have no idea how likely that would be, some of the students - mostly research students - I've spoken to are pretty seriously opposed to use of things like Claude or ChatGPT for classwork, but I want to be sure it's as level a playing field for....well, let's just say people of different ethical beliefs on that. Anyway, if I am teaching certain SKILLS I want people to practice those skills and not outsource them.) I was pretty tired when I got done last afternoon (I have four classes in the fall.)

I also did set my home desk back up; it had kind of become a stuff-catcher and I needed space to elevate my laptop slightly (to make viewing the screen more ergonomic, but also to fit the outboard keyboard I now use in front of it. The outboard keyboard is a little larger and therefore less likely for me to make typos BUT ALSO a couple keys (3, e, d, and c) died on the laptop keyboard and I've just never been bothered to take it in to a repair place. I SUSPECT it's simply a loose connection given the fact that the keys are all in a diagonal rank, but honestly, if I work at the desk? The outboard keyboard is easier to use and probably better for my hands and wrists).

SO here it is. I'm trying not to give myself "big 2020" memories but yeah, this is where I worked from mid April (when I bought the desk and had it delivered, realizing that sitting to work in my recliner was wrecking my back) until our return to campus in the fall. It's not a bad set up though; I can see out a window and until late in the day when the sun is in the west, it's not too warm

 The wallpaper photo is one I took myself, very early one morning up on campus. 

Last  night I got the striped sock up to a point where I want to stop to do the heel flap:

 This morning I had my annual checkup. I'm always anxious about these (despite knowing my bloodwork results were good); when you're a heavy woman it's always fraught and I had bad doctor experiences in the past, but my current doctor is very low key and usually doesn't mention my weight (I am holding my own - not gaining any but not dropping an appreciable amount). She did ask me about vitamin D and suggested something I didn't know: I might want to try a supplement with an added low dose of vitamin K because there's some evidence that helps with absorption. She also suggested taking it at NIGHT when I mentioned I thought maybe it upset my stomach a little (and she did not pooh-pooh that - she said "yes, that can happen" about it upsetting stomach). 

Only other advice was to get an RSV vaccine which seems like solid advice, I will do that next week; she said she'd treated three adults for it already this summer.

Most of today was spent updating the Canvas pages with my syllabus and photos and deleting the volumes of stuff that is extraneous if you teach a fully face-to-face class (Canvas very much "privileges" online teaching, and that ever so slightly annoys me. I am a dedicated face-to-face teacher; I have some outside evidence that I am a good teacher face to face and I did NOT feel like I taught well online, though some of that could have been the upsets and weirdness of 2020. Still, it's not something I want to do if I don't need to, and I know some of my students have remarked THEY prefer face-to-face classes to online)

So I'm as ready as I can be for week after next. Next week, two days are meetings; I sincerely hope the Internet is back and usable so I can go in and accessibilify the couple of very-end-of-the-semester slide decks I have (disease ecology for ecology; resources and endangered species for EPL). If not, I can do it some time early in the semester. 

Tomorrow, if we're not back? I might dig out a few more tubs of yarn (yes I have a LOT of yarn) and sort it and put it in the rest of the space bags I have, and maybe be more "intentional" about setting aside things I don't think I'll ever use for donation somewhere or perhaps to swap with people. Though now I admit my inclination is to just donate it all if I can find a single place that will take it; a lot of it will be fingering-weight yarn and I'm not quite sure my fellow knitters (the ones for whom I have current addresses) would appreciate getting a big box of random sock yarn. Oh, I could be wrong, but I know a lot of us are in the mode of "holy cow how did I acquire so much?")

Though also I am finding yarn and going "oh, I want to start that project soon!" but I also know I need to finish a few things; of the bigger stuff the yellow vest and the giant color-shifting blanket are probably closest to done.

I think, though, for tonight I have earned a small treat, will be one of the "colossal loaded potatoes" from the local (VERY local! just a couple blocks from me) good barbecue place - it comes with cheese and sour cream and you can order whatever meat you want on it (the smoked chicken is good and I will probably do that) AND I might even indulge in the rare treat of a Coke or something similar. 

the cultural center

 Since I couldn't go in and use my campus computer, I decided to take the day and go to the Choctaw Cultural Center in my town. I had been to the cafe there a couple times, and I've done fieldwork in the prairie, but I had never been to the museums/displays. 

I got the "educator's discount." It's not expensive for what's there, but the man at the desk asked me the various things (did I have a CDIB card, and no, you can't always tell if someone is Native without asking) and when he asked if I was a teacher I said "Well, I'm a biology professor..." and he said "That counts" (Professors make more than public school teachers so I wondered if *ethically* I was entitled to the discount). The woman working with him piped up: "I knew it! You have a professor 'vibe'" which is funny to me because several people who didn't know me in several situations (e.g., an Amtrak sleeping car attendant) have asked me "are you a professor" and I'm not quite sure how they clock me as that, whether it's how I speak or how I carry myself, or what. 

I had been told that "plan on spending several hours" and yes, it is a very complete museum, and there's a LOT to see - I admit I kind of went fast through the most modern stuff and the "rotating display" (On a big Labor Day celebration they do, which is like a fair) because I was getting tired.

My favorite part was the really early history stuff. Anthropologically and culturally, the Choctaw are related to the Eastern Woodland tribes; they consider the area around Moundville, Alabama their ancestral home. There's a relief map showing a reconstruction of the mounds, and there's a re-creation of an ancient dwelling, and that was really interesting to see. (I've been up to Spiro Mounds; I think that was a slightly different group but there are some similarities). There's also a big display on agriculture - a special variety of corn, and a squash called sweet potato squash, and beans, and sunflower, and I might be forgetting a fifth crop that was grown? But I am interested in how people hundreds of years ago - or a thousand years ago - not living in an urbanized area, lived. 

It was very much a matrilineal society; women owned the houses, and they did most of the farming while the men mostly went out to hunt. The children stayed with the women and helped farm; the old people did too if they were able. It was a more communal society, which may be an important point for "how did people survive" - sharing the labor in something like a subsistence farming situation is going to be pretty necessary (and not paying too much attention to "hey that person is injured and can't quite pull their weight" and maybe feed them less, like might happen in modern America)

There was a set up with three of the origin stories - two legends, and one based on archaeology. It was in a constructed cave that had different chambers you walked into. There were "handprints" you pressed to see and hear the origin story. It was very dim and I found it disorienting, but not in an unpleasant way; I think it was more memorable like that. 

Then the flow of the rooms took you to the broken treaties, and how the early colonists (Yes, Jefferson, too) wanted to try to get the land that the Choctaw and other people had lived on since time immemorial (I think because this was the tribe's work, and not the state government, or European Americans, it was less whitewashed). And there was a lot on what most people call the Trail of Tears (but they made a point one of the leaders actually called it "The Trail of Tears and Death"). They had winter wind audio playing in that room and that added to the emotion of what you were reading and seeing. (And I didn't know: in the early 1900s there were MORE removals, of people who had stayed back in Alabama, and apparently they were essentially sold into slavery for farming cotton. And the people were stuffed into cattle cars on a train to be taken from Alabama to here, and as someone who learned about the Holocaust in sixth grade and remembers hearing about the boxcars, that sent a shiver down my spine). 

It's not happy to realize my nation did this. But we did.

I had to tap out partway through that - it was 1 pm and I needed to eat, and also, I think  I was having a hard time reading the accounts, because again: seeing a rise in more open cruelty right now makes me feel like we're sliding hard and fast down a slope, and there's not really anything I can do to stop it.

So a break was necessary.

I went to the cafe. They have a number of Choctaw-inspired dishes (as well as more mundane fare, but I figure: if there's something I can eat and think I'll like among the less usual things, get that). I had had their "Chata Plate" (grilled pork, pinto beans, and a cornmeal bread called banaha bread, which is like an unfilled tamale) before, and I liked it, and while I also liked the Indian Taco they have, it's a LOT more food, and I wanted not to be immobilized after the meal

 The first time I had this I wasn't sure I liked the banaha bread (I think I was expecting something different) but it does grow on you. This one is plain but I guess traditionally in families, it's served with drippings or gravy or bacon grease. It's fine plain, too.

The pork is VERY good. I think the guy who worked for the center, who helped us on some of the prairie stuff, mentioned they had farmers who specifically raised pigs for the dishes. (So much grocery store pork is simply not good, so I don't buy it). The beans were very good, too - seasoned just right, and anyway, I like pinto beans. 

The Choctaws of course have the casino with fancy restaurants, so I suppose they have the same commissaries. The food at the cafe is very reasonable - I paid $11 for this plate lunch, and another $3 for a (real) lemonade.

After lunch, I went back and finished the history from about 1830 on. The more "modern" part (early 1900s/mid 1900s) was interesting, too - they reference the residential schools (which seem not to have been quite as bad as what I've read about some of the ones that were in Canada, though kids did get punished for speaking Choctaw - back then I guess people didn't understand that being bilingual is actually good for brain development, and anyway, people should be free to keep their original language as they learn a new one)

There was also mention of faith. Most Choctaw people now are Christian, and several places it's said they "embraced" Christianity when they heard about it (I'm going to accept that at face value; a couple people who spoke said that it didn't seem that different from the beliefs they were following, at least in terms of monotheism, at the time of contact). There's a small replica of a church/chapel that shows a short movie about worship in the modern Choctaw people; it's very much like any Protestant service, except some of the singing is in Choctaw; they had a version of Amazing Grace and another that sounded like it was the same tune as Star in the East , an old shape-note hymn. (It's possible they learned the tune when they lived in Alabama; I think there was that style of singing there). And they showed a potluck at one church and I nodded - there were some different foods, but other than that it was very like the potlucks at my church, and that made me happy.

There was also a set up of a couple rooms of a "modern" house (a living room and a tiny kitchen, and again, I smiled when I saw the "cornflower blue" pattern Corningware in the open cupboard; my mom had some of that. They also showed the little kitchen garden (Maybe the fifth crop I was forgetting before was lamb's quarters? Some people STILL grow that; you can cook it like spinach)

I admit I kind of sped through the last display about the "Labor Day" celebrations because I was getting tired and did want to stop off at the gift shop.

They had a very nice large book on Choctaw foodways by the man there that I know, but it was $80 and that's not quite in my budget right now. But I did buy a little beading kit:

I think it's a similar principle to those "beaded lizards" that were a thing about 20-30 years back, but this has more history. I considered buying a second one to send to my niece, but she's 13 - a tricky age - and I don't know if she'd like it. If I decide she does, I can always mail order one; the gift shop does mail order.

I also asked for several quarters in my change as they had a penny-smasher machine (I knew I had a penny in my purse). I like those things but I wonder if they'll start to be taken out of service as pennies become less and less circulated. (They didn't exist when I was a kid and I wonder if they did if my parents would have indulged me in wanting to use them, or if they'd have felt I was "wasting" my money. But I like them, and they're a cheap fun souvenir that doesn't take up much space).

It didn't photograph well, but it's a tortoise (an animal that features in a lot of the legends). There were four choices and that was my favorite.

 

At any rate - it was a good way to spend the day. But hopefully campus is open tomorrow; I have syllabi to write.

a finished sweater

First up: bloodwork results all came back good, except (as I expected) low on Vitamin D. Oh well. 

We were off campus AGAIN today; they're still working and have informed faculty and nonessential staff not to bother coming in tomorrow, or if you HAVE to come in, not to turn on your campus computer. Apparently this was a BIG incident; they said on the news a third-party group has been brought in to help.

So anyway.

I had THOUGHT of doing something today while I was off but literally every museum within a reasonable drive is closed Mondays, as are most small shops (And I don't want to go to another chain store; no need to). 

So instead, I got out the "compressible bags" (like Space Bags but not that name brand) I had bought (and yeah, later picked up more midday when I went out to get milk) and sorted and moved most of my yarn stash from the plastic tubs it was in to compressible bags.  

You can't overfill them, I learned that. And if the bag itself gets snagged (one of the ones I had sweater-sized portions of yarn in did), they won't stay compressed of course because the vacuum gets broken. But it seems a reasonable solution provided you don't leave the stuff in there for years and years, and because the bags are clear, I can see what I have. 

I sorted into rough categories: sock yarn, sweater yarn, toy yarn (one bag of that), shawl yarn (one bag of that), and "unassigned." I didn't really sort in the sense of "keep or pitch" but as I open a bag to start a new project I might look at the other yarn in it and take some to the local goodwill (or: a friend suggested asking at the Senior Center to see if anyone could use it). But at least the room is neater now, if not magazine-clean. It took me nearly all day and it was tiring.

I found maybe six or eight small projects' worth of yarn (a couple cowls, a hat, some mitts, and some sock yarn) I want to put back into the "start soon" queue so I didn't bag that up but I have it put aside in cloth bags with the patterns it will require. 

Tomorrow, I plan  to go to the Choctaw Cultural Center. I've never been to the museum part of it, just to the cafe (which is very, very good) and the prairie outside it. I've been told there's a lot of things to see so you can be there for several hours - my plan is to go around the time they open up and tour the museum, and then get lunch at the cafe and then go back and look some more at things if I don't feel I've seen everything I wanted to see.

 

On to the sweater. This is "A Cardigan for John," from the Sherlock Knits book (Joanna Johnson) that came out about a decade ago. I knit most of it in 2022 and into 2023, and then tucked it away because I dislike pickup up stitches for button bands just that much. 

But I finally pulled it out and did them, especially after the debacle with that long stalled shawl basically disintegrating as I knit on it. (The sweater was fine)

I finished it tonight

 It's made of 1824 Wool, from Mission Falls. I know it's no longer being produced, I don't know if Mission Falls is gone or not. The color, as I remember, was called Amethyst (though I think it's more of a mauve). I originally got it for a bigger, coat-type sweater that I decided after all I did not want, so I used it for this (I have some left over)

There are garter stitch details on the sleeves

 I special ordered some Celtic-triskelion style horse buttons for it

There's also a garter-stitch pocket that has buttons

 

Surprise day off

 Yesterday, and also today....

I went out bright and early and had my blood draw done. I still wasn't feeling super great (I figured out why this morning) but I did the typical thing for me and went and got a breakfast after (eggs, ham, and cinnamon french toast) at the Jimmy's Egg. 

I think of how some comedian once said they weren't SUPERstitious, just a little stitious, but yeah, I am a little stitious and the past couple years I did that my blood results all came back good (though of course, really, eating healthfully and exercising regularly and hopefully no genetic time-bombs going off will be the real influencer of that)

Then I went in to campus, planning to update the last couple slide decks and write my syllabi. I had had a good conversation with my chair the previous day about "how can I adjust that one class with take home stuff so that I can reduce the risk of people using LLMs to outsource their thinking to" and he agreed that my main idea - making the exams shorter but entirely in class, and just dealing with people who need extra time accommodations - was the best, and to still do homework but be even stricter about the "show all your intermediate steps"

It kind of stinks we have to do this - I hate playing cop - but last year I did get some assignments that seemed to have been fed to the computer (I do post them as Word documents; it seems easier than making copies and NOT having them online and then having people who missed class having to ask me for a copy, but maybe I change that too). And the thing is, as I've said before: yes, they are only cheating themselves BUT if they do manage to get a better job faster than someone who did it the "honest but long" way, that's unfair to the students who did things the right way, and it could reflect badly on the department if someone incompetent (because of not learning the skills) winds up in a job, it might hurt our future students getting hired. 

So anyway, I went in with big plans. Turned on my computer. Could not access campus e-mail (first thing I do in the morning). Checked connectivity

 

There was none. 

Restarted the computer, that did nothing. Then I got a text (this is new, they never did this formerly) alerting me that the internet was down all over campus. And then there was a message from the campus-alert app, with the ominous "employees are encouraged to go home for the day"

I guess that meant they didn't plan on getting it back yesterday. And in fact, late in the day, I got a message on the app again saying campus is closed today and apparently the internet isn't back up. I don't know why. I am HOPING it's something as simple as one of the construction people cut a cable that will have to be replaced, and not that it was some kind of denial of service attack, or maybe new "AI features" getting shoehorned into something (onedrive, all my homies hate onedrive) that broke things. 

I hope it's back for Monday; next week is the last totally open prep week I have. 

 Anyway, my gut troubles: now I'm pretty sure it was cumin (and possibly something else) in the fajitas I ate a the restaurant on Sunday after church (I also ate green pepper which sometimes sets me off). I have a food intolerance (luckily, it seems not to be the kind of allergy that can go anaphylactic) to cumin. I don't ALWAYS react, there seems to be a threshold amount, and also, when there's other allergens around I have problems and I think weed-pollen season just started. Finally today my guts feel better, and I don't have the weird doomy feeling that sometimes comes along with it (I can't tell if it's just the low level cramps and muscle fatigue, or if it also affects things like neurotransmitters)

But even though I wasn't feeling great yesterday, I decided to run errands. There's a lunch at church and I agreed to make a couple meatloaves (we are feeding one of the sports teams, so we need more food than ordinarily) and I wanted to go to Albertson's for supplies.

And I had a $15 voucher for Michael's, and it would have expired in a couple weeks, and I needed to get a skein of floss that coordinated with the "Cardigan for John" so I can sew the buttons on. 

(I finally got the stitches all picked up last night, and knit the first row of the bands)

And I found this:

Another anatomically-incorrect Halloween skeleton figure. I kind of love these because they're so silly; I have a few of them. So I bought it, too. (And I got a sketchbook and some pencils, as I had thought about before). 

And I ran to the yarn shop, because it's close to Albertson's, and it's nice to just stop in to a place like that (and I did get a skein of Texas-dyed sockyarn in a colorway called Thundercloud)

And then finally the shopping, and home. It was VERY hot, and I'm not going out today, because it's going to be even hotter. And I think going out in the heat made me feel *worse* with my cumin reaction. But you can't not run errands in the summer, and it's *always* hot in summer here.
 

Wednesday evening things

 * Still not quite done picking up allllllllll the stitches on the Cardigan for John. I really dislike picking up stitches but it's gotta be done. Then it's a few rows of garter, the button hole row, and a few more rows.

I still haven't contemplated attaching the buttons (the last step). The yarn is too thick to sew them on with and sometimes wool yarn gets cut by button loops over time. 

What I think would be best would be to get a matching skein of floss and use that, but that will require a trip to Michael's; Wal mart seems not to carry floss and that's the closest thing to a craft supply store in town

* That said: I might go tomorrow or Friday. Yes, it's still terribly hot, but I feel less bad than I did earlier in the week. And I might need a distraction for my brain

* Tomorrow is my annual fasting blood draw. Even though I've never turned up anything scarier than "low vitamin D," I still worry given the family history of a couple things (none of which I am showing symptoms of; most likely it will be another set of boring results but boring here is good)

* And I admit, I wasn't feeling great Monday and Tuesday and this morning. I don't know if I got a "no-no" food (sometimes some of the spice mix some of the Mexican restaurants here use on beef does it; I don't know if there's too much cumin, or if there's celery seed, or what) or if I had a little virus (which, actually given the symptoms seems more likely). I felt really bad when I first got up both mornings, improved over the course of the day, but had NO appetite. I chalked that up to the heat but also wondered if something was really wrong with me (not wrong enough to try to move up my appointment). Now I'm glad I waited; things were more normal this morning (still had some abdominal discomfort) and by this evening, food sounded good again (I had cheese ravioli for dinner, and the rest of a can of pears that I had bought on one of the days when I couldn't think of what to eat)

So hopefully I'll still be fine in the morning, and will be able to get a late breakfast after my blood draw. (There are a couple pretty good all-day breakfast places here, and I might just go and see if I can get a waffle, on the grounds that rich sweet food is probably going to have the least affect on things AFTER my blood's been drawn-  I am not supposed to eat after midnight)

* I did talk with my department chair about dealing with the AI cheating I suspected last year in one of my classes, and we came up with a way (well, it was what I was expecting I'd need to do) to cut into it (changing how I have them work on some of the assignments. I mean, on the one hand - if someone wants to cheat through and not learn the skills, that's on them, but on the other hand, if people go out to try for jobs and a lot of them seem incompetent, it reflects badly on the department. And a lot of the stuff that people are using LLMs to cheat with are the basics that people will need to know on their jobs, and also things like how to write a coherent paragraph. 

I don't know. Another part of me wants to throw up my hands and say "the cheater people have won, there are no jobs left for these kids, what's the point, might as well let them cheat" but then again that also rankles.

I don't like these times. And I don't like that the honest kids may get run over by the cheaters (because the cheaters seem slicker and also get the work done faster)

* Summer is almost over. I didn't have much fun but I did get a lot of fieldwork in, and I did give a presentation somewhere, and I updated nearly all my lecture materials. I could still take some time early next week; it's supposed to be a few degrees cooler than it was THIS week.  

Three (somewhat) related thoughts

 Yesterday someone I follow on Bluesky commented that this is the 25th anniversary of September 11 coming up, and "it's gonna be kind of unhinged what we see from Official Channels" and first of all, I had forgot it was, and second, they are right, it's gonna be.....well, they used a harsher word than my unhinged but. 

It's kind of amazing to me how long ago because I do have some vivid memories of it (I guess sudden trauma will do that). 

But the biggest thing I thought of later yesterday, driving home - Barber's "Adagio" came across Sirius XM and I remembered the Friday after it happened. The suggestion had been made that we stop and light a candle, and just pause. I decided fitting music might help and Barber's Adagio was what I chose to put on my CD player. That was in the crummy sad little apartment I lived in when I first moved here (and they still seem crummy; there have been news stories lately about drainage/sewer problems where some people's tubs back up and I'm glad that wasn't a thing when I lived there nearly 30 years ago now, it would have undone me). 

But anyway. We weren't supposed to have candles (fire risk) but I had a couple so I put one - a little votive type candle - in a tumbler and lit it, and set the tumbler on my coffee table and just....I guess I cried. I didn't at that time know of anyone who had died (I later learned someone a year behind me in prep school, who had worked at one of the financial firms, died when the towers collapsed, but I had barely known him). A cousin witnessed it firsthand and I think it changed him in a number of ways.  

And I also if that's when the country kind of went off the rails, and got to the state it's in now. I mean, looking back. I still remember seeing pickups with bumper stickers saying things like "Arab Hunting License" on them which was pretty racist and horrible to me (My father, being a geologist, sometimes had students going into oil and gas who had grown up in various Middle Eastern nations, and were of various ethnicities that would fall under the umbrella "Arab," and also having known some immigrants from that part of the world - Jordan, and Iran - and just....the "these are not bad people, ,it is only a few people who fell under the sway of evil beliefs..."). And also frankly some of the what is called "glurge" that came out - oversentimentalized stuff about first responders and the people in the towers and all of that. 

And I also think back with horror on what was called The Falling Man. I guess the least graphic way I can say it is there were people who realized their choice was to jump, or to burn, and they chose jumping. There was a whole article and later a whole documentary, and that's not something anyone needs in their head, I think.

But we're probably gonna get it.

I mean, I would be okay with a moment of silence for those who perished (or, heck a moment of silence for EACH person, which would make for a very quiet day), but I can imagine this is gonna be used for propaganda and i don't like it, I don't like how a lot of serious and solemn things (like some of the current boatstrike deaths) have been memeified. When a person dies, it's solemn. I don't care if they were a bad person. I don't care if it's a horrible criminal sentenced to the electric chair. Taking a human life is horrible  and solemn and when we forget that we lose some of our humanity, and travel further down the path of dehumanizing people SO we can kill them without feeling guilt. 

The second thing is the Graham funeral. I watched a few minutes on CSPAN at lunch, mainly because I wanted to hear the sacred music. I like sacred choral music and it's less common now than it once was. I could do without some of the encomiums, which seemed laid on pretty thick and also.....given what some folks said about him in life, they seemed a bit insincere. 

But whatever. 

It occurred to me that all (Protestant, at least: I have never as I can remember seen a Catholic or Orthodox funeral) Christian funerals are similar in their general shape. Perhaps moreso if the person's remains are there rather than if it's a memorial service taking place months later. (But even then - my dad's memorial service, some 4  months after his death, and Del's service here, which was, IIRC, about half a year later, had some of the same elements). There are Bible readings, and people give their remembrances, and in my dad's case, that letter he wrote was read...and we sing (Well, at Del's we didn't,, because it was still kind of late-Pandemic, and the campus choir sang)

I think of the two I remember best: my maternal grandmother's (the first funeral of someone I really knew that I went to) and my dad's memorial service. 

At grandma's, we had the "family time" or "visitation" the night before; that was kind of rough on me (And I think on my mother, because no one told us....) because it was open casket and that was my first ever experience with that, and there were Other Things that happened. And I remember just sitting as far back as I could, by myself as much as possible, and trying not to cry too much (this was literally days after she had died so the shock and grief were still new). The funeral itself was.....oddly happier? There were lots of remembrances of her, some of which I didn't know (like: she had apparently had three miscarriages before the six children she did have, and of those six, only four made it to adulthood). But we also shared funny memories, and we sang hymns, some of which I remember her singing at her house when we visited. 

And with my dad's - well, his loss was the hardest for me; I think losing a parent, all else being equal, is harder than losing a grandparent - but more time had elapsed, I'd had time to sort of adapt my mind to the fact of his being gone. And again, there were happy remembrances, both in the memorial service itself and at the lunch after. And I think the hymns we sang were ones he had chosen? He had done a lot of pre planning.

I suspect it's very difficult to do a funeral - even with the person's preplanning - if you don't know them WELL. That's why in 2021 I wound up presiding over an interment of ashes of a woman I had known from church and AAUW - she had died (car wreck) in late 2019 and her daughter - with whom she had been living at the time - had hung on to the ashes, but later on the daughter decided maybe she'd be better with her parents here, and she got permission to inter the ashes here. And at that point, the man who had been our minister had left, and Del - who had been interim after him - had died, and we had a new minister who had never met Liz. So it fell to me, as head elder. (I think I wrote about it on here). 

It was scary, but I did it. And apparently her daughter thought i did a good job. (I admit I mostly used the sort of boilerplate Scripture one would use at a funeral, and there were no hymns as we had no accompaniment  and I do not sing a capella, not to lead music. And I opened it up at the end for folks to share memories, and that may be why they thought it was good, people like being able to do that sort of thing and I think it does help in grieving). 

And anyway: yesterday was the seventh anniversary of my dad's passing. So I was thinking about that a bit again yesterday. Oh, on some level I do still miss him; I don't think you ever "get over" it, but I have reconfigured my life around it, and I think that's the best you can do about loss. 

different from expected?

 Back in January, at the first church service of the New Year (I was still at my mom's, it was the fairly-new minister there doing it), he had a basket of little stars with things written on them. The idea was, if you wanted to, you randomly chose one, and that was a word to "meditate" on for the year (They were all, I am sure, positive words).

I got Art

 And I felt a little excited about that - the previous year I had painted that bluebonnet and liked it enough to get it framed (and it's still up on my wall) and I thought about how as a kid I had kind of thought about art as a career (before maturity smacked me in the face and made me realize it would be unlikely I could support myself that way, and then later, realizing I wasn't very *good*, at least not in terms of innate talent)

And I thought, well, you're getting close to retirement, maybe you consider that in retirement you could take up painting or drawing or something and maybe actually pursue that old childhood thought, though this time, you'll have a pension, so you won't have to worry about making a salary. I even considered buying a copy of "Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain" or similar.

But like a lot of things, life got in the way and I never did anything this year about it. Oh, I still knit, but I don't think of that as "art," per se, because I don't *design* and the things I make are (mostly) useful items. And I still play the piano, but not that well, and that's different (music) to what I think of as art.

But in the past few weeks, I did do some sort-of-art-related things: I'm considering becoming a "supporter" of the local Native American Art museum (I really SHOULD do that, I have the money, it's something whose presence I value, and I tend to be of the opinion that one should financially support the things you want to see in the world)

And I found a couple more people to follow on Patreon. There are a few folks I've followed for years - the South Korean artist Pikaole, who I originally followed on Twitter and now follow on Bluesky, and a couple times a year (well, not for the short time when "getting mail into the US" had been so monkeyed with by the primates-in-charge that she couldn't sent them to us) I get stickers from her as a thank you (and they're NICE stickers, too). And I support the person who draws Little Nuns, mainly to be able to access content online. 

But recently, I picked up two more: Sam Owen and Fossil Forager (Nicole). Owen draws funny comics; he's done parody-tributes to Heathcliff and Garfield and his current project (of several, he's also doing one on Weird Medieval Guys with Blemmies and cat-faced snails) is called Garffeld.

I love Garffeld. I hope he wants to continue it enough to put together a short book or zine so I can get a printed copy. He is working from the early strips (well, the ones that lend themselves to the reset) and setting them in a Middle-English era monastery. 

Jon Arbuckle is a monk; Lyman is a brother monk (maybe a biological brother too, like in the original strip?) and of course there is Garffeld and "Odin"

And Owen tries to "Middle English-ize" the dialog, and uses thorns and that conjoined a and e and it's very funny to me, the kind of thing that just tickles me in a particular way.

And at a certain (not very high!) level of support, he will occasionally send stickers, and the first one came today

Based on the first ever Garfield, but of course, reset:

 "Our only thought is to glorify God"

"Feed me"

The other person is Fossil Forager. She is a nature artist (I think she's based in the Pacific Northwest, or maybe northern California) but she does lots of things. I have a couple of her art prints (Native Bees, and Moths of North America) and I just kept them in their wrappers and then could hang them on my office door with blue-tac:

 This is from last week, I recently also added one of her "Support Invertebrate Biodiversity" stickers that I had. (I have obscured my name on the door; I shared this on Bluesky and that's VERY open and sometimes you don't want to make it too easy for people to know your name). 

Anyway, I found out she has a monthly support tier where you can get a sticker and a postcard. I signed up for a year (more expensive as a chunk but a little discount over month by month, and I have the money now - I took the RMD from the inherited IRA from my dad*) and it will be a nice small surprise in the mail every month.

I think of how I mourned the end of the Doki Doki crates I used to get, and how I cast about a bit for a replacement. Yarn boxes are pricey and I have so much more now than I'll ever use, and you often get colors you might not want, and a lot of the other "grab bag" things will have duds (food is out given my allergies, books are out because I might get duplicates of ones I have). But this might work as a replacement. And who knows? maybe I'll find one or two more artists who occasionally send out small things, especially maybe "nature" artists. Because with a postcard and a sticker - those are small, they won't take up a lot of space, in some cases I might choose to send them to other people, but it's still the "small nice surprise and mail that's not a bill or an ad or a charity beg" that I feel like I need. 

And who knows? I have a $15 voucher for Michael's, maybe next time I get down there I buy a small sketchbook and some good drawing pencils and try drawing again - either botanical specimens (which is kinda sorta work related) or just some of the little tchotckes I have around here to have something to  draw (lots of real artists remind people online: there's no shame in using a reference, and I know I'm not good enough to work without one, and of course biological art from a specimen has a long history of being done) 

another restarted project

 I got to thinking - that I had a nearly finished (except the button bands, which ARE tedious) cardigan hanging around, and maybe I should pull it out and try to finish it.

Remembering the shawl debacle of last week, I was apprehensive, but I figured as this was (a) worsted weight (less to get cut through), (b) not merino wool (for some reason carpet beetles seem to like that best), and (c) was better-stored, I had a decent shot of it being okay.

It was.

All it lacks is the pocket (which is to be attached where the little plastic markers are, on the lower left) and the button bands. 

And I found the buttons I specially ordered for it:

 

Celtic-style horses. This is sort of a man-styled (but "Victorian," and men were more okay being a bit of a dandy back then), so I think they fit. I special-ordered them; they were a little expensive but I feel like if you are spending all those hours on a sweater, why default to plain buttons (And any more, I don't have a JoAnn's to buy buttons from, so I am REALLY limited for in-store purchases - Michael's has only a few, and while I think Wal-Mart has them, they only have the very basic ones)

This is the "A Cardigan for John [Watson]" from Joanna Johnson's "Sherlock Knits" book. I started it a long time ago - like maybe 2021 - and finished it to this point in late 2022 or early 2023, and then stuck it away and kind of forgot about it, but it will be nice to have it finished. I am trying to work through getting some of the really massive projects (this, the blanket, the British school slipover, maybe eventually the Moon Moth sweater) finished up so I have the small "win" of a finished thing. And if I get it done now, if it ever does cool down (it's supposed to be like 107 F next week), I'll have it to wear; it should work with a couple dresses and skirts I have.

The color is "Amethyst" - really more of a mauve than what I think of as true amethyst. It's 1824 wool, a long-defunct brand (and more's the pity, it had some interesting colors and was a fairly well-made yarn) that I had originally gotten for a coat-type sweater (so this won't use it all, but I might make myself some mittens with some of the leftovers and maybe see if someone would like a donation of a few remaining balls) 

fieldwork is done

 well, this part of it.

We went out today and did the most distant site. It was about a mile out and back (it was not a direct path; we walked on the mowed paths that are made for lake access/to allow the vehicles that plant the food plots because it would be even harder to crawl through the brush. (As it was, it's been a while since they mowed, and wading through the tall grass - there's a lot of last year's standing dead - is like walking on a dry sand dune). I'm pretty tired and I'm really sore tonight; I think three days in the heat gave me some muscle cramps and walking that far carrying equipment and using a hiking staff (so I didn't fall) stressed muscles the regular exercise doesn't. 

But it is done.

I can't do anything "fun" (well, out of town) this weekend; on my way home from campus yesterday I put the back-seat windows down to exhaust the hot air before driving. But when I went to raise the windows, the driver's side one wouldn't, and it made a grinding noise. I drove home with it partly down and just kind of groaned, "I don't need this right now"

A quick check online typing in the "symptoms" suggested it was the regulator (which apparently controls the motor that raises and lowers them). So, I sighed and made plans to check who could fix it, and then did the suggested kludge - use my hands to pull the window up as high as I could (as close to closed). I couldn't close it completely (they suggested having a second person to help but of course I didn't). And then I thought "The wind noise tomorrow morning out and back from the field will drive me nuts, and while we're in the field my car will fill up with bugs" and I thought about how to block the window. I got my big roll of clear packing tape and with a couple strips I was able to both hold the window in its raised position, and block the remaining gap. It's not pretty and definitely is a kludge but it allowed me to get out and back to the field, and to the Aldi this afternoon.

After lunch today I called my dealership and asked if their service department needed to handle it, or if the "quick simple repairs and oil change place" they have affiliated with them could do it; they said to come to the service department. I described the symptoms to the guy and he nodded, "Sounds like the regulator" and I said "yeah, that's what it looked like when I looked it up" and he said he'd go get a tech to be sure.

About ten minutes later, the tech came back - yeah, it's the regulator. It's not CHEAP (with labor, which I suspect is the larger part of it) but it's fixable, and the tech said they should have the part tomorrow afternoon and I can bring it in early Monday morning and they'll do it. 

 I'll ask then how long they think it will take; I may prime asking my secretary or someone from church if they could be on hand to drive me to my office if it's going to be a multi-hour thing, or get one of the guys to drive me back (they usually are willing to). If it's a fix that takes less than an hour and a half, I'll just bring a book and wait. 

I hope I'm less sore tomorrow though; I do need to go in and get back to that soil. This has been a long week. 

Reminded of something

 It's five days now to the seventh anniversary of my dad's death. The acute pain that came in those first days and months is over, but I do still miss him, and sometimes things catch me funny.

This summer I've been updating my Environmental Policy and Law notes for teaching. Partly because I'm making the slide decks fit the new low-vision accessibility guidelines, but also, admittedly - stuff has changed (there have been some regulations loosened, some funds diverted from some programs to other things). 

And it reminds me of him from time to time. In one of the early lectures where I talk about (basically) the changes in Americans' attitudes towards nature and mention that National Parks became a vacation destination for many families in the mid-20th century, I had popped in this photo:

 I know I've shared that a couple times before, but yeah, it's kind of a core memory of mine, going to National Parks for family vacations as a kid. And I admit I had forgotten it was in there in 2019 when I taught the content - literally a month after his death - and stopped dead and said "guys, I'm going to need a moment" to my students (I had told them, they knew, and they understood)

And I have an old newsprint copy of some of the Clean Air Act standards that one of the state representatives (Charles Mosher, I went and looked it up on the document) sent to him, in those days he was Coordinator of Research at Akron. We found it cleaning out his files in 2019 and I decided to keep it. I show it to my class but tell them to handle it CAREFULLY, it is that old high acid newsprint (I should get one of those Mylar comic sleeves to store it; it's about the same size). 

And I also have "This is why I teach" that hung up in his office for years hanging on my file cabinet next to the desk where I work

 I try to hang on to stuff like that when I get discouraged at the current state of higher ed - that it can be a better and higher thing than what the critics or the grifters would make it out to be, and hopefully a person does inspire at least a few students in their career.

What made me think of all this was this Bluesky post, from the best public utility on social media, the Northeast Ohio Regional Sewer District (AFAICR, they were not "our" sewer district when my family lived in NE Ohio, but they do a lot of conservation things and their social media posts are SO GOOD and they are a little link to a part of my life I've kind of left behind but would like to remember)

But here it is:

 And yeah, that struck a nerve, too. 

One of the things I remember at my dad's memorial service - it took place over Thanksgiving, a time when a lot of people who would want to be there could be there - was that he had written a letter some months before he passed, with the intent of it being read at the service. 

One of the things in the letter was he said - and gave specific examples - of how he was proud of both my brother and me.

And I thought I was all cried out at that point; I'd been mourning all fall and had cried off and on (like: I teared up a little when that photo came up in my lecture that day). But I cried at that. 

Part of it is, I know, I am too invested in wanting to feel like other people are proud of me, that I'm doing well and doing what's right. But also, specifically, given that in some ways I'm following in his footsteps, I wanted proof that he was proud of me. My family was never *extremely* demonstrative in that way so I had to ASSUME, and I am literal minded and one of those people who, as a tumblr post I remember reading a few years back, "needs to be loved a little louder, or else they forget"

(And yes, some days now,  I feel like I don't really have anyone who is proud of me. I mean, my colleagues, we all do our jobs, we are all good at them, and I admit some days I feel like the weak link in things). 

But yeah, I'm working on the last few lectures (updating and reposting) today and kind of having a lot of feelings. (Also could be being tired and borderline dehydrated from the fieldwork - we have one more day) 

First field day

 It was really hot. We quit a little before 11 (started at 7). It was to the point where a couple of the students said they couldn't do any more, and at the very end I was starting to get shaky and tired and like I would need to sit down very soon.

We go back tomorrow. It's supposed to be a degree or two cooler? Maybe? I did wind up losing most of the afternoon because I was tired and had a bad headache and was worrying I might not be able to safely go out tomorrow, but after eating some dinner I feel better. I do need to get to bed early though, I think more sleep will help. 

I did get one really nice photo in the field. Not of a plant, though - one of the areas where we were sampling was FULL of Gulf fritillary butterflies (I checked; the larval food plant is passionvine and there were lots of those out there, so that's why). They may all have been a newly emerged crop, like this one I saw:

 It's clinging on to the remnants of its chrysalis; I presume it emerged this morning and was drying its wings. It was pretty spectacular to see so many, and these are one of my favorite butterflies (I had never seen them before moving here; they are, as far as I know, a southern-only species)

The insides of the wings, which you can't see here, are a warm orange with some dark brown speckles. They are a very pretty butterfly and while not as large as most swallowtails or the monarchs, they are good sized.

I've been picking away a bit at the giant corner-to-corner blanket; it just shifted from the medium teal color to a paler one. I don't know if I'll get another color change before it finishes up; I think there's more left to do than I imagine because the rest of the blanket is so big. (You only decrease one stitch per row so it finishes up very slowly, and I have at least fifty rows left) 

to begin again

 *I bagged up Friday's offending yarn; might stick it in the -80 freezer if there is indeed space and maybe use what's left for mitts. I'm not 100% convinced the damage is all insect; it's possible some yarn bases just degrade with certain hand dyes, I suppose. Also I think it did get caught in the zipper once or twice.

Anyway. I found a nice ball of a wintry looking Opal (the pattern is called "Storm" so I think a grey/blue mix will do well). It's newer, and it's a commercial yarn and I bet Opal is more careful about not mismatching dye chemistry with their wool (I don't KNOW that that's what happened to the other yarn, but I found no frass or insect casings). Also the opal has one of those metallic strands which could be pretty in a shawl.

* But first, I want to finish the corner to corner blanket so I can use ITS needle, I wonder if the needle I had used for Storm had a rough spot on the metal ferrule and the blanket's needle is a Clover bamboo and Clover has never done me dirty as far as needles are concerned. 

* Tomorrow is the first hot fieldwork day. I'm telling myself it will be okay since (a) we are only working from 7 am to 10 am, and at 10 am today it was still manageable  in terms of heat and (b) there's less walking than there was at the other site and I managed that OK (although it was cooler)

Still I will be DARN glad when this is done, and if I can somehow get the rest of the soil sorted (I have 12 samples left; I had some time this afternoon but was so burned out on it I fixed up a couple more slide decks instead), I'd be tempted to book a night at a nice-ish hotel somewhere easy to drive to with intersting stuff and just....drive up one afternoon, do a few things, stay overnight, and then do more stuff the next day, then back home. Maybe go up to Sulphur? There is a fancy (Casino-affiliated) hotel there, I have no idea how expensive or if they'd even have a room. Or maybe I consider Farmersville and swing over to McKinney (which should be doable and I could avoid 75 traffic)

I probably won't, though. Time will probably get away from me. 

* Something I splurged on a (comparatively) long time ago came (it had to be shipped from the UK, and that takes a while. It is a dinosaur print wrap dress from Snag! Yes, it's maybe a little silly but it's very comfortable and I think it's fine to wear for teaching (I am telling myself that within spitting distance of 60 is not too old for a dress like this). 

 I think it's subtle enough you don't notice the dinosaurs unless you really look; it's not like they're printed on there in primary colors.

Snag's clothing is (comparatively, to the places I have shopped) expensive (I suppose PART of it could still be tariffs) but it's extremely high quality and comfortable and is designed with a diversity of bodies in mind (too often dresses are imperfectly scaled up from a six, and if you're a bigger woman you're tugging at it, or it's too loose in spots...)

 It's a heavy-ish knit and will be good for fall, and it has pockets (Almost all of Snag's clothing does.)

Bad Friday evening

Maybe the Universe is telling me to give up knitting, that it will just ruin everything I try

 

First, that shawl that I found that had many holes in it after I rewashed it (I still have not thrown it away but DO NOT HAVE THE PATIENCE to try to fix in any way, I should just pitch it)

 

Now, tonight - turns out the Leading Men Fiber Arts yarn I had for Storm either dry-rotted (it's fracturing into bits) or something somehow got to it and damaged it a lot while it was stored IN A CLOSED CANVAS BAG WITH A ZIPPER

Here is the shawl before I killed it

 Here's the hole I found which expanded as I tried to fix it

 I tried to unravel the shawl in the thought of restarting. But that's a BAD idea because with how my luck goes? I'd hit an end during one of the dropped-stitch sections and there's NO WAY to secure that. If I DO restart the shawl - and I might not, maybe I'm done with shawls forever because it seems they don't last, maybe I'm done with KNITTING forever and I just landfill all the yarn I have on the grounds that giving it away would be a bad idea because I'd be giving people bad yarn - but if I do it will be from a new yarn that I wind off RIGHT BEFORE I START and try not to let it sit forever in a bag in case it was critters that ate it. 

 

But I'm upset and angry and sad and feeling very much a failure at everything right now.

 

MAYBE I have enough remnants of that yarn for mitts, I don't know. I don't have enough to redo a shawlette and I"m angry enough I might just throw it out

 I desperately need to feel good and competent at something

 

maybe I have to only ever use acrylic yarn forever because of this idiotic climate that kills natural fibers. I don't know if carpet beetles got it or if it just dry rotted; now I'm scared that the other shawls I have stored away in bug proof bags will have rotted to nothing. 

Vanity, vanity, all is vanity. You spend your life doing stuff but wind up with NOTHING to show.

 

I hate everything, I'm going to bed. 

THAT fieldwork's done...

 Finished up the summer sampling on a project that, I guess, my colleague is taking the lead on (I can't tell if it's mainly her project, or the one of an incoming grad student. Either way is fine as long as I at least get thanked in the acknowledgements). It was another tough day (there's a sort of steep downslope walking back out, and while I can go UP slopes fine, going down slopes hurts and also makes me worry I'm going to lose my balance if my knee glitches on me). Also, I don't love wading through tall grass where there are large fire ant mounds, or hummocks of dead grass, that you can't see. 

Next week is my site, I'm not looking forward to it because these two days were unusually cool days for July; next week is going to be unusually hot. We are starting at 7 am, but STILL it's gonna be tough.

I came in this afternoon and got three more of my soils samples done. I think I'm up to 15 out of 36. 

I'm working harder this year than I do most summers, and in a way, harder than I do in the regular semester.

* I knit a bit more on the plain ("Alive" colorway) socks last night but didn't have a LOT of energy to work on things. I want to get back to that shawl I re-started this week. Maybe tonight; I plan to watch Midsomer Murders given it's the summer rerun session and there's also a rumor there's going to be a presidential speech on most channels (I hope PBS goes a different way with that)

*Also speaking of M-titles mysteries - were you the one who had a boxset of the Murdoch Mysteries sent to me? I only know of a couple people where I referenced that I liked them (And I don't think it was on my wishlist). I admit I didn't open the package right after it came; I thought it was supplies for a fall lab I had ordered and I hadn't had time to open it.

So I was surprised when I did. (One of my fall-lab-things still has not come...)

If you sent it, thank you.

*I'm still enjoying reading "Far from the Madding Crowd." There are a few references I don't get (not being as familiar with the Early Victorian era in rural England) and a few unfamiliar words (which I should make a note of and look up. But I do like that it moves slowly (right now I am where "Shepherd Oak" is meeting with the men at the maltster's place, which I guess is almost like a rural pub, or is treated as such). I'm bracing for something sad or even tragic to happen but right now it's kind of calming to read. Maybe I need to shift back to Trollope later; as I remember most of his novels were largely comedies-of-manners and nothing very bad happened in them - and in this world, the way it is now? you need that. Or at least, I do. 

*I need to go in tomorrow and do a bunch more samples, but also feel like I would really love to go do something "fun." I'm telling myself to hold off, maybe next weekend, after (hopefully) successfully completing the other fieldwork. 

But I don't know now why it feels harder to put that kind of thing off, or why I sort of itch for some kind of a "treat" at the end of some days. I don't know if this is one of those "the world feels dangerous and unpredictable now, so I better grab happiness when I can" or if it's that I need to bribe myself to keep on going, or if it is because I really am kind of alone a lot (not when doing fieldwork, thankfully, but when I'm working in my lab or on slide decks it gets a little quiet and lonely). Or maybe this is one of the things the pandemic broke in me; I think a lot of us, six years on, are now considering just what has changed in the world and in us. 

*  I was also thinking about a thing today, about how people react to other people. One of the students yesterday commented that driving to the site, someone cut her off in a dangerous way, and yeah, I've seen that. And I've heard of people who describe other people dismissively (whether ironically or not) as "NPCs" (non-playing characters, like in video games) and don't really think of them as fellow humans. And I don't know. Maybe. Maybe the person who cuts you off is just inattentive and in a hurry or worrying about stuff. But if people genuinely do dismiss the humanity of others - or try to ignore it - that's a bad thing. And very different from how I was raised. 

I mean, I think of the old Parable of the Good Samaritan, where Jesus is talking to an expert in the law,  and Jesus advises him to love his neighbor, and his question right back* to Jesus is "And who is my neighbor?"

(*people really haven't changed, have they? Always looking for an out of doing the hard things that are the right things)

And Jesus launches into the parable, and I sometimes wonder if early hearers of the passage felt like "what is He on about now?" but of course as the parable unwinds, you understand, it makes sense. Or at least it should: everyone is my neighbor, and on some level I am responsible for them.

And that's how I was raised.

And you know? It's exhausting some times. It does cause me a certain amount of anxiety wondering about people's well-being and trying to do what I can to help it along. I don't think I'd rather be the other way (oblivious to the feelings of others) but it is exhausting. 

*And maybe that - that there's a lot of looking out these days, and a lot of concern, why I sometimes feel like I do need some kind of small treat. That I need to do something for myself that tells me "You matter." (Some days I don't feel it; some days it feels like most of the rest of society is telling me I DON'T matter).