A life's scraps...

 I hope non-members will be able to read the linked story (on Medium), it gets at something that's occupied my mind of late as I battle mice (GOT to find how they're getting in and block it off; the peppermint repellant seems to be helping) and look in dismay at my too-many-books (will take more to the library tomorrow to donate) and the too-much yarn (not sure what to do with that, the places I've looked toward donating it aren't taking yarn)

But yes: "Stop erasing yourself before you're gone" 

 

A couple of pull quotes: 

 "...some homes now look less like places where human beings lived and more like emotionally unavailable Airbnbs.

Gray walls. One beige throw blanket. Three identical candles that smell vaguely like eucalyptus and tax fraud. No photographs. No collections. No weird ceramic rooster from 1987.

No evidence of joy."

And while I admit, yes, I have too much stuff, and it's suboptimally stored, and yes, I really SHOULD donate all those books I've weeded - the author is right. If you try to live like you will leave no traces, you're not really living. 

And yes, I've heard the "no one wants your junk" argument, and yes, that's probably true - too many people today can't settle down because they can't AFFORD to settle down, and so having a weird ceramic rooster from 1987, or a lot of books, or craft supplies, becomes a burden if you have to move frequently, or if you share an apartment made for two people with four roommates,, and that's probably why antique shops are dying (And yet, where I live, thrift stores boom,because everyone's broke, and the way to get new-to-you clothing, or to get kitchenwares if, for example, you had to up and leave a bad partner situation and you couldn't take anything. But that's different, that's necessity shopping, not fun shopping)

But things do matter. The author writes about losing her stepdaughter and how the young woman's hoodie and hairbrush became precious to her and her husband (I presume, the stepdaughter's biodad) because "And those things became sacred to my then husband and me. Not because they were valuable. Because they were proof. Proof that she had been here. That she laughed. Planned things. Got distracted. Loved certain colors. Wrote down grocery lists and dreams and frustrations like the rest of us do."

 

And what made me think of that was something I did today. I started the Clean Air Act in my course on environmental policy, and I brought in something I retrieved when my mom and I went through all the boxes of stuff my dad had taken from his office when he retired, and refused to sort. It was this:

 It's the Federal Register publication of some of the standards of the Clean Air Act. It was sent to him when he was at University of Akron by the Representative from the district we were in (Charles A. Mosher). I don't remember if he was Coordinator of Research at that point (I would have still been a toddler) or if he was a professor then. But it reminds me of that era, and the environmental contacts he had, and I remember a lot of other things - the going out to metroparks, and hearing about Seiberling Nature Center (I was remembering him as another governmental official, but at least that Seiberling was a rubber baron. I guess his son John was the Congressman). And so it brings back early memories of being in Ohio, a place I weirdly miss more and more now. 

Anyway. I bring it to class. I explain its provenance and hand it around with the warning that it's more than 50 years old, it's on that high-acid newsprint paper that crumbles easily, be careful with it. And they always are. I saw several of the students very carefully and almost-reverently looking over it, and that made me happy. It's a weird, probably-worthless piece of ephemera, but it means a lot to me. (I keep saying I need to get one of those Mylar sleeves like they use to protect comic books - it's the standard 8 1/2 x 11 paper size - but I've never seen just single sleeves for sale anywhere and I don't want to buy 100)

I wonder what my dad would think if he knew I was handing that odd old document around while I talk about the Clean Air Act.

 

I have another thing of his, this was something that was up in his office, and now it's up in mine:

 I've titled its file "Manifesto" on my computer because it is the thing closest to a manifesto I have - the importance of teaching and learning, and that "What value will it be to make a prosperous living, unless you know how to live?"

It's on my little "Keep on keepin on" wall on my file cabinet, along with a few postcards folks have sent me, and a poem my paternal grandfather wrote, and some little trinkets like the reproduction Kilauea Crater benchmark and the LOTR quotation magnet ("There is some good in this world, and it's worth fighting for") and while I admit some days it's hard to FEEL some of those things (especially about the good in the world), I keep those things up. To remind myself. Just like I keep that bit of the Clean Air Act to remind myself of how my father went before me and how there were other people from my past who, if it's not too pretentious to say it, whose banner I am trying to carry forward into the future. 

I admit I don't feel the hope and the idealism as much as I did when I was younger (it started to fade about 10 years ago, at the time of the budget failure here, and also when a former student of ours was arrested, tried, and imprisoned for committing fraud on the job, and it's continued to wane through the pandemic and now with the rise of AI ("you can tell your students they can't use it but that won't necessarily stop them, and other faculty will encourage them to"). 

I try to grab on to and recapture what I can - a good discussion in class, a fun lab. The other day a colleague told me one of her students said that I was her favorite professor and she particularly noted how much she enjoyed Ecology. (I didn't ask for a name, felt I didn't need to know it, but my colleague did say this was a medical-sciences major, not a fish-and-wildlife major). 

 And yes, some of those reminders of the past DO help. Help me remember  a more idealistic time, and a time when the world seemed more new and things seemed more possible. 

And yes, I still miss my father for many reasons, even if the acute grief is long gone.  

 

Finished the hat

 I did the last few rounds this evening It's done now, and that's good, it will be my AAUW gift-exchange gift. (I also got the "yearbook" that lists everyone's address and when and where the meetings are done yesterday. I had to put a "RIP" for one of our long term members; she passed away on Saturday after a short medical decline - she was 94)

It does make me a little sad. (Also a former member of church died this weekend; his wife got angry about some thing some years back and they went back to the Methodists). 

Mary Ann's funeral is Friday; I can't make it because of classes (I reserve "funeral going requiring cancelling class" only for VERY close people. I think I did it for Dorothy when she died, but she had almost been a substitute grandmother for as long as I knew her). There is the "Family Time"/"Visitation" Thursday night, and I probably should go. 

But it does just make me sad. I know, I know, it's the lot in life once you're over 50 to have more goodbyes than hellos but every one stings now; these past six or eight years I feel like I have lost A LOT of people and places I cared about, and there's not much to replace them! And that's upsetting in itself. 

***

A happier thing. Someone I follow on Bluesky linked this and it brought back happy memories. I think I saw this particular movie only once or twice (when it was originally shown, and maybe in a rerun at some point) so the magic's not dimmed like some of the Disney movies I've seen a couple dozen times - it did bring up memories of how I felt then and such.

 

I think the Rankin-Bass version of the Hobbit was seriously underrated when it first came out, and even more recently. But I do think some people are realizing how well done it was now, and how much vocal talent is in it (Orson Bean as Bilbo!)

The song is by Glenn Yarborough, sort of a folkie singer, and that sort of high, wavery male voice doing a story-song is so 1970s to me. The whole song reminds me of being a kid, and sitting on the dark brown shag carpeting in our family room in front of the big old console TV we had, and watching the whole movie through (We had only one tv in those days, I think, and I begged HARD to be able to pick that night, and The Hobbit was what I wanted. I think I was about 8). 

I would like to watch the whole thing again some time (I guess HBO+ it, but I don't subscribe to any streaming services). It would be interesting to see how it holds up to my memories.  

Monday night reading

I did go through the bookcases more this weekend, found a few more books to donate. But also found a few I definitely want to keep - my big book of Sherlock Holmes short stories and the Folio Society edition of Father Brown stories.

 It's funny, I'm generally not a big re-reader, but some of the mystery stories - especially the short stories - I like to keep on hand. They're a form of comfort reading I guess. I enjoy the atmosphere of Holmes' London, and the puzzle-nature of those stories in particular.

Honestly, I think I'd find a real-world Holmes annoying; I'd probably like Dr Watson better. 

 But Fr Brown - I admit I now conflate the Chesterton character with the BBC-mysteries version played by Mark Williams. And yes, the BBC Fr Brown is much less - dare I say orthodox? - than the Chesterton version, and is forgiving of some things I'm not sure a 1950s era British priest would so lightly forgive.

I admit it had been some years since I read the *stories* about Fr Brown, and I was reminded (happily) of how good they are, and how much I enjoy Chesterton's writing. And his Fr. Brown is more tolerant than I remembered him as, and better-humored.

 

Yes, I put "Far from the Madding Crowd" aside for a bit, I need something a bit simpler (some of the more complex sentences, for a tired 21st century reader, take a little more parsing than I might want) and I KNOW sad things are going to happen in that novel, and.....well, it's been a sad couple of weeks (most recently: one of the long-term, beloved AAUW members passed away this weekend) and I need stories that end happily, where the good people are forgiven and made whole and the only people who suffer are the wicked. (It pains me that in real life, more often it's the people who are basically decent that suffer, and seemingly the wicked prosper). And there is a humor in the Fr Brown stories, as he quietly, bemusedly, observes human nature.  

***

My mom did get her landline back. She had been concerned something might be wrong with the wiring *in her house* (none of the neighbors she asked had a landline, so they didn't know) but apparently it was "upstream" in the Frontier wiring because midday today she noticed the screen on her phone was operating again, and then she tried calling out, and found she could.

I'm glad; I spent a while Sunday night trying to talk her through getting the ringer louder on her cell phone and the model she has is so far different (it's a flip phone), I couldn't figure out how. And it's old enough (pre-pandemic!) that there's no manual online any more.

But I'm ready for the bad little surprises to stop. 

it's THAT day

 Yeah. 25 years on. Almost half my life. 

I still have vivid memories of the day - we had just moved into the building where we are right now, but I was still walking across campus (a half-mile at that point) to buy a copy of the Dallas Morning News (the bookstore used to get it) to read while I sat in my office hours.  And in those days I didn't have classes on Tuesdays, so it was an office hours/other work day. That may actually have been the last day I bought that paper, ever. 

When I walked in the room - it was probably around 9 am local time. Normally the bookstore was playing a local country-music station but today it was a newscaster on, with that terrible hushed-but-urgent voice that meant - even before I could comprehend the words - that something bad had happened.

I asked the clerk about it when she checked me out. "Oh," she said, "A plane hit the World Trade Center in New York City." I don't think any of us realized at that point; I visualized a little tourist plane (I don't even know if they do plane tours, I knew in Hawaii they did helicopter tours and those occasionally have tragic crashes) and thought "how awful, and what a foolish mistake that pilot must have made. I hope everyone in the building is okay...."

As I was crossing a parking lot (over by the old Arts building, since torn down), one of the Art faculty stopped me: "They are saying it's terrorists" she said. 

I got back up to my office and tried to bring up some news. NY Times, CNN, the usual news sites - could not get access to any of them because there was such a load of people trying to read them. I finally checked in with a bulletin board I was part of back then and someone who lived in Manhattan was on and was explaining what was happening. 

After a bit I went down to the office, because I guess I didn't want to be alone. Our secretary had managed to rig a small black and white tv with extra antennas (this was back before the digital conversion, back when you could pull in signals from the air). By then the towers had collapsed but we all saw the replay; I remember we were standing in a semi circle around the tv. I was hugging myself with my arms because I was scared. (And now: only one person who was in that group, other than me, is still teaching, everyone else has retired)

Eventually they sent us all home. I don't know to this day if they thought it was for our safety (expecting more attacks) or if it was "Well, no one will be able to concentrate on work anyway" or if it was done out of respect for the dead. 

That was such a strange fall, and perhaps in some ways, it sowed the seeds for the divisiveness we have today. I remember some businesses in my parents' town (more diverse than here) that were owned by various Middle-Eastern (or even Indian or Pakistani; people wanted to attack anyone with brown skin and an accent in those days) put up big "GOD BLESS AMERICA" signs on their stores, I suppose hoping it would protect them. (When really: the attack was carried out by a very small minority of what was a very small minority group within only one of the ethnic groups, and I'm still not totally convinced that their motivation was what we were told it was)

And I remember all the accounts of missing people; one I remember is how the Patternworks webpage (this was back before they were bought out, back when they were still in Poughkeepsie under the original owners) had a photograph of the husband of one of the people who worked there. I presume he died in the towers...

(I might, this evening, get out one of my KnitLit books and read the couple of essays that were written shortly after that time, just as commemoration) 

 

Anyway, some years later I came across this on Sirus XM on September 11. It took me a while to figure it out. I can't say I LIKE it given what it commemorates but I think it is good art, and I think the feelings it brings  ring true for me - the numinousness, the "what would you do if," the horror of thinking of all those lives ending at about the same time - and all the families changed forever and horribly so, no real chance to say goodbye:

 ****

Other than that, it's been an upsetting week. A few things I can't talk about. The latest thing that jolted me momentarily, but which resolved okay - I was trying to finish up grading in my office (it was already after 4 pm) and my phone rang. I didn't look at the number, it just announced "Mom" and I wondered "why is she calling now"

Well, I picked up and a neighbor gave her name and said "I have your mother here...." and I thought immediately "oh no. Did she fall? did she get hurt? Did Jackie have to call an ambulance? Are they at the hospital" I didn't exactly yell into the phone but I know I shakily asked if my mom was okay. "Oh, she's fine. Her landline is broken." Jackie was helping my mom refamiliarize herself with the cell phone she never uses and had her call me so I would know. And she wanted me to call my brother so HE'D know. (I wound up having to text him her cell phone number, she didn't have it). 

Apparently someone is coming to fix it Monday but hopefully my mom is clear enough on using the cell phone (these days sometimes her working memory isn't the greatest, especially when she's flustered.) I guess I'll know in a few minutes when I try calling her on her cell. 

But yeah. This week has been A LOT and it's still hot out, and I am just extremely tired. 

Thursday evening things

 *The chart row-keeper I ordered came yesterday, so I set it up and continued on. I'm up to the point of making the small + shapes before actually starting the moth

 I really need the chart keeper for the "non rhythmic" parts of the pattern, this row  is 3 of the mushroom color and three of the purple, so it's easy to remember 

I'm trying to maintain a consistent and looser tension; I think the reason I don't like colorwork is that I do tend to knit tightly and it doesn't look good when it pulls in at a tight tension, and it's not comfortable to wear (I am making a large size - 46" - here and will have a fair amount of positive ease which will also help). 

I gave an exam today and knit more on the hat; it's still not done. 

* I'm still thinking about the Thing I Can't Talk About at work; it doesn't *directly* involve me but it's distressing, and it's something that negatively affects a couple colleagues and it's another reminder that everything you do causes ripples in this world. I try to leave only good ones, but I know no person can do that all the time (and now I think of Chidi Anagonye from the early seasons of The Good Place, and how tormented he was by trying to be maximally ethical, and I relate to that and admit I fall into that trap).

But also, this has just been an exceptionally stressful start to the semester. Not just this, but also the fallout from the cyberincident, and the fact that there's no AC in much of the building, and there are loud industrial fans in the halls to circulate the cool air from the rooms that have it, and it's loud, and stuffy, and driving in on one of our chewed up roads yesterday something briefly snapped in me and I said to the empty air of my car, "Why must EVERYTHING be so unpleasant? why must we always have discomfort and trouble and difficulty? Why can't at least one thing be nice and pleasant?" and yes, I know, you have to make it or find it for yourself but some days that's very hard.

And I really do need some comfort, and not just the tiny comfort of maybe a fancier dessert with dinner (not that there's anywhere really in town to get a really good slice of cake or similar) or of ordering some stickers from Etsy. I need BIG comfort, and probably comfort involving another person, just hanging out with me or doing something with me. But that's not likely to happen so I just kind of plug along through the discomfort, and hope that maybe in the future things will be better but every day that thought that that would be possible gets smaller and more distant. 

And I think of "The Professor's House," which I read in Summer 2020, and how at the end the eponymous professor has a brush with mortality (poorly vented gas heater in his attic workroom; Augusta, the family's German maid finds him and saves him, and he thinks about how Prohibition was starting (and this is someone who liked his wine and sherry) and the quotation from the book is

"He had never learned to live without delight. And he would have to learn to, just as, in a Prohibition country, he supposed he would have to learn to live without sherry. Theoretically he knew that life is possible, may be even pleasant, without joy, without passionate griefs. But it had never occurred to him that he might have to live like that."

And yes. Maybe that's becoming an older adult? learning to live without delight and passion and maybe even joy? I mean I still have the relief of, I don't know, getting home on a Friday and being able to fix a nicer dinner than I normally have time for, or going to bed and knowing there's not an alarm to have to wake me the next morning, or getting a few minutes at the piano. But it seems like the bad things are worse now, and the good things are not as strong about wiping them away as they once were - and maybe this is just how it is? And I just have to accept it? 

and it's Tuesday

 Already a hard week. It's still brutally hot here, to the point where I replaced what was going to be one of my few field labs with the "trapped inside by bad weather" version of it (with simulated organisms) that I wrote years back for an extremely rainy summer.

The heat is really unpleasant and distressing; I think everyone feels it. I retrieved the washers I spray painted for another lab from one of the (non climate controlled) outbuildings and it about did me in, as did working in the teaching lab in the part of the building where we're down to "portable" AC units. 

So I'm punting to a "bead based" lab. They'll still learn the calculations, it won't be as fun, but I won't get overheated and if there's anyone with worse heat sensitivity than I have, they won't be in danger. 

I am VERY ready for the heat to break but it could be another month. Not sure if I'll make it.... 

And something happened. I can't give details; it's a personnel thing, but if it's what I think it is, it's sad and upsetting and while it doesn't directly affect me it still affects me because I care about people and also random unpleasant changes upset me a lot. And its quite a thing to have sprung on you without fully expecting it. 

This has been the worst start to a semester - between this, no AC, the cyber incident, and several other things - that I have had. I'm actually wondering if the universe is telling me to quit a few years short of retirement and, I don't know, find a whole new career in something else. Well, the universe picks LOUSY economic times to hint that, I doubt I could FIND another decent job. 

***

Added a couple more rounds to the "collection of columns" sock, but didn't have the energy to do much (I got home later than I planned because I tried to work on my "annual productivity report" after everything else but didn't get far (They're due next week; I hope I can finish it Thursday - tomorrow will be too busy)

I thought about working on Bankhead but I might have just enough left on it for Thursday's exam, and I don't want to start something new. 

***

I took the two tubs of books to the library. They seemed happy enough to get them and said they were accepting up until the 21st when I said I might have more. I have to decide quickly if a few "more expensive/more like new ones" I have should go there, or if I should save them back in case I ever get down to Sundrop again and could trade them for store credit (and replace several books with one)

*** 

I am considering putting "Far from the Madding Crowd" aside for a bit and either restarting "The Enchanted Greenhouse" or reading another one of the light-fantasies I have, because life is heavy and I need something light and ideally funny. 

I don't like that there aren't "happily ever afters" in life (or if there are, looks like I won't get one) but at least I can have them in my books. 

***

This came in the mail today; a friend of mine's sister had a lot of these Happy Meal toys and was sending ones out to people her sister suggested.

 Hello Kitty as Godzilla! I don't even know if the local McDonald's got these or not, and anyway, they're all the way across town and I don't eat Happy Meals.

(When I was first learning to walk, my dad nicknamed me Zillah, short for Godzilla, because I "walked so stompy" (except I think all babies kind of do? but I was a first child)) 

Labor Day over

 Well, I didn't have a lot of fun, but I didn't get a lot useful done either.

 

I did get a couple more rounds done of the colorwork; the next one starts to resolve the + shaped colorwork on the sweater. Eventually I get to doing the moth; I did order a magnetic chart-board to hold the charts and it should arrive before I get that far (sadly, neither of the yarn shops within a drive of me had one - I asked in Farmersville when I was last down there this spring, and I checked at my local and they don't carry them. So I mail ordered. 

 It distresses me slightly how long this takes; I think I knit more slowly now because I have a little arthritis in my hands. 

I also started sorting through the books. I really have too much stuff in a too small house and that's why I'm getting mice (too many places where they can hide) and so I have to get rid of stuff. I worked in my bedroom today and got two big tubs - one of juvenile and YA books, which I used to read a lot but recently got away from, and one of other books. (I AM keeping my copy of "My Side of the Mountain" and "No Flying in the House," and also the various Folio Society ones I've bought over the years - The Little Prince, the 101 Dalmatians, some Rosemary Sutcliff books). I did also find my copy of "The Great Divorce (though it was pretty much where I remembered it was). I want to read it again after seeing a quotation from it somewhere; I remember it's one of the few books that made me openly cry in public (I was waiting in an Amtrak station when I read it)

I also did a little cleaning-cleaning but that's not the hard part for me (and yes, it's the part I COULD hire out, if I had less stuff to have to work around); it's the tidying and finding places for stuff that's hard, so I really thing a purge of stuff is the only way.

I have the tubs of books in the car, on the grounds that "I have the time and energy to put them in now" and if I have time after work tomorrow I can call the public library and see if they're accepting donations for their sale. I had a few older paperbacks (older = 1980 to 1999 or so) that had gotten kind of foxed-looking from being in storage and I just pitched those, figuring people wouldn't want to buy books that look dirty.

I think I will find more later; there were a couple shelves I didn't look on yet, and there's still the shelves in the living room and the guest room. 

Messy, loud, weird

 A couple of intersecting thoughts. 

First: a few weeks ago I went to a cookout. It was people I work with, whom I generally like, and get on well with, but I do find in social situations I run out of things to say. (And after a couple hours I just want to bail. I guess I really am an introvert after all despite thinking during the pandemic, when I was SO isolated, maybe I was actually more extroverted than I thought).

Also, my life experience is a lot different in a lot of ways: I don't drink alcohol, for one thing, and while there's no pressure to at these things (and they are generally BYOB if you want alcohol), I still feel weird FOR MYSELF even if other people are drinking water or soda, or if they stop after a beer. (I probably compare myself to others too much). I'm not partnered up (not everyone is, but also: I have not "dated" as extensively (really: not much at all). And I don't travel and don't have the sort of interesting and exciting stories. I mostly just....work? And my hobbies are different.And what kind of movies, music, etc. I like is different - I prefer older movies (I'm going back to TCM more and more of late, and not just because they don't break into the movie with ads - which I dislike and which takes me out of the narrative - but also, I just prefer those. I don't like horror, I'm not big on action or superhero movies unless there's more underneath it than the special effects) And I prefer kiddie movies! I like Bluey and I like a lot of the Pixar movies. 

And the thing is, I'm really quiet about that kind of thing and usually try to pretend I'm different from who I am. Because I feel like people might not understand or might thing I'm weird. (I"m actually kind of the same way with people I know from church). I think, I guess, people would think something was wrong with me, that I never grew up "all the way," and heck, maybe I didn't? One thing that scares me is that people will think I'm a failure at being an adult. 

And that brings me to this evening, and the title of the post. Turning Red was on one of the Disney channels, and I watched it (first, just on in the background as I finished piano practice and later as I worked on the current hat). I remember some people panning it when it came out; one online Brosephus type (derogatory) said it was pointless because the only person who could relate was the movie's creator, that it was a project made for just her, or maybe a FEW other women who grew up Chinese-Canadian in Toronto in the early 2000s. And I don't know. I liked it. Even if maybe some of the cultural things (which I don't even know how accurately they were portrayed) were interesting (I admit I like the concept that some Asian, and I guess also some Latino, cultures have of "The Aunties," a group of older women, usually the sisters of a parent but maybe not necessarily, who are sometimes strict, sometimes loving...) And yes, there's a strong fantasy aspect with the turning-into-a-red-panda thing (a metaphor, I guess, for how traditionally some women are pushed to suppress strong emotion?). But it's still interesting. (And I also remember Some Dude On The Internet trying to claim the panda was menarche, and while there's a scene in there where - perhaps the joke flies over the head of kids too young to know - but there is a reference to that, where Ming, the mom, thinks MeiMei has had her first period when she first turns into the panda and freaks out, because yeah, a lot of girls freak out when that's happening, *even when they know to expect it* (ask me how I know))

But yeah, the idea of suppressing emotion. I never had the familial conflict with my mom or which aunts I had (the aunts all lived too far away and we saw them too infrequently) and my mom and are both very much "I'd rather not talk about it, especially not with someone so emotionally close" so perhaps some of the suppression-of-strong-emotion was something we did (I don't remember ever seeing her very angry, and I only remember her crying on a few occasions, where it would be expected someone would cry, like the death of one of her siblings). I think I suppressed that less; I remember getting very angry as a teen (mostly at myself, which is also something in the movie relatable to me - I often feel like I'm not good enough). 

But at the end, Mei Mei makes some comment about how you should be your messy, loud, weird self. And while maybe I'm not that often "loud" (though sometimes I forget "indoor voice" especially when I'm afraid I'm not being heard), I'm definitely messy. And I think I'm weird given that my interests in movies and things like music are different than the modal person my age (or younger; most of my colleagues are a decade or more younger than I am now).  And maybe the reason I never DID push harder to find a partner (and certainly am not now), and while I don't have a lot of what you might call close-close friends is the whole "terrifying ordeal of being known" thing - the fear that people will learn how weird I am and be a little repulsed by it. And that is a bit of a burden to carry at times. 

And then the third thought: one of the things people remarked on about Dolly Parton, after her death, was a comment she made along the lines of finding who you authentically were, and being that person. And while a lot of people on social media commented on that potentially being a pro-LGBTQ people statement (And Dolly does seem to have been supportive, commenting that she had people in that community in her family), I suppose it really applies to everyone, that in the long run being who you are is more joyful than trying to suppress it. 

And while there are some things about me I'm pretty open about with everyone - like I have pretty firm (possibly even rigid) ethics I stick to, and I'm proud of working to be an ethical person in what looks like an increasingly fallen world, and while I'm okay with it when I occasionally get on odd tangents in class and maybe go down some rabbit trails of esoteric natural-history information that aren't really necessary for the students to know, I like that I know that stuff and can share it, and maybe some of the students remember it. (Or maybe they just think I'm weird, it's hard for me to know for sure). But things like the types of movies or novels I prefer, I'm more quiet about, and the fact that I'm basically asocial unless I'm being explicitly invited to go do things. 

Again, I think I'm afraid of being thought weird, that I can suppress my natural awkwardness only so long, and when it comes out - well, it's not lovable in the way that turning into a giant red panda would be lovable. And I have had some past experience of rejection for being who I am...and I guess on some level I decided that staying quiet (or going to see the movie I'd rather not see rather than suggest a different one) is preferable to being made fun of, or maybe rejected...

at long last

 It wasn't a very good day for "failed renovation of work building" reasons and "mice" reasons, but at least I got the colorwork started on the sweater.

 

Just barely, just a few stitches of the first row, but it's SOMETHING:

 This is the Moon Moth sweater. The yarn is KnitPicks Gloss dk in moonlight and blackberry (yes, that is a very dark purple, not a black).

restarting a project

 Well, not "restarting" in the sense that I "restarted" Far from the Madding Crowd, where I went back to the beginning and re read what I had already read. (I probably should have a small notebook and write down the references I don't know; I can get some from context and others may not matter much, but not knowing things bugs me. I tried to find a "chapter by chapter annotation" online but it's all stuff like SparkNotes and Cliff's Notes, which is not the level of detail I wanted, it's not "here's what this specific word means in this context" but rather "here's a quick summary and main themes so you can either skim or not really read")

I had been thinking about the Moon Moth sweater and wanted to get back to it. I don't know, I think having a big project hanging around unfinished bugs me in some way (more so than the socks and hats do). So my plan tonight was to dig it out and get the colorwork started (I still had four rounds to go, but they're like 250 stitches each, so....)

I also got home later than intended because I wanted to get the last bit of the summer research done, and I spent some time talking with a colleague. 

But after dinner, I did pull out the sweater. First I had to pick up a couple dropped stitches; always a risk when you store something that's many stitches on a circular needle (I know there are stoppers you can buy but I don't have a set handy, and I always trust "it's okay, I'll be careful with it"). THEN I realized:

- I can't find my copy of the pattern

- And I don't remember which size I was making.

The first one was simple enough; I bought the pattern as a .pdf from Etsy and I was able to download and print it again (I know there are rules about how you're only supposed to make one copy - to discourage people passing them around - but it seems to me if you LOSE your copy you should be able to make a new one. I don't really think it's LOST lost, but it would have meant a half hour or so of searching since it wasn't in the bag or basket I expected it was in, and I didn't want to lose that time. Also, my original copy was black and white, and I have a color printer now, so maybe the chart will look nicer in color?)

I figured out what size without having to count by searching the blog and somewhere I commented the ribbing was 244 stitches, so I know it's the 46" size (which is BIG, but I intend to wear this over a turtleneck or longsleeved t shirt). So that got me back on the road, but I didn't finish all the rounds before the chart and I have to go to bed really soon because tomorrow is an early morning and a busy day.

But at least it's restarted, and  the 2 1/2 rounds is more than I've done in months on it..... 

it's still hot

 I'm managing. I don't love it. 

Three things, though:

I actually cooked something mostly from scratch (used canned chickpeas and dry pasta) for dinner. This is from a cookbook I have called Easy Everyday; it's lemon/parmesan spaghetti with roasted chickpeas

 It was pretty good. I really liked the chickpeas and will do them again with the same spice mix (garlic powder, smoked paprika, oregano, salt, pepper). I'm a little meh on spaghetti but this one wasn't bad. But I could see making the chickpeas again for snacks or just a finger-food dinner; I really like chick peas. 

***

Sometimes, redressing dolls is a little self-care. I pulled out the "comfy princess" (this is from Ralph Breaks the Internet) Elsa and Anna I bought way back (before the pandemic even, maybe?) and changed the clothes on them for vintage handsewn Barbie dresses.

The challenge is, they have odd-sized feet, so they have to wear their own shoes - so pale blue flats for Elsa and black hi-tops for Anna (they are in modern clothes in the movie). I imagine that in this iteration, Elsa is more classic/professional in her demeanor and Anna is a little punky. (Wasn't Anna canonically the younger sister?)

Anyway. I like Anna in the red, and the suit seems to work for Elsa:

I added the glasses - I think they were from a Creatable World pack - to Elsa, I think she looks good in them.

***

Mostly this weekend I knit on the Bankhead hat that will be an eventual gift; I'm pretty happy with how it's turning out. I like simple patterns like this:

 

Friday evening things

 It's been a long week. I haven't done a lot of knitting, mostly working on the hat, but it's been hot, it will be hot for a long time, and it's one of those times where I wonder if we'll ever be able to wear knitted things again so what's even the point? I'm running through my thin summer dresses and skirts for teaching and I am heartily tired of all my summer clothes. 

I just want a change. Cooler temperatures and/or rain. I also haven't been able to get out of town (the construction, and the heat - last weekend it was like 106) and I think that weighs on me; I need a little time away from thoughts about work or the worries of the little town (I don't think I'll go tomorrow; it's knitting Zoom and also next weekend is Labor Day, so if I go Saturday than I have two full other days to either rest or get caught up)

Also, it's those late-summer doldrums where rather than scripted shows all the networks show their depraved "reality" contest shows, which I dislike (and which feel like a cheat to me: I'm sure there's no shortage of narcissists who think it'll make their career willing to work for less money than actors will, and really no writers needed, and minimal sets....)

Most of the other cable channels, unless I can catch a cartoon I like or something like the Yukon Vet aren't interesting or enjoyable. 

So I've gone back to TCM on the grounds of "even if this isn't a movie that seems like my cup of tea* I can still watch it, there are no ads to pull me out of paying attention and maybe I'll come to like it"

Though tonight, "To Kill a Mockingbird," which I DO like, is on, so I'm watching it.

Last night was "All About Eve," which was okay (I don't like movies about scheming people, or people where you're not really sure of their motives) but I wish I had had the energy (and didn't have an 8 am class) to stay up for "A Catered Affair" (Another Bette Davis movie, but here she is playing against what I think of as her "type" - she is a working-class Bronx housewife with a cab-driver husband and two grown kids, and Barry Fitzgerald (who I always enjoy in things) as an Irish uncle (I presume of Aggie, Bette Davis' character). And again, it's one of those slice-of-life, "tell me how you live" seeming sort of things I enjoy - but it was late and I was tired and being alert for class matters more. 

I'm still working alternately on "Proto" and on "Far from the Madding Crowd" (which I restarted after losing the thread of it, but that's fine).  

Things I miss

 I was thinking about this the other day. Some of the things I miss are places I used to go, some of the things I miss are experiences that won't come again in my life. Some of the things are feelings.

I guess the places are simplest. Like, I still miss JoAnn Fabrics. Yes, I know they were a huge corporation and they did shady stuff like all of them do, and I rolled my eyes about the "jacked up prices so we can put it on sale" things. But it was also just NICE going there, I could walk the aisles and think of the possibilities (I can't remember if they were the "Imagine the Possibilities!" craft store or if it was another one) of things I could make. And for a few brief months when there was a real surge of knitting books coming out, and I got coupons in the mail (and later, e-mail) for 40% off, my library really grew.

They did fall on hard times and I know a few times even before their bankruptcy was announced I wondered at the lack of restocking and how, like, they didn't get new yarn lines in.

And now they're gone. We do still have Michael's but they're not the same - more heavily "party oriented" (I am NOT a "party" person, I know that) and the one we have is small so the yarn and the fabric sections they have are small. (There is Hobby Lobby, but I choose not to shop there, for Reasons). And I do have the little yarn shop which is no farther than Michael's, but their stock is smaller and more expensive. 

I miss having the used bookstore in town; heck, I miss there really being places I could "pop in" and say hi to the owner and browse a little and maybe buy something or maybe not, if I didn't find anything I wanted. We suffer here for a lack of third places, or maybe I do (because I'm not a casino goer, nor do I have kids in "activities" like sports or cheer/tumbling) and I think that's one thing I would really like to see here, and that might help keep me here once I retire - rather than me plotting and planning and budgeting and seeing if I can buy a place somewhere else, where there are more people with similar interests to me. I mean,maybe the little romance-themed bookstore will succeed and expand and we'll have a proper bookstore again, but given it was labeled "pop up" and given economics here I'm bracing myself for it to go away some time. 

I miss there being a nice 'light lunch' place. Waaaaaay back when I lived in Ann Arbor there were numerous places close to campus where you could grab a simple sandwich or something fairly quickly, but they had servers and some of them (I remember one called, I think it was The Continental) were nice, and quiet and calm and were sometimes what I just needed. Here we have mainly fast food which serves a purpose but i rarely eat it because of health and taste reasons. We have a few nicer places but they're all "bigger" meals that are heavier and not suited for lunch. (We once had a "ladies' restaurant," you might call it, with simple sandwiches and salads, but the owner of the shop it was in retired and they closed).

Of course, I miss all the people I've lost. I still miss Steve some times, and I miss Del. And I miss Mecy and lots of other folks who have passed on. And I miss colleagues who were here when I came here who have since retired - oh, one or two come back once in a while, but it's not the same and it's a little lonely being the person with the longest tenure here and most people are so far younger than I am. And I miss people who have moved on in their life and we didn't keep up the acquaintanceship or whatever it was (and makes me think that "maybe what I thought of as friendship sometimes wasn't"). I also think people in general have changed since the pandemic; I can't quite put my finger on it but it's like some people have locked down and basically said "I'm good with just my nuclear family, I don't need any new people" and that leaves people like me a little out in the cold, and you know? Finding what you might call "found family" is way harder than it seems in books or movies. 

I miss the days of active knitblogging, back in the early 2000s. Heck, I miss the older, weirder, less-corporate Web. I miss when people would hang out their little shingle and write about their life and you could read it and sometimes comment, and sometimes people commented on your blog. But over time, some of those folks who had been in college or whatever got full time jobs. Or got married. Or had a kid. Or just got bored and decided they had written everything they could. (Some days i wonder if I've exhausted my capacity to say anything interesting and if maybe it's time to close this blog down). Some of them found out they could advertise their books or their shop and the blog pivoted to advertising, and then closed down after people like me quit visiting because there's only so much advertising a person can take.

But for a few years in the early 2000s, it was really fun! And really nice. But I think just like after JoAnn's died that we will never get a large chain that sells dressmaker fabric and notions again, we'll never get a time of people just hobbyblogging for fun again. Everyone's too tired and too busy, too many people are working multiple jobs or some folks have bought into the "never do anything you can't make into a side hustle' (so you get things like paid substacks instead)

 

 Maybe what I really miss is more of a community feeling? For example, I JUST remember as a kid when the town I grew up in did Ice Cream Socials one night every summer: people baked cakes or pies(!) and brought them down, and the Junior League or somebody dished them up on paper plates, and you picked what you wanted and also got either a scoop or a little paper-wrapped brick of vanilla ice cream, and people sat around on the village green and talked and ate dessert and I think now how no one ever poisoned anyone and I guess people with certain allergies just decided to be careful (like: not taking anything with chocolate) and now it just wouldn't happen because people would worry about hygiene standards or someone putting something untoward in their pie and whatever. Never mind that there's no longer the kind of large volunteer group to do the serving. And so again, everyone clamps down in their little family groups (or maybe friend groups) and you  lose that kind of interaction. 

I want to hope the future will bring "new dreams, maybe better dreams and plenty" but i admit I'm old enough and disappointed enough by life at this point to doubt it. I don't even know what a new community thing would LOOK like, given how fractious some people are.... 

RIP, a legend

 If you know, you can guess what this is about. If you didn't, I'm sorry this is how you found out (but I suspect most people know)

 

Dolly Parton died today.

I had come home for lunch - a little late, I get out of class at 12:15 and then I had to do the "census" for my classes (basically: in the second week you have to report if anyone never attended. I only had one person across my four classes. This is to prevent financial aid fraud though I do admit in the past I had a few people I reported get mad at me "I was GOING to start attending! I had to finish up my summer job!" but how was I to know). 

So it was a bit before 1, I had one of the news channels on, and the reader said "oh, wait, we have breaking news" and then revealed the news.

I admit, sitting in my living room, I said "NOOOOOOOOOO!" 

It's hard to believe even though she WAS 80, and there were some things that suggested lately she'd had a health challenge of some sort. But there are some people you expect to stick around forever. 

It makes me sad. More about who she was and what she chose to do with her wealth, fame, and influence than her music (which we always will have). 

She helped fund the Moderna Covid vaccine.

She had the Imagination Library, which introduced children around the world to books and the joy of reading.

She did a lot of largely-unsung things for folks in the corner of Tennessee where she grew up

She supported a pet rescue and a bald-eagle sanctuary that helped protect injured birds and let them live out their lives

She was apparently warm and kind to EVERYONE and a lot of people on Bluesky pointed out that she was an ally of gay and trans people even back when you had to be even braver to be so.

And she donated (IIRC) the royalty  proceeds she got  from Whitney Houston's cover of I Will Always Love You to help renovate a largely-Black neighborhood in Nashville.

 

I commented that Dolly Parton didn't do good deeds so people would mourn her when she was gone, or build monuments to her; she did them because they were the right thing and she could do them. I suspect her coming from very modest beginnings shaped her sense of "we live in a community" and desire to help. But also - she had the money and she could do it, and she CHOSE to do it. (Unlike some very wealthy people who sit like Smaug atop their money or stock options or whatever instead of maybe helping others)

When someone like Parton passes, there's a huge outpouring of stories about what they did, and lots of comments about how good she was. Again, I don't know for sure what the "secret sauce" that caused her to make the choices she did - I suppose it could be, as I said, coming from modest beginnings and saying, once she acquired some wealth "other people don't have to cope with what I did; I can make it so they don't" or if it was her deep faith or what. 

Someone on Bluesky commented "Imagine being talented and beautiful and rich and famous and still the most noteworthy thing about you is how good you are" and I dont' think that's so much a paean to Dolly's goodness as maybe it's an indictment of the rest of our society; that she seems to have been so rare a person.

Someone also shared a story that happened to Roger Ebert of how when he met her and interviewed her, he sensed a "healing and comforting presence" about her, and it turned out that when he told his colleague Gene Siskel about it, he revealed he had the same sense. (And I saw reports from other people who had met her, talking about her gracious and loving presence). And I admit, I wonder if maybe somehow there are a few angels that are permitted to visit earth, and maybe we don't recognize them when they're here, but they make things better and then are deeply missed when they leave.

Though also, maybe she was a sign that more of us should try to emulate her: be more loving, more accepting of people you might not fully understand, being more generous, helping out when you can, and also - being able to laugh at yourself.

(I can't, and Dolly could, and I always appreciated when I heard some of her humor; a famous one was an interviewer asked her if she disliked "dumb blonde" jokes and she laughed and said "no, I'm not. Because I know I'm not dumb - and I also know I'm not blonde!")

Of course she was also a gifted musician, and wrote a lot of music (and seemed to be canny about how to keep the rights to the songs, and I read that she's set up trusts so the charities she's funded can continue as best as possible)

"I Will Always Love You" was famously covered by Whitney Houston, but I admit I prefer Parton's original version, with the short spoken-word bit in it

 (And yes, I know: she wrote this the same day as Jolene. And Jolene is a good song, but I prefer this one, it is a type of heartbreak I understand well from my younger life)

Another favorite song of hers for me is "Light of a Clear Blue Morning." In a different (choral) arrangement, the campus choir sang this at Del's memorial service back in 2021 (in that strange inbetween time when most of us were vaccinated but still being SO careful) and it was so perfect and I've loved it sense

She could have fun, too, with music, and she had fun with other musicians. I think maybe she just loved everybody? This is another happy bit, when she and Patti LaBelle figured out an unusual way to get rhythm:

 

 I also realize from that what an infectious laugh she had, you can't hear that and not smile. 

Anyway, another comment I made on Bluesky about it: If anyone gets to hear "well done, My good and faithful servant" as they enter the Pearly Gates, it's her.  

back to mitts

 I spotted the "Book Lovers Mitts" in a project bag and pulled them out. The first mitt is all but done - I just had to bind off the finger end and then do the thumb (I still didn't finish that)

I rotated it in Photos but it rotated back, this stupid laptop, it's so much worse than the one I had up to 2023 or so.

 

I did get some more done on the hat over the weekend but no photo of that tonight.

I'm pretty tired. It's still unbelievably hot here, I think this is the worst year since 2011, and there's no end in sight to the heat or drought. 

I dunno, I'm just tired and sad, I think some of it is the heat and just that a lot of bad stuff is going on locally, some of which I can't talk about. (We aren't that close to Velma, a town that had a massive wild fire, but we're close enough and this state is small enough in terms of population that we heard. And also a about a school bus wreck where some teens were injured). 

I went to a barbecue at a colleague's but wound up leaving first (though by then it was 8 pm) because I was so peopled out, and I felt bad that I can't be more social and I don't....I don't have a lot of interesting stuff to say, I mostly have just always worked since I was 30 and I don't travel interesting places or things like that and I wound up feeling bad and weird because why can't I be a more normal human? (In their defense: none of my colleagues acted like that, it was just my own brain). But I don't do so well with "unstructured" interaction where I don't exactly know my role. Like, at church I know where I fit in in the hierarchy, and if I were in a craft group I'd know, but with work-people I'm odd because I'm still single in my 50s and like I said, I haven't done a lot and I think I'm kind of uninteresting. 

And that continued after church, when we all went out to a Mexican place (it's a good restaurant and probably my favorite Mexican place here) but someone commented I was "quiet" and I just mentioned I was "still peopled out" and apparently a couple folks didn't understand how that was possible.

(Part of it is also probably that because of the heat and school starting up and bad construction on the interstate, I've not been out of town in a long time - I think the quick trip up to Sulphur was the last time - and having to manage with what the wal-mart carries for food and not getting to see different places maybe gets to me a little and reminds me of 2020).

But yeah, I am tired.  

a new project

 This was a hard week. I managed not to cry (I half-joked to a colleague on Monday that I couldn't guarantee that I would not, everything is still kind of a mess, but then again, some of the students suggested we seemed to have things better together than some other departments do after the cyberincident).

I didn't want to but I did go back to work on research after lunch.

I got to thinking about the yarn I had put aside to donate, and one skein in particular - an older MadTosh worsted. (It's from The Loopy Ewe before the original owner retired, so I think it's pre-pandemic?). And I got to thinking about hats, and gift-exchange gifts, and I thought, "I could make a Bankhead Hat out of that yarn and use it for the AAUW gift, that both gets it out of my stash and used, and also provides the gift I will need later on" 

 

So I set up the ball winder and swift for  this

I also kind of wanted to wind off the yarn for the Petoskey Cowl and for a pair of fingerless mitts I bought some Quixotic-Fibers dyed yarn for, but it was late at that point (I had got home later than intended, and faffed around before dinner, and then after dinner decided to change the sheets on my bed (and with as many pillows and stuffed animals as I have on there, that is a production), so I just wound off that one skein but did leave the swift set up if I want to wind the others tomorrow.

And then I wanted to quick shower (it's hot, rushing around to make the bed made me feel kind of warm) but I still started the hat tonight. Didn't get very far but it's a nice simple and portable project, and if I do need a carry along project soon, now I've got it. 

 

It does please me to use up a yarn I've had for so long that I forgot what I bought it for initially (It's possible there was some colorwork thing that called for a variegated yarn, but since I've forgotten it, it doesn't matter now). 

the new bookstore

 It's been ungodly hot here and I don't have much motivation to knit tonight. Also, this was my longest teaching day (three lectures and a lab, and EVERY FREAKING ROOM has a different procedure to project materials on a screen and it's driving me spare because it's hard to remember, "okay, in this room the smartboard is coded as 'monitor 3' so if you don't have 'monitor 3' activated nothing will show up" and in another room you can write with a stylus but ONLY with one program open, and you can't save what you're writing, and I AM GOING TO GET A NASTYGRAM FROM DISABILITY CONCERNS OVER THIS so now I have to call IT and harass them yet again about this.

So after lab, it was about 3 pm, I decided to do something for MYSELF. 

I was surprised to find, when looking something up on bookshop.org, that we were getting another small local bookstore. It is literally the size of my living room, it's in a "suite" in a little office building that also has a hearing aid shop and a prosthetics shop. They had said they opened Saturday and that they were a "pop up shop" (which makes me wonder how long they'll stay), so I wanted to get down there.

Drove past on Saturday. There were literally 65 people in line to get in. I figured because it seemed small they could only let in small groups at a time. And it was VERY hot that day (it's VERY hot always now, and I'm not sure I can believe it ever will not be again), and I didn't want to stand in a long line in the heat.

They also billed themself as "romance forward" or something similar and yeah, I get it, that's one genre that actually still sells and people who read a lot of romance buy a lot of books so it's a smart business decision (beyond being what the owner likes). But I am less of a fan of romance. Oh, I'm fine with some romance-adjacent things - I liked The Spellshop and while I never quite finished "The Enchanted  Greenhouse" I liked it too.  And I had seen a reference to a book called "Moss'd in Space" which was "cozy" sci-fi with some romance. (I really, really like the Monk and Robot books, which, if not "cozy" sci-fi per se, is friendly and nice and "hopepunk" and I REALLY need more "hopepunk" right now.

So I decided to go down there and see if they either had that book, or the ocean-and-sailing-themed new Sarah Beth Durst one (which happens in the world of The Spellshop).

Struck out on "Moss'd in Space" (but the owner said she knew it, and should have it in a couple weeks, and it sounds like she'll be here at least that long?) but

 Yeah, I bought it in hardback. (I have the other two in hardback). I've gone back to buying more hardbacks of books I might want to keep and re read, and anyway, I like them to match. (This one also has the dyed page edges - Spellshop has purple, Greenhouse has green. This one has blue. It's a little thing but it's a thing that makes me happy)

I should pull The Enchanted Greenhouse out and restart it, and finish it this time. But then again - I'm almost done with Hoof Beats (a history of horse domestication) and I'm almost halfway through "Proto" (A history of Proto-Indo-European, which is very readable and is really interesting to me, unlike the other, bigger, earlier scholarly tome I tried to read and bogged down in twice. Also I'm seeing come connections with the book Between Two Rivers I read earlier this year). And I'm still working on "Far from the Madding Crowd" but I also kind of want to restart that and get a notebook for while I read so I can note down unfamiliar allusions and the odd word I don't already know so I can look them up. (I don't keep my phone in my room, and I like to leave it on charge overnight, or I could have it and directly look things up) (I suppose I could have a pencil and softly underline things; it's a book I own and I tend not to think it's a crime to write in a book you personally own)

But the tiny break, and a very brief conversation with a friendly person about something not-work was probably what I needed. I hope the store continues; I hope the huge crowd of people on its opening is an indicator there's a market for this in town. The woman working there apologized for not having any bags (but I was just buying the one book, so it was easy to carry) because their Saturday was so busy they went through all of them.

I'd really love to see "microbusinesses" in town where there are a lot of little shops offering specialized things; and different businesses to the ones that are super abundant (nail salons, "medspas," auto parts stores, weed dispensaries) because none of those things are "for me." And while a romance-themed book shop isn't exactly my genre, it's nice to see it, and there are occasionally books in that genre I would read....

I had to run another errand or two and when I got home I deemed it Too Hot to fix food, so I called up the new-ish good local pizza place (just a few blocks from me) and ordered a pizza margherita to pick up

 But yeah, this week feels too long for it to only still be Wednesday.

More sock progress

 Got the heel flap done and turned, and the first repeat of the pattern on the foot (which begins the gusset)

 They please me. The yarn is a String Theory Colorworks yarn. I had to look up the colorway as I'd misplaced the ballband - the colorway is Diode and my order from it (still in cached e-mails) is that it was Continuum, which is merino and nylon, with a little cashmere. 

The pattern is from the "Collection of Columns" set of sock recipes by  Nancy Wheeler, this one is "little lace arrows" but there are a lot of nice ones in there, I might try one of the small cable ones in the future with another stripey yarn.

 

I will note I did an extra row on the heel (33 rather than 32) because I started on a purl row and wanted to end ready to start a right side row, to make the turn a little simpler. As a result, I needed to pick up 18 stitches on each side of the heel flap (These notes are mostly for me, so I remember when I make the second sock)

***

Things are slowly getting back to normal; most of the classroom computers are okay, they fixed the airconditioning in the one lecture room I'm in (it was out on Monday). The air conditioning in the labs won't be back for quite a while but we're trying to cope. I don't love it; the heat index outside today was 115 for a while, which gets dangerous for a lot of people.  

(not) edited to add

 Well, at least I can use my office computer

 

 That "Clean" sticker indicates the new security software is on it and I'm allowed to use it. (Still will do the full shut down at the end of every day, given that that's what saved me). 

 

also I finally got back into bluesky on laptop, after clearing the entire cache (losing every password and saved website I had) and resetting the password and now I learn it was PROBABLY a ddos attack and NOT something funky in my laptop preventing my log in. Grr.

 

Annnnnnd the new security software here is flagging another bit of security software - the "silently summon campus police if you're under mortal threat" software as if it were malware. So, "not great, Bob!" (We have to do a monthly test, I missed the august one for all the shutdown, that's why the flag popped up. Hopefully we never have a real reason to use it, or at least, it's fixed before we do. For more minor/non mortal issues you use a phone and call -  like if I had a student go into anaphylaxis in class I'd get someone to call 911, I would not do the "summon the cops" because they'd come in expecting an active shooter, and that's not good)

Sunday scaries: 11

 As in, "it goes to 11"

I have no idea if I'll have classroom computers tomorrow or if I even am "permitted" to turn on my uninfected office computer. I was told "we're going to install new security software this weekend on it" and I was told NOT to turn it on until it was. But I haven't received an e-mail and while I know they're busy, I feel like that might be a tiny courtesy extended to us. I usually go in at 7 to prep for class but.....no one will be in but me, I teach one of the very few 8 am classes on campus so if I don't get an e-mail (on my phone) or have a sticker on my office computer.....well, I guess I can't use it. 

 It's very frustrating. I'm ALREADY an anxious person, I feel more unready for the start of this semester than I have since.....well. maybe my first semester here, back in 1999. (I was apprehensive in 2020 but that was for different reasons).

Anyway, I don't anticipate being able to do my early-morning first-day post of Brahms' Academic Overture (a tradition I have), so I'm doing it tonight:

 This year's version is The Cleveland Orchestra from Severance Hall, which was the closest world-class orchestra to where I grew up (I got to go see them there once or twice, and more often when I was very small, my parents took me to Blossom in the summers - that was closer because it was (as I remember) nearer to Cuyahoga Falls, which was a lot easier to get to from where we lived than Cleveland)

 Edited to add: OKAY FINE YOU TUBE KEEP YOUR SECRETS I'LL FIND ANOTHER VIDEO OF IT YOU WON"T REQUIRE PEOPLE TO SURF TO YOUR SITE FOR. GEEZ.

 

 

But honestly, given everything - the broken AC in much of the building, the computers being trashed - I feel like I should see if there is a "kazoo version" of it, like that version of the Jurassic Park theme:

I hope it's not as bad as I fear but I've already warned people I might not make it through the week without crying. It seems like kind of a LOT for some of the rooms to have temperatures in the mid to upper 80s F AND ALSO no computers that are usable. 
 

 

Anyway, everything feels broken (I also can't access Bluesky on my laptop, I keep getting "rate limited exceeded" and I don't know if I screwed something up, like changing my password and then the computer reverted to the old when I cleared the cache after I couldn't get in earlier, or if it's just still messed up on their end) and broken things, broken EVERYTHING (which is what it feels like right now) upsets me.  

Life maintenance day

I AM picking away at the various socks, as well as doing more yarn sorting (I have some things to donate, and maybe a few of the more specialized things I'll offer up in return for postage on Ravelry, I don't know. The worsted-weight will go to any afghan-making group locally that I can find).

I also found the yarn I bought for Greenstone so I guess I have to say I have two more fingering weight sweaters in me (and also I really want to start that one, even though I'll have to mail order the buttons to attach the longer part of the sleeves) 

I did the accumulated laundry and shortly will change the bed sheets because I may be spending part of tomorrow in bed depending on how I feel.

Early this morning (8:15) was my annual mammogram, which mostly went fine (more later on that) and then later today, after a grocery run, I got my RSV vaccine, given that my doctor pretty heavily encouraged it ("I've already treated three adults for it this summer" she told me, and given that I have asthma, I really want to avoid anything respiratory that I can. And also: when you live alone, being sick is AWFUL because you can't send anyone out to the pharmacy for acetominaphen if you run out, or send someone to the grocery for food if you don't want to eat any of the things you have)

So, I might feel lousy tomorrow. Then again, I might not - most flu vaccines don't give me more than a sore arm. But that second shingles shot....last year, I think it was? I just had to go back to bed the day after it. 

But yeah, I can tell something not-good is going on in my head. Part of it is the relentless heat (it isn't even getting below 80 F at night right now) and I did warn my department chair that the heat was making me irritable (Bless him, he didn't say "oh, I noticed" or anything similar) 

But also, all the being jerked back and forth with the computer stuff, and also NOT KNOWING if I will come in Monday to working computers or if for my Environmental Policy class I'll have to wave my hands and write on the chalkboard (turns out that room does NOT have a USB port on the smartboard - the smartboards are uninfected and they told us if we had a USB stick we knew was clean we could use that in the ones that could read them - hence my buying a brand new one yesterday)

But also, after verifying with my chair and with the VPAA that my computer was OK and I could use it, then I got an e-mail from the IT head honcho - late in the day as it turned out - telling me "no you should NOT have used your computer, and don't use it again until we've installed more security software*" and it just GOT to me. I felt like I was being yelled at (I wasn't really) for doing something I didn't know not to do and I felt very much again like in grade school when sometimes a teacher was unfair and didn't listen to anyone's explanation of the situation.

And it did just plunge me into a bit of despair for the evening. 

(*and I suspect that may limit me being able to get to some online sites, probably. Maybe everything that's not strictly work related? Maybe not even Ravelry?) 

I don't deal well at ALL with uncertainty, and I also have the strong streak of "It has to be perfect, in order to make up for it being ME"

Also, I hadn't seen it before, but a long time Bluesky mutual (granted, not someone I'd interacted with much, which was why I didn't realize it) sent me a cryptic rude DM and basically said "enjoy your block, b*tch" and I swear I scrolled back to the day he blocked me to see what I could have said that triggered it. And I don't know unless it was a pro-vaccine post I made, or an  anti-AI thing I said. But I really don't understand people. Yes, I did block a former mutual myself, it was over someone basically saying he hoped Biden died in agony from his cancer, and I wrote back and said it offended me that he said that because my dad had had the same cancer, and anyway.....that's just offensive. And he doubled down and I jsut blocked him. Didn't send a DM, just figured I'd said my piece and we were done)

 

But yeah, I don't understand being rude with no explanation. I blocked him back. (Later another mutual told me they also caught a block, so I don't know)

Anyway, my mind wasn't in a good place, and this morning when I was in getting mammogrammed, as always, the woman has to kind of direct you where to stand and turn your body and where to put your hand, and for the first one she had to reposition my anatomy to get it right and I ALMOST said "I'm sorry I'm not any good at this" but really it wasn't that, it's just super awkward and while I normally tolerate it with a sort of laugh at how weird and awkward it is, today it got to me. 

Anyway. I hope Monday goes better than I expect. And I hope people exhibit a little grace to the faculty; I can't guarantee I won't cry if people DON'T. This whole thing has been A LOT on top of broken AC in half the building, on top of it being hot, on top of (gestures at everything in the world). 

And I need to get up: I have 20 more minutes of piano practice to do (I'm not getting much better, but on a good day it does make me happy, so I guess I do it even if I'm never very good), and my bed to make, and I need to wash my hair.  

And it's Thursday

**ETA: late this afternoon I got an e-mail (saw it on my phone) telling me I absolutely should NOT have used my computer, and should not use it again before they install more security software. They say I didn't "damage" anything by logging in but it's something very upsetting to my particular brainwiring to be told "oh that information you acted on? you actually did the wrong thing" because even though I had NO way of knowing, it makes me feel like I'm a bad person and makes me feel guilty.

Monday is not going to be happy or fun and I am bracing for lots of upset students, some of whom will direct their anger at me because I'm the closest target. 

 

Yesterday was a solid six hours of meetings (and very little said about the Thing most faculty were most worried about). 

As it turns out : my work computer IS okay, I booted up and logged in yesterday afternoon. I don't have the blue "infected" marker on it, but neither do I have the white "clean" marker, so I was apprehensive, but my chair said "if it's infected, you'll know - as soon as you log in it'll give you a screen demanding [something I will redact here because it's an ongoing case]"

I didn't get that. Only faculty in the department and it may be my sheer anility as an "old" computer user that saved me; I do a full shutdown  (like: click the "shut down" choice, not "sleep") at the end of each workday, and I did that Wednesday before the breach and didn't try to log on Thursday until AFTER we'd been separated from the Internet. 

But - most of the classroom computers are "bad." The smartboards are mostly okay, it sounds like, and we can operate from a flashdrive plugged directly into the board and bypass the computer. 

I decided to be EXTRA cautious and buy a relatively cheap flashdrive that I will regard as disposable and MAYBE won't plug into my office or home computer after the first few days' use, and just download what I need onto it before I ever use it in a smartboard.

So I ran out again to Mart of Wal. It kind of sucks to have to go there, and also have to go to a gigantic store for one simple specialty thing (also, it's all the way across town from me), but my local downtown and environs are so hollowed out now that there really isn't anywhere else to buy one (There's a computer REPAIR place, but they're as far as walmart, they don't open until 11, and I have no guarantee they actually sell things like flashdrives.)

But oh well

 If I had more energy I'd rotate that. I didn't want to carry it on my keyring (too much stuff already) and I found this lanyard that was a reward from a long-ago Patreon. Except the clip is too big for the little opening, so I had to scrounge a safety pin to connect the two.

 STORY OF MY LIFE. everything is a kludge, everything is suboptimal, everything is held together with baling wire and duct tape and it does bother me on a deep level. But that's how life is now and I feel lucky I could even GET the drive.

I think this morning is going to be downloading everything I can think of needing for the first month onto it, seeing as I might not want to remount it into my computer(s)  in case there's infection somewhere.

 Yes, this reminds me of freaking 2020 though this time I'm not the one who might die but my computers are.

So yeah, I'm just pretty worn out right now; this has been a hard week so far. It's also INCREDIBLY hot and the custodian warned me that two of the lab rooms (where the AC is broken) are at 94 degrees F. Fortunately I don't teach there; I'm not sure what the classes scheduled for there will do.

It feels like literally everything is broken and nothing is good, and it's making me despair a little, I keep looking for concrete good news but all I can find are things like that human interest story about the little elephant in a zoo whose mom rejected her so keepers tried to raise her until she got a little older, and then finally got accepted by "aunties" (older female elephants, maybe her mother's sisters but not necessarily). But I really feel like I need something good that directly touches MY life, but maybe that's too much to ask for.... 

some better cheer

 * I finished priming and painting 300-some steel washers for a mark-and-recapture lab that I'm trying to develop. Spray painting isn't fun if you have a particular kind of arthritis starting in your hands. I did it on one of our outbuildings where the fumes wouldn't bother anyone (and I could open a big door so I wouldn't get sick from them) and I put down cardboard on the floor even though my department chair (the main user of that space) said he didn't care if some paint got on the concrete floor. So that's done

 * I also got through a few more samples; I'm almost a quarter done with counting these now. I can do more Thursday and maybe a couple Friday.

I did find out my local pharmacy does give RSV shots and the guy I asked said to just come in and they could do it, so I think after my mammogram Friday I will (I didn't want to do it today; I have meetings all day tomorrow and if I wind up with chills or exhaustion or a feel ill that would be bad and I also vaguely remember being counseled NOT to get a vaccine immediately before something like a mammogram because if you have any inflammation that could read as a false positive. Or I could be wrong, but Friday will be fine for the vaccine, and if I feel fatigued or ill I can just stay home Saturday (it's going to be hot anyway, so I won't want to go out)

* I ALSO found out - went and checked my classrooms. One of them does have a whiteboard. Not a large one, but I could use it. The other room has a chalkboard that's only partly covered up by the (mounted too high for my liking) smartboard. So if things aren't back, I can move my stats class into that room (it's an 8 am class and I'm the only one teaching at that time) and I can use the chalkboard. I went out to walmart today and bought a new case of sidewalk chalk. Unfortunately it's some off brand rather than my preferred Crayola but it was all they had (and, sigh: I used to get my sidewalk chalk at JoAnn's. I suppose Michael's might have Crayola brand, but I'm not driving into Texas at the moment because there's some gruesome road construction between here and there; it's supposed to be done next month so I'm just avoiding going that direction for now)

*BUT ALSO: midafternoon an e-mail from my chair; he finally got more information on the departmental computers. About 60% of them are apparently infested, and only one faculty machine was deemed clean.

 Guess whose?

Yeah, YA GIRL HERE has the only uninfected machine of all the faculty. I suspect it's because I do the full shut down/turn off rather than having it go "sleep mode" or just leaving it on overnight. Someone told me "oh that's unnecessary" or "you're being a little compulsive" but I don't feel so foolish now. 

I still haven't tried turning it on, I decided to leave it turned off another day just in case there's a "whoops, nope" that comes in. And anyway, I could do my sample sorting without the computer, I just listened to Pandora on my phone (which uses wifi and since they cleaned that up and turned it back on, and my phone's an Apple anyway, and Apple products were unaffected, I figured I was safe)

Tomorrow is mass-meetings and I'll be interested to hear what, if anything, is said, about the situation. It's been a mess and a lot of the faculty are livid at how we've been largely kept in the dark (e.g., we had to find out details about it *from the local news* because we were not told anything)

*Still picking away at the blanket and telling myself I *must* finish something before starting another sweater but I do think the next one is going to be waffle cardigan pattern made of that yarn I was talking about

Which is actually Araucania brand, I had forgotten its name. It still exists but it's less common than it once was, and  it looks like they mainly do sockweight now. 

But look at this bulky weight, isn't it pretty? I think I can get the right gauge for the jacket, and anyway, it's pretty boxy so it's not like it has to form fit

 I'm going to alternate skeins to break up the potential for pooling, and also because often these South American yarns aren't as ... true to dyelot as plainer yarns are.

* I've been using Aldi more and more. I joked on Bluesky "they're like the poor man's Trader Joe's" and someone pointed out they're owned by the same company, but they have some of those odd snack items that bring me a little joy. (I really like the white cheddar corn puffs from their organics line). I also got mochi candies there (matcha flavored) last time, and then this treat:

 It's a rose cone! It's a chocolate sugar cone (lined with chocolate) with vanilla icecream with strawberry syrup in it, and on the top there is strawberry ice cream that's been applied in a rose shape. They taste good, and there's just something nice about something a little fancy like this - the kind of little treat I said I needed from time to time in order to keep going. Anyway, I'm glad we have Aldi now.