first of two

 I finished the first of my mom's socks on Wednesday. I've begun the second but it's going to be iffy if I get it done before I leave or if I have to try to secretly finish it up there

the color is "Kingfisher" from West Yorkshire Spinners.

***

My grades are in. Some of the students are unhappy; I had to field e-mails all day. I tell them and tell them, in the intro class, that the time to come in is after the second exam where one's grade is low. But no one believes me, or perhaps they think "I can still bring my grade up," and then the final hits and they earn a D and it's a big problem. 

I've been polite but I especially dislike the ones that add on trying to tell me how to do my job. 

Tomorrow is graduation. Again I feel kind of flattened. I'm going to go (unless it's absolutely pouring, I still can't walk fast and I don't want to get drenched).  

I still have to write three syllabi for next semester and check to be sure that everything I need is out of the lab.

An era's end

 Well, sort of.

This afternoon I carried the last bits of "my" equipment out of the teaching lab. Some of it went into the temporary homes (one, an empty office where my ecology field gear is stored; another, the soils stuff moved either to my research lab, where I will attempt to teach the class (and overflow in another disused research lab). The rest went to a storage building down the hill from us. So I moved the bulk density sampler and the light-banks and some other things I rarely use down there, and transported a big bag of Perlite for a colleague who wants to use it in the future, but not this coming semester.

I'm surprised how sad I feel to see the empty lab - everything down off the walls (all the posters of plant anatomy and prairie types and the bulletin board. And all the equipment gone.

I mean, it's for a good reason - the renovations, which we've been told will start sooner if we have everything out before January (which feels to me like a polite fiction we're being told; construction never starts on time, no matter what). But next semester isn't going to be fun - we're going to be scattered around campus and I probably won't SEE any of my colleagues. it will be almost like 2020 again, except we will see students in person. 

I'm sure part of it is that I'm extremely tired; these last few weeks have been a lot, between all the grading (I was literally involved from 8 am to 6 pm yesterday with giving or grading exams, then had a meeting at church that went until 8 pm), and the minister leaving (and me finding out SURPRISE I am on the search committee! On top of being on two job search committees at work!). And i think the periodic flare-ups of knee pain (transporting a loaded cart down a steepish incline is not good for it) isn't helping; I had to apologize to a colleague yesterday after I snapped at him on Tuesday for something that wasn't his fault, but I was having a bad pain day.

I don't know. I hope this is all worth it. I hope the renovations are on time and are done by May as they've said. I hope things look a lot nicer and newer after them. 

I need to get home and do at least a short workout, and tomorrow I have three (3!) job-candidate interviews (for a university position. We have one packet for a possible ministerial candidate, but we're not ready to start that just yet). Saturday is graduation. 

At least my Monday and Tuesday may be a bit freed up. I have not had time to get to the little gourmet shop to look for a FEW Christmas cards (I am not sending out many this year, just don't have the energy or time) and some stocking stuffer gifts for my mom. Failing that I could probably take the car one day I'm up there and go to the walgreen's near her and find things. 

But yeah, just lots of weird and complicated and sad/nostalgic feelings, especially now as the bottom of the year approaches.

New little thing

 Strawberry Shortcake was a toy/greeting card line that came out in the very early 80s.

I was (or so I thought) too old for them (I was like 12) but I thought the dolls were cute. I did buy one of the OG Strawberry Shortcakes but I don't think I bought any other ones new.. (Maybe my Angel Cake was bought new, on clearance, some years later, once I was collecting dolls?)

Anyway, as I said: that was one of the things that, had it been around when I was a real kid, I would have wanted every doll in the line. In the 70s, when I was a kid, there were few "little girl" dolls - there was Barbie, who was kind of boring to me because I didn't care that much about clothes as a kid, and also it was the Malibu Barbie era where it was mostly "swimsuit" dolls, which doesn't work for a landlocked girl in snow country. And there were baby dolls, but having my own little brother, I knew babies were loud and messy and tended to require a great deal of attention, and so they didn't interest me.

But dolls representing girls my own age, or "fantasy" dolls, might have appealed. And Strawberry Shortcake was kind of both.

Over the years, they've tried "rebooting" her - the originals were very cutesy, sort of Raggedy Ann style, with little-girl dresses more like what a little girl in the 1920s or 30s would have worn. In the reboots, they were made more modern and some of the "fantasy" aspect (including "fighting bad guys") was downplayed - there was a version roughly contemporaneous with the G4 My Little Ponies cartoon where the main conflicts were the sort of minor interpersonal conflicts (like: misunderstanding what someone said, or feeling miffed at being "not invited" to a party where your invitation got lost in the mail) were the "enemies" to be fought. It was a blandish cartoon, and I guess the doll line didn't do that great. And I guess there was another reboot or two, one that made them more tweenish than little-kid. 

But I guess Gen-X nostalgia dollars are strong, and so periodically some company makes reproductions of the originals (most recently, "The Loyal Subjects," which I can tell whether or not it's a successor company to Basic Fun,, which did an earlier line of these - the originals were by Kenner, which is long-gone).

I have the main dolls - Strawberry, and Huckleberry Pie, and Orange Blossom (a Black doll, but she only really differs in skin tone; they all have the same mold). 

Then I heard they were coming out with Plum Pudding, who is an interesting character - in the original version, the character was a boy (and I JUST remember that from the old, old cartoon in the 80s) and then later resurfaced as a girl. 

(No, this being the 80s, it was not an attempt to sneak in a transgender character, though I suppose for good or ill some people who know that fact might "headcanon" it - for good, people saying "good for her!" and the like, for ill, some complaining about "indoctrination" or somesuch. Really it was just an unsuccessful character done away with and a new one created under the same name)

Anyway, the doll also wears glasses, which I like, as a glasses-wearer. So I ordered one:

Unlike the old ones, these are more poseable, with elbow and knee and wrist and I think ankle joints. But. The elbow joints pop-out easily (I had to push one lower arm back in) so I don't think I'll be moving her limbs that much. She comes with a little friend - Elderberry Owl (I had to look it up) and a comb, and a lunchbox and composition book (the old ones didn't have the lunchbox or book)

I really need to get a shelf and put it up for some of these small dolls I have scattered around, so I can keep them together and see them more regularly than having them boxed up or tucked away somewhere.

what I want

 This is the eternal Christmas problem.

My mom asked me what I wanted. What do I want for Christmas? I don't know. It's not a case of being struck dumb in front of Santa like Ralphie Parker was and spluttering out "a....football?" (when he really wanted a Red Ryder BB gun with a compass in the stock and a thing that tells time). 

It's that the things I *really* want right now? You can't buy them in any store.

I would like more of a feeling of peace in the world. Yes, the Assadists are out (and good riddance to a dictatorship that's lasted almost as long as I've been alive, and I got to see statues of a Baathist dictator pulled down for the second time in my adult life) but what comes after him may not be any better. And Ukraine is still under serious threat, and Putin may feel empowered to grab more land. And there are other small-brushfire (at least in how they're reported; they're big conflicts to those living in the middle of them) conflicts around the world. And little peace in my own country between political factions, and a promise of an ugly tit-for-tat in politics in the near future.

I would like to feel more strongly the love of people who do love me. I get that this is very much a "me problem," but I do find more and more, I need to be - as in the good old phrase that I first saw on Tumblr - "loved more loudly" because if i get in a low mood (or even if I haven't eaten nutritious food in too many hours), it's hard for me to believe in love as a possibility. 

And selfishly, yes: I would like some kind of "more exclusive" love, where I'm not a friend-on-the-fringes for someone who has a big family who *understandably* gets priority over me. I would either like to be someone's "main" friend, or, while I'm wishing, his "main squeeze." 

And since I'm rolling through the Advent theme - yes, I need more hope in my life. I need to be able to look at the future and say "good things are coming" and not, as I often feel, "You've already experienced all the good you've been allotted in your lifetime; the future looks gray at best." Even LITTLE things, like us maybe getting some more fun LOCAL places to go and to be without having to drive an hour or more. I FEEL the smallness of my town these days.

And a larger hope for the future - that what are presumably the last years (I can retire in 2029) of my career will be more successful (in terms of research and feeling like I am a good teacher) than the past couple years have been. And that I can find some kind of interesting employment - either paid or volunteer - in my retirement, so I have a reason to get out of bed. (But grinding endlessly at four classes per semester, even if the money is good? That's a younger person's game). 

And a larger hope in the sense that some how we wake up as a society and start striving to be kinder and more considerate of those around us, and make efforts to help those who need - I see homeless people every day now; we don't have a proper facility in town to help them, there seems to be little funding and no will. If I wanted to help, I don't even know where I could show up to volunteer or send money; there was a shelter in the planning stages before the pandemic but that's evaporated. And I'm just one person without training - the best I could do was give money to a trustworthy group with people who DO know, or to do things like help serve up dinners. I can't do career or substance-abuse counseling, I can't figure out how to find housing for people. 

And then, finally: joy. That's probably the first of the four I struggled with; as I've said before I am not a naturally joyful person - too serious, too inclined to take things personally/to see things as evidence of a failing in me. I suspect also not being part of a big regular group affects this; I see friends online who have gaming groups or similar* seem to have the joy of getting together to play DnD or other games. I'm not really good at "playing" any more, and I think I let being very busy at work steal my volition to even do simple things. 

***

And yes, I know: like everything, I probably need to ratchet down my expectations. I mean, I would be happy to receive a nice skein of sockyarn. Or a box of some kind of good loose tea. Or maybe another pair of Birkenstocks in one of the couple of styles that work best for my feet. 

But I think one of the curses, if you can call it that, of adulthood where you make enough money to cover your basic needs and some of your wants is that.....there's not really anything tangible you could get as a gift that would give you that over the moon joy of getting a dollhouse when you're eight, or a really detailed train set when you're 10 or 12, or whatever toy you wanted most as a child. I see ads showing adults getting excited over jewelry or cars, but that's not me. 

(Maybe I WOULD get excited over *reliable* logistic assistance in arranging for some further renovations, and things like replacing some of the old lamps I have with better ones. But that's less buying the things than a combination of having a good reliable source for high-quality things that won't break in six months and having someone to help me make the arrangements to, for example, finally get a new dishwasher).

The Christmas party

 Tonight was the AAUW Christmas party. Small group this year; a couple people were out of town for different things and I think a couple people don't go out after dark (driving) any more. For me, it's easy enough; we hold it at my church which is just blocks from me.

I made the raspberry sweet-and-sour turkey meatballs again. I do those every year but they're good, everyone likes them, and they're not difficult to make. And that way even if everyone else brings cookies there's at least one nutritious food. 

This year, though, there was lots of good stuff - cheese, and sausage balls, and dips for crackers, and fruit, and deviled eggs. 

We also do a gift exchange; that's what I made the mitts I posted a picture of yesterday for. The person who got them is someone who will appreciate them and who is a particular friend of mine in the group - a retired Presbyterian minister who is a very interesting person.

I got skunked a little bit on the gifts, though - at first I got a bath set of eucalyptus and spearmint things - body wash, and lotion and foot soak and I was fairly excited for that. But we play "dirty Santa," so things can get stolen.

And mine did. I can't begrudge the woman who did it too much; she is dealing with long COVID and has lost most of her sense of smell and taste and when she smelled the "scratch and sniff to get an idea of the scent" patch on the box, she said "I CAN SMELL THIS" (her sense of smell is slowly returning), so I guess if she's happy, I'm happy.

The second gift I chose though, womp womp - fancy paper plates for entertaining, and napkins, and some round placemat sort of things. I don't entertain, and I don't like using paper plates. I left them in the car to not have to carry them back in the house; I am considering calling the church secretary and see if the women's group could use them as a donation for our Monday night dinner party. Or I'll just leave them in the supply closet there and they might get used eventually.

I'm telling myself not to be disappointed but am failing a tiny bit at it. It was my choice to take a pig in a poke (and open a new gift) rather than steal someone else's - there was a nice candle, but the person who got it (our newest member and a graduate student) was SO excited to get it, and there was a fancy pillow with nutcrackers embroidered on it but I'd only use that one month out of the year and then have to store it, so...the other gifts were not things I'd really want. 

I might just tell myself if I can get out tomorrow afternoon after my meeting to go to the little gourmet shop to look for stocking stuffer things for my mom, if I see something nice I want, I'll get it. (I don't know IF I will be able to get out anywhere else - almost every day of next week is taken up because we have to have zoom meetings like EVERY day next week, and I will have four exams to grade, and all the stuff to move that I need for labs next semester and I am VERY tired. (And this Saturday is zoom knitting, and I want to try to finish my mom's socks, and next Saturday is graduation, and in among all that I will probably have to write a sermon and do some planning for Jan.12 when I get back and....)

So yeah. I do feel a little sad and a little cheated though mainly right now about how busy my life is and how thankless so many of my tasks are and realizing this is just being an adult? No fun, no nice surprises, gifts that you have to say 'thank you' for even if it's not something you want, and doing lots of work you never really hear any thanks for. 

that said? there's not really anything specific I could point to that I want; my mom asked me for gift ideas for Christmas and I kind of flailed. Which I know means to be prepared for nothing that really excites me, but again: I guess this is actually adulthood. I mean, I can think of books I might want and I always like stuffed animals even though I have too many and I like yarn and fun sweatshirts and nice tea but....oh well. 

And no, there really is nowhere else in town I could go to look for some nice small replacement gift for myself unless there's something at the gourmet shop. We are so very small. (If I had time, I'd totally go to Denison, but I expect I won't have time.)

So merry melancholy Christmas, a little bit. I'm hoping I'll feel happier after I get up to my mom's and get a couple nights better sleep in me...

and some relief

  - the meeting was tonight. The reason was as I expected "health of my wife" and I am taking it at face value. So it's a sad reason but not a terrible one (not, like "there's some scandal" or "you people are so fractious you are driving us away"). No talk of us folding, yet. A couple tasks the minister done are on their way to be covering. I will fill the pulpit some, it sounds like, but they're going to look for an interim and lean on some retired ministers that people know. 

Anyway, doing a sermon for the second week of January is a thought for next week; this week there was a lot of grading and I'm tired.

- I did get most of the grading done. I have some short papers from my most-advanced class to do tomorrow before I give an exam in my beginner class. 

- Tomorrow is also the AAUW party; I rushed home as soon as the ecology presentations got done today to wash my hair (it needed it, and I'll be out all evening tomorrow) and made the meatballs I usually make, and while they cooked (before putting them in the sauce in the slow-cooker pot, to be cooked the rest of the way tomorrow after a rest in the fridge) I sewed up the side seams on the gift mitts:

I also made a quick Walgreen's run and got a gift bag and tissue, so that's ready to go. I also have a "Toob" of "zoo babies" (little plastic animals) for the "bring a toy $10 or under for Toys for Tots." Well, the toob was a little more than that but I had a coupon at Michael's so I am counting it as being under $10.

I feel considerably better having those things ready to go. I just had too many forks stuck in me today with worrying about the meeting and thinking about "how will I get things ready for Thursday evening with a 2 pm Thursday meeting?" but I managed to do it. 

- And yes, I do feel better that the outcome of the meeting wasn't "time for us to dissolve" but "okay we can figure out a way forward for now"

- I also ordered my brother and sister-in-law's Christmas present - an "antipasto kit" and spaghetti dinner gift basket and some pizza seasonings from Stonewall Kitchen. (Their website is a little hard to use, at least, it was VERY laggy, but they're a place whose products I trust and I didn't want to order from some unknown to me site where either the stuff isn't good, or where it actually never comes)

For my mom, I'm going to order those pouches of shelf-stable salmon she likes from Seabear and maybe also some jam or something similar from somewhere. And I am working on her socks. 

But at least now it kind of feels like I'll make it. And two weeks from now, I'll be on a northbound train for a couple weeks off....

Tuesday evening things

 This is going to be a hellish week. It's already been stressful:

- minister handing in his resignation, effective apparently Jan. 1

- as a result, a meeting tomorrow evening to work through what we need to do. I hope this doesn't mean closing down but it might. I think if that's the case I'll try the Presbyterian church here first to see if I fit in, and if that doesn't work, the Methodists, and then the Episcopalians, and if none of those work, well, I don't know. Most of the other churches seem more fundamentalist than what I could be comfortable at.

I really hope it doesn't come to it

- huge pile of grading today, one paper has a distinct whiff of AI generation, and when I checked the resources I couldn't find evidence of the existence of two of them. But there's no way to PROVE it, not like the old "copy and paste from a website" thing, so I just relied on the fact that the student did not fulfill the guidelines of the assignment, and didn't actually DO the research project (it was just a review paper) and as a result, it earned a 50%. 

I got an aggrieved e-mail later in the day asking how I could possibly have graded it so low but I pointed out the failings in it and reminded them I had a guideline for the project up, and they skipped about half the things on the sheet. 

I don't know if it'll go farther than that; a colleague DID accuse a student of using Chat GPT (with some fairly good evidence) last year and they grieved the grade and reported her to administration and it was a nightmare. 

I HATE ChatGPT and other AIs when they're used for things like this, we have minimal defenses against it and in fact some faculty have capitulated and told students it's okay to use it.

But it's NOT writing! It's letting a computer regurgitate stuff, and the regurgitate is unpleasant to read and contains very little information relative to the wordiness. 

I hope there are some safeguards soon or this kind of word salad may just be my last few years of teaching (until I retire early in disgust)

- Spent some time this afternoon moving some of my soils lab stuff but there's so much more to be done, and I have to ask Physical plant to remove some old broken sliding doors off the too-tall cabinets in the room where I'll have to teach the lab when the rest of the building is inaccessible and I feel like we aren't being given enough help in this. Some of my colleagues have dragooned the TAs into doing it but I didn't have a TA this fall (don't need it for ecology) and so I'm doing it all by myself, fitting it in around when I'm doing my other things.

 it was 5:30 when I got home today

- Thursday a meeting to start planning to hire a replacement for the retiring microbiologist, and Thursday night is AAUW (and I have to find time to do the little bit of sewing on the mitts, and also make the meatballs I bought all the stuff for this weekend before everything blew up)

- Friday a Zoom with a job candidate for the other open position. 

So I'm going to be really exhausted the end of this week. And I was already kind of peopled out after Thanksgiving. And of course the resignation was a surprised to me so I'm still kind of reeling from that and apprehensive about the future. 

 

At least:

- I changed the sheets on my bed

- The new printer I ordered (the one I had had broken back in 2021 and while I don't print a lot, and had printed even personal things over at school (fewer than 10 pages a month), I decided IF I wind up filling in as a sort of interim, I may have to print the sermons I write, and I may need to do them on short notice if I decide to change something. So I spent some time setting it up but it went easily enough; no more fussing with having to type in the passkey for my router, the computer somehow sends that information to the printer automatically. 

This also means if I want a knitting pattern I don't have to read it off a screen; I really prefer reading them off a paper and then having the paper to carry with me. 

 - Also, I brought a little gift for Darwin (the new little departmental cat) back with me. I had bought a mixed bag of cat toys (we give Christmas gifts to my brother's pets) and I saved out one of those foil crinkle balls for him, figuring it was lightweight (he is still very small) and unlikely to break if someone treads on it. And because it has orange on it, like him

I think he appreciated it.

 

I do have to order my mom's Christmas presents (some salmon from SeaBear and I MIGHT find something somewhere else, like from King Arthur. And I have to find a place with good but not too expensive "Italian dinner boxes" (or similar) to send as a gift to my brother and sister-in-law. I suppose since I'm buying one gift for both I can go up to $100 as I usually spend about $50 a person. 

I wish I had more free time; the time leading up to Christmas is the best time and it feels like this year I'm too busy to enjoy it. 

a quick thing

 Today was a big grading day; I just got done after working most of the afternoon and into the evening (taking a break to eat dinner and to shower). 

Also got some bad news yesterday that I'm still digesting. No, it's nothing with my biological family, no, it's not a health concern of mine. But it's something unhappy and it means a big change and upheaval on very short notice and maybe me having to go out and try to find a new group of people....and I just don't have the energy for it right now. 

there's going to be a meeting tomorrow, I may know more then. I'm just tired though and tired of what is or what seems like bad news. 

I didn't get as much knitting done over Thanksgiving as I had hoped but I did manage to secretly work some on the socks for my mom:

I don't know why the colors look so different. I had a phone update last night and it seems like it lights differently in pictures now or something. The second photo is more true color. 

Anyway, hoping to find the happy at some point. This is the first week of Advent, "Hope," and right now it feels a little like hope is kind of thin on the ground. Or at least earthly hope? but it is difficult to keep showing up to work every day when it feels like a cold wind is blowing through your chest and you wonder what shock is coming next.

Back home again

 It got a lot busier once my brother and his family arrived.

And I'll note, it's hard being the only unmarried kid; you get talked over, your opinions matter much less, if you want a particular food item you better grab it FAST. 

Also the other relatives kept up the tradition of giving a musical instrument my niece didn't really know how to play; it was a kalimba this time, which is at least better than the recorder of a couple years ago, but between that, and my brother making the dog "talk" and everything else, it was a LOT. I don't deal well with noise and especially noise I don't control 

And the trip back was hectic. Apparently Amtrak put another sleeper and a couple more coaches on at the last moment, but no additional staff, so even two hours or so into the trip some of the staff were pretty cranky. I couldn't find my sleeper (it was on the rear) and got yelled at by the front sleeper person (Well, I have the added complication of not being able to RUN if I had to run to get to the rear sleeper). My car attendant WAS good, she offered to bring my dinner because I was supposed to get it earlier than if I waited on a reservation (again: two other full sleepers, and the Chicago people got priority at choosing times). So she took my order.

And I waited

and waited

and waited. 

When she came through an hour and twenty minutes later, I asked her, the response was "They're really busy, it should be in now"

Finally, at the two hour mark, I walked down there and politely asked. Got a slightly short response, but then wast told to wait, and finally someone slammed a to go bag down on the table next to where I was standing. So I got my dinner.

It wasn't great; the "flex meals" those of us on the neglected eastern leg of the Texas Eagle are getting progressively worse. I got what was alleged to be "butter chicken" but wasn't good, and also, eating it at like 7:30 pm is not great given the spices in it. 

(Breakfast similarly took a long time, though I went down to the diner for it. Was given "our ovens are malfunctioning" as an explanation. Maybe that should have been told to us up front, so we might have been able to choose the yogurt-and-muffin option instead?)

Anyway. At least I'm home, and trying to push through a little hangover grading I couldn't get to before break. 

There were some nice things; I got to see what was probably the St. Louis version of the "Polar Express experience" (a lit-up engine and a bunch of old diner cars; it's like a dinner trip for kids and their parents)

I don't know if that video will work, blogger is being a butt about it right now

And there was a nice view of the Arch from the train:

I didn't see a LOT of Christmas lights; maybe people are either putting them out later now, or else they're not doing them any more? 

Okay, blogger is maybe sticking the video here? I converted to an mp4 to see if that will work.

And some photos

 I’m here. We went out to the farm store today (new stock tank heater for the big tub of water that serves as insulation over the too-shallow portion of the drain pipe for the sump pump- this solution suggested by a plumber) and squirrel feed and a new large crockpot to cook the turkey breast 

 

And some new net lights. These are distressingly fragile; I don’t know if the wiring breaks or a fuse gets blown but often they only light up on half after being stored for a year. But we pieced together enough with the new ones and the ones that still worked and a couple single strands 

On the road

 Kind of a cluster getting on: they wouldn’t pull the train up for the rear sleeper car (where I am) so I had to walk through coach to get to my room and someone else had to haul my suitcase for me (no checked bags).

The “butter chicken” was okay, curry is curry, I guess.

There are a couple really loud kids in here, hopefully they go down for bed soon 

But at least I am on the way 

Almost break time

 I got home a bit earlier this afternoon. I'm now mostly packed, but I have to remember my medications and mouthguard and makeup and hairbrush and stuff like antiperspirant in the morning. I've got the pastel socks and a yarn for a new set of mitts in my carry on, and the ongoing scarf in my suitcase (because there was room).

I also started something new:

The veriest start on a pair of socks - these will be for my mother for Christmas (hopefully I finish them in time). The yarn is a West Yorkshire Spinners yarn in the colorway "Kingfisher" (they have a whole line named for various British birds, reflecting their colors).

Another little thing I did was a repair. A friend sent me a Bluey tree ornament but it had got knocked around a bit in transit (it's that "resin" material that is kind of brittle) and Bluey's ears broke, but fortunately Gorilla Glue worked for it

So yes, they're on the tree now

I do have another piece of recently-acquired Bluey merch:

This is one of those little printed fleece blankets. It's called a "travel blanket" (But I'm not taking it with; I had the Suumiko Gurashi one folded up and ready - it is sometimes chilly on the train). 

***

And yeah, I leave tomorrow. It's been hectic, so I have no "time embargoed" posts. I'll try to post a little from the road; maybe just photos. I hope when I get back I have a little time to relax.

Finished a thing

 Well, actually, finished several things:

 - graded all the "catch up" (late) grading

 - graded the exam I gave today

 - wrote the biostats final

But also, I finished the knitting on mitts for the AAUW exchange and put them out to block, both to stretch them a bit (so they will fit better when sewn up) and to show off the lace pattern. 

Here's a closer view of one

They get sewn up and a "keyhole" left in the seam for the thumb

I've begun thinking about travel projects. I want to cast on for the socks I am trying to make my mom for Christmas but will have to only work on those up in my room or at times when I'm apart from her. But I also have the pastel ombre socks (for me) to get back to, and I might wind off yarn for a pair of small cabled socks - I found a pale gray with a few pastel flecks, and a pattern called "boxelder" socks with small isolated cables. But also, I have the dream-in-color brand yarn (a dk weight) and a very simple mitt pattern that is like a knit-round (and plain stockinette, not lace) version of the gift mitts pictured above. 

That's probably enough projects; I tend to take too much. I might take along the book on seashells and if I don't finish "Cry, The Beloved Country," take that to read as well. And at least one mystery novel, and perhaps something else.

A few photos

 I think I mentioned buying some "vintage" (late 60s) tree ornaments from a couple Etsy sellers. They're Jewelbrite (or Jewel Brite) brand. Apparently made in the US, all plastic. (I have another one of those "plastic capsule with figure inside" ornaments, but it's a goofy little Santa and it has the feeling of one of those Made-in-Japan things where the Christmas traditions didn't quite translate:

The Jewelbrite ornaments, while plastic, are a bit more artistic and, dare I say, reverent? The main one I wanted featured the Holy Family:

I also got two of the three kings. I was hoping (I didn't remember because I ordered these at different times) to get all three of the kings. But I did get Caspar

And TWO Balthazars, but no Melchior. (If I remember correctly, the traditional names were Caspar for the one from sort of a "European like" area (white skin) and Balthazar was from Africa (dark skin) and Melchior was from an unspecified Asian area. And yes, I know - this is all syncretion and there's not really any textual support for it, but it's kind of nice, I think.

So I have my two Balthazars. Which might be appropriate as I have read that sub-Saharan Africa is one area where Christianity is actually gaining adherents.

I dunno. I just think the ornaments are neat. They're a little before my time and my parents didn't have any of them, but they are very much the style of ornaments that were common when I was a kid. 

There were apparently other designs: different shapes to the "capsules," and there were more "secular Christmas" symbols like Santa and reindeer in some I've seen. But these were affordable and they are nice. 

I also bought a little flocked angel at the one antique shop I went to on Saturday:

Again, we didn't have one exactly like this when I was a kid, but this is very much the style of ornaments we had, so I like it.

*****

I also finally got some photos of Darwin, the departmental kitten (several people share custody of him and one of them take him home every night, and he comes in to campus most days and hangs out in one of my colleague's offices, and people kind of use him as a therapy cat. He is tiny - he was an abandoned kitten and is probably somewhere between six and eight weeks old now. He is VERY sweet and likes to be held. A couple times when I've been holding him up against my chest he's gone to sleep, or once, I was holding him vertically (one hand under his backside, one on his back, his head looking up and me) and he went into a "loaf pose" (tucking his feet in) against my chest which was almost impossibly cute.

He has that sort of funny fuzzy kitten coat, with some longer hairs that stick out, you can see it here on his back

Leaving this here

 So I can find the link again, especially for after Thanksgiving when I'm (hopefully) less busy:

List of 2024 Christmas movies on OTA/cable television

 

the times are Eastern so I'll have to mentally subtract an hour. Home Alone II is on tonight and so I might just have that as background noise while I try to relax this evening. (Most of these movies I know well enough that I don't really actively watch them but they provide a distraction from the silence of my house)

 

And I find I'm back to disliking the Hallmark type ones. I swing wildly back and forth on these; some years I enjoy them even though I know they're nowhere on the same planet as reality. Other years, to quote Dorothy Parker about something very different, "Tonstant Weader fwowed up"

something I've realized

 Today was a busy day. I collected a take home exam (and managed to grade them all between classes and meetings), met with and heard the talks by a job candidate, taught two of my three classes scheduled (the third one, we already finished the material, so I told them to work on their final papers instead). 

And mid afternoon, just after 4, as I was finishing the grading, I thought, "I feel really sad. This isn't good"

(Especially considering I kind of agreed to go out to the group dinner tonight with the job candidate)

And then I realized: you felt this before. You felt this when you wrote the exam (which is a very mentally intensive task). Apparently now a new thing for me is when I use my brain too much in a day it makes me sad.

This is suboptimal.

I mean, there are a lot of sad-making things out in the world - the future is a bit alarming. And I still have a long list of things to try to get done this week. And I once again ran across this quotation from Anthony Bourdain and felt sad again that often the interesting and fundamentally kind people leave us early, and the unkind people are always with us:

“Have dinner tonight at a local restaurant. Order the cream sauce. Have a cold beer at 4pm in a nearly empty bar. Go somewhere you’ve never been before. Listen to someone who, at first glance, seems like you have nothing in common.

Try the rare steak. Savor an oyster. Order a negroni. Order two. Open yourself up to a world where you may not understand or agree with the person next to you — but toast them anyway.

Eat slowly. Tip your server well. Check in on your friends. Check in on yourself. And enjoy every second of it.”

And yes, it's unlikely I'd ever have a cold beer in a nearly empty bar - I dislike beer and feel unwelcome in bars. But I do eat at local restaurants (more often lunch than dinner). I try to understand the people around me. And I do tip my servers well, waiting tables is hard work.

But I do struggle to enjoy every second, and I think a lot of it is that I am just tired a lot. I don't know if I've lost some of my ability to "do" like I once had (age) or if I am just not sleeping enough or if the pandemic did break something in me that won't heal (and there are other bits of News of the World that remind me that meritocracy was a myth, and that I wasn't as "gifted" as I was told I was as a student, and that trying to be a fundamentally decent person probably won't get you far in this world and might even actively hurt you)

Maybe I'll feel better when I finish the gift mitts. Or when I get a little time to relax, I don't know.  Tomorrow is an easier teaching day (one class) but I need to look at one of my finals and fundamentally rewrite big chunks of it (didn't cover some of the material) and also prepare the review guides for the finals in the other classes. And I have to print out my tickets, I keep forgetting that, and check the list of things I need to take and think about packing. And start thinking about moving my supplies for labs somewhere before the construction begins. 

But at least now I know when I feel inexplicably sad after a long day, it is likely just being tired.

Heh - I remember when I was a kid once and I was sad and crying about something and someone asked me what was wrong, and I responded "oh, I'm just tired" which was an oddly adult thing for me to say at like six, but I did. (And now I wonder if I either heard one of my parents say it about me to someone else when I was crying over an actual slight, or if maybe my mom said it on one of the very rare instances when I saw her crying). But yeah. I'm just tired.

finished a thing

 This is the first (of two) of squares that will get sewn up into a simple pair of wristlets for the AAUW gift. I am about 1/3 of the way through the second one; really hoping to finish these this weekend.

 

 Tomorrow is my day out. I didn't get as much time to relax or clean as I planned today; I didn't get the grading I wanted to complete done as fast as I wanted to. 

What I need is a gift (If I can find the thing I want) for my niece, and a few nonperishables that I can't get in town. Oh, and a small toy for the AAUW meeting; we're asked to bring a toy costing $10 or less for Toys for Tots. (And I might buy a bigger one to donate myself; I've done that many years).

I also want to go antiquing and to the various craft stores. I bought a pattern off Etsy for something called a Wobblemop (a fantasy animal) that has very bright neon hair so I might consider getting some really obnoxiously bright acrylic yarn and some white or cream (that's what the originals are shown as,, and that's what appeals to me) and plan it as an over-break (over CHRISTMAS break) project. 

I do also want to start Bluey some time but these gloves - a gift - are more urgent

Missed a day

 Well, a couple.

If anyone IS still reading.....I know in the earlier days of blogs when someone missed a few days of posting, if they were a regular poster, sometimes people worried a bit.

I'm still here. Just busy and intermittently freaked out at the brave new world (with such people in it, oy) that we're experiencing. I guess I mislabeled my Tuesday post as Monday, and then Wednesday was a long and difficult board meeting (we all agreed on the couple things we had to vote on, it's just they weren't particularly happy things - dealing with the spiking cost of insuring the place, dealing with a couple people who are in one of the small apartments we rent who are an ongoing problem).

Last night I had a lot of grading and had to prep something for class tomorrow, so my "oh thank goodness I can take the evening off" didn't really happen. I had intended to write something but I wound up getting into bed around 10 and then thinking "crud" but not getting back up to do even a placeholder

But today, yeah - I can leave campus at noon and I have only a tiny bit of grading (short article discussions in one class) and my plan is to do a little cleaning here this afternoon. And then tomorrow - do what in-person Christmas shopping I need to do, and maybe go to at least one of the antique stores, and do some nicer grocery shopping (even if next week I leave for Illinois). 

I need some time off. It's been a LOT of grading this past week, and also a LOT of people to deal with. And three nights this week I was out at meetings. And Monday, we have an interview that I hope goes well, so we can fill an empty position.

Monday evening things

 * I need to maybe relax and knit a little. The news today is kind of scary and also there's a lot of unpleasantness - a case of "suspected road rage" near me where someone threw eggs at another person's car, making that person think they were being shot at. Expect more of this.

Also, coming home, someone was coming down Wilson way too fast and not looking, and I wound up running up on a low curb to avoid being sideswiped - it's a curvy street and people park on it so it is NOT WIDE ENOUGH in places

* Got an e-mail reminding of the impending closure of Quilt Asylum and I'm sad all over again. It'll be a hole in Downtown Denison. Though apparently restaurants are way more profitable/desirable because their downtown director talked about wanting to encourage MORE of them. I don't know. I will be very sad if there's nowhere other than big-box places in a few years but that may be where it's headed.

* And yeah, I am taking this weekend OFF. I'm exhausted. I want to go to Sherman/Denison while there are still places to go. 

For one thing: I realized I really MISS antiquing, I have done it FAR less than before 2020, and I don't think I did it at all this year with my injured knee. I'm probably good enough now to climb the stairs (carefully) in the shops that have them. And they usually have vintage tree ornaments out this time of the year, even if I don't see any I want to buy, it's still nice to see them. 

I might also go to the yarn shop; I'm still slightly spooked by all the Tariff talk, thinking that almost all yarn is produced overseas and at least it'll go up 10% in price and at most in some cases the price might double, and .... yeah, I won't be able to afford to shop for yarn any more.

I shouldn't buy more, but one thing I've learned is that in my dysfunctional relationship with myself, buying myself "presents" is how I do "self care" even though it makes little sense. (I have too much stuff already). I don't know how to break myself of it but I have to. (Well, ha ha, maybe rising prices will)

* And there's this article (Guardian link). Yeah, I feel that.. I can tell when I do a lot of "head work" these days (writing an intensive exam, grading, lots of meetings) I am much less resilient in the evening, and that's when worries about the world weigh heavier on me, or I cry, or I wonder what good can possibly come for me in the future. 

And yes, I also need to find some way to do an end-run around those feelings. Not doing all the work isn't an option and going to bed at 7 pm to get extra sleep feels like that means I lose any personal time I have. I don't have anyone near and dear I can unload on. So I am kind of stuck recognizing "this is a problem" but also "at this point there's no way to make it better"

* it's hard to "make the light" or "find hope." And it's really hard to do alone. And I'm tired, so tired.

looking for light

 One thing I did this weekend was decorate for Christmas. Yes, a week earlier than I sometimes do, but this week ahead is going to be tough (three evening meetings) and I want to leave Saturday open to do a little Christmas shopping.

I admit, I almost didn't do it. I got in A Mood, which I do pretty easily these days, and said "why even bother? everything is bad, there's no comfort or joy in the world, I don't have time, I'll just have to take it all down in January" but then I decided I'd feel sad if I didn't, and better I do it on Saturday afternoon/evening then stay up too late some weeknight. 

First thing I did was change out the lights over the door and over the main windows. This took going up on the step stool so I also changed the furnace filter (the holder is in the ceiling) and flipped the calendar over to November.

The ones that look like a continuous line of yellow are the white lights, against the other colors I guess they look yellow. 

I also put up the snowflake lights. I like these but MAN do they tangle because of the little arms on the snowflakes

they also have a blinking function but they all blink in unison and it's a little too "shop advertising" feeling so I am leaving them on continuous-on

I put up the tree, too. It's harder with a knee that intermittently hurts but I did it. I might not have put as many ornaments up high as I did in the past, up on the step stool at one point I thought "it would be about the stupidest way ever to get seriously injured by falling off a stepladder doing something that was literally unnecessary"

But that, I also got done, and got the old favorite ornaments on. 

I did have two that broke while being stored - the pink toyshop (that one hurt a little, I remember finding it in the "before times" at one of the antique shops. It wasn't valuable - it was probably from the 80s at the earliest - but I liked it and it still made me sad). I also lost one of the faux-Scandinavian style ones but I had another like it. But I hate how stuff breaks or wears out and even if you're careful bad things can happen.

This is the view from my recliner, where I spend a lot of time in my living room

And the front of the tree. You can see I have a lot of "figural" ornaments

And more ornaments:

In the past, I used to regularly buy a new (or new to me) ornament or two. I hadn't for a couple years (pandemic, plus just.....didn't get out as much to do the antique shop circuit). 

I ordered one this year from an artist who does them 

Bernard and Bianca! One of the first movies I remember seeing in the theater (and the first I remember really liking a lot) was the original Rescuers. So it's nice to have this - it's just flat, painted wood, but it's nice. 

I guess it makes me feel a little better having the tree up. I'm hoping when I can finally relax (Thursday) I'll be able to enjoy it more.

Looking for comfort

 Yeah, it was a hard week. Last night AAUW was a program on self-defense, and while the speaker was really good and it was important information, it still added to my anxiety, thinking about how I'd become a little lax (especially coming home after the sun's gone down) and I didn't sleep well last night. 

And next week's gonna be tough (the monthly round of church meetings). 

So I came home a BIT early today (didn't do my last research task; I might try to do that tomorrow morning) and did some cleaning. Usually that makes me feel better, having a clean house. I also did all the accumulated laundry and put it away. I finally cleaned my bedroom and moved some things out of it and put them away, to make room for the knitting stuff I had in the living room

Because I might put my Christmas tree up tomorrow. I guess a lot of people, after this year, are starting to decorate a little early. I did start playing Christmas music on the piano; I'm working on a Philip Keverin arrangement of "Christmastime is here" (I've long thought of that as a favorite piece. And I love it not DESPITE its slightly melancholy sound, but because of it - even though it starts out in F major, it SOUNDS like a minor key to me. Because really, isn't there that little shade of melancholy at Christmas - the knowing there are people you would like to be here but who are not, realizing as an adult you'll never have sense of wonder and unalloyed joy you had as a child)

I do already have one Christmas thing I got; Walgreens had Bluey-themed Advent calendars - those kind with a serious of doors that have a tiny piece of sort of indifferent chocolate in it (it's really more for the doing than the chocolate), though this one is from Canada so the chocolate may be better? I'll open it on the first even though I leave on the 18th; I'll just have to eat those last pieces of chocolate before I leave, or double up for the last week (or during exam week?)

But I did get my bedroom cleaned, and took the 'emergency' little window airconditioner that I installed when the whole-house one wasn't working earlier this summer out of the window and put it away. 

And then I moved some of the knitting stuff I had stacked up (partially finished projects, some yarn I plan to use "next") into the bedroom to get it out of the way of where the tree would go. So now I have a clear place for it when I want to put it up. I might set it up and get the lights on tomorrow and then gradually add the ornaments in the coming week. 

I've decided to get food gifts for everyone I buy gifts for. At my mom's age, she says she doesn't need more "things" and that makes sense but I know she likes the pouches of salmon from Seabear (they're shelf stable) and will order her some. My brother and sister in law may get some Italian-dinner makings if I can find a good place to order from. (My niece might get a sweatshirt with a horse or chickens - her two farming obsessions - if I can find a good one)

But yes, I need a little bit of turning inward for comfort, and thinking about the good things I remember from past Christmases.

Thursday afternoon things

 *Knit a bit more on the mitts, didn't get much done because I was tired after the field lab. I find I tire more easily now when I have to be running around a lot, even though walking on the knee actually makes it hurt less the next day. 

* I bought a couple of James Baldwin books after reading a bit about him. I read the first essay (Autobiographical Notes) in "Notes from a Native Son" last night but was so tired I may have to re-read it because I don't remember a lot of it as well as I'd like. (I am trying to read more - I kind of hate to use the word, but "diverse" books now, ones written by people from different backgrounds to me, and Baldwin seems like a good place to start. I did enjoy the essay, it's just, like so many things now, the facts don't seem to get traction in my brain. I'm sure if I looked at it again I'd remember more than the vague outline of him wanting to be a writer despite his dad wanting him to become a preacher)

* I'm just kind of demoralized about teaching now. After first that issue of the print shop, where I got "yelled at"* because I didn't realize that they didn't receive my exams and then they kind of messed them up when I asked them to redo them. And now the IT didn't reinstall a stats software package I asked them to reinstall over the summer, and which they told me earlier this week they had done, and I was embarrassed in front of my class yesterday when we went in to use it and it wasn't there. I've sent them two e-mails about it and maybe I just e-mail them daily until they fix it. It's interfering with my ability to teach at this point. And the student in another class who complained at me that my exams were to hard and who implied I was a bad teacher was caught twice dinking on their phone in class and I just give up. 

I'm having no work success despite putting in long hours and it's really bumming me out.

(*I tend to interpret things as being "yelled at" for things that might not rise to that level)

* Even though I scarcely knit any more, I've been ordering some "emotional support" yarn (to use the term a friend used on Bluesky). First, another order from Purl's in Asheville, a Hobbit-themed colorway called "Second Breakfast," probably for socks, and today, I found a yarn dyer in Powers, Michigan (which is barely 30 miles from where my grandmother lived) who does "Great Lakes Themed" colorways, so I have some Isle Royale Aurora (with sparkles in it) and Pictured Rocks (with nepps) colorways on their way to me. 

I do need to get back to just knitting, maybe stop trying to find things to watch on tv and just putting calming music on and knitting to try to unwind. I wish I were better at turning my brain off. 

* I don't have a photo but the little Mackenzie plush I finally found in stock somewhere came, so I have my "anxiety pupper" now - and yes, Mackenzie reads as anxious in a couple episodes of the show, the biggest one being where he's playing astronauts with two of his friends, and he wants to explore a black hole but he also asks them to "play like you've left me behind" and in the end, it turns out he's still reliving the time when as a tiny kid, he thought his mom left him behind at a play park (and at the end of the episode, in his imagining, Calypso the wise and kind teacher comes up to him and says gently, "You know what's here now. You don't need to keep coming back to this place." 

and.....and that caught me when I first saw it. Because maybe that is how you heal from that sort of thing (and yes, I have some of that sorts of thing in my life and memories) by recognizing it happened, but you don't have to go back to it.

One of the things I like about the show - and again, I think it's a very wise show, and very emotionally intelligent - is it shows the kids working through things that trouble them. There's also the episode where Bluey finds an injured budgie, and she and her dad take it to a vet, but the vet can't save it, and later, Bluey wants to act out the thing again, with Bingo playing the role of the budgie (except Bingo doesn't understand it, and she plays a surviving budgie, running around and squawking, and Bluey is sad/annoyed).

And I wonder at that: do kids act out sad things or things that worry them? And do they do it as a self-comfort ("I survived this, remember?") or as a way of gaming out situations? I mean, I know a lot of my rumination and "worrying" over bad things - stuff my dad used to tell me "don't borrow trouble"  about - was that my feeling was very much "if I can figure out the worst that can happen, I can figure out how to respond to it, and it will keep me safe in case that happens" 

(And yes, I am doing a bit of that now)

Well, oof.

 I really hope it's not as bad as my doomy brain is telling me, where RFK, jr. gets to gut public health and food safety and the EPA is gone and all of that.

but I think I need a quiet evening. Still here, just....yeah, oof. 

I leave you with a photo from the afternoon's field lab. At least the outdoors is still here

It feels appropriate

 I've written several times about this hymn, and the poem upon which it was based. The idea of making a decision, of being kind of at a precipice where things may change for good or ill, and praying you make the right choice, praying the right thing happens.

I feel it today.

It may be an early night for me; watching the returns, unless we get a lot of blue early on, will be worrisome and honestly I expect between the likely closeness AND the way some of the balloting rules have recently been changed it will be several days at a minimum before we know. 

this has just been a hard semester in a lot of ways and I am STILL thinking about that interaction with a student and feeling bad, and wondering what I could have done differently - then, and also earlier in the semester. I guess I just never really feel like a success any more, and that's not good.

started something new

 I realized if I was going to continue my tradition of a handmade gift for the AAUW gift exchange in early December, I better start it now, given how little time/how slowly I knit now.

I had sort of decided on fingerless mitts, and in fact, bought a skein of on-sale "Eddie Bauer" branded yarn (not actually made by them, the name was just leased) from JoAnn's in a dark blue. It's a wool-alpaca blend and I hope it won't be too scratchy

The pattern I chose is knit flat and seamed which I don't super love, but instead of having to knit on a thumb with a gusset, you just leave a gap in the seam, which is simple. 

It's a lace pattern. They call it Shell Lace Rib, it's a pattern I don't remember ever having knit before. It's pretty straightforward once you learn it - four rows with increases in one row and then decreases in two others, so the number of stitches changes from row to row, but fortunately the rib helps you to keep on track (in between the "shells" there are columns of purl on the right side)

It's about 1/3 done, maybe a little more, there. You knit 9" worth of it. Of course I will need to make two but it seems to go fast enough.

(Tomorrow night I want to find something NOT NEWS to watch - or maybe I just go to bed early and read instead of knitting. Some of the last-minute ads here make me want to punch my tv. I will be glad that they're done)

***

other than that, not a great day. I had someone who made an appointment to "discuss" their class and it turned out to be them accusing me of being a bad teacher and not making fair exams and I really had no recourse, and because I'm a people-pleaser I couldn't bring myself to do anything more forceful than remind them that there's a required syllabus for this class and it covers a lot of material.

but it left me feeling bad and doubting myself. What if I am a bad teacher now? What if students have changed to the point where my style of teaching no longer works? 

I will say later when my soon-to-be-retiring chair stopped by with a scheduling question for next semester, and I mentioned the thing, she shrugged and said "that's why I'm retiring. I had planned to stay on some years longer but I'm so fed up with people being demanding and yet not willing to do any work in class" and kind of, yeah. I mean, yes, it's the first-years I struggle with and once they get a semester or two under their belts they kind of calm down and realize what they have to do, but it's also super demoralizing. 

And a lot of the time these days it feels like I mainly hear complaints and not when I do something well (which makes me wonder if I'm doing anything well). I also find myself soothing other people's feelings a lot and.....it's like no one cares about mine. Which would be okay, except I can't even soothe my own because I'm worn out when I get home and can't do it. 

I don't know. Maybe I have to dump 1/2-3/4 of the clutter in my house and get a cat or a dog so there's at least something that gives the illusion of loving me, I don't know.

The thin places

 Today is All Saint's Day (Halloween is actually "all hallow's eve'). This Sunday is All Saints' Sunday.

Off and on through the years my congregation has observed it. This year, we haven't had any "near" deaths (I think we lost a person who had moved away). I also didn't even think of it until midweek and....well....the minister is taking a vacation day and I'm filling in for him. I admit I half-thought of scrapping the sermon I had (on the lectionary text from Mark 12, on the Two Great Commandments) but given how busy I've been and that it was 90% written when I realized that, I decided not to.

Also, All Saints' is sometimes hard for me. This past eight years, I've lost a LOT of people, beginning with a cousin (probably my favorite cousin on that side) who had had a massive stroke. (This was the cousin whose wife came to the hospital, and even though I know it was very hard for her, and told him "if you need to go, I will be okay. If you need to go and be with your mother and father and your grandmother and Tom [his brother who died before him], I will be okay. Don't hang on for me" and not long after that he died). And it just accelerated from there - 2019 probably being the worst year. And of course 2020 was bad, for different reasons (I did lose a couple people I knew to COVID, but they weren't people I had been close-close to)

And I remember how in 2019, I unthinkingly scheduled myself to serve "at the table" on All Saint's Sunday. Perhaps a word of explanation: in the Disciples of Christ church does communion every Sunday, usually referring to it as the Lord's Supper. Traditionally we had two elders and a couple deacons at the table; the deacons then carried the elements around to the congregation (in some congregations, they invite people who can to come down to the front to take the elements out of the trays the deacons hold). The elders say prayers, or, in some congregations, one does a Scripture reading and another does a prayer.

Since the pandemic we've gone to the pre-packaged, pre-sealed cups and bread. (I jokingly referred to them as Eucharistables, but no one found that funny). It does make it simpler, no need to make sure enough deacons are available. And we went down to one elder at the table for "distancing" (And we had masks on , at least into 2022)

We've kept the one elder and the Eucharistables, we're a small congregation and it makes scheduling easier. 

So anyway, in 2019, without even THINKING, I scheduled myself at the table. This was, of course, about 10-12 weeks after I lost my dad. I was still grieving deeply, though I didn't fully realize that. 

And I got up at the table, and I started talking about "those who have gone before us....." and something just broke in me and I started crying. I really, really hate publicly displaying strong emotion and I felt bad, which made it worse. I managed somehow to get through it.

Of course people understood. Everyone's been there in a way, where you're grieving someone and you have to speak at just the wrong time and you lose your composure. I still felt unhappy about it, a bit like I had failed. Oh, I'm over it now, and I try not to schedule myself at the table for this week (which, I guess serendipitously made it easier to fill in....)

But yes, a lot of traditions remember the dead about now. (I have read that in early Christianity, it was originally done in the spring, I suppose to line up with Easter, but was moved because at least the Celtic religion at the time did Samhain in the fall). But fall "feels" right, though I'm not sure that isn't partly "well, this is when we always did it"

But certainly, the reduction in light, the early dark, in much of the Northern hemisphere*, the dying leaves and general decay, the increasing cold, it does put a person in mind of endings. And I know traditionally people feel this is a "thin place" between this world and whatever lies after.  And it is easy to feel melancholy - if you're so inclined - at this time of year, at the early dark and the long evenings to hold memories in. 

And I'm thinking of it perhaps a bit more this year than I might have; someone I knew from Ravelry and now am a mutual with on Bluesky lost their partner yesterday. Oh, it wasn't unexpected; he had been, as she said "knocking hard at the door" for a while (having some chronic illnesses) but still.....every loss really does remind you of previous losses. And I think that's something important to remember (so you can be kind to yourself if you find yourself sad) but also, I do think it's extremely important to take time and remember those who went before. Whether you are religious (and so, have your own structure for considering it, and perhaps rituals) or spiritual or not at all. Dealing with death is part of how we make sense of life. 

It's also something we all have to deal with, but also, it does seem uniquely human that we KNOW we and those around us will die. Animals may have some awareness of it, and I suspect animals are aware right before they die - I've read too many cases of people's pets who went off to some quiet, secluded place when their time came. 

I've also read some theologians hypothesize that the "original sin," the "becoming like gods" that resulted from the forbidden fruit was gaining the knowledge and understanding that we will someday die. Which is a pretty rotten bargain, I'd argue. I know in 2019, after losing my father - and losing my friend Charles Hill not long after - it really messed me up, and I spent months ruminating on the realization that literally everyone I loved would die (and leave me behind, most of them being older than I am) and that I would die to......and so, why do ANYTHING? Nothing matters, everything is ephemeral.

(And I realize now: could that be what led to the decline in my knitting and sewing and everything else? a feeling of futility?)

It is hard, though, but it's also something we all share, especially those of us who have had big and close losses: how to keep on going on with that weighing on you. I admit I still haven't quite figured it out, and mostly rely on "forgetting" about it for a while.

also there's this

 a very happy 18th anniversary to the KXVO pumpkin dance, probably my favorite Halloween thing ever:

the Halloween outfit

 Another busy/stressful week (I was on campus for over 10 hours yesterday, most of them working). But I managed to put together a halloween outfit 

This was actually last year's idea, but it was too cold then.

The fun thing was that the major pieces (the dress and the shawl) where not obtained on purpose; I bought the dress over a year ago to wear to church, and I crocheted the shawl maybe 20 years ago now out of some Wool-Ease. It "feels" very much like a hippie shawl - simple design, kind of chunky, a yarn that clearly looks "not luxe)

I had the pendant (very very costume; that's a plastic "stone") and the headband came in one of those "surprise boxes" I used to subscribe to (before the mail went to heck and also before the companies selling them got unreliable).

Not shown is my feet in Birkenstocks and with a toe-ring from the same box the headband came in, I know not to post feet on the Internet because there are.....people.... out there.

It gets at the spirit of the day but is practical enough that I can teach in it

Well, the headband isn't super comfy and I'm not used to wearing them, and I don't like having my hair all loose, but. 

(Also I notice the "portrait" setting on my phone makes better pictures of me - the first picture - than the standard setting. It does something that evens out the complexion, or it lights it better, something)

***

my other plan for the day - I get out of class a bit after noon and don't have any afternoon commitments up here - is to try to early vote. It started yesterday. One person I know in the Norman or Edmond area (I think it is, a mutual on Bluesky) said there was something like a three hour line yesterday. I'm hoping that because we're a smaller town and maybe the really eager folks went yesterday, I won't have that long of a wait. 

I think I waited about an hour in 2016. In 2020, I did a "bring in the signed and notarized absentee ballot" thing because of COVID and I didn't want to vote in person. 

(I'm telling myself though that long lines for early might presage a better performance for Harris than one might think for this state, but who knows)

I also think I am going to tell a couple folks here that I'm going to early vote. You know, just in case anything ~happens~ so they know where I was. I hate that that's a part of the calculus but this is life now.

If I get done any before 3 pm with voting, I might come back here and do a bit of research. Or I might not; it's been a long week and I'm tired

****

Edited to add: I did the thing. It took about 40 minutes, the vast majority of that waiting in line. (I had researched all the downballot races - I already knew who I wanted for President - and the "state questions" so I knew how I wanted to vote and it just took a couple minutes to fill out the ballot)

Decided to stay home the rest of the afternoon; I'm tired and standing out in the bright sun (the area in the courthouse where you vote is small) gave me a slight headache. I have sheets in the washer; I need to change them. And I might do a little cleaning here. I also need to practice piano.