The good things

 One of the good things about my childhood was Summer Reading Club. The local public library did this; from about age 5 until age 12 (though I think I was already 7 or 8 when they started it), you could get a little paper folder and bring in a list of the books you'd read every week, and get "stickers" (actually pieces of paper you stuck down with a glue stick after coloring in) that created a little scene. Like there was a "build a monster" one with eyes and noses and stuff, and I think there was a horse-themed one with a meadow and horses?

I don't know. I just liked the recognition for reading books, which was something I'd do anyway.

This was well before the Pizza Hut "Book It!" promotion, and at any rate, there wasn't a Pizza Hut in my town. We did get coupons for small things (small fries, an ice cream cone, a small hamburger) from McDonald's for something like 10, 25, or 50 books read, but there also wasn't a McDonald's in town, so we never actually used the ones we got. 

I think libraries still do them; I've occasionally seen them advertised here in recent years. I suspect there always will be kids who like reading and like whatever reward things they do now (I'm guessing it's maybe all digital now, no real stickers)

Once I aged out of the program, I volunteered to help it a few years - went in for a couple hours a week and listened to kids talk about their books, and handed out stickers and crayons and helped "the littlies" with the glue stick. I liked doing it even if I'm not a big "kid" person, and on some level it felt like giving back to a program I had enjoyed when I was a kid. 

And summer begins

 The end of the school year is very different for me now than it was when I was a kid. 

When I was a kid - well, you counted down the days. Even kids like me who LIKED school and learning stuff. The last few days were 'easier' - some years there was a fun field trip, or a picnic, or a field day (I didn't like field days so much as I wasn't good at that kind of sports, and they were mostly the track-and-field type of things; I would have enjoyed something like a kickball tournament).

And then there was locker-clean-out day, and turn-back-in-the-textbooks, and then the last day was almost always a half-day. And often the school bus took the route in reverse, so you saw parts of the route you never saw. 

And then getting off the bus, and the summer - the whole summer, close to three months - stretched ahead of you. Nothing you HAD to do (well, unless you had piano lessons or signed up for something like soccer). You could do largely what you wanted - which, for me, included running around with my friends in the neighborhood and climbing trees, or trying to catch frogs, or if we could assemble enough kids, kickball or something like flag football, or hide-and-seek. Or just walking around in the various vacant lots/parks around the neighborhood and looking at stuff.  

And of course being able to play with your toys for longer than on schooldays, or undertaking bigger projects like building things...

Oh, eventually it got boring, and you wanted something different to do. Or the nearby friends went on vacation/to sports camp/whatever and you couldn't find someone to play with. But those first few days were pretty sweet.

I'm all packed

 Because my memory isn't always the greatest these days, I make a list - all the clothes I need (not in detail; I will just list "six t-shirts" or similar) and the essential things like my medications and make-up (some of which would not be easy to pick up at a drugstore in a pinch). 

And if I need something specialized (like a particular size circular needle) for a project I want to do, I add that to the list.

And I list things I need to do before I leave town, like put the plants on automatic waterers and gas up the car. 

And then the drive down there, and a wait.

This time I have the added plan to pack a small snack - I can't eat cumin-heavy food any more, and can't eat things made with celery, and currently all the flex meals they serve contain something I can't have, so rather than trying to count on either being offered one of the kiddie meals like mac and cheese in its place, or seeing if I could get something simple from the snack bar comped (they have a cheese plate, and that would be good, but it's $7 and I have individually wrapped cheese bites here at home), I'll just pack a few small things and see if I can get the salad and dessert and roll and a soft drink. 

I've got a FEW posts ahead; may do a few simple ones on the road (but it's harder typing on the phone)

Friday night things

 * So the new Pope has considerable Chicago ties (including a brother still living there). There have been some wonderful Chicago jokes making the rounds: "DA POPE" is a simple one.

But my favorite, in part because of the reference and in part because it took half a second to get it was:

"The cardinals won't tell you this, but the conclave vote wasn't even close. It was 25 or 6 to 4."

I laughed about that for about five minutes.

(I dunno. I think if he has a sense of humor, Leo XIV would at LEAST be amused by that second one)

* Got all my grades in today. I doubt I'll get anyone challenging  or asking for extra points, but if they do - I can't do anything. They earned what they earned. So I'm done until fall. 

* Then I came home and cleaned house. It wasn't as bad as it sometimes is, but I still vacuumed all the floors and damp-mopped them, hoping to get rid of the allergens (and also keep the ants down; we've all been battling the tiny black ants here because it's been such a wet spring). Did all the laundry but didn't quite have the energy to change the bedsheets (I can do that tomorrow, they were the last load I did and can sit in the dryer until I need them)

* I also got out the yarn I need to wind off - a couple skeins of dk for a cowl called "Along the Susquehanna" (sort of a "picture knit" in a knit purl pattern, a band of waves, a band representing railroad tracks, a band representing plowed fields, and one of birds in the air), and yarn for a couple pairs of socks. I also want to FINALLY make that "emotional support chicken" plushie both because I want one, and given the added load a colleague will have this fall because of our failed search, I want to make her one (but want to test the pattern out first)

* I do need to mow one last time, that will either be early Monday or Sunday afternoon. I'd LIKE to cut more brush but I need new gloves for that and I don't want to risk cutting myself up too much of getting poison ivy (there is some in the yard) right before I travel.

* But I'm tired, this semester has been A LOT. I finally cleaned up the lab I had been using as a soils lab (the colleague I share it with has a summer research student who will need to use her half of the room) and I will need to set up my soil-invertebrate extraction apparatuses when I return. And I'm done, it looks like, with teaching in other buildings, and in fall will be back in my own building - so no having to truck a distance in the rain, no having to worry about midmorning parking, and no having to make sure I have every last thing I need from my office when I head out to class. 

And the goings-on in the world are a lot - now it looks like India and Pakistan are escalating what started out as a skirmish and I know they've always been uneasy neighbors (I suspect British colonialism takes a lot of the blame here for that, with how they partitioned things). But they're both nuclear powers! And as a kid of the 80s.....well, nuclear powers getting into it make me anxious, I know several times since 2022 when Ukraine was invaded I thought "here it goes, Putin pulls out the nukes, and we're done" 

I would very much like to live in boring times. 

*Tomorrow is graduation. I thought I might see my outgoing chair but it turns out she's gone off to Vegas with her sister (and her adult son is joining them) for a vacation. (She lost her husband something like 15 years ago- heart issue). I know at least one of my colleagues will be there because he mentioned it, so I won't be all alone to represent Biology. 

Types of events

 The Papal Conclave is taking place. As of the time I'm writing this (10:24 am CDT), there's no decision yet.

 

I found a "chimney cam" online and have it on in the background; I presume if we get white smoke (there's supposed to be a vote taking place now) there will be cheering and I can click over to it. Or if there's black smoke, there will be some reaction.

 

I don't know. I'm not Catholic but I'm weirdly invested in it. It does feel like a worldwide news event (I think the majority, or at least a plurality, of global Christians are Catholic).  And it feels to me like there is a shortage of news events that aren't some variety of "oh no!" or "what now?" 

Especially now, given the times we are in. Too much bad news, too much news that will adversely affect me or people I care about. So it's somehow a relief to see something happening that will directly affect me not at all, but may be good news for some folks (depending on who is elected Pope)

It also, I admit, gives me a feeling of being part of something. And I don't feel that often enough - these days, everything feels very atomized and especially for me, as alone as I am much of the time, it's easy to feel like my connection to the rest of humanity is frail, and at times to ask myself "well do the rest of them really even want me here?" (in the current cruel times where unmarried women or childless women or educated people or college professors or even people with empathy, for goodness sake, are demonized as being bad and wrong, it's too easy for me to slip back into 13-year-old-me mode and wonder if anyone outside  my family even cares if I exist or not). 

But watching and waiting and knowing other people are doing the same, while at the same time the outcome will be neutral at worst for me, somehow helps make me feel part of something.  

I also remember seeing the results of the conclave (I can't remember now if I saw the white smoke live, or on a recording on the news) for Francis, and maybe for Benedict? And I know when Francis was elected I flipped over to EWTN and they had a big "Habeamus Papam" (we have a Pope) graphic up. 

And I don't know. Maybe I invest a little too much in trying to shake hands across the centuries, but the sense of continuity is maybe kind of nice, in a world that is changing (deteriorating, it feels to me) rapidly right now. 

But it may also be of interest to me because it's something related to faith, and related to a form of the faith I practice, but in the congregation I am in and the denomination I was raised in (Disciples of Christ), things are done very differently - much less pomp, generally pretty low-church*, and each congregation is tasked with choosing their own minister and while there's a loose hierarchy, they are mostly pretty hands-off of the individual congregations. 

(*I admit I'd like a little more high-church stuff. I like formality and pomp and the sense that "this is different from your mundane life" even as I understand you can argue that your day-to-day life should not be different from the practice of your faith)

So I watch, and will be interested to see who they pick. I have my preferences, but I don't really know much about the candidates other than what little I've read filtered through people who have more of a direct reason to care. 

But as I said: the fact that the effect of this on me will be at worst neutral is nice, it's a relief from the tariff news I've been worrying about, or the tensions rising in India and Pakistan, and other things.

 

Update 11:09 am: cheers going up alerted me and I got to see the white smoke on the cam. Wonder who it will be.  I am strangely moved even though this in no way affects me as I'm not Catholic.

ends of an era

 Tonight was the retirement dinner for my current chair. Tomorrow is her last day; Friday she is traveling to Vegas with her sister. 

The gift went over well; she said her dog would love it, and that the balls float is good because they go stay at a cabin with a lake (and the dog being a Golden retriever, I could see her wanting to chase balls into the water)

It's going to be weird, though, being the person with the longest seniority once she's gone. I commented I didn't feel mature enough to be the person with longest seniority (And no one contradicted me; chat, should I be offended?)

I have one colleague who came a couple years after me, but after that, everyone else is more recent (Our anatomist is actually older than I am but he came later than I did; but he noted tonight he could retire in 2 years - we are on "rule of 90," where your age and years of experience have to add up to 90 [possibly unless you're 65? I'm not sure about that]. I could retire in four years.)

But another end of an era - this morning we got an e-mail that the man who had been the department chair in 1999 when I started here had died. He's the one who extended the job offer to me and one of the people who interviewed me for the position. He was the person who started "Friday pie-day" when people would bring in pie, which gradually grew into monthly potluck lunches (which kind of died out during the pandemic)

So I don't know. After he retired in 2001 I would very occasionally run into him at the grocery store, and he'd ask about the department.  

He was probably close to 90, at my estimate, so he had a good long life, but still - it's kind of sad to me, another bit of my past days gone.

 (I looked up his obituary - he was 86. And he served in Vietnam, something I had not known.)

They had a nice photo of him up on the obituary site; it was a photo where he looked like I remembered him (so probably a slightly older photo). He was a nice man and did well as our department chair. 

One of the things that's hard to get used to as an older adult is how many people you have known wind up dying, sometimes in fairly rapid succession.

two exams down

 Gave and graded the second exam today. This was one of the more grading-intensive ones (the worst one, though, partly because it's a larger class, is tomorrow).

I've mainly been working on the vest, it's bigger now:

 I've still got at least 6" before I divide for the front and back, though. I might take this one with me on break and try to finish it. 

I also have worked (at home) on the Moon Moth sweater and want to get to the point of the colorwork. That would be a good one to take on break BUT it requires more yarn to be carried along, and would take up more suitcase space

I also kind of like the vest. The color is cheerful, and while the yarn wasn't expensive (and is recycled polyester), it works well enough. (This is also a purchase from "the late" JoAnn Fabrics. I'm STILL sad that I'll never be able to walk into there again and just roam the aisles). 

I also got a new pair of support gloves for knitting - I've been having some arthritis or perhaps carpel tunnel problems in my left hand -  or perhaps slightly damaged nerve (I broke my left elbow back in 1991, and I probably broke that collarbone about 20 years after that, and sometimes the collarbone area does hurt on that side, and an exercise physiologist once asked if he could put his hand on my shoulder to "check" something and then he asked me if I'd broken the collarbone at some point (apparently he could tell from how I moved?)

Anyway, these are a Lion Brand product, which I ordered from Purl's Knitting Emporium in Asheville (I started occasionally shopping from them after the hurricane that hit NC; they seemed to do a lot to try to help their community and again, I like to do what I can to keep small nice stores going). I got the size small, which is right for me (there's a guide on the packet, but of course I had to guess since I was ordering online. I think my hand is about 7" around or a bit less)

They do seem to help, or at least they're helping tonight, the first night I had them.

The weekend's work

 I did find the present I wanted:

 It's one of those ball-chucker things. The balls float and the whole thing glows in the dark (and it glows pretty strongly as I saw when I brought it into my dim house from the car trunk). 

I did also go to the yarn shop. I had not PLANNED on it, but then decided that since I was going to Albertson's and they are only a couple blocks away....

Yes, I bought more yarn

 it's the start of the North Texas yarn crawl, and they had a spinner doing a demonstration with an electric wheel (I had never seen one, just the foot-treadle kind) and they had a dyer selling her wares - a new to me line, so I bought the "Tiger Lily" fingering weight (the one on the top there) and the "Rhubarb" dk weight - that yarn actually comes from the sheep the dyer owns, which is always kind of a nice thing.

Apparently this is going to be one of the new lines they carry when they move to their new space (same building, but a larger suite, so they can carry more things and I presume have more space for classes and knit nights) in early June.

So that's hopeful.  Maybe even if tariffs grind down on the ability to import yarn there's still enough US made out there that there will still be yarn? Because I feel like "yarn will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no yarn" (I feel the same about books)

The dk there will be for a hat, I think - it might be just a little bit not-soft-enough for mitts. And the Tiger Lily will be socks, in fact, I may do the "Hocus Pocus" cabled pattern I had in mind for some Hobbit themed yarn (which is probably too dark to show cables well) with this one instead.

 

After I got home (and Sunday after church), I spend some time working outside - I mowed the lawn (it needed it, after all the rain) but first I had to take down another cracked part of the yaupon holly (we had a brief windstorm Friday morning). At first I was afraid I couldn't do it myself and wondered if I could text Dana to come help me, but then I figured it out - I cut it to pieces using my Japanese folding saw and then I was able to reach the top part (which had snagged on the main trunk) and maneuver it down

 I had to drag it around to the back yard; the city no longer does free yard waste pickup and I'm not even sure you can pay them to pick up now; I will have to either hire someone to haul off the brush or enlist someone who has a pickup truck and/or open trailer to help me get it to the dump. (Very inconvenient, but it seems like "fewer services for the same cost" is the law of the land now)

I kept going. And wound up with quite a pile; this is about 5' tall and there's still more to go. I think of the Bluey episode "Stumpfest" and yeah, you know? Cutting brush is kind of fun because it's satisfying to see the area get cleaned up.

I will have to be careful the next go I take at it; I saw some poison ivy back behind the next batch I have to cut and I've *already* had a case this spring (probably contracted from some field equipment that was contaminated with the oils). 

But right now, it's raining, so no more Stumpfest today or tomorrow.

Semester is over

 Today was the last day of classes. I didn't have much to do; I was doing a final-exam review in the intro class (hard to review for a comprehensive assessment test but I did my best) and hearing the last presentations in the other class.

And I'm done for now. My finals are written and copied. I give one Monday, one Tuesday, one Wednesday. I got all the grading I had done (a couple people didn't get things in, but no matter) and figured out how to do the automatic "drop the lowest exam score" thing in Canvas for the two classes that have them.

Even though my classes were good this semester, I'm glad to be done. I definitely will NOT miss trucking over to another, unfamiliar building (one with sort of weird outdated restrooms and no functioning drinking fountains) and especially these past few days with the heavy rain.

Incidentally, Tiny Jesus is still perched on the fire alarm box. I just left him - I know I said that I might gank him after my last class, but now I feel awkward about that and I also like to imagine that he just stays there for months and months, mostly hidden, that only a few people might notice. 

Tomorrow I have to go find a gift for a retiring colleague; she likes golf,  bowling, and her dogs, so I think I'll get some kind of thing she can play with the dogs with (I don't know enough about either bowling or golf to feel comfortable picking something out, and I know people can be picky about things like golf balls.

I also need to see if there's something for my mom's birthday. I could order something from one of the food purveyors (like King Arthur Flour) if I can't find something, and as long as it comes on time, I ordered a book of National Parks crossword puzzles (she really likes crossword puzzles and used to teach a course on the National Parks) 

Also I need to get groceries - but not too many, in just about 10 days I will be on my way to visit my mom. 

***

Last night I watched - I don't know if it was quite the season finale of Elsbeth. I don't know, the series took an odd turn - there was that creepy judge who got shot, and now Elsbeth is in jail....and she's doubting if there IS justice (her son, who received a very high LSAT score, has now decide he doesn't want to become a lawyer because of the corruption). 

And it's funny. I find it incredibly distressing when an otherwise-positive character becomes disillusioned and sad. Like, "why did the writers have to do that to her, couldn't they keep it as a sort of Columbo-adjacent show with a quirky lady who wears colorful clothes and that features interesting guest stars?" I mean, maybe they'll resolve it next season, but.

And yeah, in a way her reactions mirror something I'm feeling a lot - that in the wider world, truth doesn't matter, goodness doesn't matter, all that matters is how much power you have, and in some cases, if you have a lot of money you're given power, and in others, if you can talk a good line of (shaving cream), you get power.  

And yeah. How do you keep going when some days you feel it's all rotten through? And you realize that you can't counsel students to pursue agency jobs, because those jobs will go away, and that no one really values education any more, and the only "valuable" career is apparently being an entrepreneur or techbro and there maybe isn't really room in the world for the rest of us? 

I don't know. I try to keep having hope, and telling myself that being kind and doing the "right thing" (according to what I have learned from people I respected, and yes, even the Bible) is still the right thing, no matter what the world says.

And I saw this today in the student union, while I was carrying the exams over there for the students who have extra-time accommodations, and yeah, maybe:

I don't know for sure who put it up (you can't see it on there but there's the official stamp that has to be obtained to post something on an official bulletin board).
My campus isn't perfect, but they do seem to do an okay job of making people feel welcome.
 

getting rained on

 I'm tired, and I hurt. 

It poured down rain today - just as I had to leave my normal building (where my office is, and where, in a NORMAL semester I'd be teaching all my classes) and drive over to the nearest parking lot to what I call the Exile Building. It's still about half a football field's walk to the building. And it was raining *extremely* hard - hard enough that driving over was slightly scary (hard to see) and once I got parked I sat for a while hoping it would let up, but then realized I should use the restroom before my two hours of class, so I went through the Chemistry building (better and more reliable bathrooms, and as it turns out, apparently at least one women's room in the other building was closed for cleaning) and then over to the building I taught in

 I was soaked to the skin even with a rainjacket on. Fortunately I had the exams I was giving deep enough in my backpack they didn't get wet.

But my dress was wet, and my feet were wet, and my hair was wet. When I got to the room I took out my ponytail holder and shook like a dog to try to get some of the water out of my hair.

Unfortunately, they've put on the AC for the year, which would be fine, except I was soaked to the kind and it wasn't that warm out to begin with. So I was chilled all through giving the exam and through the student presentations in the next class. And then, back to my car, through less heavy rain, but still rain, and I ate lunch in my car (as I have been doing on Wednesdays this semester - not enough  time to get back to my building and then BACK to the other "exile building" before lab

 So yeah. That was my view at lunch. 

Then another hour and a half or so with more presentations in another chilly room, and then back over to my office to do some hang-over grading and to tidy up the lab grades for the lab section of gen bio I taught, and pass them on to the people in charge of the lecture sections. 

By the time I got home, I was really cold. I made a cup of hot chocolate and got into long pajamas and put the heat back on (earlier in the week I had had to put the AC on - very humid and could not breathe)

I guess I'm better now but I also ache because everything tensed up while I was cold. 

and it's here

 I mentioned finding a (somewhat) affordable copy of Dan Dindal's Soil Biology Guide.

(Somewhat affordable: $150 instead of $220)

Yeah, it was a big investment but I've wanted a copy for a long time and it will help with whatever remaining invertebrate research I do*

It's huge. It was published in 1990 but has been out of print for a while and it is hard to find copies for a reasonable price.

 

 It's a nicely-produced book, with LOTS of detail on MANY groups. Like here is a page showing some of the "ornamentation" on the integuments of tardigrades:

 And the spine has another favorite invertebrate of mine on it: a pseudoscorpion, which are extremely cool in a lot of ways.

 The person who had this before me was careful with their books - it's in good shape - and they even kept the little folder of printed errata for the book and it was tucked inside the front cover (nice to have)

 

(*I do wonder, what happens if I either choose to retire in four years, or get forced out - either because of declining health/injury gets worse or because a financial crash shutters the small regional universities. I also have a set of Britton and Brown's plant identification guides I bought like fifteen years ago. I suppose years back I could have passed them on to a newer researcher,but most people now seem to like to use online resources - not that there a whole lot for soil invertebrates - and we also don't turn out as many organismal biologists as we once did. I have a few books I inherited from my dad, not that they're even in my specialty)

Monday afternoon things

 * Gonna be a stormy week; I expect tomorrow night I'll have to spend time hanging out in the middle of the house hall/bathroom area (it's the part of the house most surrounded by walls and far from windows). I don't like it. Been a bad spring. I suspect it's gonna be bad because I have a headache ALREADY tonight from the pressure difference; it's 20 degrees cooler in OKC (so, about 150 miles to the northwest from here) than it is here (I'm having to run the AC because it's super humid and that's bothering my asthma pretty fiercely)

*I've been watching a channel on YouTube called Ryan Hall, y'all. He's a "Weather analyst" who kind of collates storm chasing information. During our last storm outbreak I found him and it does help, it's information that The Weather Channel USUALLY doesn't give (unless it's a highly populated area, seems they ignore it, especially in the evenings when they're running their dumb reality shows). And the local weathercasters (well, "local" from 45 miles away) do a decent job, but they're only on when it's bad weather right nearby - this youtube channel covers everything, including things off to the west of me that might be coming in in hours. And he's fairly low-key but also tries to emphasize when people need to take cover.

Weirdly, I find bad-weather coverage easier to take than most news: yes, it's bad things happening, but it's not bad things directly caused by people, and the people involved are doing their best to try to mitigate the risk to human life. 

* I spent some time yesterday after church and did some brush cutting/weed removal. Not as much as I'd have liked and a lot of it was having to use my big shovel to "pop" the wild lettuce and the pokeweed that was growing up where the tree was removed last year out by their roots. I've been stacking the stuff up by the back gate; the city no longer picks up yard waste unless you pay through the nose for it, but you can take it to the dump yourself for free, so I'm going to get a big stack and see if I can get someone who has a pickup to bring it into the alley and let me load it up and drive with me to the dump.

I suppose an alternative would be to get a trailer hitch put on my car and buy a small trailer, but then, I've never learned how to back up with a trailer and stuff like that, and I'd need a light enough one I could wrangle it myself. 

* I will say being more active where I can periodically rest for a few minutes leads to less knee pain than the constantly-on-my-feet of lecturing. I think I'm also bending and flexing more. The worst knee problem is if I happen to bend the knee a bit far back (my knees hyperextend easily). I didn't hurt after doing the yardwork. 

I'd have done more today but I graded until kind of late, and I need to buy some new gardening gloves and I didn't feel like running out to get them when I was headed home at 4 (and I did wind up spending another hour or so grading once I was home). It's supposed to rain the rest of the week so I may not get to do more right away

* I knit some more on the "wood pigeon" (a self-patterning in shades of greyed purple) socks this weekend, and more on the yellow vest (while invigilating an exam). 

* I probably need to take my car out for an oil and filter change tomorrow; it's overdue by time but not by mileage (I don't drive much) but I also want to do it before the tariffs chaos and I worry that things are going to wind up being in short supply - lots of people worrying about empty container ships. And I KNOW if there are supply chain troubles, we will be hit harder than more prosperous/connected parts of the country. (And I hate that I have to do this kind of calculus now. I did also order ahead a few things and I stocked up on tp and paper towels some weeks back. It does feel VERY much like early pandemic days, that "I don't know what's coming but it feels bad" At least this time people won't be dying of pneumonia?)

 

a better thing

 I will occasionally browse Etsy for vintage handmade doll clothes, especially for Barbies, seeing as the main dolls I have here right now are Barbies.

I don't often find things, or what I find isn't great, and once or twice I've been a little disappointed in my orders

But not today. A seller had a lot of dresses for about $20, she said she didn't know if they were commercially or hand made, but there were no tags, so I decided to try.

They came today. I really think they are handmade, BUT made by someone who was an expert seamstress and who had a sense of style. Everything is machine sewn but the way the snaps are sewn on by hand look like how people who sew at home do it. And there's an attention to detail, but the fabrics also don't seem like ones a big company would have used. 

I really like them, and I was a little tired tonight, or I'd have tried them on the dolls (they seem pretty clean, so I'm not going to try handwashing them)

First up- two red "day dresses" or "school dresses" that if they're small enough, would probably fit the little Creatable World girls I have - I will probably try those on them first. 

 There's also a pinafore - it has big patch pockets on it so I wonder if it was an attempt to recreate a Candy Striper uniform. I suppose it would have had a white blouse under it. And then the coatdress is made out of something like felt (it seems a little faded) and it reminds me of an ice skating dress.

And then, my second favorite of the dresses - a white eyelet garden-party dress (not quite formal enough to be a bridal gown, and you wouldn't put bridesmaids in white) or maybe a prom dress? 

 It's lined with lining fabric, there's a green sash with a tiny silk flower on it. 

And then there's what I think is intended as a suit, with a VERY thin fabric (and very narrow; I'm not convinced it will fit even "skinny Barbie") shift, and then a skirt and suit jacket that could go over it. And a peach-colored semiformal that's made out of something like lining fabric, but heavier:

And then finally, my favorite: an evening gown in turquoise silky fabric with silver embroidery, and on the back there is a short train (I tried to fold it out in the second photo)

 

 I want to try the turquoise gown on maybe Olivia (my African-American Barbie), both because the color would be good and I imagine her as being elegant and stylish; and the white one on blonde Barbie. And maybe the suit on Sam, who is more businesslike in her attitude and who has slightly tanner skin and brown hair (I don't think she's supposed to be Hispanic, but could be). And maybe try one of the red dresses on Gabby; she represents a younger woman so the red dresses might work for her.

And it's Thursday

 Still fairly discouraged; have hit the point of reflecting that as much as I loved fairy stories as a kid and still love things like movies or shows or books where the "good guys" win in the end (and that they're not overly-complicatedly-good, aka "problematic"), maybe we shouldn't be exposed to them. Because then we begin to expect that good will be rewarded or at least wrongdoing will see consequences of that, and it doesn't feel like that right now.

 In the middle, currently, of some dissention around me about a decision that needs to be made. I see what I think should happen but other people want not to "settle" (which means more work for everyone, and more insecurity, and maybe some people getting burned out and quitting). And I hate it all. I hate how hard everything seems to be.

 

Sorry. Ice cream machine broken right now. 
Maybe next week will be better, which is something I've said roughly every week since mid 2019. 

Still, I would like to see some evidence that doing the "right" thing gets you something other than punishment, and that sometimes, being selfish comes back to bite you. But I don't see a lot of that in the world now.

Anyway, back to knitting I guess, it's the ONLY thing I have control over

 

"The world rewards might" claims a slimy character just now on "Elsbeth," and though it'll probably work out that he pays (and it seems he just did), still.....don't see much of that in the real world, you just see that "might gets rewarded" I wish I weren't so discouraged, but....it's been a long semester; 2025 has been decades long so far.

Looking for comfort

 Part of it, I suppose, is that I'm just tired. This semester has been long, and it's been full of unpleasant things - having to truck across campus every day to teach in unfamiliar buildings where there aren't good bathrooms or working drinking fountains, feeling displaced, the added cognitive burden of "okay I need every piece of paper I might remotely need because there's no running back to my office"

And also....a friend of mine here is ill and while she sounds like she's on the mend, I won't relax until she's back doing what she's always done. And dealing with the difficult person was more upsetting to me than I think I realized. 

And hearing today that the unelected, unvetted group of wreckers in the government apparently now have control of public lands including the National Parks....

(One of my vague "do in retirement" plans was to travel around to a number of the National Parks. If the worst happens? I won't get the chance)

And yes, darnit, I'm still mourning JoAnn Fabrics. 

And I drove by our little downtown the other day, and there are so many empty storefronts again. 

So yeah, I regretfully put aside "The Poison Squad," though I think I'll try it again before the summer's out; I wanted to read it for  the environmental policy and law class I teach (I also cover workplace safety, like OSHA, and food/drug safety). But right now I can't with it. 

I think it's also been a really brutal allergy season; I wake up congested every morning and I think there's something in one of the "exile rooms" where I teach that sets it off. And I know having bad allergies makes other things look worse to me. But I do think also a lot of people are struggling right now; there's a lot of chaos, and there are some people who seem to feel empowered to be rude and nasty again, and I dislike that.

I admit I also feel a lot of ... dynamic tension? or cognitive dissonance, or something. On the one hand, I look at the world, and I see the liars and the dirty dirty cheats prospering, and I see people who try to be empathetic and to help others called "losers" and similar. And then I go to church. And hear about what God is calling us to do. And when I can be kind to someone I feel good that I was able to help. And them I think, "well, maybe I'm not the loser." But I do increasingly find it hard to live in this world when you have a particular set of beliefs at your core, and the world seems to hammer away at those, and try to make you feel bad, wrong, and strange. Or maybe cringe? I mean, I've always been what people now call "cringe" - I liked juvenile things way too late and I remember being mocked for talking about some of the television programs or book series I liked when I was in junior high, and I realize now that I was bing , you might say "cringe policed" by the other kids. 

So anyway - I'm reading a couple nonfiction books now in the stead of the one I had to put aside; one called something like Mississippian Beginnings which is about the early First Nations people in the southeast (Some of them lived this far west, the people who became the Caddos and others). Distant past history like that interests me, and it does feel somewhat removed from modern problems (though I am sure the people of the past had different and sometimes worse problems than we do). I tried to read it a couple years back but my brain was still melted from the pandemic and I found it too slow going; now it seems to be working. 

And I'm reading Judith Butler Bass' "Freeing Jesus." I'm not very far into it but it's good - I've read the chapter on Jesus as Friend and Jesus as Teacher (she's essentially walking through the different ways she viewed Jesus over her life). I like it because it's not sentimental in the way some Protestant writing tends to be; it's very real, but also....I'm not sure how to phrase it than that she takes her faith seriously but also doesn't idealize things. (One of my problems with how Christianity is sometimes presented is the idea that if you have problems or concerns or upsets or doubts once you're a Christian, you're doing it wrong and your faith is too weak, and....again, that seems judgmental to me)

I've also been picking away at the couple of socks I have on the needles. And listening to a lot of the "background music" streams on YouTube (the "quiet jazz" and also the lofi stuff; again, it kind of shuts up the bees in my head sometimes). 

I probably need to be sleeping more; I've been staying up past 10 and that's not great when you get up around 5:30....

Tuesday evening things

 * Having to put "The Poison Squad" aside for a while; it's too distressing to read while real-world food-safety regulations are being repealed. 

I hope we don't get milk with formaldehyde in it again like in the 1890s.

* Managed to finally get some research reading done. It's hard to fit it in, there are  millions of pecked-to-death-by-ducks things when you teach. Like, I had to do (re-do, in fact: we have to do it every semester and have had to for at least 10 years) training on avoiding needlesticks, and SDS sheets, and the hazmat safety plan. And all of those together took about an hour to do. 

* I *think* I am going to try to find someone who has land with red cedar on it and try to do some comparisons of invertebrates under that with under broadleaved trees. Or maybe go back and try to revive the "different sites out at the field area" sampling, but this time do some soil analysis too. But first I have to get my light stands and lamps out of storage, and set them back up in the room where I HAD been teaching soil lab. 

Of course, I'll have to move THAT stuff somewhere; they're not done with the renovations yet, so I'll have to move it "back" twice - first to a room to store it in, and second, back to the lab where it normally stays. But I can't go the entire summer without at least trying to do some research. 

* Thanks to a friend on Bluesky, I tracked down a minimally-affordable copy of Dan Dindal's "Soil Biology Guide" (out of print, but very useful, and I could never get a copy to keep). So hopefully that will be here soon. 

Yes, I know: I'm perhaps within a decade of retirement so I don't know how useful an investment it is, but it's kind of been a "grail" publication for a number of years. And who knows? I might get a few more good projects done, or I might even be able to request office and lab space in retirement and continue the research. 

* But other than that, a challenging day. I mowed the lawn yesterday evening so I hurt a bit from that, and my allergies were bad.. And there were challenging things. The equipment for the lab I was supposed to teach was slightly wrong, and things didn't work out (this is a gen ed class, I don't design the labs). And then a somewhat contentious meeting about "what do we do about the failed search." We may have a solution but.....it means more work and I'm honestly worked-out about things that are extra over and above my teaching and research. 

* And just sad at the world, more news of tariffs, and speculation that there will be massive supply chain disruptions which may make even simple things harder to find (as well as more expensive) and it kind of undoes me, all the uncertainty: maybe it'll be nothing and if you buy ten toothbrushes ahead you won't need to have done that* or maybe it'll be TERRIBLE and it'll be years before being able to get things is normal again, or maybe food will get hard to find like it was during COVID where being able to actually GET milk was a big victory and you had to spend more time and energy getting things

(*though in that case I could always donate them to....well, I'd say a homeless shelter, but it seems my state's governor has largely banned those from being built in the smaller cities, and we don't have one...)

And it all worked up into a ball of suck, and I was sad and anxious for much of the afternoon. I did buckle down from about 3:30 to 5 pm and get some reading done, but....there are a lot of days now where just snowballs and makes me unhappy. 

* At least I'm done with labs now. Monday was the make-up for a couple students who missed one of the soils exercises due to illness (and I emphasized today that if anyone was still missing one, it was too late, they had their chance). Today was the last intro lab, and I'm already done with ecology (tomorrow is extra office hours for people to consult about the write up of their final project. Several people already gave me "finished drafts" for me to look over, I like to do this even though it takes time, it means the final papers are better). So maybe tomorrow I get more research reading done, and maybe I can get home at an earlier hour to relax. (I do have two exams to write for next week some time, and then the finals to brush up.)

*  The other day I was listening to something on Sirius XM (I think it was the Spa channel, and yeah, yeah, I know, but sometimes you need that kind of calm trancy stuff when you're driving) and they advertised a new channel called Mom Jeans (they featured an Enya song) and I thought "It's 'Yacht Rock for Her' " and kind of laughed to myself.

An eventful weekend

 Three day weekends all the time would be nice: a day for running errands, a day for relaxing at home, a day for social/spiritual stuff. Sadly, I rarely get them, and sometimes it's even hard to swing a two-day weekend....

Friday I did go out. I wanted to do "nicer" grocery shopping than I can get locally, so that means Albertson's. Which, of course, is only a few blocks from the yarn shop, so....

 Dream in Color in "Element 79" (I looked it up: it's Gold, which makes sense given the color). And another in "Alive" (this one a DK weight, for mitts). And the name makes me think of that one episode of Bluey where Bandit pretended for his kids he was "born yesterday" and at one point was wonderingly saying "Alive?" to things like plants. 

And the third one is another one of those paired skeins of Gusto yarn that stripes/ombres, for another pair of socks. 

The book is "Victorian Cats to Knit" which is amusing - rather realistic cats you can hand knit; I might make myself an 'arnj' one. 

I also got my grocery shopping done. 

Saturday we were supposed to have storms, so I stayed home and knitted on the "Roadside Attraction" socks. 

The heel flap on these is clever; it has purl rows on it that mirror the design on the leg

 Unfortunately, the bad storms came late Saturday evening - we wound up getting a tornado warning starting around 10 pm and lasting off and on (they'd cancel one and then start a new one) until almost midnight.

So I wound up hanging out in the bathroom (my tornado safe space). Here I am at about 11 pm, tired and worried (both because of the storms and because I had to play handbells at church the next day and was afraid I'd mess up from being tired)

 (That's a big red panda stuffie I have)

Sunday - well, handbells went fine despite my being tired, and there was other good music, and it was just in general a good Easter service.

And then in the afternoon I took a minute to do this. This thistle - I think it was a Cirsium arvense, so an invasive- had come into my back yard and while I'd mowed it down several weeks ago I knew I'd have to get rid of it, so while the soil was wet from all the rain I got my shovel and popped it out from the roots. (Normally these things have a tap root but I didn't seem to get it. Or maybe it just hadn't developed yet?)

 

It's Good Friday

 Man, it's been kind of an emotionally-brutal week (I am still thinking about the student who disclosed sexual abuse to me; I hope they are okay, I hope the appropriate office on campus reached out to them). 

And other things, I won't list the whole litany here, other than to note that sometimes hopes get dashed and you're back to square one, and people can be difficult and play the victim while simultaneously alienating everyone around them, and having computer problems bad enough you get flustered in front of a class and earn a bit of what felt like mocking laughter as a result, and there are a thousand worries out in the world, some of which make your own personal worries about things like finances seem petty and selfish.

And another campus shooting. 

Last night we did a Maundy Thursday service. We typically don't do a Good Friday service; the Episcopalian church here does and they invite people of other denominations to attend.

We are small, and between pastors at the moment, so for these "special" services - because our interims travel to be here - it's usually on the laypeople to run them. That's okay; Disciples of Christ kind of started with that, and it's something some congregations continue. The church secretary, who also serves as sort of a worship leader (announcing hymns, etc.) and I (as head elder) often take care of these things. We did that for Ash Wednesday; we did it for tonight - a couple other elders did readings as well. (It's the traditional "history of Passover from Exodus" and then "brief account of Christ's arrest and trial" and because this also takes the place of Good Friday, at the end, the verses from John about the Crucifixion). 

Maundy Thursday can be a hard day. It's the very end of Lent, and if you've observed Lent or even thoguht much about it, you're probably weary. And I admit it: I *feel* Lent more this year than I have some others; I can feel the "wandering in the wilderness" as now a lot of the time it does feel like my country is stumbling around in the dark, doing wrong things and hurting people. (Maybe it always was thus, or always was thus for some groups, but I think it's broken through to a lot of us now). And, as I said, there were some difficult and upsetting things to deal with this week.

And the service is often emotionally kind of raw: for one thing, it being in the evening means it's "different," and for some of us, being a bit out of schedule has us off our guard. And then, many years (though not this one) it's been stormy (one year the power even went out). And of course the subject matter is hard and raw and if you take faith seriously there's a lot about what's going on that affects you.

I did say when we were planning this out "don't give me any of the last readings" (because one year I started to cry when referencing His arrest and crucifixion in a prayer, but that was at a time when some other things were going on to make me emotional) but I was also responsible for the opening prayer and the benediction. I wrote out the prayer so I wouldn't stumble or hang up somewhere in the middle. The benediction was one I quoted - it's a poem by Rev. Shelli Williams that I liked, and I did credit her when reading it: 

A Sending for Maundy Thursday

This night is our calling to go into the world,

scattered to the ends of the earth

to love as Christ loved

and serve in the name of Christ.

It is our calling to remember,

even in our darkest hour,

who we are.

We remember that Christ is always with us.

And we remember that on this night,

we were taught how to love.

On this night, eternity begins

and the fullness of God’s Reign begins to spill into our lives.

So go into the world to give yourself for others,

in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord.

Go into the world and love

in the name of the One who loved you until the end.

It all begins and ends and begins again with Love.

That IS the story. Amen.

A link to it is here. (And yes, it's a bit over a decade old but it still applies.)

I admit my voice was bordering on shaking at the end, but I made it through. 

And yes, as a pastor friend reminded me: Good Friday was when things looked the worst and bleakest; no one knew what was coming on Sunday and I guess that means you fervently hope for something that is miraculously good and unexpected to come in the future, but I admit it's hard and what hope I might have is often hard to find...

 

my own, personal....

 Yes, I know the song Personal Jesus is not LITERALLY about Jesus; it's about taking a human person (I think the original was supposed to be about Elvis?) and casting them in a role no human can fill. 

But I admit I thought it when I saw my first-ever instance of the Tiny Jesus phenomenon in public

 This is something I had heard about: it's possible to purchase tiny (like, 1" tall) cartoonish little figures of Jesus (and yes, yes, He looks far too Northern European here, of course). The standard procedure seems to be you ask someone if they could "use a little Jesus" and then you hand them one.

I admit, I'd find it cute and I'd probably answer "always" if someone asked if I could use a little Jesus, but I also don't know that I'd take so kindly to it if I weren't a Christian already. (So: maybe better as a thing for people you already know ARE, rather than an evangelism thing)

And yeah, I'd happily accept a tiny Jesus if offered one, and probably keep Him on my desk at school.

This one is fairly typical of the ones I've seen in pictures: white robe, the sash is red. It's hard to read but it also has "Jesus (heart) You" on it. 

I spotted Him in the building where I teach on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, the person had left Him (as you can see) on one of the fire-alarm pull boxes. So, not obvious, but I tend to notice things like that.

I left Him there; I don't know the etiquette of picking these up if you find them "in the wild," I had only heard of people offering them to others. And who knows, maybe someone else who passes by needs Him more than I do. 

But it was a nice little.....if I can say it? *Easter* egg for my day. 

I also taught lab this afternoon; the last few violets were out and I got a decent photo of one while the students were trying to catch insects for our samples

 

what a week

 Yes, I know:

 But it's been A Week. And if you count the incidents since last Wednesday.....

 The most recent ones: 

- a delegation was sent to speak with the parents (one is a stepparent) of the difficult person. The hope was they'd be told "oh no, it sounds like they went off their meds again, we'll try to step in" BUT now it looks increasingly like it isn't a "meds" situation, it is "this person's parents are like this too and they learned to act like this* from them" and so there's no good resolution going to happen

(*acting like the victim in every encounter while at the same time being deeply unpleasant to other people trying to help them)

So there's really no fixing the problem.

People are so disappointing and heartbreaking.

- Got an e-mail late in the day yesterday (fortunately did not see it before I left campus) where a student disclosed to me sexual abuse (recent) at the hand of a relative. I am a required reporter. I have no choice in the matter; it has to be reported to a couple offices here. The biggest thing is that the student reported that the perpetrator is disagreeable and can get violent when confronted.

So, I took a deep breath and e-mailed the student explaining that I HAD to report it, there was no two ways around it*

And with the help of a colleague who had done it before, I got the details submitted. I haven't heard anything back yet; maybe I won't. I hope nothing bad happens to the student as a result. 

It is an upsetting and horrible thing now (maybe always has been) that doing the right thing makes you feel worried and bad.

(*I abide by laws. Depending on what laws may come down the pike that COULD change; for example, if I were told to submit the names of students "not born in the US" I would not - not only do I not know unless they tell me, but I am not going to hazard a guess based on things like accent. After all, Lawrence Welk grew up in one of the Dakotas but sounded German) 

And I know; someone told me that "it speaks well of you that the student trusted you enough to disclose this to you" but still. I wish none of it had happened

***

I was driving back to my office yesterday after teaching my morning classes and the thought popped into  my mind: "you'll never be able to go to the JoAnn's near you again, you'll never be able to wander the aisles looking at craft supplies" and I was just so deeply sad again.

And if Michael's goes? Not much left. And as I said before: I doubt in the current economy that there will be craft stores starting up again. Maybe online. But online ordering only takes you so far, and you can't use it as a way to get AWAY from home or from work to just go to a neutral third place where I felt welcome. I'm not even sure what there will be for me in the future; it's like nowhere wants to appeal TO ME and I get it, I'm a woman and I don't have tons of money or kids or a spouse so I don't matter. But I wish there were at least the illusion somewhere I did.

*** 

I keep seeing snarky comments or snarky discussion of stuff online and I wish we could grow past snark. That kind of surficial attitude towards everything, where everything is worthy of being mocked and made small, hurts my heart. There should be some things that are still important; some things we should still be earnest and serious about. 

And also deriding people for the small comforts in their lives, calling it "cringe" or whatever.....Life is hard. Life is so terribly hard right now. Let people have a little comfort if it's not hurting anyone. Let people watch tv shows you think are silly, or do hobbies you find pointless, or "waste" their time re-reading books that immerse them for a few minutes in a nicer world than this.

I honestly  don't know why our society thinks being that "over it all" sixteen year old, or that supercilious college sophomore who thinks they're smarter and cooler than everyone else is such a thing to be striven for.

Our goal, frankly, should be to be kind to others. Or at the very least, to leave them alone. 

***

I don't know. My lab for today is done, I technically don't have office hours. I have to finish my lunch and try to do a little research reading but I might knock off early just to get home a little earlier and maybe, I don't know, just watch cartoons and try to knit. 

I did get more done- not quite to the heel flap but within a couple rows -  on those multi socks using the "Griswold Family Christmas Tree" yarn.

I still want to start new projects but I need to work on the things I have going currently 

***

I can tell something in my emotions are raw right now, someone responded rudely (not directly to me; about the concept I was quoting) online to something and I just recoiled.  I know I have always been "too sensitive" but some days it's worse, some days all I want is a little comfort and maybe something equivalent to  a headpat, but of course the world isn't in the business of doling those out even when you need them. 

 

I'm afraid I'm going to cry at Maundy Thursday service; and I'm one of the leaders of it. Holy Week is hitting really hard/differently/making me think about all the evil in the world this year and it's honestly a little tough to bear.    

Another little adventure

 So Sunday, after I got home from church and lunch, I was sitting in my chair and my lamp started flickering. I groused to myself about "cheaply made lamps, only thing I can get locally, will probably have to replace it"

 I didn't notice other lights flickering (come to think of it, it was probably early enough the fairy lights I have strung up over the entryway weren't on yet). But then I went into the bathroom and that light flickered. 

This always makes me anxious - older house even though the wiring was updated before I bought it, but also I had that issue last May, about the tree coming down and damaging the electrical box, and at first my only clue was flickering lights. So I went back to my sewing room to be sure nothing had come down on the line.

Then I head a bunch of rapid fire pops. At first I thought it was someone shooting off little firecrackers, it sounded like that. But I went out back anyway to get a better look.

And then, out there, I saw it: when the wind was blowing, a tree right at the corner of my lot and a neighbor's (and out in the alley, which I don't own) was touching one of the smaller lines and making it arc. At first I didn't believe what I was seeing but then it registered and I ran back in my house, shut down every electrical thing I could, and called O G and E.

O G and E is pretty good, at least in my region, and when I finally did get through to a person I described what was wrong. I admit I was a little flustered because....well, an arcing power line is scary. She said she'd get someone out as quickly as they safely could get there and took my contact information in case they needed to call me. 

And then I debated - was that a polite "we'll get to it during business hours on Monday" or a genuine "we have guys in the area but they're clearing up another job, just be a little patient"

I needed to do a workout (if I skip more than one day, arthritis kicks in) but I also worried he'd knock on my door and I'd have only my crummy sports bra and short-shorts on. So I did put a simple loose sacky t-shirt dress nearby so I could pop that on. (As it turned out, I didn't need it). Went and did the workout. Sat down after and realized the lights on the modem and router were off - the power had been turned off.

And yeah, there was a service truck out in  the alley. So they were on it.

I watched for a while - guy went up in a bucket and cut branches. I guess that the power being turned out was for that - he needed to be safe (and yeah, he bumped the lines once or twice while moving the big cutter around, so it's good he had the power off)

It took a while. So I got bored and went back and sat. I was able to dink around on my phone just using bars (and that tells me I can still use Pandora without wifi here, because the power was already out when I was working out). Eventually though there was a big click, and my CO detector beeped and I heard the dvd player kick on....and the power was back. And gradually the modem cycled through back to life. And I put the AC back on (it's been in the upper 80s and humid here) 

A few minutes later the O G and E guy phoned me - he wanted to be sure my power was back. I told him yes, and thanked him for his effort - I was glad how quickly they got out and dealt with is, as I said, the arcing was scary to see, and we're supposed to get even more wind later this week. 

Driving home after CWF tonight I peeked down the alley - the guy removed all the branches he cut (I think they're supposed to do that anyway) so it's all fixed

Long week over

 * Didn't get a lot of time to knit this week, outside of while proctoring exams. Either there were upsets and problems or evening meetings. 

* I'm picking away at the various books. I picked up a mystery book I thought I hadn't read ("Weekend at Thrackley" - one of those vintage mysteries from some time in the 30s). Turns out I had, partway through (when I hit the antagonist's "jewel cave" part) I realized I had. But I kept going, sometimes it's too much in the evening to read "The Poison Squad" (about how we got all the food safety laws, some of which are doubtless being repealed now) and sometimes you just want the escape of an entertaining novel. 

I am still reading on the Witches series by Pratchett but sometimes that even feels a little fraught. 

* 12 measles cases reported in my state. In every case the individual was either unvaccinated or "status unknown" - no one reporting one or two doses was infected. We'll see if that holds. I've had three doses (two as a child even though my age cohort largely only got one dose, I got a second dose when my brother got his first because the pediatrician we went to at the time said he didn't believe a single dose would be effective.. And I got a third dose when we couldn't find my records when I started grad school). But if a fourth dose seems advisable, I guess I'll go get it. I might if, for example, cases show up on campus. I have no idea if there's a vaccine requirement here or not. (There was for grad school in Illinois, for example. And the public schools when I was a kid had pretty strict vaccine requirements). 

Lots of things now seem frankly kind of stupid. I'm only one generation removed from when measles was common and widespread - my mom had a bad case that wiped out one of her schoolgirl summers, and I think my dad must have had them. The vaccine came out in the early 60s, not that long ago....

I guess we have to refight old battles of many kinds once the first-hand witnesses are gone, or don't talk about their experience. 

* I'm back to putting on Bluey re-runs as a comfort show thing - the kindness of the characters to each other (like: how kind Rusty is to new-kid Jack, where Jack is implied to have ADHD or some other learning disability. And Rusty just....he looks at Jack and goes "here's a new friend" and plays with him. I've said several times I wish the kids I went to school with had been as nice as the "kids" portrayed on the show). 

It also has nice music even if you just have it on in the background. What I refer to as "friendly noise" is something I need when I'm home alone - I use a lot of the "lofi streaming" channels online too, that's something that doesn't require attention but it's pleasant enough and it covers up the silence (and the creaks and crackles of an old house).

* A weird thing I noticed though - I was half watching something on tv and listening to music, and then I thought I smelled something.....and I hit mute and turned off the music so I could smell better. I suppose what it was that I wanted to focus my concentration but that struck me as odd when I thought about it later on. 

(I thought I was getting a hint of a smoky smell, and in an old house you always worry. But I think what it was was some vehicle passing outside that was poorly tuned)

* I would like to go out to Albertson's tomorrow for groceries BUT I'm not sure I want to go back out on 69/75 just yet (and apparently again today they were shut down for a while) and also, I have zoom knitting, so I don't want to be late after missing it a couple times. I guess I'll shop locally but I admit I often run out of ideas of what to fix. I need things I can fix quickly and that are nutritious but also don't have any of my allergens in them, and that gets hard. I admit some days I consider those meal replacement things but that feels too much like giving up. 

*I keep feeling like I want to start new projects, but I have so many things tucked away places that I have to continue to work on and finish. I pulled out those brown-and-multi socks ("Griswold Family Christmas Tree") to work on them but I didn't feel like I had the energy tonight (I got home around 4:30 pm after spending the entire afternoon grading, and then I had to do a workout)

quite a week

 Well, one thing: I got some more done on the sweater vest (gave two exams this week)

 But other than that, it's been a weird and stressful week. Or at least a weird and stressful Wednesday.

I taught a field lab on Wednesday. 

Going over to pick up the van, I got out of my car in the lot and looked down. I saw what looked like a folded-up bill. I saw a "100" on it and was like "no, that can't be. I seem to remember seeing how some rather conservative Christian group used to have tracts that were printed to superficially look like bills so people would pick them up" and then I thought "or maybe it's an ad or a fake"

But I picked it up and it looked legit.

And this is where all my childhood Sunday school training kicked in: "This was probably important to someone. It might even be part of someone's rent or something similarly essential. You better turn it in in case someone comes looking"

The good news was that the motor pool is also the campus police department. The not so great news was I had limited time to get the van, get back to my office, quick eat lunch, and grab the equipment before the students showed up.

But I did bring it to the officer on duty, explaining that both (a) I didn't know if it was counterfeit or not because I literally found it on the ground and (b) maybe someone was desperately looking for it.

He checked it out: it was real. So he took my description of where I found it, and he wrote down the serial number, and he had me sign an affadavit of where I found it. And I stood there, thinking: next, he'll ask for my contact information, in case no one claims it, so they can have me come pick it up. At least, that's how I THOUGHT things worked. 

But nope! Apparently because it was  found on state property, if it went unclaimed.....it goes into the campus' general fund.

Yeah. Great. No good deed goes rewarded, I guess, or something. I mean, I suppose I did the right thing. And I really, really hope some panicked student - or the head of the Church of Christ campus ministry, which was right next door and had got it as a donation - came in asking if someone turned it in. Because "general fund" will probably mean it goes to athletics, or some tchotcke for an admin's office, and not actually to help on campus. 

And yeah, I bitterly thought of how if I had kept it, no one but me would have known, and I would have been $100 richer. 

Oh well.. I guess I did the RIGHT thing, for all that was worth.

Sometimes it does feel like following the ethics I was taught as a kid is a chump's and a fool's game.

Anyway. I gathered up the students. Several of them lived in Denison and asked to drive themselves (it's closer to go straight home there from the field) so I wound up with only three in the 15-passenger van.

We got out and did the stuff, got off a little late.....and then, the road going back out to the main road was blocked by a parked train. (By federal law they are not supposed to block intersections, but around here it happened). So I turned around and said I knew another way. But. When I got out to the road that would take us to the main road, I got turned around and wound up getting closer to the interstate. 

"Okay, hang on" I said "I don't like taking these things (the fifteen passenger vans) out on the interstate, but it'll just be a few miles and we'll be back to campus"

Famous last words. We got on fine, and drove for a bit.....and then came upon stopped traffic. At first I thought "ugh, rush hour" (it was a bit before 3).

Nope. There must have been an accident up ahead. We sat. And crept forward. And sat more. It was stop and go for almost an hour. We were SUPPOSED to be back at 3. The only saving grace was no one in the van had class or work (I think a couple of the Denison folks had work at 4 pm). One of the guys in the van said anxiously "if it's possible to get off for a restroom soon...." (later he revealed to me he had a medical issue where he....needed to have access to a restroom periodically). Finally the jam cleared - I couldn't see any clear evidence of an accident other than some cop cars and an ambulance sitting around - and I was able to pull off and get to a gas station for the student. 

And then we slowly worked our way into town and back to campus. I finally returned the van around 4:30. I was SUPPOSED to gas it up, but they didn't give me all the stuff I needed to buy gas on the campus' dime, so the person on duty told me to just bring it back, they'd have an intern go get gas. 

I got home around 5. 

And then I have elder's meeting and board meeting at church, and without giving much detail....we have a tenant in our few small lower-rent apartments who has been causing major problems, and it involved figuring out some boilerplate for the next round of leases AND ALSO seeing if a relative of theirs could be enlisted to help deal with their increasingly erratic behavior, but it's really honestly a very difficult and sad situation. (And reminds me that the claim of "make passive income by renting property" is largely a lie; you have all kinds of headaches as a landlord that I would not want)

So it was late when I got home, and even later when I got to bed because I had to wash the pollen from the field out of my hair and wait for it to dry.

 

So I got up this morning, really apprehensive about my dental check up today. At the best of times these things make me nervous - I don't like the sonicator, and I don't like having metal instruments in my mouth. But this time, I figured, the way my luck had gone, I'd probably turn up at least a couple cavities, and while it's rare they can handle them on the same day, I'd still have it hanging over my head.

But nope, I guess my luck had changed or my good dental hygiene paid off, nothing was wrong on the x-rays and nothing found when the dentist checked my teeth and gums (and he looked really carefully inside my lips; I guess they're getting more careful about looking for oral cancers even though I'd be at low risk as a non-tobacco user and someone who doesn't drink alcohol). So I just had to go through the cleaning (which I don't love either) and being sonicated, though it wasn't as bad this time as it is sometimes; I seemed to have less tartar. 

So at any rate: I'm kind of exhausted. One more day this week....

socks and frustration

 I've been working a little more on the "wood pigeon" colored socks. This is a West Yorkshire Spinner's colorway; I think I actually have most of the "bird" colorways but haven't knit most of them up yet. (I did make the Kingfisher one into socks as part of my mom's Christmas present.

I like this one. The colors are more muted than in many of these self patterning yarns - purples and purplish greys

 So those are good. (I also found the colorway called Blue Tit, which yes, I know I'm 12 inside, but I always giggle a little at that. Maybe I knit those up soon).

....And then the frustration. This was a Guardian story today. I admit I didn't read the whole thing, I noped out when I saw that a lot of Those Guys think "evolutionary psychology" is the new explains-everything theory. I am old enough to remember when the proto-versions of those guys were talking about "sociobiology" in the same way, back when I was in grad school, and I thought it was bunk then. And I realize now: it was the same tired old "blame women for men's woes" thing, because one of the tenets was "women do the choosing in selecting mates and those hussies don't know what's good for them" or similar. Now, granted: sexual selection does seem to play a role IN SONGBIRDS but humans aren't songbirds, not remotely so.

At any rate, I find it deeply tiresome.

But basically, the article in question  is about Elon Musk and people even worse than him (yes, there are a few, I think, but perhaps poised to do less damage because they're not quite richer than God at this point). And my biggest frustration/sadness/ complaint is his apparent belief that "empathy is a sin" and that societies can be "suicidally empathetic" by "caring too much.

And I have a couple of thoughts on this.

 First: if you brand things like empathy a "sin," it means that you are then absolved forever from having to feel it or show it. You can go on your own selfish way, and in fact, feel rather morally superior that you're not down in the mire with hoi polloi who feel that gross empathy for other humans. 

Some people are apparently even trying, somehow, to graft it on to the language of Christianity, which infuriates me. (And of course then over at Metafilter, where I saw it linked, several people took that as license to say "oh look, I knew it, every Christian is rotten all through" and I really wonder if they'd feel comfortable saying that if this bogus philosophy were being grafted onto some minority faith instead....)

And yes, I'm deeply upset at how some people are twisting the faith I was raised in - the thing that has given me tremendous comfort in life while also pushing me to be a better person, and which at times gave me one of the few places I felt welcome, and makes me worry: what if I lose this, too? What if this evil philosophy is all that remains as the small churches wink out over time? Then what?

But the other thing, it's antithetical to something I've learned as an adult, and something I've really felt since the pandemic:

The only thing we have of meaning, the only thing that lasts, the only thing that really matters, are our relationships with other people and how we treat them. You'd think after the isolation of the pandemic more people would realize that but....it seems like rather, a lot of people have forgotten it. (Or maybe most people didn't take the "isolation" as seriously as I did, and didn't go weeks and weeks without human contact?)

But anyway: how we treated people may be the only thing of us that lasts on this earth after we're gone. People at church STILL talk about kind people who were members who passed away 20 or more years ago! Their deeds live on, how they treated people still matters. 

And it disgusts but also frightens me that people are trying to drive all of that away by deeming kindness and empathy bad. We won't have a civilization if we extinguish that.

And I don't know what do do about it, other than "keep on keepin' on" in my own life, but I feel like me, being kind - maybe being a voice crying in the wilderness - won't help much in the face of powerful men with the seductive message of "you really only need to care about yourself, just scrape everyone else off" And I worry what the future world I live in may be.... I hope these articles are overblown, or I hope the proponents of what I'd call "radical selfishness" either (ideally) learn and change their ways, or failing that, have short lives and are then forgotten. But I don't know. Some days it really feels now like The Golden Rule has been changed to "he who has the gold, makes the rules" and I don't know that we can push back against it. And it's all very discouraging and discombobulating right now - discombobulating because I KNOW IN MY HEART more than I know almost anything that caring about other people and helping when you can is the RIGHT thing, and the thing we should be doing. And yet, I see people like that being trodden down and walked over and having their rights violated by selfish, rich (mostly-) men. And again, the old spiritual words: "this world is not my home" ring in my ears.....but I'm stuck living here until I don't anymore, and so I struggle to make sense of it all and try to reconcile what's in my heart with what I see....and it makes me sad.

I guess I believe too much in fairy tales; if this were like a fairy tale we would see some casting down of the proud at this point, and raising up of the humble (I don't count myself necessarily in either group, for what it's worth). But that's not happening and.....maybe some of the early Christians were right, and this world is just a fallen, evil place, and the less you engage with it the better?

It is very hard to know how to live right now.