Another long week

 Hoping to get some knitting in once I complete piano practice and eat.

* I did schedule my covid booster for tomorrow after class. I am really hoping I DON'T have a strong reaction and could maybe run to JoAnn's just for fun tomorrow (Also I need to get to Target some time again). I did stock up on food yesterday afternoon locally in case I don't feel up to going out. 

I mean, yeah I get that it's really important and also to work my flu shot and second shingles shot in I have to get this one now, but I will admit I resent that my life is such that I may wind up giving up some of my limited free time for something like feeling lousy after a shot.

I don't even have anyone around to tell me I'm a "poor baby" and offer to make food for me! I just have to keep on trucking no matter how bad I feel!

* I didn't feel good yesterday. I tweaked my knee somehow or something (or it was the extreme humidity, or walking on rough terrain to teach lab yesterday, or who knows what) and when I got home I was REALLY hurting. And emotionally I needed comfort, it was just a hard day and I found out we still don't know where I can store my ecology lab stuff so I can't start slowly moving it over to whereever it will need to go; I'll have to do it later. And I did go to wal-mart, I needed a couple things there that I can't get elsewhere and it was really unpleasant (loud pushy people, a couple having an argument, the line I got in to do self-checkout shutting down fully when the woman ahead of me had a problem....)

So I needed comfort, both physical and emotional

those are a couple more recent stuffies. Socks and Muffin Heeler (the baby cousins of Bluey and Bingo) are sitting on the tea towel that's wrapping the ice pack I had and a "baby Garfield" (apparently there's some new movie, and I certainly won't go but the stuffie is cute and he is very soft, so)

I felt some better today. But there just is too much in the world right now that's distressing and aggravating.

* Part of the reason I had to make the trek out there was I volunteered to bring snacks for the grief support group the minister runs. Most of us don't attend (don't have recent grief and I think I've recovered as much as I will from losing my dad) but we do support it by providing snacks. (I got fruit and a cheese plate; he had mentioned to me one of the members was diabetic because he knows I like to bake, as a gentle hint). At least I was able to drop that off last night, saving me from doing it today

* I didn't get home today until 5 (after being up on campus before 8) because I wrote an exam for next week and also had to prepare conditional probability and Bayes' theorem for tomorrow, and those are always hard; conditional probability kind of breaks my brain so I have to have it really well written out in my notes so I don't mess it up.

* Still really wanting to start a new project but also telling myself I have like ten projects in various stages of completion.

I wish there were something nice and absorbing on tv tonight (instead of re-runs or "game shows at night" or "Big Brother" - does anyone actually LIKE that or is it just so cheap to make they keep showing it like three nights a week?).

Maybe I just see if there's something on BBC Radio 4 - I have the app on my phone and can listen.

It's easier for me to work on the "boring" things (like the all garter stitch blanket) if I have something else to pay attention to; lace is better when I'm not tired and also don't want to concentrate on something else.

*I am reserving the right to get a pizza or bbq carry out tomorrow night depending on how I feel after the vaccination.

Tuesday evening things

 * Working more on the dragon's breath socks tonight. I really want to start something new but I also want to get a couple projects finished up first, I have too many half-finished things. 

* The abdominal thing was almost certainly a virus; I woke up this morning feeling totally better. I was still having a little pain in my side yesterday and a little indigestion, and I was really afraid it was gallbladder but I kept telling myself it would be getting progressively worse if it was, and I have none of the other symptoms. I think also just muscles being out of whack from walking funny contributed.

Alternatively: it could be an ongoing menopause thing; I know that can take years. I did have some brain fog (didn't realize it) while I was hurting, and that has lifted. 

* Got my first stats test written today. I do multiple forms for the take home one so that takes considerable work. 

* I need to decide to schedule my COVID booster. Part of me rebels against doing it this Friday; this is the first Saturday in a while I would have time to go do something fun, or even just to go to a larger, nicer grocery store than what we have locally. 

Oh, I'll probably still do it; but if I do feel okay Saturday (I did after the last booster), I might still go

One of the frustrating things about being a too-responsible adult is that you have to schedule stuff like this for over your weekend - I don't want to miss work (even though I never take a sick day). 

The one thing though - I'm scheduled to elder this Sunday; I could beg off and have someone substitute if I feel unwell, but that might tip me over into going "meh, I'll do it NEXT weekend."

I also have to get the flu shot. I'm on the fence about getting them together; I know they recommend that (largely because they don't think people will come back for a second shot) but I don't like the possibility of a double-dose of immune response to deal with. (I normally only ever get a sore arm with the flu shot, though). 

In mid October I have to get my second shingles shot; I'm going to schedule THAT for the Thursday afternoon after my Friday mid-fall break - assuming I will feel unwell and yes, giving up YET ANOTHER day off I might do something fun. Which yes, I do kind of resent, but it's probably better than missing class time. 

I might resent it less if I had someone to take care of me, so I didn't have to drag my own self to the kitchen and try to figure out something I have the energy to fix to eat. But oh well.

* It's still very hot and dry here; I have to remember later this week to start watering my leaf pile so I can do the soil invertebrates lab with my students next week. It's frustrating because it's SUPPOSED to be cooler and rainier by now and it's a drag to have weather that never changes. 

* Slowly trying to get to the finish of "Death on the Cherwell" but a lot of nights by the time I get into bed to read I'm so tired I only get a few pages read before I decide I have to sleep. I do enjoy these vintage British mysteries; they're not as simplistically written as some of the modern potboilers or "airport books" but they are also less complicated than more literary novels. I do want to get back to Blackout but sometimes it makes me anxious or sad because it is characters I've come to like who are in at least mild peril. It will probably work out fine in the end based on some textual hints and a direct comment by a character. And the fact that there's a second book, called All Clear, that finishes the story. 

* Lots of dumb stuff going on, both in my state and nationally. You've doubtless heard of the bad stuff in Springfield Ohio, where Haitian immigrant families - who came here originally to escape bad conditions at home - are being harassed because of lies and rumors. 

Locally - following the shooting in Georgia - there were first cancellations of some schools for a day. This is because some fool posted on social media "threats" (apparently entirely false) against some schools in Georgia - and some of the town names are the same as town names here (or rather: our town names are the same as theirs) because many of the people who settled here in the early days were originally from Georgia and Alabama. But some folks thought these threats were for here, and a couple schools in the region shut down for a day. And now, parents are apparently scared, either from this or other stuff going on (???) that they're keeping their kids home (to be fair: I think there have been a couple local threats on social media). 

And it's frustrating. For one thing: I see how underprepared some of our incoming first-years are, after having their earlier education disrupted by the pandemic. And for another - well, some of my older students are parents themselves, and they sometimes have to scramble for childcare if the schools aren't open. And it's all so stupid and so silly and I would think of we could agree on ONE thing as a society, it's that kids should feel safe and should be able to go to school. It really does feel sometimes like everything is breaking and failing and I have to deal with some of the fallout and yet I have no power or skill or authority to do anything to fix it, and it's a very helpless feeling (and I also have to do things like try to catch up students who've had to stay home with kids home from school, or try to help bring the underprepared students up to level). And this kind of thing, constantly, burns a person out, especially after we all lived through a pandemic (and yes, for some, it's still going on. I am not immunocompromised nor do I live with someone who is, so I can pretty much go and do things without fearing I'll directly lead to someone's death if I happen to get exposed (and also, I am as vaccinated as I can be). 

I don't know. I just wish things would get better. I wish things would just work out for good.

One task finished

 Every fall, we have to do a development plan/personal review. (Every three years we do a big summary of the previous three years). It is kind of a lot of work but I'm at the point where I kind of just keep the previous year's stuff (mostly) and add or change things that have changed. Saturday when I went in to work I wrote most of the narrative; all it lacked were the summaries of the teaching evaluations.

That is my least favorite part. I tend to take the criticism personally - I remember the negative comments even though they are fewer than the positive ones, and I fret when I'm not up close to "5/5" on the averages. 

But this afternoon, I buckled down and did it. Got some nice comments (which I included) from fall, including "this was a hard class but I learned a lot" which is good, because that means that I'm teaching well but also have good rigor.

The spring evaluations - well, two of the classes were very small and there weren't enough responses (this is a perennial problem with the online evaluations, getting people to do it. I sometimes take class time to do it but I just forgot this spring). The third class the scores were low. There were some positive comments, though.  

And now I'm wondering if I just taught worse this spring because I was in pain a lot of the time - I had to use crutches at first, and then the cane for the rest of the semester - I only really got rid of it in May. (I still keep it in my car just in case though I've not needed it). 

Still, I don't like self-evaluation; I can always see where I am lacking.

This weekend I mostly worked on the "Ruggles Reversible Scarf" I'm making out of one of those color-shifting yarns

It had just shifted from green and pink, to green and a pinkish purple, to green and a more blue purple, and then tan and purple:

 This is an older pattern, back from the days of Woolworks online in the late 1990s.. I grabbed the pattern off of the wayback machine (It may also be in the knitlist archives, if they still exist). 

I don't know. I like the patterns that are reminders of the earlier days of knitting for me, when I had first just got back into knitting. 

Also, Knitty (I am a "patron") is doing an issue that has the 20th anniversary of the Clapotis scarf in it. It's amazing - I remember when the magazine started (it is a bit older than 20 years now). I have several Clapotis I have knit over the years, and again, it's in some ways a reminder of an earlier, happier time, when we were still innocent of things like COVID. 

I worked a bit more on the scarf above tonight; I was tempted to start something new - dug out some super bulky weight and a pattern for a "boyfriend style" striped cardigan. I figure even if it's not *great* (the yarn is two shades of sort of a greyish green), it will still be quick and should work like a coat-sweater for some of our cooler days. I might start that tomorrow.

I also did the first set of PT exercises since before i started feeling sick; now I wonder if some of the residual muscle discomfort I had was from *not* doing those. It's mildly annoying that I'm now at the age where I have to do specific, planned (and timeconsuming) stretches in order to avoid having pain; I remember when I was younger sport was something you did where you risked hurting afterward from overexertion.

And feeling grateful...

 * this week is over. It felt like it was eons long

* the stomach issue I had was apparently either a little virus, food poisoning of some kind, or allergic overload. Yesterday was the worst day and at one point I was wondering "could my gall bladder be going bad, or could I be developing appendicitis" (the pain moved around). Also had really bad muscle aches and soreness all through my back.  Today I'm better. Not 100% better, but better enough to be able to eat more or less normally again.

* I got my research thing done even though on Tuesday I was starting with the whatever-it-was, and today I took down the extractions

* First two exams done and graded

* As a result, most of the knitting I did this week was during the exams, and it was adding more rows to the plain-stockinette part of the Moon Moth pullover. I have to get 78 rounds done before I start the colorwork; I'm on about round 20 now. 

* Meetings are over for the month so next week I get my evenings at home. (It seems like in the summer when nothing is happening, I feel lonely and wish I had something, and then when the meetings start back up, it's like 'whoa I wish I could have one night at home to myself')

* Got the sheets changed on the bed. I had put the shark ones on before which were "microfiber" and were warmer; we're supposed to get (sigh) another period of hot weather so I wanted to change them to the plain cotton ones that breathe better. 

* Found a birthday present for my niece (and floated the idea to my mom of NOT sending gifts for birthdays to either of her parents; they've skipped getting me something for two years in a row now and I am taking that as either I don't matter enough to be considered, or they really don't want to exchange gifts. It makes me sad; I do like giving and getting gifts but with no reciprocation it's a little sad. And I think they make more money than I do....) I will still buy her gifts though, at least until she's 18. 

* I was able to help my newest colleague; she had a minor issue with a student where her confronting them directly might not be the best (it's an issue potentially of the student's health/wellbeing) and I was able to tell her we had a person on campus who could help with that; there's a form you can fill out online and then they contact the student and either talk with them, or if necessary, arrange a meeting with the student, the faculty member, and them as a neutral third party.

* A book I pre-ordered (a knitting pattern book) is finally out and on its way to me from Bookshop.

Seems to fit

 I took this test.

Now, I have to offer a disclaimer: I never played D&D, never really got the chance. I would now if I knew of a welcoming group (that wouldn't roll their eyes over a fifty-something woman who had never played taking part). 

So I answered as honestly as I could ("I am a beacon of light to those around me"? What? I can't answer that, I'd have to have someone else tell me that). But yeah: hate dishonestly, hate lying, want to feel like there's some greater good I'm serving....

So you can probably guess:

to paraphrase Lizzo, I took a D&D test and it turns out I am 100% That Paladin:

Yes, I also scored high for Wizard and Ranger but I'm claiming Paladin, based on what I've read about them. (I would like to be the kind that can use their faith/strength/whatever it is to heal the wounded. I wouldn't want to be in direct combat; I would not like killing things, but I would want to save or heal my own comrades).

I'll also note that it's hard having Paladin personality traits in a world that seems to reward Rogue personality traits. 

And yes, part of me cringes at declaring myself a Paladin; I am not that good, I have the same selfish impulses as everyone else. I like my comforts and I very easily get tired of being asked to do supportive things for seemingly EVERYONE while at the same time getting what feels like little myself - I have been dealing with some first-year students who are VERY first-year in the sense of needing a lot more guidance and emotional support and stuff, and......a  lot of days I don't really get emotional support myself, and it's hard for me to do it for my own self especially when I'm tired from doing it for seemingly everyone else.

A tired Paladin, maybe. Or one that does the things in spite of what they really want. 

past is past

 Yeah, I was reminded today that 23 years ago, I didn't QUITE yet own the house I live in, I was still in the same office as I work in now. And that we all spent the day worried, freaked out, sad, and angry.

It's funny, though. I don't think about it in the same way as I did in past years. For one thing: teaching college does that. I realized this morning none of my students have memories of September 11th; they were either not born yet or the few slightly older ones I have were babies or children.

And I've hit the point of thinking about it sort of like I think about Pearl Harbor: it's something that happened, it was bad, it led us into doing things we should regret (interning Japanese-Americans; all the anti-Muslim hate when Islam is an enormous religion with lots of variation - my dad had some Muslim friends who were here because they liked the greater freedom here, and didn't like the leadership in their home country)

But of course other things came out. I could have lived more happily without learning of "the falling man" (as he came to be termed). And knowing some of the details of WHY they used DNA fingerprinting (kind of in its infancy then) to identify some remains. And just thinking about the people on the planes. I hate the thought of some folks last thoughts being ones of fear.

But I admit later events have changed my thinking.

Like 2020.

There were weeks when a Twin Towers'-worth of people were dying of COVID. I lost a cousin (I mentioned this before) where he died on a gurney in a hospital hallway because the hospital was already so overwhelmed. Lost a family friend because he caught it while getting leukemia treatment. Saw how little some folks in my region cared when they were asked to limit trips out or at least wear a mask, and later, to take vaccines for public health as well as to protect themselves. (And it makes me angrier* when I think of how I strove to shop for groceries only once every 10 or 14 days, and rationed the milk I could get, and ate lots of stuff out of cans, and did without what I REALLY wanted a lot. And was incredibly, incredibly alone, to the point of wondering if I wanted to even keep going)

 

(*I shouldn't be angry; I can only control my own behavior.)

I don't know. I guess you live long enough, you just see a lot of stuff, but between this and all the petty wars and COVID and the numerous school/house of worship/shopping center massacres - I feel like I've seen ENOUGH stuff, at least enough bad stuff. And I would very much like to see some GOOD stuff. 

Yes, getting the COVID vaccines available in a miraculously short time was good stuff. 

But as someone commented at Board Meeting tonight, how she remembered everyone coming together on September 12, 2001 - I realized - nothing has brought us together. COVID drove us further apart, all the craziness* surrounding the LAST transfer of power from one president to the next drove us farther apart.....and I wonder if we've passed a point as a people where we can agree on even important things. 

(*euphemizing, not saying what I really want to say)

And it makes me sad. 

I think of one of the KnitLit books where a woman who worked as a flight attendant was written about, with the footnote that she was on one of the planes (that was how we said it for years: "they were on one of the planes" and everyone knew what was meant). And how some folks found their way into knit shops right afterward, looking for the comfort of something tactile.

(And no: knitting's big resurgence didn't happen then; it had already started)

And I do worry now that knitting is going away again - dyers and factories closing down; magazines have largely folded; there are almost no new pattern books coming out. We're all too busy, I guess, or we're all too tired, or in people like me, COVID broke something in us - I make things far less now, and some days it's hard for me to even get myself to practice piano. I do admit more days now I have a feeling of "what's the point, really?'

And I remember in the after math of September 11, I cast on a new project, which ultimately became a scarf I gave my dad for Christmas that year - I made EVERYONE'S gifts that year, feeling like life was short and a good way to show people you love them is with something handmade.  

Maybe it still is. But I have fewer people now to make gifts for, and realized a few people I MIGHT don't seem to appreciate them. 

I don't know. Maybe some day I'll find the spark again. I keep hoping. But four years is a long time; I know I bounced back from the shock and sadness all those years ago much faster. Maybe 2020 did sour me on human nature in a way that 2001 did not.

Tuesday three things

 * Even though I'm either fighting a bit of gastritis (maybe after  a mild virus?) or I got ahold of something at the two salad-suppers I attended that set off my food intolerances), I did go out to the field site and got my soil.

I doubt I'll find much in it. It was VERY dry - we haven't had much rain - and also the Corps has been out mowing so they mowed down the taller vegetation on one of my sample sites.

Not much was flowering out there because of the dryness.

I'm fairly sure this is Grindellia squarrosa or curlycup gumweed:

 But at least I did get it done, with enough time to shower before my evening meeting tonight. (I have another one tomorrow night)

* I'm knitting a bit more on the Dragon's Breath socks. Here's a photo showing the yarn and also a bit of the lace pattern:

I'm glad that these worked out; I was concerned I'd not be able to pick the pattern back up from where I left off. It's a waving lace pattern so getting it off by a stitch or so would be very noticeable. I'm about 11 rounds into the foot (usually these are somewhere on the order of 60 or 64, so I have a way to go)

* Not watching the debate. I have never voluntarily watched one (I may have, back when I was in school, when we were asked to for either American History or Social Studies). Anyway, I know how I am going to vote already and nothing would convince me to change that. If anything really big happens I'll hear about it tomorrow. 

Instead, I watched a couple old (OLD - like from the first run in the 60s when it wasn't really regarded as a kids' show) episodes of The Flintstones and while it IS very much of its time, it's also not as terrible as I remembered it. In fact, there are some clever puns in it (a private detective named Perry Gunnite - who comes across a bit like Cary Grant rather than the Peter Gunn character he was apparently based on. Gunnite, despite the geologic name, is actually a human-made thing - a type of sprayed-on concrete, almost like a very heavy stucco) and the "dinosaurs or other mock-prehistoric animals repurposed to do household chores" is mildly amusing. There was also a brief reference to "ashtrays" in the one episode, which surprised me until I remembered that these were made in the 60s, when lots of people smoked, and it wasn't seen as something taboo if kids see it. 

(I have a Bluey episode on right now, but am going to bed early - I hurt a little from the fieldwork - it was hard on my knee - and I want to try to FINALLY finish reading "Death on the Cherwell" - I have to keep going back in it after taking a few days' break to read something else)

(And the Stickbird episode of Bluey has a nice bit - Bluey's friend Mia - who if I remember correctly was her "older kid friend assigned by the school" - taught her a thing, that when you're angry or upset you imagine yourself gathering it all up (from your chest and your stomach and "don't forget to check your ears") an then balling it up and throwing it far away. It does help, a little bit)

week of meetings

 yeah, so, I'll probably be a bit scarce. I have CWF tonight, pastor-parish committee tomorrow night, board meeting Wednesday night, somewhere in between that (maybe tomorrow afternoon) go get the next batch of samples.

I may also have had a touch of either a stomach virus or food poisoning (who knows any more, it seems like they're not even bothering with inspections any more given all the recalls you hear about) - upset stomach, pain I at first worried could be gallbladder* but has since resolved, loss of appetite, a little indigestion. It's gotten better so I'm trying not to worry about it (Also stress makes stomach issues worse in me, and it's been a stressful bit)

I did turn the heel and start the instep of the Dragon's Breath socks so I guess I will finish those. 

(*I always worry it's gallbladder; one of my uncles had to have his out. Then again, he was a vegetarian who subbed LOTS of cheese for meat and I try to moderate my diet more)

I am also dealing with some difficult and demanding people and it just makes it hard. I'm in one of my periodic holes of feeling like everyone expected everything from me right now and it's never good enough, but if I needed genuine help it might be hard to find.

And admit a little frustration at some first-year students, or maybe their parents, I don't know. Some of them may be playing up the helplessness so they don't have to do stuff but some may genuinely have been sent out unready into the world. I'm trying to strike a balance between being the "kind" we are asked to be these days (I remember when I was a student, if I asked a prof for some of these things I'd have gotten a cold stare and maybe a 'what are you, stupid?) and continuing to be the mama bird vomiting worms into the baby birds' mouths so that they never learn to feed themselves. 

I mean, yes, I don't really know what people have going on, and yes, "they had it hard during the pandemic" and yet, I did too? With very little help or support? And I am still here and still managing if somewhat damaged....

and an argh

 The AAUW salad supper is tonight. (And I have another one - CWF - Monday)

I planned to make the black bean and corn salad that I frequently make for these things. It's relatively simple, most people seem to like it, and if there are vegetarians/vegans at the get together, it's something that works with their diet.

It calls for jicama, which can be hard to find, and I can't think of anything to replace it - it's slightly crunchy but mild. Not sharp like raw turnip would be, not as sweet as apple - not like anything. (And I don't think you can eat potatoes raw? Or at least, they'd be gross).

I couldn't find one at Pruett's, but I did get the limes and green onions I needed there (which was perhaps smart as it turned out). Couldn't find one at Green Spray, which sometimes has them.

So after class and before lunch, I ran to wal mart

Which ultimately was a stupid idea and a mistake and I'm back to doing without it.

Oh, they had them. I bought one. Got home after  prepping for tomorrow's classes, set up to make the salad - first thing, dice up the jicama.

Cut it in half (My original plan was, use half in this, save the other half wrapped up in the fridge for Monday and make the same for CWF).

It was brown all through. Brown in the way that an apple gets brown after a worm's tunneled through it. I figured not only was it not appetizing (and there were no large enough parts free of the brown), but it might be unsafe (bacteria). 

I just stood there looking at it. I wanted to cry. It's been a HARD week, and I'm still staring down a dentist appointment tomorrow (and I had to kill a mouse in my house earlier this week, though now I have figured out how they get in and just need to figure out a way to put a grating over that particular vent that doesn't have one because it's under the sink vanity in the bathroom and it's an odd size). So I really needed this to work.

Finally, after cutting it up more to see if there was a good spot, I just threw it in the trash. No, I'm not driving the seven miles or whatever back to wal mart and waiting in line at customer service and maybe be treated rudely just to get $1.39 back. So wal-mart wins. 

(And I waited in line for a long time to check out - I finally went to a staffed lane as there were literally fifteen people stacked up at the self checkouts, even though I only had that and a couple cleaning supplies)

I didn't know what to do. As I said, there's literally nothing to substitute that is similar. I didn't have the time or, more importantly, the mental energy to think of a new salad to make (and probably nothing on hand)

So I decided: okay, maybe I use a SECOND bean. It will make up more "bulk" so there will be enough, if I use a different color it will give the contrast. It might be terrible or it might be okay. I don't know.

I used a can of garbanzo beans; they're a different color and a firmer texture so it might be okay. I'm still upset about it though and it is Not Right the way the salad is Supposed to be, so it likely won't taste as good to me as it might if it was how it was Supposed to be.

And I still have to figure out a salad for Monday unless I just do another darn three-bean type salad. 

***

also I stopped off to get an iced tea on the way home, because it was on the way. The app is still not taking orders, so I waited in the drive through (behind someone ordering like fifteen fussy drinks, but at that point there was no way I could safely pull out of line and just not order)

When I pulled up to pay, I commented (when the woman asked if I had a phone number for the app) that I would be "glad" when it got fixed so you could order through it again.

"Oh, it's not broken," she said "you just can't order"

Well, you used to be able to. So in my mind that's "broken" now. 

I don't know why it won't work here. I don't know if people gamed it or abused it somehow and they turned it off, or if their workers decided they didn't like it, or what, but it is frustrating. I've e-mailed the company asking for an explanation and frankly if there's none forthcoming, or they say "no, this location is never doing order online again" I just delete the app, because without that one function, all it is is a way for them to shove ads at me. 

GAH. everything feels broken. (They are also, for now, drive-through only, which tells me they don't have enough folks working there, probably like many places they don't pay well and/or have a slightly toxic culture) and it just feels to me like everything is harder and worse since the pandemic, and it just makes me sad.

In a moment I have to consider doing more piano practice, but no knitting today I think; I have to leave a bit after 6 because the place I need to go is far away and hard to find and it'll be too late when I get home.

Looking for comfort

 

Yeah. Been one of those weeks, and that was even BEFORE the latest news of the latest school shooting. I had several unproductive interactions, including one very demanding person who - as I said - wanted me to bend a rule for them that I cannot, even if I wanted to. (You are generally a demanding person? I don't do anything extra for you anyway).

Yesterday afternoon, before the mail arrived (it comes late the first day of the week it's delivered) I lit one of the scented candles I had (had to extinguish it not long after; I had forgotten that one had a very heavy scent). 

The stuff-in-the-mail helped. But I found I couldn't read on "Blackout" - it's to the point where all the time traveling historians are trying to get "home" (back to 2060 Oxford from 1940s England) and they can't find their "drops" (the place where the portal opens) or they find it and it WON'T open. And it's funny how I feel my OWN chest get tight, even though I know these are characters in a book and I assume that given there's a second volume AND it's Connie Willis, things will be made right.

And at one point, a kindly vicar (who could be a disguised time traveler himself, I'm not sure) tells the young woman calling herself Eileen that "everything will be right in the end"

And yes, that's a touchstone to hold to, I guess. I mean I suppose in an eschatological sense it will be, though I would like things to be more-right in the here and now. 

I am also weirdly reminded of something I experienced years and years and years ago - over 20 now, actually - when I went to Hot Springs on my fall break. I was walking up the "mountain" there ("West Mountain," I think?) and it was very early in the day. I passed a woman walking up there, an older woman (though she could have been no older than the age I am now) and she stopped at one of the scenic overlooks and looked out over everything and said "Everything is as it should be" to me and....it was sort of uncanny. That's why I remember it. I mean, most likely it was just a nice woman who lived in Hot Springs looking out over a nice fall day and feeling grateful for it, but ... in those days I was still enough of a believer in the mystical to wonder if it was some kind of a message. 

I read a bit of a book on what we know about the Mississippian era of early Indigenous culture but it was rather dry....I may have to dig out one of my lighter fantasy or counterfactual history books for a while.

 

Thursday night I have AAUW salad supper; Friday night one of my colleagues suggested a departmental "whoever wants to come" gettogether at a local restaurant. I did a bit more on the Ruggles Reversible Scarf tonight but I bet I don't get a lot of knitting in the rest of this week.

that's okay, I guess. but it does seem lately my days get eaten a lot by work stuff - it was after 5 when I got home today after leaving for campus at 7 (Grading, mostly)

Big mail day

 I had ordered a couple things (and one was a premium item, and another was a gift). They ALL came today. (I really prefer it when packages are spaced out, but I suppose it might be easier for the USPS folks)

Today was not a wonderful day. Some of the things I can't really talk about. But I dealt with a student who very much wanted me to break the rules for them and didn't want to accept that I could not and would not. It ate up an entire hour of my pre-class time (time I had planned to use to write an exam).

Then I found out more about the renovation, and let me say: yikes. 

They are talking about bringing in PORTA POTTIES because they think the remaining restrooms (a men's and women's on each floor, one with two toilets, the other with one, and a unisex bathroom in the animal facility) won't be enough if we wind up teaching any labs in the research labs. (Also I suppose if the bathrooms get overwhelmed from higher use and shut down.

I just.....I don't want to go back to the early 1900s with a fricking outhouse in the middle of winter, even a winter HERE where it's warmer. 

And it's going to be loud, and we may not be able to store stuff where I planned to because that area may not be easily accessible with the trucks and stuff. I am still lobbying to NOT teach one of my lab intensive classes just to avoid the headaches (and also: If I forget ONE vital piece of glassware before the construction starts, I won't be able to do that lab. I don't see how I am going to make this work)

 Maybe I just take early retirement if this semester is too bad and if I don't get much in the way of logistical support and everything's a mess. 

And there were a few other upsetting things, as I said, I can't talk about them all.

But things were better after I got home. The tightness in my shoulders mostly went away and my stomach got less upset. (I've begun experiencing some physical symptoms of stress while at work, I think it's related to a couple of the difficult people I've had to deal with lately.)

One thing I'd been waiting for for a while. It was, I guess, custom printed when ordered, and then, it took FOREVER for the package to wend its way to me. This is from lindzeamays illustration, she has hats and shirts and stickers and magnets:

 

"Scavengers keep the Earth clean" - to go on my file cabinet at work. I have a few soil invertebrate art pieces already (yes, cockroaches count)

I also have a couple "coolembola" stickers from her with a springtail on them, I have to figure out how to put one up on my door without actually sticking it to my door. (in case I want to take it down later, like if I do, as I said, threaten to early-retire)

And the premium item - I got an e-mail about this, and realized I hadn't given money recently to Heifer Project, and you got this if you gave a certain amount of money:

Yet another tote bag. Or really: knitting project bag. (My first exams are coming up in 10 days so I will need to arrange to have a project with me.

And the surprise. My friend Purlewe said she was having something sent to me, but she didn't say what.

A mug- but a mug with a parody of Hopper's "Nighthawks" on it, replacing the figures (and adding a few more; Linda and Gene are standing out in the street, and you might be able to see Little King Trashmouth under the window) with character's from Bob's Burgers. 

(I have something for her, I just need to get a puffy envelope to send it.)

The mug came shipped in a styrofoam cube that held it very firmly; even the rough handling the mail gets here had it arrive fine.

The biggest thing though was something I'd contemplated for a couple months and finally decided to order after a couple bad days last month. 

There's a shop on Etsy where someone has designed plushies and then had them manufactured (keeps the cost down, and I suppose meets some safety standards a bit more neatly, though it does say on the tag they're not for small children). The shop is Little Softs, and these are supposedly things to hold when you're anxious

And yes, yes, I know I have MANY of these but I also get the "maybe THIS will fix me" syndrome (narrator voice: nothing really does)

But at least this will be the right size to hold when I sleep without throwing my shoulder out of whack 

She's supposed to be an Australian Shepherd dog. (It's not a great photo). I liked the style of this one slightly better than the other one I was considering (an Arctic fox) and also, I realized she looks very slightly (mostly in terms of coloration) like Calypso, the kind and wise kindergarten teacher on Bluey. 

Here I am with her, so you can get a better idea of the size

The little shirt can be taken off; on the maker's Etsy page they show one with a knitted sweater and so now I'm considering that. (Though I have enough projects for me that are not yet finished).

long weekend over

 I did need some time off. Saturday was Zoom knitting, Sunday was a breakfast at church. Today I mowed the lawn and weed-whacked, and I mainly worked on this:

it's the corner to corner blanket, which is knit kind of like those square dishcloths, you just keep going until it's "big enough" or you've used about half your yarn. I am now on the decrease section (that top orange stripe - I changed to the new ball when the old one was within a few meters of running out, and that was when I began the decreases).

When it's done it will be like 6' on a side. As I said before, it's quite heavy - more heavy than warm, which is good.

It's a Mandala Bonus Bundle from Lion Brand, the color way is named "Sasquatch" (I don't know, either. It looks either like the 1970s or like the idealized colors of a Western landscape). 

I also broke the stall on reading "Blackout" and to my relief the sympathetic character I thought might have died did not (but may lose a foot? Again, I guess if you get injured on a time-travel mission you carry that injury back with you, but then again, in 2060 Oxford maybe they've really perfected prosthetics). It is pretty much a page-turner, I find that to be the case with Willis. 

changing the sign

 I have one of those signs with slots in it where you can press letters into it. In the old days, I guess, this was how office buildings indicated where people's offices were. More recently they became a hipster thing that kind of percolated down to the craft-store live, laugh, love crowd

but I kind of like them.

I bought one back in late 2019. The first thing I had up (only very briefly, I took it down after about fifteen minutes and posting the photo online)

Then after that, I changed it to this line from the LOTR movies. I FELT this line. I saw it as I walked out the door every morning:

But I've changed. Or maybe the world has.. I no longer feel that my small everyday good deeds make much of a difference at all in anything (And yet, as Luther said about something else: God forgive me but I cannot do otherwise). 

So after having listened to a bunch of "unusual for me" music on YouTube, I hit on this, from Leonard Cohen's "Anthem":

I mean, I GUESS it's still hopeful in a way, but it's also an acknowledgement of the brokenness that's everywhere. I mean, I guess if you're a decent person or you try or whatever, the light does get in and maybe even shine through you but yeah, some days now everything feels broken

and the song for anyone who may be unfamiliar. Cohen did not have a beautiful voice but .... it puts the meaning and emotion into the song in a way I think a more polished-sounding singer would not)

new old project

 It is kind of nice to pull out a stalled project. It FEELS like starting something new without having to start something new, and if you keep decent notes you can find your way back to where you were.

I had these socks - the pattern is called Dragon's Breath - up to the heel flap. I finished that tonight but slightly ran out of steam for turning the heel.

I don't remember the maker or the color name of the yarn but it was something like either Moonchild or Moonstone. It's a favorite color combination of mine for sock yarn - either gray or black with either pastels (as here) or bright pastels. I have a couple more yarns in the stash in a similar style. 

I have a couple days off, which is good. I'm tired and feeling a little burned out (yes, already) because of a couple instances of bad behavior (in one case - someone very baldly lying, though I wasn't the one who got lied to).

Lying is one of the things that makes me angriest. Especially if it's something like "I couldn't make it to class, I didn't feel well" when in fact you were fine. Just TELL me the TRUTH: that my class is less important to you than some other thing. My feelings may be hurt being told again my life's work isn't important, but I'm hurt and angry when I'm first lied to and then I find out it's because I'm not a priority. (Okay, this may not be 100% about my teaching life....)

But anyway, it was a very long week. Teaching four different classes is no joke. And just the constant drumbeat of ugliness in our world - people lying, and saying horrible things to and about other people, and drivers flipping off other drivers who don't go far enough over the speed limit for them, and just the general unkindness of society now

I find myself wanting more little treats just to make it through.

Like today:

Iced chai tea fro the HTeaO. Which was closed most of this week for renovations (someone I know thought maybe it was actually a health-code violation, but I don't think that was it; I think they expanded their "t shirts and other merch" area which probably brings in more money than the actual tea does). I kept checking the phone app- ordering using it was so easy, but it was persistently "unavailable" despite their facebook page having claimed they would reopen on Wednesday. 

So today at lunchtime I thought "I'll drive out there and see what's up. If they're not open I could try one of the coffee places and see if they have iced teas" but they were open - I did have to walk in to order, their drive through is badly configured and when it's crowded it's hard to get in safely. I did mention to the employee - and pull out my phone and show her when she asked - about the app being broken, I hope she called Corporate or whoever controls the app to see about getting it fixed. Because it is so much easier to order before you go there and just pick it up. 

Unfortunately, it's not super close to me, I do have to go across town and some times that does feel like an effort. But then again - that means I maybe only go once a week or every 10 days....

hoping it's real

 I don't know The Byte well enough to know if it's legit or parody, but given all the dumb AI news (first, we were told that we were expected to find out if our students used it for assignments and give them 0s, then we were told, "well it's up to you whether they use it or not" which then means those of us who don't want it used will get "but my other professors...." complaints, and now they've said "yeah, the tool in turnitin for detecting it is flawed and generates false positives and seems prejudiced, so we're turning it off" [with an implied "good luck detecting it yourself if you've told your students you don't want them using it])

but anyway, this story fills me with delight if it's true:

AI begins "Rickrolling" clients

 

What if we made a plagiarism engine to render creatives redundant, so the management of companies that MIGHT produce creative works can get richer and not pay their artists, and it turned out to just be a stupid seven-year-old that pulls pranks?

 

 

Thursday night things

 * I finished the "Clumsy Cat" colorway socks. (The color doesn't really suggest cats or clumisness, but that's what Opal called it). It's a sportweight (I think they treat it more like it's a DK, but I used the number of stitches for a sportweight, the two are close.

I used a sort of broken rib pattern: k2 p2, with the even rows being plain knit

I didn't try to make them matching, I knew the pattern was a long repeat. They're CLOSE though, and you don't really notice. 

I did figure out what the colors remind me of:

My favorite "Cutie Mark Crusader" (Scootaloo). 

* I did pull out a stalled pair (I think the pattern is called "Dragon's Breath") and I think I can figure out where I was and get working on them again. It will be good to clear a few projects that I never finished.

* I am still reading on "Blackout." Willis uses the pattern of having several subplots (the experiences of several different time travelers) and each chapter is one of them - so you'll be reading about a character and it will just cut off, often at a cliffhanger spot.

Where I am right now, one chapter ended with a character I regard as sympathetic (well, all the time travelers are) MAY have died, and it raises the question for me: "if you die on time travel, does that mean you die in your own timeline?" The book seems to suggest yes, and anyway, it's not like the characters split themselves and send a duplicate into the past.

All of the characters (as you might guess from the title) are visiting WWII Britain, which can be harrowing at times. A few nights I looked at it and went "I can't with this right now" and read on the lighter "vintage mystery" novels instead. 

I find in recent years my tolerance for stories including characters in mortal peril has gone way down.

*It's been kind of a tiring week; I had several students who either had problems (where maybe I could help) or who were *being* problems (by their actions) and then also there are other things to be attended to - we are having MAJOR renovations coming in January and have been told that not only must everything in the labs be up off the floors, but we will also have to move every bit of equipment we will need for spring teaching and store it somewhere that WILL be accessible. (We do have a storage building, but it has bugs and mice so the things like the paper stuff - the guides to identifying insects, the set ups for the natural-selection simulation - can't go out there, I will have to store them in my research lab, which isn't on the reno list). My plan for ecology is (a) not to change any labs for spring and (b) take each week's supplies at the end of lab and put them in the storage place. This will add a few minutes and more effort but that means close to the end of the semester I will only have to think about what I need for soils and store it in the storage building.

* Soon I need to see if either of the pharmacies that will take my insurance will have the new covid shot. Last year it was a pain and I wound up having to use CVS - which does not- because both the other places said that they weren't going to get it in before January. Apparently the "end of the emergency" and also the abysmal uptake/outright antivaccination in some folks here lead to us not getting it as fast. (Getting it tomorrow would be ideal because I'd have an extra day - Monday - to recuperate, I could check at Walgreen's but I'm not terribly hopeful they'd have it yet. 

I do need to get the flu shot but i'm going to wait a few more weeks for that- I know you can get the flu shot and the covid one together but I usually react to shots, and I don't want to double up on reactions.

And in October I'll have to get the second shingles shot; I get a "vacation day" (a Friday) so I will try to get it the Thursday before that so if I'm laid up I can rest. I had about 12 hours of feeling tired and a day of feeling achy after the first one and I expect this one will be moreso....

a tortilla press

 Mostly this is an "I'm leaving this here" post so I can find the linked site again

Last night, I made black bean soup. It's very easy - at least the simplified version I usually do, with canned low-sodium beans - you combine the can (undrained) with a cup of stock (I use Pacific brand's chicken stock because it's the only one I can find without celery, or you can use veggie stock) and a little chipotle sauce* and cook them together, and then either mash with a potato masher or blend with a blender (depending on how pureed you want it) and then add a little lime juice and zest and a little sour cream at the table.

(* the original recipe calls for adobo chiles out of a can, but then what do you do with the rest of the can? So I just use the bottle of Cholula chipotle I keep in the fridge)

I also made flour tortillas. Didn't feel like hunting up the rolling pin and clearing a counter space near the stove, so I kind of squished and patted them out by hand. They were okay, just kind of thick, and I idly thought, "I should get a tortilla press, I make these often enough and might even make them more if I had one"

I had to go to the local jeweler's today - my coin charm bracelet snagged on something and opened one of the links so one of the coins came off, and I decided it was worth paying someone who knew what they were doing to fix it, so I ran into the Kopper Kettle to see about presses.

And I bought one. It wasn't cheap but as I said earlier I didn't have a great morning. 

The one thing that gave me pause - they only referenced corn tortillas on the box and I wondered if for some reason you couldn't do flour (dough too sticky or whatever, but you do use parchment paper or waxed paper to press them out on).

So I did a quick search on "uses for tortilla press" and hit paydirt, on The Tortilla Channel (!)

Yes they work for flour tortillas. And various Asian flatbreads (SCALLION PANCAKES! I can try making those again - when I tried them before I couldn't get them flat enough). And cookies! And arepas, if you can find P.A.N. flour. (I want to try arepas after seeing them referenced in "Encanto").

So I guess it was a Useful Tool to buy after all. (I like flatbreads in place of bread-bread - for one thing, you can make small quantities of them quickly, so you can use them up before they go bad, and they're a nice "last minute" "oh, I want something bready with the soup I'm making" dinner accompaniment) 

my lunch mix

 the morning today was kind of exhausting, in between prepping for tomorrow's classes as well as today, I received multiple e-mails from a student over a short time span.

Usually this indicates an anxious person and I'm handling it like that (with kindness and reassurance) but I admit I find it tiring, personally, partly because I remember being anxious in college but those were different times and most of the faculty were either literally inaccessible, or were grouchy enough to seem so, and so I just balled up my worries into a tight little ball and stuffed them deep down, like I do with a lot of things.

And yeah yeah, I am of the "I went through this, but that doesn't mean you have to" school of thought about these kinds of things and try to help, but I can tell it takes a toll on me.

So after class, I WANTED to go get an iced tea for with lunch - ideally one of the big iced chais that HTeaO does

but their app said "Temporarily Unavailable" about ordering online,, which I later on learned meant they're doing renovations. (I HOPE they're re-routing their drive through, it doesn't work great)

So I came home and made a cup of hot tea (despite it still being hot out) and an almond-butter sandwich and got some fruit.. And found something nice to listen to:

It's the "incidental" music (not the classical themes, though the very last bit - from Sleepytime - you can see that the composer - I think it's Joff Bush?-  borrowed very heavily from Holst's themes). But it's nice in its own right, and in a way it reminds me a bit of the Ghibli music.

I like incidental music. Some of the "British Light Music" I like was written as incidental music for plays/movies or later on, television productions. It definitely can set a mood and much of it I think stands alongside more "traditional" concert pieces. 

On the linked video, I particularly liked the music from "Tradies," and I do admit I could feel that telltale prickling in my eyes during "Sleepytime" (an episode that always makes me cry, but in a good way)

I need to remember more that YouTube has these channels of nice quiet not-too-distracting music for when I'm working on e-mail or something else.

Monday evening things

 * finally got back to doing the PT stretches this afternoon; I had kind of stopped after the shingles shot and I was achy for a few days, then it got so hot, then I had no AC. 

But then today, my hips were really hurting and I figured I better make myself do them.

 

Yeah, I need to keep doing them, at least a few times a week. At least I can get down on my knees and back up a lot easier now; I'm hopeful maybe I just need more time to heal.

* I'm almost  done with the sportweight socks. I know I have at least two partially finished pairs kicking around in my various knitting bags and should probably find them and try to finish them. I need to complete a few projects before starting anything new (though I do want to start the crocheted Bluey some time)

* Some talk on Bluesky today about the "fallout" from living through the pandemic. Naomi Alderman commented on there;

"If ever you find yourself thinking "why am I so x or y in the past few years?", or "why is that person so weird now?" please remember that we did actually genuinely all go through something pretty traumatising but because it was all of us together it's normalised & we don't talk about it."

And yeah. I was just speaking the other day with a colleague, and I bemoaned how bad my concentration and memory had gotten, and he said he had noticed the same (we are about the same age - he is a year younger - so it could be our ages, but I don't think that's just it.) For at least a year after 2020 I found it very hard to read - not just that anything slightly distressing upset me (I had to put Gulliver's Travels aside, for goodness sake) but also my ability to read complex sentences totally tanked.

I read a lot of cosy mysteries during that time. I'm getting back to being able to read more complex things but it's slow.

I also think my ability to follow complex knitting patterns kind of went away, which is why I have a lot of unfinished lace or colorwork projects hanging around, some of which I may never actually finish.

And yeah, I'm still carrying some emotional trauma; just the other day I was thinking about my older cousin (~20 years older than me) Paul, who had had hip surgery in early 2020 and was in a rehabilitation center and caught COVID. And he got bad, and by the time they got him to the nearest ER that was open, they were full up, and he wound up spending his last hours on this Earth alone, on a gurney in the hall of an ER, and his wife couldn't even go in to say goodbye.

And I know literally millions of families have a story like that, and Paul and I weren't close in the way some of my other cousins who were closer to my age and I were close, but it still makes me profoundly sad to contemplate.

And I know I spent some weeks in the late spring/early summer in a mood of - well, I won't say I was actively suicidal, because I never had a "plan," and also I knew I needed to stay at least for my mother's sake, but I remember wondering just how much I wanted to go on living. Especially in the bad times, when I put on the news and heard about thousands of deaths or refrigerated trucks serving as supplemental morgues or that one guy who was allegedly a medical researcher who was basically doomsaying the potential of their EVER being a vaccine (that was the worst, because I thought about how it might mean I stayed stuck at home forever, trying to teach from a small corner of my living room, and it was AWFUL)

And yes, I think it changed my personality. I'm not as lighthearted (not that I ever was, very much) and I find my mood plummets a lot more easily now.

And as I've said before: it's as if I've forgotten how to have fun. I go do things that should be fun but sometimes they aren't. Or sometimes I feel like "I should be happier than I am to be doing this?"

I mean, maybe it will come back with more time. There were also a lot of OTHER things I was mourning during 2020 that were unrelated to the pandemic. But I do see that I'm a lot more sensitive now and a lot more likely to be saddened by hard times others I care about are going through. And I'm a lot less resilient, or so it seems, than I once was. 

* I do still try. I go out thinking "this will be fun" and while it maybe is for a while it's.....it's not like "before," where one good trip out could keep me going for a month or more..

I did go out on Saturday. Went to JoAnn's and to Michael's, mainly just to look at stuff, I didn't really need anything (and I was wanting to go to Kroger, anyway). I did buy some sale yarn with sparkles in it with a vague idea of yet another scarf (I don't need more, I don't have anywhere to donate them - donation places seem to want money, or failing that, hats). But it was pretty, like I said, it sparkled. 

And I bought a couple fall candles, this is one

 

It's mildly amusing to me that the French for this type of scented candle is "Bougie."

Yeah, I guess I kind of am, given that I like this sort of thing, and if I drank coffee I'd probably totally drink PSLs. 

But I do very much want it to be fall. It's a bit cooler today, and dryer, but it was really hot again over the weekend and I admit I am extremely tired of it. 

I also admit I felt a pang walking around the Michael's, about how much nicer and, yes, more fun it would be if I had someone else there with me, so we could laugh at the ridiculous things they sell (they have, inexplicably, figures of "movie monsters" like The Mummy and The Headless Horseman, and also a depiction of Edgar Allan Poe, sitting on TOILETS. (They are fully clothed, which caused some consternation with one of my Bluesky mutuals, but really? do you even want to see Poe's, um, wedding tackle, even alluded to?) They're really kind of dumb but I admit if I had a "guest bathroom" with space for seasonal decoration - well, they're dumb enough that for me they kind of loop back around to being slightly wonderful, and I might have been tempted by the Poe one. 

But I have to do that alone, now, or, at the very outside, make a post on social media about it and hope people respond.

And again, something I think the pandemic did do - it fragmented a lot of us a bit more; there are people that were kind of on the fringes of my friend circle who MIGHT have become more of a friend except either (a) they had very different ideas about the vaccines to me or (b) one or two people locally, when I texted them, really really needing just a friendly chat, they never responded.. And while it's not impossible they were going through even worse than I was, being totally ghosted like that told me that they didn't really care THAT much (I mean, even if they'd replied DAYS later I'd have been fine with it) so I decided: well okay if they don't care about me then I'll not bother them any longer. 

(And that is part of my issue with trying to make friends. I worry I am bothering people. Because I had other kids tell me to go away and not bother them when I tried to make friendly overtures in school, and you REMEMBER that. Or at least I do). 

* Maybe it'll change. But I don't know, it's been three years since the vaccines became widespread and there are no new social groups that fit my interests or schedule, and I've mostly remained alone, so I assume people have locked down in their nuclear families and I'm just.....the spare giraffe who gets left behind to drown once the ark is full. And I admit that at 55 realizing "this is my life, this is the only one I get, and....it's getting closer to being over" and it worries me a little. But I don't know how to FIND friends, and I honestly don't know if braving the inevitable rejection isn't WORSE than remaining alone. 

Some of us were just not born under a lucky star, is my conclusion, and there's not much I can do. Anyway I am weird in a lot of ways and most people don't accept other people who are weird; most women my age don't know what to make of someone who never married or had kids. 

But I still feel like the pandemic ruined a lot of things, and 2020-2021 very nearly broke our society (if it didn't actually break it; I think the jury's still out on that)

A Sunday Stealing

 Roger does these occasionally; Kelly did the one this week. So okay, I'll do it too:

Reveal yourself in 24 easy steps

I am not: someone who ever really felt like she fit in

I hurt: Emotionally, or physically? Physically the biggest issue right now is my right knee. Emotionally.....well, I am pretty sensitive and easily wounded, even over completely idiotic stuff like that "childless cat lady thing" (see the first response)

I love: Being able to make stuff

I hate: When someone wastes my time or lies to me

I fear: winding up all alone when my close family and older friends are gone

I hope: eventually I'll find a bunch of what they sometimes call "running around friends." I was just thinking yesterday, when I walked through Michael's, how it would be fun to have another person with me so we could laugh at the dumb things (a halloween decoration featuring a mummy on a toilet) or coo over the cute things

I regret: Sometimes I regret moving so far away from everything I knew. I mean, I've lived here longer than anywhere I've lived and yet I still feel a bit like an outsider, since I don't have roots here and didn't graduate from high school here. And I am still not used to the climate.

I cry: at all kinds of things. I cry at Bluey episodes. I cry at the part in Encanto when Mirabel worries about not having a Gift, and worries that Antonio won't get one either. I cry when I think about sad things - the other day I was reminded of 2020 and I remembered how my cousin Paul (who was much older than me, but still) died all alone in a hospital corridor - he caught covid at the rehab center he was in after hip surgery, and by then the hospital was so overloaded that he never even made it to a room. His wife couldn't even say goodbye to him; she was not allowed in. 2020 was a TERRIBLE year and I think a lot of us were changed forever by it

I care: about good teaching and trying to get my students both interested in the subjects, and gaining the skills they need in them

I always: waste too much time on the internet

I long: to feel more content

I listen: I always have something on in the background, either music through Pandora, or one of the Lofi streaming channels (did you know they have one inspired by Bluey now? (in the drawing* she is shown as looking more mature, like she's doing her homework for high school)

(*if I were spelling it phonetically for the show, it would say "drawring" there)

I hide: A lot of times I hide when my feelings are hurt because (a) I don't like confronting people and (b) all my life I've been told I'm too sensitive, so I figure most of the time I"m being unreasonable about it

I write: On this blog, mostly. I'm doing some research but it's not at a 'write it up' point yet

I miss: The people I cared about that I've lost, either to death or to them moving away and losing contact

I search: For stuff I tucked away and can't remember where I put it. I just relocated my Rosy Maple Moth plushie that I had tucked away in 2022 when I was having the work done on my house.

I learn: I do a lot of reading to learn stuff, most recently I read that article about the hermit that I linked to, and I have the new Scientific American I should read some time soon

I feel: Okay, right now. Maybe a little lonesome, weekends sometimes are, despite having church

I know: I probably need to go out more and try to make more friends, but it's hard, and I've experienced enough rejection (by the age of 20, even!) to last a life time

I want: to get up shortly and go try to do a workout even though my knee slightly hurts

I worry: about too many things to name right now. Mostly that I won't have help when I need it

I wish: people were better at empathizing with others

I have: way too much yarn, yet I buy more

I give: I wrote my monthly check to the church ("tithe") this morning, and I make donations to the regional food bank

I wait: for the weather to be cooler and more fall like

I need: Lots of things. Most of them emotional/intangible. I do wish I had a bigger house with better storage and more bookshelves.

it's the weekend

 Tired. 

This was a long week and while some good stuff happened, I also had the worry/effort with the air conditioner, and also the problems with the student. 

I haven't yet decided whether to go somewhere tomorrow, or whether to just grocery shop locally and then stay home and work on projects here. It's going to be very hot again and that makes going anywhere less appealing.

I did pull out one of the stalled projects and worked some more on a reversible-triangle-stitch scarf.

It's one of the Ruggles Reversible Scarf patterns, one that goes back to the very early days of the revival of knitting, back in the late 90s. I like the patterns because they remind me of the early days of knitting, when it seemed exciting and lots of people were either picking it back up or learning it new.

I'm afraid now we may be on the downslope again; every day I hear of stores closing down, ,and it does seem fewer people knit.

And I get it. It can be an expensive hobby AND ALSO few people have time any more, a lot of us work crazy long hours. I know I knit less than I once did; I think maybe everything in 2020/2021 made me question some stuff and question the "point" of making tons of stuff - especially in a warming world where I will increasingly NOT be able to wear them. 

And perhaps this marl/variegated yarn was not the best choice. I LIKE these color changing yarn cakes (and have quite a few in my stash, of different colors) It doesn't show the knit pattern as well as a solid color would. 

I also grabbed this photo running out the door this morning. I am not sure what species it is but it's kind of neat what moths and butterflies seem to show up here. This one was maybe an inch and a half long, so a pretty big moth

Thursday afternoon things

 * It actually is starting to feel like fall is coming. The light has that different quality to it that fall light has - it's a different angle, I think, and I interpret it as being  more "yellow" and less 'white and harsh." 

Fall is my favorite season and it's welcome to have the cool down. It's been a solid 10 degrees cooler for the daily highs these past few days than last week was, and it actually cools down at night. And of course my air conditioner is working so I can sleep properly which makes everything so much better. 

I know I should finish one of my knitting projects at least, but I also want to start something new. I may deal with that by pulling out a stalled project tonight and working on it again, rather than the socks and sweater that have been the projects I've worked on mostly these past couple days. 

* I ran across this article online in Nautilus today, and based on how much it interested me, I took out a trial (print) subscription. It feels like it might be similar - if perhaps even a bit broader focused - than American Scientist, which is one of the few publications I read when it comes any more. (American Scientist is the official publication of Sigma Xi, a scientific society I belong to)

Anyway, this is it: A Hermit's Reality in the Italian Alps. (I presume it will be free for you to read, apparently you get two articles for free). 

I've always been interested in that kind of hermit lifestyle; part of it is the "I wonder if I could do it" (I don't know that I could, the isolation of 2020 was bad for me. But then again: if I were somewhere surrounded by nature, where I had the purpose of making things to make my life better or to restore the area, that might feel different). Part of it is specific to the article: the idea that he seems somehow more connected to God/the Divine/the universe, that's appealing to me. In recent years I've felt....I don't know, a disconnection, and I don't know if it's that I'm trying too hard to be connected to people and to things like entertainment, and that maybe going off on retreat or something would reawaken a connection I think used to be stronger?

At any rate, it's an interesting article, and I'll be interested to see what the coming issues bring. 

* Something sort of tangentially related (in that Christian faith is involved) is this Daily Devotional from the other day. These come from the  United Church of Christ (which, while not in the same "lineage" as Disciples of Christ, shares a lot of similarities with it). It's an easy way for me to do at least a little devotional reading every day and gives me something to think about. I liked this one because it addresses things I've been thinking about, specifically this:

"Many Americans, across the political spectrum, agree that their purpose in life is meaningful work. That’s why so many of us volunteer in our “spare” time for Habitat or the local food bank; we like work that “matters.” "

Yes. That's one of the things that scratches at me: am I doing enough "meaningful" work? Whether that takes the form of publications and research and students sent out into the world, or volunteer work, or giving money to good causes. I really do wrestle with feeling like I have to "earn" my place here by doing good. I don't think I used to be that way so much? I don't know what has changed, if this is a midlife thing, or if it's the end result of being in academia for 25+ years, where basically your worth is weighed on a scale (heh, like Anubis and the feather, I guess, only here it's "are you worthy for continued employment?") and I would like to get away from  that.

I would like to be able to feel more like everything I do - the piano playing where I am the only one who hears it, the silly little Duolingo lessons, the knitting even though I live in a climate to hot to wear knitwear 8 months out of the year - that those things are worth doing too, not a waste of time I could "better" put to use doing something more purposeful. 

* I am trying to help a few students. I have one honors student who lacks one Honors credit to graduate with the "Honors" addition to their degree (I am not sure how much it helps with grad school or whatever, but I can completely understand wanting to do it for themself, as a point of pride, as being able to say they did it) and they asked me if they could do an honors project in my class and I realized today how we could make that work, so we're going to discuss it tomorrow. And I really do find this is the thing that makes me happiest these days: using my ability or expertise or knowledge to help someone else out. And it's always good to encourage an enthusiastic and good student. A few of my students have e-mailed me about the independent project in another course and they have pretty good ideas. So it's nice to be able to e-mail someone back and say, "yes, this will work, it should be an interesting project, have you also considered this aspect of it....?"

However, I also have a student who's been kind of a problem all along, who MAY have just sunk their own ship by lying about/trying to do something that violates a rule on campus (and possibly also a federal scholarship-related rule). Apparently they are claiming their professors this semester (thankfully I am not one, just an advisor) signed off on something that they are not allowed to do, and neither of the professors in question actually DID, so student has likely been caught in a lie and I do know from past experience they will claim they didn't do that, they'll try to weasel out, and it may be a bit of a nightmare for us....but honestly, if they get kicked out? I don't have a  lot of sympathy; they know the rules and they broke them; we knew the rules and stuck to them, so.

I will say I wish all my students were more like the Honors student I'm helping, though.

* I don't know whether to go do something this weekend or just stick at home. I do think getting out - esp.. getting out of town - helps some, and I'm slowly working back to more comfort with driving around places (after losing a lot of it during the "stay home time" in 2020, where it got to the point that driving the half-hour into Sherman felt like going to the dark side of the moon). I'll have to think more about it.

just some photos

 I finally started on the plain stockinette body of the sweater. I have 70-some rounds of this before I start the colorwork section:

This is about 10 rows (in addition to the ribbing)

I also rearranged the chair in my living room where "critters" live, and I don't think I ever shared this critter before:

 

I *thought* this was a pattern from Ravelry, but I can't find it on there. No wait: Rachel Bordello Carrol wrote it, it's there. I wonder if I bought it directly from her Yarnigans site and that's why it's not in my library...it's probably in a folder of .pdf files on my work computer or my old computer if I did. Well, I doubt I'd make it more than once...

Her name is Octavia. I used some novelty yarn in a peach color with little pastel slubs in it. As you can see, she's fairly small.

I also found both of my Calcifers, and now I realize who Caz in "The Spellshop" very slightly reminded me of: a wisecracking character that is an "enchanted" version of something not normally sentient (or in Calcifer's case, alive: he's a fire)

I dunno. I like Calcifer and I liked him enough to purchase two slightly different versions over the years from different Etsy sellers:

It WOULD be nice to kind of have a little companion like Caz or like Calcifer to talk to or to give advice to you or at least remind you that things aren't as bad as they look (Though both Caz and Calcifer did their share of "spiralling" when things happened)