It's the weekend

 * I did pick up the "Bluey" yarn (well, MOST of it) yesterday. Once the stuff they're mailing (using the annoying "UPS to USPS" method, which adds several days  - of late, UPS has done a slimy little thing with some deliveries, e-mailing me and basically asking me to "upgrade" so I can have UPS deliver the package, and that it'll shave from 1-4 days off the delivery time but already shipping costs a lot these days, and I don't like being upsold after I've agreed to a price, so I just accept the "mail innovations" or whatever they call it).

Anyway, the darkest blue yarn - which is the one I'd need first - is the one that is supposed to come either tomorrow or Monday. Not sure if I'll start Bluey right away, I've got socks on the needles and am still working on the ribbing for the Moon Moth sweater. But it's also crochet rather than knitting and it's nice to trade off.

And yeah, it was maybe my error - I ordered off the app (because I get "points" towards the loyalty club, and I don't remember my password, so I had to go through the app) and I think I messed up and chose "pick up at store" and the ones being delivered are one they didn't have in stock locally.

At any rate: the pick up was easy enough and I was then able to run over to Brookshire's in Pottsboro for groceries, so it wasn't a wasted trip. 

* I am still enjoying The Spellshop. I read a bit on it while waiting at the doctor's yesterday. I think one of the enjoyable things about it for me is the idea of someone building a life for herself - figuring out how to earn her keep (so to speak). It seems like Caltrey is more or less a barter economy - she gets eggs and bread in return for the jam (and maybe cheese? Maybe someone brought cheese?) and while barter is a hard way to live in this world, it's pleasant to contemplate in fiction. And also the idea that she might be helping heal the community by encouraging more bonds of trust there. And she healed a bunch of trees after being "directed" to by forest spirits that basically looked like bears made out of fog. 

I mean, I can pretty much guess how the book will end (she will heal the island, maybe the magic will all come back/people will learn to do their own magic to care for things, she will wind up with Larran (whatever form that takes, whether marriage or just togetherness), Caz will be there...) and I'm fine with that. Sometimes a predictable happy ending is good and is what you need.

I mean, I could be totally wrong and it could all "break bad" but I also suspect this is not the type of book that does. (And maybe I need to find more books like this, that are just like a warm hug that soothes you)

* I got a few new chigger bites from the field work, despite having loaded up with repellent. Also my knee bothered me a bit yesterday and today - I made myself do a workout this afternoon and that seems to have helped. I'm glad I'm done until August with that. Well, I still have to process the soils and count the samples, but that's indoor work.

It's supposed to get extremely hot again next week. I liked the cooler temperatures but I knew they wouldn't last. 

* I did also go to the bookstore when I was at Michael's; bought a book of "one pan desserts" - basically different things scaled to fit in an 8" square pan (or you can double the recipes and do 9x13). I often get called on to do small things for various places, and also the 9x13 versions would work for CWF or a potluck at church. Also the 8" square makes a small enough amount for just me. (And a lot of cake and cookie type things freeze really well, so you can just cut the pan's worth of stuff and wrap most of it up for the freezer). There's a bakewell-tart bar recipe in there (Bakewell Tart is a British thing; it's basically an almond custard with raspberry jam, on an oat crust (or a shortbread crust). Next time I'm at the Amish store I'm going to look for cherry jam because I'd like to make that some time.

they were also doing their usual book drive before school - for the school libraries. (I presume the books on offer that you could purchase to donate were ones that....uhhh...."passed" whatever issues their PTAs have. 

At any rate: they had a copy of a kid's picture-book biography of Dolly Parton and that seemed really appropriate (given that one of her things is to give a lot of her money away in the form of books for kids) so I bought a copy of that to have to donated to one of the schools in the area. Hopefully the kids enjoy it. 

Also, as I found out today: she and I share at least one trait. (No, not the obvious one!). She doesn't have biological children. There's an ugly meme making the round, started by a particular politician, deriding "childless cat ladies." Mainly because the D presumptive-nominee doesn't have biological children (but is a stepmom, and her husband's ex actually spoke highly of her). 

A big part of it is he claims we "don't have skin in the game for the future" like someone with kids would, and I don't know.....my friends have kids and my relatives have kids and I want them to have a better world. But that doesn't count I guess.

But the whole "deriding single childless women" thing is ugly and feels like punching pretty low, given that BEFORE THE 1970s WE COULDN'T HAVE CREDIT CARDS IN OUR OWN NAME AND IN SOME STATES COULD NOT OWN A HOUSE. And it feels like there are folks who'd like to go back to that, and I guess in that case I just starve or something?

And thinking about it.....one thing I really am troubled by is the idea that someone somewhere hates me simply because of who I am, even without them knowing me. Even without them knowing I had a lot of rejection as a kid and was kind of afraid to date, and then got too old, and now don't have a dating pool, really, and anyway, am past having biological children. And my Ph.D. and years of teaching "don't count," and my publications "don't count" and it just feeds into my "I'm never good enough for people" and "I haven't done anything with my life" and while INTELLECTUALLY I know that's not true, EMOTIONALLY it's still hard to hear the punching down. And it's not in my nature to get angry and figuratively flip-off people who think that way; I mostly just feel sad about it.

But anyway: Dolly doesn't have children, but boy darn has she done a lot to make the world better.

* I also went ahead and ordered......yet another stuffie.... Sugar Bunny Shop, which is run by an artist I follow on social media, FINALLY had the plush deer back in stock (I think I first saw them 2 years ago but they've persistently been sold out). She finally got more back in stock and so I ordered one of the lavender colored ones. (They're boy deer, I guess; they have little antlers, so I'll have to think of a good name for him.

 

(Edited to add: OF COURSE. He is a purple deer so his name MUST be Prince. (After all: Bambi was called the Prince of the Forest))

But the little treats. Those are the things that keep a person going. Or at least, they keep me going - having something fun coming in the mail. Or planning to go get an iced tea from the good iced-tea place. Or fixing something special for a meal. Or, like today, going through what I call the "disco car wash" (it has colored lights and it plays thunderstorm sounds in the rinse area). Yes, it costs more than doing it myself would, but the place advertises they filter and recycle the cleaning water so I feel a little better about that. And it is kind of fun, and it's physically easier than washing the car yourself.

That's a relief

 I went in for my checkup today. This is the one I'd been stressing about because my blood work was not posted on the patient portal (normally this clinic is superfast about having the numbers available). I was afraid maybe there was really bad news (though these are just the typical things like ALT and blood glucose and blood cell counts, so I don't know).

Anyway, the doctor walked in the room and handed me a printout. "Here are the results from LabCorp, we could get those. Everything is normal, just your vitamin D is a little low. We are still trying to recover the patient portal"

"From the Crowdstrike thing?" I asked

"Yeah. It's been a nightmare. We came in that morning to blue screens of death everywhere, and while we were able to recover the office computers, the patient portal still isn't back. That's why you couldn't get your numbers"

She also noted the hospital where she has privileges had 17,000 computers affected. 

So I immediately relaxed; turns out the only thing I need to do (other than "keep on keepin' on") is to be sure to take the Vitamin D supplement (some days I forget). I guess eating reasonably healthfully (I could be better than I am, but my diet is probably more healthful than that of many people) and getting 30 minutes of aerobic exercise most days is serving me well. (I was also down a couple pounds, but my weight seems to fluctuate within a 5-10 pound range, so I don't know that that's meaningful). Heart and lungs sounded good.

I mentioned the knee; said I could do my regular exercise and even fieldwork without much pain, and noted the orthopod had suggested surgery and she shrugged and said "if you can do what you want to do without it, I generally recommend the most conservative treatment" so she didn't think it was currently necessary.

So I'm FREE. I am free until next year, at least unless there's an emergency. The only other thing she gave me a bit of stinkeye over was my continued failure to get the shingles vaccine but I will do the first before the end of the summer. 

So now I am free to go to Micheal's and get my Bluey yarn (and the yarn that's coming UPS is supposed to arrive tomorrow) and I might swing by a couple other places and I am also going to get some kind of restaurant lunch SEEING AS MY CHOLESTEROL IS FINE AND I WON'T NEED A REDO ON THE BLOOD DRAW. I just have to get a few things out to the mail and e-mail a student who wanted an appointment tomorrow back (I deferred setting it until today, in case I had to do another fasting blood draw right away, if they had lost my tubes). And then I can go.

It's just Wednesday

 This week feels like it's been a month long. 

Tomorrow, I have my annual checkup. I'm stressing a tiny bit because there are no bloodwork results posted for me (though weirdly the eclinical web claims "vitamin D deficiency" and "hyperlipidema" but doesn't give numbers).

I will cop to Vitamin D defiency; had it before and haven't always been great at remembering to take the supplements. But hyperlipidemia? I never had high blood lipids before, and I'm practically a vegetarian (eat meat maybe once a week) and I don't eat a very large amount of cheese. (I really don't want to be pushed into statins; I hope that is wrong)

and anyway, how can I know WITHOUT HAVING NUMBERS?

I was stressing, the anxious part of my brain (=most of my brain) was going "maybe your results are real bad, maybe there's something indicative of something terminal, and your doctor doesn't want you seeing it before you talk to her" but I think it's MUCH more likely the lab messed up and either:

- the blood samples got lost or damaged (once before I didn't get some of my results and it turned out that tube of blood got overheated and rendered the results invalid)

- the diagnoses are someone else's or otherwise an error

- the lab was just really slow getting the stuff done, and the results are not actually back yet. (Though in that case I'd think my doctor's office might text me about "maybe you would prefer to reschedule because we don't have results yet")

Then this afternoon I remembered that I had heard that Crowdstrike failure affected medical services too (some hospitals apparently had to shut down lots of things) and I'm wondering if that and its associated recovery slowed down my results showing up. I hope that's it. I'd rather not have to schedule ANOTHER fasting blood draw and (I presume) pay the copay and the lab fees AGAIN. 

So anyway. I don't LOVE checkups where I don't know the blood work because I remember my dad's adventure back in the early 00s where he was ultimately diagnosed with an early-stage cancer and the six months of biopsies and probing and appointments started with a weird blood result. 

But maybe, hopefully, everything will be back AND GOOD tomorrow and I can go off for another year of existing without too much worry. 

***

I do have vague plans to run to Michael's if I don't immediately have to start planning for my medical future tomorrow, because last night I got thinking about that Bluey doll and thought "you could mail order the yarn through the Michael's app and just have it delivered by mail and then you would not need to plan to get out to get it"

 Ah but womp womp: working on the app, on its small screen, somehow SOME of the yarn (I ordered a couple different sets of colors; acrylic is cheap enough and I wanted the RIGHT shades of blue and that sort of mustard gold that her snout is) got set for "pick up in store" (some is being mailed) and I didn't know how to undo it so they're holding it until Sunday (I don't know what happens if you don't pick it up, if you get refunded that money or if you're just out it) so maybe tomorrow I do run to pick that up and also get some groceries. I was not planning to do that but whatever.

***

But at least I got the fieldwork done today. It hurt to do it, it was very humid and the vegetation is much thicker now. I did have help; one of our research students came along and he carried stuff for me in return for me identifying plants for him. It took us a couple hours. The soils are extracting now.

But before I went: I wound up having to pump up one of the tires. The "low tire pressure" light came on when I pulled out of my garage, so I retrieved the little compressor I have. At that point I could not see any obvious tire damage so I thought maybe it had just got low over time (I forget to check with one of the pressure gauges). 

But when we got back to campus, after he got out of my car, the research student said "hey, I see the head of a screw, you were probably parked so it was on the bottom before and couldn't see it"

So yeah. So even before going home to shower, I called the tire place I bought these from and found out they were NOT busy, so I took it right in.

It was maybe a 15 minute wait for them to fix it (pop out the screw and plug the hole). $15, which was cheap enough. And I got to see this.

There were two other cats - a black one and a gray and white one - but they weren't in a place I could unobtrusively photograph them, and this one looked much more like they were luxuriating in their bed than the other two were (they were sleeping on the sales counter)

When I was in there before there was a very "crunchy" looking old tabby (not this one, much thinner and different coloring) that I figured had to be a very old cat; they might be gone now as it was a year ago or more I bought the tires.

Fieldwork day tomorrow

 * This time I have a helper; one of our research students is going to meet me at 8:30 on campus and either we'll caravan or carpool out to the site. This is a bit of a relief because it's helpful to have someone to carry some of the stuff, and also, if I step in a hole or get hurt or my knee gives out I've got assistance beyond my hiking staff for getting out of there. 

* So in case he wants to carpool, I cleaned out my car, and finally took a box that I received back a few days after I got back but never opened. This was something I had sent to myself. I knew it sitting in the hot car wouldn't hurt it, and I was busy. But I have it in the house and unboxed now:

A rock pick. It was my dad's. (He had five of them that we found). I had wanted to take one for a while, just to have and also because perhaps occasionally there might be a chance to go rockhounding (there are a few areas around here were you can go to look for fossils, and having a rockpick would be helpful for that). Also I just wanted it. 

* Also, in the course of looking something up ("what breed of dog is Lila on Bluey" (she is a Maltese, apparently) I found on the "official" Bluey page an "official" Bluey Heeler crochet pattern. They warn that it's "trifficult" but I have a lot of experience crocheting. I do know this uses the UK style terminology, so I'll have to remember that (for example: what they call double crochet is our single crochet). The funny thing is I never wanted a Bluey doll (despite the fact that money can easily be exchanged for one) but the idea of crocheting my own from a pattern that ABC Australia put up is kind of appealing. 

I think I have the right shade of pale blue  but next time I'm somewhere with acrylic yarn I'll have to look for the right color (especially the slightly odd dullish yellow that is her snout and inner ears)

* The other night I made roasted chickpeas and I have to remember that that's a good, simple "I need to eat something nutritious but don't know what" recipe: you drain and rinse a can of chickpeas, dry them well on either paper towels or a cloth kitchen towel, and then add about a teaspoon of olive oil and whatever spices you want (I used a little salt - they were unsalted chickpeas - and chili powder, garlic, paprika, and oregano). Then you put them in a pan (use a big enough one so there's space between them) and put them in a 350-375 degree oven for 20 minutes. (If you do them longer and hotter, they get crispier. I didn't want them *very* crispy). They're good, and are in a way like any of those spicy crackery nibbles that are probably higher in fat or salt and is ideal. And chickpeas are certainly economical. And you can keep a can of them on the shelf until you want them. I ate them up between today and yesterday.

they'd probably also make good salad toppings; most salad bars (back when such things were common) used to have a vat of drained canned chickpeas that you could add to your salad. 

* And my knee is still better. I really do think wearing Birkenstocks most of the time helps it, because it prevents my knee bending the "wrong" way (which make it hurt) and I think the exercise is starting to strengthen the muscles around it. So it's kind of a relief. 

new sweater begun

 But just  barely. I had to cast on for it twice; the first time I was doing the cabled cast on and I got it tangled up and ripped it out and just redid with the long-tail I usually use. You just have to carefully estimate how much yarn you need for that (the cable cast on you make going TOWARDS the ball, the long-tail uses two strands, one unwound from the ball, so you have to have that one long enough for all the stitches you need).

but it worked out, and I'm on ribbing round 4 of 18 (over 240-some stitches)

Knit Picks' Gloss dk in sort of an eggshell/very pale taupe color. The sweater is knitted in the round up to the armholes so those 240 some stitches are the entire body

Shortly before the armholes, you add in the second color and just do some dots (not QUITE a "lice" pattern) before you start working the big moth.

For this one, I chose a color called Blackberry, which is a very dark purple:

***

I'm also thinking of the old "What a week, hey?" "Lemon, it's Wednesday" (or however it goes) meme because....welp, a lot happened between Friday and now. And it does seem to have brought out some bad takes; on social media I'm seeing lots of reposts of people whose opinions should not matter opining on childless women, and miss me with that.

I mean, yeah: intellectually I know I should not care, but emotionally it bugs me to know I'm hated by people I don't even know simply because (for reasons not entirely under my control) I wound up on a different path than the "approved" one and I'm going to have to steel myself for more takes like "but THOSE WOMEN don't have an investment in the future!" and similar. (Someone was saying childless women shouldn't get to vote. Well, we still have to live under the same leadership whether we have kids or not!)

But yeah. It's been a stressful couple of weeks and it's still going. 

I guess it never really does let up and things don't ever really get better, it's just, if you're lucky you find things to "cover up" the things that are bad and make life seem a little better. But as alone as I am a lot of the time that's hard. 

But yeah. You'd THINK my childhood as an unpopular kid would totally inure me to rejection and people saying hateful things, but sometimes I think it made me MORE sensitive to it, like it burned out my ability to tolerate it. 

Anyway. As alone as I am there can be days where I don't hear a positive word from another person and so the bad interactions, the hateful things I overhear said - not aimed *directly* at me, but still, hateful things - they get extremely heavy and hard to bear and I wonder how one manages. I know having a family is a challenge and hard some times but I also imagine how coming home to someone who might occasionally say they loved me would make a lot of difference. 

I also admit I tend to internalize the "you don't matter" claims some make, and that makes things harder.

Friday evening things

 * Facetimed with my mom tonight. The impetigo now looks much more like the "classic" (slightly crusty) presentation, but the swelling she had is down a lot. She said her appetite was coming back (but also has some sores inside her mouth, which means only certain foods are comfortable to eat.) She seems a lot less tired and seems to be on the mend.

She's still on "house arrest" for yet another day because of the contagiousness but also I think she's selfconscious about her skin. Hopefully the sores clear up fairly fast (though she also said "If I go out I can just mask up and that will cover almost all of it")

And I am INCREDIBLY GRATEFUL that the nurse practitioner she saw at the minute clinic was able to figure out fast what she had (apparently they did not do a culture). And that it looks like the antibiotic cream and the keflex are working. 

My mom commented "You don't HEAR about impetigo any more, I remember when I was a teen some of my nieces and nephews had it" but that was in the infancy of antibiotics, when I think they used gentian violet to try to treat it, so I bet it's less talked-about now (kind of like how the doctor was very casual when he diagnosed me with scarlet fever) because antibiotics still (most often) wipe it out. 

* I have decided the next sweater I start will be the Moon Moth sweater (you can see the pattern here)

I have the yarn already - bought it last year. (I actually spotted it again in my stash, which reminded me). I realized that I wanted to be sure I had the right needles, so I dug through my supply of circulars, and womp womp, I did not have a US 3 in 24 inches (I don't normally knit sweaters at what's kind of a dk gauge, though that's just the ribbing). I contemplated either doing it on 4s (which I do have) and just letting the ribbing be looser, vs. going and purchasing the needle.

Well, I also thought "I need out of town for a little bit" because it's been a stressful week between Meeting People I Didn't Know (the folks coming to digitize some of the herbarium, and until our new botanist is fully on board, I am the herbarium contact person), and having a blood draw on Wednesday (for just routine annual testing; I don't think anything is wrong, I seem to be perfectly healthy), and especially worrying about my mom. (And well also the state of the world, but I think that's always worrisome now)

So I decided: well, you could go to JoAnn's. Though even though they seem to have pulled out of bankruptcy they don't always have everything in stock. And then I thought: you could go to the yarn shop, you might pay a couple bucks more, but it's a bit closer and it's nicer and you can support a business you feel like you have a strong interest in staying open.

So I went there, with the thought that if they didn't have what I needed, I could always default to JoAnn's.

Nope. I asked the lady when I walked in for a size 3 24 inch and a size 3 16 inch, and she pulled one of each right out of a drawer. That was easy.

I also had to look at the yarn while I was there. And bought this

I just think it's neat.It reminds me of the maps in my old social-studies books when I was a kid: that intense blue of the ocean, the light green as the generalized "land" color. I plan to make socks of it, using either a slipped-stitch pattern of some kind (you have to be slightly careful with those as they draw the fabric in and can result in tight socks) or a knit-purl pattern of some kind (Maybe purl ridges? That might work).

I did try to start the Recreational Tilling socks last night using some really old Regia (possibly it was one of the Kaffe Fasset inspired colorways) that I had, but the skein I picked up tangled somehow and I spent the evening trying to make it into a ball. I didn't quite finish doing that, maybe that's for the Zoom knitting tomorrow. 

But anyway: I have what I need to start the Moon Moth sweater now. Might consider swatching after I get done here.

* I also did go to JoAnn's. Bought a book of granny-square projects because there was a "one giant granny square" afghan in there and I want to make one using some of the colorshifting cake yarn I have. And there are some cute hats and other things, and sometimes granny squares are just fun. 

I also looked at the Halloween stuff. I didn't buy anything but later after getting home I got tempted into mail ordering this

It's the skeleton of a garden gnome.

Yes, it's incredibly dumb but it made me laugh. I admit if I didn't worry about it being stolen I'd put it out in my garden in October; as it is I'll probably have it set up in the entryway with the little duck and iridescent unicorn skeletons I have.

I WILL put out the other thing I ordered, and just hope it doesn't get stolen: a skeleton arm stake you push down into your soil, so it looks like a skeleton is sticking its arm up out of the grave and it's giving a thumbs up. 

I also find that extremely funny (especially given this year). So I ordered one and I'll probably stick it next to my little garden flag stake - I've had that up for four years and never had a flag stolen off it so maybe that place is OK. 

It's been cooler these past couple days and I don't know if my improved mood yesterday evening and today is partly due to that, partly due to gratitude over my mom's issue not being serious (and it seems, on the way to being fully solved), or maybe I'm starting to pull more out of the funk that settled over me in 2020. I don't know. I hope it's the last because it really sucks (to use a word I try not to use on here) to feel like nothing is that interesting and that you're just kind of slogging through life because there's really only the choice of "slog" or "die" and "die" isn't a good choice. 

It's also possible that I've mostly opted out of the news (other than a few minutes of local news to see the weather and how the construction on the various highways is going) in favor of either cartoons or things like Bizarre Foods, doing that as a self-preservation measure. (I know enough - too much - of what's going on from social media and my occasional perusing of either the 'Grauniad' or NPR online. 

I do think television news started to implode when it realized that it could make ITSELF the news by inflating every story and ratcheting up the "doom" narrative. (Oh, don't get me wrong: there are a lot of bad things in the world and we may be at kind of a tipping point, but beyond my one vote and my encouraging others to vote the way I do, there's not much else I can do; it seems, for example, the courts are largely abrogating their roles in some things and there's a lot of corruption. The world may be going to Hell but hopefully I don't have to go with it....)

* I'm also working on a harder piano piece. I've long loved "Jupiter" from Holst's "Planets" suite, and lately, its use in a favorite episode of Bluey of mine ("Sleepytime," and yes, it makes me bawl most every time*, but I still love it) motivated me to track down a solo-piano arrangement of the pieces.

"Jupiter" is hard and I may never be able to play the very introduction (cascading sixteenth notes in both hands, with a different pattern for each) fast enough to sound "right." But I am beginning to master some of the other bits, especially the part that was later transformed into the hymn-tune Thaxted and it pleases me. 

(*It's complicated why. I know some parents have Big Feelings about the episode because they see their kids growing up and realize they'll never again experience the little-kid things. But for me, it's the whole realization that I AM a grown-up - the bit where Bingo gives up her "lovey" Floppy (though as it turns out for just a bit) gets me - there are a lot of things about being a grown up that are hard and unpleasant and some of the consolations you had as a kid don't work any more**. But also the scene where Bingo is looking at her mother (in the form of the sun) and you hear Chilli's voice saying "I'll always be there for you, even if you can't see me, because I love you" REALLY gets me because - well, maybe everyone who's lost a parent that they loved and had a good relationship feels that and wishes maybe that they could feel that love more clearly. And last night - well, they re-ran it last night and it really got me, to the point where I was sobbing, because it was only a couple hours after my mom's call to let me know that she was, ultimately, going to be okay - yes, I worry too much. But I also know all to well there will be a day when I "can't see her' any more and I'll have to trust in the memory of her love and that somehow it lasts beyond this life..."

(** there's another episode where Chilli tells Bluey - who is sad because a friend she made briefly while camping has had to go back home to Quebec - that "The world is a magical place" and I really wish I still felt that more; some days it's hard to find the magic or even very much pleasantness. And yes, yes, I know: a truly mature person doesn't need someone else to reassure them or to show them the magic or whatever, they can find the niceness and the magic on their own but the thing is I can't, always, and that makes it hard...)

a tiny update

 I need to get home - it's nearly 5 pm and I've probably burned through my ability to comprehend reading about the Chevron deference overturn - but my mom called me

she has IMPETIGO

you know, like kids get sent home from daycare for? It's a staph or possibly strep infection on the skin. I'm guessing she got it from working in the garden; it's been very warm and humid there (that increases the likelihood of someone catching it) AND my mom is in her 80s and I know as you age your immune system gets less vigilant. 

For that matter she could have gotten exposed at the grocery store or even at church, I don't know how long the incubation period is. I suppose the "gee it feels like I have a canker sore" could have been the start of it.

the good news is it's treatable; she has Keflex and some kind of antibiotic ointment and has been warned to isolate at home for a couple days because it's so contagious. She did say she was tired and didn't have much appetite; that could be the infection or it could be the stress of having to go and sit at a minute clinic for an hour or two before she could be seen. I'm going to assume that since she started treatment the second day after symptoms appeared that it should clear up completely.

She thanked me for pressuring her to get it looked and and now I'm off the phone I'm having a little cry about the whole situation because I was SO scared it was going to be something very bad, or that it was an infection that had progressed very far and she'd have to go into hospital and also that I'm glad I didn't just accept her deflection of "oh I probably got into something I'm allergic to"

And yes, I am glad I was so forceful: untreated it can become cellulitis or even a systemic infection and that's very bad. I am *slightly* worried about the Keflex as she has some antibiotic allergies but I believe this is one she's safely taken before (I know I've taken it with no bad effects myself) and she recognized the symptoms of a reaction and would probably call someone for help. 

But yeah, I am now exhausted from being worried about that since last night, though I guess I'm glad it wasn't some big new allergy she'd have to figure out to avoid future exposures that could lead to anaphylaxis.

And worried today

 The reason last night's post (a finished sweater, after months and months) was not cheerier or more triumphant: I have a worry.

Well, I have MANY worries because (gestures at the state of the world) but I have my own individual ones.

The biggest one right now, is that when I Facetimed my mom last night, the lower left side of her face, including her lip, was all red and swollen, and she had a couple spots up higher on the cheek. I screamed when I saw it and I asked her what had happened. She THINKS it's an allergic reaction after working out in the garden in the heat and pollen. But I also remember her complaining last week of a sore spot INSIDE her mouth, and I'm wondering if she could have an abscess or something like cellulitis. I kept pushing for "go to the doctor, go to the doctor" and she complained about how it's hard to get an appointment with her GP (She REALLY needs to find a new doctor, but I get it, doctor shopping is hard and effortful and unpleasant). She's in her late 80s so anything that might be an infection has to be dealt with IMMEDIATELY or it can turn bad very quickly. She did say putting an ice pack on it helped with the swelling and discomfort. (It seems to have started suddenly, she said she felt a "prickling" on that side night before last, and it was like that when she woke up, and she had also had bad ear pain on that side, so I suppose she could also have gotten an insect bite without realizing it)

But anyway, I started pushing the idea of going to a minute clinic so they could at least assess it - in case she needed antibiotics or something like a corticosteroid shot. She finally agreed "well, if it's not better later on"

I went to bed, though, apprehensive, because I was afraid she'd just try to wait it out.

The other thing nagging in the back of my head was that next week is the five year anniversary of my dad's death, and while I don't *really* believe the universe works on evil patterns like that, I worry. And as I said on Bluesky: I am NOT READY to lose my mom.

I mean, I never WILL be. But I'm extra not ready right now with all the other distress in the world. 

I told her I'd call today to see how she was doing. I had originally said "late afternoon" but when I got up I was very anxious that if it were an allergic reaction it might get worse over night and affect her breathing (and had another weird thing that unsettled me in my half awake state*) so I called her a bit after 8. I didn't face time, and now I wonder if her lip was WORSE because she said "Yeah I'm going to go out to the minute clinic today to get it looked at (she had taken an antihistamine last night and that seemed not to affect it). She promised to call "around supper time" and in retrospect I should have set a time because I won't be able to relax until I hear.

(*I have a mouthguard, right? and it's a replacement for one I used to have that wore out, but I kept the worn out one in its little case in one of the cupboards under the sink in case I ever broke or lost this one. But when I got up this morning, after having exercised, I looked down on the rug and there was my mouthguard. And at first I thought it was the one I had taken out when I got up, that I clumsily didn't get it in the case and it fell, and I picked it up and rinsed it and opened the case.....and there was my mouthguard. This one had been in a closed plastic case in a cupboard. So how did it get out on the floor?

the two most PLAUSIBLE explanations:

1. When I was cleaning, I knocked some stuff over in there and it fell out and I didn't see it, because I did that AFTER I had cleaned the floors

2. Maybe I'm sleepwalking? I never did before and nothing else was disturbed or moved and why would I dig for my old mouthguard when I'm wearing the new one. And anyway I woke back up in bed and if I'm not careful how I step down on things it does cause a twinge in the knee that could be enough to wake me.

Less-plausible: there is a "critter" somewhere in the house and it opened the case and pulled the mouthguard out. That creeps me out because it would require a rat or larger (I think)_ to be able to do that, But also: nothing else was disturbed, there is no "sign" (when I had mice before I saw their droppings) and I had an open box of cookies on my dining room table and they didn't get into those)

Very non-plausible: I have a ghost and they are communicating with me this way. Okay ghost if you're there, do something else tonight, leave something in the middle of my living room floor where I can see it so I know it's you.)

Anyway, that unsettled me (because I got to thinking "what if it's a weird omen") so I called my mom early just to verify she was okay-ish

My HOPE is that either it's an allergic reaction that is on its way to going away (though it was worse than any angioedema I had with my hives)  and they were able to  give her a low dose of steroids to help it, or that it was a minor infection that one of the antibiotics she's not allergic to will treat. (It's possible the "sore" inside her mouth could have been a puncture that somehow led to an abscess, though really honestly the redness looked more like a bad reaction to a sting or an allergen to me, and she didn't report feeling feverish).

My two big worries are: this is something else (though I can't think of any cancer that would be so fast-moving as to present like that overnight) or it's an infection, but it's progressed too far to be treatable. 

So I am kind of extra a mess today even on top of all the worrisome news of the world, and the fact that I am trying to rework my environmental policy lectures to include stuff like the change in the Chevron Deference and I am both finding it all hard to comprehend, and also upsetting that I may have to constantly monitor everything to see what parts of what rules and acts have been dismantled. And also to do it would letting the pessimism I've developed leak through too much.

I'm really hoping for a call of "yeah it was an allergic reaction, they gave me a predinose dosepack and the swelling's going down" and I am fearing a "okay I am going to have to make arrangements to get up there 'cos she's in the hospital or it turns out it's something that will swiftly be terminal"

two quick pictures

 I finished Chalcedony late this evening. It's a little tight, especially the sleeves. It will probably work better over short-sleeved things than over anything very thick.

I'll probably also have to block it fairly aggressively, that might help with the sleeve width. Also, the front bands want to contract, and make it shorter.

Here's a little more detail:

I can't remember if it took 2 full and most of 1 skein, or 1 full and most of a second skein. (I can't believe it could take that little; each skein is under 500 yards. It must have been 2 and part of a third - so maybe 1400 yards). But I do have a full skein and maybe a couple hundred yards from another left over; enough for a small scarf I guess.

And some reading

 I wonder if my taste in reading is changing. I never used to care much for either fantasy or romance or fantasy-romance but now....

I used to MOSTLY read "classic" novels, but now I find a lot of the doorstopper books are very long, and I lose the thread of them in the middle (I hope I get the concentration to read them again back. I did finish "Wives and Daughters" last year (I think it was) and I enjoyed that one. But I burned out on "Dracula" because there are too many creepy things happening. My tolerance for creepy and especially violence and sadness has gone way down since the pandemic). I do still enjoy mystery novels, I'm still working on "Death on the Chertwell" but I've kind of put that aside because I have a new book I love that I'm reading on.

A while back (like, almost a year) someone on Bluesky reposted a post Sarah Beth Durst had made, about her new book coming out in July 2024, called The Spellshop. And it sounded like an intriguing story, and the sample copy of the book shown was very pretty - the pages are tipped in lavender (you don't often see books any more with colored page edges) and the picture on the front was very nice. It was described as a cottagecore rom-com and basically a fantasy romance and you know? Even though in the past I said I disliked romance novels, it interested me enough to pre-order a copy

It came over the weekend. I'm not too far into it yet - maybe a quarter of the way. It's very good. It sets up the world without being too obvious (for example, it's a couple chapters in that you realize the "humans" aren't ordinary humans - Kiela, the protagonist, is described offhand at one point as having sky blue skin and dark blue hair. But otherwise, she seems an ordinary enough human.

Well, her pet/assistant ISN'T. Caz is a sentient spider plant, magicked into consciousness by another librarian attempting a spell - magic is forbidden to most, and apparently that librarian was dismissed. But Kiela adopted Caz (though he - it? they?) seems pretty self-sufficient provided he can gather up a ball of fresh soil periodically (apparently he carries it along with him to feed his roots; he is capable of walking on his tendrils)

I will say the precipitating event of the whole adventure - where Kiela takes a barge filled with rescued spellbooks and sets off for an island, winding up on the one where she was born - is not very happy. There's a revolution going on on the mainland, and the city where Kiela's workplace (and home: she basically has a tiny apartment in the library, and lives off of food ordered from a cafeteria) is comes under attack from the .....well, rebels might not be the right word, maybe revolutionaries?  because these seem to be people mostly bent on smashing and destroying, and they set the library on fire* and Kiela and Caz JUST manage to escape. (Most of the other librarians have left; she was trying to pack up the spell books to transport them on barges to a safer spot. So she gets away with many of them, even though it's technically illegal for her to have them)

(*This may explain last night's dream - I was staying in a high rise hotel, presumably in "Manhattan" (I have never actually been there) and I was on a high enough floor that I could look out over numerous blocks, and about a block and a half away I saw another hotel on fire, and I kept calling 911 but they would not believe me and would not send firefighters. Actually a common low-level nightmare is "I have to do something, it's important, but I am thwarted from doing it" - the phone won't work, or I can't find the tool I need, or people won't believe me...)

But escape she does, and come to Caltrey, the island where she was born and lived as a girl. Her parents' house is still there - they never sold it, just left it when they moved to the city (her parents are dead; it's mentioned they died of a disease, which makes me wonder if a COVID like plague swept through the land). 

She and Caz find the house, and clean it, and carry the books up into it. 

And now it's my favorite part of books like this: she's figuring out how to live. Getting what she needs (she finds a bakery run by a sympathetic deer-woman who gives her some things and arranges for her to buy supplies) and fixing food and cleaning up the house to live there and planning for a garden and to maybe get chickens. (Back when I had to read Robinson Crusoe in high school, my favorite part was him figuring out how to find shelter and food; same with Island of the Blue Dolphins when I was a tween)

Oh, and there's Larran. The handsome (and buff) relative stranger who goes up on her roof to unclog the stove pipe after she smokes herself out of the house trying to cook. She's a little rude to him at first - by her lights he's a little presumptuous, showing up and helping, and I suspect she wonders what he wants in return. BUT it turns out the island people are not like the city people; they help when they can and do not expect repayment. Or, perhaps, as a saying I've seen: "Today you; maybe tomorrow me" meaning that "I help you out when I can because I will be helped (not necessarily by you) when I need it"

And yeah, that's kind of the tone of the book: the idea that there can be a better and more loving path, where you look at your neighbors not so much as a source of high profits as someone to have a relationship with and mutually help. (And yes, yes, the baker still charges for her bread; she has to buy supplies and live and all that. It's just....it's a much smaller and more community-oriented thing). 

And apparently Caltrey is suffering; it sounds like the wizards in the city have withdrawn their magical protection of the islands for inscrutable reasons. And so, Caltrey is more impoverished, and there seem to be shortages of things.....which is where the illegal spellbooks may come in....

Like I said: it's a pleasant and absorbing book (once you get past the burning library, and I had to warn a librarian friend who had bought it sight unseen). 

My possible next book is another fantasy (though it's also called "magical realism," apparently) is a book I really bought sight unseen, just based on the description in an ad from Bookshop: "The Dallergut Dream Department Store," apparently about a store that, in fact, takes place in dreams and sells dreams and meaning. It was written by a Korean woman and translated, which is interesting.

Also something that amuses me a tiny bit - and makes me wonder if this was intended as YA - two of the blurbs on the back are from K-Pop bandmembers. Now, I don't know much about K-Pop. I know it was tremendously popular, at least a couple years ago, and I remember the news about a couple members of one popular band hitting the age of compulsory military service and having to take a break from the band. I guess it's still popular? I don't know much about current pop music but it seems there are a fair few of the sentences in my Duolingo German practice where Junior (a child, probably about 9 or 10) and Zari/Sari (a young teen girl) talk about K-pop, so I presume it is still popular. 

It'll be interesting to see what it's like. 

As I said: I find fantasy, particularly things other than the "traditional" High Fantasy (where you have swordfights and dragons and stuff) interesting and fun to read now. And I like some of those, you might say counterfactual stories - "what if our world, but one specific thing was different" and this may be one of those. 

And at any rate: I find now I have a need for "gentler" stories, one that show a better world than the world I inhabit. (I still think the "Monk and Robot" books by Becky Chambers are among my favorites in the last five years, and they are very much "hopepunk" - showing a better world, both technologially/ecologically and in terms of how people act, than our world).

I am pretty confident "The Spellshop" will be another one of those "hope and kindness" books; already Larran and the deer-lady baker (she has a name but I don't remember it at the moment) are nice people who don't seem like the kindness they have is a "front" for being worse. (And I presume that Larran and Kiela will wind up together, that's been pretty well telegraphed).

And yeah, maybe my tastes in reading HAVE changed because the world now seems scarier and less kind than it did even ten years ago, and so being able to escape into a nicer world (that also gives you the hope that that world is possible) is good.

some slow progress

 * I'm a couple rows from being done with Chalcedony. I think I just finished row 9 (of 12) for the front band:

It's not terribly true to color, that photo. In real life it's darker and more of a blue - this looks gray or green.

* I will need to think about "next sweater" - I could (and probably should) finish A Cardigan for John, currently buried deep in my knitting basket. 

But also, my copy of "Farm and Fiber Knits" came Saturday and I really like the Chore Jacket in there, and also, I'm sure I have some yarn in my stash that would work for it - either a burgundy or a lavender, those are two I remember that I have a sweater-sized quantity of, and I'm sure there are a couple others. 

And I found the pattern for the Moon Moth pullover again, and I might like to start that. I'll have to think.

* One other thing I had ordered was a new pair of Birkenstocks. Buying mail order shoes is a gamble because it's hard for me to figure out the correct size - I take anywhere from a 7 1/2 to an 8 1/2 depending on how the shoe is built, and I have narrow feet. 

At least with Birkenstocks I know I need a 38 (European sizing) and narrow. So I ordered a pair with the vague hope that a more supportive footbed might help my knees.

I wore them today. It made a BIG difference. I think the problem is soft-soled shoes with less support are allowing my knee to flex backwards at times, and that HURTS. Apparently a thing in dealing with a damaged mensicus is to avoid "unnatural" positions for the knee, that that's what causes pain.

Honestly, if my knee always felt like it did today I would be FINE without surgery, and avoiding surgery is a goal here for me. So I'm hoping maybe a few weeks in really firm shoes will let some of the irritated muscles rebuild and maybe I can slowly transition back to wearing some of my other shoes? Or, if not....well, I buy a pair of black Birks (the ones I have are brown) and maybe a pair of the Tokio style (enclosed front) for really cold days and I just give away all my other shoes. 

that was today

 I decided to stay home (it was hot) and clean house (it needed it; some tasks I hadn't done, or hadn't done satisfactorily, since before I injured my knee). 

Most of the time spent cleaning for me is putting stuff away or FINDING a place to stow stuff. If I were having a new house built I would definitely arrange for a BUNCH of storage, like maybe just one long narrow-ish windowless room with shelves on all the walls, so I could just put stuff in storage tubs and stick it in there. Really storage is my biggest problem - the attic isn't that accessible and I don't have a basement. (My mom has a basement and stores a lot of stuff there; she also has a much larger garage than I do). 

I started out doing the sort of "scattered" cleaning - where I pick something up and put it away and then find something to do in the room I went in and do that and it takes a while to get things done but it feels kind of efficient. Eventually I shifted to "okay I really need to get at least one room fully done" and started on the kitchen. Including wetmopping the floor, and I did some laundry (towels, sheets, and throw rugs) while doing that. I moved to the dining room, which I admit sometimes becomes a bit of a junk room because I only need enough space to sit at the table, and a place to keep my cookbooks, but I cleared a lot of stuff out and vacuumed and wetmopped the floor (they're sealed wood so if you don't go TOO wet, it's fine). 

The family room, where I spend the most of my time, was the worst - I cleared the junk off the piano and rearranged the framed family photos, and rearranged the stuffed animals that live on the futon sofa.

They were actually what initiated my plan to clean - Monday, when I had to replace the blind, I had to move the futon sofa, and some of them fell on the floor, and just to make it easy I swept them all off and then just threw them back on there randomly when I was done (it was late, I was tired, I needed to eat and shower) and I need to both have a place to sit on the sofa and also I have a particular way I like them arranged. 

EVENTUALLY I got stuff picked up and enough furniture moved I could sweep, and then vacuum up the sweepings. Really the most annoying "mess" thing to me is the sheer amount of dust/crumbs/bits of paper/my own shed hair that wind up on the floor every day, and I am not tidy enough (and often feel I don't have time*) to sweep or use an electrostatic cloth daily

(*I probably do have time but I also resent giving up my "free time" - which is very limited some days - to do chores)

From there, I cleaned the bathroom. Well,okay - I had cleaned the surface of the vanity earlier, tidying up the stuff there and cleaning it with the Mrs. Meyers spray I use for surfaces. So I just had to vacuum and wet mop the floor, and clean the shower.

I actually wound up cleaning the shower/tub WHILE I WAS IN IT washing my hair - it was like 6 pm, I didn't feel like doing it first or waiting and doing it after. It's not the best job ever but it's better than it was. (And this is why I use low-irritant, low-toxicity cleaning supplies like Mrs. Meyers - so I can do something like that and not worry)

My knee periodically griped me all through it - it seems like if it tries to "hyperextend" (bend "backwards" so the kneecap isn't in a straight line with the rest of the leg), I would get sort of a 'pinching' pain. I suppose that's the stupid meniscus, but eventually it got better (and I took tylenol with dinner and it's much better now). I figured the cleaning was enough exercise for the day; the half of the day my phone was in my pocket (I had the BBC app on but eventually took it out and plugged the phone in to charge) I managed to rack up about 2500 steps. (It included several trips out to the trash can in that)

I made a homemade pizza for dinner and called my mom (we typically talk on Friday nights) and then after that, changed out the sheets on my bed. I used the "Treefort" shark-print sheets, which are a "microfiber" material (Polyester) and I really hope they are not too warm for our current weather but I wanted something different than the rotation of "cream or white" I had been doing.

So that was my whole day but at least the house is clean now (at last for a while).

at loose ends

 * I don't know whether to go in and work tomorrow (campus is technically closed on Fridays, and often they turn the airconditioning to a warmer temperature, and it's already too warm in the faculty offices) or stay here and clean/put away a lot of stuff. I'm leaning towards doing at least a partial cleaning - it might make me feel a bit better to have some of the clutter put away and to vacuum the floors again (and wet mop the kitchen and bathroom)

* I'm about 1/3 of the way through the top of the second sock, that's mainly what I've been working on. I'm going to try to work through a couple of the inprogress things before I start anything new - I also have the Chalcedony sweater to finish, and the pair of mitts, and a couple other things. 

* And I want to get back to the Moominhouse stuff and keep working on that, I need to finish that some day. 

* I finally got back to doing the PT stretches. I had got out of the practice of them when I pulled a muscle in my back (probably from having to walk a bit unevenly) and then I made it worse with having to deal with that windowshade and then carting the cut brush down to the curb the next day (in the heat - but the city DID come and haul it off, so that was good). 

I need to force myself to do those. My hips and lower back were hurting and now, after doing them, they're much better, and I can tell that my hamstrings are tight. 

I just have to have the discipline to do it, though realizing how much better I feel after doing it (after having not done it for over a week) it may motivate me more to keep doing it. 

It is kind of annoying though how much of a person's "free" time (in the sense of "time not at paid work or volunteer work or other obligations") in things dedicated to taking care of yourself. 

* That said - my phone records "walking asymmetry" (a measure of limping/walking unstably). I don't know how *absolutely* accurate it is - and I know when I work out and have to tuck the phone in my sports bra since I don't have pockets on the shorts I wear it's going to record a higher value from my upper body swaying side to side more than I would while walking) but the trendline, even if it's not giving the correct absolute value, shows a steady decline in asymmetry, which seems to be a good sign. And I can walk faster now than I did before. I don't know if I'll ever be able to run without having the yucky surgery, but honestly? I didn't run for like 30 years before the injury, I just walked fast when I had to get somewhere quickly.

I do still have times where I get pain if I walk too far, or too long on a hard surface, but I'm hoping it's partly weak muscles that will get better over time.  I'm managing between 3500 and 4000 steps most days, that seems fairly respectable. 

* It's very hot again. I might consider going out and doing something tomorrow or Saturday but it's supposed to be near on to 100F even without the heat index and I just can't with that. We might get some rain and cooler temperatures late next week. Summer just gets tiresome here because the weather never changes and it's so hot.

wednesday morning things

 * Got a bunch of things coming in the mail, which gives me something to look forward to (which is important to me). One of my Bluesky mutuals (Hi Diann) mentioned that Long Thread Media is perhaps starting a new knitting magazine called "Farm and Fiber Knits" (webpage here) and because I still both love actual "paper" magazines (as opposed to online patterns, where you either must refer to your laptop/phone or have the ability to print them out) and am still mourning the death of the paper version of Interweave Knits, I thought I'd give it a try. Also, I've been happy with Long Thread's adoption of Piecework and how they've kept it going. I get the sense that they're a company that cares about their subject matter (as opposed to F and W and now whoever bought the rights to Interweave)

 

I'll see how the magazine is when it comes but based on the information on the website, I really hope they can make a go of it (TEN patterns, plus several features!) and they print more editions. If they make it something like a quarterly or bimonthly I'll definitely subscribe.

 I miss having a knitting magazine that comes in the mail. 

* My copy of The Spellshop (which is sort of a magical/fantasy/romance novel) is on its way, just published. The author promoted it on Bluesky and I read about it and not only is it a PRETTY book (it has lavender-edged pages! It has a nice cover), it sounds fun and interesting and maybe a story I need right now.

(I am still slowly, with breaks, working through the re-read of Dracula, but at times it feels sad and suffocating and I can't always with that. I am still reading "Death on the Chertwell" but am at a slow bit of it - one of the protagonists is meeting with her sister and the sister's husband and while I suppose it moves the story forward, they're less-interesting characters).

I also ordered, largely sight unseen, a novel promoted as "Korean magical realism" that's called The Dallergut Dream Department Store and perhaps yes, I do long for a bit of magic and fantasy in my life, as my quotidian life is rather boring at the moment. It'll be interesting to see what it's like; it should come in a week or two (Both books ordered from the excellent Bookshop.org, which also provides a tiny bit of support to brick and mortar indie bookstores - the only one near me seems not to participate in the program but if they start up, I'll mark them as "my" bookstore)

*I also ordered some new-to-me yarn, supposedly a heritage-style heritage-breed sockyarn made in the UK. Partly in order to get the free stitch markers that were available with the Simply Socks yarn order, but yes, it is nice to once in a while try a different yarn. I bought about 400 yards but have not yet settled on whether it will become socks or fingerless mitts. It's sort of....a light loden green, I guess, is the best color description

hopefully not all those things come on the same day; I wish I could space it so I got one package a day when stuff was coming to me because then you've got several days of nice things instead of one (or where you have to not-open some of the things you bought when they come, to stretch out the pleasure of New Stuff)

* I do need to get back to knitting more. I went to dig something out of a storage box in my guest room yesterday and .... yeah, I have a LOT of yarn and I seem not to knit much any more. It does feel like it's harder for me to sit still and work on stuff any more, I'm not sure why that is. 

* But tonight is the monthly round of meetings (Elder's and Board) at church, so, yeah, unless I break out of here early (=get the reading I intend to finish completed), I won't get to knit much tonight. 

* Also, a self-soothing sort of thing (?I guess?) I've been doing has been slowly going through the various "small Japanese apartment/house" videos one guy has up on YouTube. He's lived here, so though he's not Japanese, he seems respectful enough of the cultural differences, and he does interview Japanese people (some of them the residents of the apartment buildings he's touring.

here's an example:

There's a whole series of these. This is one of the nicer of the apartments; there's one where a "concept building" was turned into apartments so each room is centered on one room type with very little else - so there's an apartment that is literally an entryway space, a bed, and a bathroom area, and another one in the same building that has a very large nice tub but no place to cook and just a loft to sleep in (the man living there I think said he took all his meals out?)

I don't know. I find it interesting even as I know I couldn't do it. I have too much stuff, and I don't live somewhere where I could just go out for every single meal (and I think that would get tiresome), it's still interesting to see how people manage with the various constraints and how a lot of them are very cheerful to have a relatively inexpensive apartment.

I suppose if you do have a number of "fast and healthful" restaurants and konbini-mart type places, maybe not being able to cook much is less of an issue. 

(Though still I wonder how these residents managed during the pandemic: how would you get food if the restaurants were closed and you could not cook at home? How would you survive a stay-at-home order in like 200 square feet?)

another question I have in light of what I've been dealing with: most of these places seem to have a loft for sleeping with a ladder you must climb up - or there's one in another video that's five separate layers (entryway with a living space and then loft above, a main living space with kitchen below, and then bathroom below that) all with ladders. What do you do if you're injured to the point where you can't climb ladders? One of my longtime objections to having a loft type bed for myself was "I don't want to have to navigate a ladder in the middle of the night if I need the bathroom" (and while yes, there are things you can do to urinate without having to go into the bathroom, I would rather not do those things, and it's harder for my style of "plumbing" than it would be for someone with the OTHER style of "plumbing").

I'm guessing if you become disabled or seriously injured for a long time you just have to move? Or if you have a space you can get to without a ladder, maybe you just live in those few feet until you're better? I don't know. 

Maybe it's a tradeoff worth making - having a smaller, more confined space but you are in the middle of a vibrant city where you can get everything you want? The closest I had to that was in Ann Arbor and even then it was quite a long walk to get to places (and there wasn't great public transport, no light rail you can hop on and off). And yes, there, I lived in the smallest space I ever have (except for the dorm room) because apartments were expensive and I preferred not to try to negotiate several roommates. But even then the studio apartment I was in had a full bathroom (and not a tub right in the middle of the apartment, either) and it was like 20' by 25' even not counting the hall and bathroom space. But that felt really small after a while - and now I imagine trying to be a student doing online college in 2020 from that space and yeah, no.

considering society now

 I've been (probably not good for me) reading some stuff written during the pandemic (or shortly after*). And people pointing out - RIGHTLY - that while locking down at home** was important to "flatten the curve," it also had  a lot of traumatic effects on people.

(*yes, some people vehemently argue IT'S NOT OVER but by their measure the 1918 flu pandemic never ended)

(**as much as we in the US ever did so. The UK was stricter - in some cases, ridiculously so (not allowing people to walk alone, more than a certain distance, outside) and NZ and some of the Asian countries were even stricter than that. But even with the lax lockdown in the US, some of us were MUCH more cautious. It's really only this year I started eating *inside* restaurants again, and I really did spend darn near a year only going to the grocery store or pharmacy - and then only when necessary)

I admit I imagined that people who had close families probably had an easier time than I - all alone, and EXTREMELY alone - did.. But maybe not? In my own circle I've seen a couple divorces in the past couple years, and other people I know report witnessing similar. That in some cases familiarity really did breed contempt, or unresolved irritations came to the surface.

I mostly just cried a lot. And gained 10 pounds because while I was still forcing myself to work out, I wasn't *walking* anywhere and now looking at the step-count on my phone? MOST of the steps I take in a day are just walking around - walking down to the lab to get something at work, walking in the grocery store, walking/being on my feet during class. And I did lose a lot of the ability to enjoy stuff, which hasn't fully come back yet. And I knit far less now, and I think that's part of it.

But I think also people have become more *hostile.* I've complained about the times people drove aggressively at me - running a red light when it was clearly red when they got to it, or yesterday, a guy just bombing out of a side street where he had a stop sign and I had the right of way, and he didn't look, he just went. And yeah, some of that could be inattention but also based on stuff I've seen in public places there does seem to be an attitude on some people's part of "I am the ONLY one who matters"

And we've had a lot more "incidents" on campus. Right now, there is a campus police cruiser parked - basically like those decoy owls you put up to stop birds trying to nest in your eaves - because apparently there is someone who is APPARENTLY employed here (and inexplicably to me, still is***) who was verbally abusive to at least one of our staff people and maybe more than one. And the person he was abusive to - the one I talked to - is a tough cookie (family in law enforcement, rents out houses so has to be a businessperson) and they reported that they were scared enough they called campus police

(*** and this is wild to me because I am a believer in "permanent records" and feel like if I were even somewhat justifiably harsh in speaking to a student, I'd be called on the carpet, and possibly stripped of tenure)

I  don't like it. It puts me on edge to think "okay look for this one particular vehicle when you are getting ready to go out to your car and if it's there, maybe you're better off waiting to leave"

And I honestly don't know how much of the "hostility" I see is (a) real (b) has increased in recent years or if I'm just noticing it more. And it's kind of awful how I've become a bit more fearful of interactions - less prone to help someone who might need it - and less open to friendly overtures. And at the same time there seem to be fewer casual social things to do, so I *am* alone a lot of the time, especially in summers when there's no class going on.

(An example of me not helping someone: Friday morning a man walking down the sidewalk stopped in my drive, stooped over, and vomited. I was kind of shocked; in retrospect it was MAYBE someone who was at an Independence Day party that ran late/who passed out somewhere after the party, and it was the result of Too Much Beer, but I admit my first thought was "I should check if he's OK." But then my second thoughts were: (a) No, Norovirus and other viruses are making the rounds again, don't expose yourself to them and (b) you don't know the guy, you don't know what his deal is, he might be dangerous.

I DID watch - I figured if he collapsed I'd be justified in calling EMS - but after he was done he stood back up and kept walking, so.....I guess my assessment of "he was overserved at a party" might have been right. 

I contemplated making a bucket of dilute bleach water and dumping it on the spot just in case it was norovirus (though I don't think he'd be able to walk that well if he had that; I've had it and you are NOT mobile with it). I forgot, though, but I assume yesterday's rain washed the remnants of it all away. And anyway, I never walk at the base of my drive - I walk across the yard to get to the mailbox - so I wasn't going to step in it. 

But it does worry me on a low level to see how much community and trust we seem to have lost in the last eight to ten years, and I don't know how we get it back. I think of stuff when I was a kid - the town I grew up in had a town ice cream social WHERE PEOPLE BROUGHT HOME BAKED CAKES OR PIES TO SHARE and now I think about that I am amazed. Not just from the stand point of "just one person who has a bit of a twist to them and they could do something like bake Ex-Lax into the chocolate cupcakes" but also the whole allergens thing! And my maternal grandmother almost never locked her door, even into the 1980s. And while I was taught not to pick up hitchhikers, still, there was more trust of people and I knew people who did it (and never had a bad outcome). 

And yeah, maybe the "bad things happen when you trust people" is overblown, and that one time out of 100 when a hitchhiker steals the person's car and leaves them stranded is the one that makes the news. 

But it does seem the mood of the country has changed of late, and not for the better. And a lot of us are lonely, but are also dismayed at how some folks behave in public, and we're being pushed to do more to support those with less even as we feel like we have less than we once did because of inflation, and it does seem to me that genuine laughter is rarer, and connection is rarer, and I don't know if it's just ME still having the equivalent of a "parking boot" on my brain because of the pandemic and the various losses in my life or if there really is something going on in our society.

And yeah, I get it: I basically have two choices here: first, continue being lonely and accept that there are gonna be a lot of unhappy times and that I might die sooner than I would otherwise (loneliness is a risk factor for heart disease and stuff) OR  go out and try to socialize/make friends and deal with the inevitable times of rejection, or the sense of trying to join a group and feeling the vibe being off and wondering if it's that they don't really want you there....and I don't know. The reason I've not done anything is that I put up with a LOT of rejection in my younger life, and I'm not sure I'm up to deal with a lot of it again. But I also realize friendships aren't going to fall into my lap. And the agony is, I don't know which of those two options are worse.

and yes: I did mention it to my counselor, and her reaction was "no, you're not alone in this, a lot of people I have talked to have complained it is very hard to socialize here if you don't have kids that are involved in sports" and it kind of feels to me like the lack of social options beyond "go to the casino"(which is actually NOT social, just lonely people sitting at slot machines) or "have a kid who plays soccer" is not something it should have to be my job to fix. But maybe it is, I don't know, and I'm too busy/lack the people skills for that. (Also in my experience with organizing groups - you do 80% of the work and then people stop showing up after a couple weeks)

quite a day

 Over the weekend I did finish the first of the "Clumsy Cat" (that's Opal's name for the colorway) socks and started the second:

This morning, I got up, did my 30 minute workout (I seem to do better during the day, as far as how my knee feels, if I start off with exercise - which is what makes me wonder if most of this is actually arthritis). Went in to work, did one sample's worth of stuff. Came home at lunch, and as I was finishing my lunch, it began to rain *extremely* heavily (we got some of the outer edges of Beryl, all we got was heavy rain). 

I decided not to go back - I didn't have a good umbrella and some of the streets around campus do flood in downpours.

And then...the lights flickered a few times, and then went out. At first I panicked a bit - did the redbud come down (it got damaged when the trunk of the elm came down back in May) and somehow hit the powerline? But I texted my across the street neighbor (and walked into my sewing room to look at the redbud). Neighbor texted back - yeah, our power is out too. And the redbud was fine. 

So I submitted an outage report to the power company.

And then I decided: well, no point in going back to campus (when they got the outage posted on the map, it did look like campus was affected). I set up a battery-operated camp lantern and then decided to open the blinds all the way in the living room, and then, well, why not wind off some yarn? That doesn't take electricity....

I got the first skein going when one of the blinds made a "snap" and fell down - the thin threads that hold the slats together broke (they seem to rot, periodically.. I don't know. the blinds in my mother's house are over 25 years old and are still fine; the ones I get don't make it five years.. I wonder if the blinds I get are more cheaply made).

So I groaned and hoped that Lowe's still had that kind. Decided to try taking the old one off - it looked bad and even if the power didn't come back on early enough for me to get a new one, it's not like the blind is blocking people from looking in anyway as it was.

It was a pain. It's hard removing those blinds.

Remember: my knee still hurts somewhat, and I did about 2 miles on the cross country ski exerciser, plus walking over at school, and now I'm going up and down on a stepladder. I finally used a screwdriver to pop the other side.

I took the blind with me, but that wound up not helping - I was so focused on the correct width of blind that I didn't notice I was getting the "faux wood slat" kind, and the slats were wider, AND even if I was okay with it not matching (I would not have been), the hardware was very different.

So I went back. Waited in line approximately forever at Customer Service (to be fair: the person ahead of me was apparently a builder with a major problem that something was delivered damaged and other things not delivered at all). Got my refund, went to look for the right kind of blind (after having closely looked at the ones at home, and even photographed a slat next to my thumb for scale). I found them, the hardware *looked* right. They didn't have a 31" one (which was what I needed, and would have been 30.5" on the inside). I debated getting one cut, or getting the 29" (so: 28.5") one instead.

Decided I wasn't getting one cut: no one was around, and they say they're not refundable if they're not right. Okay, fine.

So I bought the 29" blind

Got it home, opened it.

The #*$&@#(# hardware was *different* from the blinds. The blind LOOKED like it would work with the old hardware (see picture above), but it did not, the little latches were different enough. 

And there was no point in returning it! It was either this, or hang a sheet up over the window before I could hire someone, AND buy four new blinds, and have them installed. 

So I decided to swap out the hardware myself. I remembered that the LAST time I had to change hardware (the last time I bought a new set of blinds) the wood frames were really hard (they are like oak or something) and I had to drill pilot holes.

Well, I got the old hardware off with a hand screwdriver, that was fine. 

Then I couldn't find my drill.

I got back down off the stepladder, sat on the bottom step, defeated. Then I thought: call Dana, she probably has a drill, you could even drive there and get it (And yes, it crossed my mind she might offer to do it FOR me, she's handy). But she wasn't home/was away from her cell phone (often when she's doing stuff with her grandkids, she turns it off). 

So I cussed a little

and then I had a cry, picked myself up, dusted myself off, and kept going.

So, with some difficulty (I kept getting weird muscle cramps - I don't know if it was using muscles I'd not used in a long time, or I was tense and tired, or what.. I hope something's not medically wrong but that's top of mind because next week is my routine bloodwork, and the week after that, my annual checkup) I managed to get the pilot holes drilled, and got the hardware installed. 

It was a FIGHT. The whole thing was a fight. Even once I got the hardware on  it was very hard to get the top of the blind to click in, and I almost gave up.

So I had to have another small cry, and decide if I wanted to just go "this is how I live now":

 

I had to use the screwdriver again to press on one of the tabs so it would snap in, and I'm not convinced it's in there perfectly (I suspect if we get another tiny earthquake at some point, it may fall down)

And it's DIFFERENT from the others. There was no cord to pull to raise or lower the blinds: you are supposed to, and I quote, "carefully pull or push WITH BOTH HANDS on the bottom rail" in order to raise or lower the blind. 

Yeah, we'll see how that works. 

But I'm irritated that Levolor changed their hardware, apparently capriciously. They've done this before a couple times: literally every time I've had to replace a blind I've had to redo the hardware and that's annoying. (I suspect it's an attempt to make people replace ALL the blinds in the room when they have to replace one). 

it was 6:30 pm when I FINALLY finished. I started this process just around 3:30 pm

so: it was 2 trips out to Lowe's, one refund, hunting for first a screwdiver and then the drill, many trips up and down the stepladder, a lot of shoulder/back cramps, a stitch in my side, getting dizzy from having my arms over my head too long, I FINALLY got it to click in:

 THEN I decided I wanted to wet-swiffer behind the futon I had pulled out (I hadn't done that in a LONG time) and re-hang the curtains and push the futon sofa back and THEN wash my hair and eat.

Anyway. I hope no more blinds break for a while. 

And yeah, maybe some time I save up some money and ask around for "what are the BEST blinds that don't have filaments that snap" and see if I can just hire someone room by room to replace them. (I admit I kind of liked the look of the faux wood ones; those might have been nice in my bedroom. But it would be four blinds, in two different sizes, and the hardware for each to install)'

But yes, it does things that things are worse made now, and more prone to wear out, and more requiring of being frequently replaced at a cost, and that annoys me, both in terms of the cost and effort, AND the extra waste produced - not just throwing away the old one but all the packaging with the new ones.

little selfcare things

 I did take a little time this afternoon and made a quick run to Michael's and to the Target. I needed some groceries, and in this heat I've been leaning heavily on fruit and also on frozen things that can quickly be heated up, and Target has a pretty good supply of both. (I was able to find Ranier cherries, which don't commonly show up in the groceries in my town). And I got some potstickers (read the label carefully, nothing I am sensitive to) and a few other staple-type things I need.

And I also needed a new pair of lightweight summer pajamas - I have a set or two but one of them is very nearly worn out, and I thought, well, Target sometimes has cute pajamas. 

Nothing in the more-classic section - there were some sort of Hawaiian print things but I didn't like the shorts with them (very short, and being made of woven fabric, if they don't fit JUST right, they're very uncomfortable as pajamas). So I looked around a bit more, and in the  "trendy" stuff saw some t-shirts and knit shorts. I was almost ready to go with a plain color short and a Care Bears shirt when I saw this

Yeah, the first bit of Bluey merch I've bought. But they're also knit fabric (more comfortable for pajamas) and the shorts (with simple outline Blueys all scattered over) are VERY cute. 

So that's one sort of self care thing; it does kind of delight me to have them, and it's nice to have another good set of lightweight pajamas so you're not scrambling when the ones you were using have to go into the wash.

At the Michael's, I had got myself a previous treat (these kits are kind of expensive, but I had a coupon that took like 20% off)

Yeah, I didn't learn my lesson with that tricky Wednesday Addams kit - this is a VERY similar design (except here, Dolly has her, ah, most PROMINENT features) and I expect it'll be fiddly to do (I might go up a hook size; I know I struggled with the D or E sized hook that was in the Wednesday kit). But the doll is cute and the kind of nice little mascot that's fun to tuck onto a bookshelf. 

And speaking of dolls - one of the doll blogs I read from time to time quoted another blog: "dolls are for that moment when you look over at one and their beautiful little face brings you such joy that everything feels alright"

and yeah. Yeah. That's why I keep a few of them around. Sometimes looking at them, or posing them, or changing their clothes, makes you feel all right for at least a few minutes*

and this is a doll I bought a while back, she's from Disney Store (mail ordered): Maribel Madrigal, my favorite character in Encanto, which is a movie I actually REALLY LIKE. (I know some folks kind of panned it, though I wonder if the stuff that came out "streaming first" during the pandemic took a little popularity hit. Or, if in some cases, there's a weird reflexive dislike some people have of Lin-Manuel Miranda, which sometimes feels to me like the old hipster "ooh, NORMIE people like him") But anyway: it's an interesting story with interesting characters, and the whole deeper themes of gifts and what's expected of you and what happens if you can't "live up" to your gift and also family issues like some stern older relative expecting a lot of you....Anyway, I liked it a lot.

And so, here's Maribel. 

 She's articulated - not just at the shoulders and hips (dolls in this size class - roughly fashion doll size) had that kind of articulation when I was a kid, but sometimes nothing more. So they could kind of sit, in a very splay-legged way sometimes, but not sit PROPER, with knees bent. (A few of them, yeah, had those rubber legs with the click-clack knees inside that sometimes broke and stopped bending). And almost none of them had arm articulation

One thing that I feel like is a big advance in smaller dolls now is lots of articulation. Maribel isn't even as highly articulated as some, but her knees bend (hinge joints) and she can bend her elbows and wrists (so, for example, she can hold the accordion that came as one of her accessories - the others are a candle like the one in the movie, and the little stuffed-toy jaguar, and a toucan, and a capybara, and she also has a cape that "matches" her top and can go over it, I presume for colder weather?)

And I like that. I approve of dolls being able to sit properly or to hold things. And she's a very cute doll - she's chunkier than the typical fashion doll (I'm not going to be weird and take a picture of her with her skirt lifted, but the shape of her legs is more similar to my own shape than your typical Barbie) and she just feels sturdy, which is nice. And she has a cute face. Right now she's sitting on my piano; at some point I'm going to have to go through and readjust where things are so there's less clutter (I need to put up at least a few shelves somewhere for some of my collections)

(*Another thing about "stuff that makes you feel all right" - I think that's also why I keep stuffed animals on my bed; often at night I'll reach out and grab one and push it against my chest; it makes me feel less ALONE somehow, even if I know it's really just basically a differently-shaped pillow; somehow things having a face makes them more relatable and seem more "for real life."