week is loud

I don't know if my tolerance is down, or if things are just LOUD now. Sometimes I do hit a point where noise (or it being too warm, or too bright, or a number of other things) feels like it's just too much.

Monday, I had to speak to people in one class about talking during class. Not asking or answering questions or discussing, but carrying on a side conversation.

Yesterday, I had to go down to central campus to help with the children's play. They're doing construction on one of the buildings there and there was a scissor lift with a loud backup beep, and cutting steel, and drilling, and hammering. And then in the building where the theater was, the kids were loud and the music was loud and it was just a lot of people. I had to stay home a bit longer after eating lunch to be in the quiet, but I did get back to campus later to work on some research stuff (but even then, there was noise in the hall). 

And then, late in the day, an e-mail: the cooling system in part of the classroom building died. It'll take 12 weeks to fix EVEN AFTER the money can be allocated for it (it will involve the regents, so that will take a while). Fans are being brought in.

Well, they were here this morning: big, industrial fans that sound a bit like a jet engine. And one of them - the one near the classroom where I teach - had a loud, recurrent squeak. I looked at it in despair when I went there to see what the noise was before class.

I guess I'm too meek and too prone to accept things like that; one of my colleagues came down the hall, looked at it, shook his head, and said "no one can teach with that going. I'm turning it off and calling physical plant"

By my second class, there was a new one. It didn't squeak but it was still loud in a way that sort of invaded my concentration. (I find it harder to pay attention and think when there's noise). It's also very humid in that part of the building now - and this is the part where the AC is still kind of OK). I teach a lab tomorrow in the worst-affected part, so I presume it's going to be unpleasant (I should, if I need it, have time to shower before Maundy Thursday services tomorrow night; I am a reader). 

This afternoon I taught a lab in the field, we were late getting back (every single stinking stoplight, all ten of them we had to pass through, was red when we got to it). I was late getting to the Gen Ed council meeting (I don't like being late) and I had to return the van late (at least the Motor Pool person was nice about it).  But it was a lot and I hate rushing around and feeling like I can't get everything done. 

But it's just a lot.  I'm especially unhappy that things seem to keep breaking in my building - this is the building, remember, we were exiled from for nearly six months while they "renovated" (most of the renovations seem to have been cosmetic). And just, oh, everything. Our most recent job search may fail because the legislators in the state have changed the rules and we can't extend an offer until we get clarification, And now, from Gen Ed council, we're hearing another thing the outgoing governor is proposing may mean a lot more additional work from us. 

And I am just fed up, and kind of in a cycle where a lot of things feel unrewarding because there are so many silly little external thing that aren't really part of what I consider my job, but that I have to deal with. And I feel like I've gotten very few "wins" lately, and haven't really heard any "attagirls," and yes, I NEED some kind of external validation. I know I should not, but I do, and when I got long without any I figure "Well, maybe what I suspected is actually true: I'm not really very good at anything." 

So it's just been a rough week all along, and I don't see much improving with the building environment. 

Tuesday evening things

 * I pulled out a stalled project tonight; these are the "book lovers mitts" (The original design has you change colors every time the ribbed pattern shifts, so it looks like books on a shelf, I guess). I decided to just use a variegated yarn

I started these at Christmas but got involved with other projects and lost my place. I managed to find it again (I think, I had to rip back a little)

I'm using a yarn dyed by Purl's Yarn Emporium; it's one of their DnD themed yarns (that also have a slight Tolkien feel). This colorway is called "Healing Hands," which seems appropriate for mitts. 

It's kind of the wrong time of year to work on stuff like this; we're rolling into the hot months (and March was abnormally warm and dry this year). But you work on what you feel like working on, and if I only knit in the winter I'd almost not knit at all.

* Tomorrow is April Fools' Day. I do not love this day. I tend to be literal minded and I also get wrapped up in what I'm working on or thinking about and so I get "caught." And with my past history of having been the butt of jokes (once or twice even by a TEACHER) as a kid, I hate it extra. It makes me feel stupid and I don't like feeling like that, because I feel "if I don't have my smarts I don't really have anything"

Anyway, I'm going to have to pay attention tomorrow. Because while there are sometimes just funny and silly pranks that are okay, there are also enough meanspirited people who like to be able to laugh at someone else's expense - or people who are literally thoughtless (in that: they don't think) and who don't know me all that well, and don't realize that that kind of thing is very painful to me. 

Because I don't make a big deal about it. I don't get mad, or I don't chew the person out, or explain that I don't appreciate it, because one thing you learn as a bullied child is to react as little as possible - even if it sometimes means putting up with some forms of mistreatment. Because if the person you speak out to is genuinely a jerk, they may actually enjoy your being unhappy and may do it all the MORE.

* And yeah, it does feel like there are an awful lot of mean-spirited people out there, and it makes me sad.

I ordered for myself a small giclee print an artist did - it shows a curled-up opossum on a bed of leaves, and has the legend "The world is cruel; therefore I will not be" and yes, that's true, and refusing to be meanspirited is a form of resistance In These Times but it also does sometimes feel kind of weird and lonely and may set you up to be laughed at. 

I hate how often now doing what I know to be right gets you stomped on or laughed it. I suppose it was always thus but it somehow feels MORE now. 

*Though I also saw a sweatshirt that said "I could be meaner" and sometimes I admit, yeah, maybe I could be. Maybe I could guard myself a little more tightly or yell at people more when they trespass on my feelings or not be so accommodating to other people. But I don't KNOW how to be meaner, and I suspect I would feel bad about myself if I were. 

*It's hard trying to be a "soft" person in a world full of sharp elbows :( 

The finished socks

 I worked on these some over break, but didn't finish them; sometimes plain knit socks get hard to finish the foot on, because it takes a while and it gets a little dull. But I pushed at it over this weekend and got up to the toe, and now they're done

 The colorway is called "Cosmic Dust" - the base yarn also has a silver thread running through it. To me, they look like either a 1980s video-game arcade carpet, or maybe a movie theater color scheme from that era. 

I like them.

And I kind of wonder if the fluorescent-colored bits would glow under blacklight (I don't have one, and I don't think there's one in the department - sometimes we have those for botany classes to show the ultraviolet markings on flowers, nectar guides)

I'm not sure which to start next. I do have other ongoing projects (Mitts, the unicorn, a couple sweaters, Lithos, the shawl) to work on too. I am keeping the shawl for invigilating knitting, at least until I get to the lace part (about 40 more rows)

I might do a cabled pair out of a handdyed yarn I ordered off Etsy; the colorway is called "succulents" and the colors do kind of look like some of the succulent plants that have been popular recently. 

 

a dinner out

 But not at a restaurant!

Our graduate student - who is from India - was cooking for the international student club tonight, and invited us to come and have dinner with them. I went ahead and accepted, even though I am (a) a bit of a picky eater and (b) have some food sensitivities (but he asked, and I told him, and he responded that he'd leave the carrots he might have put in out). 

At first when I got home, I thought, "do I really want to go? I'm tired, I probably won't know anyone there, and I might be the only person over 30 who shows up." But then I decided I HAD RSVPd, and it's possible if not many people showed up, the student might be disappointed. So I went.

It turns out I wasn't the ONLY person over 30. Our horticulturalist (who is younger than me but older than the students) was there; she had served as sort of a sous-chef for him. And then my two youngest colleagues with their spouses in tow showed up (They are probably not OVER 30, but they're CLOSE TO 30). 

It was a simple meal - chicken biryani with raita, and a modified version of roti (the student said they were nontraditionally prepared; I think roti have to be cooked on the inside WALL of an oven and I think they made these on a griddle). Another Indian student - originally from a different region than our student - had made dessert, a sort of bread pudding with almonds, cinnamon, and condensed milk (she warned us "Indian desserts are often quite sweet for Westerners" and even though I generally don't like extremely sweet things, I liked this, partly because she put a lot of cinnamon in)..

 

I did take some of the raita even though it had raw onion (which I have to be a little careful with) because our student warned that "the biryani might be hot for some of you" but it really wasn't. It was seasoned well but it wasn't "mouth burning," it was just flavorful. But the raita was good on it, too. 

All of us from the department sat together and the horticulturalist did come and talk with us a little. So I wasn't all by myself, that was nice. I saw a few people I'd had in class in the past. All told there were maybe 20 people at the dinner. There was plenty of food and the student encouraged the other students to take leftovers (we held back; generally when there's food and students we prefer to let the students have first crack at it; a lot of our students are on tight budgets where having leftovers would be a bigger thing) 

 It was nice, though. It was quiet and sort of a peaceful meal, and I remembered that way, way back when I was an undergraduate I did occasionally hang out at the international student center with the international students, because in some ways I felt I fit in better with them than I did with the average undergraduate. And the international students were interesting people with different experiences to share - but also they often found out that people from other cultures had a lot in common. 

(I was thinking, but didn't mention - nearly every culture has some kind of flatbreads like the roti; of course in Mexican cooking there are tortillas and there's pita in Middle Eastern culture)

We hung around until slightly after 8. Most of the students had left and I got to thinking it might be good to go to let the folks still hanging around from the club clean up, so we walked out together.

But it was nice, a lot less awkward than I thought I'd be, and just a good break in the week. 

small new project

 Yes, I have a lot of things to finish up ALREADY but I got to thinking about a kit I bought a while back at Quixotic Fibers - it's one of those Toft kits (they make up into small, very simple-looking, stuffed animals). This one is a cream-colored unicorn. In typical Toft style, the animal is sort of semi-bipedal (sitting up "like a human"), so not totally realistic. 

I was remembering the little whale I made and thought, "well, at least this one isn't BLACK" except the yarn for this one is the trademark Toft alpaca yarn, and it is a bit splitty.  

I am slightly amused that the given name is "Chablis," I read "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil" years and years ago and there was a character in there named the Lady Chablis who was one of the typical flashy/showy show business people, and she also appeared on Bizarre Foods once (The Savannah episode). So I might keep the name even though this Chablis is considerably more monotone than the performer by that name was.

 That's the front of the pattern (it's very simple, just one page, and although it's a British made kit, the ones for sale here have the American terminology (It's important to check, though usually you can tell on an amigurumi because the main stitch in American terms is single crochet, which is called double crochet in the UK (and I think, Australia). 

I only got the first of four legs done (the legs are my least favorite part in quadrupedal creatures you crochet). It's kind of fiddly and the first attempt, I skipped over the third round's increases, and had to rip back and redo it.  

Field lab day

 Today was (for the first half of the class) the tree sampling lab (I split the class into two for this, it's easier with a smaller group of people. 

Even as I really enjoy getting out in the field, and being able to point things out like how you can tell post oaks and blackjack oaks apart even if there aren't leaves on the trees, it does make me a little apprehensive. Because I'm responsible for the students - I'm driving the van, so I have to get them there safely and back safely and I have to keep an eye out to be sure people are safe in the field. I will say I have VERY rarely - like maybe twice in nearly 30 years teaching - had someone who was acting a fool in the field and whom I had to tell "either stop doing that or you will have to go back and sit at the van until we're done" but there are cases of things that HAPPEN that are unexpected. 

Or things like having a student tell you less than 10 minutes before you leave "oh by the way, I'm allergic to bee and wasp stings" (it was okay; there really weren't any bees or wasps out there, they claimed they had their medication with them, and I figured if things went really bad we could call an ambulance to meet us closer to town and I could load them up and haul butt to the meeting point)

But nothing bad happened, and the students always enjoy the field labs. 

And leaves are starting to come out. Here's winged elm:

 And what I THINK is the new little leaves on black hickory, Carya texana

 We saw other stuff, the best being mayapples (Podophyllum peltatum), they are already flowering, and are earlier than a friend in northern OK has seen them, and earlier than a friend in NC:

 I also spotted some kind of fruticose (?) lichen that had fallen down out of a tree. Lichens are pretty common here; once upon a time I knew many of the common species but since I've not worked with them in a long time, I've forgotten most of them

 I also made the joke on Bluesky of quoting the tagline from MC Hammer's "Can't Touch This" with two plants:

 nanananana nana na na - Can't touch this

 (poison ivy)

and 

nanananana nana na na - Can't touch this

 (A thorny, older, greenbriar vine)

Also, a mystery - this must have been some kind of predation event and things like birds don't eat the wings, but this was a swallowtail:

 I saw that on the way back out at the end of the day. I also spotted (and warned the students not to step on it, because gross) a used prophylactic someone had left in the parking area (it's a horseback trail so usually the only ground hazard we see is horse poo, which is actually less gross to me). One of the guys in the class made a joke about "some people have no shame" because it was exposed to a fairly busy roadway...

I also saw a few Gulf fritillaries (a favorite butterfly of mine) but they were too active to be able to photograph.  

Tuesday afternoon things

 * Got out the data from last fall I never managed to get entered (teaching four classes is serious business) with the idea of doing a little exploratory analysis while I'm waiting for us to get a little rain so I can maybe do a spring sampling. And then I realized I screwed something up in the data I DID enter and had to go back and check it all and redo part of it, and wound up mad at myself for the mistake and frustrated

* And I realized for me, being mentally tired means I feel sad. I felt sad when I got home after that and I just sat for a while, and then I asked myself, "Are you *really* sad, or are you just tired?' And I realized, it's probably being tired. That's also probably why some nights I feel discouraged or a little hopeless about the state of the world in the late evening. At least I'm smart enough to know that if I go to bed, I'll most likely feel better in the morning.

* But ironically, there's also "revenge bedtime procrastination" which is something I've noticed in myself - well, heck, probably since 2020. Staying up later than I ideally SHOULD given how early I get up to work up. But someone - the guy who does Discontinued Food on Bluesky, who is actually a psychologist by training - noted that it often comes about if your day disappoints you and you feel like you're "owed" some kind of compensation or you want to try to take back some happiness from the day, and you know? that makes a lot of sense to me. As I've said, many days don't hold a lot of consolations for me recently, and even though I KNOW going to bed earlier will in the long run make me feel better the next day than playing dumb games on my phone or watching tv will, still I do it.

* A little frustrated with my town, on two counts: first, there are several areas, one close to my campus building, where some kind of roadwork resulted in a torn-up trench, which, they then fill with gravel and just LEAVE. No attempt to repave it, and as far as I can tell, it's not work where repaving right away would be bad. And of course the way people drive here, the gravel gets all kicked out of the trench, so you have to be sure to slow to a crawl (like to 5 mph) so as not to hit it hard and mess up your alignment, and even then it's kind of a jolt, and it makes me mad all the time and makes me wonder which city official is on the take NOW and why don't we have  the money to do a proper repair job? And they also often do that and then just leave an orange pylon stuck in a deepish hole and you have to memorize where all the hazards are so you don't damage your car, and that's really additional cognitive load I don't need. 

And second - there was talk of putting a small park in the downtown area, but it was shot down by the "but there's not enough parking already!" faction - but honestly? Every time I've been down there recently (not a lot, though, for reasons) there's a lot of open parking *because there are ten or a dozen empty storefronts*

And yeah, that's why I don't go downtown a lot - outside of the kitchenwares store (and how often do you need those), there's not much there to interest me downtown, so I don't bother to go. Mostly I go on Sundays if my church-ladies group is going to Roma's for lunch.

But yeah, I would be materially happier, I think, if there was somewhere for me to go in town other than the grocery store and the drugstore, but the bookstore we had moved, and the little gift shop closed when its owner retired, and one of the antique stores is gone now and the shop that very briefly sold yarn has been gone for a dozen or more years....so I have to go to a different state for "fun things for me" and you know, that does make you feel less-welcome in a town.

* I'm still reading on "Between Two Rivers," but last night I needed something lighter and more "narrative" so I started a Sherlock Holmes story. I forget the title; it's in a compilation volume of "academic mysteries" and I guess the link here is a wealthy/aristocratic student at an academy has gone missing, and one of the teachers has,too, and it's not clear if they're connected. 

I dunno; I like Holmes even though I know I'd probably find him dislikable as a real person. And I recognize there are better writers than Doyle. But there is something enjoyable about the stories, and they're a nice escape.  

First little project

 This was from a kit (it came from KnitPicks) I got for Christmas and just never found the time to start. When I was packing last week I spotted it and thought "this is small and will be quick, why not make it up over break?"

It was a pretty quick project. The yarn is designated dk weight but it felt closer to a fingering. It's all cotton, which I had never used for amigurumi before, and now I get it why a lot of the Japanese makers use cotton yarn....it works up pretty easily and it does not split like wool or some acrylics. And it's smooth, which is kind of pleasing, and it makes firm shapes because the cotton doesn't stretch. 

Anyway, it's a tiny orca

 

 The kit has literally everything you need except for scissors - a pattern booklet (with links for video tutorials if you need them; I did not), and the yarn and stuffing, and the little lock washer eyes, and a pretty good quality crochet hook and a nice tapestry needle and even a couple of locking stitch markers. 

My only complaint is *working on black yarn* 

it's hard on the eyes and hard to see the stitches. You can see the base of a small LED lamp there I borrowed from my mom for supplementary light where I was sitting.

Anyway, the orca is really tiny, I carried her back in a pocket of my backpack

I made the (predictable?) joke on Bluesky about billionaire yachts.

The little white patches were hard to attach and I know I did it imperfectly, they're uneven, but I'm trying not to care about it. If I hadn't been pressed for time (finishing it late one evening), I might have taken time to pin them on first to be sure they were even.

But maybe on something so tiny it doesn't really matter?

 

Back home again

 Okay, I posted about the "bus bridge" on the way up, which really was not bad - once they got the train moved into place things went quickly, and the crew was well-rested and cheerful, which made for  a pleasant trip. 

A couple photos, including the traditional one of the Arch:

I also got the traditional boba tea (I can't get them locally to me). This one is strawberry milk tea, which is one of my favorites:

 

I also got to go to the fairly-new Daiso in my mom's town! I had heard of the place but had never been in one (If there's one in my region, I suspect the nearest is in Frisco, which...yeah, I don't brave that traffic any more).

Daiso is interesting. It's basically like the old five-and-dimes or perhaps the modern dollar stores (but I think most of the goods are perhaps a level better in quality, and the prices are higher). They have *everything* - they have a small craft section with tiny balls of yarn (I bought some fuzzy acrylic with half a plan of doing one of those "bunny from a garter stitch square" things just to see how Daiso yarn knits up.)

They have a lot of homewares and I admit if I were outfitting an apartment from scratch I'd probably buy my plates and cups there; they were cheap and sort of sturdy-basic and yet, there was something appealing about their designs. Didn't buy any snacks; some of them only had Japanese ingredients lists and with my allergies/food sensitivities I have to be careful and I don't read Japanese. I did look at some peach gummi candy but sorbitol was a main ingredient and that plays badly with my stomach. 

they do have some toys. A line of Lego-style bricks (but lots smaller) that can be used to make models (the examples they had were birds and animals). 

And they had plushies. And I couldn't resist this one, which I have named Stegan (like Kevin or maybe Steven):

 

He had to ride in my suitcase coming back, no room in my carry on, sadly. (He made the trip fine though)
 

Coming back, though.....well, it started out okay. But then in St. Louis we sat. And  then they announced they were re-opening the doors if people wanted to go back out and get fresh air or smoke (or walk their service animal; I think there was someone with a service dog on the trip)

During the "first" (the regular" wait, when they recharge the water for the restrooms and refuel the train) I did go out and walk a bit. And I saw Bluey's "favourite kind of moon - a smiley moon!"

 

We were stuck behind a freight that had "timed out" - the crew had to go off, federal rules (for safety and the well being of the workers) and it would be an hour or so to get a new crew on. Okay, fine, I had my bed made up already so I got into my pajamas and read for a while, and then when we hadn't moved by 9:45 pm I just tried to sleep. Apparently it was about 2 1/2 hours rather than the suggested hour.

And the problem with Amtrak is, once you get late, you lose your "slot" and you have to wait for freights. Technically this is not supposed to be so, but the freight companies never give precedence to a running-late passenger train, so we pulled off on sidings a lot. We wound up close to four hours late all told. 

So I saw some parts of Arkansas and even Missouri that I normally never get to see. Like this interesting painting on the side of a civic-center type building in Hope:

 I wound up getting three meals on the train. This would be nicer but they're still on flex meals. I can't eat the casserole type stuff but they do do sandwiches now, I got a cheeseburger with dinner (and STILL something in it upset me a little, I don't know what). I got oatmeal and a yogurt for breakfast; that and a cup of tea helped. Lunch was a ham and cheese sandwich and interestingly, that was fine. (It COULD have been the iceberg lettuce in the salad with the cheeseburger; sometimes I think iceberg bothers me even when other lettuce doesn't. I had eaten a "green leaf lettuce" set of salad greens several days at my mom's with no ill effects. But then again - she insists on getting the hydroponically grown stuff and washing it very well before serving, and who knows how long that iceberg had sat since it was washed)

But FINALLY we got to Mineola, and I managed to get on the road home. I was pretty wiped out so didn't do as much grocery acquisition as I might (Especially in light of "gas prices have spiked more than 50 cents a gallon while I was gone") but, oh well. 

(I did buy a box of the "Bluey" cereal, which is basically a smaller diameter version of Kix that's colored blue with....Spirulina! I didn't know they could get a blue color from that, I figured it was artificial. It's actually not bad as lower-sugar cereals go; if they keep making it I might buy another box when I finish this one. It's mild and kind of bland and sweet without being overly sweet, and that may have also been what my stomach needed - it was the main part of dinner last night, along with some grapes). 

Happy St Paddy's!

 I bought the shirt - total impulse purchase - week before last because I already had the headband and the shamrock beads and I wanted a full outfit for Discord.

He can wear a dog t-shirt sized large (maybe Medium, not sure if a medium would fit over his big head). 

So I mail ordered a Kiss Me I'm Irish t-shirt because it amused me and I think Discord would enjoy wearing a shirt that said that:

 

 I should try to get some more shirts for other holidays (I have a Christmas one), dressing him up is kind of fun

On the train

For some reason this never published when I wrote it, maybe not enough cell data on the train but this is from Friday 

 At long last. The bus bridge was crowded and loud and hectic and too many people and I wound up feeling slightly carsick and almost migraines.

But now I’m on the train. The crew seems well rested and the sleeping car attendant set up my bed pretty quickly 

Hopefully the rest of the journey is easy

Sorry for huge

Nope, for some reason (maybe because my workplace has created a second Google profile for me) I can’t post photos from my phone 

No wait I may have fixed it and may have found a workaround to post photos from my phone 

This is the enormous limestone mine south of St Louis, we are at St Louis right now 

Dangit I guess copy-paste doesn’t work?

what a day

 It's been a day.

 And I'm sticking around waiting to be SURE the grad assistant gets back - if he doesn't, I need to teach his class. (He is supposed to be back; he spoke to me shortly before my section of the lab, but he's been under the weather - I think it's allergies but who knows). Originally I was slated to teach his lab because he had a doctor's appointment.

I will admit, and I'm trying not to be self-centered about it, but that displeased me. I mean, any other week, fine, yes, it's two unpaid extra hours of work for me, but today - when I have to go home and do laundry and pack and everything else, the thought of getting home late stresses me out. Especially since I had two stacks of partial exams to grade

 

(Partial, because I had MANY absences. Some will be making it up tomorrow). I got through the grading and managed to eat lunch and read over the lab).

And also, just, all that's going on in the world. It's a lot. And also, I have to leave extra early tomorrow; I have to get dinner like around 4 or 4:30 because I have to get on a BUS shortly after 5 to ride to Marshall instead of getting on the train like normal at Mineola. 

 

(I am going to run and check if his car is in the lot; almost time for his lab. If he's not here I will do it) 

 

Yeah, he made it back. He's not so very ill, it really does seem like when I have bad allergies. Maybe he never really experienced them before? (He did not grow up here, he is originally from India and has lived here a few years, it's possible he's hit the wall of "been here just long enough to get sensitized to the pollen")

But that's a relief. I can go home and stick my laundry in, and start accumulating what I need to take. I want to wind off one skein of yarn for socks; I have a couple little in-progress things to finish. And I have to figure out "what books." 

I do want to take "Between Two Rivers," even though it's hardback (fairly new) and is sort of heavy, but it's INTERESTING and I want to not lose the thread of where I am. And I have a new British Library reprint of short mystery stories set in academia, and one of ones set in the theater world, so I could take those - short stories are often good for on the train, less concentration required. 

I guess I really do need a break even though it's hectic to get ready for it when you have no time - I have been out every evening so far this week (CWF, the museum program - which was well worth the time invested - and then last night, the monthly board meetings at church). So laundry didn't get done, and yarn didn't get wound off, and I also am kind of tired and "peopled out" 

I'll be happier once I'm on the train proper; I don't love the bus bridges (it's trackwork, near Longview). Then again, it's not clear it's even happening for sure; someone else on the Amtrak online discussion board said they were slated to be bused and they were not. So I dislike the uncertainty and the extra fussing with the bus thing, but also it's a little anxiogenic to not know "bus or train from Mineola"

 

I really didn't get any "embargoed posts" written (other than one short one), if I have time tonight I might do one or two, or I might try to do some from the road even as posting pictures is a lot harder on my phone because of some strange new permissions quirk in Google... 

A Chautauqua Program

 Last month, I signed up for a Chautauqua program at my campus' Museum of Native American Art. The young woman who spoke to AAUW last year about her Choctaw heritage was doing a program of stories from her life and from the Choctaw people. 

I admit, this afternoon, I was less enthusiastic - I had had CWF last night, Board meeting is tomorrow night, I'd like to stay at home, I thought. And storms were threatening (They aren't supposed to come in until tonight). 

However, I had paid $35 for the program. I figured it was to support the museum only, but when I looked at the details again, it said "come dine with us and hear a program"

Okay, fine. We get fed. I decided to go after all. I was prepared for disappointment, though - often at these things there's something (like carrots) I can't eat and I have to avoid the food.

I'm glad I went though. First of all, at each place there was a nice small salad (spring greens, a maple vinaigrette, dried cranberries, cut up strawberries, and walnuts) and a glass of water (There was wine and beer and iced tea for those who wanted. I don't know if they charged for the wine or beer; I took an iced tea, it was unsweetened)

Then I looked at the menu: beef tenderloin, scalloped potatoes, sauteed green beans, lemon tart. Yes. All things I can eat. 

I saw a few people I knew - a couple faculty from other departments, got to say hi to a (good) former administrator who retired in like 2019. Then someone else walked in and before I saw her, she exclaimed my name.

It was one of my very first research students, from like summer 2001. She's still in town, working in medicine. She was excited to see me, introduced me to her mom. I hadn't seen her in more than 20 years. We got caught up - it turns out I am the only professor left she would have known (we do have someone at the instructor level who was a student with her). She didn't eat; she has that alpha-gal sensitivity (from a tick) and can't eat most animal products or derivatives from mammal products (like milk, that might have been in the dessert. So while a carrot allergy stinks, it's not as bad as it could be.

The food was prepared by the campus food service; clearly it was their "A" menu because it was really quite good, and it was just nice to have a nutritious dinner I didn't have to fix. And the portions were small enough we could eat them in a reasonable amount of time, and it wasn't too much food. 

 

And then it was the program. The woman who gave it will be one of our graduates in May; her degree is in English with a Choctaw minor and her skill is as a storyteller. She is VERY good. She obviously learned from a lot of people. She shared two traditional stories and then talked about the woman who had been her inspiration - and who has done a great deal to revive the Choctaw language. 

The first story was a children's tale of how the Opossum got its naked tail - very similar to the "just-so" stories a lot of cultures had. Basically, the opossum was vain and proud of his tail (which in those vanished days was fluffy and beautiful) but he was jealous of the raccoon, whose tail had stripes. When the possum tried a trick to make his tail striped, he lost all the fur off it and wound up with the naked tail. 

(It seems that "being overly prideful is bad" is a common theme in Choctaw stories; the second one had an element of that too. I suspect it's something a lot of people in culture in general need to learn these days).

The second story is one that is apparently also on YouTube, told by Tim Tingle - it's about the Lone Hunter , who was a very skillful (but boastful) Choctaw hunter back when they lived in Mississippi. He violated some of the traditions of the tribe - going out hunting alone, and then, one night, staying out alone all night, and he saw what might be described as being like what we would call the Grim Reaper. 

The story starts out as a definite ghost story (at one point, she smacked hard on a table as a sound effect and we all jumped) but it transitions to.....really a rather sad story, in that the Dark Spirit was a young man who died in an accident while out hunting alone, and because he had never had a proper burial, he became a restless spirit. So the Lone Hunter and other men of the tribe found the bones, gathered them, and buried them properly. And it turned out the scary experience was a lesson for the Lone Hunter, to use more common sense in the future....and at the end of the story, there's a line about how every evening after that, he would go to the young man's grave and sing him a song, or bring an offering of food.

Every culture has its parables, I guess. 

Her last "Story" wasn't really a story, because it was "real life" - scenes from the life of Ms. Billy, her mentor, and how as a young woman she would go with her family to church (which could last all weekend and wasn't just church, it was singing and socializing, and settling disputes) and how she started doing a form of ESL education (in the early days of Ms. Billy's career, there were some students who had only spoken Choctaw at home, and they struggled in the English language schools of the 1960s and 70s) and she wound up helping teach Vietnamese refugee children, as a result of her experience with the Choctaw students. And the speaker talked about how Ms. Billy had basically lived two cultures - general Oklahoman culture, and then her own culture, and it was very interesting.

I enjoyed the program a lot (and the dinner was nice, too) and I have to say at one point I thought "Oh yeah, now I remember why I live in a college town - to be able to do things like this"

I may need to motivate myself more to go to more programs on campus, definitely better than sitting at home, and it was nice to get to see people I knew. 

the time change

 This one was rough. Losing an hour jetlags me more than gaining an hour does. I UNDERSTAND why we do it, but I feel like we do it too early in the year (and go back to standard time too late). It's not going to be fun driving in a few minutes after 7 am tomorrow; it will still be dark here (on M, W, F, I go in around 8 and it was just getting light; tomorrow I go in shortly after 7 - I have an 8 am class - and I have to remember to go turn on the muffle furnace first). I've already warned my chair if they go to "year round DST" I will no longer teach 8 am classes (I could see either my state deciding that, as the outgoing governor has a wild hair to issue a lot of weird (derogatory) executive orders, or get it Federally (It was done in 1974, during a PRIOR oil crisis, apparently on the grounds that it somehow saved electricity or heating or something? All it did was make it darker in the morning - I JUST remember it, for part of 1974 I was in kindergarten, morning kindergarten).  It's actually a little dangerous to drive in the dusk here; some people don't turn on their headlights (!) because I guess they think it saves on gas; other people have those brighter-than-the-sun aftermarket LED lights that blind oncoming drivers. 

I live near the western edge of my time zone, so it stays darker earlier and lighter later during the first few and last few weeks of DST, and as I said, it's not great for driving in

There were also a couple years where I taught an 8 am class and a 5 pm class and if I didn't take time between them and go home for lunch or something, I'd have days when I never saw the sun at all, and I didn't like that. 

I also do feel tired from losing the hour and not sleeping great last night (it was very humid; I struggled to work out this morning and it was only when I checked the dewpoint midday (at that point, 66 F) that I stopped worrying something new was wrong with my lungs. 

I broke down this afternoon and turned the AC on - yes, it's way too early, but I need to breathe and it was very uncomfortable in my house. And I need to sleep tonight. 

I will say, even with all the time change mess, it is nice coming home from an early evening meeting and not having to drive home in the dark; I came home from CWF to this at about 7:40 tonight 

 SO that's pretty nice. 

The timer I have the fairy lights set on comes on later (doesn't matter most days; I'm still at work) and stays on later at night. I also have a little battery operated set on a timer around my shelves, which I changed out and moved my Dr Opal Lee doll to the shelf with the other Barbies and put up a couple of my Schleich unicorns:

 

one thing done

 One of the things I had to do this week, and kept putting off, was writing a one page summary of what I thought my teaching accomplishments for. I was nominated for an award. (It's not as big a deal as it sounds; it's a nomination process open to all the students and only one has to nominate you, and lots of people get nominated. I've been nominated twice before).

I've never won, but that doesn't surprise me: for one thing, there are other people who are better and more innovative teachers. Mostly what I do is just carry a heavy load of classes, a couple of which no one else currently here could do. I do get tired some days and I know I'm not always the most interesting. I guess the one thing is I do manage to avoid snapping at the students or making them feel bad, even when maybe they seem to deserve it

(I had a student who missed a lot, and in the course of trying to help them catch up, I asked about their absence. I don't like to pry but it helps to know if there's a mitigating circumstance. They shrugged and said "I just didn't feel like it" and I admit I choked back "Buddy, I have some bad news for you about adulthood..." because I knew it wasn't helpful but yeah, there are a lot of things I don't feel like but do anyway)

The other reason I won't win? They often give it to someone who is retiring - or someone who's received a serious diagnosis. I'm still three years from retiring (though I might stay on longer if things stay okay) and as far as I know, I'm perfectly healthy.

And I admit, I hesitated - what if I don't bother to do it, given there's no chance? But of course the PTR beast still needs to be fed, and I'm not sure I can put it on my CV if I don't do the bit of participation. 

I hate doing these things though; I am bad at selling myself because a lot of the typical "talk yourself up" stuff feels like lying to me, even if it isn't, strictly speaking, lying. 

SO I sat down and did it, got it submitted. Haven't gotten back a "thanks for that" thing so I don't know if I submitted it correctly but I don't know how to do it otherwise. 

I also got the two exams written for next week. At least I'm not giving one the Friday right before spring break? (I expect my classes that day to be pretty empty). 

And after class next Friday, I have to be sure I have everything I need for a week, and then drive down to (womp womp) get a bus to Marshall  (from Mineola) because of trackwork. In Marshall - about 9 pm - I will get on a train and go the rest of the way on that. I would rather it were otherwise but at least when I called to ask they sent me an updated ticket indicating the bus, and refunded me about $100, and since I don't like the "flex dinners" ANYWAY, I will just eat very little for lunch and grab a burger in Mineola before I have to get on the train. 

Spring Break, like Thanksgiving, is a difficult travel time - it's go-go-go workwise right up until the day you have to leave, so you have to be sure to carve out time for laundry and packing some evening before the day you have to leave. And I'll probably carry a little less given I will have to walk a considerable distance at Marshall (the bus drop off is pretty far from the station) and I think my carry on will be my backpack, so I can strap it on my back and not have to carry it. 

But I do need a break, and it will be nice to not have to decide all on my own what meals will be, and have to carve out time to drive across town to get groceries (preferably not at a time when everyone else is, but these days it often feels like the only time I can do that is after work, which is when everyone else is.) 

wednesday evening random

 * After a bit over from a week away from it (there's a small risk of bad complications* if you exert yourself a lot while you have certain viruses), I did a 20 minute workout today. That's less than I normally do, and even that was tough (my breathing still isn't 100% normal) but at least I did it - and I avoided a weird side effect (ocular migraine) I have had on occasion after starting up heavy exertion again after being sick

(*supposedly you can give yourself myocarditis or endocarditis, and that's definitely on my Do Not Want list)

 

* I pulled out the Syyslaulu shawl again and started working on it again. I have about 60 rows left before it's big enough to start the lace edging. I took my row counter and set it so I can count down each time I do an increase (every other row, so I have 30 increases left), because that's easier than having to stop and count the stitches all the time (there's a specific multiple, of six I think, that you have to have for the edging to work)

It's not very photogenic right now - just a big garter stitch triangle

* We're finally getting some rain. There are small thunderstorms right now; I'm hoping it's not going to get loud enough to interrupt my sleep. But it is nice to have rain for a change.  

* I don't know if it's the current state of the world, or if I really am just losing my taste for certain forms of entertainment. I would occasionally watch "Chicago Med" (what? I like Oliver Platt) and Chicago Fire (at least in the earlier season, there was the whole "work family" aspect of things, which is kind of weirdly comforting). But tonight's episodes, woof. Basically, there was an entire plane that somehow landed with almost everyone on board dead from what turned out to have been an exposure (possibly accidental) of some poison gas (nerve agent) that was apparently being "muled" to a guy who was planning a mass attack. And it's just.....it's upsetting. Like, no one gets to go through decontamination and then sit in a hospital room for a while and be fine; there are people who looked better and then got sick again and a person (not a regular character) who died...And I don't know if this one is unusually distressing (either in general or to someone with my particular brain-wiring) but I found it hard to watch.

There was a time in 2020 - and again, right after the war started in Ukraine in 2022 - that I couldn't read anything much that was "tense," not even the vintage British mysteries I used to love. I was pretty much stuck with "light magical realism" or "non fiction of the not-remotely-worrisome kind" (I find for me books about language evolution or natural history work in that case. 

But yeah, maybe I just hit a point where I can't watch anything more "realistic" than what the Heeler family does (or the Belchers, or whatever kid-friendly or silly cartoon)

I did wind up getting a stuffed animal I had (a silly "valentine's day" themed capybara by Zuru that I bought because it was cuddly and inexpensive and weighted, but which - because she's pink - looks unfortunately a little like a smooth naked mole rat. But at least having a weighted thing laying against my chest made me feel a little calmer. You do what you have to in these times.

(I have another ridiculous stuffed animal I bought last year - a very large version of Mei Mei in red-panda form (from Turning Red) that was sold as a stuffie for kids to sleep with (she is shown peacefully asleep, she's that soft velour-like fabric, and had very soft stuffing), and a lot of nights, to force myself to sleep on my left side - better for my back - I grab her and squish her up against my chest, and yeah, I do sleep better. 

It's funny how a lot of things that seemed "juvenile" or "odd" when I was younger (I hid the couple stuffed animals I took to college with me) are now being realized that it's a comfort thing. Just like letting kids use fidget toys instead of forcing them to sit perfectly still. In many ways our world has become a little kinder (and I admit I fear with some of the changes happening recently, that some of those kindnesses will be removed, just like how some people now feel emboldened to use slurs again....) 

Finished a thing

 I finally finished the red "Norwegian resistance" hat - this pattern originally promoted as a protest against the ICE actions in Minneapolis.

 I admit, I almost gave up on it. First of all, it's a cheap Michael's acrylic and wasn't super fun to knit on (it was what I could get; there was no red wool-ease in stock and I didn't feel like digging through my stash to see if I had anything). Second of all.....well, it seems like OTHER actions that are alarming have eclipsed what is going on there (I know, I know, it's still going on, but the threat of World War III seems.....more potentially deadly for more people).

But I kept going. Right now I feel like I needed a W. I don't know if it's allergies, or post-viral depression (which can be a thing), but I've felt bad and blah and like I'm not really CAPABLE of anything. Part of it might be that the weather's been weird (too warm for this time of year, which makes me stress about "go out do fieldwork go go go you need to do it" and really it's not time yet). Part of it probably IS the state of the world; another mideast war after the US has participated in what, four? now since I was like 15. Part of it is me realizing we're never going to have a "normal" again like the "normal" I used to know, and that I'm not sure what consolations there will be for me in the new world that's being born. 

But yeah, at least I finished a hat. I couldn't wear it long this evening; it's hot in here now and I'm not quite willing to put the AC on this early. 

But also, yeah - there are about a dozen other alarming things going on that have pushed the Minneapolis events off the radar.

 then again, if someone asked me "so, what are you protesting against?" I'd probably respond like James Dean in "Rebel without a Cause" and say "Whaddaya got?"

Because oh, there are so many things. And so many things to worry about the future about. 

I'm like this

 Or rather: why am I like this? 

 I mean, I have my suspicions - the way peers treated me when I was a kid, having grown up as the butt of jokes. So I *think* I want to be the center of attention but I HATE it when it happens.

Sunday, as is typical, a group of us went out to lunch after church. I was asked where I wanted to go, as it had been my birthday. I struggled to think of a place and chose one of the nicer Mexican places. I don't know that that was what I REALLY wanted, but I still wasn't feeling GREAT with the cold and figured I'd pick a place I knew most people would be happy with.

It was fine; I got the shrimp mini-quesadillas and they were really pretty good, and I tried an agua fresca (pineapple) and it was excellent (I had never had one before - they're basically a watered down juice, slightly sweetened, and often with lime or lemon added)

One of the women - call her C. - paid for my meal. I didn't know she was doing it (though I wouldn't have ordered differently) until I didn't get my ticket. I had THOUGHT I heard her whispering to the waiter and the words "birthday girl" but I didn't think anything much of it. 

I thanked her for getting my lunch for me.

Then I saw, out of the corner of my eye, the various servers converging on the table.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes. They had a big pink sombrero (like what a mariachi musician would wear) and were carrying a plate with a sopapilla with whipped cream and chocolate sauce and a lit candle. And they sang a birthday song. I had to wear the sombrero. C. got a picture. 

I wasn't smiling, and I regret that a little, but I was profoundly uncomfortable. I get that it was meant as a kind gesture, and I also get that "people in this part of the country tease you a little when they care about you" but I can't get used to it. I admit it's a failing in me, there, and it's dumb - I would like to be fussed over. Just not that publicly; it makes me feel silly. 

Steve, who was sitting across from me, commiserated - "I could see the look of dismay cross your face as soon as you saw what they were bringing out"

Like I said: I don't WANT to be a sourpuss about it; I want to be a good sport. But I think it does awaken some of the bad old "butt of jokes" memories from my time in grade school . 

The sad thing is, I don't know what kind of "center of attention" thing that could happen that I would like. 

 

Then again - C. was just maybe getting me back for the "Shady Pines, Ma!" joke I made at her some weeks back. And I genuinely think it's something SHE would have fully enjoyed if it happened to her, and didn't recognize that it might make me uncomfortable. (So that's why I am not going to say anything; it does feel a little poor-sport to complain about what was intended as a nice gesture).  

State of hats

 I gave two exams today. As I said, the original plan was for me to be up at another city today, watching students present their research, but I wasn't really well enough (I am still coughing, though the cough is considerably less this evening, after running a humidifier enough in here that it now feels uncomfortably warm and damp (it's a hot-mist humidifier)

So I took along the "Free Breakfast" hat (a waffle stitch, though I'm not up to it yet) and worked on it. This photo isn't quite true to the color; the dyer called it Zombie Green, I'd say it was more of a chartreuse

 I have continued working on the Norge resistance hat, but I like the yarn for the green one better; it's a wool yarn and it's got a good twist for knitting. The other hat is a cheaper acrylic yarn and it's a little splitty.

 Today was my birthday. I wasn't expecting much as I still didn't feel great, and I had work to do (I did get the exams graded, or at least the ones people were present for - a lot of folks either had excuses for school activities - including presenting at the meetings I would have been at - or sports, so I have a bunch coming in early next week)

I did get myself some silly little things; I ordered these last week from Schleich. They make a lot of figurines; these are from one of their lines for children called Bayala. Sort of fantasy animals. I like that I can make family groups.

 

This is the Rainbow Galaxy Unicorn stallion and mare (the stallion is taller; as they're for children, that's the only way you can tell, unlike with the Breyer horses. These are bigger and a bit heavier than the little Breyers I have:

 I also got the Flower Unicorn mare and the Blossom Unicorn foal; they could be mother and baby

 I dunno, like Marge Simpson and potatoes, I just think they're neat.

 And yes, the irony of my ordering what are toys for kids on my 57th birthday, at a time in my life when I should perhaps begin thinking about döstädning rather than accumulating, but.

 Getting stuff in the mail does give a reason to keep pushing forward, having things to arrange on a shelf feels like purpose some days.

And I did get myself my usual dinner from the barbecue place - a small portion of pulled pork and a sweet potato. I really wanted Texas toast too, but they were out.

 I also splurged and ordered a cheesecake. I was expecting a thawed slice of a frozen product, but was pleasantly surprised with a different style - instead of the very cream-cheese-like filling, this is more like a very soft cake with flour (? I think) in it, and especially - they didn't have a lot of sugar in it, so it wasn't overly sweet. I prefer desserts where you taste something other than the sugar in them; this was the cream cheese or mascarpone in it and maybe a little lemon along with the strawberries and whipped cream

 

Once more around

 Yeah, tomorrow is my birthday.

It's not likely to be a good one - I am still kind of sick, I've developed a lung-y cough that, if I get going badly with it, makes me think I'm either going to throw up or not be able to breathe. I am being very careful about movement, and I'm trying to avoid laughing (that can trigger it). All my intercostal muscles ache; Tuesday night I was up much of the night coughing. 

I originally had plans to travel up to a city about three hours north of here where there's a student-research day but I don't think I'm up to it. I would have had to get up at 4 am - they have to leave at 5, and I'd be riding in the van driven by a colleague. Also with the coughing, I don't want to have to sit in a van and cough.  

I got a couple cards and a couple small gifts from friends. My mom had something sent to me earlier but she also said when I was up there over spring break, we could do something, we might go to the nice department store (one of the few remaining anywhere, it feels like) so I could look for clothes. 

I don't really have any plans, now. Until like Wednesday I was thinking I'd be fine to go to the meetings but then the cough started, and I just don't think it's wise, even if it is a little better today. Also, I am still very tired and having another day to sleep to a more normal time is probably good. 

At least my sense of smell is coming back (This is NOT COVID; I often lose my sense of smell and even taste with a cold). When I put the cocoa butter/petroleum jelly mix on my nose (It's chapped from blowing it), I could smell it this evening. (And I never really did lose my sense of taste; it was just blunted) 

I may do my usual of getting a carry out dinner from the good barbecue place in town; otherwise, I don't really have time after my classes (I am giving exams in both; my original plans were to have a colleague proctor for me) to buy and cook anything special, and it feels a little sad ON YOUR BIRTHDAY to eat a sandwich you slapped together if there's some other option. 

I'd really like to have something "fun" to do but I don't feel up to driving far, and there's really nothing in town right now for me. So I guess I just pretend it's not my birthday. 

I'm still working on the red resistance hat at home; I've got the green one packed up ready to work on while I proctor my exams tomorrow. (And it strikes me: in his first term, there were those, uh, "kitty" hats that a lot of women wore in protest; now they're Norwegian red hats. History is dangerously close to rhyming)

Tuesday evening things

*The cold has reached the loose cough stage; I hope this ends soon. I have to be careful about letting myself cough, because sometimes it's hard to stop. I got some mucinex pills and some kind of herbal/honey cough drops, and vitamin C. I know that there's mixed evidence about the efficacy of that last, but at least it won't HURT me. I can't take a lot of the typical remedies because of my blood pressure, so I have to rely on things like honey or drinking lots of water or running a humidifier.

* I read somewhere - and I hope it's wrong - that some of the highly placed "health" folks (who don't know squat about actual health, IMHO) are talking about how there should be a "comedy" about the pandemic, and that is one of those "LISTEN TO YOURSELF, MAN" things. I know people who lost parents to COVID. I lost a cousin myself and still on some dark nights it pops into my mind how he died, alone, on a gurney in the hallway of the ER because there was no room for him, and at that time there was no real treatment for COVID. And his wife couldn't even come in and say goodbye and it's all so awful.

And they want people to laugh about it

We have become such an insensitive culture. (And yeah: people are more freely using the n-word and the r-word and other words that a few years ago were on the decline. And while I think it's still generally seen as true that "nice people don't say that," there's a critical mass of people who don't care about being "nice people" in the sense of having manners or caring about others' feelings).

The pandemic changed me. I don't know how to have fun any more, and some days happiness is even a struggle, and I did not used to be like that. 

* I did do one thing today I hadn't really done since 2022 - because of this cold, and because I had a couple meetings where I was sitting in close proximity to people (unlike in class, where I was like 10' from the students), I wore a mask. I explained why - what brought it on was that I misremembered that someone was in one  of the groups who had a spouse going through chemo, and I know even catching a cold while on chemo can be bad, but that person was not on that committee. Still, another member thanked me for masking when I explained and maybe yeah, it's not an all or nothing thing, maybe I keep a supply on hand and if I have a cold or something I just slap one on to avoid transmitting it. 

I know of people who are still masking. Some of them, yes, are medically fragile, but I've also encountered people online who aren't, but who fundamentally say "if you go out to restaurants any more, you're a bad person. And if you go into a store without a mask, you're a bad person" and that kind of thing does get to me because I want to be a GOOD person and I don't know. But I also know people tell me I'm harder to understand in a mask, and they're not totally comfortable. 

I know if someone ASKED me, like even if they didn't preface it with "my kid is going through chemo" or something like that, if they just said "would you wear a mask when we meet up" I'd be like "Sure" and make sure I had one. 

But for a random grocery store trip? No. Especially not since when I was still masking in like 2022, I wore one and had someone look at me and start laughing. 

Life is really hard to navigate when you don't want to be bullied (I don't, I got a lifetime supply of that as a kid) but also don't want to hurt other people.

* I'm not watching The Big Speech. I never do, no matter who's in the WH, but I think tonight it would be really irritating to me for numerous reasons.  In a minute I want to change the sheets on my bed and then I'll see if I can find cartoons and knit on my "red resistance hat" (this is a copy of a Norwegian hat that became symbolic of resistance during WWII. I started one a couple weeks back but the yarn annoyed me slightly so I stopped working on it, but decided I needed to finish it or rip it back, and if I'm going to finish it it should be soon. (And maybe, who knows: sympathetic magic? Maybe I'll finish it and things will get a lot better, particularly in the ways the hat was designed to protest?) 

Ugh, a cold

 Friday night I was exposed to smoke - both the chargrilling at the restaurant, and they had a fireplace going (I think that one was gas, though, I could smell it). We were all stuck there for over 2 hours as service was glacially slow. 

And then Saturday I went out to do necessary shopping. There have been wildfires in the area and it's a little smoky out.

So I thought it was allergies at first.

Then, Saturday afternoon, I got stressed out, between really bad aggressive drivers, and then, when I got to the Albertsons' - my intended final stop, and I had planned out what I wanted to buy (There are a number of things I use, either items or brands, that only they sell).

So I walked up to the door. I was tired, but glad I was almost done.

Nope. 

A couple employees met me at the door and said they couldn't sell me food. 

What? 

 Their computer system had gone down. "I have cash," I said, quickly recalculating - I could get milk and yogurt and a little bit of fruit but not much else

Nope, they can't take cash. "I have my checkbook"

Nope, won't take a check either*

So I admit, I stormed out a little. I am NOT happy when my plans have to change on the fly, and I didn't know in that moment the nearest place I could go to

(*I call shenanigans on this. Maybe something bricked the cash registers and they could not give change from cash, but surely if the stuff could be rung up somehow, someone could write a check. Then again - maybe that's the problem - some software update just shut them down and of course no one can add or calculate sales tax with a pen and paper or calculator any more).

I asked the woman where the nearest other grocery was

"Wal-mart" she said. I kind of hissed "I am NOT going to Wal-Mart on a Saturday afternoon"

So I wound up backtracking five or ten miles to go the Kroger, where I haven't shopped in over a year. Partly because Albertsons' is closer and nicer, but also because the Kroger I had gone to had gotten kind of worn and dingy seeming. (And they still are. No longer do they carry a "premium house brand" in anything, they don't carry Golden Syrup any more, and they seem to have reduced choices)

And it WAS more driving, and I couldn't get a number of things I wanted. The bill was STILL high. 

After I got home I started with a sore throat. It's continued, though it's some better now, and my nose started running like crazy today (went through a box of tissues). Better out than in, I guess. But I still don't know if this is a cold (it came on awfully fast if it was) or just allergic overload coupled with a buildup of too much stress. (Both news of the world, and things like having to juggle post-tenure review and planning for summer research and interviewing job candidates on top of the usual teaching.

I suppose it could be a sinus infection; there are viral and fungal ones. My teeth have all ached, which isn't uncommon with sinus infections...

I just hope I feel some better tomorrow. Today was kind of a struggle and I have a couple meetings tomorrow.

Anyway, I didn't sleep well last night and I need to go to bed soon to try to see if I can get more rest.  

Revisiting the 80s

 I don't know if everyone can read this Christ and Pop Culture article. I hope everyone who wants to can (I send them a token amount of money every month for support, and I know I can read some articles that aren't widely available, or are time-embargoed:

 "A Hope/less Hallelujah" 

 

I know some people have compared now to the 1980s: a president who is very aged, where there are questions about his continuing competence, and where he's deeply unpopular with a large chunk of the populace. (I don't know if it's just me being older, or now working in a career where I wind up being somewhat harmed by some of the whims of the president and his supporters, or if Reagan really was less bad, or what, but it feels worse now than it did then).

I will say it feels to me like full on nuclear war is less likely now than in the 80s; partly it feels to me that there's more a desire for those in upper government to want to save their own skins, partly maybe some of them are way more friendly with Russia than Reagan was with the USSR. 

But other things feel worse and more precarious to me. 

In the 1980s, that was the very beginning of the era where people were thinking "gee, maybe homophobic or ableist slurs shouldn't be used"

Oh, they still WERE - calling something they disliked "gay" was a standard thing young men did. 

But I also remember the 1970s, and getting called the "r slur" and other things in school, and openly mocked and bullied and excluded, and by the end of the 80s it did seem like some adults woke up to "hey, maybe that's not good for our kids' development or mental health" and I admit starting in the early 2000s it did look like maybe we were going to kick bullying, and slurs, to the curb.

But nope! They came roaring back, and now some people GLEEFULLY say them, like "back in the Obama days this wasn't ALLOWED but now I can do it again" while the people saying them NEVER think of the feelings of the people they are saying them to or about. 

That's what gets me - our circle of ethical concern (To use a concept that Aldo Leopold, among others, discussed) seemed to be expanding; it has shrunk again, and at the extremes there are people basically saying "if they're not my blood relatives, screw 'em, if they're starving in a ditch and I have extra food, they deserve to starve" and I do not like that. And it does seem there's more gleeful violation of hospitality and kindness norms now. And it's the "gleeful" part that bothers me - it's not someone doing it ignorantly or literally without thinking; it's premeditated and the person feels GOOD about saying something cruel to a child or a woman or a person different from them in some way. 

Now is the time of monsters, I guess.

 Except really, every time was.

But I think of other things from the 1980s. I've recently been rewatching a few Golden Girls episodes - Hallmark reruns them late in the evening-  and I'm struck by a lot of things in the show. While some of the humor, yeah, has aged, still, in many ways it's a KINDER sitcom than many of the era. And there are the themes of feminism and ageism-is-bad and a certain level of tolerance (it was one of the first shows having gay characters who were shown fairly sympathetically*) 

(*yes I know Jody on "Soap" but I never really watched that show) 

And it was probably the first instance of "found family" being a major trope in a sitcom - three widows and a divorcee, sharing a home together, supporting each other through health scares and relationship issues and frustrations with the world. 

It was also funny. I still find it funny. And some bits of it have become cultural things. I have said some variant of the "Picture it: Sicily, 1922...." before I launch into a story from my youth. And I got a huge and unexpected laugh out of one of my church lady friends* when she started going on and on in circles about something pointless at lunch one day, and I looked at her, and in my best Dorothy Zbornak, said "Shady Pines, Ma! Shady Pines!"

(*I think it struck her so funny because I normally do not DO that sort of thing, I don't have a reputation as having a snarky side)

And yes, it's becoming a bit of a comfort show, just like Murder, She Wrote (which I have written about before- in the second half of that linked post). Another show that started in the 80s. 

And also another show, like Golden Girls, that I watched with my parents (or at least my mom, I don't remember now if my dad liked Golden Girls). 

Both of them shows with a woman or women as the protagonist, back when that was less common. 

And similar in the sense that there were certain virtues upheld in both shows: in Golden Girls, it was support of one another, tolerance, and helping. Murder She Wrote was that you can't get away with doing harm to others, and that intelligence (especially Jessica Fletcher's) will win the day. And also, she was firm but kind- she was definitely proper** but she also spoke out against what was wrong

 (**though upon a mature rewatch I realize there may have been more implied in her relationship with Seth Hazlett than simple platonic friendship, something I didn't realize as a late teen. Then again: they were both adults and presumably consenting, so it's none of my business). 

I also think about - and may write about, later,when I have more time (I really need to be doing some grading) the things I'm thinking now as "the safe things from my tweendom." That thought was triggered the other day when one of my students - born probably 30 years after the original cartoon was on tv here - showed up to class in a "classic" Smurf t-shirt (it even had the Peyo signature on the image on the back of the shirt) and I realized that certain cartoons/toy lines that I was on the verge of being "too old for" as a tween, are now things I remember fondly as an adult, partly because of the glow of those few years, between childhood and teenagerhood, where I felt like I might eventually figure it all out, but also that there were good things to enjoy in the last days of being a kid:

Smurfs

Garfield

Strawberry Shortcake (in her Raggedy Ann style original form)

The original My Little Ponies

Care Bears

 

And with the exception of maybe Garfield  (but he had his softer side, and it's implied that maybe he "hates" Mondays because it means Jon goes out to work and he doesn't see him all day for the rest of the week), all of these are "properties" where the characters care about each other and are kind to each other, and literally in some cases the "villains"/antagonists are won over and converted by the power of kindness and friendship. 

I still have a few Smurfs. And I bought a vintage Garfield off Etsy when I couldn't find my old one at my mom's house. And I have the small Grumpy Bear I carry with me when I travel, and I have much MLP merch. And recently, I saw a vintage-style  Strawberry Shortcake shirt at Michael's and *almost* bought one (I think they were out of my size, though)

And finally - because it's "Christ and Pop Culture," there are of course references to faith. The author quotes an essay by Kristin Saatzer, who said “Even in the cruelest years, God is faithful. We bow in thanks, not only for the victories but for His steadfast presence in the in-between. God was here. God is here. And God will be faithful still.”

Yes. This is true. But sometimes it's distressingly easy to lose sight of it. Though maybe, if I watch and laugh at what Dorothy and Rose and Blanche and Sophia are up to, or hug my Grumpy Bear a little, I can be reminded... 

 

it's Lent now

 Did the thing yesterday evening. My previous experience  - such as it was, as a college student - with the tradition was that getting your ashes was a first-thing-of-the-day and you wore them during the day as a symbol. 

The church I belonged to at the time (a Disciples church, but congregations vary a lot) didn't do it, but I remember seeing my classmates who were Catholic with their ashes.

And yeah, maybe there's a tiny performative aspect for some people, which is negated by our habit of doing it as an early-evening service and then most people go home.

 the church secretary and I distributed the ashes. It's a fairly intense moment, or I find it so - especially now having lost as many people as I have, and given that two of my fellow congregants had unpleasant health scares (one was cancer, one was apparently heart issues) this winter.

And whispering "From dust you came, and to dust you shall return, in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, amen" doesn't lose its impact the more times you do it.

(It was hard, emotionally, marking the forehead of the man who just came through a cancer scare; that was the one that ALMOST had me tearing up)

Both the secretary and I were shaky voiced when at the end we turned to each other, and said the words, and put the ashes on each other's foreheads (And yes, I think someone else doing the marking - as is traditional - carries some emotional weight, at least for a person like me who doesn't frequently get touched during the week). And yes, she used a rather heavy hand. My hands are so dry I had a hard time getting enough ashes on people's foreheads. 

It was also harder because I learned that the ex-son-in-law of a friend (her daughter and he are divorced, but fairly amicably) is experiencing multi-system failure and apparently won't make it without a liver transplant. This came on quite suddenly; he was not a drinker or a drug user so I suspect it might have been an infection. But it's pretty terrible - the suddenness, and he has two young-teen children who live with their mother but who are very fond of him. (My friend did say she was keeping a bit of the worst from them right now; the hope is maybe there will be a donor).

 

Tomorrow is another busy day. I am up to the heel flap on the "cosmic dust" socks now. We have our second candidate in tomorrow I expect it'll be late when I get home then. 

I didn't come up with a good Lent practice for this year. I had thought, "Don't use cusswords when you're alone and something upsets you" (I almost NEVER say them IN FRONT OF PEOPLE but I sometimes do when alone, but that ship sailed this morning when I had problems with the computer in my office)

I also admit, I joked on Bluesky about giving up my expectation that things in the country would get better at some point. But that's not really keeping in the spirit.

I haven't bought yarn, but again - I'd like to leave it open to be able to do so for my birthday. SO I don't know.