Monday, March 18, 2024

and an update

 got the grading done, got an exam (mostly, I still have to do the species-identification part) written, updated the LMS pages for next week. Went home for lunch and as I was driving a call came in.

When I got home and checked my phone there were two missed calls from the same group member, and a text from them asking for a call. So I groaned inwardly and called them.

Yeah, an "emergency meeting" late afternoon to deal with the issue. So I quickly replanned my day - I'd go out to the field site and walk around, but not try to do the scholarships (that's tomorrow) because it was already 1:30 pm and I hadn't eaten lunch and I needed to shower after the field.

The bigger issue? I was afraid this was going to be a BAD meeting. One where someone quit, or people shouted at each other, or something. So I dreaded it all afternoon.

Went out to the field, walked for half an hour. Didn't look at the different habitats as much as I might because (a) I had one eye on the clock (I didn't want to get back too late to shower) and (b) I was hurting. I mean, my knee still hurts this evening but it does feel looser now. 

I got done a bit earlier than planned so I ran by the quilt shop - no, they're too stacked up now to take quilts but try again in a month - and I bought some sewing-machine needles in hopes of getting back to sewing soon. And to the bank, I was low on cash. 

And then showered, and ate a snack, and ran out to the meeting. 

And it turned out well, but blistering blue barnacles, why call all of us out there when the two people at loggerheads only had to apologize to each other and things seemed good? Like, the one person agreed they needed to continue to do the thing they'd been doing?

So yeah, I worried about it all day and it was nothing. 

I mean, granted - as I said before, I am very much a "choke down the annoyance" or "other people's happiness is more important than your comfort" sort of person so it has to be a MAJOR situation for me to say something to someone. So I tend to assume in cases like this that it's a major blowup, rather than someone taking something the wrong way, being stubborn, and having an, I don't know, sort of a fit of annoyance. 

So maybe tomorrow I can get those scholarships done, and some research reading. I think I am going to take Wednesday as my fun day, provided my knee is OK. (I've got heat on it now - icing seems not to help as much now)

Monday morning things

 * I cleaned house *a little* this weekend. I need to do more but after an hour of running around putting stuff away, and throwing out stuff, I was kind of sore and tired, so I quit. 

I did find the big corner-to-corner blanket I had been making out of one of those color-shifting yarns, so I pulled it back out and worked on it during Zoom knitting. I got *almost* to the end of the first of the giant cakes, so I started the decrease section. It's still going slowly because it's so huge but at least I can once again imagine it being finished. It's going to be heavy but that's fine; it will be like a lighter version of the weighted blanket I had to quit using because I realized it was making my knees and hips worse because it pins me down and I don't move while I sleep.

* a little melancholy this morning, for two reasons. The most immediate being (vagueposting) someone in a group I am part of was mildly criticized/asked to share the leadership and responsibility and instead what they have done now is apparently dropped that part of their responsibilities in what I interpret as a fit of pique, and it means a couple other people (including me) will have to pick them up.

It's really weird - I think of myself as a tremendously sensitive and touchy person, who gets their feelings hurt at the drop of a hat, and it surprises me when someone gets that way over something that I look at and am unfazed by. Like if I were in a role and someone said "you need to share the responsibility with us" I'd be like "Great! I want to hear your ideas and work together on this"

I guess years and years of having to stuff down my hurt feelings because "if you don't react the bullies will stop bullying you" was a good lesson. Except. I still will have those added responsibilities. Ah well whatever.

Part of it is just feeling sad and gobsmacked at how hard it is to be a human sometimes; it seems like sometimes things that seem like a small input to me cause a big reaction in another person and I know it's just personality differences or possibly the effect of past traumas but still, I wish people were more predictable.

* Though I also got thinking about that Bluey episode. Yes, I watch Bluey sometimes. It's a really beautiful cartoon in many ways. It's quite different to the "ha ha funny animals doing funny things" cartoons I ordinarily watch - the humor is mainly a sort of observational humor about what children are like or about how Bandit is willing to be a big goof because it makes his daughters happy when he enters into their games (and to a lesser extent, because she seems more serious, Chilli doing this). 

Anyway, I had heard "Thaxted" (the hymn-tune based on Holst's "Jupiter") and it reminded me of the Sleepytime episode (which is often lauded as one of the best episodes, and I'm inclined to agree). The event triggering the story is fairly simple: Bingo, the younger sister, wants to sleep all by herself in her own bed for a whole night, without having to crawl in with her parents. 

And there's a lot hung on that simple hook - the various Heelers wind up in different beds throughout the night (and Bandit winds up on the floor) - but the dream that Bingo has is the one that often mildly emotionally destroys adults. I think one of the marks of something that is art is that people from different walks of life respond differently to it, but they find something to respond to? I think most parents would see the idea of "my baby is growing up and getting ready to be on their own" and be sad; I saw something else.

In the story, Bingo dreams about the Solar System after her mum read her a book about it. At the beginning, she hatches out of the earth - which is now in pieces - and sets off with Floppy, her stuffed bunny. At one point, they arrive at a bunny planet that looks like Saturn, except the rings are hundreds of bunnies like Floppy. Floppy looks wistfully at the other bunnies, then at Bingo, who lets her go to join her friends. And Bingo is understandably sad at this - giving up a "lovey." Which I guess most children do. (I never did, but I know I am sort of an oddball). It also mirrors an adult encouraging their kid to go out on their own.

And then Bingo approaches the sun - which in the dream is lovely and warm and not dangerous like getting close to the REAL sun would be - and the sun says in Chilli's voice, "Remember, I'll always be here for you, even if you can't see me, because I love you."

 And oh, that's where I start crying every time I see the episode. I am still JUST young enough to remember being an age where my parents could make everything OK, where they could take care of me, where nothing bad would happen when they were close by. One of my very early memories is hiking in one of the Akron Metroparks with them, reaching up high to hold each of their hands; I was probably three or four. 

Of course, at 54, what gets me now is that I don't really have that any more, and probably never will again. My dad is gone, and I admit I've taken on some of the "reassurer" role he used to fill for my mom (and I see now where I get my anxiety and tend to ruminate over things). And so now often on the phone calls we have, I do things like tell her that no, it's not silly for her to continue to wear a mask at church, it's probably a good idea or that if she doesn't succeed at the driving test in May (Illinois makes everyone over, I think 80? Take a road test every year) there is good bus service in the town and I can help her figure out the schedules when I'm up there, and she has friends who will drive her places, and there's the Faith in Action group to drive people to doctor's appointments. 

But what that means is there's not really a place for me to get reassurance that I need, or that I don't feel like adding my worries to the pile she already has, and that's kind of a hard and lonely place to be. 

And then, as the end of the episode approaches, we see Bingo returning to the shards of the earth, and trying to reassemble it, and it's hard, and some of the pieces are far away and difficult to reach. And well, yes, she gets help - Floppy comes back and brings a couple friends - I can see myself trying to stick the bits and pieces of my world together, all on my own without help, and it's just hard and frustrating sometimes. 

So I don't know. I'm in here (my office) trying to grade some papers and I REALLY need to evaluate the scholarships and I kind of wanted to try - late in the day, because allergies and then I can shower and wash the pollen out of my hair when I get home - going out to the field site to try to get research inspiration but also to walk a little, just to convince myself I can walk in the field. (I need to walk more; I think it's staying too still at this point that makes me hurt)

* Also in the news: JoAnn Fabrics has formally declared Chapter 11 and while it sounds like they are going to try to keep going and not even close any stores, it makes me sad to see parts of the craftworld contracting. (A lot of knitting shops and some quilting shops have closed down; a number of indie dyers have gone out of business). And yes, I think part of it is our lives now: lots of people really have no money for "fripperies" like that (though in the end: you need things that make your life seem worth living, as well as the things you need to go on living like food and housing and medicine) and also many people don't have the time or energy for craft now (she says, thinking of her dozen unfinished projects and all the stuff in the "stash" that may never be used).

I don't know. My tentative fun-day plan (either tomorrow or Wednesday) is go to back to Michael's for a bit more time - I was tired and struggling with the hard floors last weekend - and maybe go to JoAnn's as well, even though of late, you can tell they've been struggling, stock has been low and not well replenished. 

I wish I had a better idea for a "fun day" but there's no one to go do things with this week, and I am physically incapable of strenuous hiking right now. And there aren't any cool museums near enough to feel worth the drive. 

I might run out to the local quilt shop before heading to the field this afternoon, just to ask if they're still taking quilts to be quilted. (I have a top that's been done for over a year that I could take in, if I can run up the backing this week)

But I do feel a bit like I did during 2020-2021 after having been so limited by this knee for a couple months; I feel like I'm suffering from a shortage of fun in my life and that it's hard to come by.

Friday, March 15, 2024

it's the fifteenth

 

(IYKYK)

Thursday, March 14, 2024

An interrupted evening

Though first off: yesterday I was on my feet and walking around (albeit with the cane) for about a half hour outside while the students did the insect-collecting lab. I felt okay afterward and okay today. And then I took my botany class out for about an hour and we did a plant-hunt (there are surprising number of the little herbaceous things I covered in class in the building's lawn or as weeds in its garden). And I felt mostly OK when I got home (A little tired, yes, but this is the most I've walked at one go in two months). 

If I still feel fine tomorrow morning that may tell me that most of my trouble now is stiffness and muscle weakness, and I need to do more gentle walking to work it out. 

But at least I got the outdoor lab in; at first I thought I might not be able to because we had storms predicted, but so far we haven't got any rain.

I was looking forward to relaxing and watching the two shows I usually watch ("Ghosts," and "So Help me Todd") but there are enormous storms here so the local CBS affiliate is tracking the storms and yes, I totally understand that, we need to stay safe and the local CBS affiliate weather guys are the best ones around here. But it's still a disappointment; I would rather there were no severe storms and my tv programs instead. 

(Update: the storms have moved out/fallen apart, so I can see most of So Help Me Todd)

But anyway. I'm trying to get the sheets changed (I had to sit down and rest a bit in between stripping the bed/recasing the pillows and doing the rest of it - like I said, I think that walking tired me out) and then, I don't know. I have an easy day tomorrow (I just give an exam) and then it's my spring break. I plan to do some research reading before the exam since I don't have to review or update notes for a class, and then maybe in the afternoon I'll catch up on grading. 

Still no ideas on a "fun" thing to do. I will want to do some research planning and I will have a big set of scholarship applications to read and evaluate but I do think I need at least one fun thing. 

I might take a day and go out to my field site and walk slowly around a little bit - again, walking on grass is far easier than walking on concrete - and I think I DO need to start walking to build myself back up. After break I might consider bringing my exercise shoes and clothes and changing before I leave for the day and going over to the "wellness center," they have one of those tracks with a rubberized surface and it's indoors. It's free for faculty and students and staff. So maybe I try to do that for a while to build back up and then eventually look into PT to try to regain more flexibility. 

I'm still not sold on the meniscus surgery; the pain I have now feels more muscular or like I haven't used the muscle/joints enough. I'll wait more and see.

Wednesday, March 13, 2024

Thoughts on practice

 If you're like me, you've watched the growth and spread of AI with concern bordering on alarm.

I would still argue the WORST use case is deepfakes of stuff, where people can have their image violated (e.g., the deepfake porn of Taylor Swift) or where they can be lied to (deepfaked political news). 

But another concern is the belief among some that, if AI doesn't QUITE replace human-created stuff,, it's "good enough" for most people. 

(Which actually mirrors another concern I have: the hollowing-out of the middle,, where there are very high-service, high-price, high-quality stores for the extremely wealthy, the mid-range places - the Sears and JC Penney's - are largely gone, and so what remains are dollar stores and places like Wal-mart, and apparently if you make less than $200K a year, you should be content with those, their products are 'good enough" for you)

AI created stuff is, by its very nature, derivative: it's basically taking what artwork/writing/music it's given access to* and chopping and remixing and not creating new things. (And yes, there's a long history of pastiche and sampling among human creators, but somehow that feels different, not "algorithmic")


(*and a major issue is some platforms sneakily allowing AI to "scrape" the material humans created without being very upfront about that with the creators)


But the other thing is that AI gives the illusion of effortless creation.. Like, "Why should people bother to do this" kind of thing.

I know I've felt that when I see the work of much more innovative knitters, or when I realize I will never play the piano all that well and if I want to hear a *good* version of the Raindrop Prelude, I should pull up one of the recordings on YouTube, instead of struggling through it myself and making mistakes. And it is somewhat discouraging.

But Sam Bergman, as part of an ongoing discussion on why creative people have a very different perception (and an alarmed one) about AI as compared to its promoters, noted: "I feel like that's such a common misconception among adults who didn't grow up steeped in the creative arts - that there's "one crazy trick" that turns you into an artist or poet or performer, rather than years of hard, repetitive work."

 

Yes. And I'm not even that good at a lot of creative things, but I can tell I get better the more I work at it - just today, I was able to finally play through the Faye Lopez arrangement of the old Swedish hymn "Day by Day" (she arranged it in the style of one of Liszt's "Consolations," and it's a really lovely arrangement, but is somewhat challenging to someone who's an intermediate pianist). And it does make you feel good to master the thing - that's even beyond the fact that you DID kind of "master" it (I still made a few mistakes). It's the feeling of "I worked at this and did this" that's satisfying in a way no "one weird trick" will ever be.

(And yes, I can hear my father now: "Nothing worth doing is ever easy")

But the concerns about AI applies to other things. (And I think there ARE parallels with the discussion of "fewer people learned to play instruments after recorded music became widely available" - again, why do the thing if someone else does it better, and you can just pay money to experience it? Though there's something in the "doing it yourself" part that has value, though it's hard to pin down). 

For example: a couple semesters back, I had a student do their in-class research project on a botanical survey of a field. But. They weren't a botanist, and instead of coming to me to get help, or using a printed key, they used one of those apps where you photograph the plant. And they didn't fact-check the app, which was the bigger problem. So they reported a species of grass as being present that is one that's NEVER yet been found in the US. (And it was one that superficially resembled a couple species common here). 

And there IS a real danger in outsourcing all knowledge and judgement to a computer - there have been news stories about people having medical-insurance claims for things like *cancer treatment* denied because apparently an AI was evaluating the things. Yes, things like iNaturalist can be helpful - I've used it myself, though mostly when "oh dang, I KNOW this plant and the name is on the tip of my tongue but I can't recall it in this moment" and seeing a list of names makes me go "oh yeah, that's Verbena stricta."

So part of the rise in AI that is concerning to me is the fact that people think it means they can outsource their "thinking" to a computer, and can turn off their brains and their common sense. Or, alternatively - and perhaps more true of my students - they don't have confidence in their own judgement and think "well the hivemind of the internet has to be smarter than I am" (I'm sorry? Have you SEEN what people say on the Internet?)

But the other thing is, when we "give up" and don't try to gain expertise or skill on our own....well, we lose something as humans.

I have people ask me all the time "how do you identify plants as easily as you do?" and my response is some combination of (a) "I've been doing this for 30 years or more at this point" and (b) "I pay attention to details and I don't jump to conclusions" and I think that second IS important, I tell my students not to latch on to a single thing (like, for example, it has compound leaves), that you have to look at the whole plant and if you are going "well this looks kind of like X but it also doesn't" to trust your instinct and consider other species. 

And so I think too much reliance on a hivemind or AI or whatever may do at least two things:

1. We stop valuing the act of individual and imperfect creation, and don't bother to write or draw or play music or any number of things that are soul enriching

2. We get dumber. And I mean in the Idiocracy (even though I hate that movie) sense - where we don't want to think for ourselves so we'll just lean on someone else or something else to decide for us. Which may mean we wake up one day and find the thing deciding things we don't like, and it will be too late. 


But one thing I know I have to fight against in myself is the "the things I can make and do are only very imperfect" and things like "why bother to try playing Debussy, I'm not good enough, and it's easier to hear a perfect recorded rendition" but I DO think trying and maybe failing has value in it. 

And I do think the "grindset techbro" way of thinking - where only the end matters and not the process - I think that's driving a lot of the AI stuff, that "look this is a kind-of-janky picture of a dog but I was able to generate it in far less time* than drawing my own picture which would probably be jankier, so why bother drawing" kind of impoverishes us and.....I don't know, it feels like it would make us less human if we let a computer do all the creative stuff we once did as a species.

I mean, i guess I don't have a problem with some of the drudgery stuff - like, I don't know, restoring old film to take scratches or white spots off of it - might be as well done by artificial intelligence. But there's danger in giving it the power to make important decisions that have an ethical dimension (like: who gets medical treatment when "resources" are limited) and letting it do the creating because the "time" that "frees up" for humans may well only be filled with more drudgery for us to do.


(*and that's absent the entire question of the massive power and water consumption in running and cooling the data centers that churn out AI)

So maybe the task for a lot of us, especially those of us long-trained in being highly self-critical, is to be more accepting of our imperfect efforts, and to remember that doing anything well takes work, and so if you can't draw a dog well at first, keep trying, keep working, maybe eventually you will.

Tuesday, March 12, 2024

Not much today

 Hurting again, with what feels like arthritic pains in the joint. It's worst after walking on the tile-over-concrete floors and it's worst at the end of the day. I did see a little improvement after getting home and taking off my shoes and walking on the hardwood floor (which has more give than concrete, despite being "hard.")

I don't know. I'm discouraged. I suspect this means I will have to get the knee surgery and so many times I've heard about how it goes wrong that I'm scared. And I'm scared and sad I'll never be able to do the things I used to do - like hiking and gardening and even *freaking kneeling down* again. 

It's been two months. I've seen some improvement but not enough. And it's hard to have to keep walking on it on TERRIBLE surfaced, and getting home just destroyed. I went to the grocery store at the end of the day (was almost out of milk) and wound up almost crying, I hurt so much and was just so tired of that little pinch in my knee with some steps. 

***

I also had to hurry up and prep an alternate lab for Systematics; it's supposed to storm Thursday and I was going to take folks out to look at the little lawn weeds (we have a surprising diversity; I know there's Capsella bursa-pastoris and mouse-eared chickweed and spring beauties and probably violets and that's four different families right there, even absent things I'm not currently thinking of.) But if it's storming it's not safe, if it's pouring it would be miserable, and I don't want to try to walk on slippery wet grass. 

So I took one of the end of the semester labs from last year - it was Rosidae and Asteridae combined - and separated them, and added a few more families to Rosidae, and we'll do that. I've already pulled the herbarium sheets which may have been unnecessary effort if it doesn't storm, but I'll need those specimens if it does. 

I had been planning on doing more research reading (in the vain hope I'll be well enough to get out and do some fieldwork, which I don't have a lot of faith in right now - I'll probably have to have the dumb surgery and then spend a month recovering, and there goes my summer. )

I do probably need to try to arrange for PT but I'm also fearful any doctor I might ask for orders would go "you probably should have the surgery first). 

Anyway. I did make myself do an hour of reading at the end of the day, which I guess was good, but it was 6 pm when I got home - after arriving on campus shortly after 7 am (and oh, oh, oh how I hate DST when I have to be up there at 7, or at least the beginning. It wasn't light until well after 8, partway through my first class).

So I don't get to change the sheets on the bed; the set I wanted to use are in the dryer and won't be done. 

***

I'm trying to do a bit more on Orchard and Vine tonight but I'm tired and also it looks like I forgot an increase somewhere (which I guess could be fixed) but I'm also worried of running short on yarn for it.

***

Another thing I need to do is start the Shingles series, apparently the two shots are months rather than weeks apart? Which means I should maybe do the first one during spring break with an eye to doing the second one in the summer. I've been warned they absolutely flatten you, and I admit I am NOT enthusiastic. I was more in gear for the COVID shots, in part because it was literally deadly, and also in part that I didn't want to wind up exposing someone to is (despite the shots being imperfect, they do considerably cut transmission). But unless I was around someone who hadn't been vaccinated against/had chicken pox, I'd be the only one suffering. 

***

I still need to figure out something "fun" for spring break (other than just sticking around at home) when I can't hike and walking very far on the typical store floor gets uncomfortable. I don't know.

Monday, March 11, 2024

A little farther

 I mostly worked on Chalcedony yesterday, the sleeve is a bit bigger, even if it might be hard to tell



I had to shift to double-pointed needles because even the 16" circular was getting unwieldy.

This is going to be a busy week - CWF tonight, board meeting Wednesday night. At least next week is spring break.


I am trying to figure out a fun thing to do ONE of those days. Hiking in Chickasaw, sadly, will be out; my knee isn't good enough yet for that and it seems too far to drive for (a) only being able to stick close to parking lots and (b) at a time of year that it's not quite as pretty (later on is better). 

I could go back to the yarn shop, except, uh......I went back this weekend because I needed OUT:

I'm telling myself I need to do more walking, it will strengthen my knee. That's a skein of peach-colored Dream in Color yarn, and a tiny stitch sampler of an embroidered sweater, and needle holders for double-pointed needles so your stitches don't drop off them.

I also went to the new Michael's. I did buy some of those color-changing cakes with a vague idea of doing one of those giant granny-square afghans (where you start a granny square and just keep on going - it's an easy crochet). This store ONLY has self checkouts, which is not an idea I love, except that there is a "balloon ordering station" (I don't know, either) that IS staffed, and when the checkout freaked out on me (they do that), she came over and helped me.


But yeah. You've probably seen photos of the stuff behind plexiglas in Targets and Walgreens'; my conspiracy theory is some stores are seeking to make shopping unpleasant enough that shoppers are eventually all driven to "order online, pick up at the curb" which would mean far fewer employees would be needed. (And maybe eventually transition to a giant warehouse with picker-robots that choose what you've ordered and send the bags of stuff down a conveyor belt for you to pick up. And really, what's the point in even leaving the house, then? (the drive to most of those places would cost as much in gas and time as shipping). Already we've lost many "third places;" for me, shopping is almost the only one left other than church (and I am often "on the job" there, at least volunteer wise). 

I also remember the "showroom warehouse" stores when I was a kid, where you see a thing on the sales floor and then have to fill out a form to get it - that was a common model for appliances and some furniture when I was a kid. Then you went to the delivery door and they loaded it in your car. I think the attraction was the store could carry more stuff because they only had one (like one of each model of microwave, or one of each type of blender, instead of boxed examples) on display. I could see that coming back (except you have to use an app, because everyone wants you to use an app) to order and pay, and then to go get your thing. 


So I don't know. Self checkout is okay when it works but it feels bad to me not to have even one normal cash register. (Also Michael's seemed not to have any books or magazines, other than a few brochure-type things near the yarn)


Oh yeah, I'll surely go back. But probably less often than I go to the "real" yarn shop.


Friday, March 08, 2024

Friday evening things

 * got enough done (caught up on grading, typed up the AAUW minutes, wrote an exam for next week, did the necessary planning for next week) that I COULD run out to shop tomorrow if I decide I want to

It will come down to how my leg feels. If it feels OK when I get up, I would like to get to the yarn shop again and maybe to Michael's and Target.

One thing that frustrates me about this injury and that has been instructive to me about chronic pain/chronic illness: you can make plans, but you might not be UP TO doing those plans. I like to be the kind of person who has plans, and the kind of person who takes advantage of free time, and so it frustrates me to wake up in pain and not be able to DO. 

Also, this morning, my right knee tried to flex backward (I caught myself quickly though) and then it hurt much of the rest of the day, but settled down with a change of shoes and a little more gentle walking.

I am to the point where I can walk short distances - especially in my house where I have the more-forgiving wood floors - without the cane. I keep it nearby in case I feel weak or have pain, but I'm hoping in maybe another month I'll be able to give it up for good? I hope?

This weekend will be the two-month mark for the injury; I've read they can take anywhere from 2 months to 2 years to heal totally. 

* I'm still reading on the book about the moon but it's slow going because the historical material it covers where I am now (Ancient Greece and other locations about that time) is something less familiar to me and I have to keep going back and re-reading to keep names straight). 

I am also reading a new-to-me Gideon Fell mystery (Author is John Dickson Carr, or at least that's the nom de plume he used for these). It's called "The Seat of the Scornful" and is a new republishing from the British Library series, which are nice little books. They do have a note at the beginning pointing out that these books are very of their time, and mostly they have not edited out some of the things "problematic" today. 

And yeah, a character in the section I used last night used a slur for a person of Italian heritage that I had forgotten even existed. (I've heard it before but those kinds of things are rare enough in my circle that I can forget about them in the day to day). (I'm not Italian; I am mainly of Irish and German heritage, and yeah, there are slurs about those though I tend to feel they're less offensive to me than the n-word would be to a Black person, probably because i haven't suffered for my heritage during my life)

It is jarring and again surprises me to remember that "yeah people once talked like that casually." So I guess while even though I see a lot of "backsliding" in recent years in how we treat each other, in most polite company, slurs aren't tolerated any more they way they used to be. (Heh. Kind of like smoking indoors, when you think about it - both being forms of pollution)

* Still working on the modified-feather-and-fan pattern socks; I think I am going to do 60 rounds on the cuff before starting the heel flap. (Or 64, if 60 seems too short). I've got a couple other patterns I want to start - a pattern for socks that claim it breaks up pooling on multicolored yarns (and I have a LOT of those) and a very simple tunic-type sweater I want to make out of the odd green yarn I bought the last time I was at JoAnn's. It would make good invigilating knitting as it's almost entirely stockinette and it's knit in the round. 

* Also, a friend on Bluesky linked this and I listened to it, despite never receiving an official diagnosis of any mental health issue, but some of things feel, yes, very familiar, especially some of the situational stuff I've dealt with (especially in the wake of my dad's death in 2019, and today I scheduled a class thing for the 13th, and I suddenly remembered that would have been his 89th birthday, and felt a little pang)


A couple salient points for me: you have to actually do maintenance to keep your life happy; you have to work at it just like you have to work at eating healthfully and getting exercise and getting enough sleep. 

But the bigger thing, his comment about having to battle meaninglessness, isolation, and exhaustion, and boy darn, that was my 2020. And that's been points since then during the past 4 years. But I like his comment about how you can fight those - the meaninglessness by doing things that are "personal development" especially. I guess I do struggle a bit with a form of the "grindset" idea - though less in the "let's make a pile of money" than in the "you must do Great Things with this life you're given" and a feeling that my life lacks meaning. But "personal development" can be "things you enjoy that you move forward in and improve at" and you know? On the days I make time to practice piano I am happier than days when I do not. I always thought it was that "well, on those days, I am less busy and because I'm less busy I'm happier" but maybe it actually is "I am doing something for myself that I can see myself progressing at and getting better at and that makes me happier" (I think trying to learn German with Duolingo helps with that a bit too). Reading works, too, and of late I've taken less time to read than is ideal.  Isolation is harder for me to fight because I really don't get a whole hour of in-person high-quality human contact (where I am not working and having to be responsible for other people, like in class), and that was the thing during 2020 that nearly killed me - not having another human to talk to, and I tended to ruminate, and having no one to bounce my thoughts off of (and be told, "you're catastrophizing" or "no, that bad thing you think about yourself isn't true) so since I only "hear" myself I come to believe it.

And exhaustion; yeah I have noticed that with this injury, when I was not sleeping well because of pain, and being tired from pain REALLY puts a "boot" on both your emotions and your ability to think. The second half of January and the first part of February, I don't really remember very well, because I was so focused on just getting through the days without major jolts of pain. I can see I am getting better on that front - I sleep better now (less pain) and I feel like I can think more clearly and I feel like I am teaching better. (A very depressing thing early in the injury was that I knew I was teaching badly, but didn't have the energy to try harder to be better at it). 

But yeah - maybe actually EVERYONE has to work at these things to enjoy life, though people who are depressed or anxious have to work harder at it, and maybe get more of those good things.

Thursday, March 07, 2024

and catching up

 * the meeting I was promised would be "a short meeting, only like 15 minutes" turned out to be over an hour and slightly acrimonious because really, there wasn't a good solution to the problem the committee was addressing. In the end the least-bad thing passed, but, yeah. 

Tonight I have AAUW. I mean, I don't RESENT it but I'd also not mind an evening at home. Hopefully this will not be a long meeting

* I took my ecology class out on a (shorter than I anticipated*) trip around campus for tree identification. And I guess I am still who I am; at one point a couple of the women were giggling and I was like "oh man did I say something that now has a secret Urban Dictionary meaning, or am I have a wardrobe malfunction, why are they laughing at me?"

And then I realized they were looking over my shoulder at something behind me. I turned around and in the yard that buts up to that part of campus, there was a tortoiseshell cat, standing there, looking at us through the chainlink fence. I said "Oh. Kitty." and that made them laugh harder but whatever.

Yes, I still assume people laughing in my presence are laughing at me; too much long training as a schoolkid I guess. I mean, it's LESS now but it still sometimes surprises me that I still feel it

(*My knee started hurting so I skipped two of the more-distant trees that are ones we probably won't see anyway. The tree lab is in three weeks or so so hopefully I will be even better-healed by then. I'm hurting a bit today still)

* My frustration at what regular old capitalism has mutated in continues. There's a cinnamon recall, and granted, it's mostly dollar-store brands (some people have no choice, I know, but I wouldn't buy food at a dollar store if I had the choice - too much of a history of regulatory violations).

Anyway, I was wondering: oh no, could my Penzey's or Spice and Tea Exchange cinnamon products be dangerous, could it just be a contaminated-soil issue, like the arsenic in rice some years back?

But no:

"Historically, lead chromate has been illegally added to certain spices increase to their weight and enhance their color, which increases the monetary value of the adulterated spices. FDA’s leading hypothesis remains that this was likely an act of economically-motivated adulteration" (FDA link)

Yeah, great, another thing we thought was eliminated in the early 20th century (PURE FOOD AND DRUG ACT, ANYONE) is roaring back. ARGH.

* Then again, I did write a pastiche of Resumé by Dorothy Parker some years back:

Consommé (with apologies to D. Parker)

Sugars cause diabetes;
Fat causes liver-sick
Gluten’s in wheaties,
And rice has arsenic;
Salmonella in salad
Amines in meat
Every food’s horrid;
You might as well eat.

 (Ah, the comments on that. Long-lost commenters, including one I know to be lost to this temporal plane. I miss the days of feeling more widely-read and commented upon)

* But yeah, between that and JoAnn's going into some form of bankruptcy protection (and it's ALREADY owned by a holding company) and some things I've read about the future of bookselling ("It may all be virtual texts, or print on demand, in the future") I feel kind of like everything that mattered to me is dying, and it's hard to feel a great deal of enthusiasm for the future. 

I mean, yeah, the internet is great and all, but sometimes I want REAL STUFF. I want to be able to walk into a bookstore and see new books that I can pick up and look at and buy then and there (and the POD books I've bought have been a lower quality, or at least lower aesthetics, than the book-books). And I'd also rather not have to mail order everything and then wait a week or more for its delivery - and also the whole "leaving the house" aspect of it - if the only way to get craft supplies is through the USPS, there's one less reason to leave the house. And I spent the better part of a year (2020 into 2021) NOT leaving the house (other than to go to work) and it was NOT GREAT for my mental health.

And "just go hiking" okay fine but what if my knee never actually heals and this hobbled life is the best I have now? And what when it's 115 F out? Or raining? 

I dunno. There are plenty pot dispensaries and "gaming" outlets here but precious little for folks like me who don't want those things.

* I hope I'm wrong about that. I know I'm tired and I am trying to complete some grading (but it's making me despair; some folks are poorly prepared).

* Still on the fence of "stay home this weekend" vs. "Maybe make a trip out to the new Michael's." I know there are a few things I could get at the Target near them but I also don't know if my knee is up for it. 

It is very frustrating having a mobility-limiting injury that just drags on and on, and that LIES to you about it being better.

 


Tuesday, March 05, 2024

And more accomplishments

 But first: here's a photo of how far I am on Chalcedony after today. (I gave an exam and knit more on the sleeve)


It's probably between 1/3 and 1/2 done. I like that the sleeves are knitted on; there's no seaming with this and no fiddly sleeve caps with decreases to make the curve in the top. (You do decrease underneath the sleeve, two stitches every four rows, to make it taper.)

***

I got my tax paperwork into the CPA today, so that will be in process. It's worth it to me to pay someone to do it; saves wear and tear on me. 

I picked up a piece of mail (OH! which I never opened yet, it's still in my purse) that had a little postage due on it

And then, I went to Marie's. This is what I think of as the "stylish older woman" store in town; a lot of people swear by it for clothes. I've never shopped there because it's generally more expensive than what I can comfortably afford but my friend Mary from church told me that they had "orthopedic like" shoes that were very comfortable (and cute! she had a pink pair) and while I'm healing this knee I need something with more support. And, heck, I probably need to start wearing more stable shoes anyway so I don't mess myself up again.

I was prepared for the disappointment of "oh we had those for a while but they all sold out and we're not getting more" but the woman enthusiastically showed me a whole display of them, in several different colors (and a couple other finishes, there was one that was almost a velvety looking brown). I wanted the sparkly ones if they had them in my size, and I wanted something for brown clothing - I don't have any comfortable/safe for my knee brown shoes, so I'd been leaning heavily on the things that went with blue or black

But she had them! Brought out several pairs when I said "I take anywhere from a 7 1/2 to an 8 1/2. (As it turns out, they are Euro sized; if I'd known I'd just have said "38" to start. And that was the size I took).

They are sparkly. Those aren't exactly rhinestones; they're more like bedazzler gems. I hope they're well-attached but given the shoes were fairly expensive, I would hope they are:


they're cute enough to work with most of my more-casual skirts/dresses. And anyway, now, when I'm injured? I think I get a bit of a pass on shoes. Hopefully these will help, they're definitely more supportive and don't slip around on my feet like the ones I had been wearing. 

***
I am feeling better yet again today - stood up for much of one class (the other I was giving an exam and sat), walked around the building a bunch, parked and walked about a block to Marie's and back (did stop off at Sundrop Books going back to my car - I wanted to go in but also my knee was screaming at me and I needed to sit down for a minute, and they have chairs). I did buy a copy of Mary Shelley's "Frankenstein" (I have never read it - all I know is it's a good bit different to the movies, the monster is actually thoughtful and philosophical rather than just a shambling beast. (I think it's also supposed to end somewhat sadly? Oh well I'll deal with that when I get there). I also talked with the owner who knows me slightly  (she was in one of my classes once, and I've been in there a number of times). She had left school with an uncompleted degree, and then found out she only lacked **one** class - and that class can be done online, while she is working. So she's going to earn her degree after all, which is nice for her. 

Also, I might go back to Marie's when I have a little money and want new clothes - they do have nice things AND like some small shops like that, the people working there are very cheerful and enthusiastic and welcoming and I admit even though I felt a bit like the "country mouse" (I am NOT as fashionable as a lot of the things they sell), they didn't make me feel like anything other than a valued customer. And it felt.....weirdly familiar and nostalgic to me? There were shops like that in the town where I grew up, one or two where my mom shopped for clothes, and the people there were always very helpful and friendly and interested in the customer in the way people in larger stores don't (especially now, in places like Kohl's you'll be lucky if someone points you to the right department if you ask where the shoes are or whatever). And yes, good customer service works on me; I'd rather save my pennies and pay a little more for a nice item sold by pleasant people than get the rock-bottom price in a dimly-lit, warehouse-like store. 

For that matter, if they continue to carry those shoes? Maybe at some point I get another pair in a different color or in one of the plainer styles.

Monday, March 04, 2024

Monday evening things

* So Friday night my mom and I were talking on the phone, and she was talking about how Illinois makes everyone over a certain age take the road-test for driving EVERY YEAR to renew their license.

which is perhaps mostly a good thing, but for folks with a good driving record? You'd think they'd cut them a little slack.

But anyway, I thought: "wait. I last renewed my license right before the pandemic started...." and I checked it.

Yup, it expired on February 28.

So I worried ALL WEEKEND. I am one of those people who NEVER expects any slack to be cut for them; I am the person that the rules get applied to extra hard in order to prove to other people that the rules matter.

So I thought: well, maybe they have a grace period? Or maybe I could make vague noises about my injured leg and "not being able to drive for a while" (Granted, that was less than a week).

In truth, I mostly just forgot. I forget a lot of things now. Perhaps it's partly pain at the moment, perhaps it's I'm trying to do too much, perhaps I'm trusting my formerly-good memory too much. 

But at any rate: they didn't bat an eye. I brought in all my paperwork for the Real ID version (Oklahoma is slowly joining the 21st century on this) and she processed it and took a bad photo of me and had me scan my thumbprints. And then she asked me: do you want to renew for four years or for eight?

It's a couple dollars less than double the cost for eight years, and it's cutting out the hassle. The problem is now I'll have to remember in 2032 (if I even still live here). No, my state doesn't send out reminders - I complained to one of the church ladies yesterday about "mine must have gotten lost" and she said "oh no, they don't send them out any more" (Though oddly? I got the reminder to renew my car tag, which I did at the same time as the license).

But anyway, it's done, and everything worked out better than I expected. (My new license is coming by mail; I have a printout I am to carry until it arrives. The woman also gave me back my old license with a punch-hole in it to show it was invalid. I don't know whether to keep it or see if I can shred the plastic somehow (for security purposes)

***

Tomorrow I have to take my tax stuff in.

I might make tomorrow a little bit of an errand day. One of the church ladies told me a local store had "cute" orthopedic shoes (she had a pair; they basically looked like tennis shoes with rhinestones on them, but I think I could wear them with some of my dresses) and I want to see if they still have them in stock, and if they do, maybe get a pair. 

I am STILL having knee pain and I wonder if some of it is that I don't have any really good supportive shoes other than tennis shoes, and I can't wear those with a dress. I did try putting the compression sleeve on for my afternoon lab and my knee does hurt slightly less tonight, so maybe I have to just wear that when I'm going to be on my feet a while. 

The pain is LESS, but if I walk very far, especially on a concrete or sidewalk surface, the knee starts to hurt - sort of a burning pain. It gets better when I sit for a bit, but gets bad again with walking on hard surfaces. 

Ice does help, and after the Tag Office, I ran to walgreens and got another gel pack to take over to school (my colleague the MD/PhD has a freezer in his research lab that he doesn't keep anything hazardous in, and he actually suggested I get one and keep it in there - it's just a few steps from my office). I have two for at home - one to use and one to keep frozen. I will just leave this one over there when (if?) my leg gets better; one of my other colleagues is prone to migraines and she might find it helpful.

I am just very tired of this though, and it's frustrating at how slowly it gets better. I healed a broken elbow in less time than this! (Granted, it was a very simple break and I was 21, but still, by this point in that injury I had the cast off and was doing pt and whirlpool treatments to get my strength back, and I had no pain at all)

***

I started the first sleeve on Chalcedony. I will probably get some more done tomorrow; I give an exam in one of my classes. The sleeves of this are knit directly onto the body; I don't think there's actually any seaming on this because the front bands are knit on at the end (and there are no buttons, this is a sweater designed to hang open)

I also pulled Orchard and Vine back out but didn't add very many more rows to it; I still need to do about 30 more before the next pattern change (adding in another color).  

I also want to start another pair of socks but am trying to hold off on that; I have a lot of projects going.

Friday, March 01, 2024

one more appointment

Me, last week: "oh, thank goodness, I'm done with medical appointments for a while"

The dental checkup I scheduled six months ago: "ha ha, I don't THINK so."

Yeah, early this week I got the texted reminder. I knew it was coming up but I thought it was a little later. But I confirmed, "being tired of medical stuff" isn't a sufficient excuse, so I went this afternoon.

My dentist is good, his hygienists are good, but I still don't like going to the dentist. Too many unfamiliar noises, too much stuff crammed in my (small) mouth, too much anxiety about "what might be wrong this time." 

My least favorite part is "sonication" - they use some kind of super-vibrating thing that also uses a very high pitched sound to remove tartar. And, unfortunately, some people just MAKE a lot of tartar (different saliva chemistry, the hygienist once told me) even with good dental hygiene.

I remember some years ago Nick Seluk ("The Awkward Yeti") drew some comics about a gallbladder that had to be removed because of stones, and one of the panels was the dumb little gallbladder holding out stones and saying "I maded these!" with some pride, and I imagine my salivary glands doing the same about the limestone they're depositing on my teeth. (I know, that's not quite accurate, but)

So I had to lie there with my mouth open for what felt like at least 15 minutes while she worked. And I don't like the upper back teeth being done; there is an annoying sound that gets conducted by the bones in my head (the lower jaw is a lot better)

I also had to have a fuller set of x-rays done, it's been a couple years.

The good news was that my teeth are fine; I don't need to go back until September (barring some emergency). And they did the ultrasonic cleaning on my mouth guard - even with brushing it it gets gross over time. 

And even better: the good dentist I see (one of two in this practice) who had been ill, has recovered, and he looked like he was doing pretty well. (Not just because he's a fellow human and I don't like fellow humans to suffer, but I'd hate to have to break in a new dentist)

So maybe now? Maybe now I have until May before the next medical thing?

***

A long awaited item I ordered came today. It's something for my little "Island of Misfit Toys" group - you may have seen pictures of the goofy bootleg "Garfield Movie Garfield" plush cat that's made by some random Chinese factory. Well, I had looked at them online going "they're so ugly, ha ha" and after a while I was like "I kind of want one" and shortly after I hurt my leg (so you can see how long it took to ship here), I found one for sale and ordered it. It was stuck in LA for FOREVER and I was on the verge of saying to myself, "They didn't actually ship it; I got ripped off, I'll have to see if I can get a refund" when I saw it had moved to "Missouri City, Texas" (it's near Houston) and then finally was out for delivery today

"Oh baby what did you do?" hahahaha


Yeah, he's pretty janky. I'm calling him Gorf because he's not REALLY Garfield. He looks like he's lived pretty rough:


But yeah, worth the $12 or so I paid for the laugh. He's a little bigger than Beanie Baby size.

Though I admit, this kind of thing makes me miss the days of Dakin. When I was a kid, there were a few "gift shop" brands of stuffed animals - Dakin was probably the nicest of the widely available and reasonably priced ones, and had the highest species diversity, but there was also Russ Berrie and Applause (which eventually bought Dakin, and now I think they're both gone). And Kamar, though I didn't see that brand as often.

When I had a little spending money as a kid, it often went towards some Dakin plush animal or other. I still have a few of them (And I bought an echt Garfield - vintage 80s Dakin - from a seller on Etsy to replace the one I no longer have). 

But yeah, they were one of the Good Things of my late childhood. 

This guy is maybe a little scary but he's also funny in the way that ugly dogs are funny, and I think I'm glad I bought him.

Thursday, February 29, 2024

A little further

 As knitting time has permitted this week, I've been working on the striping socks in the modified feather-and-fan pattern

The colors actually remind me more of Princess Luna now than Twilight Sparkle, because of the "Starry Night" band (the black with white dots)

I am 40 rounds into the fancy stitch; I might go up to 56 or 60 before starting the heel. 

I need to find more patterns that work with self striping yarn; I have a lot of it and it seems like socks go faster if I'm counting rows in a pattern than if it's just "knit in stockinette for 7"" or whatever.

**

I dunno. Maybe my knee is slowly getting better. Now it feels tight and "burny" and someone told me that burning feeling was the muscles sort of slowly getting stronger again as I walk more.

I'm going to give it another week, and then maybe make sure my faculty ID is validated for the year, and then start bringing walking clothes and tennis shoes- there's an indoor wellness center on campus that you can get into with your ID, and they have a "mondo surface" track, which I'm pretty sure is that slightly rubbery surface that would be more comfortable to walk on (they also have treadmills and other equipment) and I do want to start walking, and slowly increase what I do in the hopes of building myself back up because I am now wondering if some of the pain I have is actually inactivity.

I mean, I'll have to be careful, of course, but maybe it's something I need now. 


Wednesday, February 28, 2024

Almost lost it

 One thing I've learned during this injury is I am a LOT less tolerant. 

We recently had the paper towel dispensers replaced with snazzy new motion-sensor ones - you wave your hand in front, and they spit out towels. They're pretty awesome - when they work.

Except, the one in my teaching lab is broken. The catch on it is bad and it randomly flops open. I can't remember if I complained on here about finding a broken sedimentation cylinder one day and blaming it on a careless student? Well, it probably wasn't, it was probably the $%&*($ broken dispenser.


Because it happened today. I did the soils lab with my ecology class and when we got done I dumped out the "blank" (the one they test their hydrometers against to see if they read true) and left the cylinder in front of the dispenser because there was no more room on the drying rack. (These cylinders are maybe 18" tall and are of fairly thick glass)

I was stepping away when the dispenser fell open, knocked the cylinder over, and it shattered


I ALMOST said a bad word. I was mostly startled by it, and I'm also hurting (have been on my feet a LOT today). I clenched my fists and took a couple steps away (with my back to it) and calmed down, and sighed, and said "okay, we need to clean this up" and dragged the broken glass box over there.


Then realized the broom was in my RESEARCH lab, a long way away. One of the students volunteered to get down and use the whisk broom to get the glass up off the floor (I still can't kneel down and be sure I'll be able to get back up). I shouldn't have let her - it's a cut hazard and I could have gotten in trouble - but at that point I was REALLY close to crying, so I just thanked her, and cleaned the glass off the counter myself, and then griped about broken things that don't get fixed.

I did send a message to the physical plant. it may be the first time it's been reported; there's allegedly a custodian in this building but I never see him. (Our OLD custodian, he would have either reported it right away or fixed it himself, but he got promoted to the admin building - because of course)

But anyway. I guess I managed to get self control back fast enough (I feel bad when I lose my temper in front of a class) and they knew my irritation was not aimed at them - if anything, it was my fault for putting the cylinder where it was, but also too darn many things on this campus are broken.

And most of them are pretty good kids; they helped me clean up including one guy washing down the tables before I could even ask because he knows I teach a lab in there tomorrow that requires clean tables. 

But yeah, I need to run to the store, gonna get more milk and I might see if there's some small easily prepared thing for dinner, or maybe get a pint of ice cream because it's been a WEEK.

 

("But Captain, it's only Wednesday!" says Tintin)

Tuesday, February 27, 2024

the birthday struggle

 I guess it's a good thing I had a decent day Saturday; I'm struggling a bit today. After my leg feeling better yesterday (and as a result, I stood and walked more), it hurts again today and I wonder "What do I do if it's NEVER totally better?? what if this is just my life now?" It's really not good enough to do fieldwork or even really lead field  labs.

I bleakly wonder if any accommodations are in place for a field scientist who can no longer "field," or if the answer is "take early retirement lest you lose your job over teaching poorly and not doing research"

I mean, MAYBE it will be better. But it's been six plus weeks, and I still have some pain. Especially today, and I'm hoping that's that we're facing a BIG weather change (big temperature drop, and I presume, big pressure change). 

Also, none of the packages I am expecting (all stuff I ordered) are moving. My monthly yarn box FINALLY made it to Tulsa, but it might be a couple more days. Other things just seem stuck at a sorting center. And no paper mail for me today - 0 mail pieces on Informed Delivery. (A card would have been nice ON THE DAY. My mom did send me one earlier and I've gotten a few "client cards" from places that send out cards to their customers or patients). 

Also, dinner's going to be a bit complicated. I wanted to get at least a slice of cake but there's nowhere to get one, and I have a Zoom interview with a job candidate at 5. I could probably still pick up barbecue after that, but just fitting the pieces of when to do things together makes me tired.


and I would really like a piece of cake. But oh well, unless I stop at Green Spray and hobble in and buy one of those not-that-great frozen Pepperidge Farm cakes, I won't have one. (I haven't the time or energy to make one tonight). 

I do have a few gifts from my mom (I think I know what they are) to unwrap. Nothing from my brother; I'm not surprised but I am disappointed. My mom even said she hinted to him when she talked to him a bit back, but....yeah, no. I know I'm not a priority to them. It's okay, or at least I'm trying to reconcile myself to it. 

I had WANTED to get out to a local shop that a friend told me had cute but orthopedic type shoes but I didn't have time today - had to write an exam, wanted to do some research reading. Tomorrow will be a busy day and at the end of the day I have to prep Thursday's lab. (Teaching three separate labs with no TA help is no joke). 

Friday afternoon I have a dental checkup and I really don't love that; I had hoped to be free of medical stuff for at least a little bit, but I made this six months ago when I didn't know I'd be injured so I'm just keeping it. 


I'm telling myself, but not really believing myself, that by Spring Break (three weeks from now) I will be Almost Totally Better! and I can take a day and go BACK to the yarn shop and go to Michael's and get caught up on stuff and maybe even get back to working on the Moominhouse.


Still, it would help if one of the several things I had ordered would arrive. But it won't. And UPS is one again doing the "hey, we're gonna hand your package off to USPS and it'll take 3-4 more days, or, oh hey, pay an upcharge to have us deliver it in one day instead!" and that feels slimy to me and that's how the world works now - that if you want the things you once got as a matter of course, now you have to pay an upcharge. 


Anyway, I don't quite know what would fix me. Well, cake would, maybe, but I don't see that happening. I will get barbecue for dinner so AT LEAST I won't have to cook. (no they don't show any desserts I would want on their current online menu. Sometimes they do have cake but not today, it looks like)


Adult birthdays are a rip off, and this one - my 55th - feels especially so.


Update: at least I got the barbecue carry out after the interview ended around 6



Monday, February 26, 2024

And Saturday's trip

 Tomorrow is my birthday. I hit "double nickels," which seems really weird to me; most of the time I feel like I am still in my 30s. (Well, except for my knee - it is better but today I stood and walked more than I had since January and I can feel it tonight).


Well, also on Saturday I stood and walked a lot, though it was in shorter bursts.

First, the trip to Quixotic Fibers. It started off badly - the car key slid out of my pocket when I "rotated" to get out of the seat (it's still harder for me to climb out of a car like I once did). I had locked the car and was walking (across a COBBLED BRICK PARKING LOT, which is agony on a bone bruise) when I realized I couldn't feel the key in my pocket.

So I went back and looked, first hoping it had fallen on the ground, then hoping the door didn't *actually* lock, but it had. So I kind of freaked out and went in to the store (which was super crowded: small store, grand opening) and managed to ask an employee what I could do. I was told to call the police, they could send someone.

Nope. The Denison police does NOT unlock car doors, I was haughtily told by the dispatcher, I'd have to hire a locksmith. (Gee, sorry, my only previous experience was locking my keys in the car on campus, and the campus police officer happily came out - "this is an easy thing to fix," he said - and unlocked the door for me).  So I did. Luckily there was a guy on his way from Gainesville to Bonham and he was close enough to swing by. So I waited - sitting as best I could on the bumper of my minivan, because by that point, after crossing the brick parking lot several times and walking on the weird textured concrete floor in the Katy Depot, I was SORE.

He arrived fast enough. Walked up to my car. "Ma'am.....by any chance do you know the code for the entry keypad?"

D'OH!!!!! (And yes, I literally facepalmed. I had forgot that existed, and to that very moment I had forgot I had the code secretly stored in my phone). 

"I'll still have to charge the service call," he said apologetically, "but just that. If you read the code off to me I can at least punch it in for you." 


So yeah, there's a concept - it translates to "learning money" (I think it's lära sig pengar in Swedish, maybe something similar exists in German) that I read about years ago: basically, it's the cost of learning something you should have known, and I guess that was my situation there.

But I got my key back, and I guess the guy got a few quick bucks (I don't know how much overhead the company that employs him takes. Not a lot, I hope)

Anyway, I finally got in to shop. By then, it had cleared out a little, so I was able to look, despite hurting some:


 Three sock yarns. Most of what they carry is sockyarn but that makes sense - good for small projects, lightweight, can make shawls of it (and hats, and mitts, and socks, and even a sweater if you buy a lot of it). The deep turquoise color here is for fingerless mitts (it's a Dream in Color), and the striped one will be socks, perhaps knit with some kind of chevron pattern to make the stripes more interesting. And that other one is called "unicorn bark" (it's dyed in South America. And apparently "unicorn bark" is a candy, like peppermint bark but with rainbow sprinkles). I will probably use that for some kind of fancy-stitch socks. 

I also impulse-bought a bag because it made me laugh:

I am not particularly a fan of Lady Ga Ga, but some of the stuff I've read about her tells me she's a decent person - she's big on getting kids to accept and celebrate who they are, and she did that work with Tony Bennett towards the end of his life. 

And the bag is absolutely funny.

They gave out tickets for every $20 spent; they were doing a drawing for a gift basket (I presume I didn't win). As I was filling them out (sitting at the table in the shop), I saw this and decided to make one more purchase:


It's a kit (even the hook is in there, the only thing it doesn't have is stuffing) for an amigurumi unicorn. The yarns are all recycled material/repurposed material; apparently this company's thing is being environmentally friendly. But it's definitely a cute design, maybe will be the next "critter" I start.

I also went out to lunch (Red Lobster, but.....we don't exactly have luxury restaurants here and I was able to get a decent lobster tail). From there I was also able to look over at the relatively-new Michael's and it looked really crowded, so I decided to wait for a later date on that, hopefully when I'm even more healed.

I did go to Ulta (got my "birthday gift" - a small tube of free "body butter" that is pretty nice, and was able to pick up a few items I was getting low on). And the JoAnn's, found a really odd-colored (bright, bright green with tiny purple flecks) yarn on sale - a sweater's worth for less than $30 - and I was tempted enough by the odd color to buy it. I have a simple tunic type sweater pattern that it *should* work with. Or any generic pullover pattern would work.

From there, to the natural-foods store. Got more of the canned pureed sweet potatoes I like, and decided to just pay the small premium on milk and eggs there (rather than trying to get to the Kroger's) because, as I said, I was hurting at that point and ready to just go home. 

But at least I got out! And I found the yarn shop! And since I'm not traveling over Spring Break (I thought I wouldn't be healed up enough, and it's too late to get a ticket now), I could go back there on a weekday then (and hopefully: I'll be even more healed in three more weeks). 

But I do need to get to bed soon. I taught an entire lecture on my feet (at the whiteboard, demonstrating how demographic life tables work) and was on my feet for most of the 2 hour lab this afternoon, and I am tired and hurting a little


Friday, February 23, 2024

hoping I'm better

 Well, I FELT better earlier today. Picked up and put away the lab from Thursday, went home, did laundry, ran some errands (I had to drop something to the UK in the mail at the post office, I needed to get a couple watch batteries replaced....the watch guy was out so I left them and said if I was back in town tomorrow by the time they closed (3 pm) I'd pick them up, if not that, then Monday). I also realized the "feet" on my cane were worn down


You can see the metal exposed on that top right one.

Fortunately I found that out when I was walking into the post office and heard it grate on the sidewalk, so I ran over to the medical-supply shop and got a new set of feet.

I hopefully told the young woman there "well, I shouldn't need it for much longer, it seems"

Oh, and a bit of humor: in French, this is a "canne tetrapode" which makes me laugh because my main association with "tetrapod" is as a general term for the terrestrial animals (many reptiles and mammals and amphibians) that have four feet


Anyway. I also graded, and I did that with my legs crossed for part of the time. That was a mistake; now I am hurting again (I also may have done too much walking on hard surfaces - concrete floors are bad, sidewalks are bad) and I am hurting again. It's weird "crawly" pains in the muscles UNAFFECTED by the actual injury, so I presume that's from walking wrong for six weeks. The area of the bone bruise hurts a little too, and I'm hoping it's just part of the healing process and maybe being tired. 

And yes, I took the evening dose of tylenol and iced the leg and I'm hoping it settles down so I can sleep well. I slept pretty well last night and felt good when I woke up....


And of course I commented about it on Bluesky and some rando who had never interacted with me before slid in to tell me not to take tylenol because "it's really bad for your liver and kidneys" and that person is now blocked by me because you know? I am NOT a stupid woman (as they may have assumed); I am a biologist. I am taking less than half the allowed quantity in a day and I try to skip taking it if I can. I can't take NSAIDs and I don't want narcotic pain relief. There's not much I could do OTHER than suffer, in that case, and you know? Suffering wears a person down! Even with what pain relief I've used I'm worn down, I get sad more easily and angry more easily and I'm worn out.


I still want to go to the yarn shop but if I'm still hurting tomorrow I won't be able to. No there's no one I could ask to drive me, that's an awfully big ask on awfully short notice. 

I'm tired of not being able to do anything other than drag myself to work and back. This is like the stupid pandemic all over again, except now it's my stupid body keeping me stuck at home instead of a circulating virus. And yes, I've had 2020 flashbacks and bad dreams. 

 

I am REALLY hoping I feel better in the morning, even if that "better" only lasts long enough to get me safely to the yarn shop and back. 

 

One good thing, I got another gift - this time from a friend.

Flatpack void:


 And slowly-expanding void:


I might name the cat Hubble, seeing as Hubble was apparently the one who proposed the model of a slowly expanding universe (the "raisin bread" model).

Thursday, February 22, 2024

Thursday evening things

 * I guess I'm SLOWLY getting better. I can stand longer and walk longer, but I still have pain after a while. Usually sitting, especially if I can elevate my leg and put ice on it, helps. 

I'm hoping I can be largely stationary tomorrow (one class in which I give an exam) to rest up because I still do want to go to AT LEAST Quixotic Fibers on Saturday (and if I have the energy/lack of pain, maybe either Ulta or Michael's, and as a stretch goal, the Green Market). 

* I did a grocery pickup from Pruett's today. I ordered it yesterday when I was *really* hurting (had been on my feet a lot) and I'm glad I did even if it's $5 (to cover the cost of the extra employee time, which seems fair). I needed more butter and lemons, in addition to milk and some canned goods and a few other things. There's a potluck Sunday and it's supposed to be "Italian" theme, and I don't quite feel like making pasta (and I presume lots of folks will bring that), and I found an "Italian Lemon Cake" (just a simple, one layer round cake, no frosting - allegedly Italians don't care for it, so the site author claimed) and it sounded good and not too difficult, so I think I'll make that. 

* First birthday gift arrived; a box from Republic of Tea came. At first I wondered who it was from - my mother had sent me a box of small wrapped gifts and a check, and I thought, "Oh I wonder if my brother actually got me a gift on time this year?" but no, it was an extra gift from her

It's a sampler. There are some in there that look really good (some blueberry ones and a couple of hibiscus) and one or two I'll have to "rehome" (ones with chamomile, which I'm mildly allergic to). There are also green teas and black teas in with the herbals. 

* One of our good students (he is a McNair scholar) has been helping me a bit with lab set-ups, and he saw me today and asked, if I didn't mind, what the final diagnosis was, and I said the main issue right now was a bone bruise, and he said "ohhhhhh those suuuuuuuuuuck" so I presume he has experience with them. And yeah, they do suck. It'll probably be at least another month before I'm back to normal. 

I'm seriously considering for when I restart exercise, maybe trying to get a membership at one of the local gyms (the place I used to do PT does them, and it's a friendly enough place - more retired folks or people rehabbing after surgery than hardbodies or women who might look askance at a fatter woman there)  and start out just walking on a treadmill instead of trying to go back to the cross country skiier right away. I also might be able to pay for a little time with the PT guy there to be sure I'm going back to exercise safely. (And when the weather's good, I can always walk the sidewalks up at campus, though too many hard surfaces get uncomfortable after a while). The PT place also has rowing machines and a few other machines where I could get a more balanced workout. 

* This evening though I just relaxed and worked a bit more on the new socks. I did 20 rounds of ribbing, and at this point I'm 16 rounds into the four-round pattern:


* And here's hoping I sleep better tonight; I had some pain last night, probably from being on my feet too much and pushing myself to walk more. 

I guess I didn't ruin the Moon book ("Our Moon: How Earth's Celestial Companion Transformed the Planet, Guided Evolution, and Made Us Who We Are" by Rebecca Boyle) by reading it at doctor's appointments (including the one where the guy suggested the idea of mensicus surgery - which I might still get but I want to see how I feel by June, I want the bone bruise to heal first, some folks have told me that once they healed from other injuries they didn't need the surgery). Sometimes that happens, though - I come to relate something I did during an unpleasant time with that time, and then I can't enjoy it any more. 

But I AM glad to be done with doctor visits for a while; I have two afternoons during the week when I DON'T have lab, and I like those to work on things and also eat a proper lunch at home. I haven't been able to do that for the past couple weeks. 

* I also haven't drunk tea in quite a while; I don't like to drink it after 4 pm (I am caffeine sensitive enough it might bother me) and when I had to go to the doctor OR ESPECIALLY THE MRI I didn't want a large cup of a caffeinated beverage on board - because if you have to urinate while you're in the MRI, I guess you either try to hold it or you make them stop, and get you out, and then you have to start all over.

I'll get to have a cup tomorrow; Fridays I can eat lunch at home.

* Also I realized today how incredibly fortunate I probably was: yes, bone bruises suck as do meniscus tears BUT I also read (while trying to research if there were more home remedy type things I could do to speed healing of the bruise) that in rare cases, a hyperextension/twisting accident like I had can lead to a spiral fracture instead of a bone bruise. And you really don't want to websearch what a spiral fracture is. I did, and felt slightly sick to my stomach after reading it, and it seems not unlikely if I had had one, I'd have lost a year and a half of my life to surgery, and incapacitation, and then rehabbing. I don't know how I'd manage that; being in a cast for six months (not being able to drive, not being able to do anything). So I guess my guardian angel was watching out for me even if the bone bruise is really unpleasant.

Tuesday, February 20, 2024

It's mixed news...(content warning: allusions to gross medical stuff)

 The good news: the orthopedist seems really unconcerned about the bone bruise. "Oh yeah," he said "those are very common. Just keep icing as you need to, and you can do whatever activities your pain will tolerate"

The bad news: the damage to the meniscus is such that he thinks I would be better served by having a little chunk shaved off it BUT I can wait until summer (I kind of freaked out, and then I said I really wanted the bone bruise to be more healed - I don't like the idea of there being blood pooled in the bones and stressing them and have a doctor digging around them). He was totally fine with that, and in fact, thought waiting for more bone-bruise healing was probably good.

So I have their direct number, and when (if) I'm ready, I can set it up.

I do want to wait for the bone bruise to heal more, but also: If I do it I want to do it in the summer when I can just take a couple days totally off.

He assured me that (a) they use minimal anesthetic, it's like what they do for a wisdom-tooth extraction (I had that, the so-called twilight sleep, and I didn't die, though I was 30 years younger and didn't have hypertension then) and (b) you can put weight on it just a couple days later, not having the 4-6 weeks on crutches I was thinking. But I will have to ask how long before I could drive (it's my right leg, so). If I can't drive for an extended time, I will have to line up rides. Church would be no problem, and if it's in the summer, I could maybe just NOT do work, or do research-reading at home. But getting out for checks of the incision and stitch removal would be a thing, and groceries would be a thing (we don't have delivery here in town). I could probably get someone to pick up for me if I did "order online and pick up at the curb," especially if I paid them for their time investment and gas. (And I could lay in a big supply of nonperishables before the surgery)

But still....I'm hoping that when the bone bruise heals I have minimal pain and dysfunction from the meniscus, and I can just skip the surgery. But I won't know until a while later.


So, I'm not deeply depressed about it but not as happy as I might have been. I figure I can take it easy Friday (I just give an exam, and so can mostly sit) and hopefully will feel fine Saturday for the yarn shop. 

My mom sent me a $100 birthday check, and I know what I want to use that for....