How to play...

 Most nights I try to watch a little tv and knit, even if all it is a re-run of one of the veterinarian shows or some cartoon I've seen eighteen times. 

But tonight, the cable was out (it just came back, just in time for me to start thinking about going to bed). Instead, I put the BBC app on on my phone. There was a World Service program on, called "Why We Play." I kept listening partly because the announcer (I *think* he was Welsh) had a pleasant and interesting voice, but then the program interested me - I might try to relisten to it if they have a recording of it posted. 

This episod was about playfulness in adults; I came in on a feature about an improv class. And comments were made about how being playful makes life better - that people with a sense of playfulness are perhaps better at rolling with the punches in life, and they're more creative at work, and generally are happier.

But playfulness is hard to pin down - the announcer noted that what I refer to as "enforced fun" doesn't work (e.g., a workplace instituting silly hat days, or similar) because some people dislike the conformism and anyway, you're playing by someone else's rules so you're not being creative yourself. 

There were a couple dimensions of playfulness - I forget all of them but openness to new things was one and gregariousness was another, and I know those are both things I am low on - I've never been that open to new things and I'm also a little overtaxed sometimes by too many people. 

Another thing, I think: I've lost a lot of playfulness in the past few years. Partly it's the shocks we're all heir to in all times and all places - losing a parent you were close to is no joke. Partly the state of the world is just more difficult (or feels more difficult) than it once did, and I also feel in a way like the scales have fallen from my eyes and I have a more cynical and jaded view of humanity and how it interacts. 

But I would like to get back to being more playful. I think I used to be? It seems like I used to be? But I'm not sure how. I'm sure part of it is having good local friends and support and I have a lot less of that now, between people dying and people moving away and some people just still *isolating* because of health issues. And it's hard to be playful alone. 

I also maybe feel like I need guidance or help or opportunities - like a class (they featured an improv class, and though that might not be for me, maybe something like a pottery class?) But that's not a thing any more, not here, not in the time of COVID. 

Most of the things "grown ups" here do for play are hunting, fishing, or gambling, none of those are things I want to do. I was doing some hiking last year and that was enjoyable but maybe not fun in the playful sense, and also, doing alone....is not always the best idea, and I can't find anyone to go with me.

Making stuff....yeah, I enjoy that, but a lot of the time these days it feels like another *form* of work rather than play. 

A childless woman commented that she felt inhibited in being playful - that a woman with her children around her could be "silly," but an adult woman alone could not, because people would judge her, and yes, I feel that. But I also think I've always been a bit inhibited for simple silliness; for me that kind of activity has to feel more purposeful...

But also, I do think there can be joy in working, and, yes, fun - especially communal working, especially working on some task that maybe leaves your mind free and your mouth free. I remember as a kid helping harvest the potatoes that my parents and another family grew on their land, and it was always fun. And I think of some of the "old time" chores like quilting bees where women could talk as they worked, or I guess sing as they worked. 

And I do a lot of little things in a day - I do Duolingo still, and I've taken up Wordle, but honestly? Sometimes those things feel a little bit like homework - that they're "legume fun," they feel designed to "keep my brain alive" and I think what I need now is to keep my soul alive, and I'm not quite sure how to do that. 

There was also a reference to the French school of philosophy about play, where the thinkers contrasted what is sometimes called "Homo faber" ("the working person") vs. "Homo ludens" ("the playing person") and how this philosopher felt the great societies were built on play rather than work. (I'm not sure I agree; without people being willing to work, how do we manage to have food and shelter and the things we need to keep ourselves from short and unpleasant lives? And also, work can bring a lot of meaning to life)

I do think the state of the world though has drained a lot of playfulness out of people. And I don't know how to get it back for myself. Maybe this isn't one of those bootstraps things, that I can't do it all on my own? And that I have to wait, maybe, for things to be better, and hope that, I don't know, a Maker Space or some such opens that isn't a long drive away, and I'm able to go and do fun things? 

But yes, I am definitely suffering a deficit of fun in my life, and it's made me less creative in my work, and less good at problem-solving, and definitely less good at rolling with all the punches life throws now. And being sick more frequently (cold or flu in October, cold in November, this thing now) could be partly the result of that - I'm run down, I've carried too much heavy stuff for too long. But again, it's not something I know how to remedy.