Few more things

 * Again sort of a hard day, I think I've hit a wall, but at least I got the tech-editing that was hanging over my head done, and that makes me feel a *little* better. At some point I will have to try to finish my own manuscript and also pull out the data a student and I collected in 2018 (hope I can find the originals of it again, if not, I think I have it digested in the computer) and start planning my summer sampling.

* One thing that made me happier even though Board Meeting last night was super, super long: the head of the Bell Choir said she thought we could safely start up again late summer and I really missed that. I think it's because it was one "semi social" activity I had where I wasn't playing a major "working" role - yes, we all work at it, but it's together. It's not like me being Head Elder or a recording secretary or something where I have to DO things and people look to me for guidance on stuff. (WHYYY do people look to me for guidance? I don't know what I'm doing a solid 85% of the time! I have no wisdom!)

* I think I need retail therapy. Yes, I know that people scoff, and people talk about "needless consumption" but the point isn't necessarily BUYING things, it is being out somewhere LOOKING AT things. I'm hoping that (a) lab gets done at a decent hour this afternoon and (b) it's not pouring down rain because I do want to go to the little downtown gourmet shop, even if I don't buy anything at all. (Though I could use a new scrubby sponge for dishwashing, or something similar). 

I think perhaps part of my distress is a lack of "different places" to go - pretty much now my life is shuffling between home/office/church once a week/grocery store once a week and because of all the construction around me I've not been out of town in a while and it reminds me of how small my town is, and how few opportunities there actually are for me outside of working stuff.

(I don't think it's just me; I commented to my counselor last meeting that "in the before times I didn't even really socialize but now it's even less" and she commented "there really AREN'T a lot of options for socializing here" - like, there aren't clubs, and I bet it's worse for people who don't have a religious affiliation (or like me aren't part of a family). I have no interest in going to the casino because that would be just another "me out doing an activity alone" thing and frankly I'd rather spend my money on other stuff.)

* I think also just Tuesday - when I reviewed MANOVA to be prepared for Friday - and yesterday - when I taught all day and then had a very long evening meeting - just wiped me out. I find I have less flexibility? tolerance? something for just long go-go-go days where I'm not getting a lot of helpful input and not getting a chance to "restore," though I'm not even sure now how I would "restore" or what that would look like.

Again: I wonder if I just need some kind of a "guide" in the after-times to help me figure out how to have fun/find enjoyment in things again. I don't even know what kind of person that would be? Maybe it will be a whole new career area for people. Maybe I ask my counselor? It seems like a dumb question though: "Help, I've forgotten what 'fun' is"

*I got a notice of a "Zoom link for X's celebration-of-retirement!" and I admit, it makes me sad. No, I likely would not have gone to an in-person one for X, even in the Alternate Universe version where there was never a pandemic. But the idea of us still trying to celebrate things all online (a problem with Zoom: the loudest speaker silences all the others; natural conversation is impossible) bothers me and frankly? I'd rather just not try to celebrate stuff that way. I mean, yes, okay, for people far away that's a thing, but.....having everyone having to dial in makes me sad.

 If we are still doing things this way when I retire (eight more years if I make it the full 30), I will just say I don't want ANY recognition of retirement, the Zoom celebrations really aren't.

Some days I bleakly wonder if the pandemic will kill a lot of the small celebrations we used to have. Like I said, I really feel like I haven't celebrated a holiday in over a year at this point.

* I think another thing I need it just to go home tonight, take a shower/wash my hair, get into pajamas early, eat a simple dinner (I made okonomiyaki on Tuesday and I have half of it leftover, which means all I have to do is heat it up) and maybe FINALLY put on the Ghibli movie I was talking about watching as a way to try to cheer myself up/calm myself down. And maybe knit on the Tailfeather scarf; I sure would like to finish something that I could point to and say "I made this." 

* I have work to do (I always do) but I feel like I need to take this weekend off; I am really beat 

* I feel like I've achieved nothing this year. I probably should force myself to work this weekend. 

* I'm also still thinking about a couple recent unpleasant interactions. In some cases, I think it was a "kick the dog" situation (where I was the dog) - not really my fault, not really something I control, but I was a convenient target. The thing is, I am constitutionally not able to pass that pain along by going to the person who is the closest to being "at fault" (though the "fault" really is the pandemic and the broken system in which we work). So I wind up carrying it and....I'm having a hard time putting it down. I think part of the problem is that because I get *so few* human interactions these days, a bad one seems much worse because it might be the major interaction I have in a day. And I hate that. And yet, at the same time, I absolutely refuse to pass the pain along by going and yelling at the person who might be slightly more responsible for the bad situation. 

Where does it go? I wonder. Where does that kind of bad-feeling and anger and everything go? Am I carrying it around in me, is it going to turn into some kind of ulcer or cancer or whatever and just take me down, shorten my life? I can't get it out in any effective way so it just sits there and makes me sad. 

* I wore the big heavy Dansko clogs I bought from Zappo's for the first full-day time today. Verdict: ironically, because they are very heavy, I like them. I feel more grounded in heavy shoes and I think sometimes the problems I have with my ankle rolling (due to foot pronation) it's in softer, more flexible-soled shoes. And they make me taller. Not that that seems to help much though I also know a lot of people who wore either heels (if women) or some kind of lift in their shoe (if men) to be taller because they felt like they got respected more.