* No one recognized I was in costume today. I guess either (a) people around me are just too self-absorbed, (b) it's too similar to how I normally dress (though really, the bun and pompadour thing should have given it away), or (c) college campuses have trained people too well not to say ANYTHING that could even remotely be construed as sexual harassment, though I would hope my colleagues know I don't have a hair-trigger like that and it would take a LOT to upset me, and even then, I'd probably go "Not funny, cut it out" instead of going to HR.
* I had plans to attack the rewrite today but I just don't have the energy - mental or emotional. I suppose it will be a case of "Huh, it wasn't that bad" when I finally get to it but I just can't face it now. Maybe tomorrow first thing. I don't know. (I really wish I had a significant other who could pre-read it for me, and then either tell me, "No, it's really not that bad, just sit down and do it" or "Oh, honey, let me make you some tea and we can go over it together" but of course, I don't have that, so I will have to do it myself. And I am bad at consoling myself these days because all my consolation powers are spent on other people)
* Part of it is just feeling unhappy and frustrated with the state of the world. People are awful to each other, for one thing. I just felt this wall of resentment coming off one of my classes because they don't want to be there, they think it's too hard, etc., etc.
Part of it is the state of the state budget: they have still not come up with any productive way to meet the budget gap. They SAY agencies are funded through April, I don't know. We still don't have a supply budget. (I made a new Amazon list called "Teaching Supplies" but haven't linked it anywhere, I don't know. It's mostly little stuff I could buy for myself but I admit it rankles to spend out of pocket for things like batteries for the colorimeters and pH meters, but I also think to myself, "You kind of knew this could happen when you signed up for this," having other educators in the family)
Part of it really is a feeling of discouragement or loss-of-hope or something. I find myself thinking back 10 or more years, when there was that horrible surprise meeting over the youth group (when a couple kids left an area a terrible mess and I didn't know about it - because it was the boy's washroom) and after getting raked over the coals, someone said to me, "Well, what you are doing is impossible" (meaning: keeping a group of tweens/young teens corralled and behaving) and I kind of wanted to scream at them, "If I'm trying to do the impossible, why am I being criticized so harshly for not being perfect at it?"
And....that's kind of how I feel right now. With the research stuff (when do I make time, when I'm teaching four classes, one of which I've never done before, and that really needs the bulk of my attention, seeing as that's actually how I get paid). With the teaching, where I have students who lack the background and I can't get them up to speed. With everything. Many days feel like fitting ten pounds of potatoes into a five-pound sack, and I'm tired of it.
I feel like things have become more impossible in higher ed, with ever more responsibilities on me (I had someone ask once if I could make handouts of what I wrote on the board, so they wouldn't have to take it down! And I was like, "But I don't really....plan it in advance....") and tighter and tighter funding and changes in expectations and just the general "in the real world" belief that it's mostly not worth it any more, and I kind of feel like I'm being squeezed from all sides. Like no one thinks what I am doing is worth it, why should they pay me? And that's hard to bear up under, or at least it's hard for me to.
I also feel frustration that I feel terrible over the revise-and-resubmit, like I did something WRONG and yet that there are people out there in the wider world, earning far more money than I ever will, who do things that are demonstrably morally wrong, and yet, they do not seem to feel bad about it (well, until they get caught). It's just another way life is unfair, that someone like me who is no more terrible than any other human (and less-terrible, I dare say, than many) feels horrible over relatively minor failings....and yet there are people with major failings who seem to be able to ignore them.
But a lot of it stems from working in what feels like a "dying industry."
I wish I could just finally "snap" and stop caring and start doing it solely for the paycheck or something and stop feeling like I should be "benefitting humanity" or some silly idealistic thing, but I can't, quite.
* I don't know, though. The thought of trying to change careers at this point is terrifying and unappealing and I suspect any job I could have would have copious things I hated about it, so maybe I just keep on keepin' on and hope things get better somehow.
* I'm sure part of this is being so busy this fall; more often than I've wanted to I've managed with what food can be obtained locally instead of taking the time to drive to Sherman for better grocery shopping.(Heck, some days I've managed with what I already had in the house rather than even making a local grocery run). And that wears on me because even that little time getting out gets my head out of my work a little bit. (But believe me when I say: there is NOWHERE nearby to go that would be a fun trip. Sherman is about the closest thing. That was brought back home to me after my inadvertent trip over the Roosevelt Bridge - both the little towns I drove through had lots of closed-down businesses and no real new ones I could see).
* And it does seem lately I'm seeing more of, or perhaps I'm more susceptible to reacting to, the "I'm better than you because of x aesthetic choice I make." Like, what or how the person eats, or that they've decided to "cut the cord" and not watch television any more, or they've "consciously uncoupled" from most of their possessions, or whatever, and again, I feel so....un-special, and "basic" (in the bad sense of the word) and....I don't know. I do watch too much television and read too much "bubblegum literature" and I don't keep my house clean enough but....again, feeling like the world's crumbling around your ears, it's hard to be motivated to higher things.
*I feel slightly sad and guilty about not trying to hand out candy tonight (technically, it's trick or treat) but I know the house south of me is empty (still being worked on) and I think the people are still renovating the one across the street....and last time I handed out candy I sat for like three hours and had about five people. And I just....I'm too tired these days to give up a whole evening waiting by my door. (And I didn't buy candy anyway, and I don't keep candy on hand any more because I don't really eat it any more).
I feel sad the tradition is dying out, but I also don't like spending a lot of time (and some money) to only have a few kids come by. There's "safe trick or treat" in the dorms, and a bunch of the churches do things ("trunk or treat") and I think downtown - what few businesses remain - does something.
* I may have just tired myself out rushing around yesterday - I wrote an exam (a big one, the big scary one for one class) before my first class yesterday, and then I graded yet another exam, and I drove out to the alternate field site to check it out.
(It's okay. It's not perfect, but it's probably the best I can do. "Probably the best I can do" is kind of the theme for how life goes right now, which is deeply unsatisfying to me on many levels).
And then I went home and worked out, and practiced piano (at like 8 pm) and just felt like the whole day was rushing around trying to FIX things and I don't like that feeling.
Edited to add: going for the self-care tonight. I came home and started the prep for doing salmon loaf (boiling eggs - I make mine with a couple chopped up hard boiled eggs in it) and also mixed up a Ghirardelli cake mix (single layer dark chocolate cake - if I'm very ambitious after it comes out I might mix up the ganache-type thing they have a recipe for on the box to top it with). And I got into my pajamas as soon as I got home, and put the My Melody sockees that came in a past Doki Doki crate. And took my hair out of the bun, which was a relief - I think it was giving me a lowgrade headache, with the pins digging into my scalp.
I also have a sock (the Rosa Rubiginosa sock) nearly finished, and I want to finish it up tonight and start its mate - maybe working on a few of the ongoing projects will cheer me up, especially if I can get a thing or two done.
I also think I just need to force myself to go to bed at an earlier hour for a while. This may be the tag-end of fall allergies hitting me, or it may be that the variable weather (seriously: we are 80 F one day and 50 F the next) that is making me sort of low-grade ill. (I had terrible sinus aches last night and I think it was the cold front coming through, though at one point I was worried that it was a tooth fixing to abscess, I don't think it is now, given how much better it is).
Also these cold nights I've been breaking out the buckwheat bags heavily. I've been using them as much for the psychological comfort (something warm and vaguely the same size as a cat in bed with me) as the physiological comfort. (Someone needs to make a stuffed toy you can charge off a USB port or an electrical outlet that will heat up and stay warm for a while - kind of like an un-corded heating pad. It wouldn't have to get as hot as a heating pad because the idea it would be a cat or dog mimic for people with allergies or other issues that can't have real pets share the bed with them. I don't trust hot water bottles 100% because sometimes they leak....)
I'm also thinking about stuffed ponies again, and you know? I really want my own version of Somnambula (the Pillar of Hope - though apparently in G1 there was a Somnambula who was a villain). I'm thinking I could make a small one off the leftovers from Elinor, because the colors are similar.....maybe I make the Sleepy Scootaloo as a trial, and then, if I like that pattern, I make a little Somnambula off of it. I'd have to figure out how to do her dress/headscarf/jewelry, though.
(If I were rich - or felt more comfortable spending large amounts on something fundamentally a frivolity - I'd commission one of the plushie-makers who works in Minky to make me one. But a proper plush runs around $200, which is only fair given the amount of work. I don't have the time to do my own - I still have the fleece for Princess Pony Head sitting in my sewing room....)
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