The thin places

 Today is All Saint's Day (Halloween is actually "all hallow's eve'). This Sunday is All Saints' Sunday.

Off and on through the years my congregation has observed it. This year, we haven't had any "near" deaths (I think we lost a person who had moved away). I also didn't even think of it until midweek and....well....the minister is taking a vacation day and I'm filling in for him. I admit I half-thought of scrapping the sermon I had (on the lectionary text from Mark 12, on the Two Great Commandments) but given how busy I've been and that it was 90% written when I realized that, I decided not to.

Also, All Saints' is sometimes hard for me. This past eight years, I've lost a LOT of people, beginning with a cousin (probably my favorite cousin on that side) who had had a massive stroke. (This was the cousin whose wife came to the hospital, and even though I know it was very hard for her, and told him "if you need to go, I will be okay. If you need to go and be with your mother and father and your grandmother and Tom [his brother who died before him], I will be okay. Don't hang on for me" and not long after that he died). And it just accelerated from there - 2019 probably being the worst year. And of course 2020 was bad, for different reasons (I did lose a couple people I knew to COVID, but they weren't people I had been close-close to)

And I remember how in 2019, I unthinkingly scheduled myself to serve "at the table" on All Saint's Sunday. Perhaps a word of explanation: in the Disciples of Christ church does communion every Sunday, usually referring to it as the Lord's Supper. Traditionally we had two elders and a couple deacons at the table; the deacons then carried the elements around to the congregation (in some congregations, they invite people who can to come down to the front to take the elements out of the trays the deacons hold). The elders say prayers, or, in some congregations, one does a Scripture reading and another does a prayer.

Since the pandemic we've gone to the pre-packaged, pre-sealed cups and bread. (I jokingly referred to them as Eucharistables, but no one found that funny). It does make it simpler, no need to make sure enough deacons are available. And we went down to one elder at the table for "distancing" (And we had masks on , at least into 2022)

We've kept the one elder and the Eucharistables, we're a small congregation and it makes scheduling easier. 

So anyway, in 2019, without even THINKING, I scheduled myself at the table. This was, of course, about 10-12 weeks after I lost my dad. I was still grieving deeply, though I didn't fully realize that. 

And I got up at the table, and I started talking about "those who have gone before us....." and something just broke in me and I started crying. I really, really hate publicly displaying strong emotion and I felt bad, which made it worse. I managed somehow to get through it.

Of course people understood. Everyone's been there in a way, where you're grieving someone and you have to speak at just the wrong time and you lose your composure. I still felt unhappy about it, a bit like I had failed. Oh, I'm over it now, and I try not to schedule myself at the table for this week (which, I guess serendipitously made it easier to fill in....)

But yes, a lot of traditions remember the dead about now. (I have read that in early Christianity, it was originally done in the spring, I suppose to line up with Easter, but was moved because at least the Celtic religion at the time did Samhain in the fall). But fall "feels" right, though I'm not sure that isn't partly "well, this is when we always did it"

But certainly, the reduction in light, the early dark, in much of the Northern hemisphere*, the dying leaves and general decay, the increasing cold, it does put a person in mind of endings. And I know traditionally people feel this is a "thin place" between this world and whatever lies after.  And it is easy to feel melancholy - if you're so inclined - at this time of year, at the early dark and the long evenings to hold memories in. 

And I'm thinking of it perhaps a bit more this year than I might have; someone I knew from Ravelry and now am a mutual with on Bluesky lost their partner yesterday. Oh, it wasn't unexpected; he had been, as she said "knocking hard at the door" for a while (having some chronic illnesses) but still.....every loss really does remind you of previous losses. And I think that's something important to remember (so you can be kind to yourself if you find yourself sad) but also, I do think it's extremely important to take time and remember those who went before. Whether you are religious (and so, have your own structure for considering it, and perhaps rituals) or spiritual or not at all. Dealing with death is part of how we make sense of life. 

It's also something we all have to deal with, but also, it does seem uniquely human that we KNOW we and those around us will die. Animals may have some awareness of it, and I suspect animals are aware right before they die - I've read too many cases of people's pets who went off to some quiet, secluded place when their time came. 

I've also read some theologians hypothesize that the "original sin," the "becoming like gods" that resulted from the forbidden fruit was gaining the knowledge and understanding that we will someday die. Which is a pretty rotten bargain, I'd argue. I know in 2019, after losing my father - and losing my friend Charles Hill not long after - it really messed me up, and I spent months ruminating on the realization that literally everyone I loved would die (and leave me behind, most of them being older than I am) and that I would die to......and so, why do ANYTHING? Nothing matters, everything is ephemeral.

(And I realize now: could that be what led to the decline in my knitting and sewing and everything else? a feeling of futility?)

It is hard, though, but it's also something we all share, especially those of us who have had big and close losses: how to keep on going on with that weighing on you. I admit I still haven't quite figured it out, and mostly rely on "forgetting" about it for a while.