started something new

 I realized if I was going to continue my tradition of a handmade gift for the AAUW gift exchange in early December, I better start it now, given how little time/how slowly I knit now.

I had sort of decided on fingerless mitts, and in fact, bought a skein of on-sale "Eddie Bauer" branded yarn (not actually made by them, the name was just leased) from JoAnn's in a dark blue. It's a wool-alpaca blend and I hope it won't be too scratchy

The pattern I chose is knit flat and seamed which I don't super love, but instead of having to knit on a thumb with a gusset, you just leave a gap in the seam, which is simple. 

It's a lace pattern. They call it Shell Lace Rib, it's a pattern I don't remember ever having knit before. It's pretty straightforward once you learn it - four rows with increases in one row and then decreases in two others, so the number of stitches changes from row to row, but fortunately the rib helps you to keep on track (in between the "shells" there are columns of purl on the right side)

It's about 1/3 done, maybe a little more, there. You knit 9" worth of it. Of course I will need to make two but it seems to go fast enough.

(Tomorrow night I want to find something NOT NEWS to watch - or maybe I just go to bed early and read instead of knitting. Some of the last-minute ads here make me want to punch my tv. I will be glad that they're done)

***

other than that, not a great day. I had someone who made an appointment to "discuss" their class and it turned out to be them accusing me of being a bad teacher and not making fair exams and I really had no recourse, and because I'm a people-pleaser I couldn't bring myself to do anything more forceful than remind them that there's a required syllabus for this class and it covers a lot of material.

but it left me feeling bad and doubting myself. What if I am a bad teacher now? What if students have changed to the point where my style of teaching no longer works? 

I will say later when my soon-to-be-retiring chair stopped by with a scheduling question for next semester, and I mentioned the thing, she shrugged and said "that's why I'm retiring. I had planned to stay on some years longer but I'm so fed up with people being demanding and yet not willing to do any work in class" and kind of, yeah. I mean, yes, it's the first-years I struggle with and once they get a semester or two under their belts they kind of calm down and realize what they have to do, but it's also super demoralizing. 

And a lot of the time these days it feels like I mainly hear complaints and not when I do something well (which makes me wonder if I'm doing anything well). I also find myself soothing other people's feelings a lot and.....it's like no one cares about mine. Which would be okay, except I can't even soothe my own because I'm worn out when I get home and can't do it. 

I don't know. Maybe I have to dump 1/2-3/4 of the clutter in my house and get a cat or a dog so there's at least something that gives the illusion of loving me, I don't know.