* Had a committee meeting today. I won't give many details but we were dealing with anonymous complaints, some of which seemed rather petty to me, and I realized: perhaps a good side, if there is one, to my "not feeling heard" and often feeling as if my concerns are ignored? I'm a LOT more tolerant of other people's preferences, and more prone to feel, well, they seem to feel strongly about it and I don't.
Part of it is I dislike conflict. Part of it is I'm willing to (in aesthetic or procedural but not ethical matters) "go along to get along" and not talk much about what *I* want because then other people can get defensive.
and in a lot of cases? I genuinely don't care. Paint the office walls that color? Fine, whatever, I'm not going to argue white or eggshell, pick whatever you want, it's the same to me.
but also all the complaints and judginess get under my skin a little.
* Feeling kind of sad and wistful, missing some of the people I cared about who are now gone. Wishing I had more "new faces" in my life.
* Lots of things in the coming days that are things I have to attend but don't want to, and I feel like my time is going to be wasted, at a time when I'm already too busy.
* Saw today that I *am* getting the tiny pay bump for teaching an overload. Sadly, with the various withholdings, it works out to about an extra $150 a month. (I may see some of it back next spring as a tax refund. I don't have the energy to sit down and suss out how I could reduce withholding so that I have a net-zero bill; I increased it a while back when I had a small capital gain and was told I'd need to do quarterly estimated payments and I am not organized enough for that.
That said, I did take advantage of having a BIT more ready cash and ordered two skirts and dress from Snag; I really need a new black skirt and the green dress was cute. One of the items I bought was pre-order so I'm not sure if they'll send the in-stock stuff now or I if I need to wait.
I am very tired of some of the clothes I have worn in heavy rotation while it's been hot, and a lot of my fall/winter stuff is worn out; some pieces are more than 20 years old.
* I started reading that book on creativity last night. It's okay. It's not as inspirational as I hoped but it doesn't annoy me as much as I feared. I am not sure I believe his premise that everyone is an artist and that any making of something new (even just a from-scratch meal) is "art" because that frankly feels setting the bar too low.
The author also talks about tapping into the "Source" which I suppose one could interpret as the divine if one leaned that way but....I don't know. Maybe something's broken in me right now but it does feel a little bit precious.
As I said, I don't feel like an artist - I only ever follow existing patterns, I can't compose music or even improvise, so I'm just kind of.....doing the stuff as a hobbyist and it doesn't feel like art to me.
Maybe I'd feel differently if I was finishing more stuff? Or sharing more with other people? Or if I weren't sort of burned out right now.
Or maybe I set the bar too high for myself? I find myself being perfectionistic again, something I do when I feel bad about myself or the place I'm in - that stuff has to be perfect to "make up for the fact that it's ME doing it."
* Sometimes I regret my silly purchases but I have to say the plushie dog from Little Softs (I talked about her here; I named her Calypso after the "kindy" teacher on Bluey) is not one. I have actually been sleeping some nights with her squished up against my chest and you know? YES it does make me feel happier and I sleep better.
I mean, I have slept with a stuffed animal since I was a kid; when I was in a dorm room/apartment as a college student where people might see my sleeping area I would keep them under the pillow so I didn't have to face ridicule but - now that they seem to be being promoted as "actually this cuts down on anxiety in some people" and I realize that may have been something I subconsciously knew for years, and just did, as a sort of home remedy for my tendency to over think and be anxious and sleep badly
* I am oddly feeling a desire to read some James Baldwin, but I don't know where to start. (I am asking for recommendations, yes).
I thought I had read one of his novels but in fact what I read in high school was Native Son by Richard Wright, not "Notes of a Native Son" (Baldwin's book of essays). (I also read Wright's "Black Boy" but don't remember a lot of it).
I don't know if I want a novel or essays (I guess Baldwin only wrote the one book of essays?) but I do want to try something to see if I like his writing. I know he wrote for some of the more-literary magazines of his day, and I tend to like that kind of writing.
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