And worried today

 The reason last night's post (a finished sweater, after months and months) was not cheerier or more triumphant: I have a worry.

Well, I have MANY worries because (gestures at the state of the world) but I have my own individual ones.

The biggest one right now, is that when I Facetimed my mom last night, the lower left side of her face, including her lip, was all red and swollen, and she had a couple spots up higher on the cheek. I screamed when I saw it and I asked her what had happened. She THINKS it's an allergic reaction after working out in the garden in the heat and pollen. But I also remember her complaining last week of a sore spot INSIDE her mouth, and I'm wondering if she could have an abscess or something like cellulitis. I kept pushing for "go to the doctor, go to the doctor" and she complained about how it's hard to get an appointment with her GP (She REALLY needs to find a new doctor, but I get it, doctor shopping is hard and effortful and unpleasant). She's in her late 80s so anything that might be an infection has to be dealt with IMMEDIATELY or it can turn bad very quickly. She did say putting an ice pack on it helped with the swelling and discomfort. (It seems to have started suddenly, she said she felt a "prickling" on that side night before last, and it was like that when she woke up, and she had also had bad ear pain on that side, so I suppose she could also have gotten an insect bite without realizing it)

But anyway, I started pushing the idea of going to a minute clinic so they could at least assess it - in case she needed antibiotics or something like a corticosteroid shot. She finally agreed "well, if it's not better later on"

I went to bed, though, apprehensive, because I was afraid she'd just try to wait it out.

The other thing nagging in the back of my head was that next week is the five year anniversary of my dad's death, and while I don't *really* believe the universe works on evil patterns like that, I worry. And as I said on Bluesky: I am NOT READY to lose my mom.

I mean, I never WILL be. But I'm extra not ready right now with all the other distress in the world. 

I told her I'd call today to see how she was doing. I had originally said "late afternoon" but when I got up I was very anxious that if it were an allergic reaction it might get worse over night and affect her breathing (and had another weird thing that unsettled me in my half awake state*) so I called her a bit after 8. I didn't face time, and now I wonder if her lip was WORSE because she said "Yeah I'm going to go out to the minute clinic today to get it looked at (she had taken an antihistamine last night and that seemed not to affect it). She promised to call "around supper time" and in retrospect I should have set a time because I won't be able to relax until I hear.

(*I have a mouthguard, right? and it's a replacement for one I used to have that wore out, but I kept the worn out one in its little case in one of the cupboards under the sink in case I ever broke or lost this one. But when I got up this morning, after having exercised, I looked down on the rug and there was my mouthguard. And at first I thought it was the one I had taken out when I got up, that I clumsily didn't get it in the case and it fell, and I picked it up and rinsed it and opened the case.....and there was my mouthguard. This one had been in a closed plastic case in a cupboard. So how did it get out on the floor?

the two most PLAUSIBLE explanations:

1. When I was cleaning, I knocked some stuff over in there and it fell out and I didn't see it, because I did that AFTER I had cleaned the floors

2. Maybe I'm sleepwalking? I never did before and nothing else was disturbed or moved and why would I dig for my old mouthguard when I'm wearing the new one. And anyway I woke back up in bed and if I'm not careful how I step down on things it does cause a twinge in the knee that could be enough to wake me.

Less-plausible: there is a "critter" somewhere in the house and it opened the case and pulled the mouthguard out. That creeps me out because it would require a rat or larger (I think)_ to be able to do that, But also: nothing else was disturbed, there is no "sign" (when I had mice before I saw their droppings) and I had an open box of cookies on my dining room table and they didn't get into those)

Very non-plausible: I have a ghost and they are communicating with me this way. Okay ghost if you're there, do something else tonight, leave something in the middle of my living room floor where I can see it so I know it's you.)

Anyway, that unsettled me (because I got to thinking "what if it's a weird omen") so I called my mom early just to verify she was okay-ish

My HOPE is that either it's an allergic reaction that is on its way to going away (though it was worse than any angioedema I had with my hives)  and they were able to  give her a low dose of steroids to help it, or that it was a minor infection that one of the antibiotics she's not allergic to will treat. (It's possible the "sore" inside her mouth could have been a puncture that somehow led to an abscess, though really honestly the redness looked more like a bad reaction to a sting or an allergen to me, and she didn't report feeling feverish).

My two big worries are: this is something else (though I can't think of any cancer that would be so fast-moving as to present like that overnight) or it's an infection, but it's progressed too far to be treatable. 

So I am kind of extra a mess today even on top of all the worrisome news of the world, and the fact that I am trying to rework my environmental policy lectures to include stuff like the change in the Chevron Deference and I am both finding it all hard to comprehend, and also upsetting that I may have to constantly monitor everything to see what parts of what rules and acts have been dismantled. And also to do it would letting the pessimism I've developed leak through too much.

I'm really hoping for a call of "yeah it was an allergic reaction, they gave me a predinose dosepack and the swelling's going down" and I am fearing a "okay I am going to have to make arrangements to get up there 'cos she's in the hospital or it turns out it's something that will swiftly be terminal"