Busy day today. I texted the tree guys early on, the owner of the service texted back with a price (it's high, but not terrible, and I have money in savings) and they can be out in 2 weeks to do it. Hopefully there will be no windstorms between now and then, and after that, I should be a lot more secure in being able to avoid damage.
Also, the roof guy called back just as I was planning to talk to him. He said the carpenter he uses was in town today and he wanted him to see the damage so they could put an estimate together. So I came home at noon and met with them.
$1200, but that involves fixing the four damaged rafters, and the decking, and applying new shingles. And anyway, my insurer should pay for it. That will be the last thing, then, I think. They're due early next week. I'll be glad to get that done - I have not been parking in the garage out of fear part of a rafter (or some of the damaged lath) might come down on my car. If hail seemed pretty likely I'd reconsider but so far I've been safe.
And it's quite a thing to totally be talked over by two 70-something men. They were arguing about whether to replace the lath given it's not structural at this point (there is roof decking) and I was like "I don't care as long as you can get spacers between the rafters and the decking so the roof sits right without the damaged lath parts" and at this point I don't know for sure what they're going to do because they kept arguing back and forth about it and I just shut up because I could tell what I was saying didn't count.
Tonight is the cwf salad supper - I did my salad and then a quick workout (I'm realizing that even if it hurts when I first start, I have to do them to keep flexibility and have less pain the next day). Tomorrow night is a pastor-parish committee meeting and it's likely to be a contentious one and I am very much not looking forward to it. And if it gets too bad? I will simply excuse myself and LEAVE*
I'm hoping it will work out like the one in March where all parties were able to come to a reasonable agreement.
(* there was a horrible one with a seminary student we had filling in for like a year back in 2015 or so, where two people wound up yelling at each other and I wound up in tears, and went home wondering if I just needed to find a new church. Eventually each party separately called me up and apologized - I guess one of the strengths of not showing strong emotion publicly - I hate crying or being angry in front of people - means that when I DO, people take it seriously. So I'm saving that as a nuclear option if it's too bad and upsetting)
Wednesday night is more meetings so likely there won't be much knitting content this week
For the little while I was at work today I started reading a new book about "teaching people to do ecological research" and it's mostly aimed at grad students or those who supervise them. It's maybe not quite right for what I do, and I admit some of the stuff rubs me the wrong way a little - or maybe it's because it "convicts" me and shows me why I've not been a more successful researcher: "don't read too much background*" and "don't learn skills you won't need"** and "when you are a K-12 and undergrad student, the "currency" you earn is good grades and that all goes away when you're in grad school and publications are your new currency"*** (and by extension: doing things that don't serve the goal of publications should be avoided, and I have seen in departments of professors, people who managed to dump the administrative, high-effort teaching, and "soft" tasks off onto others and not do what I think should be their share)
* my problem with research students and undergrads doing research projects is getting them to read ENOUGH background, and to search for the right kind instead of grabbing the very first thing that pops up.
** I tend to feel as if "nothing you learn is ever wasted" and there are some skills I developed years back that I've been able to repurpose to serve new ends, and also knowing "unrelated" things (I am not a plant systematist but had enough background to develop a course in it as a fill-in before we could hire someone
*** I guess this is true but there are times where I feel like taking tests and earning grades was the thing I was best at, and I'm not nearly as good at doing research or the more competitive things that are sometimes involved with that.
I mean, okay: I've dealt with a monster amount of stress for, well, all of 2024 (injury, serving on a search committee that ultimately failed because we apparently had a candidate who looked good on paper but absolutely lied to our faces, and baldly, and I am not the only one who thinks that), and the thing with the troubled student, and getting stranded in Illinois for several days due to the derailment, and coming back to tree damage and having to talk to way more strangers than I am remotely comfortable with to get things fixed, and now having a meeting that might be unpleasant and I am TIRED. And I don't know that there are a lot of consolations I got in and among all that.
Also, driving home from dropping my latest receipt off at the insurer's, and stopping in the quilt shop to talk (and learning that the person they contracted out much of their longarm work to passed away suddenly, meaning we'll have to find new people to quilt our quilts), I got to thinking about all the things I've tried to do over the years* and how so many of them fell apart, and I thought about some quotation from (I think it was) the Connie Willis story Fire Watch, about how nothing you try to save is ever safe forever, and everything ends and sometimes you can do everything you can and it doesn't help and just.... minor existential crisis time, with big hot wet tears** and a sense of exhaustion at the world and a desire to scream at God for continually sending me stuff I can handle, but just barely, and how tired I am, and how demoralized I am.
(*once again worrying about the future of the congregation I belong to)
(** I don't have any problems with strong emotion when I'm alone; I will readily cry if I feel the need when I am alone).
And I wish I knew. I wish I knew whether all of this means it's time to somehow cut my losses and find some other town to live in and another job and to try to find a place to live, and to just DEAL with the awfulness of trying to make new friends, and then if maybe I should have done this 10 or 15 years ago, instead of holding on and telling myself "this town will grow, things will get better, new people will move in and you will make friends" but also being afraid that if I go somewhere else I will find it much the same, which means the fault's in me - bad at making friends, bad at being able to build a life...
I know i'm probably overtired, in part, and may be catastrophizing about the upcoming meeting, but things are not great right now
No comments:
Post a Comment