And that's done

 The MRI was today. It was less scary than I feared - the machines aren't as loud as I was led to believe, and they provide you with earplugs. It was mostly just very tedious.

Claustrophobia wasn't an issue because they only put me in the machine up to my chest, and the ventilation system was such that there was a breeze aimed at my face, which helped a lot in keeping me from feeling claustrophobic.

It was mostly just really boring to lie there - I think she did six, seven-minute runs of the machine? - and having to be absolutely still. At one point my left leg started cramping up because it was in a slightly awkward position but I was able to adjust it during a break between runs and then it was okay.

At some points my leg felt slightly warm; I don't know if that was from the magnetic field or from all the sheathing stuff they had around the leg they were imaging. 

Also, like so much medical stuff, it was hurry up and wait: show up to admitting, wait a bit, fill out another round of paperwork with the intake person, get one of those papery bracelet things put on, get asked several times which leg was being imaged (I suppose that's a liability thing, they want to be sure it's the correct one). Then go down to the MRI lab, fill out more paperwork (including any and all conditions that might affect the safety of having an MRI; fortunately I have no internally implanted devices and I don't even have any piercings. And I had left my watch and ring at home). They do have a big sign warning that cell phones interfere with the radiologic equipment, so I turned mine fully off. (Normally I leave it on all the time and just, for example, silence it when I'm in church).

Irritatingly, there was no clock in the waiting room - and since I had my phone off and my watch was at home, I had no way of knowing the time (there were a couple forms you had to date AND time, I just guessed based on when my appointment was scheduled for and when I had gotten there. 

Then handed in the forms. Then waited what seemed like a very long time. I had brought my Moon book and read some on that (here's one place where having a book, even if it makes you seem like a throwback, is good! If you have to turn off electronic devices a good old paper book will allow you to pass the time).

For most of the time I was the only one in the waiting room. There was a woman with her teenaged daughter, who they told to come back later (apparently they showed up way early for her appointment). Then a couple came in and kind of argued, which just made me a little tenser sitting there. 

Finally I got called back. Was told to strip down to my underwear and was given a robe (my tech was an older woman - well, maybe "older" in the sense of being my age, actually - so I wouldn't have minded just getting in in my underpants and sports bra - but it was cold in there so I was glad for the robe). Glasses off, no jewelry to remove. 

I asked her about the remnants of glitter nail polish on my toes I couldn't get off, and she kind of chuckled and said that would be no problem, and added, "You'd be surprised to learn how many people come in here with jewelry in various piercings, and don't bother to tell us" and I presume she didn't mean "ears" or even "nose" because those you could see as you were checking the person in.  The problem, as I understand it, is the magnets in the MRI can make metallic things heat up unpleasantly and I can imagine certain "hidden" spots you could have piercings where that would very quickly become bad. 

She got me in position and put a thing around my right leg (I don't know if it was to concentrate the beams or what) and had me try to shift my left one into a comfortable-enough position but as I said, I had been tensing up and wound up cramping up a little. 

She also handed me a bulb kind of like the old-fashioned squeeze bulb pipetter bulbs and said to squeeze it if I was uncomfortable or was starting to panic (I didn't have to).

And then I just laid there. Like I said, it seemed really long. She kept telling me how many more round there were and there was a timer I could see right over my head so I could see it count down to zero, which helped. I concentrated on staying very still because I knew if I didn't stay still, she'd have to do more runs and it would take longer. I could feel a few pings of pain in my bad leg while it was running; I don't know if that was from the magnetic field or if it was just the position I was in. 

Finally I was done, she came out and helped me get out.

And then the worst thing which is maybe "worst" only because of how my brain works: "How did you do this, again?" and I started to explain, and she said "and then you felt a pop?" and I said "I guess" and she said "Well, it looks like it was painful" and that activated all my panic circuits: oh no, she saw something terrible on there, and I'm gonna hear on Tuesday I have to have an operation, maybe even a knee replacement, which is the thing that basically stole my dad's last years by making him unable to do much. A couple friends on social media, and my mom over the phone, have mostly talked me down from that - she was probably just making conversation, she's probably not trained in reading the images the way the orthopedist is, you wouldn't be getting as much better as you are if something were really wrong (and yes, this morning, I thought "this actually is starting to feel like the pain and arthritis I feel when I can't exercise for a while, rather than actual painful injury" and I have been able to walk better and for longer. And I doubt the doctor would have cleared me to take stairs if he suspected something that could be damaged further?) I know he did say from just an external examination/palpation of the knee that he didn't think ligaments were badly damaged.

I mean, I suppose I could still have a blown meniscus, but I dont' know if they do surgery on that for someone in her 50s who's not really an athlete and would be willing to do PT until the cows came home if it meant avoiding surgery. 

But I'm gonna have to try not to think of it this weekend. I did go back to my building and pick up and put away the systematic botany lab (a LOT of specimens, and a lot of carrying big awkward boxes - hard to do and navigate with a cane) and I was tired at that point and hurting and so of course the "oh no, I really do need surgery" fears came to the surface, and I had to kind of drag myself home. Oh, I could still WALK but it was uncomfortable. 

After sitting and putting some heat on it and taking Tylenol, it's better, and to the point where if I work at it I can walk normally (picking my leg up as much as I would if it weren't injured) so maybe I AM okay, and it's just I tire more quickly from this injury than I expect. I don't know. 

I'm just worn out from hurting though, and not being able to do everything I want to. I'm hoping I get a good report on Tuesday; if I do I will go to Denison next weekend to do birthday things. If I DON'T get a good report, I don't know. I can't quite imagine him going at this point "oh no you need surgery IMMEDIATELY" and I would hope that there would be less-extreme therapies that could be tried first. 

I wish I had never stupidly injured that leg; this has eaten a whole month of my life and also I don't even KNOW if I'll be able to do the field labs with my students this spring, and how I figure out replacement labs if I can't. And for that matter, what if I can't do fieldwork in the summer? I'll either have to figure out a totally different way to do research, or else take the dings and possible loss of tenure (shortly before retirement!) that doing no research would bring. 

But I'm going to try not to worry about it this weekend :(