Some minor disappointments

 * I ran out at noon and got the tiny bottles of water for the AAUW meeting we were to have tonight. It was restock day (UGH) at the small local supermarket so they were low on some things, and in other cases there were boxes in front of the shelves and it was hard to get stuff, so I have to do a Saturday shop, too, I guess

* I don't want to go to Sherman because it's OU/Texas weekend and traffic is going to be bad. If I knew how to time it to leave before everyone left for the game, I would, but I suspect even 8:30 am is going to have people heading out to tailgate. (And I'd have to come home before the game ended, to avoid northbound traffic)

* But also: AAUW meeting didn't happen. There's a stomach bug making the rounds (I had like 6 or 7 students out with it this week) and a lot of the women had it, and there were so few of us going that the president opted to cancel. So I now have 24 little bottles of water. I don't know whether to save it for emergencies at home, or (as was going to be my plan with any leftovers) offer it to the library - they allow homeless people to hang out (especially late in the day) in a common area, and they also sometimes give out simple snack-type food and bottled water to people in need. (Of course that's an extra trip for me if I do it, and I'd have to call first to see if they even wanted it)

 * I was then hoping MAYBE we'd get a re-run of Ghosts or So Help me Todd on tv tonight (tv has STUNK ON ICE for the past few weeks: I do not like Big Brother, I do not like nighttime Price is Right, I do not like Survivor) but nope, no dice. Beginning to think I go through the effort of dropping cable which means, given where I live, NO tv at all, but it's a lot of money in a  month for just......nothing worth watching. (I MIGHT be able to get PBS with a good antenna, I don't know, but that might be it)

* I didn't get the grading done OR the research done today. I got some of each done but not as much as I'd like, and not enough to be able to take off Friday afternoon (and I may have to come in on Saturday for a bit).

*The biggest upset though is yet another instance of enpoopification: Doki Doki crate, which I subscribed to for YEARS (a monthly box of "cute things" - including stationery items, small plushies, and the like - from Japan) has been bought out by another company. And they're ending the Doki Doki crate, and replacing it with a box of Japanese snacks.

Well, I sent them an e-mail: This does not work for me. I have MANY food sensitivities and am a picky eater. Also, I cannot read Japanese so I won't know what's safe to eat.

And I got an e-mail back implying that possibly the first food crate's been sent, no refund for it, too bad so sad. And I don't even know if they'll refund the balance of my subscription. 

But the biggest thing? This was something I looked forward to every month. It was my one frivolous expense during the 2016 budget cuts, it helped me get through the isolation of the pandemic (something to look forward to). And now......I don't have that any more. One less thing to look forward to (in a life - my life - that currently seems to have precious little to).

And I don't know that there's anything to replace it with. I tried something from Cratejoy a while back when I had a bit more ready cash and was afraid I'd have to cancel Doki Doki, and it didn't quite work for me. 

It just makes me sad. Because one thing I need in my life is the illusion of being taken care of, at times, without me directly having to do all the labor relating to it. It's like why I like to, once or twice a month, pick up food from a restaurant here on my way home - a night when someone else cooks for me (normally, I have to cook for myself, or else just eat.....what ever I dig out of the fridge when I don't feel worth the effort of cooking, which is often these days). 

And now I've lost that, and I can't think of anything to replace it with. And this is  my life: I keep losing things and have nothing to substitute for them. I mean, I guess I get that money "back" now and I guess I apply it to my stupid cable bill or something? But honestly, I am tired of my life getting smaller and smaller, the fun and the happiness shrinking down to almost nothing some weeks. And I don't know how to fix it! (I'd consider a yarn subscription box, but they are mostly out of my budget, and I frankly have too much yarn already). 

And really what it is that I need: the feeling of being taken care of without EXPLICITLY having to go to a store or order a specific thing or make myself the food or whatever. And I don't know how to make that work, not here in my town - for the carry out food from restaurants I have to drive to the place and get it; the only delivery is one or two pizza places, and the order they require is bigger than what I would want anyway.

So I don't know. I work hard but some days it feels like there's very little consolation in this life.

I mean, this is partly me being reactive (I don't like change, especially change I didn't choose) but yes, I have to find SOMETHING to replace this as a "once a month you get some small nice surprise in the mail"