And it's Friday

 And I'm inexplicably low-level sad.

I am probably simply over tired - it took me literal hours to fall asleep last night for some reason, and before that I got thinking about a couple of the people I cared about and lost (including someone who, upon finding out I was going to learn to play piano, said "I hope some day to hear you play" but that never got to happen, and I feel sad about that now)

* In a bit (like, three quarters of an hour at a minimum), I need to give a tour to some prospective students. I am literally the only person in my subdivision available: one has a class out on a weekend field trip, one is at a meeting, the third is in a field (and the fourth, we still haven't hired the retirement replacement)

* the Doki Doki crate that came the other day was an exact copy of one I received last year. I assume the company was clearing out their warehouse but it's annoying to pay for something and then get duplicates - there's a swimsuit back (I don't swim) and a little plastic bottle and a plastic hand-fan, and an octopus hair clip and a Pokemon towel. 

 And I found out today a November crate is shipping to me (I presume that closes my subscription; I cancelled). I hope it's not  ANOTHER duplicate crate but I suspect it will be that OR a crate of 'snacks' that the new company is doing and I feel cheated that I paid for a thing that I can't use. I know I am extremely more invested in this than I should be but my life is so small now that these things do loom large.

 and no, I have not found a replacement "small nice surprise once a month or so" thing and maybe I just won't? 

* I did not get as far on the cowl last night as I wanted. I had hoped to start the cabled section so I could see "will this work as proctoring knitting or are there too many chances for error" but I got home late and kind of spend some time being Big Mad about a couple things and could not work productively

* I also want to do some selfish knitting, like socks, but this cowl absolutely needs to take priority because it's a gift. 

* It's hot again and my allergies have flared back up and my skin is kind of angry (itchy, and I got a rash behind one ear)

* I remembered Rhinebeck was this weekend, and one of the Zoom knitting regulars mentioned she was going to a fiber fest in her area.....and the BPAFF here only lasted a couple years and then folded, and I realized I will probably never get to go to a fiber festival again, and that makes me sad. So many things I never get to do because (a) I don't have the money/logistical ability to travel far, (b) I work, like, all the time, and (c) almost no one in this region has the same interests as I do.

Oh, I 'd probably be freaked out over the crowds at Rhinebeck (I am even worse in crowds now than before the pandemic) and I'd probably feel like everything was too much money, but.........it would just be nice to be somewhere with people who understood my interests. 

* Again, just the state of the world; my general realization that the "leaders" of the world are no better than and very possibly worse than I am (and no brighter than, and possibly less wise) and...it's a very cast-adrift feeling to realize that no one really has it together

* Running out of cooking/food ideas. Why do bodies have to be fed? I just want the nutrients and energy to keep going without having to always shop and cook and then wash up afterwards. I did buy a package of chicken thighs at the store at noon to cook tonight but I still.....and especially with the "OMG processed food is really bad for you" news and wanting to do more of my own cooking. It's kind of exhausting and for a single person it feels very unprofitable to cook for yourself, it's a lot of effort for just one person. (And the freezer is where food goes to be forgotten, so don't suggest making bit batches and freezing, that doesn't work for me)

* Just generally feeling kind of lonesome and sad in the sense of realizing I don't have any really really close friends nearby and very little family left at all (from hearing students talk about all their family plans in the coming months). And no one who "like-likes" me - the perfume ads for the holiday are starting up (the dumb little romance movies they are) and it reminds me that (a) I am terminally weird for going it alone in life and (b) ideally life is easier if someone else is there. And I don't have someone else there. 

* I'm still upset about maybe having lost that paperwork but I cannot imagine where it could be if I still have it; I have gone through every place I have stuff stored like that. And of course I still feel like a failure over that and I am tired of feeling like a failure so much.

I still plan to go to Denison/Sherman tomorrow. I have a route out of town (there's a large "fun run" where many, many of the streets are being blocked off but it looks as if I can get out to Main Street and from there to 75, so it's good). Part of it is that being out shopping is a distraction for me; I sit at home and ruminate altogether too much these days.