Time changes things

 I had to run out to Mart of Wal this afternoon, and on the way I put Sirius XM "Symphony Hall" on. At first they were playing the Beatles' "Penny Lane" and I admit I was irritated at first - in the past they have unpredictably changed what the stations are and I thought "if they turned Symphony into an all-Beatles channel, removing the last over-the-car-radio classical station, I am CANCELLING my subscription and telling them why"

But as it turns out, it was some program on classical themes in the Beatles - the usual afternoon host was there, and I realized they were talking about the classical influences on the songs. So I calmed down

Well, until someone ran a stop sign - I was going to turn at a four way stop, I waited for all the stacked up cars to clear and then, just as I was going to turn, the car BEHIND the car that had been the last one to go before my turn decided they were more important,, and ran through, requiring me to stomp my brakes.

People are driving worse. Just like people seem to be getting either more selfish or crueler (I can't quite tell). 

And then the radio played "All You Need is Love" as the next song in the program. And I listened to it for a few moments, and thought sadly about how I LOVED that song when I was like 20, how it seemed to suggest an image of a better world (if not exactly a very well defined one). But now, I snorted to myself: "Sure, if you're as rich as The Beatles were at that point, all you WOULD need is love, folks like me need a lot more just to make it through the world" (Like: money. Love is great but if you can't afford shelter or food, well, you've got a problem)

And then I was sad: "When," I asked myself, "did you become such a cynic?"

And I reflected on that the rest of the drive. I mean, there are potential answers. The most cynical one being: I grew up and learned how the world works. The saddest: I probably don't have enough love in my life and that's why I can't appreciate the idea of others feeling it is all they need. And then I was reminded of an ad - it may have even been for wal-mart - during the pandemic, showing a family getting groceries delivered. The theme song? "You're All I Need to Get By," which I remember HATING then because it gave me the sense that the nuclear families had all clamped down and the people trying to make it through solo were just....screwed, and we'd be alone and lonesome forever. (And there may be a bit of truth to that, actually).

But yeah. Love is important but pace John and Paul, I don't think it's ALL you need in this world. Oh, maybe Jesus' Disciples could've managed it, maybe in a higher trust society than ours we could.....but there's a lot more you need to make it here and now.

So I got my stuff from the mart of wal (well, most of it: they were out of a couple things) and paid and scrammed.

And going home? People were driving badly - several of the intersections on the connecting roads were blocked by a train just south of the main street I was on, and a lot of people were annoyedly pulling U-turns and then roaring back out into the main road.

And at one of the lights - I hit every red on the way home - when it did turn so I could pull through, someone turned RIGHT in front of me (making a left turn from the westbound lane into the south street; I was going east) and made me slam on my brakes again. (And they wound up on a blocked side street and I THINK they could have seen that, so.....why bother taking the risk? I swear some people think they "win" when they cheat another driver out of their turn)

By this point I had a headache (the walmart is very loud; the deli section has some kind of screeching alarm - I don't know if it's for the fried chicken they sell or what but some times of the day it's just hard to shop in produce, which is right near it). And I had seen several very rude bumper stickers, including one advocating violence (vigilante style justice) and I just got home and sat in my car in the drive for a while and thought: why do I even want to be around people? It's a curse, I get lonely, but there are so many people who are just rude and who probably would be cruel given the chance. And it just makes me sad.

And again, I'm having the feelings of: no matter what I try to do, no matter how I try to help, there's nothing I can do to make anything better.

I did get up and put my groceries away. In a happier better world something would have then happened to make me realize I can make a difference, but of course, this it the world we live in, so I didn't.

But I made some frybread for the leftover chili I had, and in a minute I'll do a bit of sewing (trying to get the binding on a quilt) and I guess tomorrow I can try again...