Looking for comfort

 Today was just hard. I didn't sleep well last night for thinking about the thing that happened, and I woke up with my arthritic hip bothering me - it's been very humid and stormy, and also the pollen has been terrible (I am not sure but it seems to me that when my allergies are bad, any inflammatory process I have going on seems worse). 

I thought hard about what to do about The Thing. The person in question DOES know the pastor at my church, and the more I thought about it and sought some kind of inner light* on what to do, the more I realized I HAVE to tell someone. Oh, he might already know, he might be well aware of this person's problems and I might be one of the last they told, but still - having him know about it, and my knowing he knows, will help me feel at ease. Board meeting is tomorrow night so I will see him then.

(*People around here talk about praying over things to get some discernment; I've never gotten anything like a verbal answer that way. For me, it feels more like what the Quakers talk about with "inner light" where you know what your conscience is guiding you to)

I also called my mom to talk to her about it. She has a relative - I know this person far less well than she does; she sort of grew up with them - who has schizophrenia and has periodically gone off their medications and had delusions of things like people trying to steal from them. And my mother agreed, it sounded like delusions, it sounded like something I am not equipped to help with but absolutely telling the minister is the right thing because he almost certainly knows resources he can guide the person to. Now, whether the person rejects that or not, or whether they even figure out I "squealed" and gets angry with me (which, okay, I can deal with that I guess) is out of my hands, but I do think they need help.

It's just....it's gonna be another hard Triduum this year, I guess. Though maybe it's never supposed to be easy?

I didn't get a lot done today - taught my two classes, came home, at lunch, kind of sat around for a while (made the mistake of turning on the news for a bit and learning the latest horror in the world), then realized I had to go out to the Walgreen's as I was almost out of Claritin, and I wanted to start taking a B complex again. I had quit, because I figured maybe I didn't need it, but I'm starting to get the little corner-of-the-lips cracking again that a doctor once told me said could be treated with increasing B6 intake (and it seems to work? Though I figured I got enough B vitamins already but maybe I don't absorb them as well as some people?). So I went back over to campus and did some little "housekeeping" things (posting the last bits of material on the LMS for the end of the semester, writing a couple of exam review sheets and posting them, doing some paperwork my chair needs for program review) and then ran to the walgreens. Got what I needed, but....as I was going out (there is no clear in or out door, it's just one door) someone came barrelling up to the door from the outside, I know they saw me practically at the door, but they just kept COMING and I had to step aside (pressed hard against the newspaper rack) because they COULDN'T wait a moment to let me go out.

And that kind of thing makes me so tired. It seems sometimes I am always the one to yield, always the one to step aside and let others push through even if I have the right of way, always the one to squash my feelings or opinions into a tiny hard ball and stuff it deep down inside. And it does make me tired and sad. I mean, with stuff like people pushing past me? I am NOT a small woman! I'm like 5' 7" and 200 pounds, I'm BIG and I take up space but sometimes it's like people don't even SEE me. And I don't know. I'm not good, and it seems generally undesirable to me, to be pushy, but sometimes....sometimes I just wish people noticed me a little more and gave me some space and didn't just assume I'll yield to them. 

But anyway. I finally got home for the evening and washed my hair and ate some dinner and then I decided I wanted some comfort knitting, so I got out one of the big yarn cakes I bought this weekend and started the simple corner-to-corner knitted blanket.

I didn't get all that far because it was already 8 pm when I started, but

Not even close to the first color change point and I always forget how big and blocky the color sections on these come out (though the stripes will diminish in width as the blanket gets larger). This does take a while because garter stitch is denser than stockinette so it takes longer to get any length on something, even if it's easier never having to purl (and also: garter stitch doesn't curl up like stockinette does; if I were doing this stockinette I'd have to do a border in garter so it didn't curl, and also, it wouldn't be reversible.)

But anyway - as I complained, maybe back in 2020? adulthood is more or less saying "well, maybe NEXT week will be better" until you die. But maybe next week WILL be better? (At any rate: I have Good Friday off and I plan to TAKE it off, and maybe on Saturday figure out some nice meal to make for Easter dinner...)