waiting on the plumber. They were supposed to arrive at 12:30, though the window I was given was "12:30 to 2 pm." I know they had another job and are coming back into town BUT I would hope they'd call if they're going to be much later (it's 1:30 now).
I'm tired and sad and just fed up with everything. Today was hard again - broadcasting my one class was hard because the room I was in was not set up well and the computer didn't have the Zoom application on it so I had to go through the website and it was different enough to throw me off my game and also I looked like an idiot because I couldn't get it working and it feels like every time I feel like an idiot at something - and look like an idiot to other people - it's a punishment and you know what, universe? I get it. I'm stupid and I lack value as a person. Please stop beating up on me.
I don't know who to call if the plumber never shows - Lowe's outsourced this through some system called Handy which apparently employs an outfit here called Quality Plumbers and I wonder if all the layers of apps is so each organization can claim they were not the ones to drop the ball if something goes wrong. I don't want to have to complain to all three, but....I really don't know.
Everything is so hard and so tired and I feel like the whole world hates me and that's why I can't get anything to work out for me.
I'm so tired of trying to do this all alone. I feel like no one cares and none of the people with responsibility to help want to take it.
Also I have another opossum in the pipe chase. I found that out last night because I heard a noise and I was like "uh uh, if this is rats, I am spraying the area with the repellant" and I also pounded on the wall to scare whatever it was - and the cover of the access point fell open, and there sat an opossum, with a dumb look on its face and then it made a move like "oh hey warm closet can I come in" and I slammed that access door back up SO FAST and blocked it so it would stay shut. So I have to borrow a live trap (I guess it's good I still have the extra can of cat food) and if I catch it I guess I drive it out to the field site and let it go.
I just wish I had someone to take over the responsibility of doing all the logistics of this, and the calling-of-people-when-they-don't-show-up. I'd pay a lot of money for someone to be my "muscle" in this and to line up workers and also yell at them if they don't show up. But I have no one, no one is apparently willing to do that job even for money. And it's a horrible and isolating feeling, like no one cares.
Also I know at least three vaccinated-and-boostered people with breakthrough infections and while they're not BADLY sick they are still sick, and God only knows what the long term effects of having had COVID might be and so I also worry about myself and my own safety - and my mother's safety, even though she is careful. And there's also literally nothing fun or fulfilling I can think of to do that's safe, and I don't know WHEN anything will be safe. It's like being in purgatory (at the very least) but there's no date of escape and there's no one who can pray you out of it either.
Honestly my university should have just gone all online - or I should have decided to even though I find teaching all online incredibly isolating and terrible; the wheels are well and fully off now and it's day 2 of the semester and....I really don't know how much longer I can hold out; I've done the "maybe in six weeks things will be better" thing so many times that I now no longer believe in the possibility of things being better at any point.
and still no plumber, at 20 minutes of 2. I hate all this so much. I guess I start assembling boxes and boxing up books or something so at least I don't waste the afternoon
****
Still nothing, as of 4:15 pm. I called them a bit after two (called the plumber, I messaged Handy and they are useless as an app, they just want your money) and asked if the guy could still come and said I did have an errand I had to run (nearly forgot to send in my water payment, and it would not get to the office in three days - thanks Louis DeJoy - so I had to run it down there. It's literally three blocks from me). Anyway, the head honcho said "oh they got busy, we'll have to reschedule, can we come tomorrow" and I was like "NO." and I explained I worked full time, and I lived alone, and I was literally the only person who could sit at my house waiting on them. And I started to cry because I am SO tired and SO frustrated and SO sick of literally everything in this work being broken
and the guy kind of exhaled and said "Well, they're in (next town over), they have two jobs, they might be about 2 hours?" and I said "I can run my one errand and then be here" and explained I was also boxing stuff up to prepare for MORE renovations (I had really wanted to run a load over to the storage unit but I guess that's not happening this afternoon now). And he promised to send them on but....
I guess they're not coming. I have absolutely no recourse. It's a terrible helpless feeling and I do feel very much like I do not matter.
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