just some thoughts

 * I wonder if I actually had a very light case of the flu (I got my vaccine about a month ago) and not a cold; I had muscle aches which are rare with a cold, and I'm still more tired and wiped-out than I feel like I should be with a cold.  And I am kind of having that mild post-viral depression I sometimes get - nothing is TERRIBLE but things also aren't as good as they could be.

* I also just hit a wall with....all the teaching stuff....today. Like, my thing now in class, the thing that has been a thing since last fall, is walk into class five minutes early. Plug in the little USB camera/microphone I must carry with me because there are no ones set up in the classrooms. Sign in to the computer. Open the web browser. Open the campus webpage. Log in to Zoom. Click on the "open the meeting" and click to join with audio. Then wait for people to request to join (I set up a waiting room to make it easier to keep track of who was "present" but also to avoid interlopers). Then open the powerpoints from the class BlackBoard page. Then make Zoom "talk to" the PowerPoint file, and finally, turn the projector on for anyone present in class.

And you know? It gets tiring and demoralizing and I just....sort of wanted to cry as I did it for my third class this morning. How much longer? Is this just how I'm going to have to do it forever now? And why hasn't ANYONE gone to ANY effort to streamline this for us? Sometimes it feels like no one cares about the extra effort we're going to, it's all invisible, and no one sees that we're tired and close to the quitting point.

 

(And oh crap, did I remember to take my camera BACK with me after my last class? It's easy to forget it and while I don't think anyone would steal it, it's still another thing to remember to retrieve tomorrow morning)

* I *guess* I could get a booster in my state now? They're saying all 18+ year old Oklahomans are now eligible? Though my colleague who went last week said that Walgreens only has Moderna and given that I know several people who lost a day or two to strong side effects after that, I would *really* rather get Pfizer, so I don't know? Maybe I wait a bit and see?

I would like to have the booster before holiday travel though. (My brother has been, unfortunately, persuaded by a doctor not to vaccinate his child. I hope he changes his mind. So all I can do is protect myself from bringing it to her. My mom will be boostered, too. And no, refusing to go isn't an option; if it was just his family I might consider it, but....)

* That said, I'm going to have to watch what happens with "Delta Plus" to decide if I do unmask for spring semester. Apparently this is ANOTHER more-transmissible mutant that's taking over, and I can't tell from what I've read if it's any better at causing breakthrough infections than Delta is....but yeah, I guess maybe I just have to give up on hope? And figure that restaurant meals will be vanishingly rare if ever, and that I have to go about in a mask most places? I still can't believe COVID is going to be forever but I guess it is? I guess this is just our life now?

* I skimmed the linked article here, and I'm not really into the political/economic fighting (And no, I do NOT want to be nudged to go live in a "dorm" to hand my house over to a family, thank you, and I don't think that's me being a "dirty NIMBY" just because I don't want a bunch of roommates to have to negotiate with), but what really struck me were what a couple of the commenters said because I've felt it myself - the one person who lamented "there's nobody else to make tea, and nobody else to make tea for. It's just me. Almost all the time." and I feel that in my soul. That little bit of being able to serve another person - and in return, sometimes get served yourself, is so important and it is sad-making to not have it. Part of the reason I ate the occasional restaurant meal in the before-times was to be able to PAY someone to do that for me. 

Another person noted that when they had a friend visiting, and they and their friend went to a coffee shop, and "he just hopped up and bussed our table. No big deal to him, but I was genuinely blown away that a chore got done and I didn’t have to do it. It sounds stupid as hell writing it out now, but at the time I nearly burst into tears with how much not having to take care of absolutely everything all alone meant in that moment."

And yes, that too.

Other people noted the difficulties of solo cooking. And I admit, I don't cook every day. Sometimes I'll make a big batch of something that keeps over well on the weekend, and just eat it the rest of the week. Or I'll cook one night and the other nights, "pick" - make a sandwich, or just heat up some vegetables and have a little cheese, something like that. I probably also use convenience foods more than is strictly healthful, but sometimes it's easier to be able to open up a can or have everything you need in a box.

But also, yeah - there are some foods I rarely get because it's too much for one person. At least as of now Pruett's is okay about packaging meat in small enough packages I can use it. But some vegetables and fruits - it's a lot for one person to consume. And no, I don't want to do the "find someone to split with" thing because that's another whole darn job and I don't NEED another job.

The big worry for me though, is medical stuff - what do you do when you don't have family who would be willing to look after you for a day after a minor outpatient surgery? Or what if you can't draft someone to drive you to and from a procedure? I admit I HATE asking people - partly because I don't like people seeing me at less than my best (in pain, or coming out of anesthetic) and also most of my friends here have their OWN obligations and I feel bad pulling them away from family (Though it looks like visiting nurses might be possible, and maybe that's what I have to do when it comes to that).

But one thing that really hit me hard during  the pandemic is how isolated I can become - another commenter noted (I think they said they were disabled/chronically ill) how ALONE they were during the pandemic (but apparently had a brother-in-law that they could meet up with? I had NO ONE) and that was really literally the worst part of it for me; there were weeks in the summer when the only person I spoke with for more than a minute or two was my mom on the phone. And that wasn't even really face to face. (And that's why I feel a sinking dread when I hear about "new variants," I am not sure I can survive another intense isolation period like March through October or so 2020. And if it comes to that? I might just say "hell with it, 52 years is a good run, I'll just take care not to infect anyone" and go out and do things and if I get sick and die? I get sick and die and 52 years was a good run and it's a damn sight better than mouldering in my house for another 15 years not seeing anyone or doing anything. I don't know.)

And the "just couple up" is utterly unhelpful; it's like telling someone who's overweight and has cut back on literally everything "just eat less" or "have you tried not buying coffee drinks" to someone who is unemployed and struggling. If coupling up were easy, more of us would be doing it.

* Had another one of those "driving at night and I can't see anything and can't get my headlights to work" dreams where I worried about driving over a curb or off the road or whatever. I think those are dreams when I'm concerned about the future and what it might hold, because I *literally* can't see the way ahead. (I do flip between hope - just the other day I was thinking "after you get the booster, then you can unmask in class" and despair "well, no, probably not, not with this new variant coming" and I don't know what to do. I'm tired of guidance being so hard to find.)

* But yeah. I NEED to get back to exercising but I just could NOT this morning, I was so tired when I got up and STILL so tired as the day wore on. I hate this tiredness. It's gotten worse since the cold or flu or whatever so I assume that's it, but...it needs to be done. I reached a point this afternoon about 3 pm where I still had work but I just couldn't any longer. I pushed through and got the grading done and got the assessment report nearly done (but will have to check it over in the morning as I make stupid errors when I'm tired and inattentive) but....I just need to get back some energy. 

* The weather is also not helping: high pollen levels, and it's been unnaturally hot and humid for this time of year. We're supposed to get rain and cooler weather next week but right now it's really not good.