Three things. One is very serious, one is probably me getting my feelings hurt for no real reason, the other is something that's solvable with an application of money and perhaps waiting for the item I want to become available.
1. The thing that money might fix: My printer is not working. It is giving me a B200 error (it is a Canon Pixma M922). The Internet tells me this suggests a clogged print head, and either I can buy a whole new printer, find someone to clean the print head, or do it myself.
I have a message in to one of the computer tech places here to see if they are willing to try cleaning a print head. I don't quite feel equal to it myself. Of course this means if I want any patterns I have in the computer but not physical copies of for working on on my trip, I will have to stealthily print them out over at school. I have NO IDEA what the rules are on personal printing, I assume we're not supposed to, but then again - I have bought many supplies out of my own pocket, I've worked more hours per week than I'm officially paid for per my contract, and I KNOW at least one person printed out part of a book they were writing "off the clock" on the campus printer, so.
Other option: just use patterns I already have paper copies of. Or haul books along with me (because I can't photocopy on my home printer/copier: jammed print heads)
2. The perhaps me-just-being-me-and-being-hurt-over-stuff thing: someone I know, that I thought was a friend of mine, apparently moved away without telling me or saying goodbye. I found that out second hand. I'm hurt, but also: I just realize how little I matter to a lot of people I thought I mattered to. I realize again - this is one of the worst and hardest lessons of 2020 - how very, very alone I am. I don't know how to get people to care about me, I guess I'm not that sort of person? Most of my relationships wind up feeling a bit asymmetrical.
I really don't have anyone in this area that cares that much for me, I think. I am terrified of getting badly enough injured or winding up in the hospital and needing help, because I fear none would be forthcoming.
3. The worst thing, though: a friend of mine from church, someone who remarried last year after being a widow for a long time (I remember it, it was one of the ONLY things I did in 2020, and one of the only happy things)....her husband has cancer.
I want to break things.
They may not even get a full year together if the worst happens. This is so unfair, I'm so angry about this. They deserved a BUNCH of years together, and years in good health.
It's literally one of those "the only thing you can do is pray" situations, i guess. It's not clear yet how advanced it is, I hope the answer is "not very" and they can beat it. But like I said: I'm angry and sad about it.
All the losses of the past 2+ years have just made me wonder: is it even worth caring about other people? Because either it won't be reciprocated, or else something like THIS will happen.
I just.....today was not a good day.
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