Two small epiphanies

 1. Sometimes losing someone - doesn't matter how close the connection they have with you but if they're someone who is very "obvious" in your life - feels like structural failure on an airplane. I had a rather vivid mental image of those horrific mid-air accidents where there is failure and depressurization on the plane and everything gets sucked out the hole - including unlucky people.\

My friend D. passed away a half-hour ago. I just found out as I was typing this

I'm mad at the world again, and would like to return BOTH 2020 and 2021 for a full refund plus damages.

(surely things HAVE to get better at some point?)

2. I was thinking about my perfectionistic tendencies and something my counselor challenged me with - basically, "Why hold other people to lower standards than you hold yourself, do you think you are better than them?" and really no, I think it's that my emotional sense things I'm *worse* and so I have to *do better* in order to compensate. 

I read somewhere someone commenting about "I have to be better, to make up for it, to make up for the fact that I'm me" and that's not exactly it but close

I realized it today while setting up lab: I have to do things "perfectly" because then people don't have the "right" to criticize me. I don't like being criticized, it feels like a rejection, and so I try to do everything as perfectly as possible so either they DON'T, or if they do, other people will (hopefully) rush to my defense, or, at a very minimum, I can say to myself, "But I DID work really hard and do a good job, they are just being jerks"

I dunno. Maybe that doesn't say anything very nice or good about me. But I do try to head off any possible criticism by trying to do things *perfectly,* or, when I can, in a way that will please everyone.

Of course you can't please everyone, and sometimes the only way to come close is to not please yourself. (But sometimes, I admit: I'd rather give up my own happiness than deal with criticism).

But anyway, whatever. 2021 is most extremely fired, and I don't have a lot of faith that things will get better any time soon.