I am counting it as "I survived today" because I am now at home, holding my Zoom office hours (and I realized that with the waiting room, I can just have the camera on and go about my business and not worry if I am "holding my face the right way" because no one can see me until I admit them (or hear me, either).
I did start something new - back in the summer, when I was "okay I must support my beloved yarn shops" I ordered some Bentley (an acrylic/wool marl yarn - it was on sale) from Quixotic Fibers, with the idea of doing a scarf. I hunted around and found the ideal pattern - the Tailfeather Scarf from Baroque Purls which looks like a raptor's feathers
That's just about half of the first pattern, then it gets shifted to a different (but related) pattern, and then one like this again, but shifted half a repeat....it's a nice pattern, very "organic."
And yes, I know: orange is not my greatest color, but it will match my new barn coat and I really wanted to work on some kind of "outdoor cold-weather" gear because I want to think about fall, and maybe going out and hiking a bit (possibly the only "fun" thing that's remotely safe to do - and that even not once hunting season starts).
It's also just nice to have a new project. Oh, I am still working on the blanket, I am on the very last repeat of it, and then just have a few "finishing" rows plus the border and that will be done - that might be tonight's project.
***
I finished "The Professor's House" the other night. It is a good book but....well, in a way it's a little "adulthood is depressing" - the last section (I do not think this is much of a spoiler, the book is nearly 100 years old) has the Professor nearly dying (gas leak from the bad old heating stove in his study) and he is only rescued by Augusta, the "German Catholic" (Cather makes a big deal of it, I guess because it's shorthand for Augusta's stoic worldview about life in the here and now) dressmaker saves him.
And in the end, he realizes: "He had never learned to live without delight. And he would have to learn to, just as, in a Prohibition country, he supposed he would have to learn to live without sherry. Theoretically he knew that life is possible, may be even pleasant, without joy, without passionate griefs. But it had never occurred to him that he might have to live like that."
And I guess the thing is - he sees that in Augusta. She is presumably older (30s? Maybe? Maybe 40s?) never married, the presumption seems to be she *won't,* and her life revolves around her church and the people she sews/does light housekeeping for. And maybe he sees in her that she is happy enough?
But something in me read that passage I quoted above and went "NOOOOOO"
Because yeah, right now I find I am living without some of the sources of delight I once had - running off to Sherman or even Shreveport (to see my friend Laura) and just running around, going to a lot of shops, shopping, lingering, eating meals in restaurants. Even just going in a place where other people are seems fraught now. (And teaching is going to be HARD. I found it made me breathe heavily to just project at a normal volume). And you know? I don't want to give up and accept my greatly restricted life and feel like "well it's never going to be different from this" because that IS a giving-up.
But I might have to? I don't know. What I need is something to *substitute* for antiquing and going doing things with friends and singing in public, and I haven't found an acceptable one yet. Etsy and eBay are okay as far as they go for "shopping" but They. Are. Not. The. Same. (And yes, I know, before you say it: "But it's *probably* safe to go in person." Except, I would worry the whole time. And even though I am pro-mask because they've been demonstrated to protect, they are not comfortable, not for a whole day of shopping.)
And so, like Professor St. Peter had to learn to live without sherry and without the excitement of new discoveries with Tom Outland, I will have to learn to live without singing in church or going on treks for quilt fabric....yeah, my "delights" are much smaller, much more like Augusta's. But I still mourn them, because as small as they were, they were MINE.
I suppose I am being immature here: the whole theme of the book really is growing up and learning to accept that there are just a lot of unpleasant or disappointing things about adulthood - the disappointment of the McGregors (especially Kathleen) is always being shown up by the wealthy Marselluses; the disappointment of Dr. Crane, that he never saw fame or fortune from Outland's discovery; Outland's disappointment (of all of them, the worst) of how Roddy either misunderstood or betrayed him; and St. Peter's disappointment - in that he is aging, in the loss of Outland as a friend/surrogate son; in the way the Marselluses behave (especially Rosamund, his oldest daughter) because of the new-found wealth from Outland's inheritance to her. We don't hear much about MRS. St. Peter, but I am sure she had disappointments of her own.
And maybe that's it, isn't it? That true adulthood comes when you recognize the disappointments in your life but you can still live with them? I don't think Cather's writing was quite hopeful enough to go the step of TRANSFORMING them, as some writers might, but maybe living with them is enough.
***
I've been "wasting" (I guess you would say) some time on phone games. I swore I wouldn't get sucked into these when I got the phone, but when I did - well, there wasn't a pandemic on where late evenings mean I fall into a whirlpool of horror about what's going on in the world. I downloaded one called Homescapes and another called Gardenscapes. (And yes, yes, I know: a lot of these collect info and what not but I do not have that much on my phone that's not otherwise public knowledge, and also I am NOT getting sucked into the "spend $3 and we will give you something that allows you to advance through that level easier" - I'd rather just grind until I finally make it). They are....weird little games. They focus on the life of a butler named Austin - in one, he has gone back to his family home to help his parents (and here is the thing that makes me strain my disbelief - the parents have an enormous home and I always thought butlers came from fairly modest backgrounds, but had the training and talent to do their job). In the other, he is "your" butler (yes, you put in your name and everything) and is helping you restore a garden at a mansion "you" inherited.
They are basically "do a task" games. But the weird thing is, even though the tasks are never-ending and a lot of them are things like "rake leaves" or "unpack a new chair," there is something weirdly satisfying about them. (To do the tasks, you solve puzzles, which earn you "stars" which can then be used to motivate Austin to do whatever it is). It allows me a few minutes (or more - and I do have to start watching how much time I spend) of escape, because the puzzles do take concentration and more than a little luck.
I also admit the backstory is weirdly comforting. And they play nice music behind the games. (And I admit, I joked to myself the other night, "Austin is your imaginary butler boyfriend" and I was like holy cow, maybe yes? But the thing is he says things like "good job!" and stuff when you finish a level and....well, I don't hear "good job" or similar enough in my life.)
Anyway, who ever does the psychological research to make those games appealing (at least to people like me), they did it well.
though some of the levels do seem to "cheat" and are harder than they should be...
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