* Most of the day was spent in reading/commenting on a document, and editing another one. The first one was information about our graduate program (I mean "our" in the sense of my department); it needs an overhaul because a few years back someone who would have been wildly unqualified was almost let in on a technicality. (This was a person who had quite a history in the department; people who were reading me back in 2012 will know some of my experience with them. I flat out told my chair that if this person were admitted I would NOT work with them on their committee, nor would I willingly teach them a "special topic" [usually a class of one or two people; I would not teach this person alone])
The other document was a manuscript for a journal I do (volunteer) technical editing for. I guess being picky and sensitive to things like typos or lack-of-clarity is a good thing. (And yes, I know I have typos on here but (a) I tend to be writing fast and (b) for the editing, I blow the document up to 200% and really pay close attention to each sentence. Also, I think it is easier to see errors in something someone else wrote).
That ate up most of the day.
Tomorrow I will start the next round of continuing-ed reading. Or maybe go get plants, I don't know. I still don't know if I feel like driving to Sherman. I'm a little afraid I've lost some ability to drive safely. Thursday I have a Zoom faculty meeting.
* I was thrown for a little loop this morning - a friend of mine suddenly lost her much-loved collie; it looks like he had a heart attack. I met Jack a couple times and while I am not a "dog person," Jack was one of the dogs I liked, and it makes me sad that he is no more, and I am sadder for Laura because I know Jack was her walking companion when she went out in the mornings to get exercise.
* Someone posted today on Twitter a gag that "Genovia is free of COVID; this is what a strong female leader can do!" (for those unfamiliar: "Genovia" is the fake country in The Princess Diaries). And I thought, but didn't tweet: Heh, Equestria ALSO has female leaders and also is COVID-free. And Moominvalley, though Moominvalley doesn't really seem to have leaders or a government? I am not sure how that works. Moominmamma and to a lesser extent Moominpappa seem to be the ones who make the decisions there, though they also seem to have a more communal mode of leadership....
But yeah. The thought of just being a small creature of some kind, living in a cottage, with small-creature friends, walking down once a week to the market to get food, and spending the days drinking tea and working in the garden....I mean, in some ways I guess it is not that much different from the life I am living right now (except for the nearby friends, and the freedom to go out and be in groups if I so chose)
* And yeah, that's kind of cottage-corey, I know. Cottage-core is an aesthetic idea that's sort of moving from fringe to mainstream - the idea of wildflower gardens, and baking bread, and doing needlework, and old books, and staying at home. (I admit a little bit of nervousness, though, because I read some people's tumblrs, and someone made a comment about how such-and-such cottagecore blog was affiliated with wh*te s*premacists and NO. Do not let them take THIS. And yeah, I know, it's tumblr, and people on there tend to look for bad things behind every tree...)
* I don't know. I don't know how to reconcile the need to engage with the larger issues of the world with my own personal desire for a small quiet life where I try to do the very small good I can, but also enjoy the little things like embroidering my pillowcases or buying flowers for my garden and I don't even know. There's no shortage of people now wanting to tell me how I should be living my life, and I tend to....I don't know, I feel like a bad person when I don't take their advice. But wasn't there some folktale or fairy tale like that, where the main character kept getting advised to do different things and they tried to do them all and wound up miserable and doing them all badly? I know of "The Animal's School" which I've cited here before, but that was written in the 1970s....
* Anyway. I am tired and a little heartsick this evening, both because of my friend's sudden loss and because of the larger problems in the world. I need to fix some dinner but literally nothing appeals to me; what I really want is someone else to cook for me but that's not gonna happen. (Food from out - it all seems too "heavy" to me; I want something light and simple for dinner but I don't know what).
Part of it is I'm just still thinking about the idea of "bubble buddies" and the suggestion now that after people have been (largely) self-isolating for so long, now it's okay to find one or a small group of friends and "bubble up" with them for social things, as long as you are only part of ONE group and it is a SMALL group (less than five) and my realization that none of my local friends are close enough friends that I'd feel comfortable asking them to be my "bubble buddy" because if they had already filled all those slots in their life and had to tell me no, I'm not sure I'd deal very well with the rejection, and also my assumption that I am a C-list friend at best to people around here (and also, most folks have extended family and of course they should link up with them before some random stranger that they have no blood tie to). My close friends are all farther away and so getting together socially right now is not possible.
The thing is - I am this alone a lot of the time. Does it seem worse now because I'm not getting out and doing the "little" interaction type of things? Or because I'm hearing about other people "bubbling together" and that lonely nine-year-old that lives in my psyche is sitting alone in the lunchroom and feeling sad about it?
I also told my mother the other night that there's a better than 50% chance (depending on what infection rates look like, both here and nationally) I won't be coming for Thanksgiving and that breaks my heart a little. Thanksgiving was the big family holiday. But I'd have had all my students around and no chance to "quarantine" for two weeks first, and also it would involve traveling on the train (it is just too far to drive, and I think flying would be worse). Christmas, MAYBE. But I worry about catching it and taking it to her. No, there is no way she could come down here. Fifteen years ago, maybe she and my dad could have. But not now.
If I were more of a cursing woman I'd put a long string of curse words here about COVID and what it's done to all of our lives, but I can't....all I can do is just dissolve into tears. I hope some day life is better than it is now.And I don't even have it as bad as many people!
* Still no sign of any of the Doki Doki crates; I am now waiting on three - April, May, and June. I've e-mailed the company to no avail; if none have come by the time my renewal comes due I'm not renewing, and I'll just count that lost money as learning-money, though like I said, I'm not sure what the lesson is, other than maybe "you're not allowed to have nice things."
I'm still hoping they will show up; a friend got a post card yesterday that I mailed at the beginning of May - it had maybe 1000 miles to travel. But I'm not hoping MUCH. Maybe the only "subscription service" I continue to get are the food boxes (which I pay for weekly and are easier to cancel if something goes badly wrong) and the Mrs. Grossman's stickers, which are a large envelope and seem to ship more easily (my June stickers came yesterday, only a couple days after I got the e-mail saying they'd been mailed)
I'm just so tired of all the dysfunction, large and small.
* Seen elsewhere: "Romanticize the (heck) out of everyday life, because it's all we've got"
and yeah, there's truth to that. But some days it's hard to apply the glitter or see things in soft-focus or whatever it takes to feel that romance.
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