a mixed bag

* Yeah, I'm still not happy about maybe prematurely canceling my trip. (Then again: there's a report that a Dartmouth student *who was specifically told to self-quarantine because they had been exposed to the virus* went to a B-school function in Vermont, there are selfish-people everywhere who go "Hm. That rule must not apply to me" and maybe infect people)

I'm realizing that "self quarantine" would be hard for me - I'd start to go stir crazy - but if I were told "stay home for 10 days without physical contact, just in case you are infected," I'd do it. I'd probably be less-happy about that (worried about every sniffle or feeling of being unsteady on my feet - I can go full-hypochondriac in a heartbeat) than I would about "okay, everyone stay home for 10 days so we can deep clean stuff and also avoid people being exposed. Even at that I'd not be thrilled about being at home alone for 10 days. Even with my yarn and fabric stash and the Internet and both Pandora and the BBC app so I can listen to music or news.

* Also not happy about the long days coming up next week, though i did successfully evaluate the three "surprise" late applications. (I told the committee chair I half-@ssed it, because I did and I think he needs to know that I did).

Next hiring committee we do, I think I'm going to ask not to be on it. I have been on the last 3. It's a lot of extra work and we don't get paid for our time. I mean, yes, we can count it as service in post-tenure review, but....more and more I'm feeling like going for those "approval points" at work (which are few and kind of grudging) is killing me slowly.

* This morning I realized something, and it made me sad: When I was a kid, a lot of the time I heard that something I did was "good," or that people were proud of me, stuff like that.

As an adult? I almost never hear that any more. Yes, yes, I know that adults are supposed to self-congratulate or whatever you want to call it, but I never really developed that tendency and also, I am far, far too good at seeing what's imperfect about what I do - I can point out every mis-matched seam on a quilt top, or the place I had to rip back and redo in a sweater because I messed up. I can see all the flaws and how nothing I do lives up to my expectations for myself.

And sometimes? It would just be nice to have someone in my vicinity who reminded me that what I am doing is challenging, and I am more than meeting the minimum level of adequacy. Because some days I feel like "Well, I guess people thought I was pretty smart and talented as a kid, but I guess the bar for being "good at stuff" in adulthood is just a little bit high for me to clear" and it makes me sad. I started crying a little practicing piano this morning because I thought of all the people who used to tell me stuff like that I was doing well and they were proud of me, and how they're gone out of my life - either dead or I lost contact with them.

Maybe if I EVER have time to do ANYTHING but work and the bare minimum for existence out of work, I do counseling on my own dime, and work on learning to be able to be proud of myself, 'cos ain't no one going to do that for me.

* Not getting much crafting done. I am SURE that is part of my malaise. I crocheted a bit on the endless blanket of doom last night but it feels kind of Sisyphean right now. I didn't have the energy to go back into my sewing room and sew, and anyway, by the time I was done with necessary afternoon-after-school things (I got home after 5:30 pm), it was too dark and it creeps me out a little staring out into my dark backyard; that's the direction That Dude who pounded on my door a few years back late at night came from, and I know people could see me in my sewing room with the lights on.

* Kind of a bad night last night; I woke up around quarter to two and could not get back to sleep and was having Very Dark Thoughts (mostly revolving around: if something happened to me, no one would even notice until stuff at work didn't get done, and then people would just be angry I wasn't there to do the stuff). And found myself contemplating: what if I just stayed in bed tomorrow morning, didn't get up, didn't go in to work? Would someone come looking for me? Would someone even call?

Eventually I fell back asleep but I occasionally have a night like that recently and I don't like it.

A big part of it is I feel like I've just had a lot of disappointments in recent months, and not much good to balance them out. Oh, I suppose I should be LOOKING for the good, but it's hard to go "yay, I didn't fall in a puddle today!" as a GOOD thing.

* Have decided to end the "no unnecessary online shopping" thing, or perhaps rather: "Spending money for things you will use and that might make you happy is actually necessary." I saw a dress at Vermont Country Store I liked and later on I will hunt around in my e-mails for one of the regular "free shipping with a purchase of $65" coupons they send because I could also buy some food-for-the-shelf (just in case, you know) through them, or some other things....they have a lot of interesting things.

* I also probably should get out and get more Vitamin D. I am not convinced it helps, but it's been so grey and rainy here, we see the sun maybe one day out of seven, and even with sun exposure, this latitude is questionable as to whether one can make enough D from that. And, yes yes, I drink enriched milk BUT....if der Haufen Mist  hits the fan....fresh milk may be a memory. (I am thinking of if we have to 'self quarantine' for any reason, either to avoid contagion or because we might be infected). And probably more of the B-complex I take. Again, I don't know that they're anything more than a Dumbo's feather, but I'm willing to (to mix metaphors) grasp at straws right now.

Maybe if they have some nice blindbag toys at the Walgreens when I go for vitamins I lay in a small supply and tuck them away....'cos if, yeah, we get told to "shelter in place" for 10 days, having something like that every couple days might make it go a little better. Yes, I bribe myself like I'm a four-year-old on a long car trip but I really thing we don't grow up as much as we THINK we do, and maybe just accepting that there's a kid in there who can be placated with little toys or treats is the easiest path.

* Maybe the next thing I start - even though I have too many projects already - is the Ranibow Sprimkle pony I've been threatening to do for like three months. I have everything I need for her - a sort of sprinkle-print body yarn, and a rainbow-sherbet acrylic that could be the mane (or if that doesn't work, a very plain-vanilla yarn that might go better). Not sure what her cutie mark, if she gets one, would be. Or maybe, if I can get down to the JoAnn's again before we all have to wear hazmat suits to leave the house, I buy an ice-cream-cone or ice-cream-sundae shaped button and just sew that on....