A big decision

Well, after consulting with my MD colleague (who is ALSO originally FROM China, and who has been back there - though not near Wuhan - in recent months), I decided to cancel my spring break trip.

I called my mom and told her. She is okay with it; in fact she said "I was kind of expecting this would be the outcome." Because I can't trust my fellow citizens not to travel sick, and I don't want to risk getting sick (my colleague seemed to think my mild asthma might present more of an issue than I think it would) and I especially don't want to risk getting my mom sick.

I realize part of my worry these past few days is very, very, very much linked to "she is the only parent I have left now and I can't let anything happen to her" (and dammit, now I'm crying, but at least I'm at home for it).

I changed my tickets. Amtrak didn't make it easy or fast but I did it online so now I have a roomette for May. Hopefully by then the virus has burned itself out. If not, I guess I'll either re-make my reservations or eat the nearly $200 it would cost me to cancel (DESPITE AMTRAK CLAIMING IT WAS WAIVING THAT. EVERYBODY LIES)

I'm kind of heartbroken about this but also suspect this is the best decision, for one thing, depending on how spread in Illinois goes (it's shown up in Chicago), it might be unwise to go out for things and that's no fun on break. And I really don't want to risk getting it on the train and spreading it to my mom - or to people at church after I get back. (And yes, I know: perhaps just as likely I catch it from a student who traveled, but protecting my mom is now paramount).

Another stupid reason is that we're having to do a lot of Skype interviews of candidates, and because everyone is overworked, the only time free is after 4 pm, and we will probably have to do interviews the Friday before spring break - and I couldn't do that AND travel. So stupid work wins again, though that's ONLY by default; if this virus had never happened I'd have said "No, I won't be there for the Friday  session, sorry"

I have promised myself two things to salve my disappointment:

1. With the possible exception of getting my spring soil sample (if the weather is EVER favorable), I am NOT working over break. Not doing the "go in to my office and grind at my desk" thing because I deserve time off. I am going to focus on quilts, I think and try to get at least the Vignere Cipher top done and maybe start another one

2. All bets are off on the "no unnecessary online shopping for Lent" thing because just as the Jesuits in South America classified capybara as fish because they swam (and so: okay to eat on Fridays and during fasts from "meat"), I am reclassifying some degree of comfort-shopping as "necessary."

But dangit, today is fired. And next week, where it looks like I may be pulling multiple 12 or even 14 hour work days, is doubly fired.

****

It's terrible but I am now fantasizing about the "everything has to close for two weeks, everyone go home and stay there" even though I recognize enough people CAN'T do that - or won't be paid for those two weeks - or whatever. I could do it as long as my university didn't expect me to rig up my cell phone and lecture into it and do some kind of complex technological thing. But the thought of just being able to STAY HOME - no meetings, no waiting on people who beg to make up tests and then never show, no grading, no doing the intricate dance of trying to get the 20 things I must get done, each of which COULD take an hour, in a day when I also need at least an hour for life-maintenance and maybe six hours to sleep....To just hole up in my sewing room and listen to BBC on the app on my cell phone and sew on quilts and just be quiet, not have to talk to people or manage anyone else's feelings or be told "but everyone else is having to do a lot of work too" when I tell someone I am overwhelmed and don't think I can do it and that's really not what I'm saying to them, I am not saying "I think you have less than I do," I am saying "because of personal reasons I cannot carry as much right now but I am being forced to and I am being crushed under the load."

Or to sit in my living room and wind off skeins of yarn and start some new projects.

Or even to go into my backyard and clear out the weeds and brush. Something. Something other than dealing with so many people expecting so much of me and also wanting me to make them feel better when I have no one here to make me feel better, and I need it desperately.

(That's why I am sad about not going to see my mom. To have a week of someone else willing to shoulder some of the cooking, and someone to talk to about things other than work, to sleep in a quiet place with no damnable boom cars - someone recently moved into my neighborhood who has one)

Adulthood really IS saying, over and over again, "maybe next week will be better" until you die.