a midweek argh

Practically every school district in the region (except for the local one) is closed. ECU and our Ardmore campus are closed.

We are open. Already one of my students who lived in Ardmore has e-mailed me to let me know she won't be in. That's fine; I told people not to risk it if the roads were bad, Ardmore is an hour away and it's worse over there than here.

I was *just* thinking, "Well, if I ONLY do the mark and recapture lab today and save the seed dispersal one for a future week" (which I can do, I see how I can fit it in) "I can go home a little early"

(Though the other thing about doing ONLY mark and recapture today: that is one of the rare labs that people can do as a make up, so people who have to miss will be OK, I can just have them come in and do it when they have time during the next week)

So I was looking forward to maybe an early home-time today.

NOPE.

I just remembered: Gen Ed council meeting this afternoon at 3.

Oh well. I brought extra food (what I could grab quickly, so not terribly nutritious) in my lunch kit just in case it turns REALLY bad and I get stuck here and I brought a small knitting project (if the roads get icy there is no safe route home that doesn't involve an overpass or a hill or a road with poor visibility). I have a blanket in my office and the "comfort stuffie" I brought over here after my dad died, but no pillow and no change of clothes. Dangit. I hope it doesn't come to that. (I wonder, if worse came to worse, if some of the old XXL t shirts we had on hand to give out to students taking tours are hanging around, could gank one and at least use it as a sleep shirt).

I mean, it probably won't come to that, but....it could.

I got the first of two exams written yesterday afternoon and this morning. Might wait until between class and lab to work on the second.

But yeah. I am....not feeling it today. I don't know why. Advanced Biostats went well yesterday, I kind of have mapped out what I want to do for next week and can work on that tomorrow and Friday maybe, but....I'm just kind of tired. And I HURT. And I hate that over-50 thing of random pain, because you ask yourself:

- Did I overdo it working out/doing other tasks (this COULD be all the fast shoveling I did yesterday to clear out the 'western drainage;' some of the mud was quite heavy)
- Am I getting sick?
- Could I have some kind of low level version of fibromyalgia or something? I just periodically hurt and the points of pain kind of map to what people with fibro have told me are "trigger points." I don't have the exhaustion or other issues though
- Did I just sleep badly?
- Am I not exercising *enough*?
- Is it that my office/classrooms were to cold, or did I wear the wrong shoes yesterday?
- Could I actually be having a normal "cycle" in some senses, and this is just part of it? About once a month it does seem I have a few days where I just hurt. I should start marking it on a calendar to see if there's a pattern.

(I can still take tylenol, but that doesn't always do a whole lot. I am trying to avoid ibuprofen and the like because of concerns about stomach issues but also because they apparently have some cardiovascular risks and I'd rather avoid those, slight as they may be. Really what I probably need is a good warm bath and, if I weren't so touch-averse in certain ways, regular massages)

And, just, ugh. Low level pain, while I can work through it, reduces my tolerance for human foolishness. And right now, there seems to be so much of it. I'll spare you my rant about the feeling that far too many nations of the world are under the rule of glorified four-year-olds, that there doesn't seem to be a good path forward, that there's a disease that could either be very bad or could be less than the typical seasonal flu depending on who you read, and, and, and.

And yes, I am very much feeling the comment I have made several times before, about how Linus got it wrong about "I love humanity; it's people I can't stand" - I love individual people, I can even put up with the quirks of individuals I know. But get humanity together in a puling mass, and forget it. (Also people in large groups seem to me more inclined to do stupid and animalistic things; mob behavior is a thing).

But yeah. Some things I very much want:

- to be caught up on work (I also have job applications to review and Honors-program application letters to review, maybe that's Saturday's task)
- to have a clean house (ugh, that was my plan for today if classes were cancelled, it needs it. Maybe I do a little, at least putting stuff away, this evening?)
- be able to sit somewhere and knit and have someone companionable there, not necessarily even having to talk, just having them THERE. That is something I miss a lot these days.
- to get a good, solid, 8 hours of sleep. Not waking up in the middle of the night, not waking up too early. (As it is, I get closer to 6 hours during the week and that is probably not sustainable long term. The unfortunate choice is "go to bed an hour or two earlier and give up any pretense of having "free time" in the evenings" or "stay up 'til 9 or 9:30 to do hobbies, but then not get as much sleep at night" or, worst of all "don't exercise in favor of getting that extra hour of sleep" None of those is a good choice though I admit I'm going with the second one these days)



Added: I said this on Twitter but I'll repeat it here:

I really need to hear something good today. The despair that often nibbles at corners of my mind is taking bigger bites than normal

I don't know why. It's probably a combo platter of being tired, having too much to do, worrying about the weather and the state of the world, and not having a lot to look forward to in the next few weeks. (I even ate more healthfully yesterday and that didn't help, normally it does. I ate the green leafy stuff, I did the thing with flailing my arms and legs around, I took my meds, I went out under that bright thing (at least as long as it was out) so my brain needs to start making the happy chemical)