Thursday is my hardest teaching day: 2, 75-minute classes, and a 2 hour afternoon lab. There is a 15 minute break between the two lectures and a 45 minute break ("lunch") between morning classes and lab. So I'm often pretty tired at the end of this day.
I think I also have a little free-floating anxiety because I know my post-tenure review committee is meeting soon. No, I am not worried about keeping my job; it would take two unsatisfactory reviews in a row to even start that process, and all my annual reviews (yes, it's complicated: we do annual reviews and THEN a "super review" every three years) have been favorable. But as I said before: all I really want, the thing that would make me happiest? Is a letter saying "you're doing fine, keep on keepin' on" or even better "maybe you are a little bit overextended?" but I know I won't get either of those, because this is a "developmental" process, which is code for "you will be found wanting in some way so you can scramble around and fix THAT, and let something else slide" and I WISH I could stop caring about this but I do feel, some days, like my job is all I have and I want to be *perfect* at it, but I can't be. And that makes me nuts.
And, I don't know. I am feeling harder the run-up to Valentine's Day than I thought I would. In the past, I was able to be okay with "okay, so you don't "have" anybody, there is no one for you to buy a silly romantic card and maybe a small gift for, and you won't get flowers or candy or a card, but that's OK" but for some reason this year....I don't know. I don't know if it's that I lost a few people in the past year (heck, I've lost a lot of people in the past TWO years) or if (as I briefly alluded to) there was someone I thought *might* be kinda interested in me but the answer is actually "no, you read that wrong" or what it is, but I think I'm gonna have to unsubscribe from some of the places I get e-mailed ads from (like Build-a-Bear Workshop, which is leaning really hard on the pink-and-red stuffed toys this year)
Also one of those things on Twitter making the rounds: "Has anyone ever called you 'intimidating' and do you agree?" and I'm reminded of the time in grad school when I found out (second-hand; from a mutual friend) that one of the guys I knew "fancied" me and had talked about maybe asking me out on a date, but was afraid to because - as he told this friend - I seemed somewhat "intimidating" and I don't even know what that means. If "intimidating" = "smart woman" maybe I was better off not being asked? I mean, I don't expect the guys I date to be super geniuses but I can't stand the kind of man who dislikes smart women and wishes we were all about 20 IQ points below whatever he was at. I am who I am and that won't change. But it does make me wonder if there were other....missed chances in my life, because either I failed to read signs right (I am bad at that) or I did somehow seem "too smart" or "too self contained" or "too....something." And yeah, I get saying someone is "too whatever" sometimes really means the person who MIGHT have asked them out are somehow lacking themselves, but. (I would not want to date a guy who didn't like smart women, 'cos I refuse to act dumb just for approval)
Oh, and just other things. All the infighting that exists in my country, leading me to suspect that if we do get a civil war, it might well be "coasts vs. middle of the country" and frankly, that's a war no one wins. And concerns about "what if Coronavirus spreads and maybe Dallas has an outbreak" and how that might mess up supply chains/lead to the university shutting down and counseling people to stay home for a few days. And just everything else. And it's constantly cold in my building and with the gloomy, chilly weather outside, I just get cold, and it's hard to warm back up, even after getting home.
I'm telling myself everything is fine, because it really is: and it's more fine than it was LAST Monday when I was heading in for bloodwork and trying to mentally calculate how many days I could "afford" to lose if I had to have surgery....and that's no longer an issue (I assume; I will know for sure in the appointment tomorrow but I suspect the answer is "you scared yourself but nothing is wrong")
But yeah. I need to get off the sofa and go do the workout I decided I was too tired to do this morning, and then probably wash my hair and figure out some dinner. I admit what I really would like? To not have to do the workout, to have a friendly dog or cat or mini-horse to hug for a while, to have someone fix me a nice dinner, and to have someone to talk to while I sit and knit.
I think Thursdays are worst day for me not just because they're the longest (and in some ways least rewarding) work day, but they're really far from Sunday which is usually when I get at least a little positive reinforcement at church, but they are also not yet Friday, which is an easy day and Friday also means I don't HAVE to be anywhere at a particular time
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