The world's news

Today is Yom Kippur, which is the day of atonement in the Jewish faith: where people repent for the wrongs they've done in the previous year and make amends to those they've wronged. My understanding is that it's one of the most solemn and serious days of the year.

And the news brings word this morning of what was (possibly*) an attack on a synagogue in Germany.

The world makes me sad on a regular basis.

Anyway. I posted this some time back. It is a piece I like and it fits for today: Jacqueline Du Pré playing Max Bruch's "Kol Nidre"



The Kol Nidre is the prayer said at the beginning of services on Yom Kippur. I guess its purpose is to free the hearers from any vows they made to God in the previous year, so they cannot sin by breaking vows they cannot fulfill, and to free them to make new vows.

(*Some news outlets didn't mention the synagogue connection, others say the shooting was "near" a synagogue, but given recent news I'd not be surprised to find out that it was a directed attack. As I said: humanity makes me sad a lot of the time these days.)

Apparently the Kol Nidre even includes an invitation to "outcasts."

****

Because of various other news-things I won't go in to, I am once again reminded of a lot of crap from my childhood where I often felt an "outcast" and I realize a lot of my problems right now are related to fears of abandonment/rejection.

For example: I had two friends who, for some reason, disliked each other. One day - this would have been about fourth grade - they banded together and told me I had to choose one of them, or they would both reject me. And I couldn't. I like them both, they were both my friends. I didn't see why I couldn't play with Friend 1 after school (she lived close to me) and Friend 2 (who lived farther away) on the weekends. But no, I was told to choose.

I refused.

They both shunned me for like a week. Which felt like an eternity to a kid.

And so, every time I see what I perceive as the world getting meaner, or people hardening their positions and going "if someone doesn't agree with you 100% on everything, drop them as your friend," I admit I worry: what if everyone drops me as their friend? It's hard for me to make new friends. I can't afford to lose any. I tend to bite my tongue more these days, not express opinions, not even really say anything until I've "read the room." I'm not strong enough to say "if they want to stop being your friend over [your liking DC and their liking Marvel*], then they were never your friend in the first place" because there's that 10 year old still in me who sat alone at lunch and at recess for an entire week, sad and baffled, because of what her friends were doing.

(*Substitute whatever not-really-based-on-moral-values decision you like there)

I also had the experience of being shunned or mocked by other kids for what seemed like meaningless reasons to me: the brand of jeans I wore (SORRY KAREN BUT MY FAMILY DOESN'T HAVE AS MUCH MONEY AS YOURS DOES) or the tv shows I preferred or the fact that I "liked" a certain boy rather than some other boy....or that I was willing to talk to some of the other "outcast" kids.

Anyone who claims children are "angels" and are "less corrupted than adults" gets a hard stare from me, based on my childhood experience. Children are just as bad as adults, they're just less likely to mask their behavior behind false politeness.

I really don't understand people and I never did.

But yeah. The world feels too much with me today; I have a long day of teaching ahead of me (my longest day) and then Elder's Meeting and the last Board Meeting with our current minister and I'm low-level worried the conclusion of the search committee for a new minister is gonna be "we can't find one so maybe we start working on closing down" and then what do I do?

Everything in my life feels like it's in upheaval and I don't like it.