more self-care

Because apparently I need it.

Anxiety is bad this morning; it wound up centered on "what's up with my dentist" because in my Informed Delivery e-mail there was a letter from the clinic, and then I suddenly realized: oh no, I never re-made the checkup appointment I had to cancel when my dad died.

(Though it's more than just that. Some days I do just have this feeling of "I can't" in terms of being ready to walk into class and smile and teach/deal with the million little things that happen/feel like things are going to be OK. Oh, I mostly DO - I mean, I get my teaching done and I manage to fix the things that break and do the paperwork that must be done but sometimes it would be exceptionally nice to have someone to console me about the OK-ness of things.)

So: I had visions that the letter was "we're dropping you as a patient because it's been a year since you've been in" or "we're closing down" or some such and I worried acutely until the place opened at 8 am when I could call.

I don't know what's in the letter still* but at least I have a checkup appointment now. (Not until early December, because they're a busy practice and my teaching schedule is woeful - all morning classes, which is the optimal time for appointments).

The poor receptionist, though. She said she was new and I could tell it was nuts there that morning. She had to put me on hold for a while and then came back and apologized profusely but I told her it was fine, I had time, I could wait if necessary.

(*very likely, it could be the oldest dentist is retiring; I know he has many many years of practice and is probably close to 70 if not already there. Or it could be updates to what insurances they will accept next year. I have Delta, which is generally pretty good in this area and I expect they'll continue to take them)

I suppose some people might be yelling at her but really she was doing her best and it sounded like they were slammed this morning and I just kind of chuckled and said "Oh, it sounds like you're really busy there, it's OK." Anyway, I ultimately got my appointment which is all that matters (and was relieved to learn that I was not being dropped as a patient, I made some comment about that and she said "Oh, no, we wouldn't do that!")

Because really: extending a little grace to another person who is overwhelmed is a good thing (and something I could have done with more of these past few weeks).

(And yes: that probably includes extending grace to oneself, and I get it)

I also woke myself up the other night with a big snort/snore/thing and now I am low-level worried I might be developing sleep apnea. Except. That has only happened about three times in the past six months (night before last was the first time my brain went, "wait, could this be sleep apnea?") and I don't have the daytime sleepiness or the headaches or sore throat or other things they say are signs and symptoms. Maybe it's just bad allergies causing congestion? I've decided if I do it again, I am going to set up my phone to record me overnight to see if I actually do snore. The last time I shared a hotel room with someone (years ago) they did not say I snored, and my mom (whom I have travelled with on occasion) told me she had never heard me (I asked, specifically, when I was diagnosed with hypertension, because sleep apnea can CAUSE hypertension).

I don't want to go and do a whole sleep study and I don't even know if I'd have to go to Dallas to do that but if I am snoring and not-breathing I need to deal with that.

(I do have a little brain-fog but that could still be the lingering effects of grief. I will say it's better than some weeks ago, and I think if would only be getting worse if I were apneic....)

So anyway. A lot of low-level things bugging me.

Anyway. This weekend, for those of us Parks and Recreation fans, includes "Treat Yo'Self Day" and even though I've read that Retta (the actress most involved with it) doesn't seem to really care for people coming up to her and talking about it now, I like the idea of taking a day to, well, treat one's self.

I'm taking this weekend off work. I have maybe an hour and a half of research tasks to complete this afternoon, and if I can force myself to write one of the exams for two weeks from now that would be good, but....tomorrow I am going antiquing. (There was a big fire in Denison, so I'm not sure how much of downtown Denison I will be able to get around in, but it looks like the antique mall there was unaffected.) And I want to go to the antique mall in Sherman. And go to JoAnn's and spend my gift certificate. And go out for lunch. And maybe do some better grocery shopping than I can locally.

Not sure yet where I will go to lunch; maybe Panera, maybe the good barbecue place. I'll see what I feel like at lunchtime.

It's turned colder here which makes it more inviting to go out and run around and do stuff, and also I don't have to worry about "if I buy some good chocolate somewhere*, it will melt unless I bring a cooler along" and yes that is a problem in the summer

(*It's harder to get good chocolate here in town. In Sherman, Target has a pretty nice selection and the natural-foods store has the spendy-but-excellent Chocolonely bars; their milk chocolate is the best I've ever had.)

But yeah. I feel very much I need to be kind to myself this weekend, and part of that is going out and running my errands somewhere nicer than the local wal-mart, and also getting myself a lunch I don't have to cook. (For me, that is the big attraction of restaurants - not so much that the food is *better* than what I can make, because I'm a pretty darn good cook, but that I can pay someone else to do it for me.)