"....maybe better dreams...."

I found myself thinking this morning of that line from the old song "The Circle Game":

"There'll be new dreams, maybe better dreams and plenty"

In it, the singer is describing a young boy growing up - the line I quoted comes after the kid has turned 20 and some of those childhood dreams are no longer possible (and some of them never were). And yeah, I think about that line a lot.

I admit it: I need some new dreams in my life. I keep saying "I need 2019 to serve me up some big good thing FOR ME by the end of the year" but I don't know what form that would take. I have no manuscripts currently on review (my last one was rejected and I've not had the energy to try to think about revising it down as was suggested). I don't have any grants I've applied for, and anyway, with a grant, it's like the dog chasing its tail: once you catch it, what do you do with it? A grant here just means a lot of work and a lot of documentation and it's not like we get a pay bump from them. And I've been nominated unsuccessfully twice (well, really, three times, if you count that time like 12 years ago) for a teaching award, but those tend very much to go to people who are retiring or where there is some other reason to suspect their career will soon end. 

Falling in love? That would be awfully nice, but I don't see that happening; I don't know ANY unattached men close enough to me in age who would be interested in me (the couple I know, as they say, bat for the other team, and while they're good men and good friends....well, there will never be anything like romance between us). This one is top-of-mind right now because my bell choir director - who is widowed - got introduced to a man about her age and apparently they are having a lot of fun, she commented, "He keeps me from being a workaholic hermit, which is something I need" and golly, I wish I had someone to keep me from being a workaholic hermit. I mean, I'm happy for her and all....(And no, don't suggest online dating; that way lies madness. I would need to be introduced to someone that is at least enough of a known quality that I don't wind up with a mindgamer or a clown or someone who has violent tendencies)

And I don't even  know what else. Hoping that "nothing else breaks in my house" is too small and sad a dream to have. 

Some kind of new social opportunity, like a knit night starting up, seems unlikely unless I try to take it on myself and manage it myself and I still don't have the energy for anything extra like that. And I feel like: why should that kind of thing seemingly always be on me? I do an awful lot already.

So I don't know. I'm doing less-well this morning partly because a couple things happened that reminded me of the losses I've dealt with recently. And driving in, someone took a turn too close and *almost* clipped me and when I've already been nervous about driving to Sherman because of all the car wrecks I've heard about lately, nearly getting in a wreck on the way to freaking work feels like too much.

I suppose a person could ask: "well, what do you WANT? If you are looking for something good to happen for you you have to "make" that thing, or at least make the opportunities for it" and part of it is I don't really KNOW what I want. New friends nearby would be one thing, someone to do stuff with.  (Really, even more than the messiness and drama that "falling in love" can bring, that's what I'd want: someone to go hiking with now and then.Or someone who is also interested in some of the same crafts as I am. Just companionship. And no, again, I'm not sure how to go out and make that happen; I am a member of enough groups already). And as for work things - well, for any "good" thing to happen, it means a lot of work and a lot of time and before this week I didn't even have the energy for a little of that. (I am slowly getting some research done again, but I will have to go back out at some point and collect soil for the next round).

I suppose the answer is that if I want something good to happen for me, I have to make it happen. But you know? I'm tired. I'm still low on energy. I would very much like something nice to happen as a sort of surprise where I don't have to take all the initiative and put in all the effort. Though maybe that's the difference between having dreams as a child and having "dreams" as an adult; when you're an adult, "dreams" is just another word for "plans you must implement."

But yeah. That's another way in which adulthood is not so great; everything always is on you to make it happen.