But, two things I am learning, and a third thing I may have to learn:
1. Sometimes you have to get loud and a little rude to be heard. Especially, I think, in our culture if you are a woman, and you are someone whose MO is to be kind and deferential to authority. It was only by talking loud and fast and making my voice hard on the phone that I got satisfaction from J-H. And it was only by straight up saying "If I am required to do this, it will put me in the hospital" to the committee chair that I got off the committee.
And I HATE that. I hate being pushy, I hate feeling like I'm Karen-with-the-short-frosted-haircut-demanding-to-speak-to-a-MANager. But I have been driven to it by necessity.
2. Sometimes you have to half-@ss stuff. I'm doing a lot of that. I wrote an exam in thirty minutes yesterday by taking one from 10 years back and changing a few of the questions but keeping most of the ones (at least the ones that still reflect what I am covering in the class). Because I don't have four hours to craft a perfect exam. And what's more? It's mostly multiple choice, because it will be less agonizing to grade. And I know multiple choice is terrible and it's bad testing practice and everything, but I have NO HELP and I am TIRED.
I also hate this because I was trained in the school of "anything worth doing is worth doing well" but I can't any more. Maybe later on I will be able to, but I can't right now.
And the other thing I may have to learn?
Sometimes it's genuinely OK to fail at something if you're being asked to do too much. This assessment stuff is STILL sitting in boxes on the floor, not done. I know my chair needs it soon. But I also don't know when I will make time to do it - I have my own research going unattended. I was up here until 4:30 last afternoon (arrived on campus at 7) and could have stayed later, but I needed to get to the credit union before they closed.
This afternoon is a loss: I have to meet with the CPA and I have grief counseling and if I am VERY lucky, the outlet will be being replaced. I can probably get a bit of research done before and right after class; I don't think I have anything I must do for tomorrow. But I feel like I've been handed eight balls after I proved I could successfully juggle five, and I'm in danger of dropping them all, and when I try to toss a ball to someone else to hold, they refuse.
So maybe I fail. And again, this goes against every fiber of my being; from far, far back my feeling has been FAILURE BAD. AVOID AT ALL COSTS even if not-failing sometimes means you don't take risks and don't do as much, or as many attention-getting things, as some people.
(There is a saying among female academics, and gentlemen, I am heartily sorry for the stereotyping, but most of us have seen enough examples of it that the stereotype at least makes sense: "God, grant me the confidence of a mediocre white man." Because some people DO have the confidence to try stuff and when it fails....they can just act like it's nothing, not like the failure means THEY weren't good enough or smart enough. But I do think a subset of us - probably not exclusively, but heavily, women - were taught at some point that failure was bad because failure at something work related means we are also failures as people. And while objectively I know that a manuscript being rejected doesn't mean I'm a failure as a person.....I also kind of feel like that. On top of the "crud, that means I have to either rewrite the thing, or ashcan months of work")
What I probably need is a Failure Coach to help me learn that failing at stuff isn't the end of the world. I mean, I get angry with myself when I have a bad practice session at the piano, even though I know that means I'm just tired or distracted or having a bad day...
This is also why I've only very barely tried my hand at designing knitwear (mostly: plugging in stitch patterns to an existing sock pattern); because failure and the waste of time it brings ("I worked for months on this sweater and it didn't work out") is too distressing to me.
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