I'm still struggling.

E-mail this morning brought news I was appointed to yet another committee on campus, one I suspect carries a heavy workload. I don't remember applying to it; I presume there was no one who asked to be on it, so I just got stuck on it.

I e-mailed the chair briefly outlining what I'm dealing with (and that I am now the departmental assessment person and I still don't have that done) and noting that if it requires more than either a half-hour per week's commitment, or if there will be weeks requiring multiple hours of work, I simply cannot do it.

Because I feel crushed. I feel like I will never get out from under what I am being asked/told to do.

I disliked "Stranger in a Strange Land," mostly, but I like this passage and relate hard to it:

“This poor little caryatid has fallen under the load. She’s a good girl—look at her face. Serious, unhappy at her failure, not blaming anyone, not even the gods . . . and still trying to shoulder her load, after she’s crumpled under it. But she’s more than good art denouncing bad art; she’s a symbol for every woman who ever shouldered a load too heavy. But not alone women—this symbol means every man and woman who ever sweated out life in uncomplaining fortitude until they crumpled under their loads. It’s courage, Ben, and victory.” “ ‘Victory’?” “Victory in defeat, there is none higher. She didn’t give up, Ben; she’s still trying to lift that stone after it has crushed her. She’s a father working while cancer eats away his insides, to bring home one more pay check. She’s a twelve-year-old trying to mother her brothers and sisters because mama had to go to Heaven. She’s a switchboard operator sticking to her post while smoke chokes her and fire cuts off her escape. She’s all the unsung heroes who couldn’t make it but never quit. Come. Salute as you pass…”

Yes. Serious, unhappy at my failures, though I admit I am blaming either a random uncaring universe or perhaps a God who has decided I'm an entertaining plaything and who is trying to see what it will take to break me (we're there).

Though I admit one quibble with the passage: what is the victory in failure? What is the victory in working hard, struggling, and having it come to naught because you aren't good enough or strong enough? That almost seems a worse failure to me than giving up, at times - because you're a fool as well as a failure; you don't know when you're beaten.

I need a break. I need something to be easy. I need something good to happen. Yes, getting the branches dealt with yesterday was a good thing but it was not a FUN thing and it was hard work (I'm sore today). I need something that will make me happy without me putting in a very large effort on my part, and I need something unalloyedly good. Will I get that? I have no idea but this year has told me not to expect it.


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MAYBE the lesson all this crap is designed to teach me is I need to be more forceful about my needs. I politely e-mailed the committee chair asking to beg off. Got back an email basically saying "You're on the committee, good luck, this is because when we let people pick their committees in the past some people never filled out the forms and never served, so now everyone gets stuck with committees" (and once again: my campus punishes those of us who followed the rules)

I checked with another member to verify the workload; it's one of the most arduous committees.

I e-mailed the person back and simply said "I am drowning. If I am not let off this committee I will probably wind up in the hospital" because no joke, that is how I feel right now.

He let me off.

So maybe I've been too polite and not demanding enough in the past.

I'm still talking to my chair later on about getting some assistance. And I have an appointment with the CPA tomorrow - it will cost me a lot but at least it will be over. And I called Jackson-Hewett and told the "customer care*" specialist of my anger with them and why I was never using them again. I'm hoping MAYBE I will get at least a partial refund of the money I paid to have the taxes done.

(*I hate that term. It feels very euphemistic).

Someone might call me in a couple days.

I also have an electrician who is going to call me in a day or so to schedule a Thursday or Friday appointment to come out and he seems confident it's JUST the GFCI outlet and replacing it will fix everything.

But, I need a break. I need something to be easy. I have way too much on my plate and I'm tired and it's awful doing all of this with no backup whatsoever.

I keep thinking of the very end of "King of Hearts" - a movie we saw in English class in high school, for some reason - where, after several weeks of living in a pleasant town run by asylum inmates, Alan Bates goes back to reality....and he winds up walking up naked to the door of the asylum, holding a birdcage, hoping to be let in.

And I know, I know. But I very much want to be taken care of for a while. I am just so tired. And so many bad things keep happening.