I'm already tired

This feels like it's going to be a long semester.

I have a couple of - let's be charitable and say, "strong personalities" in my classes, and they are "strong" in a way that my personality tends to be quiet and reticent and I am going to find that difficult. In one case there may have been a veiled challenge to whatever authority I have, in a "how did you get this job, anyway?" sense.

I do not like that. I do not like walking in to class and having to feel like I have to justify my existence. I am too blasted old for that now.

And yes, I know: "you hold the power" except I don't, not nearly as much, in the new student-centered world, where Prof. Kingsfield would either have been forced into retirement or sent for endless "sensitivity" sessions.

And yes, I strive to be kind and good and all that stuff, but I get the feeling this semester may also include some....I don't even know what you call it, ninja interpersonal skills? Like, being able to deflect criticism and all that? Argh.

I hope I'm wrong.

And I have a couple of disengaged people who haven't done some of the work that they needed to have done, and they seem not to be paying attention, and I get that (sigh) slight sense of resentment off of them, of "why do we have to be here"

I also have someone who has not shown up in one of my classes yet and yes I have reported them but these things grind slowly and I don't know what will happen.

In the midst of this, the idea of teaching next summer has been floated to me again. Apparently there are several people wanting to take a class in the summer. Not ten, and I'm NOT teaching for adjunct pay again, no way. I have a couple weeks to decide; someone could be hired on an adjunct basis who would do it for adjunct pay*

(*And then there's the ethical dilemma: Do I, closer to the end of my career and not *really* hurting for money, suck it up and teach for adjunct wages, maybe allowing the other person to take a better job? Though then again their spouse is a pediatrician, so I am guessing they are doing at least as well as I am...)

Then again: if I start teaching summers HERE again, and there's demand, maybe there's less of a push for me to go over to China in 2020 and teach there? (And yes, it's going ahead. And no, I do not want to go, not for all the tea in...well, you get the idea. I just....I am a bad traveler and I don't like unfamiliar places where I can't leave easily and I don't like the idea of being away from home for seven weeks, not especially now with parents in fragile health. And my own health isn't as robust as it once was and I worry a lot about my allergies and asthma these days - especially the minor-grade food allergies (and the major-grade Aspergillus allergy; I was once told a heavy exposure could put me in the hospital)

Then again: if I "prove" myself willing to teach in summers again, might not there be more pressure to do it there?

This chessgame has too many dimensions for me...

So I'm tired. I'm trying to write an exam and I think instead of trying to stay over here and read on "Forcing the Spring," I'm gonna take it and go home once this exam is written, and put on my pajamas and curl up on my bed with some knitting and try to read THERE instead.

But I have a feeling I'm going to have way more interpersonal interactions of the kind I don't like this fall, and that makes me tired.

I've already promised myself that for every month (maybe even every week) I go without blowing up in an unprofessional way, I get some small treat. Either a vintage Pony under $10 (some of the baby ponies can be had for that) or a bit of yarn, or something....because this semester is going to be long and I'm already tired and somewhat-stressed, what with all the stuff going on with my parents.


I may also just plan on trying to sleep more. I don't know.

I've already decided that this weekend, if I'm not out in the field OR it's not bucketing down rain (and I may well not be out in the field because of heavy rain from what's left of Gordon, which means total change of plans), I'm going to make a run to at least JoAnn's and the bookstore and also do some bigger grocery shopping. (I also need to figure out a salad for the CWF salad supper. I'm doing the bean and corn salad for AAUW, and I'm not sure I can bear to eat that again four days later. I might do a fruit salad....)


Edited to add, once I was home for the day:

I'm tired. I'm just so tired. Beyond dog-tired. I'm to the point where everything, every fake outrage people are raging about just makes me want to lie down and (figuratively) die. Everything seems stupid right now. I can't care about the whole Nike thing and the people who are upset about it. I can't care about any of that other stuff. I just can't. I don't have the headspace. My own life is coming at me too fast and too hard and I have too much stuff to do.

Honestly, the people who are always finding stuff to be so angry about that isn't directly affecting them? They should get down on their knees and thank whatever deity they believe in for having such an easy life that they have the time and the energy to worry about people they will never meet. 

I think I noted the other day that someone I knew from church - he in fact served as the "outside of department" person on my promotion committee - has been diagnosed with another tumor, this one in his good lung. And the wife of the minister of my parents' church has been re-diagnosed with cancer.

And while my dad's doing better, it's still a long haul, and my mom says he's getting sick of being in the rehab center and I can totally understand that and I really hopes he progresses fast so he can go home soon, and that they can get someone to come to the house to keep doing PT with him.

Another reason I am feeling worn and sad, without revealing too much detail: someone I thought of as one of my department's real success stories in recent years was fired from a good job - through no real fault of their own; it seems more a supervisor was trying to cover their butt, but I feel like even what little good I've done in the world is being undone now, and I admit that has preyed on my mind probably more than I should let it these past few days, but, yeah: if my only legacy in this world is helping people move on to good careers, and then those careers are taken from them, why was I even born? Why am I even here?

The sad, lonesome, rejected 13 year old, the girl who feels like she has no friends and that everyone is secretly laughing at her, is really really close to the surface today. And at the same time, my inner adult is telling me I'm being unfair to my friends who DO love me for feeling like that because they do love me even if they aren't always there telling me or showing me that they do.

(forgive any typos. I am tired also kind of teary right now)

It's just so hard. I find it hard dealing with other people. I feel like I often say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing or am not smart enough or tough enough to make it.  How do people manage? How do people get through life without constantly second-guessing themselves? I do a lot better online where I can type stuff out and can stop and think for longer before I "say" anything, than I am at thinking on my feet. (Maybe that's why I sometimes get a student who thinks I'm not too bright - I am not that good at thinking on my feet, especially when someone is arguing with me)

I know this will pass, and I know a lot of this is related to some of the confrontational interactions I had today - but I also know I'll have to get used to it, because there are something like 13 weeks left in the semester and I'll have those same people for those 13 weeks. And I know some of this is my own stuff, my own feeling inadequate when I probably am not, but....