what a day

Lesson: never say "It's nothing I can't handle."

I almost couldn't, today.

First up: didn't get up to exercise. I was tired and had a cramp in my knee again. (I don't know either). Got over to school at the normal time, prepped for my new class (which took most of the 2 1/2 hours before it), also prepped as far as I needed to for my other class, fixed up the exams for Thursday. Also re-read a bit of the thesis that made up the bulk of my work for today.

Taught my first class. That went fine, but it pretty much always goes fine. The students are mature enough, they need it to graduate, it's practical information.

Second class, not so great. The students are less-mature and I have a couple of sports-stars (sort of) who tend to talk and giggle through it and I am just DONE with stopping and glaring at them or saying stuff. It falls on deaf (or rather, uncaring) ears.

The thing that bugs me so much is this: why do a couple of stupid, immature 18 year olds so easily bring my emotionally-wounded 13 year old - that girl who ate her lunch in a dark corner of the lunchroom, alone, because no one would sit with her. I'm nearly 50, dammit, and I should not be feeling this. Oh, I'm good at covering it up, I'm good at "just keep swimming," or "Never look back, walk tall, look fine." I do a LOT of dissembling at the front of a class. Never about what I'm teaching - I'm honest there. But about what I'm feeling.

Had a couple people at the end who needed me for stuff, took care of that. Ran home for lunch, read more of the thesis, did a little piano practice. Ran back to school, finished the thesis re-read, didn't have time to water the field plots like I was supposed to (I hope they're okay. I really do. They were too damp yesterday to be watered and I really thought I'd have time, but I did not have 20 minutes even when I was on campus and the sun was up and I wasn't needed for something).

The big event of the day was a Master's Thesis defense - not my student but I was on his committee. I banked on it taking an hour to an hour and a half.

It took two and a half hours. I had told the folks up-front I HAD to leave campus shortly before 6, and I still managed to, but I was also kind of counting on having a FEW minutes between.

Anyway. The good news is that the student handily passed. The bad news is - I still suffer from Imposter Syndrome. I sat there at times feeling very stupid because the project is slightly out of my area of expertise and some of the sampling techniques are not the kind I use, and I kept sitting there stuffing down the panic of  "they will find out that I don't know that much" coupled with "they will suspect I don't know anything if I don't ask enough questions or deep enough questions."

I guess I was okay in that the guy's advisor once or twice sucked on his teeth and quietly said, "Ooh, that's a tough question" when I asked something, but yeah - kind of in a lowgrade panic the whole time.

I'm sure part of it was feeling insecure already because of those goofballs in my earlier class, and part of it was just being tired from having taught two long classes.

But also, I admit, I worried about fitting everything in. At one point I thought, "If we're done in the next half-hour, I can still go out and water" but that time passed fast.....and we walked out of there at quarter of six. And then I had to race to the restaurant to pick up the pizzas for the Youth Group tonight. I walked in with them at five minutes of six - the thing starts at six. I had had no time to buy the ice cream I planned to go with the apple crisp I made for dessert.

Someone said "Oh, the pizza's here" or maybe they said "finally here" because that's kind of what I heard and I wanted to cry a little at that point because I was so tired and I hate so hard having to run late at everything. The group leader assured me there was no need to run back out and get ice cream, so I didn't.

Got home. Exhausted, wanting to cry a little. There's a piece of mail addressed to my street address but the recipient is supposed to be a Leota Bishop and I don't know. There's no return address and I suspect it's junk mail (I can faintly see "Medicare Supplement" on the inside through the envelope) and I don't know what to do - return to sender won't work, no return address (I thought it was illegal to send out mail without one) and I looked in the phone book to see if maybe she had an address but there is no Leota Bishop in my town who is in the phone book and I don't know. I don't have the time or energy to take it to the post office any time in the near future. I don't want to throw it out in case it's actually important but....I don't know. (I can't open it: that would violate Federal Law).

And yeah, when I'm tired and frustrated little things like that look much bigger than they actually are. I suppose I can write "No one by that name here" and put it back in the mailbox but....what if my identity has been stolen and this is just a harbinger of it? Or what if some little old lady is confused somewhere and isn't getting her mail and it's because she wrote down the wrong address? And I don't know.

And dinner. I knew I had to eat (by this point it was 6:30). I wasn't hungry, but I knew if I didn't eat my evening dose of meds would tear up my stomach. I played with the idea of just drinking a glass of milk and calling it good. (How I wish there was a proper food delivery service in my town, but there's just pizza, and commercial pizza is too salty and also the crust is too hard for my poor teeth, so....) I wound up heating up some red cabbage and making a bowl of buttered noodles, which I guess is dinner of a sort...

but yeah. Nights like this I wish I had a Fritz Brenner or someone who could just look at me and go, "You're tired, I'll fix something" and, since this is my fantasy, they'd know exactly what I needed to eat without even asking me.

And I can tell I'm just tired. (Sad - only two days after coming off break). I kind of snarled at the tv when an ad for some new show (apparently Shemar Moore left "Criminal Minds" and is now in his own show? About a SWAT team or something) and anyway, the ad quoted the old Gandhi line about "be the change you want to see in the world" and I've been trying to do that for AT LEAST 30 years and it's had not effect and I'm tired and you know what? Someone else needs to take up that burden for a while because I'm done with it.

And I have a muscle twitch in one of the muscles up by the left side of my jaw (well, above it - closer to the temple) and I don't know if it's just stress or overwork or if something else is going on and I hate that weird fluttery feeling in the muscle that happens randomly a couple times an hour, but I'm afraid to go to the doctor about it and anyway I don't have time. And it's probably just a muscle, and what would she do? Tell me to drink more water and try to deal with stress better, and if it doesn't go away, she'd refer me to someone who does Botox so I can get  a dozen painful little shots to try to paralyze it....Ugh.

I have no one to vent to who cares so I have to vent here.