possibly unpopular opinion

A trope on Twitter (I don't know, maybe it's too grand to call it a "trope") is the Share Your Unpopular Opinions thing.

And I have a few. Though I find many opinions I have that I think will be unpopular are shared by many.

But here's one, as we ramp up to the holidays: Using a big family dinner or gift-giving occasion as a time to shame or try-to-instruct others to your opinion isn't cool.

Everyone's got so pointy all of a sudden. And for people who don't have a horse in the race, or who can genuinely see both sides of an opinion, it can be uncomfortable.

(I remember a family reunion where two sides of the family were arguing the then-current topic of "what is the Catholic church's general culpability when priests do wrong?" I am not Catholic, I felt I did not know enough of church hierarchy or history to want to stick an oar in....and yet I had to sit there and listen to one side defend the priests and the hierarchy, the other side basically saying "it's all hollow and wrong" and they never DID come to a resolution. If it hadn't been raining out I would have decided to go for a walk...)

Anyway. I saw someone advocating either buying "instructive" books (instructive of their side of an argument) or making donations to a charity THEY supported in the name of the family member who was, in their opinion, a wrong-thinker.

And, you know? In my mind, that just keeps compounding the wrong. Doing something that will likely insult one family member may wind up affecting others with are totally neutral or even sympathetic to your side. No one likes to witness a scene at a holiday; no one likes to be stuck in a house with two people who are quarrelling or giving each other the silent-treatment, ESPECIALLY not at a holiday time where there may be nowhere else to go*

(*Okay, maybe SOME people like that kind of drama, but I sure don't).

I think it's a jerk move kind of on a par with giving your overweight sister a diet cookbook or a gift certificate to join a gym (Unless she has ASKED for something like that, of course). It's saying "I think I know better than you do, and I'm going to co-opt a holiday to say so" And in some cases, it's "because I have an audience now."

Look, I get that for many people Christmas is a largely secular holiday that doesn't have any deeper meaning than "eating too much and presents," but for some of us, it does have a deeper meaning; it's a sacred time, and frankly, it's offensive to see someone apparently wanting to make it all about them, whether it's a "I'm going to signal my own particular virtue by giving very pointed gifts" or "I am choosing unilaterally to give donations to causes I support in your names instead of giving gifts, though I will not tell you that in advance, so you will probably still give me stuff" (yes, I have heard of that happening) or the old "Let me decide abruptly that this year I am not going to give gifts without giving Fair Warning" and then acting surprised when people are disappointed.

Negotiating families can be hard; not giving fair warning if you are changing traditions is a jerk move. ESPECIALLY if it involves you getting but not reciprocating; it's hard not to see that as anything but slightly selfish.

But also, the unasked-for didactic gifts: that's almost worse than the immature and awkward gift-giver who buys something they would like for that other person, and it turns out it's not something the other person likes. Because the "didactic" gifts also show intention: I am doing this because I know what's best for you rather than merely "I don't know but I like video games so maybe my grandma would like a video game?" or even the sneakier, "I want this and I kinda think the other person won't want it so I can either use it or maybe even claim it back later."

But whatever. Maybe I put too much effort into looking for gifts other people will enjoy and use, I don't know. But I think taking a holiday and making it about your particular issue is disappointing for everyone else around you. (Especially the people who work hard at their jobs and get little time off, and they have to spend their holiday hearing about your hobby horse...)