The weekend knitting

 The most noticeable progress was on the current gradient socks

It's a nice yarn, it knits up well. It's not a singles but it looks like it because the plying is very fine and subtle.  I have another inch or so to go on the legs before I start the heel flap.

The other ball is identical so if I'm careful I will get identical socks. 

I have to keep this short because I need to do the PT stretches tonight. I didn't do them last night and I can feel it today. I also just generally hurt - I've been very tense for various reasons and my shoulders hurt

I didn't sleep well at all last night. I think all of the various worries I had came to a head and I couldn't get my mind to quiet down. (I think I may also have to put "All Clear" - which I started right after finishing its prequel, "Blackout" - to the side for a bit because it is a tension-generating novel; you worry about the time travelers and how they're going to fare, and just hearing about the bombings in London is stressful. I do have a book on molluscs that might be more restful). 

Unfortunately, when I'm tired I just usually get grouchy and unfocused and don't do well at work, unlike Muffin:

it's funny to see how they managed to make the "drunk character behaving oddly" trope family friendly by making Muffin just VERY tired (she is at the stage where she is giving up napping).

I am hoping maybe I'll sleep better tonight. I don't have to get up QUITE so early tomorrow; part of the problem is when I have an early wake up time I think about it and don't sleep as well, waking up every hour as morning approaches and having to check my phone for the time.

some disconnected thoughts

 This was another very long week, and I need to go in for at least an hour tomorrow - I need to start writing the background for the project I'm working on (provided it ever rains again and I can do my last few sampling periods, not much point in trying to find invertebrates in totally dry surface soil)

* They're apparently rebooting Beanie Babies and at least making a line of them that are styled like the original ones from the 90s. And I looked up a photo online:

As I said on Bluesky, looking at that picture makes me (weirdly) feel a sense of peace. I remember the very first days of these things - I think I still have the hippo that was one of the original ones, that I bought around 1992 or 93, when I was in graduate school. There was a little gift shop (and maybe also florist? They've long since closed...) that was a short walk from campus and some days when I needed to clear my mind I'd walk to the little downtown and go to the gift shop, or to Babbitt's Books, or to The Garlic Press.

No, I don't plan on ordering any but I also admit if I were in a shop and saw that seal (the green and yellow one in the back) or the blue horse, or maybe the blue moose, I might buy it. Just to have, you know. 

(I also remember when people "invested" in these and the big question was to cut off the tags or not. I mostly did and I've probably lost most of them, but then again - these sell on Etsy for not any more (and in some case less) than what you originally would have paid. 

(Then again....the people who bought Tesla stock or those monkey NFTs thought they were getting a good investment)

* I went to the farm store today. This is the store where they have locally raised beef and pork, and some vegetables in season. The beef freezer was empty today (I knew that - they send out weekly e-mails letting people know what they have) but I got a pound of frozen bulk pork sausage (as I remember, I had a casserole recipe - or maybe something like a grits-based dish - that calls for it) and some frozen smoked sausages. (There is a butcher in Muenster, Texas, that specializes in doing pork, including some of the German recipes). And I got some green beans to cook up, maybe to cook lightly and then "pan sear" in the way that Chinese restaurants do them; they're good that way. 

They also advertised they carry a few bulk-type groceries now. It was mainly dry beans and a couple types of flour. I'd love to see them expand to having dairy, and maybe more baked goods (they were out of the artisan bread today)

I dunno. I'm still looking for rat-cage enrichment. That helped, a little. 

* I rewatched "Raya and the Last Dragon" tonight (it was on, had it on mostly in the background). I still cry at the bit before the end....

(Spoiler alert, but I suspect most people who will watch this already have)

The point where each of the characters - each a representative of one portion of the mythical southeast-Asian-flavored country where this takes place* - decides to trust the others, and combine their bit of the gem in the very faint (it seemed) hope of defeating the evil force that has turned most of the population to stone....and in doing so, giving up the protection of their piece, they turn to stone, too. 

I am a sucker for stories of self-sacrifice (I am also a sucker for stories of genuine repentance/redemption). But I noticed something tonight that stopped me and made me cry a little. Each character, as they essentially decided to (possibly) give up their life, walked over and laid a hand (or in one case, hugged the leg of a taller character) on the others. So they wouldn't be alone, I guess.

and that kind of thing, it does get me. 

I mean, yes, it ends happily (it's PG at worst, I think, and I doubt Disney would repeat the mistake they made with something like "The Black Hole" - a movie I was taken to as a kid because "Disney, it has to be fun" and like a lot of kids of my generation, was mildly traumatized by it). But the idea that IN the story, the characters don't know, they have to trust, ,first each other, and then that things will work out right. 

(*yes, I know, some folks didn't love it, and I've heard critiques of the way it was set. But then again - Avatar the Last Airbender was set in a made-up Asian like location, and lots of their stories were in fake European countries)

* And yes, trust. I think we've lost a lot of it in this country. And similarly, we all feel the need to be so guarded. I was thinking earlier today about how a lot of us were mocked when we were younger for showing vulnerabilities (anything from crying in public to expressing that you liked some movie or song that other people thought was "cringe") and I think if you experience that enough, you kind of close off to protect yourself.

And some people, like me, kind of just stop sharing. I've had people tell me that in "person" (or "in real life," whatever you will) it's hard to get to know who I am because I do tend to be kind of closed-mouth about a lot of things. 

Some things - like a relative's recent diagnosis with an autoimmune disorder - I don't reveal because I'm afraid I might start to cry (it's something I've been carrying in my heart for a couple weeks now) and also there's not really a lot anyone else can do.

Other things, yeah, I am afraid of someone mocking me as cringe, or, what's almost worse to me, the sort of polite failure to understand why I care about that thing, and that uncomfortable silence where I know they don't know what to say, because either they don't understand or don't agree. 

And so, sometimes it is easier to keep one's mouth shut.

But what's almost worse, I think, are the people whose defense mechanism it to mock, or to take a surface view of everything, to be sarcastic and to never show a genuine emotion. And I wonder if a lot of the Online Stuff is a reaction of this - basically, scared children (even though in adult bodies) who are trying to avoid their feelings being hurt by trying to hurt others first, or at least, to belittle everything.

And I think a lack of ANY sincerity is bad for us, too.

But I also can understand it: so many of us have been hurt by rejection that we try to avoid it. So some, like in my case, basically avoid a lot of human contact, but others may be the reason we avoid that contact.. I don't know. 

* And then this came up in a tumblr that I read some times, and yeah, I feel this:

"When you became a marked person" - that both hurts, and I know it's ridiculous, and yet, I remember having wondered as a kid if I DID have an invisible mark on my forehead or something encouraging people to bully or mock me. 

And yes, I know what that poster is saying isn't REALLY true, but sometimes, it FEELS true. 

At any rate: it's been a hard week.

a possible aurora?

 So there was a huge solar storm/coronal mass ejection, and they were saying "much of North America will see an aurora borealis" here (and of course the rest of the world above a certain latitude or below a certain latitude).

I didn't think I would - I am roughly at the same latitude of Morocco, close to 30 degrees North.

But a mutual on Bluesky, who is on the Carolina coast, exhorted me to try.

Well, okay. I was in my pajamas but I put on shoes and stepped out on the porch. I had to turn off my porch light and at the streetlight on the corner.

Also,, you have to take a longer exposure picture; it's harder, I guess, for your eyes to pick it up. Which makes it hard because you have to keep the camera steady.

I got an initial, not very good picture. The dark blobs are my holly bush:

Well, maybe there's a LITTLE pink there, hard to tell. 

So I decided to try the backyard, which is away from the street lamp (even if the light on my garage was at my back, I didn't feel like going back in to turn it off. I would have if what I saw was more impressive). 

I had to use my cell phone flashlight - I don't like walking in the dark on my dodgy knee, and it's easy to roll an ankle on all the pecans that have come down on the drive. And the last thing I wanted to do was re-injure myself.

Yeah, MAYBE

All there is is some pink - no green or lavender like people further north were getting in their photos. But I guess I can see that I saw it. (I saw an aurora once before, almost 30 years ago, when I was up visiting my uncle's family at their beach house in Cathead Bay north of Traverse City).

Still,, it's something?

I was thinking this week what I lack, the thing that's been getting me down - back during the worst of the pandemic I referred to it as rat-cage enrichment: getting out to do something new and different. Like, going to a museum I've not been to, or going somewhere I've never been. Yes, there are the places to shop in Sherman, but that's kind of the same as it always was - what I want is something new, and an EXPERIENCE rather than the chance to buy more stuff. 

The complicating factor is that most things are far away (or are, for example, Dallas, a place I won't drive) and when you work a solid five (and sometimes part of a sixth) day a week, getting out to do things is hard.

I'll have to think of things. Part of the problem is there's a lot of emptiness (pasture land and Corps of Engineers land) around me, and not a lot of things, and I am programmed to not just drive without a clear goal. 

I mean, I suppose I could go to the farm store tomorrow if I get out of my meeting soon enough and see if they have any different vegetables I could eat, or go to the Amish store on Saturday morning. 

But one thing I do miss about living in a bigger area with more cultural stuff are the funny little museums (or the nice big museums with fun gift shops and rotating displays so you can keep going back and have new stuff to see).

I suppose lots of people live without that, but then a lot of those people have families to serve as distractions from the horrors of the world these days.

***

My yarn from North Carolina came. This is a shop in Ashville - Purl's Yarn Emporium - that I wrote about the other day

 

Two different sides because it is different. I *think* it will stripe but I'm not sure. I'll have to think about the best pattern for it - maybe just something with a cable down the front. Or maybe I make mitts out of it.

Tuesday evening things*

 *Another meeting filled week. I got a few rounds done on the lace socks ("Dragon Breath socks") after my meeting. But they're coming along slowly. 

* I got to the point in Black Out where (spoiler warning) the three time travelers in 1940 Britain found each other again. And it's funny how much relief I felt at that; it's easy for me to forget they're fictional people, I guess.

I still don't know if they'll get back home and one of the women (Polly, maybe it was?) is worried that something terrible happened in 2060 Oxford and there's no one left to BRING them back. I presume that will be resolved in the second volume ("All Clear") but it definitely engenders a trapped feeling.

At least they're not alone now. At least they have someone they knew from before. 

Connie Willis' writing has made me cry more than once; I think the themes she addresses are things important to me (the feeling of being included in a group, knowing what's going on and not having to figure it out on the fly) or things I worry about (being stranded somewhere all alone and not knowing how to get help if i need it). 

* Nervously watching the progress of the hurricane, thinking of all the people under its threat - the original owners of the closest thing I have to a local yarn shop retired to Zephyrhills (I hope they got out and are somewhere else) and a friend from church has several relatives who apparently chose not to evacuate (they live inland and towards the south end, but it looks like the hurricane's path is changing slightly). Really hoping it weakens a bit but I doubt it will. 

* I don't know if I mentioned ordering a skein of hand dyed sockyarn from Purl's Yarn Emporium in Asheville, NC. I had seen somewhere (maybe on Bluesky) that they were safe, and their warehouse could still send out orders, and the person who posted it noted that people buying from them NOW would help them survive - normally they do SAFF, a fall fiber festival, but that's not happening this year.

So I thought, well, one skein of yarn won't do much for them, but at least it's symbolic. (A lot of things were sold out so I wondered if a lot of people were ordering). And I signed up to get their e-mails - if it's nice yarn (it's due here on Friday) I could order from them again once things settle down.

Well, today they sent out a happy e-mail: they are reopening, despite having dodgy internet and no actual running water (they have a way of keeping the bathroom sort of going) and they will have snacks and bottled water, supplies permitting, and wifi as long as theirs stay on, and they want to serve as a bit of a community hub.

And also: "People bought over $5000 worth of gift cards, and donated many of them for use by locals who need a little pick-me-up." which makes me happy to read. And also: "...we sold so much yarn in two days that we covered October, including typical SAFF sales."

So they'll keep going for at least a while yet. And with so many yarn shops closing, I have a self-interest in some I can mail order from keeping going (And they have a lot of unique stuff - many of their yarns are dyed in-house or in the region, and they have interesting bags - I originally was going to order one of those but the ones I wanted were all sold out). 

But yeah, it's probably gonna be decades before Asheville comes back the same way it was. And I see stuff like this, and feel sad, because.....I'm 55. If too much of the "good stuff" I didn't get to experience before gets damaged to the point it might be 40 or 50 years before it's back......well, I won't get to experience it. And that does scare me a little, that we'll lose so many things for various reasons that there won't be anything left for me to do or enjoy. And yes, I know that's a selfish sentiment given how many people don't have a home left, or lost loved ones, or have a massive clean up ahead of them. But I'm not just talking about severe weather; I'm also talking about things like "contractions" in the craft industry where there's just less yarn and fewer books out there, or forces in our culture right now (The whole blasted "monetize your hobbies" thing of a few years ago - which makes you hate your hobbies, then, and also it's tremendously difficult to make any real money at that sort of thing, especially with cheap import versions of everything). And I don't know. I won't say it's the conservatism of age because I find myself becoming less-so in certain ways as I get older, but I do worry that we've reached a point where Money and Power and Fame (even TikTok fame) are our gods now, and things like relaxation and enjoyment and relationships are getting pushed aside. And THOSE are the things that will save us, at least spiritually and mentally. 

I don't know. I do also know a lot of people struggle and can't make ends meet and I am more squeezed than I once was as far as money is concerned (I still did find the money to give to Week of Compassion and also a carefully-vetted ecumenical group in the Asheville region helping with recovery, and I suppose I'll dig down again to donate for the post-Milton recovery). 

I don't know. I think of an older (now deceased) man at church, who commented "what is going to become of us?" in 2016 when....well, all the politics was happening. And I wonder that a lot myself. 

* I cut my knitting (and Bluey-rerun watching) time short this evening to do the PT stretches. I admit I slightly resent, when I have so little 'free' time, having to take 20-30 minutes of it to do stretches, which are frankly boring. But I need to keep up with it; it's been easier to walk without pain  when I do them at least a few times a week,, and I do want to avoid surgery on that knee at all costs. It seems like strengthening those muscles is a way to ensure that. 

I also HAVE to start going to bed earlier; I find I'm not getting enough sleep.

the trip out

 I don't NEED more yarn (as I regularly remind myself) and yet, buying yarn is one of the ways I feel cared for? I mean, I know that's a fairly dysfunctional form of self-care, but whatever.

Anyway, I needed to get out and do stuff (including going to the natural foods store) so I went out Saturday midmorning after doing some grading

Denison was having a fall festival; I was misled on how much of the Main Street corridor it was going to occupy - I thought it was just going to be the north half, but it crossed the street and was around the Katy Depot. It was hard to get around (lots of streets closed, both for the festival, and some were just torn up*)

Eventually though I found a spot on the other side of the building, near a sports bar type restaurant (which was open, but it was early enough there was no lunch crowd yet)

The yarn shop wasn't busy. A couple people peeked in and out, I hope this doesn't mean they won't make it. (They do offer classes which may be well attended, I don't know. And they sell online). Already I'm losing Quilt Asylum; not sure I will deal well with losing one of the very few other businesses that is a fun and nice place for me

At any rate, I did my part to keep them afloat a little while longer:

A skein of Smooshy with Cashmere in the color Water Dragon (sort of Monet colors), a skein of a yarn of an unfamiliar brand in a green speckle. Both probably for socks, though I could see a shawlette out of the Water Dragon. 

And a copy of Knitting Van Gogh. It's rare enough these days I find a new knitting book that's remotely affordable (A lot of them are art books in the $60 range now). This one is nice; Van Gogh is probably my favorite painter** and there are lots of projects in here, from the simple and adaptable (A peasant-type cap, which may be the first thing I make: it takes one 400 g skein of sockweight yarn and is knit in such a way that you essentially fold it double so it's warmer) to the very complex and probably requiring specialized yarns (a really lovely blanket reflecting one of his landscape paintings). There are also some brioche knit items, something I have never learned to do. 

I didn't look at the WHOLE book - I know some shopclerks hate that - but I looked and saw enough to know I wanted it. I looked at it more last night at home.

There's a nice ombre top made with KnitPicks' Palette that I'd be tempted by except the big dolman sleeve style isn't so great for me.

But there is also a Van Gogh doll! which I might make, though I'd consider getting nice acrylics instead of wools - anything that sits on a shelf here, you have to be careful, because here in the south there are enough Critters (even if you're a more careful housekeeper than I am) that will eat things like that. 

And it's just a nice book to look at.

So I paid, and walked back out to my car, and realized something. 

This is the parking lot by the Green Growler. It's brick, and it's fairly uneven (I am guessing it dates to the early 20th c). And I remember how the FIRST time I came to the yarn shop's location here - their opening weekend - it was a month after I injured my knee, and I could BARELY make it across this, even with the four-footed cane, and it was intensely painful to walk across (as was the hard floor in the depot itself). 

This weekend? No discomfort.

I stopped for a moment to feel the gratitude for the fact that I'm almost entirely healed (and that if I keep up with the stretching, I can walk almost without any pain at all). 

After that, I had an unmemorable lunch (a salad and cup of mac and cheese at the Panera) and decided to hit Michael's before the grocery shopping. I didn't NEED anything but it's nice to look around

And I saw this, and first cringed and then chuckled. And took a photo, which I posted on bluesky with the caption 

"Angry Auntie Trixie Voice: 'MUFFIN CUPCAKE HEELER!""

I can't tell if the shelf just collapsed on its own, or if someone did that. At any rate, I don't envy the employee who has to reorganize that. 

And then I did my grocery shopping, and then back home.

(*we just LIVE with constant disruptive road construction everywhere. I've forgotten what it's like to get somewhere easily. Just like I've forgotten what it's like to walk into a grocery and find everything I need in stock. I don't know if it's just where I live, or if everything is just.....worse......now than it was like 15 years ago)

(** yes I know perhaps "basic," but I've loved his work since I first saw reproductions of it as a kid. And this never fails to make me cry, knowing how unhappy he was during his life and how he never received recognition)

war of sexes

 A couple weeks ago I did some cleaning in my dining room, once again freeing up full access to my cookbook shelves, so as I eat now, I glance through one of them

I have a LOT of cookbooks. In truth, I probably only really use four or five of them extensively, but I like having the other ones to look at. 

And something struck me looking through some of the older ones I have.

I have a number of cooking-for-one and cooking-for-two books.

The cooking-for-two books go back farther - the cooking for one ones seemed to mostly start being offered in the 1980s, when it seemed like it finally became plausible that a fully grown adult (a) might want to keep living alone and (b) wants to cook for themselves even though they are alone.

(Wait, no, I take it back: I have a copy of "Gourmet Cooking for One (or More)" by Robert Graham Paris that dates to the late 1960s. I bought it at the redoubtable Ann Arbor Public Library used book sale back when I was in college....)

Cooking for two books, though, go back at least to the 30s. And it makes sense: new brides would not have "little ones" (presumably) until at least a few months after the wedding, and even then - children don't eat the same food as their parents, or as much, for at least a few years. And of course even back then there were childless couples. And couples whose children had grown and left the nest. 

Sociologically the books are interesting. Some of the cooking-for-one books were written by either divorced or widowed women (the author of my much-used copy of "Going Solo in the Kitchen" was divorced) or in some cases by what used to be called "confirmed bachelors" (I *think* Paris was gay based on something I've read; one more recent cooking-for-one book I have, the author described some of his attractions to men in his circle. And yes, it seems the "for one" and "for two" books are a bit more personal, and the author may talk about their life)

But the books for married couples, where it's just the two of them, it's kind of interesting (and perhaps a bit sad, in one case).

One set of books I was looking at recently were these:

 

Same authors, note. The first one was based on the "I Hate to Cook" book by Peg Bracken, but with a "meals for two roommates' with also some party recipes. It's sort of a breezy early-to-mid 60s book, kind of a Mad Men type style (they talk about wooing ad executives!) 

A lot of the book is devoted to "the chase" with the note in several places that the "Old Charlie" who lives in the apartment downstairs will more likely become your mate than the investigative reporter, or the jet-setter, or the rich man. 

I've made a few of the recipes; they're decent, plain food. Easy to make, and small enough to be manageable for one person without having to do a lot of dividing of quantities. 

This one was one that came from the same Ann Arbor Public Library sale, back in the late 80s. I didn't even know of the existence of the sequel until a couple years ago and I started hunting for it when I learned about it.

I think I finally found it through Etsy? There are a couple folks on there who sell vintage cookbooks. Anyway, I was interested to see what they did with the trope.

One of the things I admit I sometimes think about is the alternate universe where I married and had kids. Or where I lived maybe five or seven decades earlier, and had HAD to marry as a way of having financial security (apparently in many states, women could not have their own bank accounts before the 70s). And I do kind of vaguely understand that 50s/60s housewife thing, in its most stereotypical form - not working, going out to play bridge one afternoon a week. If you didn't have kids - or had enough money for a maid or cleaner - you probably wouldn't have as much housework (my house gets pretty messy,, because I essentially fill both roles, of breadwinner and homemaker and it frankly is kind of a lot for one person) and you might be a bit freer to play bridge, and maybe be in clubs, or do volunteer work.

(I have read as the older generation of women die off, and more of my generation remain working/unretired, a lot of the work at churches and non profit groups is going to go undone, and some may fold. Well, I guess that's life? Depending on the goodwill voluntary labor of people in an economy where there is increasing pressure to do more and more paid work, is a bad gamble)

And that her main "circle" was serving.....both the volunteer work, but also caring for children (if she had them) AND FOR HER HUSBAND. 

In the Kragen/Perry married-couple book, there's a lot of that uncomfortable 1960s married humor, where it feels like it borders on "I low-level dislike my spouse some times and they are a burden to me" and yeah, I get it - if you're in a society where your choice as a woman is probably marriage or penury and living in a boarding house, you'll put up with a lot for financial security. But it makes me sad. 

There's also talk of having to "coddle the creature" - I guess the "man cold" has always been a joke women make. 

And this raises for me an uncomfortable fact that I see in my own life, even though I am not cooking or cleaning for anyone but me: women seem to be expected an awful lot to take care of other people's feelings, and maybe have theirs unmet.

Because that's not just when you're a 50s housewife.

I often see this in my own life. I have a couple *very* anxious students this semester, and I wind up doing a LOT of reassuring of them.. And I find myself asking myself again: "quis consolator consolator?" (from Google Translate, so that may be incorrect). 

But yes, a lot of the time I spend so much time and effort soothing other people's feelings that I come home and I have nothing left for myself. And even talking to my mom on the phone....I find with my dad gone, I often fall into that verbal-consolation role for her. (I think I see now where my anxiety came from). And while on some level I'm glad I can be of service like that.....on another, there are times I really want, as I've said, for someone to sigh and calmly say "Babe, we're not going to run out of gas" (from a snipped on the weather channel, back when there was a bad winter storm near Atlanta, and they talked to a couple stuck in a traffic jam, and the woman was worrying they'd run out of gas before they could get home, and the man - her husband, I presume - sighed, and said, "Babe, we're not going to run out of gas")

And I do suspect perhaps back then, unless she had a really good female friend and confidante, or the sort of relationship with her mother where she could tell her everything, a lot of women lacked that and....just kind of soldiered on with their emotional needs a bit unmet.

But also, being expected to put up with your husband's lunkhead friends periodically showing up and needing to be fed, or him deciding he's going to jet off to go play golf somewhere and leave you at home to hold down the fort, or arrive home grumpy and expect to both be soothed and to be fed dinner RIGHT AWAY....that would make it harder and perhaps even lonelier than my coming home to an empty house at the end of the day, where at least the only person I have to feed is myself, and if I am displeased in my cooking effort I can sigh and either throw away the ruined food and eat a bowl of cereal instead, or I can shrug and to "it's not what I wanted but it's still food"

But yeah, I don't find the battle-of-the-sexes humor very funny.

Much nicer are some of the stories my parents used to tell about their early married days: dealing with the challenges together (when the movers dropped their nearly-new refrigerator on the outside stairs leading up to their new apartment, and they watched it literally roll down the stairs and come to rest at  the bottom) or doing fun things (apparently cooking together, and small grad-student dinner parties, were a thing - and they knew a few International students (a Japanese woman, and a couple from India), and as much as was possible with the limited availability of ingredients, learning to cook dishes from their cultures. More of an evenly-matched situation.

And that surely existed! And hopefully was more the rule than the exception. And one of the books I own touches on that:

Quick and Easy Meals for Two, by Louella Shouer

There are a LOT of recipes, ranging from the economical to the more luxurious, in this book. They're thematically arranged - a section for each season (And I think Shouer must have been an East Coaster; she refers to shad roe, something I have never even seen), a section of "party recipes," a section of international meals, a section of "Penny Pinching" meals (with the pleasant idea that maybe the cooks are saving money to buy their first house), a section of meals you can make with a very limited kitchen (a two burner hotplate and tiny fridge)....it's very useful. I've made a few things out of it and the recipes are solid if not fancy.

But one of the conceits of the book, that she mentions several places, is the idea of shared labor - that "whoever gets home first should start this dessert" or similar things.. The idea that the couple both cook, both take an active role, and share the labor. And to me, that's a lot cozier and happier than the woman doing the cooking and the man stomping home at 6 pm expecting to be handed a martini and not talked to until after dinner was over. That's more the sort of marriage I'd want if I had one - someone willing to share the load or at the very least, hang out in the kitchen with me and talk while I chopped vegetables or something. 

And yeah, yeah, I get it: if she's not working outside the home and he works long hours, maybe you make allowances for him. But the "Honeymooners" style marriage does seem very outmoded to me now; it was probably outmoded in 1959 when my parents got married. 

But one thing books like that "how to keep him" one remind me: being single isn't the worst thing.

I mean, probably the BEST (and maybe some of my married readers would agree) is having a compatible spouse you do things with, and where you can, like, kind of banter and joke back and forth while cooking or doing the dishes or whatever. Like I said, that seems cozy and happy. 

The next best is maybe a partner who isn't totally communicative, and maybe sometimes forgets it should be a partnership, but is basically decent and who does sometimes remember to bear their share of the work. 

And then, maybe, singledom? It's lonely some times and difficult some times, but like I said: on the rare evening when I get home and feel like "ugh, I do NOT want to make any food" I can either zap something from the freezer or even just fix a bowl of Cheerios and no one is going to look sad-faced at me (either because "I have to eat this slop, too?" or the more empathetic "you had a hard day so this is all you have the energy left to manage, poor thing")

But the worst would be a partner who was demanding - the "comes home at 5 pm, wants a cocktail and the newspaper/tv news, doesn't want to be talked to until well after dinner, expects dinner, what he wants, when he wants it" or even someone who was verbally (or worse) abusive.

I don't know. Being a human is hard. Some days I like to imagine it would be easier with someone else there but I also realize I have to recognize that often it *isn't* - several of the ladies from church I eat lunch with after church, they are all either widows or a couple are divorced - almost to a woman they say they wouldn't remarry* given the chance

(* or cohabitate without marriage. In some cases older couples are doing that now because apparently sometimes there are pension penalties if you remarry, which seems unfair to me)

But it is also kind of sad and lonely being alone a lot a lot of the time, and I feel like I'm maybe a bit more anxious and worried than I would be if I had someone there to talk to, and ideally, someone who COULD sigh kindly and tell me the equivalent of "babe, we're not gonna run out of gas" when I was worrying about something.

wanting some bright

 I did decide to start a new project after all. I had run across some of the yarns I had bought the past few trips to Quixotic Fibers, and found these two (matching) skeins of Gusto Wools "Echoes"

so I wound them off:

It's one of those semi-gradient yarns, where there will be very wide stripes of each color. The paired skeins are to make it easy to get matching socks.

For my own memory: I pulled off 2 yards worth from the purple outside and did the cast on with that; that will allow me to match them pretty well. 

I also cast on the standard 64-stitch fingering weight socks, and got some rows of the ribbing done. No color change yet:

I'm going to do the ribbing for maybe 2" and then change to stockinette. 

I also pulled off (but did not wind off) a silk blend in pale yellow for a pair of fingerless mitts. 

***

Continuing reading on "Blackout"

Last night, a bit of it made me cry, but in a good way. I can't really do this without some vague spoilers, but - the story centers around three time travelers, whose noms de guerre are Mike, Eileen, and Polly.

Polly is posing as a shopgirl in London, with the backstory she came from somewhere "north."

Of course she is all alone. She manages to find a furnished room with a somewhat-harridan of a landlady, and employment, and it seems like everyone is very strict and very short with her. And because it's the beginning of the Blitz, she winds up having to shelter in the basement of a church with a motley crew of others - the rector, and a man with a dog, and a couple of older ladies (one who knits*), and a couple young (20 something I guess) women, and a mother with three daughters, and a man she thinks at first is an aristocrat but turns out to be a Shakespearean actor.

(*very likely the age I am now is the age of one of those women....)

And she becomes friendly with them. And the actor calms the little girls during the worst of the alerts by reciting Shakespeare, and the mother tells them stories, and the young women talk about clothes and dances, and it's almost like a little family there.

And then one night she doesn't go there to shelter, and comes back, and finds the church destroyed, and assumes her friends are dead. (At that point I had to put the book down for a couple days).

Well, I just hit the point in the novel where Polly walks into an Underground station and finds one of the young women - still alive, fine, who presses a cup of tea and a sandwich on her. And the rector! And the mother and her three daughters! And the man with the dog! And even the actor! Everyone is okay!

and oh, it hit me hard. I think it's because I've lost a lot of people I loved this past decade, and I have had dreams where I encountered some of them again, and they were healthy and whole, and for a few moments it was so wonderful, until I woke up. (And yes, Polly thinks she is dreaming at first)

But also, the idea of the reunion. And Polly having friendly faces again after several days alone, thinking they were dead....so maybe I'm finally getting to the "hopeful" part of the book (and there is a second volume, called "All Clear," where I presume everything is finally put right).

But it struck me again, the power of a book, words on a page, to make me think and feel all the things that short passage did....

And Tuesday evening

 * Just kind of a long day. Taught my class, did some grading, went home for lunch, came back, did a couple hours research work. 

* I also got a new watchband for my Stitch watch - the buckle of the band had broken off. It took a while because the jewelry shopclerk really had to search for the right size - I got literally the last size 18 band they had there (I think that's the mm measurement of the place where the band hooks on). I went there even though I figured I'd pay a bit more because they're more helpful than the alternative (wal-mart) and I knew they'd put the band on for me (which can be tricky) and a lot of times the big-box stores are like "we're not allowed to do that"

* I finished "Death on the Cherwell" the other night. The basic story was good and I guess for that sort of thing it was fairly well-written, but the ending was slightly disappointing; they use a common trope in a lot of those 30s/40s British murder mysteries, where the perpetrator feels enough remorse (apparently) or doesn't want to go to trial, and so they take matters into their own hands....and it feels like justice has been cheated. (Also, the perpetrator was a character I might have found sympathetic).

The precipitating reason was something that was a scandal then, that likely would not have been seen as such now. 

* I also went back to reading Black Out. I found I didn't have to backtrack despite not having read on it for over a week - that doesn't often happen but I guess the characters and situations are memorable enough. That said: it still makes me slightly anxious because I wonder if and how the time-travellers will get home, and if everything is really "going to come right in the end" as the Vicar said. 

One of the characters is dealing with the sadness and horror of realizing a group of people she'd become friendly with ("contemps," or people living in the era she was visiting) were killed when the church basement they were sheltering in (and which she had sheltered in on a previous night) was bombed. 

It's kind of a hard read. Like I said, knowing Connie Willis and based on some foreshadowing things it will probably come out okay, but.....yeah, like life, you have to go through the hard parts. 

decorating for Halloween

 yes it's maybe a little early but tomorrow is October, and I had time and the motivation so I did it. I did the outdoor stuff on Friday, but then Saturday morning I put stuff up in the house

"Icicle lights" that don't icicle very well (and they're orange, so they don't look like icicles anyway) over the big front window

I also got out the "glam" spiders and found places to hang them up

I also hung the blinking (orange and purple) lights over the doorway from the entry way and to the dining room

And I got out the "critters."

The new "anatomically incorrect" skeletons, including the gnome and the two invertebrates, and the "My Little Bony" I already had, and some Japanese stuffed animals with a halloween theme

And some other critters, plus the photo of me when I dresses as "goth girl goes to prom" for a long ago party. (I haven't been invited to a party in AGES) (Also in the back there's a photo of me when I was like seven - an old school photo). And that's my glow in the dark 3-D printed octopus in the foreground. And they're all on a tea towel from Michael's.

week is over

 gave an exam today, so I did add a few more rounds to the moon-moth sweater. It's still in the "boring to look at" single color stage; when I get to the colorwork I'll have to figure out something new for proctoring knitting because that's too hard to focus on when you're watching an exam. 

I graded the exam (small class: seven students, one of whom was absent, one of whom has an extra time accommodation so takes the exams over at student-support) in the couple hours between classes. And I had a 1 pm meeting, which meant once again this week I had to bring a lunch.

When we got done, I did one other tiny bit of grading (a student who had been ill needed a short extension on something)

And then I went home, around 2:30. 

I wanted to clean house. I hadn't done a deep clean* in a while, and I thought, "well, you will be more comfortable if the clutter's picked up and you have the floors vacuumed and washed" and also the kitchen was kind of bad. 

(*well, as much as I ever "deep" clean; I know some people would find it a very sloppy clean). Put lots of stuff away, vacuumed the floors, then used those wet-cloth wipes to wash down the floors. Yes, even the sealed wood ones; the cloths are not so wet and it say it's okay for finished hardwood. I've done it for years and seen no damage)

I still wasn't done by 5:30, and this is the night I facetime my mom at 7, so I figured I needed to quick eat - and it was easier to GET something, so:

 My favorite pizza place (the mom-and-pop place in town), and they use my favorite pizza box design. 

And it was just a plain cheese. ("A lovely cheese pizza, just for me") but it's that New York style so plain cheese is fine.

After that I did do a TINY bit of Halloween decorating, just the outside stuff (tomorrow I might put up the orange-and-purple lights indoors, and I have a set of orange icicle lights I might try over my front window. And I have the "critters" to put up, and the moon-phases garland).

some of this is the same as I had last year:

But one thing is new! I saw this at JoAnn's and it amused me so much I had to get it. It's on a stake you push into the soil

"No worries, dude!" hahahhahahaha

I also put out the little "fall" flag. I can leave this one up until I do the Christmas stuff

My kitchen, dining room, and living room are fully cleaned (FSVO "fully") and the bathroom is part done; I put a few things in the bedroom away but if I have energy for it tomorrow I should do more. But at least the "public" rooms are a lot nicer now. 

It's hard to keep up with when some evenings I might have an HOUR of free time - and in that maybe need to fit in some piano practice and/or PT stretches. So sometimes it gets bad and then I have to clean harder. But at least it's cleaned now. 

My knee was hurting pretty badly from all the walking and bending (to pick stuff up, to scrub the bad parts of floors). I did have to get down on my knees to scrub up a bit of black-bean juice that I didn't see had spilled and dried on the floor. I could do it, I might be sore tomorrow. I did take a couple tylenol a few minutes ago so hopefully it won't hurt overnight. Perhaps in the long run it's good for me to keep using it; maybe I build the muscles up so they compensate for the damage, at least I hope so

two more rows

 I guess that's something at least.

Tonight I added two more rows to the purple thing. 

I'm just tired. It was after 5 pm when I got home - I got home a bit earlier but decided I had to wrap my niece's birthday gift and get it out to UPS (I decided to pay for "pack and ship," which was almost the price of the entire gift, but at least it was easier on me). I guess it was good I did it; the cheapest shipping will get it there two days before her birthday, and it matters to me it's there on time.

(Never mind that they're always late with gifts, and I haven't received a birthday gift two years running from them, it's still important to me my niece has a gift and it's on time). 

I taught only one class today, but beside that I wrote two exams and sorted one sample and met with a student who wanted some tutoring (hopefully she can bring her grade up; she also said she was using the other tutoring available through a central office). And had a faculty meeting where we had to listen to an edtech guy make his sales pitch (over zoom). When the meeting was first called I groaned to myself and said "if they expect us to use this I am simply going to refuse and remind people that I'm within striking distance of retirement" but AS IT TURNS OUT the guy was just so persistent with my chair that she apparently capitulated to make him stop calling and e-mailing. So yes, it wasted our time, but the conclusion is most of us don't want to use it. (The campus apparently already subscribes to it, so THEY STILL ARE GETTING THEIR MONEY whether we use it or not)

But it has been a long week again. And tomorrow I have a 1 pm meeting, supposedly brief, about something else, but I will have to decide: do I bring and eat my *fourth* Sad Desk Lunch of the week,, or do I wait until the meeting is over and go home and eat (and maybe be hangry as a result). Or maybe I take a snack in case I need it before the meeting and just plan on a late lunch at home. 

It's just.

Everything feels so busy right now, much busier than it should be. 

I do have a vague plan - if I get my grading done - to go home a tiny bit early and start some house cleaning, and then continue Saturday morning, with a hope to putting up the Halloween stuff after that. And maybe I'll be happier with some of the clutter gone. 

I do also have to prepare something for a potluck at church. The theme is "Italian" but I've decided to go rogue and get some berries and peaches (maybe frozen, if I can't find decent looking fresh ones) and make a fruit salad. I'll look about a bit for a possible dressing; I used to have a recipe for one but it took Cool Whip (blah) and was kind of involved. I'm wondering if something like a simple syrup, thickened with cornstarch and with lemon and maybe mint (if I can FIND fresh mint) would work. Or maybe I'll get lucky and find an "Italian" or "pseudo-Italian" fruit salad dressing or dessert sauce (I guess there's zabiglione but I don't know how involved that is or if it would be okay on fruit)

I had planned to get the flu vaccine tomorrow but I don't expect there will be time now (and I didn't schedule it anyway) so I guess I push that off another week. 

someday things have to slow down, right?

Wednesday night things

 * Had a committee meeting today. I won't give many details but we were dealing with anonymous complaints, some of which seemed rather petty to me, and I realized: perhaps a good side, if there is one, to my "not feeling heard" and often feeling as if my concerns are ignored? I'm a LOT more tolerant of other people's preferences, and more prone to feel, well, they seem to feel strongly about it and I don't.

Part of it is I dislike conflict. Part of it is I'm willing to (in aesthetic or procedural but not ethical matters) "go along to get along" and not talk much about what *I* want because then other people can get defensive.

and in a lot of cases? I genuinely don't care. Paint the office walls that color? Fine, whatever, I'm not going to argue white or eggshell, pick whatever you want, it's the same to me.

but also all the complaints and judginess get under my skin a little.

* Feeling kind of sad and wistful, missing some of the people I cared about who are now gone. Wishing I had more "new faces" in my life.

* Lots of things in the coming days that are things I have to attend but don't want to, and I feel like my time is going to be wasted, at a time when I'm already too busy.

* Saw today that I *am* getting the tiny pay bump for teaching an overload. Sadly, with the various withholdings, it works out to about an extra $150 a month. (I may see some of it back next spring as a tax refund. I don't have the energy to sit down and suss out how I could reduce withholding so that I have a net-zero bill; I increased it a while back when I had a small capital gain and was told I'd need to do quarterly estimated payments and I am not organized enough for that.

That said, I did take advantage of having a BIT more ready cash and ordered two skirts and dress from Snag; I really need a new black skirt and the green dress was cute. One of the items I bought was pre-order so I'm not sure if they'll send the in-stock stuff now or I if I need to wait. 

I am very tired of some of the clothes I have worn in heavy rotation while it's been hot, and a lot of my fall/winter stuff is worn out; some pieces are more than 20 years old. 

* I started reading that book on creativity last night. It's okay. It's not as inspirational as I hoped but it doesn't annoy me as much as I feared. I am not sure I believe his premise that everyone is an artist and that any making of something new (even just a from-scratch meal) is "art" because that frankly feels setting the bar too low.

The author also talks about tapping into the "Source" which I suppose one could interpret as the divine if one leaned that way but....I don't know. Maybe something's broken in me right now but it does feel a little bit precious.

As I said, I don't feel like an artist - I only ever follow existing patterns, I can't compose music or even improvise, so I'm just kind of.....doing the stuff as a hobbyist and it doesn't feel like art to me. 

Maybe I'd feel differently if I was finishing more stuff? Or sharing more with other people? Or if I weren't sort of burned out right now. 

Or maybe I set the bar too high for myself? I find myself being perfectionistic again, something I do when I feel bad about myself or the place I'm in - that stuff has to be perfect to "make up for the fact that it's ME doing it."  

* Sometimes I regret my silly purchases but I have to say the plushie dog from Little Softs (I talked about her here; I named her Calypso after the "kindy" teacher on Bluey) is not one. I have actually been sleeping some nights with her squished up against my chest and you know? YES it does make me feel happier and I sleep better.

I mean, I have slept with a stuffed animal since I was a kid; when I was in a dorm room/apartment as a college student where people might see my sleeping area I would keep them under the pillow so I didn't have to face ridicule but - now that they seem to be being promoted as "actually this cuts down on anxiety in some people" and I realize that may have been something I subconsciously knew for years, and just did, as a sort of home remedy for my tendency to over think and be anxious and sleep badly

* I am oddly feeling a desire to read some James Baldwin, but I don't know where to start. (I am asking for recommendations, yes). 

I thought I had read one of his novels but in fact what I read in high school was Native Son by Richard Wright, not "Notes of a Native Son" (Baldwin's book of essays). (I also read Wright's "Black Boy" but don't remember a lot of it). 

I don't know if I want a novel or essays (I guess Baldwin only wrote the one book of essays?) but I do want to try something to see if I like his writing. I know he wrote for some of the more-literary magazines of his day, and I tend to like that kind of writing.

a little self-care

 Not a great day for a couple reasons:

- the hive on my foot still hurts terribly, and it looks like the skin split right next to my fourth toe (what would be the ring finger if the ring finger were a toe). I had to take my shoes off while sitting at my desk to give it some relief.

- I found out that Quilt Asylum - the largest nicest quilt store anywhere near me - is shutting down. Their landlords are tripling their rent and telling them they must pay property taxes as well, and they can't do that. So the owner is retiring. And now I'm wondering: if all the landlords (Or if it's a case, as in some towns here, "the city is the landlord") are doing this, they're going to KILL their downtown. And then I lose one more place to go for fun

our downtown is almost dead. There's the gourmet shop and a fancy women's clothing place I generally can't afford, and an antique shop open irregular hours, but that's about it for shopping. The bookstore moved to Denison (I don't even know if they re-opened). Sherman has pretty much nothing but big-box stores. And then everything else is largely empty land around me for hours and hours of driving. So I am sad. 

- I also found out a student blatantly lied to me. In short: they did not show up to make up an exam. First they claimed they couldn't find my office. I sent an e-mail explaining. I sat there for an hour and a half after my office hours ended and the student never showed. Then this morning they claimed they STILL couldn't find it even with help. So I said "okay fine, if you can take it after class, I'll see if the secretary is willing to proctor it." And so, when I walked them into the faculty part of the building - through a set of double doors designed as fire doors and kept closed but always, always unlocked, the student said "oh, these doors were locked yesterday"

O RLY? At 2 pm? when people were going back and forth from their offices to the labs they were teaching? Really? REALLY?

In fact - I didn't even know if they HAD locks, and went back after I got back to campus to check. They do, but I have never seen them used, and I don't know if any of our keys work in them even. 

I didn't confront, I just said archly, "In the more than 20 years I've worked in this building, I have never known the doors to be locked" (And I have been up here late in some evenings, and on weekends)

NOW I wonder if "I couldn't find your office" was a lie, and now I wonder if "I was out sick and such and such office was supposed to e-mail you, but I guess they didn't" was a lie. 

Doesn't REALLY matter, I guess, given how things worked out, but I'm FURIOUS they thought I was that dumb and naive that I would accept two absolutely contradictory stories. 

And yeah, that kind of thing leaves me feeling very small. Maybe I need to become the kind of person who yells, and go to the student "NO this door is NEVER locked, don't LIE to my face, get out of here, you can't take the exam" but frankly, there is occasionally that Connected student who then brings down the wrath of an administrator on your head and it's Not. Worth. It. 

So once again in a way the liars and the dirty dirty cheats win (though not really in this case)

But it frustrates me to try to be an honest person with a code of ethics, and live in a world where people will blatantly lie, assuming I'm too dumb or too naive or too kind to do anything. And cheaters prosper; just look at the government. It sucks and it's discouraging and I'm about burned out on doing anything to "help" society but that puts me out, because I feel like I'd never have people do for me in the same way. 

So I was tired and sad and angry when I got home (after 5 pm again, because when I ran home for a quick lunch I forgot to take the bucket to collect the soil for tomorrow's lab, so I had to do it AFTER I got done with the grading and research-work I did up on campus after lunch). 

At first I was just going to eat some cottage cheese and fruit but thought "No. You need to cook something"

Fortunately, I have a quick black bean soup (it uses a can of the beans, plus a cup or so of chicken broth, and whatever seasonings you want - I used a sauteed shallot and some of Spice and Tea Exchange's carne asada seasoning). I let it simmer a while because I also mixed up dough for tortillas - the first use of my new tortilla press (well, "new," bought over a month ago). I make flour tortillas mostly. 

I was able to do some of my piano practice while that was sitting and resting, and then after dinner got the rest in.

The soup was a good choice; I felt better after eating it. Not sure if it was "nutritious food" or whether it was "you took the time to do something for yourself" or both. 

okay that's in the wrong orientation but it's 9:30 pm and I'm tired and I can't get blogger to rotate it even though I rotated the image when I converted it to .jpg from the dumb HEIC file that works with literally nothing. 

After all that I wanted to knit a bit

Earlier in the day I thought "maybe starting a new project would help my mood" but at nearly 8 pm I decide that wasn't a good idea, so I dug around and found a long-stalled project, maybe I work on these things until I finish a few

it's that Turkish-stitch purple thing. It looks wrinkled or misshapen here but that's just because it's a quick photo and was hanging a little folded. It's a simple stitch (k1 (yo, skp), end k1) and you do that every row so you don't need a row counter or to worry about the right side or wrong side. The downside is it grows really slowly, especially in this fine yarn (it's like a light fingering weight). But maybe some day I will finish it.

anyway. I hope soon there is some actual good news that comes - not more losses or closings or bad things. (I wonder some days: are all the "making stuff" hobbies contracting down to nothing because (a) people have no time and energy for anything but work (b) everyone stares at screens now for their free time activities (c) no one can afford to run a craft supplies store any more other than the gigantic chains or (d) some other nefarious thing. But it does feel like my town has almost nothing to offer me, personally, for fun, and now it seems like Denison may be losing that. And I CAN'T drive 90 plus minutes one way through horrific aggressive traffic to go to Dallas, which is what I guess NORMAL people here do for fun)

Anyway: I guess I take the old joke about "yarn and fabric will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no yarn and no fabric" to heart and just use my stash forever more now. (I have enough to last me the rest of my life, most likely). But it's lonely and it's sad never having face-to-face discussions with people who care about the same things as you do; it again makes me feel like I don't matter and I'm "weird" in a bad way because I don't like what "normal" people like and they don't like what I like.

a color change

 I've been knitting on the blanket; it's beginning to feel like it might actually be finished some time.

I got excited because the peachy orange color looked like it was running down and was about to change to the pink.

Well, I found out why

gosh darn it.

You have to either cut or unpick these, and do a join - you can't trust knots to stay knotted, and also, they make a lump.

But I did get the color change to go

Just a row or two of the pink, but at least it's a different color. 

***

I did get out this weekend. I had a sore arm from the vaccine but that seemed like all. (Though today I've had some hives on my hands and feet, and have been more tired than I normally would be) 

But Saturday was okay.

I needed a set of new cotton sheets (the microfiber ones are still too warm right now) and I happened to spot these at Target

 They're from the Pillowfort line, which is aimed at kids, but they carry them in a "full" (double) bed size, so I bought them. They're decent quality for the price, and I like the design - insects and one snake (I thought it was a worm at first but there's a clear head and eyes, so it's something like a rough earth snake). 

And anyway: if you're sleeping alone, why not have the sheets you want?

I also bought a couple books; a leaflet on learning Tunisian crochet (I still want to) and a copy of a book called The Creative Act: a Way of Being. The books were on sale at JoAnn's and even if I get annoyed at The Creative Act, it may still have been worth trying - with books like this I find either there are some nuggets of wisdom I can use, or I wind up rolling my eyes at them because they get too "woo." 

But I haven't felt very creative of late and maybe I need to change my thinking about it, or something.

Just tired, sad

 Yeah, I got the covid booster today

so far the only side effects seem to be a sad/irritated mood. We'll see how I feel tomorrow.

I could also be sad and irritated because (gestures at world) and also that I spent five hours today grading, and got home at 6 pm, after arriving on campus at 7 am. ("Crunch time" should not be this early in the semester).

I did my PT stretches just now and that helped a little. I need to keep up with those; I hurt less when I do them. 

Apparently a politician is calling to "destroy" universities and that college graduates are "worse" people. I should not let this kind of garbage get under my skin but it does. I think part of it is that I identify too strongly with my job. I mean, it's literally all I have and all I am, and so be told it is Bad means....well, it means I am Bad and Defective, I guess. And I grew up being told by my peers in school I was Bad and Defective and all the rhetoric now reawakens a lot of that and I walk around feeling kind of bad about myself all the time, and realizing I don't really fit in anywhere, and it's sad. 

And I've got people mad at me/avoiding me because I know I've been worried about this renovation thing in my building, about how I can't imagine it possibly working without all of us failing at our jobs regularly next semester. I keep asking if we're going to get help moving lab supplies or even where I can store them and no one can tell me, I guess no one knows, but I don't want it to wait until the literal last minute and "surprise! You are giving up your Christmas break to do this!"

And I'm going to be late to the 3-5 pm lab I just got assigned next semester because my 1-3 lab meets across campus, like 3/4 a mile away, and it sometimes runs long anyway. I'm going to fail and I'm going to look like an idiot and there's NOTHING I can do to stop it and I hate it. I hate feeling incompetent.

I really need to find something else I feel successful at; some days I feel like I don't have anything. 

I'm not a great knitter; I only ever follow patterns others have written. I haven't worked on a quilt in half a year. Piano isn't going well; I can't make enough time to practice. So it feels like nothing is going well for me. 

It's very hot here. We had a heat index of 105F today. I am very tired of "forever summer." It also hasn't rained in forever, I had to hook up my hose and will have to remember to run it a bit each day to prepare a spot of soil to collect the sample for Wednesday's lab. 

***

One perhaps-happier thing - thinking about my current "comfort show" (and everyone now may groan and say "no Erica not Bluey again") but it is, and I realized part of it is that Bandit does remind me very slightly of my own dad when I was a little kid. Now, he was less of a caretaker - he worked long hours - but some of the other things are similar - the bit where Bluey showed Jean-Luc how to wet down a certain rock to get ochre to paint with, that sort of small random fact was the sort of thing he'd teach my brother and me. And while he never quite entered into imaginative play as much, he still sometimes went along with stuff my brother and I did. 

I miss him

But I also miss some things about being a kid, especially being able to play and having someone else to worry about all the big things. I have to worry about all the big things now and it's hard and sad.

***

I need to knit more but it's hard to make the time, and hard to find the energy after getting home late and having to fix dinner and do chores and all that. Despite the whole "we're not looking to get to the 'forever weekend'" and the idea of being zen and living in the moment.....well, a lot of my moments these days are kind of arduous, and I frankly would like a taste of the "forever weekend."

***

I dunno. I feel right now that a lot of spaces where I hang out (mostly online because I don't really have a real life) everyone is tired of me, and so maybe I just have to go quiet for a while, even though that means I have no one to talk to.

Another long week

 Hoping to get some knitting in once I complete piano practice and eat.

* I did schedule my covid booster for tomorrow after class. I am really hoping I DON'T have a strong reaction and could maybe run to JoAnn's just for fun tomorrow (Also I need to get to Target some time again). I did stock up on food yesterday afternoon locally in case I don't feel up to going out. 

I mean, yeah I get that it's really important and also to work my flu shot and second shingles shot in I have to get this one now, but I will admit I resent that my life is such that I may wind up giving up some of my limited free time for something like feeling lousy after a shot.

I don't even have anyone around to tell me I'm a "poor baby" and offer to make food for me! I just have to keep on trucking no matter how bad I feel!

* I didn't feel good yesterday. I tweaked my knee somehow or something (or it was the extreme humidity, or walking on rough terrain to teach lab yesterday, or who knows what) and when I got home I was REALLY hurting. And emotionally I needed comfort, it was just a hard day and I found out we still don't know where I can store my ecology lab stuff so I can't start slowly moving it over to whereever it will need to go; I'll have to do it later. And I did go to wal-mart, I needed a couple things there that I can't get elsewhere and it was really unpleasant (loud pushy people, a couple having an argument, the line I got in to do self-checkout shutting down fully when the woman ahead of me had a problem....)

So I needed comfort, both physical and emotional

those are a couple more recent stuffies. Socks and Muffin Heeler (the baby cousins of Bluey and Bingo) are sitting on the tea towel that's wrapping the ice pack I had and a "baby Garfield" (apparently there's some new movie, and I certainly won't go but the stuffie is cute and he is very soft, so)

I felt some better today. But there just is too much in the world right now that's distressing and aggravating.

* Part of the reason I had to make the trek out there was I volunteered to bring snacks for the grief support group the minister runs. Most of us don't attend (don't have recent grief and I think I've recovered as much as I will from losing my dad) but we do support it by providing snacks. (I got fruit and a cheese plate; he had mentioned to me one of the members was diabetic because he knows I like to bake, as a gentle hint). At least I was able to drop that off last night, saving me from doing it today

* I didn't get home today until 5 (after being up on campus before 8) because I wrote an exam for next week and also had to prepare conditional probability and Bayes' theorem for tomorrow, and those are always hard; conditional probability kind of breaks my brain so I have to have it really well written out in my notes so I don't mess it up.

* Still really wanting to start a new project but also telling myself I have like ten projects in various stages of completion.

I wish there were something nice and absorbing on tv tonight (instead of re-runs or "game shows at night" or "Big Brother" - does anyone actually LIKE that or is it just so cheap to make they keep showing it like three nights a week?).

Maybe I just see if there's something on BBC Radio 4 - I have the app on my phone and can listen.

It's easier for me to work on the "boring" things (like the all garter stitch blanket) if I have something else to pay attention to; lace is better when I'm not tired and also don't want to concentrate on something else.

*I am reserving the right to get a pizza or bbq carry out tomorrow night depending on how I feel after the vaccination.

Tuesday evening things

 * Working more on the dragon's breath socks tonight. I really want to start something new but I also want to get a couple projects finished up first, I have too many half-finished things. 

* The abdominal thing was almost certainly a virus; I woke up this morning feeling totally better. I was still having a little pain in my side yesterday and a little indigestion, and I was really afraid it was gallbladder but I kept telling myself it would be getting progressively worse if it was, and I have none of the other symptoms. I think also just muscles being out of whack from walking funny contributed.

Alternatively: it could be an ongoing menopause thing; I know that can take years. I did have some brain fog (didn't realize it) while I was hurting, and that has lifted. 

* Got my first stats test written today. I do multiple forms for the take home one so that takes considerable work. 

* I need to decide to schedule my COVID booster. Part of me rebels against doing it this Friday; this is the first Saturday in a while I would have time to go do something fun, or even just to go to a larger, nicer grocery store than what we have locally. 

Oh, I'll probably still do it; but if I do feel okay Saturday (I did after the last booster), I might still go

One of the frustrating things about being a too-responsible adult is that you have to schedule stuff like this for over your weekend - I don't want to miss work (even though I never take a sick day). 

The one thing though - I'm scheduled to elder this Sunday; I could beg off and have someone substitute if I feel unwell, but that might tip me over into going "meh, I'll do it NEXT weekend."

I also have to get the flu shot. I'm on the fence about getting them together; I know they recommend that (largely because they don't think people will come back for a second shot) but I don't like the possibility of a double-dose of immune response to deal with. (I normally only ever get a sore arm with the flu shot, though). 

In mid October I have to get my second shingles shot; I'm going to schedule THAT for the Thursday afternoon after my Friday mid-fall break - assuming I will feel unwell and yes, giving up YET ANOTHER day off I might do something fun. Which yes, I do kind of resent, but it's probably better than missing class time. 

I might resent it less if I had someone to take care of me, so I didn't have to drag my own self to the kitchen and try to figure out something I have the energy to fix to eat. But oh well.

* It's still very hot and dry here; I have to remember later this week to start watering my leaf pile so I can do the soil invertebrates lab with my students next week. It's frustrating because it's SUPPOSED to be cooler and rainier by now and it's a drag to have weather that never changes. 

* Slowly trying to get to the finish of "Death on the Cherwell" but a lot of nights by the time I get into bed to read I'm so tired I only get a few pages read before I decide I have to sleep. I do enjoy these vintage British mysteries; they're not as simplistically written as some of the modern potboilers or "airport books" but they are also less complicated than more literary novels. I do want to get back to Blackout but sometimes it makes me anxious or sad because it is characters I've come to like who are in at least mild peril. It will probably work out fine in the end based on some textual hints and a direct comment by a character. And the fact that there's a second book, called All Clear, that finishes the story. 

* Lots of dumb stuff going on, both in my state and nationally. You've doubtless heard of the bad stuff in Springfield Ohio, where Haitian immigrant families - who came here originally to escape bad conditions at home - are being harassed because of lies and rumors. 

Locally - following the shooting in Georgia - there were first cancellations of some schools for a day. This is because some fool posted on social media "threats" (apparently entirely false) against some schools in Georgia - and some of the town names are the same as town names here (or rather: our town names are the same as theirs) because many of the people who settled here in the early days were originally from Georgia and Alabama. But some folks thought these threats were for here, and a couple schools in the region shut down for a day. And now, parents are apparently scared, either from this or other stuff going on (???) that they're keeping their kids home (to be fair: I think there have been a couple local threats on social media). 

And it's frustrating. For one thing: I see how underprepared some of our incoming first-years are, after having their earlier education disrupted by the pandemic. And for another - well, some of my older students are parents themselves, and they sometimes have to scramble for childcare if the schools aren't open. And it's all so stupid and so silly and I would think of we could agree on ONE thing as a society, it's that kids should feel safe and should be able to go to school. It really does feel sometimes like everything is breaking and failing and I have to deal with some of the fallout and yet I have no power or skill or authority to do anything to fix it, and it's a very helpless feeling (and I also have to do things like try to catch up students who've had to stay home with kids home from school, or try to help bring the underprepared students up to level). And this kind of thing, constantly, burns a person out, especially after we all lived through a pandemic (and yes, for some, it's still going on. I am not immunocompromised nor do I live with someone who is, so I can pretty much go and do things without fearing I'll directly lead to someone's death if I happen to get exposed (and also, I am as vaccinated as I can be). 

I don't know. I just wish things would get better. I wish things would just work out for good.