I really hope it's not as bad as my doomy brain is telling me, where RFK, jr. gets to gut public health and food safety and the EPA is gone and all of that.
but I think I need a quiet evening. Still here, just....yeah, oof.
I leave you with a photo from the afternoon's field lab. At least the outdoors is still here
I've written several times about this hymn, and the poem upon which it was based. The idea of making a decision, of being kind of at a precipice where things may change for good or ill, and praying you make the right choice, praying the right thing happens.
I feel it today.
It may be an early night for me; watching the returns, unless we get a lot of blue early on, will be worrisome and honestly I expect between the likely closeness AND the way some of the balloting rules have recently been changed it will be several days at a minimum before we know.
this has just been a hard semester in a lot of ways and I am STILL thinking about that interaction with a student and feeling bad, and wondering what I could have done differently - then, and also earlier in the semester. I guess I just never really feel like a success any more, and that's not good.
I realized if I was going to continue my tradition of a handmade gift for the AAUW gift exchange in early December, I better start it now, given how little time/how slowly I knit now.
I had sort of decided on fingerless mitts, and in fact, bought a skein of on-sale "Eddie Bauer" branded yarn (not actually made by them, the name was just leased) from JoAnn's in a dark blue. It's a wool-alpaca blend and I hope it won't be too scratchy
The pattern I chose is knit flat and seamed which I don't super love, but instead of having to knit on a thumb with a gusset, you just leave a gap in the seam, which is simple.
It's a lace pattern. They call it Shell Lace Rib, it's a pattern I don't remember ever having knit before. It's pretty straightforward once you learn it - four rows with increases in one row and then decreases in two others, so the number of stitches changes from row to row, but fortunately the rib helps you to keep on track (in between the "shells" there are columns of purl on the right side)
It's about 1/3 done, maybe a little more, there. You knit 9" worth of it. Of course I will need to make two but it seems to go fast enough.
(Tomorrow night I want to find something NOT NEWS to watch - or maybe I just go to bed early and read instead of knitting. Some of the last-minute ads here make me want to punch my tv. I will be glad that they're done)
***
other than that, not a great day. I had someone who made an appointment to "discuss" their class and it turned out to be them accusing me of being a bad teacher and not making fair exams and I really had no recourse, and because I'm a people-pleaser I couldn't bring myself to do anything more forceful than remind them that there's a required syllabus for this class and it covers a lot of material.
but it left me feeling bad and doubting myself. What if I am a bad teacher now? What if students have changed to the point where my style of teaching no longer works?
I will say later when my soon-to-be-retiring chair stopped by with a scheduling question for next semester, and I mentioned the thing, she shrugged and said "that's why I'm retiring. I had planned to stay on some years longer but I'm so fed up with people being demanding and yet not willing to do any work in class" and kind of, yeah. I mean, yes, it's the first-years I struggle with and once they get a semester or two under their belts they kind of calm down and realize what they have to do, but it's also super demoralizing.
And a lot of the time these days it feels like I mainly hear complaints and not when I do something well (which makes me wonder if I'm doing anything well). I also find myself soothing other people's feelings a lot and.....it's like no one cares about mine. Which would be okay, except I can't even soothe my own because I'm worn out when I get home and can't do it.
I don't know. Maybe I have to dump 1/2-3/4 of the clutter in my house and get a cat or a dog so there's at least something that gives the illusion of loving me, I don't know.
Today is All Saint's Day (Halloween is actually "all hallow's eve'). This Sunday is All Saints' Sunday.
Off and on through the years my congregation has observed it. This year, we haven't had any "near" deaths (I think we lost a person who had moved away). I also didn't even think of it until midweek and....well....the minister is taking a vacation day and I'm filling in for him. I admit I half-thought of scrapping the sermon I had (on the lectionary text from Mark 12, on the Two Great Commandments) but given how busy I've been and that it was 90% written when I realized that, I decided not to.
Also, All Saints' is sometimes hard for me. This past eight years, I've lost a LOT of people, beginning with a cousin (probably my favorite cousin on that side) who had had a massive stroke. (This was the cousin whose wife came to the hospital, and even though I know it was very hard for her, and told him "if you need to go, I will be okay. If you need to go and be with your mother and father and your grandmother and Tom [his brother who died before him], I will be okay. Don't hang on for me" and not long after that he died). And it just accelerated from there - 2019 probably being the worst year. And of course 2020 was bad, for different reasons (I did lose a couple people I knew to COVID, but they weren't people I had been close-close to)
And I remember how in 2019, I unthinkingly scheduled myself to serve "at the table" on All Saint's Sunday. Perhaps a word of explanation: in the Disciples of Christ church does communion every Sunday, usually referring to it as the Lord's Supper. Traditionally we had two elders and a couple deacons at the table; the deacons then carried the elements around to the congregation (in some congregations, they invite people who can to come down to the front to take the elements out of the trays the deacons hold). The elders say prayers, or, in some congregations, one does a Scripture reading and another does a prayer.
Since the pandemic we've gone to the pre-packaged, pre-sealed cups and bread. (I jokingly referred to them as Eucharistables, but no one found that funny). It does make it simpler, no need to make sure enough deacons are available. And we went down to one elder at the table for "distancing" (And we had masks on , at least into 2022)
We've kept the one elder and the Eucharistables, we're a small congregation and it makes scheduling easier.
So anyway, in 2019, without even THINKING, I scheduled myself at the table. This was, of course, about 10-12 weeks after I lost my dad. I was still grieving deeply, though I didn't fully realize that.
And I got up at the table, and I started talking about "those who have gone before us....." and something just broke in me and I started crying. I really, really hate publicly displaying strong emotion and I felt bad, which made it worse. I managed somehow to get through it.
Of course people understood. Everyone's been there in a way, where you're grieving someone and you have to speak at just the wrong time and you lose your composure. I still felt unhappy about it, a bit like I had failed. Oh, I'm over it now, and I try not to schedule myself at the table for this week (which, I guess serendipitously made it easier to fill in....)
But yes, a lot of traditions remember the dead about now. (I have read that in early Christianity, it was originally done in the spring, I suppose to line up with Easter, but was moved because at least the Celtic religion at the time did Samhain in the fall). But fall "feels" right, though I'm not sure that isn't partly "well, this is when we always did it"
But certainly, the reduction in light, the early dark, in much of the Northern hemisphere*, the dying leaves and general decay, the increasing cold, it does put a person in mind of endings. And I know traditionally people feel this is a "thin place" between this world and whatever lies after. And it is easy to feel melancholy - if you're so inclined - at this time of year, at the early dark and the long evenings to hold memories in.
And I'm thinking of it perhaps a bit more this year than I might have; someone I knew from Ravelry and now am a mutual with on Bluesky lost their partner yesterday. Oh, it wasn't unexpected; he had been, as she said "knocking hard at the door" for a while (having some chronic illnesses) but still.....every loss really does remind you of previous losses. And I think that's something important to remember (so you can be kind to yourself if you find yourself sad) but also, I do think it's extremely important to take time and remember those who went before. Whether you are religious (and so, have your own structure for considering it, and perhaps rituals) or spiritual or not at all. Dealing with death is part of how we make sense of life.
It's also something we all have to deal with, but also, it does seem uniquely human that we KNOW we and those around us will die. Animals may have some awareness of it, and I suspect animals are aware right before they die - I've read too many cases of people's pets who went off to some quiet, secluded place when their time came.
I've also read some theologians hypothesize that the "original sin," the "becoming like gods" that resulted from the forbidden fruit was gaining the knowledge and understanding that we will someday die. Which is a pretty rotten bargain, I'd argue. I know in 2019, after losing my father - and losing my friend Charles Hill not long after - it really messed me up, and I spent months ruminating on the realization that literally everyone I loved would die (and leave me behind, most of them being older than I am) and that I would die to......and so, why do ANYTHING? Nothing matters, everything is ephemeral.
(And I realize now: could that be what led to the decline in my knitting and sewing and everything else? a feeling of futility?)
It is hard, though, but it's also something we all share, especially those of us who have had big and close losses: how to keep on going on with that weighing on you. I admit I still haven't quite figured it out, and mostly rely on "forgetting" about it for a while.
a very happy 18th anniversary to the KXVO pumpkin dance, probably my favorite Halloween thing ever:
Another busy/stressful week (I was on campus for over 10 hours yesterday, most of them working). But I managed to put together a halloween outfit
This was actually last year's idea, but it was too cold then.
The fun thing was that the major pieces (the dress and the shawl) where not obtained on purpose; I bought the dress over a year ago to wear to church, and I crocheted the shawl maybe 20 years ago now out of some Wool-Ease. It "feels" very much like a hippie shawl - simple design, kind of chunky, a yarn that clearly looks "not luxe)
I had the pendant (very very costume; that's a plastic "stone") and the headband came in one of those "surprise boxes" I used to subscribe to (before the mail went to heck and also before the companies selling them got unreliable).
Not shown is my feet in Birkenstocks and with a toe-ring from the same box the headband came in, I know not to post feet on the Internet because there are.....people.... out there.
It gets at the spirit of the day but is practical enough that I can teach in it
Well, the headband isn't super comfy and I'm not used to wearing them, and I don't like having my hair all loose, but.
(Also I notice the "portrait" setting on my phone makes better pictures of me - the first picture - than the standard setting. It does something that evens out the complexion, or it lights it better, something)
***
my other plan for the day - I get out of class a bit after noon and don't have any afternoon commitments up here - is to try to early vote. It started yesterday. One person I know in the Norman or Edmond area (I think it is, a mutual on Bluesky) said there was something like a three hour line yesterday. I'm hoping that because we're a smaller town and maybe the really eager folks went yesterday, I won't have that long of a wait.
I think I waited about an hour in 2016. In 2020, I did a "bring in the signed and notarized absentee ballot" thing because of COVID and I didn't want to vote in person.
(I'm telling myself though that long lines for early might presage a better performance for Harris than one might think for this state, but who knows)
I also think I am going to tell a couple folks here that I'm going to early vote. You know, just in case anything ~happens~ so they know where I was. I hate that that's a part of the calculus but this is life now.
If I get done any before 3 pm with voting, I might come back here and do a bit of research. Or I might not; it's been a long week and I'm tired
****
Edited to add: I did the thing. It took about 40 minutes, the vast majority of that waiting in line. (I had researched all the downballot races - I already knew who I wanted for President - and the "state questions" so I knew how I wanted to vote and it just took a couple minutes to fill out the ballot)
Decided to stay home the rest of the afternoon; I'm tired and standing out in the bright sun (the area in the courthouse where you vote is small) gave me a slight headache. I have sheets in the washer; I need to change them. And I might do a little cleaning here. I also need to practice piano.
It's already been a busy week. ("Captain," says Tintin, "but it's only Tuesday....")
So here's the current progress on the scarf:
I'll be glad to get out of the lavender-and-tan section onto something new. That's one problem with these long-sequence color changers - it sometimes feels like forever before it changes, and of course for small things like hats or gloves you don't see much changing, and it looks more like a mistake than a shift.
I guess it's longer than in the previous photo:
I had a headache most of the day. It's partly tension (because: gestures at world) but I'm pretty sure it's also there's a slow-moving cold front headed in, and there's a lot of dust in the air from the high winds.
I have a field lab scheduled tomorrow but it might storm. I'm actually kind of hoping it does; we need rain badly and to be honest, I could do with "having" to postpone the lab for a week.
* I am so ready for Daylight Saving to end. It's so dark when I leave home in the morning. I don't mind coming home as it's getting dark, but somehow, driving to work in the dark just feels extra unpleasant
* Possibly related to the darkness-in-morning, my street got missed for trash pickup today. I found out when I got home and went to take the wheelie bin back up, and it felt heavier than it should, so I looked in. By then it was after 5 pm but I did call and leave a message. (I said I was leaving it at the curb. I referenced my hurt knee, which really isn't hurt that much any more, but I don't know when they plan to pick up the trash and I don't want to have to keep putting it up and taking it down. Other people left their bins at the curb so I'm telling myself "they can't fine ALL of us" (technically, you can be fined for leaving your can out, though that might be after pickup, and technically it's not AFTER pickup)
* Still working on the scarf, but it's not at a very photogenic point. Same with the blanket, which I worked on during Zoom knitting this weekend.
* I've put "All Clear" in timeout for a bit; the whole Blitz thing feels claustrophobic and too unsettling right now. Maybe I'll return to it after the election, I don't know. (Right now it really does feel like a lot of us here are holding our breath, and I don't want anything else that gives me tension).
I did pick up "Cry, The Beloved Country," which I had been wanting to read for a while. I KNOW it will make me cry at some point; I don't think an author names a character Absalom (in a novel where the protagonist is expressly a devout Christian) without your suspecting something upsetting is going to happen.
But at this point, very early on - Stephen Kumalo has just re-encountered his sister and suggested she return to the township to live with him and his wife - it's an interesting and enjoyable novel. In some ways the people are very different (and yet, in other ways, not, given Kumalo's faith) and the setting is different (I had to look up the latitude of Johannesburg to imagine what the climate would be like - remembering the seasons would be the reverse of here)
My favorite books do tend to be ones that show a different place and different people and a different life. But I do still need at least one character who is a decent person and is sympathetic (I assume Stephen Kumalo will be that character in this one).
I have one more exam to grade (maybe tomorrow; there are only a few of them and one person was out sick and will have to make it up Monday). But I'm free for a little bit.
It was a busy week; pretty much the only knitting I did was while invigilating exams:
I decided after my last class (ends at noon), I wanted to get down to Sherman. I debated going tomorrow but tomorrow is Zoom knitting and I didn't want to feel too rushed in getting back.
My original plan was just to stop in at Joann's (near the Target) and go to Target, because that was what I really needed (there are a couple things I use regularly that only the Target around here carries).
But driving down, traffic was kind of unpleasant, and I thought "You could pull off at the first exit in Denison instead of continuing to where I would pull off at the shopping center"
And of course, that's right close to the yarn shop.
I didn't NEED yarn, but.
I also NEEDED lunch. I had originally thought of going to somewhere near Target, but then I remembered there was a place (a brewpub sort of place) in the same building as the yarn shop, so I went there.
I got a root beer. (Driving, of course) and a grilled cheese and salad. They weren't busy so I felt less bad about being a "low dollar" order. The food was pretty good:
And after that, the yarn shop. My original thought was to get a skein of a yarn I'd considered earlier, and then not bought
and then I saw the grey yarn. It's from sheep raised in the Falklands, which is geographically interesting to me, and also they boast on the label that it's humane and ecologically raised.
The multicolored one is the one I had considered buying a trip or two but didn't; it's a Dream in Color yarn in Mardi Gras colors. It will probably become socks. The two Falkland Chunky skeins will become a hat with wide horizontal stripes.
I didn't really buy anything at JoAnn's; it was partly just a trip there.
And I got my groceries and stuff and the things I particularly needed, and then back home.
(It's still too warm here)
Just a busy week. This afternoon was grading yet another exam. (I give a third one, in my third of four classes, tomorrow. At least next week I don't have any....
And the hives seem to have stopped, and I feel much better today than I have since Friday. So I'm going to assume I just had a drawn-out immune reaction to the shingles shot
(Behind a link, because rude language, but if you're over 50 be sure to get your shongles.....)
I also walked a lot yesterday and actually my knee felt a lot better, and I could walk more naturally, than I could in a long time. I don't know if it's just a time thing or if the work out on the cross country skiier is a little repetitive-motiony but I'm going to keep doing it for now (too much friction in finding a new way to get the necessary exercise)
This evening I took off some time (after grading) to watch tv (well, I did spend 20 minutes finishing my piano practice). I still like Ghosts though it feels a little holding-pattern at this point. I really, really wanted to like the new Matlock but I like it less than I thought I would. I think the "every character including the protagonist seems to be lying" is what gets me. I am sick of lying. Sick of dealing with it in my day to day life (everyone who has a little power, is a little higher in the org chart, has lied to me, and students have lied to me), sick of it in politics and media, and I don't want to see it in my entertainment. I mean, yeah, everyone lies, and it seems now lying is the way to get ahead, but I was taught differently.
I wish they'd time swap it with Elsbeth, which I DO like, but I really should not be staying up this late (to 10 pm) when I get up at or before 5 am the next morning.
But yeah. Really hoping next week is a little more relaxed (I do have a Zoom meeting with a job candidate Wednesday afternoon, and Thursday I am going to try to get down to early-vote (and if it's bucketing down rain, or the line is way too long and I can't get in, I guess I go on Friday afternoon....)
(And I think a lot of us are a little on edge about the upcoming election; I know I am and have been a bit more snappish than I normally am...)
Well, one other small good thing: an update from the original owner of Quixotic Fibers, who had moved to Zephyrhills, Florida (which got hit by Milton). She is okay, there was some damage to the shop, but apparently it's been repaired "enough" that she can reopen, and didn't lose too much stock.
(Again, I hope the Denison store keeps going. I MIGHT run down to Sherman - I need to go to Target soon - tomorrow after classes and I don't know whether to pop in. There was a note in the e-mail that Dream in Color is raising their prices next year* and while I don't NEED more yarn.....)
(*and if the Grand Tariff Plan one of the candidates talks about goes into effect, bye-bye being able to afford ANY imported yarn, as it sounds like the tariffs will be on everything - well, except for the luxury items that friends of those in power like, I suppose....)
Today was long - three classes and a lab. One class I gave an exam and there was a HUGE foulup at print shop which led to me getting yelled at for not being a mind-reader* and had to beg to get the tests actually copied on time
and was told "oh, your wifi must not have been working that day" and I was like "sorry? I sent them in over a computer with a T1 line?" but it's par for the course to blame the professor for everything that goes wrong. SO I wound up pretty upset for part of the day.
And this evening, it was entirely devoted to grading those exams.
(*IF I WERE? I WOULD HAVE WON THE LOTTERY LONG BEFORE NOW AND WOULD BE LIVING IN A NICE HOUSE SOMEWHERE WHERE IT'S NOT 95 DEGREES IN NEARLY NOVEMBER, AND WHERE I HAVE EASIER ACCESS TO THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY)
Anyway. After I walked out of lab at 3 pm, I decided to first to to the field sampling site for herbaceous vegetation to see just how dead and crispy everything was, to see if it was even worth trying to do that lab (I have another week to decide)
There were clouds. This is something I've not seen for a long time, but they didn't produce rain. Still, it's nice to see them, even if it's still stupid hot and it's been three months since measurable rain
So I drove out there. It is crispy, and part of the site we used to sample is now part of a big disk golf thing (big concrete pads) and I take this to mean I will somehow need to find a NEW place to sample in the next few semesters (If I don't just wind up quitting in disgust before then)
The one identifiable plant (that had flowers) was some kind of aster, probably heath aster
Also, this is how dry it's been: here's the Tiny Canyon
Probably these soils are vertisols, or vertisol-adjacent, and that's why the deep vertical cracks. But it also has been terribly dry here, and the continued hot temperatures are really getting me down.
So, last evening, I got home and thought "I feel itchy. Why should I feel itchy?" and I went to take a shower and......womp womp.
Hives.
It's been a long, long time - like eight years - since I had them badly. I guess I got a short bout of them after one of the covid boosters, and then when I had had food poisoning.
But these were bad. I was alarmed at first but checking some dermatological research, it sounds like some people just are occasionally triggered to hive up from vaccines, and when it's a couple days out (instead of immediately), it's not likely to be dangerous.
They were worse when I got up this morning but did slowly fade after I took my antihistamine for the day.
But yeah, I don't like surprises like that. I also still feel really kind of tired and I hope that's the after effects of the shot (but it's also been very hot here; it was close to 90 today).
I think it's going to be an early night.
***
I might also be tired because the church women's group, as a service/outreach thing, fed the rodeo team on campus this evening. This is part of a grant we received from the region for service projects. We chose feeding the team because (a) they tend to get less funding than some other sports and (b) the minister is a former barrel-rider, so he has a particular interest in the rodeo team
Since we had a grant, we didn't have to cook, but we did go out there to serve (we had barbecue delivered from one of the local restaurants). The arena is fairly close to my building, so I just stayed up there after lunch and worked until it was time to go and serve.
It was a lot of standing around, and it was hot and very dusty. But the students were polite and appreciative. We pushed take-out boxes on them, there was so much food. And it's good to do little service things like that. And who knows, maybe one of those kids was having a really lousy day and getting fed (rather than having to go make or find food after practice) made their day better.
I had to wash my hair again when I got home because of all the dust, and I was also concerned being out in the pollen and dust might reactivate the hives, but that did help me feel a little better.
Maybe I'm also tired because I evaluated nearly 15 applicants for a position today. I'm a little out of my depth at evaluating their research (it's a very different field from mine) but there were a few people who seemed good and a few people who....did not. Like a lot of people didn't send in all the documents we requested, and without any kind of narrative on teaching philosophy or even list of what they've taught, it's difficult to say anything very much about how qualified they are for the classes we want them to teach. (We had pretty explicit instructions of what we wanted in the jobs posting and I assume the people who didn't follow them either don't want the job very much, or think they're so great they don't need to. Well, joke's on them, since we had nearly 30 candidates....)
Maybe a little knitting time, and then bed....
Yeah, Friday after the shingles shot I wound up so exhausted I couldn't do anything, and I had a headache and muscle aches. For part of the day I just went back to bed, but I didn't sleep, I just listened to the BBC player app for a while and laid there. (I was also cold, so it helped to be in bed)
Part of the day I watched TCM; they were re-running the old Laurel and Hardy movies.
I have strong memories of these; my father and his two brothers were big fans of the comedy duo (and now I realize: they made most of their movies when my dad was a tiny child and his brothers were not born yet, so either they must have seen them on tv - it was more common in the earlier days of tv for networks or local stations to just show old movies - or maybe there was a revival theater somewhere where they saw them.
It did make me slightly sad. My only REAL connection to them is my dad having liked them. Oh, they're funny, I guess, but the humor is more slapstick than what I like and some of the humor is kind of dated. Though I guess you have to give credit for a lot of the "effects" being stunt people or even them doing their own stunts; I think rear-projection and matte paintings for backgrounds were really the only thing that commonly existed in the mid-30s.
Another thing I remember: a standard greeting-or-goodbye between my dad and his brothers was to do that thing that Laurel did, of sort of scratching/fluffing his hair up from the top.
And it makes me think: most things, you never know when you will see or do them for the last time until it's long past. I THINK the last time I saw that greeting between them was a few years before my dad died, when both the brothers had come down with their families - or maybe it was at a cousin's wedding.
I also didn't watch Flying Deuces when it was on; this is the one where they joined the French Foreign Legion and at the end there was a plane crash that killed the character Hardy played (later implied to have been reincarnated as a horse). I remember it making me very sad as a little girl, and my dad having to remind me it was just a movie, and that after they stopped filming the actor got up and went home and was fine. (Of course, by that point in time, both Laurel and Hardy had passed away, but my dad didn't mention that).
***
Saturday I was feeling better, but I had some grading to do and we had 20-odd applicants for a position I had to start sorting through. I only got about half of them done before I gave up, but that was most of the day gone there.
After that, I thought "I need to do something at least a LITTLE fun" so I ran over to a town to the east where there's a little "mercantile" (mostly: a vintage/resale shop, but they have a few Amish foods and things like fancy soap).
I bought a loaf of bread by a local Amish baker, and a candle. (There were no "antique" type items I wanted).
And then back home. Worked a bit on the Dragon's Breath socks while watching Poirot, but made a mistake, so put them back into time out for a while.
Yesterday, I pulled out the "Ruggles' Reversible" scarf and worked on that again; I've finally gotten the rhythm of how the pattern works so now it's easier.
It would be nice to finish something; I want to start something new but feel like I have too many things going on.
No real post today, I got the second dose of the shingles vaccine yesterday and it kicked my butt - extremely tired all day, and had a dull headache early this afternoon. I didn't even feel up to knitting.
I'm feeling some better now, hope I will be even better in the morning
still better than getting shingles.
Partly because Bluesky (my usual post-exercise, pre-breakfast distraction) seems to be totally down now, but also because of the devotional for today that I subscribe to (they come from the UCC, which is a denomination somewhat allied with mine, and often the devotionals have good food for thought), I got to thinking about "sides."
And I was reminded of Mark Twain's satiric "War Prayer," which I read years and years ago - I thought then it was about the Civil War, but he wrote it in 1904 or so, but apparently he was actually writing about the Spanish-American/Philippine-American War (which he opposed as an imperialistic war) or really, war in general
If you're not familiar, an extract of it is here.
And yes, the idea of sides. We see everyone taking sides now, and it feels like a lot is at stake. I am hoping for cooler heads to prevail - or for people to be "convicted" (to use the good old Protestant usage of it) by re-reading things like the War Prayer and realizing "praying for destruction and misery for our opponents not only makes us worse people, but hurts us as well"
There's also a hymn we used to very occasionally sing in my parents' church - the text is a modification of James Russell Lowell's This Present Crisis.
Lowell was an abolitionist (a lot of the good American 19th century poets were) and he opposed the Mexican-American War and the annexation of Texas (which apparently was believed would increase the power of the South and further cement slavery as a thing). It's said he was asked to write something "as stirring as La Marseillaise" and it's especially stirring as a hymn setting. (I think it's a shame more churches do not sing this, though I suppose in our divided times, people could interpret it as being for one "side" or the other politically, a no-no in churches now)
It's been set to a variety of tunes, but to my ear, the BEST one for it is a modification of Welsh hymn tune (Ton-y-Botel) and that was the one we would sing. It's a stirring tune, and it fits well with the words that are basically exhorting us to choose the better angels of our nature. It's the kind of hymn that makes me want to get up and go out and do something GOOD for the world.
So I had a couple packages coming - two books (same order but I guess shipped separately) from Bookshop, and a stuffed toy capybara. They were all due to arrive today. I have informed delivery so I can see when things are coming and when they get delivered.
Well, early afternoon I got a "your package is ready to pick up at the post office" message
Well, okay. Never seen that before. Maybe the carrier had too many packages and that one was too large? (hopefully it's not *damaged* or something). So I thought, fine, on my way home, I'll swing by the post office (it's kind of a pain to get to - it's on the corner of two busy streets and either way you have to make a left-hand turn to get there)
So I did, got in about 15 minutes before closing.
The guy went and looked. No package. He said 'the carrier must still have it, come back tomorrow'
Okay, fine, whatever. Then I went to wal-mart: I'm supposed to get my second shingles shot tomorrow and am concerned that I won't feel up to venturing out, and I needed more milk.
Walmart is not a pleasant place in the afternoon. Overcrowded, had several people nearly run into me with their carts, got into aisles where a group of people was walking in flying-wedge formation (so you can't get through)
Wound up behind someone smelling strongly of weed. I mean, it's legal (medicinally) here, but I still don't like having to smell it.
Finally got out and started for home, saw the guy ahead of me try to run another car off the road or perhaps he was just not paying attention, the other car had to go way over into the other lane's verge and from there into the right turn lane for a bit.
people just seem worse now.
I got home, there was no mail in the mailbox, and so I thought "great, maybe my "we're holding it for you" package will show up." Intentionally left my car out so the postal worker would see I was home in case that helped.
Also, the "paper mail" (including a bill) never showed up yesterday so I hoped it would show today
Eventually I thought I heard the truck and checked Informed Delivery - yes, it said my books had been delivered to the mailbox.
The paper mail was there.
No books. Not on the porch, either.
Of course the website's no help, you have to go through LAYERS where it gaslights you ("OF course your package was delivered, what are you saying?") until you get to the page where you fill in the tracking number and everything. (I had to do a separate one for each book, as they were shipped separately). Also contacted Bookshop saying I was having the PO look into it, but if the PO just shrugs, maybe they will make it right. I mean, I feel bad about that, but....
But I feel bad about it. Everything here feels broken. There were a lot of empty shelves at wal-mart, and not just stuff that was part of the Bruce-Pak recall. That always makes me nervous - are our supply chains breaking again? Will getting food become hard? Also, there's just so few options here - the only other LARGE supermarket is at least an hour's round trip.
So I don't know. Now I wonder if someone else received my books. I texted my neighbor to the north and asked her, she sent her boyfriend back out to check and no, no books there in their mailbox. I don't have contact info for the guys renovating the house next door and I've not seen them in a while.
Someone on bluesky told me "once in a while that's happened to me, the package shows up the next day" and I hope that's it, but.....
I've noticed that my life has become so small and constricted that things like this weigh heavily on me. Mail is literally the only thing I have some days; when it's fouled up things seem bad. And it's frustrating to feel you cannot depend on the US Mail, especially in a town where there is no longer a bookstore, and other shopping is equally limited (I have to mail order most of my clothing these days). If it becomes impossible to get packages - or if postal carriers just decide "she's ordered too much stuff, we're cutting off delivering" - I'm kind of stuck.
I guess I could still do amazon and have them deliver it to the locker on campus, if I can figure that out. But it's easier having it come to the house! This was something the USPS used to do so well!
It really does feel like everything's broken since 2020 or 2016 or some fairly recent time, and I don't like it.
I put "All Clear" aside for a little bit. It's good - but perhaps a bit TOO absorbing and I found I was staying up too late reading, and also was getting anxiety because of "will things work out, will the time travelers get home, or will they be killed in the Blitz? And what of (I presume it is) Colin who came through to try to rescue them? Did the retrieval team get killed?"
I think that might have been part of my bad sleep Sunday night.
So last night, I read a totally different book - non-fiction, which, I often find a good but not "upsetting" (so: no war, no true crime, no serious disease) thing to read.
I have the subjects I particularly like: "social" history (how people lived: cooking and clothes and things like that), and the early/pre history of Indigenous groups in North America, historical linguistics (especially very early linguistics that borders on archaeology), history-of-science, and books about interesting natural phenomena or about taxonomic groups I don't know much about.
The book I'm reading now is called "Spirals in Time: the Secret Life and Curious Afterlife of Seashells" by Helen Scales. I think I found out about it on Bluesky - I follow a number of bookish people and also authors, so I hear about new books coming out and often get enticed into ordering or pre-ordering them (this is how I found Sarah Beth Durst's excellent "The Spellshop" - and next year she has another book that is either a sequel or in the same vein coming out, and I pre-ordered it on the grounds that I enjoyed "The Spellshop" so much, that I will enjoy a similar book)
This book, as you'd guess, is about molluscs (or mollusks, the more common American spelling - the author is British). Right now it's about the basic taxonomy and biology of them but often books like this range pretty far afield - "Our Moon" by Rebecca Boyle - which I read early this year - is similar, where she talked a bit of cosmology, a bit of archaeology, a bit of geology, a bit of space exploration - was similar.
It's oddly restful to read. As I said, I often find this kind of nonfiction more soothing to read than a "story," even a pleasant and low-stakes story where nothing very bad seems likely to happen.
I have more books kind of like "Spirals in Time" on the shelf, too - recently I ordered "Big Bone Lick" (snerk) about early paleontology in the US, and I have a couple more books about early native people in the US. And I have a big book from Folio Society about the history of the English language I want to read some time.
The most noticeable progress was on the current gradient socks
It's a nice yarn, it knits up well. It's not a singles but it looks like it because the plying is very fine and subtle. I have another inch or so to go on the legs before I start the heel flap.
The other ball is identical so if I'm careful I will get identical socks.
I have to keep this short because I need to do the PT stretches tonight. I didn't do them last night and I can feel it today. I also just generally hurt - I've been very tense for various reasons and my shoulders hurt
I didn't sleep well at all last night. I think all of the various worries I had came to a head and I couldn't get my mind to quiet down. (I think I may also have to put "All Clear" - which I started right after finishing its prequel, "Blackout" - to the side for a bit because it is a tension-generating novel; you worry about the time travelers and how they're going to fare, and just hearing about the bombings in London is stressful. I do have a book on molluscs that might be more restful).
Unfortunately, when I'm tired I just usually get grouchy and unfocused and don't do well at work, unlike Muffin:
it's funny to see how they managed to make the "drunk character behaving oddly" trope family friendly by making Muffin just VERY tired (she is at the stage where she is giving up napping).
I am hoping maybe I'll sleep better tonight. I don't have to get up QUITE so early tomorrow; part of the problem is when I have an early wake up time I think about it and don't sleep as well, waking up every hour as morning approaches and having to check my phone for the time.
This was another very long week, and I need to go in for at least an hour tomorrow - I need to start writing the background for the project I'm working on (provided it ever rains again and I can do my last few sampling periods, not much point in trying to find invertebrates in totally dry surface soil)
* They're apparently rebooting Beanie Babies and at least making a line of them that are styled like the original ones from the 90s. And I looked up a photo online:
As I said on Bluesky, looking at that picture makes me (weirdly) feel a sense of peace. I remember the very first days of these things - I think I still have the hippo that was one of the original ones, that I bought around 1992 or 93, when I was in graduate school. There was a little gift shop (and maybe also florist? They've long since closed...) that was a short walk from campus and some days when I needed to clear my mind I'd walk to the little downtown and go to the gift shop, or to Babbitt's Books, or to The Garlic Press.
No, I don't plan on ordering any but I also admit if I were in a shop and saw that seal (the green and yellow one in the back) or the blue horse, or maybe the blue moose, I might buy it. Just to have, you know.
(I also remember when people "invested" in these and the big question was to cut off the tags or not. I mostly did and I've probably lost most of them, but then again - these sell on Etsy for not any more (and in some case less) than what you originally would have paid.
(Then again....the people who bought Tesla stock or those monkey NFTs thought they were getting a good investment)
* I went to the farm store today. This is the store where they have locally raised beef and pork, and some vegetables in season. The beef freezer was empty today (I knew that - they send out weekly e-mails letting people know what they have) but I got a pound of frozen bulk pork sausage (as I remember, I had a casserole recipe - or maybe something like a grits-based dish - that calls for it) and some frozen smoked sausages. (There is a butcher in Muenster, Texas, that specializes in doing pork, including some of the German recipes). And I got some green beans to cook up, maybe to cook lightly and then "pan sear" in the way that Chinese restaurants do them; they're good that way.
They also advertised they carry a few bulk-type groceries now. It was mainly dry beans and a couple types of flour. I'd love to see them expand to having dairy, and maybe more baked goods (they were out of the artisan bread today)
I dunno. I'm still looking for rat-cage enrichment. That helped, a little.
* I rewatched "Raya and the Last Dragon" tonight (it was on, had it on mostly in the background). I still cry at the bit before the end....
(Spoiler alert, but I suspect most people who will watch this already have)
The point where each of the characters - each a representative of one portion of the mythical southeast-Asian-flavored country where this takes place* - decides to trust the others, and combine their bit of the gem in the very faint (it seemed) hope of defeating the evil force that has turned most of the population to stone....and in doing so, giving up the protection of their piece, they turn to stone, too.
I am a sucker for stories of self-sacrifice (I am also a sucker for stories of genuine repentance/redemption). But I noticed something tonight that stopped me and made me cry a little. Each character, as they essentially decided to (possibly) give up their life, walked over and laid a hand (or in one case, hugged the leg of a taller character) on the others. So they wouldn't be alone, I guess.
and that kind of thing, it does get me.
I mean, yes, it ends happily (it's PG at worst, I think, and I doubt Disney would repeat the mistake they made with something like "The Black Hole" - a movie I was taken to as a kid because "Disney, it has to be fun" and like a lot of kids of my generation, was mildly traumatized by it). But the idea that IN the story, the characters don't know, they have to trust, ,first each other, and then that things will work out right.
(*yes, I know, some folks didn't love it, and I've heard critiques of the way it was set. But then again - Avatar the Last Airbender was set in a made-up Asian like location, and lots of their stories were in fake European countries)
* And yes, trust. I think we've lost a lot of it in this country. And similarly, we all feel the need to be so guarded. I was thinking earlier today about how a lot of us were mocked when we were younger for showing vulnerabilities (anything from crying in public to expressing that you liked some movie or song that other people thought was "cringe") and I think if you experience that enough, you kind of close off to protect yourself.
And some people, like me, kind of just stop sharing. I've had people tell me that in "person" (or "in real life," whatever you will) it's hard to get to know who I am because I do tend to be kind of closed-mouth about a lot of things.
Some things - like a relative's recent diagnosis with an autoimmune disorder - I don't reveal because I'm afraid I might start to cry (it's something I've been carrying in my heart for a couple weeks now) and also there's not really a lot anyone else can do.
Other things, yeah, I am afraid of someone mocking me as cringe, or, what's almost worse to me, the sort of polite failure to understand why I care about that thing, and that uncomfortable silence where I know they don't know what to say, because either they don't understand or don't agree.
And so, sometimes it is easier to keep one's mouth shut.
But what's almost worse, I think, are the people whose defense mechanism it to mock, or to take a surface view of everything, to be sarcastic and to never show a genuine emotion. And I wonder if a lot of the Online Stuff is a reaction of this - basically, scared children (even though in adult bodies) who are trying to avoid their feelings being hurt by trying to hurt others first, or at least, to belittle everything.
And I think a lack of ANY sincerity is bad for us, too.
But I also can understand it: so many of us have been hurt by rejection that we try to avoid it. So some, like in my case, basically avoid a lot of human contact, but others may be the reason we avoid that contact.. I don't know.
* And then this came up in a tumblr that I read some times, and yeah, I feel this:
"When you became a marked person" - that both hurts, and I know it's ridiculous, and yet, I remember having wondered as a kid if I DID have an invisible mark on my forehead or something encouraging people to bully or mock me.
And yes, I know what that poster is saying isn't REALLY true, but sometimes, it FEELS true.
At any rate: it's been a hard week.
So there was a huge solar storm/coronal mass ejection, and they were saying "much of North America will see an aurora borealis" here (and of course the rest of the world above a certain latitude or below a certain latitude).
I didn't think I would - I am roughly at the same latitude of Morocco, close to 30 degrees North.
But a mutual on Bluesky, who is on the Carolina coast, exhorted me to try.
Well, okay. I was in my pajamas but I put on shoes and stepped out on the porch. I had to turn off my porch light and at the streetlight on the corner.
Also,, you have to take a longer exposure picture; it's harder, I guess, for your eyes to pick it up. Which makes it hard because you have to keep the camera steady.
I got an initial, not very good picture. The dark blobs are my holly bush:
Well, maybe there's a LITTLE pink there, hard to tell.
So I decided to try the backyard, which is away from the street lamp (even if the light on my garage was at my back, I didn't feel like going back in to turn it off. I would have if what I saw was more impressive).
I had to use my cell phone flashlight - I don't like walking in the dark on my dodgy knee, and it's easy to roll an ankle on all the pecans that have come down on the drive. And the last thing I wanted to do was re-injure myself.
Yeah, MAYBE
All there is is some pink - no green or lavender like people further north were getting in their photos. But I guess I can see that I saw it. (I saw an aurora once before, almost 30 years ago, when I was up visiting my uncle's family at their beach house in Cathead Bay north of Traverse City).
Still,, it's something?
I was thinking this week what I lack, the thing that's been getting me down - back during the worst of the pandemic I referred to it as rat-cage enrichment: getting out to do something new and different. Like, going to a museum I've not been to, or going somewhere I've never been. Yes, there are the places to shop in Sherman, but that's kind of the same as it always was - what I want is something new, and an EXPERIENCE rather than the chance to buy more stuff.
The complicating factor is that most things are far away (or are, for example, Dallas, a place I won't drive) and when you work a solid five (and sometimes part of a sixth) day a week, getting out to do things is hard.
I'll have to think of things. Part of the problem is there's a lot of emptiness (pasture land and Corps of Engineers land) around me, and not a lot of things, and I am programmed to not just drive without a clear goal.
I mean, I suppose I could go to the farm store tomorrow if I get out of my meeting soon enough and see if they have any different vegetables I could eat, or go to the Amish store on Saturday morning.
But one thing I do miss about living in a bigger area with more cultural stuff are the funny little museums (or the nice big museums with fun gift shops and rotating displays so you can keep going back and have new stuff to see).
I suppose lots of people live without that, but then a lot of those people have families to serve as distractions from the horrors of the world these days.
***
My yarn from North Carolina came. This is a shop in Ashville - Purl's Yarn Emporium - that I wrote about the other day
Two different sides because it is different. I *think* it will stripe but I'm not sure. I'll have to think about the best pattern for it - maybe just something with a cable down the front. Or maybe I make mitts out of it.
*Another meeting filled week. I got a few rounds done on the lace socks ("Dragon Breath socks") after my meeting. But they're coming along slowly.
* I got to the point in Black Out where (spoiler warning) the three time travelers in 1940 Britain found each other again. And it's funny how much relief I felt at that; it's easy for me to forget they're fictional people, I guess.
I still don't know if they'll get back home and one of the women (Polly, maybe it was?) is worried that something terrible happened in 2060 Oxford and there's no one left to BRING them back. I presume that will be resolved in the second volume ("All Clear") but it definitely engenders a trapped feeling.
At least they're not alone now. At least they have someone they knew from before.
Connie Willis' writing has made me cry more than once; I think the themes she addresses are things important to me (the feeling of being included in a group, knowing what's going on and not having to figure it out on the fly) or things I worry about (being stranded somewhere all alone and not knowing how to get help if i need it).
* Nervously watching the progress of the hurricane, thinking of all the people under its threat - the original owners of the closest thing I have to a local yarn shop retired to Zephyrhills (I hope they got out and are somewhere else) and a friend from church has several relatives who apparently chose not to evacuate (they live inland and towards the south end, but it looks like the hurricane's path is changing slightly). Really hoping it weakens a bit but I doubt it will.
* I don't know if I mentioned ordering a skein of hand dyed sockyarn from Purl's Yarn Emporium in Asheville, NC. I had seen somewhere (maybe on Bluesky) that they were safe, and their warehouse could still send out orders, and the person who posted it noted that people buying from them NOW would help them survive - normally they do SAFF, a fall fiber festival, but that's not happening this year.
So I thought, well, one skein of yarn won't do much for them, but at least it's symbolic. (A lot of things were sold out so I wondered if a lot of people were ordering). And I signed up to get their e-mails - if it's nice yarn (it's due here on Friday) I could order from them again once things settle down.
Well, today they sent out a happy e-mail: they are reopening, despite having dodgy internet and no actual running water (they have a way of keeping the bathroom sort of going) and they will have snacks and bottled water, supplies permitting, and wifi as long as theirs stay on, and they want to serve as a bit of a community hub.
And also: "People bought over $5000 worth of gift cards, and donated many of them for use by locals who need a little pick-me-up." which makes me happy to read. And also: "...we sold so much yarn in two days that we covered October, including typical SAFF sales."
So they'll keep going for at least a while yet. And with so many yarn shops closing, I have a self-interest in some I can mail order from keeping going (And they have a lot of unique stuff - many of their yarns are dyed in-house or in the region, and they have interesting bags - I originally was going to order one of those but the ones I wanted were all sold out).
But yeah, it's probably gonna be decades before Asheville comes back the same way it was. And I see stuff like this, and feel sad, because.....I'm 55. If too much of the "good stuff" I didn't get to experience before gets damaged to the point it might be 40 or 50 years before it's back......well, I won't get to experience it. And that does scare me a little, that we'll lose so many things for various reasons that there won't be anything left for me to do or enjoy. And yes, I know that's a selfish sentiment given how many people don't have a home left, or lost loved ones, or have a massive clean up ahead of them. But I'm not just talking about severe weather; I'm also talking about things like "contractions" in the craft industry where there's just less yarn and fewer books out there, or forces in our culture right now (The whole blasted "monetize your hobbies" thing of a few years ago - which makes you hate your hobbies, then, and also it's tremendously difficult to make any real money at that sort of thing, especially with cheap import versions of everything). And I don't know. I won't say it's the conservatism of age because I find myself becoming less-so in certain ways as I get older, but I do worry that we've reached a point where Money and Power and Fame (even TikTok fame) are our gods now, and things like relaxation and enjoyment and relationships are getting pushed aside. And THOSE are the things that will save us, at least spiritually and mentally.
I don't know. I do also know a lot of people struggle and can't make ends meet and I am more squeezed than I once was as far as money is concerned (I still did find the money to give to Week of Compassion and also a carefully-vetted ecumenical group in the Asheville region helping with recovery, and I suppose I'll dig down again to donate for the post-Milton recovery).
I don't know. I think of an older (now deceased) man at church, who commented "what is going to become of us?" in 2016 when....well, all the politics was happening. And I wonder that a lot myself.
* I cut my knitting (and Bluey-rerun watching) time short this evening to do the PT stretches. I admit I slightly resent, when I have so little 'free' time, having to take 20-30 minutes of it to do stretches, which are frankly boring. But I need to keep up with it; it's been easier to walk without pain when I do them at least a few times a week,, and I do want to avoid surgery on that knee at all costs. It seems like strengthening those muscles is a way to ensure that.
I also HAVE to start going to bed earlier; I find I'm not getting enough sleep.
I don't NEED more yarn (as I regularly remind myself) and yet, buying yarn is one of the ways I feel cared for? I mean, I know that's a fairly dysfunctional form of self-care, but whatever.
Anyway, I needed to get out and do stuff (including going to the natural foods store) so I went out Saturday midmorning after doing some grading
Denison was having a fall festival; I was misled on how much of the Main Street corridor it was going to occupy - I thought it was just going to be the north half, but it crossed the street and was around the Katy Depot. It was hard to get around (lots of streets closed, both for the festival, and some were just torn up*)
Eventually though I found a spot on the other side of the building, near a sports bar type restaurant (which was open, but it was early enough there was no lunch crowd yet)
The yarn shop wasn't busy. A couple people peeked in and out, I hope this doesn't mean they won't make it. (They do offer classes which may be well attended, I don't know. And they sell online). Already I'm losing Quilt Asylum; not sure I will deal well with losing one of the very few other businesses that is a fun and nice place for me
At any rate, I did my part to keep them afloat a little while longer:
A skein of Smooshy with Cashmere in the color Water Dragon (sort of Monet colors), a skein of a yarn of an unfamiliar brand in a green speckle. Both probably for socks, though I could see a shawlette out of the Water Dragon.
And a copy of Knitting Van Gogh. It's rare enough these days I find a new knitting book that's remotely affordable (A lot of them are art books in the $60 range now). This one is nice; Van Gogh is probably my favorite painter** and there are lots of projects in here, from the simple and adaptable (A peasant-type cap, which may be the first thing I make: it takes one 400 g skein of sockweight yarn and is knit in such a way that you essentially fold it double so it's warmer) to the very complex and probably requiring specialized yarns (a really lovely blanket reflecting one of his landscape paintings). There are also some brioche knit items, something I have never learned to do.
I didn't look at the WHOLE book - I know some shopclerks hate that - but I looked and saw enough to know I wanted it. I looked at it more last night at home.
There's a nice ombre top made with KnitPicks' Palette that I'd be tempted by except the big dolman sleeve style isn't so great for me.
But there is also a Van Gogh doll! which I might make, though I'd consider getting nice acrylics instead of wools - anything that sits on a shelf here, you have to be careful, because here in the south there are enough Critters (even if you're a more careful housekeeper than I am) that will eat things like that.
And it's just a nice book to look at.
So I paid, and walked back out to my car, and realized something.
This is the parking lot by the Green Growler. It's brick, and it's fairly uneven (I am guessing it dates to the early 20th c). And I remember how the FIRST time I came to the yarn shop's location here - their opening weekend - it was a month after I injured my knee, and I could BARELY make it across this, even with the four-footed cane, and it was intensely painful to walk across (as was the hard floor in the depot itself).
This weekend? No discomfort.
I stopped for a moment to feel the gratitude for the fact that I'm almost entirely healed (and that if I keep up with the stretching, I can walk almost without any pain at all).
After that, I had an unmemorable lunch (a salad and cup of mac and cheese at the Panera) and decided to hit Michael's before the grocery shopping. I didn't NEED anything but it's nice to look around
And I saw this, and first cringed and then chuckled. And took a photo, which I posted on bluesky with the caption
"Angry Auntie Trixie Voice: 'MUFFIN CUPCAKE HEELER!""
I can't tell if the shelf just collapsed on its own, or if someone did that. At any rate, I don't envy the employee who has to reorganize that.
And then I did my grocery shopping, and then back home.
(*we just LIVE with constant disruptive road construction everywhere. I've forgotten what it's like to get somewhere easily. Just like I've forgotten what it's like to walk into a grocery and find everything I need in stock. I don't know if it's just where I live, or if everything is just.....worse......now than it was like 15 years ago)
(** yes I know perhaps "basic," but I've loved his work since I first saw reproductions of it as a kid. And this never fails to make me cry, knowing how unhappy he was during his life and how he never received recognition)
A couple weeks ago I did some cleaning in my dining room, once again freeing up full access to my cookbook shelves, so as I eat now, I glance through one of them
I have a LOT of cookbooks. In truth, I probably only really use four or five of them extensively, but I like having the other ones to look at.
And something struck me looking through some of the older ones I have.
I have a number of cooking-for-one and cooking-for-two books.
The cooking-for-two books go back farther - the cooking for one ones seemed to mostly start being offered in the 1980s, when it seemed like it finally became plausible that a fully grown adult (a) might want to keep living alone and (b) wants to cook for themselves even though they are alone.
(Wait, no, I take it back: I have a copy of "Gourmet Cooking for One (or More)" by Robert Graham Paris that dates to the late 1960s. I bought it at the redoubtable Ann Arbor Public Library used book sale back when I was in college....)
Cooking for two books, though, go back at least to the 30s. And it makes sense: new brides would not have "little ones" (presumably) until at least a few months after the wedding, and even then - children don't eat the same food as their parents, or as much, for at least a few years. And of course even back then there were childless couples. And couples whose children had grown and left the nest.
Sociologically the books are interesting. Some of the cooking-for-one books were written by either divorced or widowed women (the author of my much-used copy of "Going Solo in the Kitchen" was divorced) or in some cases by what used to be called "confirmed bachelors" (I *think* Paris was gay based on something I've read; one more recent cooking-for-one book I have, the author described some of his attractions to men in his circle. And yes, it seems the "for one" and "for two" books are a bit more personal, and the author may talk about their life)
But the books for married couples, where it's just the two of them, it's kind of interesting (and perhaps a bit sad, in one case).
One set of books I was looking at recently were these:
A lot of the book is devoted to "the chase" with the note in several places that the "Old Charlie" who lives in the apartment downstairs will more likely become your mate than the investigative reporter, or the jet-setter, or the rich man.
I've made a few of the recipes; they're decent, plain food. Easy to make, and small enough to be manageable for one person without having to do a lot of dividing of quantities.
This one was one that came from the same Ann Arbor Public Library sale, back in the late 80s. I didn't even know of the existence of the sequel until a couple years ago and I started hunting for it when I learned about it.
I think I finally found it through Etsy? There are a couple folks on there who sell vintage cookbooks. Anyway, I was interested to see what they did with the trope.
One of the things I admit I sometimes think about is the alternate universe where I married and had kids. Or where I lived maybe five or seven decades earlier, and had HAD to marry as a way of having financial security (apparently in many states, women could not have their own bank accounts before the 70s). And I do kind of vaguely understand that 50s/60s housewife thing, in its most stereotypical form - not working, going out to play bridge one afternoon a week. If you didn't have kids - or had enough money for a maid or cleaner - you probably wouldn't have as much housework (my house gets pretty messy,, because I essentially fill both roles, of breadwinner and homemaker and it frankly is kind of a lot for one person) and you might be a bit freer to play bridge, and maybe be in clubs, or do volunteer work.
(I have read as the older generation of women die off, and more of my generation remain working/unretired, a lot of the work at churches and non profit groups is going to go undone, and some may fold. Well, I guess that's life? Depending on the goodwill voluntary labor of people in an economy where there is increasing pressure to do more and more paid work, is a bad gamble)
And that her main "circle" was serving.....both the volunteer work, but also caring for children (if she had them) AND FOR HER HUSBAND.
In the Kragen/Perry married-couple book, there's a lot of that uncomfortable 1960s married humor, where it feels like it borders on "I low-level dislike my spouse some times and they are a burden to me" and yeah, I get it - if you're in a society where your choice as a woman is probably marriage or penury and living in a boarding house, you'll put up with a lot for financial security. But it makes me sad.
There's also talk of having to "coddle the creature" - I guess the "man cold" has always been a joke women make.
And this raises for me an uncomfortable fact that I see in my own life, even though I am not cooking or cleaning for anyone but me: women seem to be expected an awful lot to take care of other people's feelings, and maybe have theirs unmet.
Because that's not just when you're a 50s housewife.
I often see this in my own life. I have a couple *very* anxious students this semester, and I wind up doing a LOT of reassuring of them.. And I find myself asking myself again: "quis consolator consolator?" (from Google Translate, so that may be incorrect).
But yes, a lot of the time I spend so much time and effort soothing other people's feelings that I come home and I have nothing left for myself. And even talking to my mom on the phone....I find with my dad gone, I often fall into that verbal-consolation role for her. (I think I see now where my anxiety came from). And while on some level I'm glad I can be of service like that.....on another, there are times I really want, as I've said, for someone to sigh and calmly say "Babe, we're not going to run out of gas" (from a snipped on the weather channel, back when there was a bad winter storm near Atlanta, and they talked to a couple stuck in a traffic jam, and the woman was worrying they'd run out of gas before they could get home, and the man - her husband, I presume - sighed, and said, "Babe, we're not going to run out of gas")
And I do suspect perhaps back then, unless she had a really good female friend and confidante, or the sort of relationship with her mother where she could tell her everything, a lot of women lacked that and....just kind of soldiered on with their emotional needs a bit unmet.
But also, being expected to put up with your husband's lunkhead friends periodically showing up and needing to be fed, or him deciding he's going to jet off to go play golf somewhere and leave you at home to hold down the fort, or arrive home grumpy and expect to both be soothed and to be fed dinner RIGHT AWAY....that would make it harder and perhaps even lonelier than my coming home to an empty house at the end of the day, where at least the only person I have to feed is myself, and if I am displeased in my cooking effort I can sigh and either throw away the ruined food and eat a bowl of cereal instead, or I can shrug and to "it's not what I wanted but it's still food"
But yeah, I don't find the battle-of-the-sexes humor very funny.
Much nicer are some of the stories my parents used to tell about their early married days: dealing with the challenges together (when the movers dropped their nearly-new refrigerator on the outside stairs leading up to their new apartment, and they watched it literally roll down the stairs and come to rest at the bottom) or doing fun things (apparently cooking together, and small grad-student dinner parties, were a thing - and they knew a few International students (a Japanese woman, and a couple from India), and as much as was possible with the limited availability of ingredients, learning to cook dishes from their cultures. More of an evenly-matched situation.
And that surely existed! And hopefully was more the rule than the exception. And one of the books I own touches on that:
Quick and Easy Meals for Two, by Louella Shouer
There are a LOT of recipes, ranging from the economical to the more luxurious, in this book. They're thematically arranged - a section for each season (And I think Shouer must have been an East Coaster; she refers to shad roe, something I have never even seen), a section of "party recipes," a section of international meals, a section of "Penny Pinching" meals (with the pleasant idea that maybe the cooks are saving money to buy their first house), a section of meals you can make with a very limited kitchen (a two burner hotplate and tiny fridge)....it's very useful. I've made a few things out of it and the recipes are solid if not fancy.
But one of the conceits of the book, that she mentions several places, is the idea of shared labor - that "whoever gets home first should start this dessert" or similar things.. The idea that the couple both cook, both take an active role, and share the labor. And to me, that's a lot cozier and happier than the woman doing the cooking and the man stomping home at 6 pm expecting to be handed a martini and not talked to until after dinner was over. That's more the sort of marriage I'd want if I had one - someone willing to share the load or at the very least, hang out in the kitchen with me and talk while I chopped vegetables or something.
And yeah, yeah, I get it: if she's not working outside the home and he works long hours, maybe you make allowances for him. But the "Honeymooners" style marriage does seem very outmoded to me now; it was probably outmoded in 1959 when my parents got married.
But one thing books like that "how to keep him" one remind me: being single isn't the worst thing.
I mean, probably the BEST (and maybe some of my married readers would agree) is having a compatible spouse you do things with, and where you can, like, kind of banter and joke back and forth while cooking or doing the dishes or whatever. Like I said, that seems cozy and happy.
The next best is maybe a partner who isn't totally communicative, and maybe sometimes forgets it should be a partnership, but is basically decent and who does sometimes remember to bear their share of the work.
And then, maybe, singledom? It's lonely some times and difficult some times, but like I said: on the rare evening when I get home and feel like "ugh, I do NOT want to make any food" I can either zap something from the freezer or even just fix a bowl of Cheerios and no one is going to look sad-faced at me (either because "I have to eat this slop, too?" or the more empathetic "you had a hard day so this is all you have the energy left to manage, poor thing")
But the worst would be a partner who was demanding - the "comes home at 5 pm, wants a cocktail and the newspaper/tv news, doesn't want to be talked to until well after dinner, expects dinner, what he wants, when he wants it" or even someone who was verbally (or worse) abusive.
I don't know. Being a human is hard. Some days I like to imagine it would be easier with someone else there but I also realize I have to recognize that often it *isn't* - several of the ladies from church I eat lunch with after church, they are all either widows or a couple are divorced - almost to a woman they say they wouldn't remarry* given the chance
(* or cohabitate without marriage. In some cases older couples are doing that now because apparently sometimes there are pension penalties if you remarry, which seems unfair to me)
But it is also kind of sad and lonely being alone a lot a lot of the time, and I feel like I'm maybe a bit more anxious and worried than I would be if I had someone there to talk to, and ideally, someone who COULD sigh kindly and tell me the equivalent of "babe, we're not gonna run out of gas" when I was worrying about something.
