The heavy weather

 They were predicting storms last night. At first they were kind of dismissive, but then as the evening wore on they warned more and more strongly.

I moved some sturdy shoes and "street clothes" (I was in my pajamas) to the interior bathroom I would use as a tornado shelter. As it turned out, I didn't need them. 

We didn't get storms overnight, but they came in very early this morning. I lost power a couple times (and finally, when it came back, even though it was about an hour before I needed to leave, I hit the button on the garage door opener, just in case)

Suddenly, the wind got very strong and I could hear rain being driven against the front of the house. No sirens, and they said later it was mostly "straight line winds" (which can still cause pretty serious damage). They warned there were downed trees in town, but fortunately I could wait until it was light out to drive in. Around me I only saw small branches and twigs down. I taught my first class and then went up to my office building, and, well:

 The groundskeepers came later (while I was trying to write an exam!) to cut it up with chainsaws.

Also, a couple houses in town were damaged; one near my office building had a tree come down on what looked like a bedroom. I hope no one was hurt, but I think if they had been I'd have heard about it on the news. 

After the storm blew through, it got really windy and chillier and now we're having issues with blowing dust - my car is VERY dirty now and I thought to run it through the car wash on my way home but MAN the lines, so I guess I'll try Thursday? (Tomorrow is my longest teaching day and I have to help with the Ash Wednesday early-evening service, so I don't think I'll have time). 

I also noticed when I got home that one of my yaupon hollies had partially broken. I think it'll survive but I'll have to get out and cut out the broken piece (it's a very large branch, one of the major branches). I may wait until I can get someone to spot me on a ladder: I don't think I can quite reach it from the ground. But it's not crucial at the moment because it's not blocking anything.

At any rate, I got lucky at my house (no real damage) and I'm glad I had that ailing big elm taken down this past summer; it probably would have come to grief today if I hadn't. 

working on socks

 I have the heel flap almost done on the ombre socks. I think I'm glad I worked from opposite ends of the ball rather than trying to make them "matchy"

 It's getting tot he point where I will be into the pattern - I don't know that I'll get into the dark pink on the toe of the second sock or not; that pale pink and lavender color didn't make it into the first sock.

Over the weekend I knit some on the Roadside Attraction socks; this is the ball of yarn I have on that Pendel thing, which works well to corral the ball of yarn

 Other than that, today was long and tiring and a little upsetting, and we're likely to have severe weather overnight. I like spring here but I sure don't like the tornado risks. We're under a tornado watch until like 5 am. I use my phone as an alarm clock now so I expect to be awakened by the weather alerts.

 Which is better than NOT, if it's something serious, but if it's far away from me or something like "lightning in the area" that I don't need to react to, it's not too great.

the day out

 I was tired yesterday evening, and also had to make a dish to take to a potluck (we had a job candidate in and it had been a while since I provided the main dish for one of these). 

And today was equally long: gave an exam, graded another exam, went to the candidate's job talk and then out to the dinner with them.

But I did go out yesterday after my office hours. Got a seafood lunch, went to the yarn shop

The dark blue yarn is for a simple slouch type hat (knit double and folded in on itself) from the Van Gogh Knits book - it's a recreation of a hat (the original was red) that Van Gogh painted an agriculture worker as wearing. The pink and gold yarn - there are three skeins, it's a  Life in the Long Grass yarn - is for a shawl. Yes, it was a LOT of money for yarn, and yes, I haven't knit much on a lace shawl in a very long time. But maybe I get back to it soon, I hope. I'm not sure what pattern to use but I have a bit over 1200 yards, so that's enough for most fingering-weight shawls. I will have to look at my patterns. The color is called Rose Gold and it's two of my favorite colors - that pink, and a soft golden yellow.

 I also wound up going to Michael's (Well, I had WANTED to go to the used book store, but couldn't see a parking place anywhere near it, so I planned to go back later)

I had a $20 voucher, thanks to the money I spent on the framing (which still isn't done, but they didn't think it would be until March 8). I decided to just spend it all at once; there might be a while before I can get back.

It took me a while to find something I wanted but I bought two skeins of Wool-Ease (I couldn't find any of my true mittens during the recent cold snap, just fingerless gloves, so I decided to knit myself some new ones) and a kid for one of these little critter things:

 

There was about 55 cents or so left on the voucher and Michael's has a program that donates craft supplies to kids in the hospital, and it asked me if I wanted to do that, and why not at that point? I had what I wanted and it would just expire anyway. 

I then went back and did find parking near the used-book shop; this is the one that moved down there from here. (I'm still a little sore about that, though I suppose they had their reasons). The owner remembered me though.

I did find two recent mystery novels I wanted

 I've never read an Arcenaux novel before but it looks interesting (set in Louisiana) and I am a big fan of Louise Penny already and this is one of hers I've not read.

I also walked over to what used to be called the Coffee Collective (it goes by a different name now, I guess). They sell houseplants and while they are *pricy* (most of my houseplants are ones I got as cuttings from friends), they had one I've wanted for a LONG time. A Hoya contorta, which once upon a time was called Hindu rope plant (I have no idea what, if any, common name it has now). I remember my mother having one when I was a kid; I think she gave it to a friend in Ohio when they moved from there in 1989. I don't think she took many houseplants with them when they moved; I think she figured they wouldn't survive. I guess she did take the Christmas cactuses she wound up inheriting from her mother (who died a few weeks earlier that year) but I think most of the plants she had were rehomed.

Anyway, I wanted one of these for a while

 It's small. And it needs repotting - I need to look up what kind of soil it prefers and get a better pot (or find one - I think I have an empty one that's suitable) for it. I want to take care of it both because it was expensive, and it was one I really wanted. 

After all that, I realized I was close to the Albertson's, and I needed milk, and I thought, "Well, they were kind of sad and run down the last time I was in years ago, but I can still get milk.

Turns out they've been renovated, and it's a REAL glow-up. It reminds me of the "nice" Schnucks and Jewel stores near my mom - they even have some of the same brands (Signature and O Organics) as Jewel does. So I did a little shopping (got the milk, and some other things ahead for the weekend) and then this:

 I hadn't had time to make a cake for myself, and I knew I wouldn't, so I got myself this. It was pretty good for  "store" cake. 

And also, maybe this Albertson's is my new "big shopping" grocery. It certainly feels easier to get to than the Kroger's in Sherman, which isn't that much farther, but is a less direct route - the Albertson's is close to the nice Denison downtown, where I'd want to go anyway, and it's almost right off the interstate. 

one more sleep

 well, early tomorrow morning (6:05 am Eastern Standard Time, so 5:05 am here) I turn 56.

 I don't know. This year has already been difficult in a number of years and sometimes the joy is awfully hard to find.

I still enjoy teaching; it's probably the main thing keeping me going right now.

Also, piano playing is in one of its better cycles right now; it does bring me considerable comfort to sit down and play - mostly hymns these days; I have both Philip Keveren arrangements (slightly simpler/easier) and the Faye Lopéz arrangements where she does them in the style of various well-known classical pieces (one of my favorites being Jesus Loves Me* in the style of Macdowell's "To A Wild Rose")

 

(*it's a simple song, maybe, and childish, maybe, but it is weirdly comforting to me. I remember some of the good Sunday School teachers when I was a tiny child singing it, and learning it in there and vacation Bible school. We even learned an ASL version of it! And yes, it's simple, but sometimes you need to hear and think that yes, Jesus loves me. Because too often it feels like nothing and no one in this world does.)

And yes, I still knit, but none of my projects seem to be moving forward.

And yes, I'm still sad and angry about JoAnn's closing down; such a selfish decision on the part of the new owners, to basically strip it for parts and sell all of it off. I wonder what will move into that huge building where it was; it's the wrong time of year for Spirit Halloween.

I bet though we see a lot more empty commercial buildings that don't ever re fill. 

But anyway. Tomorrow is my birthday, and I am taking the comforts while I still can. I am skiving off from some of my office hours tomorrow and driving to Denison. I am going to the yarn shop and to the used-book store and out to lunch and likely to Michael's also. And not worry about spending money on things. ("Yarn will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no yarn")

(And anyway: my paycheck for February hit my account today, and I'm all paid up on bills until the Mastercard one comes in in a week)

And yeah, I do feel slightly guilty cancelling my office hours, though I have informed people that I won't be there. I wish I weren't so dutiful. (But I also have to make a dish for a potluck tomorrow night, so if I waited until noon to leave, I wouldn't have enough time to do what I want). 

And technically, at least staff people can take their birthdays off (as long as they make up the missed time - but I more than do that with the grading-at-home and the extras I do).

But I still feel a little guilty. But the weather will be better than on Saturday, and Zoom knitting is that day anyway. 

Sadly, they didn't finish my framing job early at Michael's (I was hoping beyond hope, but no) so I can't pick that up, but I might see about using the $20 voucher I've accumulated on....something. I don't know what (Maybe a couple more knitting needles or crochet hooks, or if there's a pattern book I kind of want but don't have, that would work too)

 

one birthday present

 My mom asked what I had wanted, and I didn't really know, but I had seen a yarn-holding set up that seemed pretty clever, and also, it meant some business could go Quixotic Fibers' way, so I passed their number on to her and said I wanted this:

 It's a Lykke brand "Pendel" yarn holder. The spindle-shaped thing (or it's also kind of shaped like a drop spindle) attaches at the top with a strong magnet - so you can easily take your yarn off if you want, and also, it will revolve as you knit

Here it is with yarn. That's a skein of Purl's Yarn Emporium yarn in the "Second Breakfast" colorway; I'm considering using it for cabled socks (I will have to look at my patterns, or maybe just figure out a couple small cables  that run down the front or sides of the sock.

 The holder itself is made of shisham, which is also called Indian rosewood, and apparently it's a fast growing tree that can be sustainably grown and harvested. There are a couple screws you have to insert and lock into place with an Allen wrench to attach the arm that holds the spindle, but it's easy to do and the "pilot holes" have receptacles in them made of metal and threaded, so it seems more sturdy than if you just screwed into the wood. 

Monday evening things

 * Well, I guess it's happening: ALL the JoAnn's fabrics stores are closing. Stupid private equity again, slaughtering the goose to get all the golden eggs NOW. That means there really aren't any chains left that sell true dressmaker fabric. And small businesses that do are few and far between. I haven't sewn clothing in years, but I'd like to have the option to.

I guess one can still mail order, but.......I need reasons to leave the house and places that feel safe and welcoming and JoAnn's was one of those. I don't like gambling, so I will never go to the casino. And I don't drink., And I don't do "shooting sports," and I don't have kids, so I'm closed out of a lot of places here. 

For now I have the small yarn shop (which I will support for as long as we have them) and Michael's. 

*In fact, I was at Michael's this weekend; I had gotten an ad noting that they had a framing sale and I decided that I wanted to get my painting  framed. Not so much because I think it's so wonderful, but to me it represents me doing something I'd never done before and a step out of my comfort zone.

I chose a rustic wood (slightly gray toned) frame. It's supposed to be done on or before March 8th. Then I'll have to figure out where to put it up. 

I did also earn a generous "voucher" (because of what I spent) so I might take that when I go down there on my birthday and use it on something, if I can find something I want. 

* I was working on the (seemingly endless) blanket this evening; I'm almost up to the point of another color shift (light to darker pink) so that feels like a bit of progress on that

But I also got to thinking - this is yarn I bought at JoAnn's. I bought lots of those "color shifting" cake yarns from there (I have a couple more blankets' worth...) but now that won't happen any more. And I was sad again. 

And yeah, sometimes I do wonder if everything that matters to me is going away. I know I'm weird and have weird interests and so it's not "profitable" to cater to me, but darn it, it would be NICE to get to keep a few stores that sell the things I like. 

* I was also thinking about the tempest in a teacup of right now: the "justify your job in five bullet point" email thing, and I find the existence of the whole thing upsetting on several levels:

- I am a rule follower, who wants to do things "right." I probably would have been one of the fools who set myself up by doing the response right away (even though several agencies basically told their employees "don't do it, this isn't legal, we are looking into what's going on"

- realizing that if I were someone that "leadership" wanted gone, I'd be gone. There's really no fairness or loyalty any more and you can't trust anyone. We're all really "at will" employees now (meaning at the will of our employer). So taking a lower paying job with the promise of job security is probably a foolish gamble.

- Once again, the things that I value are not things the world values; and the things I am good at are not things that have value in this world. And that's a very isolating and terrible feeling. All of what's going on makes me feel small and sand and reminds me I don't matter, and this world could squash me like a bug and I'd be gone and few people would even care. Not a good think the week of your birthday, but here we are.

* And yeah. I guess I'm still gonna try to go do something Thursday, even though I know going places By Yourself on your birthday is kind of odd and probably looks loserish to normal people, but I don't have anyone to go with me. So I'm going to go out to lunch and to the yarn shop and Michael's and perhaps the used book store that used to be in my town but moved to the greener pastures of Denison. And beyond that, I don't know. We have a job candidate in Friday and I volunteered to make one of the dishes for the potluck lunch, though I might make something that could pass a day in the fridge (doing it Wednesday evening) and then heat it up Friday morning)

I do wish I had more to look forward to on my birthday but adult birthdays are a cheat. 

My personality antecedents

In a discussion with a friend this morning I mentioned a meeting (online) I had had to go to - I would still be in it now but it ran much shorter than I was told it would [and I cancelled my classes for nothing today])

But at any rate, I thought of this image, which my dad had hanging up for YEARS in his office as a department chair:

I remember finding that REALLY funny the first time I saw it (I was about 20). He and I had similar senses of humor (and similar low tolerances for "time wasting" meetings)

 

But we were somewhat similar in other ways. I know I've posted this before but this was something I rescued from his old files after he died, when my mother and I were going through all of them and sending most of the stuff to recycling

 

 

 

I have it up on the side of the file cabinet next to my desk, where I can see it as I work. On good days I still believe it even if more and more it feels like the outside world would mostly reject this.

 

(One of the things I find most frustrating about the New Reality is how much of it is pure transactionality: the worth of something is only what you can charge someone for it, and things like beauty or virtue or nature are literally worthless. It makes me sad, because what the world now (and perhaps always has) views as worthless are the things I value most)

 

Oh, there are other things that he and I shared that maybe aren't so great - extreme self-criticism, a tendency to be anxious about certain threats, a desire to control what one cannot control/take responsibility for things that aren't one's responsibility

 

But also another thing: one thing i remember about him, some years before he passed, he was given a sort of "distinguished service" award from the congregation he belonged to (for having served in the choir, as a deacon, later as an elder, still later as a trustee, having been on ministerial search committees, and providing advice on some matters related to his specialty) and his response was a sort of bafflement: "Why are they giving me this? I am only doing what people are supposed to do!" And yup. It set a pretty high bar for me, too, and perhaps that's also why I quietly rage to myself (not to the other person, I can't to the other person) when someone "flakes" or doesn't step up and carry a responsibility they should. 

 

But yeah, I find myself thinking about him at times and what I inherited from him - not the small IRA, not the rockpick or the pocketknife, but the personality traits....

not quite there

 I started the heel flap on the ombre socks tonight, and I guess it's finally at the change over point where it'll repeat the colors in the other sock, but the legs will have colors not found in the other sock

 I don't know. I don't know how I feel about them right now. It was a hard week (and still isn't over) and so I'm inclined to be dissatisfied at everything. 

I was too cold all week, I kept getting muscle cramps (especially in the back of the thigh of my right leg, the one with the bad knee) and my upper back hurt from having been too cold much of the week. And I tried to do things that were helpful and was rejected at every turn. And I had people not pay attention to me, and then when I explained the thing they ignored they kept on ignoring me. And I lost half a day, practically, to the bad battery in the car (which shouldn't have been and I really think they gave me a battery that got put on a shelf instead of being disposed of). And just the whole outside world (now: we might lose the USPS as something even somewhat subsidized? So probably no more greeting cards or anything and packages being unaffordably high to ship).

So I'm just dissatisfied. I wish this all had not happened in my time. 

Next week is my birthday. If I at all can* I am bailing on part of my office hours next Thursday and going to Denison, to go out to lunch and to the yarn shop and the used book store and maybe the Michael's. 

(*but I fully expect, because life just dumps now, for there to be an EMERGENCY MEETING I must attend that will mean I can't)

I'm also telling myself this month I can mail order some stuff I want before going back to being more frugal. 

Well, one thing was ordered a *while* back, but it had to be pre-ordered

 

That's Falstaff, one of the Duolingo characters - he's a grumpy bear who likes jazz on vinyl records.

Even though he's grumpy, so don't tell him, he's very huggable and it does help a little bit with all the upset I cope with when I get home, tired,  at the end of the day and make the mistake of looking at a little news to see what's going on in the world. Or when I hurt and am cold.

But I'm not sure what else for my birthday. I'd like to do something fun and different, but am coming up empty. There's not a whole lot here. And I can't drive very far way unless I plan something on Saturday.

 

Like I said: I'm bad at fun. I don't know how to have it, and I know even less how to after the pandemic, when I forgot how to go out and do stuff. Probably what I need to do is make my peace with "you're not a fun person, you're actually kind of boring and you should just leave the fun things for other people who know how to have fun and just accept that it's not for you"