Finished a thing

 Well, actually, finished several things:

 - graded all the "catch up" (late) grading

 - graded the exam I gave today

 - wrote the biostats final

But also, I finished the knitting on mitts for the AAUW exchange and put them out to block, both to stretch them a bit (so they will fit better when sewn up) and to show off the lace pattern. 

Here's a closer view of one

They get sewn up and a "keyhole" left in the seam for the thumb

I've begun thinking about travel projects. I want to cast on for the socks I am trying to make my mom for Christmas but will have to only work on those up in my room or at times when I'm apart from her. But I also have the pastel ombre socks (for me) to get back to, and I might wind off yarn for a pair of small cabled socks - I found a pale gray with a few pastel flecks, and a pattern called "boxelder" socks with small isolated cables. But also, I have the dream-in-color brand yarn (a dk weight) and a very simple mitt pattern that is like a knit-round (and plain stockinette, not lace) version of the gift mitts pictured above. 

That's probably enough projects; I tend to take too much. I might take along the book on seashells and if I don't finish "Cry, The Beloved Country," take that to read as well. And at least one mystery novel, and perhaps something else.

A few photos

 I think I mentioned buying some "vintage" (late 60s) tree ornaments from a couple Etsy sellers. They're Jewelbrite (or Jewel Brite) brand. Apparently made in the US, all plastic. (I have another one of those "plastic capsule with figure inside" ornaments, but it's a goofy little Santa and it has the feeling of one of those Made-in-Japan things where the Christmas traditions didn't quite translate:

The Jewelbrite ornaments, while plastic, are a bit more artistic and, dare I say, reverent? The main one I wanted featured the Holy Family:

I also got two of the three kings. I was hoping (I didn't remember because I ordered these at different times) to get all three of the kings. But I did get Caspar

And TWO Balthazars, but no Melchior. (If I remember correctly, the traditional names were Caspar for the one from sort of a "European like" area (white skin) and Balthazar was from Africa (dark skin) and Melchior was from an unspecified Asian area. And yes, I know - this is all syncretion and there's not really any textual support for it, but it's kind of nice, I think.

So I have my two Balthazars. Which might be appropriate as I have read that sub-Saharan Africa is one area where Christianity is actually gaining adherents.

I dunno. I just think the ornaments are neat. They're a little before my time and my parents didn't have any of them, but they are very much the style of ornaments that were common when I was a kid. 

There were apparently other designs: different shapes to the "capsules," and there were more "secular Christmas" symbols like Santa and reindeer in some I've seen. But these were affordable and they are nice. 

I also bought a little flocked angel at the one antique shop I went to on Saturday:

Again, we didn't have one exactly like this when I was a kid, but this is very much the style of ornaments we had, so I like it.

*****

I also finally got some photos of Darwin, the departmental kitten (several people share custody of him and one of them take him home every night, and he comes in to campus most days and hangs out in one of my colleague's offices, and people kind of use him as a therapy cat. He is tiny - he was an abandoned kitten and is probably somewhere between six and eight weeks old now. He is VERY sweet and likes to be held. A couple times when I've been holding him up against my chest he's gone to sleep, or once, I was holding him vertically (one hand under his backside, one on his back, his head looking up and me) and he went into a "loaf pose" (tucking his feet in) against my chest which was almost impossibly cute.

He has that sort of funny fuzzy kitten coat, with some longer hairs that stick out, you can see it here on his back

Leaving this here

 So I can find the link again, especially for after Thanksgiving when I'm (hopefully) less busy:

List of 2024 Christmas movies on OTA/cable television

 

the times are Eastern so I'll have to mentally subtract an hour. Home Alone II is on tonight and so I might just have that as background noise while I try to relax this evening. (Most of these movies I know well enough that I don't really actively watch them but they provide a distraction from the silence of my house)

 

And I find I'm back to disliking the Hallmark type ones. I swing wildly back and forth on these; some years I enjoy them even though I know they're nowhere on the same planet as reality. Other years, to quote Dorothy Parker about something very different, "Tonstant Weader fwowed up"

something I've realized

 Today was a busy day. I collected a take home exam (and managed to grade them all between classes and meetings), met with and heard the talks by a job candidate, taught two of my three classes scheduled (the third one, we already finished the material, so I told them to work on their final papers instead). 

And mid afternoon, just after 4, as I was finishing the grading, I thought, "I feel really sad. This isn't good"

(Especially considering I kind of agreed to go out to the group dinner tonight with the job candidate)

And then I realized: you felt this before. You felt this when you wrote the exam (which is a very mentally intensive task). Apparently now a new thing for me is when I use my brain too much in a day it makes me sad.

This is suboptimal.

I mean, there are a lot of sad-making things out in the world - the future is a bit alarming. And I still have a long list of things to try to get done this week. And I once again ran across this quotation from Anthony Bourdain and felt sad again that often the interesting and fundamentally kind people leave us early, and the unkind people are always with us:

“Have dinner tonight at a local restaurant. Order the cream sauce. Have a cold beer at 4pm in a nearly empty bar. Go somewhere you’ve never been before. Listen to someone who, at first glance, seems like you have nothing in common.

Try the rare steak. Savor an oyster. Order a negroni. Order two. Open yourself up to a world where you may not understand or agree with the person next to you — but toast them anyway.

Eat slowly. Tip your server well. Check in on your friends. Check in on yourself. And enjoy every second of it.”

And yes, it's unlikely I'd ever have a cold beer in a nearly empty bar - I dislike beer and feel unwelcome in bars. But I do eat at local restaurants (more often lunch than dinner). I try to understand the people around me. And I do tip my servers well, waiting tables is hard work.

But I do struggle to enjoy every second, and I think a lot of it is that I am just tired a lot. I don't know if I've lost some of my ability to "do" like I once had (age) or if I am just not sleeping enough or if the pandemic did break something in me that won't heal (and there are other bits of News of the World that remind me that meritocracy was a myth, and that I wasn't as "gifted" as I was told I was as a student, and that trying to be a fundamentally decent person probably won't get you far in this world and might even actively hurt you)

Maybe I'll feel better when I finish the gift mitts. Or when I get a little time to relax, I don't know.  Tomorrow is an easier teaching day (one class) but I need to look at one of my finals and fundamentally rewrite big chunks of it (didn't cover some of the material) and also prepare the review guides for the finals in the other classes. And I have to print out my tickets, I keep forgetting that, and check the list of things I need to take and think about packing. And start thinking about moving my supplies for labs somewhere before the construction begins. 

But at least now I know when I feel inexplicably sad after a long day, it is likely just being tired.

Heh - I remember when I was a kid once and I was sad and crying about something and someone asked me what was wrong, and I responded "oh, I'm just tired" which was an oddly adult thing for me to say at like six, but I did. (And now I wonder if I either heard one of my parents say it about me to someone else when I was crying over an actual slight, or if maybe my mom said it on one of the very rare instances when I saw her crying). But yeah. I'm just tired.

finished a thing

 This is the first (of two) of squares that will get sewn up into a simple pair of wristlets for the AAUW gift. I am about 1/3 of the way through the second one; really hoping to finish these this weekend.

 

 Tomorrow is my day out. I didn't get as much time to relax or clean as I planned today; I didn't get the grading I wanted to complete done as fast as I wanted to. 

What I need is a gift (If I can find the thing I want) for my niece, and a few nonperishables that I can't get in town. Oh, and a small toy for the AAUW meeting; we're asked to bring a toy costing $10 or less for Toys for Tots. (And I might buy a bigger one to donate myself; I've done that many years).

I also want to go antiquing and to the various craft stores. I bought a pattern off Etsy for something called a Wobblemop (a fantasy animal) that has very bright neon hair so I might consider getting some really obnoxiously bright acrylic yarn and some white or cream (that's what the originals are shown as,, and that's what appeals to me) and plan it as an over-break (over CHRISTMAS break) project. 

I do also want to start Bluey some time but these gloves - a gift - are more urgent

Missed a day

 Well, a couple.

If anyone IS still reading.....I know in the earlier days of blogs when someone missed a few days of posting, if they were a regular poster, sometimes people worried a bit.

I'm still here. Just busy and intermittently freaked out at the brave new world (with such people in it, oy) that we're experiencing. I guess I mislabeled my Tuesday post as Monday, and then Wednesday was a long and difficult board meeting (we all agreed on the couple things we had to vote on, it's just they weren't particularly happy things - dealing with the spiking cost of insuring the place, dealing with a couple people who are in one of the small apartments we rent who are an ongoing problem).

Last night I had a lot of grading and had to prep something for class tomorrow, so my "oh thank goodness I can take the evening off" didn't really happen. I had intended to write something but I wound up getting into bed around 10 and then thinking "crud" but not getting back up to do even a placeholder

But today, yeah - I can leave campus at noon and I have only a tiny bit of grading (short article discussions in one class) and my plan is to do a little cleaning here this afternoon. And then tomorrow - do what in-person Christmas shopping I need to do, and maybe go to at least one of the antique stores, and do some nicer grocery shopping (even if next week I leave for Illinois). 

I need some time off. It's been a LOT of grading this past week, and also a LOT of people to deal with. And three nights this week I was out at meetings. And Monday, we have an interview that I hope goes well, so we can fill an empty position.

Monday evening things

 * I need to maybe relax and knit a little. The news today is kind of scary and also there's a lot of unpleasantness - a case of "suspected road rage" near me where someone threw eggs at another person's car, making that person think they were being shot at. Expect more of this.

Also, coming home, someone was coming down Wilson way too fast and not looking, and I wound up running up on a low curb to avoid being sideswiped - it's a curvy street and people park on it so it is NOT WIDE ENOUGH in places

* Got an e-mail reminding of the impending closure of Quilt Asylum and I'm sad all over again. It'll be a hole in Downtown Denison. Though apparently restaurants are way more profitable/desirable because their downtown director talked about wanting to encourage MORE of them. I don't know. I will be very sad if there's nowhere other than big-box places in a few years but that may be where it's headed.

* And yeah, I am taking this weekend OFF. I'm exhausted. I want to go to Sherman/Denison while there are still places to go. 

For one thing: I realized I really MISS antiquing, I have done it FAR less than before 2020, and I don't think I did it at all this year with my injured knee. I'm probably good enough now to climb the stairs (carefully) in the shops that have them. And they usually have vintage tree ornaments out this time of the year, even if I don't see any I want to buy, it's still nice to see them. 

I might also go to the yarn shop; I'm still slightly spooked by all the Tariff talk, thinking that almost all yarn is produced overseas and at least it'll go up 10% in price and at most in some cases the price might double, and .... yeah, I won't be able to afford to shop for yarn any more.

I shouldn't buy more, but one thing I've learned is that in my dysfunctional relationship with myself, buying myself "presents" is how I do "self care" even though it makes little sense. (I have too much stuff already). I don't know how to break myself of it but I have to. (Well, ha ha, maybe rising prices will)

* And there's this article (Guardian link). Yeah, I feel that.. I can tell when I do a lot of "head work" these days (writing an intensive exam, grading, lots of meetings) I am much less resilient in the evening, and that's when worries about the world weigh heavier on me, or I cry, or I wonder what good can possibly come for me in the future. 

And yes, I also need to find some way to do an end-run around those feelings. Not doing all the work isn't an option and going to bed at 7 pm to get extra sleep feels like that means I lose any personal time I have. I don't have anyone near and dear I can unload on. So I am kind of stuck recognizing "this is a problem" but also "at this point there's no way to make it better"

* it's hard to "make the light" or "find hope." And it's really hard to do alone. And I'm tired, so tired.

looking for light

 One thing I did this weekend was decorate for Christmas. Yes, a week earlier than I sometimes do, but this week ahead is going to be tough (three evening meetings) and I want to leave Saturday open to do a little Christmas shopping.

I admit, I almost didn't do it. I got in A Mood, which I do pretty easily these days, and said "why even bother? everything is bad, there's no comfort or joy in the world, I don't have time, I'll just have to take it all down in January" but then I decided I'd feel sad if I didn't, and better I do it on Saturday afternoon/evening then stay up too late some weeknight. 

First thing I did was change out the lights over the door and over the main windows. This took going up on the step stool so I also changed the furnace filter (the holder is in the ceiling) and flipped the calendar over to November.

The ones that look like a continuous line of yellow are the white lights, against the other colors I guess they look yellow. 

I also put up the snowflake lights. I like these but MAN do they tangle because of the little arms on the snowflakes

they also have a blinking function but they all blink in unison and it's a little too "shop advertising" feeling so I am leaving them on continuous-on

I put up the tree, too. It's harder with a knee that intermittently hurts but I did it. I might not have put as many ornaments up high as I did in the past, up on the step stool at one point I thought "it would be about the stupidest way ever to get seriously injured by falling off a stepladder doing something that was literally unnecessary"

But that, I also got done, and got the old favorite ornaments on. 

I did have two that broke while being stored - the pink toyshop (that one hurt a little, I remember finding it in the "before times" at one of the antique shops. It wasn't valuable - it was probably from the 80s at the earliest - but I liked it and it still made me sad). I also lost one of the faux-Scandinavian style ones but I had another like it. But I hate how stuff breaks or wears out and even if you're careful bad things can happen.

This is the view from my recliner, where I spend a lot of time in my living room

And the front of the tree. You can see I have a lot of "figural" ornaments

And more ornaments:

In the past, I used to regularly buy a new (or new to me) ornament or two. I hadn't for a couple years (pandemic, plus just.....didn't get out as much to do the antique shop circuit). 

I ordered one this year from an artist who does them 

Bernard and Bianca! One of the first movies I remember seeing in the theater (and the first I remember really liking a lot) was the original Rescuers. So it's nice to have this - it's just flat, painted wood, but it's nice. 

I guess it makes me feel a little better having the tree up. I'm hoping when I can finally relax (Thursday) I'll be able to enjoy it more.

Looking for comfort

 Yeah, it was a hard week. Last night AAUW was a program on self-defense, and while the speaker was really good and it was important information, it still added to my anxiety, thinking about how I'd become a little lax (especially coming home after the sun's gone down) and I didn't sleep well last night. 

And next week's gonna be tough (the monthly round of church meetings). 

So I came home a BIT early today (didn't do my last research task; I might try to do that tomorrow morning) and did some cleaning. Usually that makes me feel better, having a clean house. I also did all the accumulated laundry and put it away. I finally cleaned my bedroom and moved some things out of it and put them away, to make room for the knitting stuff I had in the living room

Because I might put my Christmas tree up tomorrow. I guess a lot of people, after this year, are starting to decorate a little early. I did start playing Christmas music on the piano; I'm working on a Philip Keverin arrangement of "Christmastime is here" (I've long thought of that as a favorite piece. And I love it not DESPITE its slightly melancholy sound, but because of it - even though it starts out in F major, it SOUNDS like a minor key to me. Because really, isn't there that little shade of melancholy at Christmas - the knowing there are people you would like to be here but who are not, realizing as an adult you'll never have sense of wonder and unalloyed joy you had as a child)

I do already have one Christmas thing I got; Walgreens had Bluey-themed Advent calendars - those kind with a serious of doors that have a tiny piece of sort of indifferent chocolate in it (it's really more for the doing than the chocolate), though this one is from Canada so the chocolate may be better? I'll open it on the first even though I leave on the 18th; I'll just have to eat those last pieces of chocolate before I leave, or double up for the last week (or during exam week?)

But I did get my bedroom cleaned, and took the 'emergency' little window airconditioner that I installed when the whole-house one wasn't working earlier this summer out of the window and put it away. 

And then I moved some of the knitting stuff I had stacked up (partially finished projects, some yarn I plan to use "next") into the bedroom to get it out of the way of where the tree would go. So now I have a clear place for it when I want to put it up. I might set it up and get the lights on tomorrow and then gradually add the ornaments in the coming week. 

I've decided to get food gifts for everyone I buy gifts for. At my mom's age, she says she doesn't need more "things" and that makes sense but I know she likes the pouches of salmon from Seabear (they're shelf stable) and will order her some. My brother and sister in law may get some Italian-dinner makings if I can find a good place to order from. (My niece might get a sweatshirt with a horse or chickens - her two farming obsessions - if I can find a good one)

But yes, I need a little bit of turning inward for comfort, and thinking about the good things I remember from past Christmases.

Thursday afternoon things

 *Knit a bit more on the mitts, didn't get much done because I was tired after the field lab. I find I tire more easily now when I have to be running around a lot, even though walking on the knee actually makes it hurt less the next day. 

* I bought a couple of James Baldwin books after reading a bit about him. I read the first essay (Autobiographical Notes) in "Notes from a Native Son" last night but was so tired I may have to re-read it because I don't remember a lot of it as well as I'd like. (I am trying to read more - I kind of hate to use the word, but "diverse" books now, ones written by people from different backgrounds to me, and Baldwin seems like a good place to start. I did enjoy the essay, it's just, like so many things now, the facts don't seem to get traction in my brain. I'm sure if I looked at it again I'd remember more than the vague outline of him wanting to be a writer despite his dad wanting him to become a preacher)

* I'm just kind of demoralized about teaching now. After first that issue of the print shop, where I got "yelled at"* because I didn't realize that they didn't receive my exams and then they kind of messed them up when I asked them to redo them. And now the IT didn't reinstall a stats software package I asked them to reinstall over the summer, and which they told me earlier this week they had done, and I was embarrassed in front of my class yesterday when we went in to use it and it wasn't there. I've sent them two e-mails about it and maybe I just e-mail them daily until they fix it. It's interfering with my ability to teach at this point. And the student in another class who complained at me that my exams were to hard and who implied I was a bad teacher was caught twice dinking on their phone in class and I just give up. 

I'm having no work success despite putting in long hours and it's really bumming me out.

(*I tend to interpret things as being "yelled at" for things that might not rise to that level)

* Even though I scarcely knit any more, I've been ordering some "emotional support" yarn (to use the term a friend used on Bluesky). First, another order from Purl's in Asheville, a Hobbit-themed colorway called "Second Breakfast," probably for socks, and today, I found a yarn dyer in Powers, Michigan (which is barely 30 miles from where my grandmother lived) who does "Great Lakes Themed" colorways, so I have some Isle Royale Aurora (with sparkles in it) and Pictured Rocks (with nepps) colorways on their way to me. 

I do need to get back to just knitting, maybe stop trying to find things to watch on tv and just putting calming music on and knitting to try to unwind. I wish I were better at turning my brain off. 

* I don't have a photo but the little Mackenzie plush I finally found in stock somewhere came, so I have my "anxiety pupper" now - and yes, Mackenzie reads as anxious in a couple episodes of the show, the biggest one being where he's playing astronauts with two of his friends, and he wants to explore a black hole but he also asks them to "play like you've left me behind" and in the end, it turns out he's still reliving the time when as a tiny kid, he thought his mom left him behind at a play park (and at the end of the episode, in his imagining, Calypso the wise and kind teacher comes up to him and says gently, "You know what's here now. You don't need to keep coming back to this place." 

and.....and that caught me when I first saw it. Because maybe that is how you heal from that sort of thing (and yes, I have some of that sorts of thing in my life and memories) by recognizing it happened, but you don't have to go back to it.

One of the things I like about the show - and again, I think it's a very wise show, and very emotionally intelligent - is it shows the kids working through things that trouble them. There's also the episode where Bluey finds an injured budgie, and she and her dad take it to a vet, but the vet can't save it, and later, Bluey wants to act out the thing again, with Bingo playing the role of the budgie (except Bingo doesn't understand it, and she plays a surviving budgie, running around and squawking, and Bluey is sad/annoyed).

And I wonder at that: do kids act out sad things or things that worry them? And do they do it as a self-comfort ("I survived this, remember?") or as a way of gaming out situations? I mean, I know a lot of my rumination and "worrying" over bad things - stuff my dad used to tell me "don't borrow trouble"  about - was that my feeling was very much "if I can figure out the worst that can happen, I can figure out how to respond to it, and it will keep me safe in case that happens" 

(And yes, I am doing a bit of that now)

Well, oof.

 I really hope it's not as bad as my doomy brain is telling me, where RFK, jr. gets to gut public health and food safety and the EPA is gone and all of that.

but I think I need a quiet evening. Still here, just....yeah, oof. 

I leave you with a photo from the afternoon's field lab. At least the outdoors is still here

It feels appropriate

 I've written several times about this hymn, and the poem upon which it was based. The idea of making a decision, of being kind of at a precipice where things may change for good or ill, and praying you make the right choice, praying the right thing happens.

I feel it today.

It may be an early night for me; watching the returns, unless we get a lot of blue early on, will be worrisome and honestly I expect between the likely closeness AND the way some of the balloting rules have recently been changed it will be several days at a minimum before we know. 

this has just been a hard semester in a lot of ways and I am STILL thinking about that interaction with a student and feeling bad, and wondering what I could have done differently - then, and also earlier in the semester. I guess I just never really feel like a success any more, and that's not good.

started something new

 I realized if I was going to continue my tradition of a handmade gift for the AAUW gift exchange in early December, I better start it now, given how little time/how slowly I knit now.

I had sort of decided on fingerless mitts, and in fact, bought a skein of on-sale "Eddie Bauer" branded yarn (not actually made by them, the name was just leased) from JoAnn's in a dark blue. It's a wool-alpaca blend and I hope it won't be too scratchy

The pattern I chose is knit flat and seamed which I don't super love, but instead of having to knit on a thumb with a gusset, you just leave a gap in the seam, which is simple. 

It's a lace pattern. They call it Shell Lace Rib, it's a pattern I don't remember ever having knit before. It's pretty straightforward once you learn it - four rows with increases in one row and then decreases in two others, so the number of stitches changes from row to row, but fortunately the rib helps you to keep on track (in between the "shells" there are columns of purl on the right side)

It's about 1/3 done, maybe a little more, there. You knit 9" worth of it. Of course I will need to make two but it seems to go fast enough.

(Tomorrow night I want to find something NOT NEWS to watch - or maybe I just go to bed early and read instead of knitting. Some of the last-minute ads here make me want to punch my tv. I will be glad that they're done)

***

other than that, not a great day. I had someone who made an appointment to "discuss" their class and it turned out to be them accusing me of being a bad teacher and not making fair exams and I really had no recourse, and because I'm a people-pleaser I couldn't bring myself to do anything more forceful than remind them that there's a required syllabus for this class and it covers a lot of material.

but it left me feeling bad and doubting myself. What if I am a bad teacher now? What if students have changed to the point where my style of teaching no longer works? 

I will say later when my soon-to-be-retiring chair stopped by with a scheduling question for next semester, and I mentioned the thing, she shrugged and said "that's why I'm retiring. I had planned to stay on some years longer but I'm so fed up with people being demanding and yet not willing to do any work in class" and kind of, yeah. I mean, yes, it's the first-years I struggle with and once they get a semester or two under their belts they kind of calm down and realize what they have to do, but it's also super demoralizing. 

And a lot of the time these days it feels like I mainly hear complaints and not when I do something well (which makes me wonder if I'm doing anything well). I also find myself soothing other people's feelings a lot and.....it's like no one cares about mine. Which would be okay, except I can't even soothe my own because I'm worn out when I get home and can't do it. 

I don't know. Maybe I have to dump 1/2-3/4 of the clutter in my house and get a cat or a dog so there's at least something that gives the illusion of loving me, I don't know.

The thin places

 Today is All Saint's Day (Halloween is actually "all hallow's eve'). This Sunday is All Saints' Sunday.

Off and on through the years my congregation has observed it. This year, we haven't had any "near" deaths (I think we lost a person who had moved away). I also didn't even think of it until midweek and....well....the minister is taking a vacation day and I'm filling in for him. I admit I half-thought of scrapping the sermon I had (on the lectionary text from Mark 12, on the Two Great Commandments) but given how busy I've been and that it was 90% written when I realized that, I decided not to.

Also, All Saints' is sometimes hard for me. This past eight years, I've lost a LOT of people, beginning with a cousin (probably my favorite cousin on that side) who had had a massive stroke. (This was the cousin whose wife came to the hospital, and even though I know it was very hard for her, and told him "if you need to go, I will be okay. If you need to go and be with your mother and father and your grandmother and Tom [his brother who died before him], I will be okay. Don't hang on for me" and not long after that he died). And it just accelerated from there - 2019 probably being the worst year. And of course 2020 was bad, for different reasons (I did lose a couple people I knew to COVID, but they weren't people I had been close-close to)

And I remember how in 2019, I unthinkingly scheduled myself to serve "at the table" on All Saint's Sunday. Perhaps a word of explanation: in the Disciples of Christ church does communion every Sunday, usually referring to it as the Lord's Supper. Traditionally we had two elders and a couple deacons at the table; the deacons then carried the elements around to the congregation (in some congregations, they invite people who can to come down to the front to take the elements out of the trays the deacons hold). The elders say prayers, or, in some congregations, one does a Scripture reading and another does a prayer.

Since the pandemic we've gone to the pre-packaged, pre-sealed cups and bread. (I jokingly referred to them as Eucharistables, but no one found that funny). It does make it simpler, no need to make sure enough deacons are available. And we went down to one elder at the table for "distancing" (And we had masks on , at least into 2022)

We've kept the one elder and the Eucharistables, we're a small congregation and it makes scheduling easier. 

So anyway, in 2019, without even THINKING, I scheduled myself at the table. This was, of course, about 10-12 weeks after I lost my dad. I was still grieving deeply, though I didn't fully realize that. 

And I got up at the table, and I started talking about "those who have gone before us....." and something just broke in me and I started crying. I really, really hate publicly displaying strong emotion and I felt bad, which made it worse. I managed somehow to get through it.

Of course people understood. Everyone's been there in a way, where you're grieving someone and you have to speak at just the wrong time and you lose your composure. I still felt unhappy about it, a bit like I had failed. Oh, I'm over it now, and I try not to schedule myself at the table for this week (which, I guess serendipitously made it easier to fill in....)

But yes, a lot of traditions remember the dead about now. (I have read that in early Christianity, it was originally done in the spring, I suppose to line up with Easter, but was moved because at least the Celtic religion at the time did Samhain in the fall). But fall "feels" right, though I'm not sure that isn't partly "well, this is when we always did it"

But certainly, the reduction in light, the early dark, in much of the Northern hemisphere*, the dying leaves and general decay, the increasing cold, it does put a person in mind of endings. And I know traditionally people feel this is a "thin place" between this world and whatever lies after.  And it is easy to feel melancholy - if you're so inclined - at this time of year, at the early dark and the long evenings to hold memories in. 

And I'm thinking of it perhaps a bit more this year than I might have; someone I knew from Ravelry and now am a mutual with on Bluesky lost their partner yesterday. Oh, it wasn't unexpected; he had been, as she said "knocking hard at the door" for a while (having some chronic illnesses) but still.....every loss really does remind you of previous losses. And I think that's something important to remember (so you can be kind to yourself if you find yourself sad) but also, I do think it's extremely important to take time and remember those who went before. Whether you are religious (and so, have your own structure for considering it, and perhaps rituals) or spiritual or not at all. Dealing with death is part of how we make sense of life. 

It's also something we all have to deal with, but also, it does seem uniquely human that we KNOW we and those around us will die. Animals may have some awareness of it, and I suspect animals are aware right before they die - I've read too many cases of people's pets who went off to some quiet, secluded place when their time came. 

I've also read some theologians hypothesize that the "original sin," the "becoming like gods" that resulted from the forbidden fruit was gaining the knowledge and understanding that we will someday die. Which is a pretty rotten bargain, I'd argue. I know in 2019, after losing my father - and losing my friend Charles Hill not long after - it really messed me up, and I spent months ruminating on the realization that literally everyone I loved would die (and leave me behind, most of them being older than I am) and that I would die to......and so, why do ANYTHING? Nothing matters, everything is ephemeral.

(And I realize now: could that be what led to the decline in my knitting and sewing and everything else? a feeling of futility?)

It is hard, though, but it's also something we all share, especially those of us who have had big and close losses: how to keep on going on with that weighing on you. I admit I still haven't quite figured it out, and mostly rely on "forgetting" about it for a while.

also there's this

 a very happy 18th anniversary to the KXVO pumpkin dance, probably my favorite Halloween thing ever:

the Halloween outfit

 Another busy/stressful week (I was on campus for over 10 hours yesterday, most of them working). But I managed to put together a halloween outfit 

This was actually last year's idea, but it was too cold then.

The fun thing was that the major pieces (the dress and the shawl) where not obtained on purpose; I bought the dress over a year ago to wear to church, and I crocheted the shawl maybe 20 years ago now out of some Wool-Ease. It "feels" very much like a hippie shawl - simple design, kind of chunky, a yarn that clearly looks "not luxe)

I had the pendant (very very costume; that's a plastic "stone") and the headband came in one of those "surprise boxes" I used to subscribe to (before the mail went to heck and also before the companies selling them got unreliable).

Not shown is my feet in Birkenstocks and with a toe-ring from the same box the headband came in, I know not to post feet on the Internet because there are.....people.... out there.

It gets at the spirit of the day but is practical enough that I can teach in it

Well, the headband isn't super comfy and I'm not used to wearing them, and I don't like having my hair all loose, but. 

(Also I notice the "portrait" setting on my phone makes better pictures of me - the first picture - than the standard setting. It does something that evens out the complexion, or it lights it better, something)

***

my other plan for the day - I get out of class a bit after noon and don't have any afternoon commitments up here - is to try to early vote. It started yesterday. One person I know in the Norman or Edmond area (I think it is, a mutual on Bluesky) said there was something like a three hour line yesterday. I'm hoping that because we're a smaller town and maybe the really eager folks went yesterday, I won't have that long of a wait. 

I think I waited about an hour in 2016. In 2020, I did a "bring in the signed and notarized absentee ballot" thing because of COVID and I didn't want to vote in person. 

(I'm telling myself though that long lines for early might presage a better performance for Harris than one might think for this state, but who knows)

I also think I am going to tell a couple folks here that I'm going to early vote. You know, just in case anything ~happens~ so they know where I was. I hate that that's a part of the calculus but this is life now.

If I get done any before 3 pm with voting, I might come back here and do a bit of research. Or I might not; it's been a long week and I'm tired

****

Edited to add: I did the thing. It took about 40 minutes, the vast majority of that waiting in line. (I had researched all the downballot races - I already knew who I wanted for President - and the "state questions" so I knew how I wanted to vote and it just took a couple minutes to fill out the ballot)

Decided to stay home the rest of the afternoon; I'm tired and standing out in the bright sun (the area in the courthouse where you vote is small) gave me a slight headache. I have sheets in the washer; I need to change them. And I might do a little cleaning here. I also need to practice piano.

state of the scarf

 It's already been a busy week. ("Captain," says Tintin, "but it's only Tuesday....")

So here's the current progress on the scarf:

I'll be glad to get out of the lavender-and-tan section onto something new. That's one problem with these long-sequence color changers - it sometimes feels like forever before it changes, and of course for small things like hats or gloves you don't see much changing, and it looks more like a mistake than a shift.

I guess it's longer than in the previous photo:

I had a headache most of the day. It's partly tension (because: gestures at world) but I'm pretty sure it's also there's a slow-moving cold front headed in, and there's a lot of dust in the air from the high winds.

I have a field lab scheduled tomorrow but it might storm. I'm actually kind of hoping it does; we need rain badly and to be honest, I could do with "having" to postpone the lab for a week.

Monday night things

 * I am so ready for Daylight Saving to end. It's so dark when I leave home in the morning. I don't mind coming home as it's getting dark, but somehow, driving to work in the dark just feels extra unpleasant

* Possibly related to the darkness-in-morning, my street got missed for trash pickup today. I found out when I got home and went to take the wheelie bin back up, and it felt heavier than it should, so I looked in. By then it was after 5 pm but I did call and leave a message. (I said I was leaving it at the curb. I referenced my hurt knee, which really isn't hurt that much any more, but I don't know when they plan to pick up the trash and I don't want to have to keep putting it up and taking it down. Other people left their bins at the curb so I'm telling myself "they can't fine ALL of us" (technically, you can be fined for leaving your can out, though that might be after pickup, and technically it's not AFTER pickup)

* Still working on the scarf, but it's not at a very photogenic point. Same with the blanket, which I worked on during Zoom knitting this weekend. 

* I've put "All Clear" in timeout for a bit; the whole Blitz thing feels claustrophobic and too unsettling right now. Maybe I'll return to it after the election, I don't know. (Right now it really does feel like a lot of us here are holding our breath, and I don't want anything else that gives me tension). 

I did pick up "Cry, The Beloved Country," which I had been wanting to read for a while. I KNOW it will make me cry at some point; I don't think an author names a character Absalom (in a novel where the protagonist is expressly a devout Christian) without your suspecting something upsetting is going to happen. 

But at this point, very early on - Stephen Kumalo has just re-encountered his sister and suggested she return to the township to live with him and his wife - it's an interesting and enjoyable novel. In some ways the people are very different (and yet, in other ways, not, given Kumalo's faith) and the setting is different (I had to look up the latitude of Johannesburg to imagine what the climate would be like - remembering the seasons would be the reverse of here)

My favorite books do tend to be ones that show a different place and different people and a different life. But I do still need at least one character who is a decent person and is sympathetic (I assume Stephen Kumalo will be that character in this one). 

week is done

 I have one more exam to grade (maybe tomorrow; there are only a few of them and one person was out sick and will have to make it up Monday). But I'm free for a little bit.

It was a busy week; pretty much the only knitting I did was while invigilating exams:

 This is the Moon Moth sweater; the knit-plain part is a bit more than half done. Once I get to the colorwork part I will probably have to start something else easily portable, because I suspect the colorwork requires too much concentration for something like invigiliating.

 

I decided after my last class (ends at noon), I wanted to get down to Sherman. I debated going tomorrow but tomorrow is Zoom knitting and I didn't want to feel too rushed in getting back.

My original plan was just to stop in at Joann's (near the Target) and go to Target, because that was what I really needed (there are a couple things I use regularly that only the Target around here carries). 

But driving down, traffic was kind of unpleasant, and I thought "You could pull off at the first exit in Denison instead of continuing to where I would pull off at the shopping center"

And of course, that's right close to the yarn shop.

I didn't NEED yarn, but.

I also NEEDED lunch. I had originally thought of going to somewhere near Target, but then I remembered there was a place (a brewpub sort of place) in the same building as the yarn shop, so I went there.

I got a root beer. (Driving, of course) and a grilled cheese and salad. They weren't busy so I felt less bad about being a "low dollar" order. The food was pretty good:

And after that, the yarn shop. My original thought was to get a skein of a yarn I'd considered earlier, and then not bought

and then I saw the grey yarn. It's from sheep raised in the Falklands, which is geographically interesting to me, and also they boast on the label that it's humane and ecologically raised.

The multicolored one is the one I had considered buying a trip or two but didn't; it's a Dream in Color yarn in Mardi Gras colors. It will probably become socks. The two Falkland Chunky skeins will become a hat with wide horizontal stripes.

I didn't really buy anything at JoAnn's; it was partly just a trip there. 

And I got my groceries and stuff and the things I particularly needed, and then back home. 

(It's still too warm here)

Thursday evening things

 Just a busy week. This afternoon was grading yet another exam. (I give a third one, in my third of four classes, tomorrow. At least next week I don't have any....

And the hives seem to have stopped, and I feel much better today than I have since Friday. So I'm going to assume I just had a drawn-out immune reaction to the shingles shot

(Behind a link, because rude language, but if you're over 50 be sure to get your shongles.....)

I also walked a lot yesterday and actually my knee felt a lot better, and I could walk more naturally, than I could in a long time. I don't know if it's just a time thing or if the work out on the cross country skiier is a little repetitive-motiony but I'm going to keep doing it for now (too much friction in finding a new way to get the necessary exercise)

This evening I took off some time (after grading) to watch tv (well, I did spend 20 minutes finishing my piano practice). I still like Ghosts though it feels a little holding-pattern at this point. I really, really wanted to like the new Matlock but I like it less than I thought I would. I think the "every character including the protagonist seems to be lying" is what gets me. I am sick of lying. Sick of dealing with it in my day to day life (everyone who has a little power, is a little higher in the org chart, has lied to me, and students have lied to me), sick of it in politics and media, and I don't want to see it in my entertainment. I mean, yeah, everyone lies, and it seems now lying is the way to get ahead, but I was taught differently.

I wish they'd time swap it with Elsbeth, which I DO like, but I really should not be staying up this late (to 10 pm) when I get up at or before 5 am the next morning.  

But yeah. Really hoping next week is a little more relaxed (I do have a Zoom meeting with a job candidate Wednesday afternoon, and Thursday I am going to try to get down to early-vote (and if it's bucketing down rain, or the line is way too long and I can't get in, I guess I go on Friday afternoon....)

(And I think a lot of us are a little on edge about the upcoming election; I know I am and have been a bit more snappish than I normally am...)

Well, one other small good thing: an update from the original owner of Quixotic Fibers, who had moved to Zephyrhills, Florida (which got hit by Milton). She is okay, there was some damage to the shop, but apparently it's been repaired "enough" that she can reopen, and didn't lose too much stock. 

(Again, I hope the Denison store keeps going. I MIGHT run down to Sherman - I need to go to Target soon - tomorrow after classes and I don't know whether to pop in. There was a note in the e-mail that Dream in Color is raising their prices next year* and while I don't NEED more yarn.....)

(*and if the Grand Tariff Plan one of the candidates talks about goes into effect, bye-bye being able to afford ANY imported yarn, as it sounds like the tariffs will be on everything - well, except for the luxury items that friends of those in power like, I suppose....)

a few photos

 Today was long - three classes and a lab. One class I gave an exam and there was a HUGE foulup at print shop which led to me getting yelled at for not being a mind-reader* and had to beg to get the tests actually copied on time

and was told "oh, your wifi must not have been working that day" and I was like "sorry? I sent them in over a computer with  a T1 line?" but it's par for the course to blame the professor for everything that goes wrong. SO I wound up pretty upset for part of the day.

And this evening, it was entirely devoted to grading those exams.

(*IF I WERE? I WOULD HAVE WON THE LOTTERY LONG BEFORE NOW AND WOULD BE LIVING IN A NICE HOUSE SOMEWHERE WHERE IT'S NOT 95 DEGREES IN NEARLY NOVEMBER, AND WHERE I HAVE EASIER ACCESS TO THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY)

Anyway. After I walked out of lab at 3 pm, I decided to first to to the field sampling site for herbaceous vegetation to see just how dead and crispy everything was, to see if it was even worth trying to do that lab (I have another week to decide)

There were clouds. This is something I've not seen for a long time, but they didn't produce rain. Still, it's nice to see them, even if it's still stupid hot and it's been three months since measurable rain

So I drove out there. It is crispy, and part of the site we used to sample is now part of a big disk golf thing (big concrete pads) and I take this to mean I will somehow need to find a NEW place to sample in the next few semesters (If I don't just wind up quitting in disgust before then)

The one identifiable plant (that had flowers) was some kind of aster, probably heath aster

Also, this is how dry it's been: here's the Tiny Canyon

Probably these soils are vertisols, or vertisol-adjacent, and that's why the deep vertical cracks. But it also has been terribly dry here, and the continued hot temperatures are really getting me down.

That was Tuesday

 So, last evening, I got home and thought "I feel itchy. Why should I feel itchy?" and I went to take a shower and......womp womp. 

Hives.

It's been a long, long time - like eight years - since I had them badly. I guess I got a short bout of them after one of the covid boosters, and then when I had had food poisoning. 

But these were bad. I was alarmed at first but checking some dermatological research, it sounds like some people just are occasionally triggered to hive up from vaccines, and when it's a couple days out (instead of immediately), it's not likely to be dangerous. 

They were worse when I got up this morning but did slowly fade after I took my antihistamine for the day. 

But yeah, I don't like surprises like that. I also still feel really kind of tired and I hope that's the after effects of the shot (but it's also been very hot here; it was close to 90 today). 

I think it's going to be an early night.

***
I might also be tired because the church women's group, as a service/outreach thing, fed the rodeo team on campus this evening. This is part of a grant we received from the region for service projects. We chose feeding the team because (a) they tend to get less funding than some other sports and (b) the minister is a former barrel-rider, so he has a particular interest in the rodeo team

Since we had a grant, we didn't have to cook, but we did go out there to serve (we had barbecue delivered from one of the local restaurants). The arena is fairly close to my building, so I just stayed up there after lunch and worked until it was time to go and serve. 

It was a lot of standing around, and it was hot and very dusty. But the students were polite and appreciative. We pushed take-out boxes on them, there was so much food. And it's good to do little service things like that. And who knows, maybe one of those kids was having a really lousy day and getting fed (rather than having to go make or find food after practice) made their day better. 

I had to wash my hair again when I got home because of all the dust, and I was also concerned being out in the pollen and dust might reactivate the hives, but that did help me feel a little better.

Maybe I'm also tired because I evaluated nearly 15 applicants for a position today. I'm a little out of my depth at evaluating their research (it's a very different field from mine) but there were a few people who seemed good and a few people who....did not. Like a lot of people didn't send in all the documents we requested, and without any kind of narrative on teaching philosophy or even list of what they've taught, it's difficult to say anything very much about how qualified they are for the classes we want them to teach. (We had pretty explicit instructions of what we wanted in the jobs posting and I assume the people who didn't follow them either don't want the job very much, or think they're so great they don't need to. Well, joke's on them, since we had nearly 30 candidates....)

Maybe a little knitting time, and then bed....

A useless weekend

 Yeah, Friday after the shingles shot I wound up so exhausted I couldn't do anything, and I had a headache and muscle aches. For part of the day I just went back to bed, but I didn't sleep, I just listened to the BBC player app for a while and laid there. (I was also cold, so it helped to be in bed)

Part of the day I watched TCM; they were re-running the old Laurel and Hardy movies. 

I have strong memories of these; my father and his two brothers were big fans of the comedy duo (and now I realize: they made most of their movies when my dad was a tiny child and his brothers were not born yet, so either they must have seen them on tv - it was more common in the earlier days of tv for networks or local stations to just show old movies - or maybe there was a revival theater somewhere where they saw them.

It did make me slightly sad. My only REAL connection to them is my dad having liked them. Oh, they're funny, I guess, but the humor is more slapstick than what I like and some of the humor is kind of dated. Though I guess you have to give credit for a lot of the "effects" being stunt people or even them doing their own stunts; I think rear-projection and matte paintings for backgrounds were really the only thing that commonly existed in the mid-30s. 

Another thing I remember: a standard greeting-or-goodbye between my dad and his brothers was to do that thing that Laurel did, of sort of scratching/fluffing his hair up from the top. 

And it makes me think: most things, you never know when you will see or do them for the last time until it's long past. I THINK the last time I saw that greeting between them was a few years before my dad died, when both the brothers had come down with their families - or maybe it was at a cousin's wedding. 

I also didn't watch Flying Deuces when it was on; this is the one where they joined the French Foreign Legion and at the end there was a plane crash that killed the character Hardy played (later implied to have been reincarnated as a horse). I remember it making me very sad as a little girl, and my dad having to remind me it was just a movie, and that after they stopped filming the actor got up and went home and was fine. (Of course, by that point in time, both Laurel and Hardy had passed away, but my dad didn't mention that).

***

Saturday I was feeling better, but I had some grading to do and we had 20-odd applicants for a position I had to start sorting through. I only got about half of them done before I gave up, but that was most of the day gone there.

After that, I thought "I need to do something at least a LITTLE fun" so I ran over to a town to the east where there's a little "mercantile" (mostly: a vintage/resale shop, but they have a few Amish foods and things like fancy soap). 

I bought a loaf of bread by a local Amish baker, and a candle. (There were no "antique" type items I wanted). 

And then back home. Worked a bit on the Dragon's Breath socks while watching Poirot, but made a mistake, so put them back into time out for a while.

Yesterday, I pulled out the "Ruggles' Reversible" scarf and worked on that again; I've finally gotten the rhythm of how the pattern works so now it's easier. 

It would be nice to finish something; I want to start something new but feel like I have too many things going on.

an early night

 No real post today, I got the second dose of the shingles vaccine yesterday and it kicked my butt - extremely tired all day, and had a dull headache early this afternoon. I didn't even feel up to knitting. 

I'm feeling some better now, hope I will be even better in the morning

still better than getting shingles.

thinking this morning

 Partly because Bluesky (my usual post-exercise, pre-breakfast distraction) seems to be totally down now, but also because of the devotional for today that I subscribe to (they come from the UCC, which is a denomination somewhat allied with mine, and often the devotionals have good food for thought), I got to thinking about "sides."

And I was reminded of Mark Twain's satiric "War Prayer," which I read years and years ago - I thought then it was about the Civil War, but he wrote it in 1904 or so, but apparently he was actually writing about the Spanish-American/Philippine-American War (which he opposed as an imperialistic war) or really, war in general

If you're not familiar, an extract of it is here. 

And yes, the idea of sides. We see everyone taking sides now, and it feels like a lot is at stake. I am hoping for cooler heads to prevail - or for people to be "convicted" (to use the good old Protestant usage of it) by re-reading things like the War Prayer and realizing "praying for destruction and misery for our opponents not only makes us worse people, but hurts us as well"

There's also a hymn we used to very occasionally sing in my parents' church - the text is a modification of James Russell Lowell's This Present Crisis.

Lowell was an abolitionist  (a lot of the good American 19th century poets were) and he opposed the Mexican-American War and the annexation of Texas (which apparently was believed would increase the power of the South and further cement slavery as a thing). It's said he was asked to write something "as stirring as La Marseillaise" and it's especially stirring as a hymn setting. (I think it's a shame more churches do not sing this, though I suppose in our divided times, people could interpret it as being for one "side" or the other politically, a no-no in churches now)

It's been set to a variety of tunes, but to my ear, the BEST one for it is a modification of Welsh hymn tune (Ton-y-Botel) and that was the one we would sing. It's a stirring tune, and it fits well with the words that are basically exhorting us to choose the better angels of our nature. It's the kind of hymn that makes me want to get up and go out and do something GOOD for the world. 

 Apparently this was used in a Call of Duty video game? Which seems odd to me because it doesn't SEEM particularly militaristic, but perhaps rather a call to all people that "sometimes it's going to be hard and dangerous, but you are called on to choose the side of love and mercy, and work to free people if that comes to you"

less than optimal

 So I had a couple packages coming - two books (same order but I guess shipped separately) from Bookshop, and a stuffed toy capybara. They were all due to arrive today. I have informed delivery so I can see when things are coming and when they get delivered.

Well, early afternoon I got a "your package is ready to pick up at the post office" message

Well, okay. Never seen that before. Maybe the carrier had too many packages and that one was too large? (hopefully it's not *damaged* or something). So I thought, fine, on my way home, I'll swing by the post office (it's kind of a pain to get to - it's on the corner of two busy streets and either way you have to make a left-hand turn to get there)

So I did, got in about 15 minutes before closing.

The guy went and looked. No package. He said 'the carrier must still have it, come back tomorrow'

Okay, fine, whatever. Then I went to wal-mart: I'm supposed to get my second shingles shot tomorrow and am concerned that I won't feel up to venturing out, and I needed more milk. 

Walmart is not a pleasant place in the afternoon. Overcrowded, had several people nearly run into me with their carts, got into aisles where a group of people was walking in flying-wedge formation (so you can't get through)

Wound up behind someone smelling strongly of weed. I mean, it's legal (medicinally) here, but I still don't like having to smell it. 

Finally got out and started for home, saw the guy ahead of me try to run another car off the road or perhaps he was just not paying attention, the other car had to go way over into the other lane's verge and from there into the right turn lane for a bit. 

people just seem worse now.

I got home, there was no mail in the mailbox, and so I thought "great, maybe my "we're holding it for you" package will show up." Intentionally left my car out so the postal worker would see I was home in case that helped.

Also, the "paper mail" (including a bill) never showed up yesterday so I hoped it would show today

Eventually I thought I heard the truck and checked Informed Delivery - yes, it said my books had been delivered to the mailbox. 

The paper mail was there.

No books. Not on the porch, either.

Of course the website's no help, you have to go through LAYERS where it gaslights you ("OF course your package was delivered, what are you saying?") until you get to the page where you fill in the tracking number and everything. (I had to do a separate one for each book, as they were shipped separately). Also contacted Bookshop saying I was having the PO look into it, but if the PO just shrugs, maybe they will make it right. I mean, I feel bad about that, but....

But I feel bad about it. Everything here feels broken. There were a lot of empty shelves at wal-mart, and not just stuff that was part of the Bruce-Pak recall. That always makes me nervous - are our supply chains breaking again? Will getting food become hard? Also, there's just so few options here - the only other LARGE supermarket is at least an hour's round trip. 

So I don't know. Now I wonder if someone else received my books. I texted my neighbor to the north and asked her, she sent her boyfriend back out to check and no, no books there in their mailbox. I don't have contact info for the guys renovating the house next door and I've not seen them in a while.

Someone on bluesky told me "once in a while that's happened to me, the package shows up the next day" and I hope that's it, but.....

I've noticed that my life has become so small and constricted that things like this weigh heavily on me. Mail is literally the only thing I have some days; when it's fouled up things seem bad. And it's frustrating to feel you cannot depend on the US Mail, especially in a town where there is no longer a bookstore, and other shopping is equally limited (I have to mail order most of my clothing these days). If it becomes impossible to get packages - or if postal carriers just decide "she's ordered too much stuff, we're cutting off delivering" - I'm kind of stuck. 

I guess I could still do amazon and have them deliver it to the locker on campus, if I can figure that out. But it's easier having it come to the house! This was something the USPS used to do so well!

It really does feel like everything's broken since 2020 or 2016 or some fairly recent time, and I don't like it.

a different book

 I put "All Clear" aside for a little bit. It's good - but perhaps a bit TOO absorbing and I found I was staying up too late reading, and also was getting anxiety because of "will things work out, will the time travelers get home, or will they be killed in the Blitz? And what of (I presume it is) Colin who came through to try to rescue them? Did the retrieval team get killed?" 

I think that might have been part of my bad sleep Sunday night. 

So last night, I read a totally different book - non-fiction, which, I often find a good but not "upsetting" (so: no war, no true crime, no serious disease) thing to read. 

I have the subjects I particularly like: "social" history (how people lived: cooking and clothes and things like that), and the early/pre history of Indigenous groups in North America, historical linguistics (especially very early linguistics that borders on archaeology), history-of-science, and books about interesting natural phenomena or about taxonomic groups I don't know much about. 

The book I'm reading now is called "Spirals in Time: the Secret Life and Curious Afterlife of Seashells" by Helen Scales. I think I found out about it on Bluesky - I follow a number of bookish people and also authors, so I hear about new books coming out and often get enticed into ordering or pre-ordering them (this is how I found Sarah Beth Durst's excellent "The Spellshop" - and next year she has another book that is either a sequel or in the same vein coming out, and  I pre-ordered it on the grounds that I enjoyed "The Spellshop" so much, that I will enjoy a similar book)

This book, as you'd guess, is about molluscs (or mollusks, the more common American spelling - the author is British). Right now it's about the basic taxonomy and biology of them but often books like this range pretty far afield - "Our Moon" by Rebecca Boyle - which I read early this year - is similar, where she talked a bit of cosmology, a bit of archaeology, a bit of geology, a bit of space exploration - was similar. 

It's oddly restful to read. As I said, I often find this kind of nonfiction more soothing to read than a "story," even a pleasant and low-stakes story where nothing very bad seems likely to happen. 

I have more books kind of like "Spirals in Time" on the shelf, too - recently I ordered "Big Bone Lick" (snerk) about early paleontology in the US, and I have a couple more books about early native people in the US. And I have a big book from Folio Society about the history of the English language I want to read some time.

The weekend knitting

 The most noticeable progress was on the current gradient socks

It's a nice yarn, it knits up well. It's not a singles but it looks like it because the plying is very fine and subtle.  I have another inch or so to go on the legs before I start the heel flap.

The other ball is identical so if I'm careful I will get identical socks. 

I have to keep this short because I need to do the PT stretches tonight. I didn't do them last night and I can feel it today. I also just generally hurt - I've been very tense for various reasons and my shoulders hurt

I didn't sleep well at all last night. I think all of the various worries I had came to a head and I couldn't get my mind to quiet down. (I think I may also have to put "All Clear" - which I started right after finishing its prequel, "Blackout" - to the side for a bit because it is a tension-generating novel; you worry about the time travelers and how they're going to fare, and just hearing about the bombings in London is stressful. I do have a book on molluscs that might be more restful). 

Unfortunately, when I'm tired I just usually get grouchy and unfocused and don't do well at work, unlike Muffin:

it's funny to see how they managed to make the "drunk character behaving oddly" trope family friendly by making Muffin just VERY tired (she is at the stage where she is giving up napping).

I am hoping maybe I'll sleep better tonight. I don't have to get up QUITE so early tomorrow; part of the problem is when I have an early wake up time I think about it and don't sleep as well, waking up every hour as morning approaches and having to check my phone for the time.

some disconnected thoughts

 This was another very long week, and I need to go in for at least an hour tomorrow - I need to start writing the background for the project I'm working on (provided it ever rains again and I can do my last few sampling periods, not much point in trying to find invertebrates in totally dry surface soil)

* They're apparently rebooting Beanie Babies and at least making a line of them that are styled like the original ones from the 90s. And I looked up a photo online:

As I said on Bluesky, looking at that picture makes me (weirdly) feel a sense of peace. I remember the very first days of these things - I think I still have the hippo that was one of the original ones, that I bought around 1992 or 93, when I was in graduate school. There was a little gift shop (and maybe also florist? They've long since closed...) that was a short walk from campus and some days when I needed to clear my mind I'd walk to the little downtown and go to the gift shop, or to Babbitt's Books, or to The Garlic Press.

No, I don't plan on ordering any but I also admit if I were in a shop and saw that seal (the green and yellow one in the back) or the blue horse, or maybe the blue moose, I might buy it. Just to have, you know. 

(I also remember when people "invested" in these and the big question was to cut off the tags or not. I mostly did and I've probably lost most of them, but then again - these sell on Etsy for not any more (and in some case less) than what you originally would have paid. 

(Then again....the people who bought Tesla stock or those monkey NFTs thought they were getting a good investment)

* I went to the farm store today. This is the store where they have locally raised beef and pork, and some vegetables in season. The beef freezer was empty today (I knew that - they send out weekly e-mails letting people know what they have) but I got a pound of frozen bulk pork sausage (as I remember, I had a casserole recipe - or maybe something like a grits-based dish - that calls for it) and some frozen smoked sausages. (There is a butcher in Muenster, Texas, that specializes in doing pork, including some of the German recipes). And I got some green beans to cook up, maybe to cook lightly and then "pan sear" in the way that Chinese restaurants do them; they're good that way. 

They also advertised they carry a few bulk-type groceries now. It was mainly dry beans and a couple types of flour. I'd love to see them expand to having dairy, and maybe more baked goods (they were out of the artisan bread today)

I dunno. I'm still looking for rat-cage enrichment. That helped, a little. 

* I rewatched "Raya and the Last Dragon" tonight (it was on, had it on mostly in the background). I still cry at the bit before the end....

(Spoiler alert, but I suspect most people who will watch this already have)

The point where each of the characters - each a representative of one portion of the mythical southeast-Asian-flavored country where this takes place* - decides to trust the others, and combine their bit of the gem in the very faint (it seemed) hope of defeating the evil force that has turned most of the population to stone....and in doing so, giving up the protection of their piece, they turn to stone, too. 

I am a sucker for stories of self-sacrifice (I am also a sucker for stories of genuine repentance/redemption). But I noticed something tonight that stopped me and made me cry a little. Each character, as they essentially decided to (possibly) give up their life, walked over and laid a hand (or in one case, hugged the leg of a taller character) on the others. So they wouldn't be alone, I guess.

and that kind of thing, it does get me. 

I mean, yes, it ends happily (it's PG at worst, I think, and I doubt Disney would repeat the mistake they made with something like "The Black Hole" - a movie I was taken to as a kid because "Disney, it has to be fun" and like a lot of kids of my generation, was mildly traumatized by it). But the idea that IN the story, the characters don't know, they have to trust, ,first each other, and then that things will work out right. 

(*yes, I know, some folks didn't love it, and I've heard critiques of the way it was set. But then again - Avatar the Last Airbender was set in a made-up Asian like location, and lots of their stories were in fake European countries)

* And yes, trust. I think we've lost a lot of it in this country. And similarly, we all feel the need to be so guarded. I was thinking earlier today about how a lot of us were mocked when we were younger for showing vulnerabilities (anything from crying in public to expressing that you liked some movie or song that other people thought was "cringe") and I think if you experience that enough, you kind of close off to protect yourself.

And some people, like me, kind of just stop sharing. I've had people tell me that in "person" (or "in real life," whatever you will) it's hard to get to know who I am because I do tend to be kind of closed-mouth about a lot of things. 

Some things - like a relative's recent diagnosis with an autoimmune disorder - I don't reveal because I'm afraid I might start to cry (it's something I've been carrying in my heart for a couple weeks now) and also there's not really a lot anyone else can do.

Other things, yeah, I am afraid of someone mocking me as cringe, or, what's almost worse to me, the sort of polite failure to understand why I care about that thing, and that uncomfortable silence where I know they don't know what to say, because either they don't understand or don't agree. 

And so, sometimes it is easier to keep one's mouth shut.

But what's almost worse, I think, are the people whose defense mechanism it to mock, or to take a surface view of everything, to be sarcastic and to never show a genuine emotion. And I wonder if a lot of the Online Stuff is a reaction of this - basically, scared children (even though in adult bodies) who are trying to avoid their feelings being hurt by trying to hurt others first, or at least, to belittle everything.

And I think a lack of ANY sincerity is bad for us, too.

But I also can understand it: so many of us have been hurt by rejection that we try to avoid it. So some, like in my case, basically avoid a lot of human contact, but others may be the reason we avoid that contact.. I don't know. 

* And then this came up in a tumblr that I read some times, and yeah, I feel this:

"When you became a marked person" - that both hurts, and I know it's ridiculous, and yet, I remember having wondered as a kid if I DID have an invisible mark on my forehead or something encouraging people to bully or mock me. 

And yes, I know what that poster is saying isn't REALLY true, but sometimes, it FEELS true. 

At any rate: it's been a hard week.