Thursday night.....whatever

 Last night was a Zoom interview of a job candidate, and it was almost 8 pm when we finished (the candidate was in another time zone, and they had work obligations earlier in the day). And I was tired

And then of course after that everything broke loose, and I stayed up way too late watching news and worrying about the state of the world. I guess it's probably going to be more like the Balkan war than an out-and-out world war III, but....it's still sad and terrible and it feels like a lot in this sad old world on top of everything else. 

And today, we didn't have class again. I was stuck at home again. More Zoom meetings today, and I did a little bit of research reading but one of the articles - ugh. It was a mathematical modeling article and I got the feeling off of it, right or wrong, that they felt like they knew more than everyone else doing work in that area. 

Of course, I may have been primed to feel that because this morning a new thing was making the rounds of knitting Twitter. The link is here from Romi Hill's account. Fundamentally: a couple of finance guys bought a defunct knitting webdomain, apparently went to a big-box craft store, decided "this is an untapped market" (HA) and also decided that because they were guys and were in finance, they knew more than the "grandmas" who knitted and had "little blogs." 

Well, you can imagine how that went down with various designers and other knitting professionals who use the web - some of them, perhaps, since these guys were in diapers.

But it makes me angry and sad because I have seen it, off and on, all my life. The line "I have more of a comment than a question" is a joke about scientific conferences because we've all seen someone - usually a middle-aged or older man, almost exclusively a white man*do it to a grad student giving an early-career presentation, and it's always uncomfortable.

 (*then again, most of the people in ecology, still ARE white men, though white women are catching up to them, and I'm sure there are some of us who do the "dominance-mount" thing) 

(My own advisor used the model of: if you have a SERIOUS concern with their methods or you want to talk about your own research and how it relates to theirs, find them at the break. If you have a quick question or a valid suggestion for future studies, offer it quickly in the question period)

But anyway. It's kind of distressing to see, both the age/gender dismissal ("grannies," as if there aren't thousands of granny-aged women in this world making their way in it newly alone because of widowhood or divorce, some of them raising their grandchildren, managing their lives. And some work, some run their own businesses. And it feels like these guys - and, full disclosure, I could not get through much of the linked video because the guy's tone irritated me so much - they're acting like these women who are the age of their mothers and who have life experience, know nothing). 

But it makes me sad, especially on the heels of hearing about Loopy Ewe's retirement and closing, and a number of other LYSs closing, and some small dyers closing up shop - it makes me worry we're seeing a contraction in the knitting market like we had in the 70s and 80s and early 90s where there were few things available out of a FEW locations (I remember going to a knitting shop in the late 80s when my family visited Montreal). 

I also admit I was stung by the "grannies with a knitting blog they've had for 20 years." I've had THIS blog for 20 years, for what that's worth, and while I don't talk that much about knitting any more, I do knit and I did start this as a knitting blog. And I'm granny aged, I guess, even if I won't ever be one. 

But it's just....very diminishing of these guys and the part of me that is small-hearted and petty hopes they fail. 

Apparently they also contacted at least one knitting designer and offered to host her patterns on their site, with payment in "exposure."

Knitting designers usually charge between $6 and $12 per pattern, depending on how large, complex, and innovative it is. (Sometimes knitting companies pay them directly, and then distribute the pattern free to customers with a yarn purchase, sometimes designers sell them to someone editing a book. But a professional designer can't pay their rent from "exposure.")

So yeah - it was something that basically took several long-established aspects of knitting culture and kind of spat on them, and I'm not surprised knitting professionals are angry. 

(I also kinda wonder if they're gonna work crypto into it somehow...)

****

Campus is closed again tomorrow. Oh, it probably WOULD have been okay, but whatever. I'll do more research reading but I admit I have big flashbacks to mid-March 2020 when we were all sent home and told to stay there. And I guess I'm still carrying some....trauma might be the wrong word? from the pandemic, because I've been more anxious and unhappy these past couple days than I might.

I don't like how far behind I am in all my classes. I don't like being stuck at home. 

Though of course, also, news-of-the-world: having big 1985 flashbacks with that. 

*****

The weather still looks iffy for Saturday and this upsets me much more than it should but I had plans. I was going to go to the yarn shop in Whitesboro, and maybe the quilt shop there. And I might even break my "not eating in restaurants" thing given how much cases have declined in the region, and get lunch at Lovejoy's if they're still serving.

But that may not be possible, if it's icy. And I know it's childish of me to feel upset and cheated, and no, I don't need more yarn or fabric. (But I do need a day out, and a day for myself). If I can't go this weekend I may have to "float" it a couple more weeks and again, the petty part of me pouts and feels like "well maybe I shouldn't even GO then if I can't do it near my birthday"

If the weather were GOOD I could go up to Chickasaw even though on good weekend days they're crowded, more crowded than I really like, but it's going to be too cold. 

But I don't know what else to do. I feel like I need a little celebration but if I'm stuck here in the house - well, I don't even really have any different food, and if the roads are truly too bad to go out, I can't even get anything (and would not make a pizza delivery person brave dangerous roads). And yes, it's childish but It. Feels. Unfair. It's a stupid little thing that I want. When other people were out eating in restaurants and going to pool parties and attending packed concerts, I was still staying home like a chump to stay safe and try to "stop the spread" and now when things are temporarily a bit better (because I am SURE we are going to see another bad variant at some point), I can't, because of the stupid weather. 

(And also - I know not everyone exchanges gifts as adults, but in my family we do. And my brother *forgot* my birthday was coming up so a gift is coming later. Okay, fine.) 

And Sunday I have to fill the pulpit at church - again, presuming the weather is okay, but I suspect I'll still be able to get down there even if I'm only talking to 2 or 3 people. 

I just admit some bitterness at cutting back on what I did for "fun" for the past 2 years (but kept on working) and now when I could go have some fun, I might not be able to. I know part of this is that I am just tired from everything, but I am surprised and how cranky it's making me. 

And no, there is literally nothing "fun" I could do here stuck at home. I can't go out and get anything and anyway my town has almost nothing any more. I don't have any local "running around" friends I could call on short notice - probably my BEST friend has a seriously ill husband and I know she can't get away. 

It's just hard trying to make fun on your own; it's hard living life subsisting mostly on the thin gruel of online interactions. I wish it were not like this, this is not the life I would have chosen, but this is the life I got. I wish I were better at making lemonade out of lemons but I just am not.