Where's the Tylenol....

And today's still not even done. (Elders' meeting and Board meeting remain).

So, thus far today, I:

- hadn't slept well because of worrying over the plumbing thing
- did a slightly longer than typical workout (I know "earning" food with exercise is a bad idea but I know I'm taking in more calories right now)
- graded 22 biostats exams
- gave the ecology exam
- called the plumber
- dealt with the plagiarism issue
- graded 20 ecology finals
- paid $405 for having part of the line up to my house replaced because it had holes in it (I don't know either. Something in the soil that bites the line? Someone running over that part of it with a work truck when they used my drive for something?)
- went to the water department to bring them a copy of the receipt and they said they'd "start the process" and I "might" get a leak adjustment. They have to inspect to be sure the leak is gone (you'd think they'd have been nice enough to point it out to me if they had seen it in previous months) and I suppose it's not outside of the realm of possibility I'll be told "Sorry, you make too much money, you don't get a leak adjustment" because the whole thing is means-tested....

****

But yeah. Advent this year has been hard. The four weeks of it are Hope, Peace (we are in Peace right now, I guess), Joy, and Love.

Joy is the one I have the hardest time with because I am not a naturally joyful person. I wish I were. I see people who are and I wish I could be like that. I remember seeing a clip from the "Ellen" show where she did her typical thing of surprising a person - a couple women had been sent to a Costco like place to pick up some items, and one item was a big box. Over the cellphone or whatever (however she was communicating with them), Ellen told her to open the box and see what was in there for her. And it was $25,000. And the woman (who I think had student loans or something? Or maybe worked for a charity?) went NUTS with happiness, screaming and running down the aisle.

And while I don't necessarily *want* $25,000 all in one whack for myself (though I could probably find some things to do with that), it would be nice to be able to be THAT joyful. I can be content and happy - I was pretty happy baking cookies this weekend - but it's a quieter sort of happiness, it's not the scream and jump-up-and-down kind. But then, I guess I never really was like that, even as a kid?

Hope, I guess that's okay...I know they really mean the sort of hope of a "life beyond this one" but I think also the hope that "maybe next year will be better" fits, and yeah, I really hope 2020 is better in some way than 2019 was. (And I know, part of the way it gets better is I work harder to make it better - do more research, work on re-upping my teaching a little. But I'm also SO TIRED and I really would like something good to HAPPEN to me instead of me trying to have to make it happen)

Peace? Peace is a tricky one because too often earthly peace is the peace of a boot on a neck - little wars erupted in some of the former Soviet republics once they were out from under the thumb of Communism, but Soviet rule was not a true peace, it was more an oppression squashing down some of the differences that might otherwise bubble to the surface. And similarly, in my personal life? I often pursue some kind of "peace" (in the sense of: I don't want people arguing with me or around me) by keeping my mouth shut, not expressing my opinions. Sometimes I feel like how I feel about something is secondary to not having to DEFEND how I feel about it. And so, yeah, a lot of the time I go around not feeling "heard," but that's also partly because sometimes I'm unwilling to speak unless it's a very big moral issue. I don't like conflict, and so my internal peace sometimes comes at the cost of not being heard.

Love? Well, I can be pretty good at loving people, I guess. But some times I don't feel the love myself. Oh, I am sure that is a failing in me, that's my own stupid brain telling me stupid things. But I admit some days I wish I could "hear" the love more loudly from the people around me who do love me. (Or: I have found this fall, that some people I thought loved me more than they do, really don't, and that's kind of a lonely and disappointing place to be in. Or maybe it's not that they don't love me but it's that they love themselves so much more and there's not room for me.)

And yes, I know, again the Love here is meant to be heavenly love, or God's love, instead of human love, but....yeah. Again, that's something you have to take on faith, and I find these days my faith is often worn pretty thin. This has been a bad year and I feel like I need something, some sign, that will let me know everything's going to be all right, and that I'm NOT being pushed to, I don't know, quit my job and go do something else for the rest of my career (then again: I'm 50. Who the heck would hire me?)

And also about feeling the love - I speculated on Twitter last night maybe it was time to "proof" my house (put up/get rid of breakable things) and get a dog or a cat. My chair has a new puppy (a five month old golden retriever) that she's been bringing in because she wants to train the dog as a therapy dog and wow, it's nice to get loved on by a friendly puppy (even though I distrust many dogs, I like the ones that belong to people I do trust. And Goldens just generally seem to be super friendly dogs). A puppy would be a bit too much (as would a kitten) but it might be possible to find a mature cat or dog at a shelter....I would want a pet that could either be entirely indoors (like a cat, where maybe rarely they go out on a leash, if they will tolerate a halter) or mostly indoors (a dog, if I could reinforce my backyard fence so I could let them out to run under my supervision but without a leash on, because of the fence). So if a dog: a smaller dog and one that is less rambunctious.

I don't know. I'm not ready to do it yet. But maybe some time. I'd have to research breeds if it was going to be a dog and find one that was quiet and generally not inclined to get anxious if left alone (some days I am on campus for 10-12 hours). Cats are a little different - I know some breeds are more high strung but your average domestic shorthair, as an adult, tends to be fairly chill, at least compared to a dog.

But yeah. It would be nice to have something that seemed happy to see me when I got home. 

But this day has felt about a month long, and yesterday was similarly kind of awful and long even though I did go to Sherman and purchase a few fun things (a new lipstick, a fancy tin to hold my AAUW gift for tomorrow night, one of the Christmas issues of Simply Knitting).

Here's hoping (heh) tomorrow is better.