And being fed

Gave my last exam today, I need to grade like the wind (if I can) because we're being taken out to lunch. The guy who has, for years, published our in-house written lab books likes to take us out to lunch every Christmas. (I suppose there's some rule somewhere that says we're not allowed to do that, but we'd use him even IF he didn't do this; he's the best nearby small publisher and has done stuff like fixed mistakes on his dime). It's usually a good meal and a good way to decompress after exams.

And tonight is the AAUW party, which is a feast of finger foods. I made the turkey meatballs I always make for it. I do this because people like them, and I like them (and they are fairly nutritious - this meal takes the place of dinner, so even if everyone else brings cookies, there's at least one protein thing). It's also the gift exchange but I never have particularly high hopes for it (I mean, for a gift for me. I try to BRING a gift people will like) because most of the things are the sort of tchotckes I don't use or stuff for entertaining, which I don't do. (I still have the "mustard and ketchup server" I was given a couple years ago and can't figure out who I would give it away to.)

But yeah. I'm kind of worn thin still. Tomorrow is going to be submit-the-grades day and also clean-the-house day. (I heard something that sounded suspiciously like a mouse in one of the cupboards, dangit. And yes, I have taken to washing any pan I use BEFORE I use it just in case). But I need the place to be good and clean (and probably to set a few snap traps) before I leave for break.

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I got a good bit more knitting on the second version of Pocketses done while invigilating exams. I think I may take THIS with me to finish over break; there's a good chance I could (I will have to remember the buttons I bought special for it)

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News story this morning claiming "more people die at home now than in hospital" and the local news was trying to spin it as "this is part of our new dystopia where medical care is out of many's reach" but really? Being someone who has gone through a loved one dying at home? This is not a bad thing. My father made the choice. When he was starting to struggle with breathing the morning the day before, my mom asked him several times and he said no. (Though in truth - their local hospital, that kind of admitting is done through the ER, and on a bad ER day, or if the hospital is full, you sit and wait in an uncomfortable space for HOURS on end). But he made the choice.

I think he knew. And I think he wanted to stay at home. He explicitly told her: no more hospitals, before he got so bad.

They DID have hospice nurses in and I think that made a lot of difference; my mom had some help and guidance and someone she could call (I think they told her to call if he passed when a nurse was not there, which was what happened).

But yeah. That story and thinking about it made me sad all over again, even if I know my dad got what he wanted at the end. 

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I finished "Howl's Moving Castle" the other night. Good book, I enjoyed it. (These days, I don't know - I enjoy some of the "YA" fantasy more than books aimed at adults.)

A few spoilers below the break:


It ends happily. Calcifer (the fire-demon) and Howl had a pact; it turns out Calcifer got Howl's heart but he was also then tied to the castle and forced to power it. In the end, the "epic battle" with the Witch of the Waste and HER fire demon (who was a young woman Sophie first thought Howl was in love with) ends with Howl nearly dying, Calcifer nearly dying, but Sophie managing to save Howl (by giving him his heart back) which simultaneously frees Calcifer.....

She is able to free them because she has the gift of "speaking things into life" - she does this with a scarecrow who also turns out to be pivotal (part of the dismembered "missing persons" Howl was supposed to search for).

Sophie is also the oldest daughter, and supposedly the mythology in Ingary (where she lives) is that oldest daughters are meant to sort of be failures (?) and so, I kind of feel Sophie, and was happy she succeeded so well at the end. I think also the fact that Sophie is fundamentally sort of compassionate and kind and quiet and hardworking made me like her.

And in the end, she saved Howl, whom I started out disliking, but grew to like (so much so I looked up online to be sure he didn't die in the book; there was a point about 2/3 of the way in where it looked suspicious). (He's described elsewhere as being in the model of a "Byronic hero" and I admit I always have to be a bit careful around those. Not that I've met really any in real life, but I could see falling hard for someone like that)

And the "giving him his heart back" is apparently symbolic; Howl then professes his love for Sophie (who regains her young-adult form - she had been trapped in a 90 year old's body) and Sophie realized she loves him and....well, it's implied they will marry. And Calcifer is free, but he also decides he'll continue to live in the castle.

And the thing about it....it's really a bit of a story of redemption; Howl starts out seeming like this terrible, vain man who uses women as playthings but he's really trying (apparently) to fill the space where his heart was (unsuccessfully) and he was also trying to help the king find two missing people (the king's brother, and the king's wizard, who was apparently a friend of Howl's from back in Wales....)

But also, it may be a story a little bit about finding a family in this world? The fact that Calcifer decides to stick around and while he doesn't come out and SAY "well, I like you people" (after all, he IS a demon) suggests that he's found some kind of happiness or peace there. And the whole thing with Sophie at first being angry at and disapproving of Howl, but gradually coming to worry about him and even care for him....to the point where at the end she shoves his heart back in his chest (less gory than you might think) and when he holds her hands and basically pledges his love to her, she realizes she feels the same....

And I think I need stories like that right now? Because I feel so alone some times and I do still - EVEN AT 50, which is freaking ridiculous - hold out a hope that maybe someone will take my hands in his and pledge love to me. (Even as intellectually I know that will not happen).

Or even more simply than that: finding a few little bits of family-feeling here and there. At Board Meeting last night, Mike came up to me and said "I was busy during the greeting time at church and I didn't get to hug you this week" and he hugged me. (He is the financial secretary so he's often having to scurry off to cut checks and the like). And I see in my "Informed Daily Digest" I will be getting a Christmas card from him (Hopefully today but often they are stupid about first-class mail and let it sit for another day or two) and that made me feel a little happier.

But yes. I am very much on board with stories (either in books, or in movies/tv programs) where a group of unrelated people kind of take on the role of family for each other. I don't even mean, necessarily, falling-in-love-in-a-romantic way, I mean realizing "hey, I think of that person as a sister" or "I look up to that person and they kind of take the place of an absent parent in  my life" and I do think that's something we need. And that feeling has been....accentuated for me....with the losses of this year.

I need to find more friends. It's hard to do when you work all the time. I know I lean heavily on the friends I have through church because that's pretty much the only other place I go regularly. (And don't talk to me about work right now. I need to get over some hard feelings I have towards a couple people here. Oh, I WILL, just not right now. Let's just say that work-family is more work and less family than I thought previously)

I kind of wish I had a hobbyist group of some kind to go to regularly - like a knitting circle or a quilt group - but there are none in town, or at least none that meet at a time when I could go. (I keep hoping that as our population grows/as the Dallas Metroplex creeps north, we will get more of that, but it hasn't happened yet)