Redacting this, sorry.
I feel like I should be doing "better" after my father's death by now but I'm not.
I think I am just emotionally concussed by everything. I've never had an actual concussion but based on friends' experiences, this feels very much like it.
- I can't focus for very long on anything; reading is even hard some times
- I cry randomly or get angry at things I should not get angry at
- I am super clumsy - that's why I dropped the tin of tea today
- I'm tired all the time and even stuff that normally I could deal with easily enough seems like a giant effort. I think that's why I'm so upset over the assessment stuff; it's something new and difficult and I know I'm being depended on to do it RIGHT and so many things I've tried recently I've messed up.
I am telling myself if I fail at stuff, even though it will hurt mightily - because I am not the kind of person who fails and I HATE failing at stuff - maybe it will be necessary. Maybe the only way the people around me SEE how much I am struggling is if I just mess something up monumentally.
I am not sure if "trying and failing" is better or worse than "just not showing up." I'll have to figure that out.
And I am so LONELY. I wish I had a nearby friend to take me out to lunch some day or to go shopping with me. The other night I was even thinking "how bad a disaster could online dating be, really?" though I also know the very particular ways in which I am "weird" are not the ways that online dating caters to the "weird." And I'd be miserable doing it. And I can't deal with headgames right now anyway.
I just feel right now like I have a lot of holes in my life, and I don't know how to fill them. Maybe they just stay empty for a while? But that hurts.
Things will get better. I keep telling myself that. They are not getting better nearly as fast as I would like, though, and that's frustrating me mightily.
Edited to add: yes, I did get pizza, but I was delayed getting there and it sat under a heat lamp for a while so it wasn't as good as it normally is.
***
Well, one small thing, I guess: I just got called and asked to serve on a search committee for a new minister. I respectfully said no (I cannot take on yet another thing now; what I need is fewer things I already am doing). But what that tells me is that we're not folding up just yet; they're going to try for a new minister.
Whether or not they find one is another matter, I suppose. but at least it will be a few months before I have to think about that.
I'm still not looking for the meeting tomorrow night.
2 comments:
EAT PIZZA when you need to eat pizza
This may reassure you - I hope it does.
Stress does strange things to you, and grief causes stress. I've been stressed lately with a 3300 mile move while working full-time, and your symptoms are my symptoms. I don't have grief or sadness too, but I haven't been able to concentrate, or find joy, or not be a clumsy person. I freaking fell down my basement stairs one night because I forgot we had stairs - I've never lived with them before.
Things are getting better - after about 6 months I was finally able to sit down and finish a sock started in January. No one will ever call me grace, but I know and remember about the stairs. I feel like me.
I hope you can soon feel like yourself again. It will happen. Know that many of your "imaginary friends" are sending good vibes your way and that we love you.
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