Usual Friday feeling

Kind of burnt to a crisp. I think this semester is worse because of the stress of the new class and wondering if I'm doing a good-enough job. (I read somewhere that with teaching a new class - "The first time is sheer survival, the second time is getting rid of major problems, the third time is smoothing it out." So great, by fall 2020 I should feel comfortable with this. *throws up hands*)

And I read this on Twitter: "A lot of outreach about women role models paints them as 'fearless' but I want you to know you can be scared and still achieve great things."

Yeah, great. What if you aren't in a position to achieve great things but you are still scared? I am scared every morning I walk into Policy and Law because I feel like maybe I know *even less* about it than some of the students and why are they allowing me to teach this class?

Part of this, I know, is the fact that it's gotten brutally hot again - after a statistically-cooler August, it's now back to the mid 90s and high, high humidity, and I just kind of hurt all over from the humidity. And I've had outbreaks of hives (probably humidity plus ragweed) worse than I've had in many months. And when I hurt, it's harder to be cheerful and upbeat and feel good about the direction my life is going in.

Also, one of those things I don't need, and don't want to think about, happened yesterday: my department ran out of paper. Oh, I have part of a ream squirrelled away in my office (when I got really unhappy with all my colleagues who would USE UP ALL THE PAPER IN THE PRINTER and then NEVER GO AND GET MORE FROM THE STOCKROOM which involves going up and down the stairs) so maybe I can make it until we get more*

but apparently paper supplies are low everywhere on campus

(*And this raises a moral dilemma: if we run out of printer paper before we have more, do I share what I have squirrelled away even though there's a good chance someone will use it up and I won't be able to do all the printing I need, or do I selfishly hang on to it in case I need it before we get more? And how would I explain it to a colleague of "hey, how did you manage to print, there was no paper?" if necessary. I feel a bit like Royal and Almanzo Wilder with the seed wheat nailed up inside their wall as the town began to starve....And yes, that's a false equivalency, because someone could run to the wal-mart and buy paper out of their own pocket....it's just, I don't want that to have to be me.)

I am trying not to panic a little about what this signifies. I know the new budgeting plan is kind of koo-koo and it doesn't allow people to build up a stockpile. But of course the anxious part of my brain couples this up to the fact that the Legislature is in apparent disarray, and they can't figure out some way to fill the budget hole that's actually legal under our state constitution....and I imagine showing up here some day to find a giant padlock on the door and a sign stating the campus buildings are up for auction, and THEN what would I do?

(I also now feel slightly guilty for not telling them to just put the award money - whatever it may be - from my research award into my department's fund. Not that it would help with the university wide issue though).

But the other thing is just  the whole logistic headache: what if Print Shop can't print my exam for Monday because they're out of paper? I suppose the answer is "Move it to the following Monday" but that raises a lot of other issues. UGH. Again, why do the stupid embezzlers in stupid city governments never have to worry about this kind of stuff, and I'm sitting here wondering if I put out the roughly 200 sheets of paper I have saved back so I wouldn't have to run up and down the stairs if I needed something in a hurry, or if it's OK for me to hang on to it?)

I dunno. I do need to get out of this town for a bit this weekend - I think part of it is that this place is SO small right now (our downtown is largely a ghost town, again) that I start to feel crushed by it and I feel like empty storefronts and blowing dust is what every place on Earth is like right now, and I just feel sad.

I wrote out an EXTENSIVE shopping list for Sherman. I don't know whether to go this afternoon (after my research student and I do the last check of the plots - well, "last" until we set up again with fresh seed in a couple weeks, sigh) and then have Saturday to read the student thesis I need to start reading, or whether to go home this afternoon and read the thesis and go tomorrow after Ponies. (I admit I wish the new episode was shown earlier in the day - getting down to shop at 11:30 am on a Saturday means the crowds have ramped up. But Friday afternoon traffic is also unpleasant, so it's like, pick which bad thing you'd rather tolerate)

I hope I haven't forgotten anything. For one thing, if it's something not available here in town (Wal-mart no longer carries the California Olive Ranch olive oil I like, nor do either of the other stores) it means I do without, or I accept an inferior brand. If it IS something available, though, then I have to brave one of the local stores (Wal-mart is the worst, Green Spray is the best, but Green Spray doesn't have everything)

And I'm tired of doing without, or of taking a brand that is not as good and tastes "wrong" but it's all I can get. And yes, I know that's me being spoiled, but......some days it feels like I have so little else that I want, why can't I just get the "good" kind of olive oil easily?

In my list, I included "fem. hyg. products" (And yes, I call them that, I am THAT Victorian) because you never know and I'm wondering if part of the Hard Distress I started feeling midday yesterday is an early warning. And I also looked back at that list and the "hyg." made me think of "hygge" and even though I loathe how that concept became a fidget spinner and got run into the ground, I admit I could go for a little true hygge right now - time with good friends, somewhere comfortable (where it's not 98 degrees and 70% humidity) and with good food and cheer. But I don't see that happening very soon.

I have promised myself that I can take a quick run through the toy aisle at Target and if they have anything particularly good and small, I will get it for myself, even though I probably need to be economizing more. I did see on Amazon (during a spate of distress-browsing, and no, I didn't order anything) that Bridge Direct is reproducing the "classic" Orange Blossom doll, which I really want - but it's not available on Amazon right at the moment (it's not out yet) but also the third-party seller is asking a price in the $30 range, which, for a small, barely-jointed, simple doll, I just can't see paying. I'm hoping maybe the universe will smile on me and it will turn out Target will have got a stock of them and will have them out and for a good price....but I'm not holding my breath.

But yeah. What I really need is a run of cooler weather, and some rain to get the crud out of the air, so I stop hurting a little and feel better.