Thursday, April 06, 2017

I can has Friday?

Can it be Friday, or, more specifically, five pm on Friday, now?

Of course, that doesn't solve my grading problem, but at least it would allow me to go HOME to do it.

I gave an exam today. One person left whole swathes of it blank but that just makes me sad because I know that person is having boss-problems at work (as in: boss is either passive-aggressively trying to make it so person can never leave for a better job, or boss is just super demanding/clueless about how college works) and the student couldn't study enough.

The bigger issue, though: A student (not the same student) crossed out one of the questions I had written, wrote in their own version, and answered that. I mean, my procedural response to that is simple: it earns no points (and may God have mercy on your soul), but emotionally: it brought my day to a screeching halt.

Because first, WHO DOES THAT?!?!?!?!

And second: dang, but I'd love to "cross out" something I didn't want to do, and substitute something I preferred.

And third: no boss in the work-world is ever gonna fall for that.

And fourth: WHO DOES THAT?!?!?!!

And fifth: I see word that some knitterly types are coming out with books (Susanna IC, for example) and I look at that and feel despair because I could be writing knitting books where people will actually love me for it, but instead, I chose this path, and I wind up doing things like putting zeroes on exams that I will only get griped about for.

And sixth: WHO DOES THAT!?!?!?!?!

I don't know. I'm getting too old for this.

I still have to "work" the children's play tonight - spend an hour quickly making change and doing things like having someone shove a $50 bill at me wanting a $2 ticket. (In past years I wound up taking change out of my purse when we ran out of small bills, and I don't think I quite got back what I ponied up because math is hard at 8 pm when you've put in a full day).

I just....I would like to resign from being an adult for a few days and have someone take care of me. Someone fix food for me, someone actually care about whether I was happy or not....


To cap it off: my TA failed to show for lab today. No courtesy phone call or e-mail about "hey, I'm sick" or "I have a med-school interview" or anything. (One of my past TAs, he had a med-school interview, but he warned me 2 weeks in advance and also tried to find me some help).

I presume grading the labs for this week is on me. I am trying not to feel resentful except the TA gets paid for it and because I'm salaried, it's just another cairn on the rock-heap of what I have to get done.

And I know, I know, I shouldn't feel that way. But the inadvertent lesson to me of the furlough days last year was that my pay is not really tied to how hard I work, and it seems that I can constantly get more laid on my head to do....and with the furlough days, it was, "Here, we're gonna pay you for 38 hours a week instead of 40, but the 50 or so hours of work you have to do still needs to get done. And it's hard not to feel slightly resentful over that. (I know: I should be happy I have a job.)

Also having flashbacks to my previous TA who ran off, on v. short notice, when an ice-storm was threatening, because the thought of a weekend spent separated from her boyfriend was so unbearable.


I dunno. Right now I just feel very worn and very tired of going around feeling like I have to keep everyone else happy, but that there's no time or energy left to attend to my own happiness.

When I was a kid, I said "When I grow up, then people will listen to me and what I want will matter!"
Now that I'm an adult, I hold out hope that when I'm a retiree, I will get to do what I want and what I want will matter.

I fear that once I get to be a retiree, then I will be saying, "After I'm dead, other people's happiness won't matter and I can concentrate on me being happy.....oh, wait."


And I just got solicited by what I am quite sure is a predatory conference - a good bit outside of my field, they probably found me based on the class I teach that is a cognate for another major. They sent a very fawning and appreciative-sounding letter, with vague details of what was going on.

The conference costs $250 per day.

Most conferences I attend, the registration for the ENTIRE conference is less than $250 and that's for like three or four days. (And the Prairie Conference feeds us a couple meals, to boot).

I just....

On the one hand, I'm glad I'm smart enough and lack an over-inflated ego (which is what I think it would take for a person to fall for this). On the other hand, I'm sad that when I get a letter filled with glowing praise of me my first thought is "This is a big giant scam."

If I had infinite time and energy and wanted to  troll, I'd try stringing them along like that guy who did the 419eater thing, but I have no time and my energy is in the negative range (seriously, if I were a video-game character, there would be a row of empty hearts there), so I'm just going to curse at it and delete it.

But it sucks how much college profs are viewed as prey by these people - there are predatory journals, predatory vanity-presses, and now predatory conferences. I feel like a deer in the crosshairs. 

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