Thinking "out loud"

Not really out loud because it's just here on the blog.

I'm still thinking about my frustration/feelings of inadequacy in re: the whole tenure review process. (It doesn't help that one of our people is basically someone who is perfect at everything and I can't live up to that). And I don't know where the bar is set: a colleague tells me: "you are a good teacher. You don't skip out on class. You are not rude to the students. You help people. You have published a few papers recently. You serve on committees and you do other service. YOU ARE FINE." but then again: I haven't done any of the "over and above" things some of our people have done and it makes me worry I have done what is considered the bare minimum and that won't be enough. But maybe the bare minimum is a lot barer than what I do. I don't know.


I also feel frustration because again, a lot of the things I value and that are important to me and that give me a feeling like I am having some positive good in the world have no checkbox on the document I can check off. And so it gives me cognitive dissonance: *I* value this. *Other people* (eg., my fellow congregants) value this. But there's nowhere that my workplace says this should even exist" and it leads to tension because so often we are told that work should be our #1 priority.

Part of it is that I want something I probably shouldn't want. I want to be admired. I want there to be nothing I can be criticized on or told I need to improve in, because feeling like I need to improve means I feel like I've failed at everything. And granted, that's not true, but emotionally it feels true to me.

Also, I see books like this getting published and getting a fair measure of acclaim and what it says to me is "You are not willing to suffer enough to get anything you want in life. Look, that guy went out and had nearly 100 different bugs sting him so he could write a book. You could never do that."

And then another part of my brain goes: "But if that's what a person has to do to get recognized in the world today, I want no part of it." I have similar disgust with the fact that when someone who is technically accomplished and does their art WELL goes unrecognized, but someone who is willing to be crazy and "out there" and say or do outrageous things, even though they may be less technically accomplished or less devoted to keeping the traditions of the art alive....well, it just seems wrong to me, that a lot of people who work hard and are very good at what they do are largely ignored, but one person who is willing to clown a bit gets lionized.

And I admit, I am probably wanting the wrong things anyway. I am thinking in particular of a short Kirkegaard piece (in translation!!) that I shared at the last Elder's meeting, where Kirkegaard talked about how one of the faults of the "modern" world (as of his time; he lived in the mid-19th century) was that lots of people *admired* Christ but that very few actually *followed* Him, and that what He really wanted were followers and not admirers. But being a follower is hard, it requires you to do hard things and step out of your comfort zone; being an admirer means you can sit back and not really change yourself.

And while I don't want followers, and I am not comparing myself to Christ, I think one of the insidious tendencies of the modern world is this pressure to be admired. To be famous. To be "somebody." And if you aren't, sometimes you - or, well, sometimes I, I don't know about anyone else - feels like, "How have I failed? What am I doing wrong?" And probably it's just that most of us are just destined to work and live out our lives and NOT have admiration or anything like that, and I just need to get used to the model of adulthood that says, "If you're not being yelled at for how you screwed something up, you're doing fine."

And also the whole idea that you should be yourself because everyone else is already taken. Or that it's better to be a first-rate whoever you are than a second-rate copy of someone else. 

But it's hard. And I totally understand now the educational theory that says, "Don't praise children" because they DO get hooked on it, and one of the hardest adjustments to adulthood is going from being told how I would Do Great Things as a kid to realizing that I can at best, do small things. And it makes me frustrated and sort of existential-ragey: But I'm SMART. Everyone always told me I was SMART. And I WORK HARD. And yet, I feel so ineffectual a lot of the time.

Though I will say that's a big thing for me to have the church responsibilities and such in my life. Because that's one area where I feel like I AM having a good effect; where I am doing something worthwhile. It's a place where I feel better than merely competent, where I can relax and feel like myself.

And maybe a downside to - as I do - always trying to see the good in people is that I see everyone's "good" side and I see my own "bad" sides (because I live with myself, day in and day out) and so I have this perception that everyone else is more grown-up and has it more together than I do. And that's probably a fiction, but emotionally it's hard to overcome.