so I dunno

I'm probably okay in terms of what I'm doing. I tend to compare myself to other people too much and find myself wanting because I only see the best side of them, and I see all of my own weaknesses and foibles.

I COULD try talking to people at the various state agencies, or the Fish and Wildlife Service, and see if there are any small grants for things that might fit in with cedar-eradication programs, that's where I'm aiming for research. (Given how bad state funds are, it might be better to try the federal FWS or NRCS first). Part of it is I haven't cultivated "partnerships" the way I should have.

I did do an hour of research-reading today, despite coming off of lab from a way-overheated room (they fixed the heat, just in time for it to hit 80 here the end of this week) and after sieving soil that was apparently full of mold: either the heat in the room, the mold in the soil, or both caused me to break out in hives unlike any I've had recently. And I got a headache. And I'm trying to avoid NSAIDs after FINALLY today having my stomach and gut feel totally normal again.


***

I did buy little bottles of peppermint and lavender oil at  the natural-foods store; I have to combine a few drops of each in a bottle with some "neutral" oil (probably will be the extra-light olive oil as I am too cheap to buy almond oil or the other types of "neutral" oils massage therapists use) and then I can rub it into my temples for headaches - I have heard that gives some people relief.

***

Probably also I am more devoted to some of the more hands-on aspects of teaching and that takes my time from other things; research seems very much to be like the cobbler's children* for me because it's rarely urgent so I push it off to the end of the day in favor of things like typing up exams and grading and then I'm tired.

(*"The cobbler's children go without shoes")


I don't know. I suppose a person has to prioritize certain things in their life and for me that's being a good, communicative teacher (one of the things I pride myself on, and which seems to impress the students, is how fast I hand back exams and papers). And certain sorts of service - things like the Science Fair and the AAUW stuff - are important to me even if they aren't "on campus" service and hopefully they will still count.

(Also, all the textbook evaluation I do is technically service to the profession; I need to include that)

****

At least my shoulder is back to normal so I was able to work more on the "bee" socks (which could equally well be Checker Cab socks) while I read, which makes it go down a little better and also helps me focus. (Sometimes I wonder if I might have a touch of adult-onset ADD).

****

It's just hard. Someone on ITFF commented that academic work was like a goldfish that grows to fit the bowl (time) you give it, and I think that's very true: there's always more you can do and I am not good at knowing what is "enough" work short of being too tired to do more.

also, some other people have spouses in different professions who have more time for things like grocery shopping and housework, and I know lots of people in academia who eat most of their meals as either carry out or restaurant meals and I can't do that. And it's too depressing to exist on salads and yogurt....I HAVE to cook real food sometimes.