What is "enough"?

This is one of the things giving me woe right now.

We had the (hopefully final for this year) post-tenure review meeting today. Someone who is really outstanding and so it was a short meeting, but it makes me feel inadequate.

This is someone who teaches HARD classes, and teaches them with a lot of rigor. I don't have enough rigor but then again, when I get people earning 30 percents on exams (while others are earning in the 90s), I don't know what to do. I make myself available to give help, I do review sessions in class, but still, a person has to make a little of their own effort.

(One of the hard discussions, though, we may have to have as a department, is balancing rigor with retention - in other words, give up a little rigor so we keep more students so we don't risk losing some of our subprograms. It's a dilemma because both choices are bad)

Also, this is someone with a lot of grants. Now, in one of his areas of interest, there is more money available because it's an area that is economically important. The research I do is small and cheap and relatively few people outside of academia/conservation fields cares about it, so it's hard to get funding. Which means I can't pay students (well, I COULD, but it would have to be out of my own pocket, and then tax accounting get's sticky). Also, my areas of research are less "sexy" than what this individual does, so fewer students are interested to begin with.

(I will note that this is part of the general idiocy of a lot of the "follow your bliss" advice. I would advice young people - speaking as a cynical midlifer - NOT to follow their bliss, but to find a career that has value to others and that is tolerable to you. Because often following your bliss means, like me, you're in something almost no one cares about, and so funding is difficult. No one should HAVE to work in an intolerable job (though it's a fallen world and lots of people do) but I think given the way the world works, at least now, following your bliss is just a bad idea, better to settle for "this is okay and other people are willing to pay me")

I don't know how to change at this point. I have one future idea involving an invasive species so I MAY be able to chase down some funding once my pilot studies are done, I don't know. But I fear I will be found very lacking in my assessment, and I also fear (and I know, I know: I tried giving it up for Lent) that if RIFs come, I will be RIFfed, because of lower productivity.

Once again, I'm thinking of Plan Bs, because I feel like I need to have some kind of an idea. So far I'm coming up fairly dry. I don't want to move as my house is paid for, and if I moved, I'd probably have to rent (with all its associated headaches) and I might never own a house again. And I'm pretty settled here. But if the worst happened (the university just up and closed), the town would probably wither around it and maybe moving would be a better option. I don't know.

And again, my brain immediately goes to: you need to shut down the blog. You need to give away all your fabric and yarn and devote ALL your time outside of class to research. You need to request your internet connections be severed except for entirely work-related things.

I don't know. I wanted work life balance but I think I gave my life too much weight and I'm afraid it's going to hurt me. (And yes, one unfavorable review, if I even get that, which isn't that likely, won't get me fired. But I wish I were more perfect. Even if it meant me suffering by not having hobbies and the like.)

I don't know. Being an adult is hard and I think a lot of the younger generation have twigged to that and that's why there are stories about how "people won't grow up" any more. But being a Gen Xer, I was idealistic and stupid, and I grew up, and now I struggle.

Also, I worry my "service" isn't the "right kind" of service. I don't know. I feel like nothing I ever do is quite good enough.

Again, it's an issue of what I value coming into conflict with what the "world" values. I can't claim anything I do at my church as 'service' and so, I know there are people on this campus who would say, "You need to get shut of those responsibilities NOW so you can devote that time elsewhere" but it's IMPORTANT to me.

I don't know. I feel like I take more time for myself than I should be allowed given my profession but I also seem never to get enough done at home. And I do a lot of things that seem "invisible" - helping students during office hours and the like are not big flashy service like doing presentations to clubs and groups, but it's important. But there's no check-box for it!

This process really isn't designed to make us doubt ourselves but it's having that effect on me.