I shouldn't worry

But I always do.

Though perhaps, if I have a long enough string of positive doctor's visits, I'll eventually get over my fear.

I think, because I was a fundamentally very healthy person (save for allergies) until a couple years ago, I'm not used to going to the doctor. So my main associations with doctor's offices are:

a. You need a vaccination (I still don't like needles, and especially didn't as a child)
b. You hurt yourself badly and will need stitches or something else painful
c. Someone you care about is really sick or really hurt and you have to go with them to be their advocate.
d. You're likely to get bad news

And then there's also the disinfectant smell, which is a lot like the disinfectant smell at the vets'....and, well, the last few vet-visits my family was involved with were not happy ones, so.

Also, I had a very bad experience, years and years ago, of a doctor essentially yelling at me for being overweight and telling me I was ruining my health and crap. All blame, no advice on how to get not-overweight. And I sat there- I was far younger then than I am now - crying into a tissue and feeling a total failure and feeling horrible and guilty and awful. (Now, I'd probably sit there, sort of stony-faced, and then go find another doctor. I'm tougher now than I was)

My doctor is an EXTREMELY nice person. She knows that I know I'm overweight, she also knows that I know that, and that I'm active and I try to eat "right." So she doesn't bug me about my weight because I think she's figured out that I'm the kind of person nagging just makes worse.

But still, checkups make me nervous. Even though all that happens is that I get vitals checked, she listens to my heart and lungs and carotids and checks my ankles and calves for edema (spoiler alert: I've never had any and don't have any now).

Today was no different, but I was a bit bolder and was able to raise the issue of hives (her assessment: we're doing all we can do, if I could avoid mold better things would be better, but I can't, so.) and also to ask about atrial fibrillation, because I have a close relative who has it. "Well," her response was, "You ARE at higher risk because of the family connection, but really, the biggest risk is uncontrolled high blood pressure, and yours is controlled." She also told me I'd know if I had it - it feels very unpleasant. (Interesting, the relative I have who has it never complained of anything, but another person I know who has it describes it as feeling like "a toilet flushing in your chest." I mentioned that to her and she laughed and said that was an exact description of how it would feel). She also said she'd hear it if I had it, and she couldn't hear any sign of it.

(So I suppose it's good I found a doctor and got treated very shortly after I first suspected I had hypertension)

And my weight? Down a few pounds from last time. Not QUITE the lowest it's been in recent years, but getting there. And I haven't even been eating very restrictively! So I'm chalking this up as a big win for Kenn Kihiu and his workout regime. (And I was right about thinking, "You know, I feel thinner" after a few weeks of doing it). If I can keep eating like this, keep doing the workout, and still keep my weight under control (or, even, dare I hope: make it go down more), I will be a very happy person. I will also say about the workout that I've had far fewer knee or hip problems since doing it; I suppose I'm strengthening muscles that needed it.