Monday, June 16, 2014

Tee Emm Eye

Well, after my upset yesterday (which was probably generally explicable by my hatred of loud noise, conflict, and my general misinterpretation that people actually mean the stuff they say in the heat of anger), I kind of moped around for a while. I did mow the lawn, as I said, which, while it needed it (and I edged, too), wasn't great for my allergies.

I also spent some time just hanging out online, which I find is a displacement behavior for me - an attempt to distract my brain from what's bothering me. It doesn't always work. (DOGE2048, while an entertaining game when you are stuck in your office waiting on a tardy student to send you their letter on what they learned about friendship this week to show up for an appointment, isn't much help when you're brooding.

I also don't recommend doing what I did after that. Some little corner of my brain popped open and said, "Hey, didn't R.E.M. or somebody do a song about how everyone cries some times?"

Yeah, they did, but....

It didn't help me like I thought it would. Oh, it's helpful to remember that everybody hurts, as the song said, but it didn't cheer me up and actually made me cry a bit more. Because everything seems so screwed up right now. Globally, locally, in my own life. And while I know I can power through this and get through to the other side, and that I'll find something to be happy about again shortly...still, it stinks while you're in it.

(And yeah, I get that that song could be (and has been, in a PSA campaign) as a commentary to encourage people thinking of doing something drastic to "hold on" and go talk to somebody. But I think it does also apply to the sort of ordinary junk that people deal with, and tend to power through, everyday).

And then....oh, what was it I was watching? Oh, yeah, a few minutes of the old Disney cartoon of Robin Hood (the one with the foxes and badgers and stuff). And it was the scene where Little John and the young boy rabbit think Robin has been killed, and they start to tear up. And dangit, I started to tear up. And I was like WHAT IS GOING ON HERE THIS MAKES NO SENSE YOU KNOW IT'S A CARTOON AND YOU KNOW IN FIFTEEN SECONDS HE WILL SHOW BACK UP.

So I went to the calendar, and did a little counting and a little figuring. And here's where the tmi part comes in: One of the joys of being the age I am? Apparently every fourth month or so carries with it a week where EVERYTHING makes me cry. And knowing that it's biochemical more than emotional doesn't really give me the power to prevent it (Which is mindboggling to me, and frustrating). And yup. That's now. That's why I'm crying over scenes of "mild peril" in a kids' movie, or brooding over an alt-rock band's anthem, all of that.

Also I find it hard to calm my mind down at night. I went to bed early but it was a solid three hours (based on the time I last looked at the clock) before I actually slept. (Actually, that seems to be as much a family trait as anything. My brother has commented on how some nights it's hard for him to power his brain down to sleep, and my mother has complained of that). But for me, it's worse right now.

Also, my allergies got bad thanks to mowing and edging. My eyes are all puffy this morning, probably a combo platter of crying too much over stupid things and the pollen and dust that got kicked up. They're some better now, by virtue of having been vertical for a couple hours (allows the fluid to go back to whereever it came from) and having taken my daily antihistamines.

But yeah. Just a week I'm going to have to power through. I have plans to do fieldwork on Friday. Possibly Saturday I'll go antiquing or something as a reward for making it through this week....

1 comment:

Charlotte said...

I assume you wear a dust mask when you mow. Have you considered wearing safety goggles to protect your eyes from the dust? Back when I did my own yard (I now have a service come do it) I had to wear knee socks, a long skirt, long sleeves, a dust mask and hat. Even with all that precaution, I'd have to shower as soon as I came in the house or I'd scratch until I bled due to my allergies.