needed something simple

 I was just TIRED this evening. I think the weight of all the stuff that's happened in my day-to-day these past few weeks just hit me, and I was not just tired, I was despairing a little.

At first I thought I didn't have the energy to do the second bit of piano practice for the day (did the first bit before going in to work), but after dinner I decided to force myself and it DID make me feel better. At times like that, when I feel like I can't handle something complex, I pull out one of the books of Philip Keveren hymn arrangements, which are really scaled to "early intermediate" (I am PERHAPS advanced intermediate, may never get better than that) and it's nice to play something that is familiar (a number of these were assignments back when I took lessons) and is simple enough I don't have to fight the music, I can just more or less play.

I didn't feel up to the sweater, so I pulled out the plain stockinette socks (Dream in Color, from before PE bought them, their yak blend yarn in the color "alive");

 I didn't do a lot on it tonight but I am getting close (one more inch at least, though) for the heel flap.

Watched some of the new iteration of "Scrubs," I remembered sort of liking the show when it was first on. One storyline was about self-doubt and I admit that hit kind of hard, because with the difficult students (and some other things), that's kind of my constant mental companion right now (just like grief was in the weeks after my dad died). I still kind of enjoyed it. I dunno, I know my taste in tv is not great and also a lot of the "prestige type" shows (the few on cable; I don't want to deal with paid streaming - I do get Passport because I have a monthly donation to PBS) are often so dark and so populated with antiheroes. I don't think distressing, violent, sad, or cynical content is really any smarter than something that maybe either cheers you up or reminds you that what you're going through, other people experience. But it seems a lot of folks do think that. Also watched the tail end of a NOVA that I would probably have watched more of if I knew the episode was about the cave paintings in France; that's interested me for a while.

Had the first person ask me about my Bluey lunch kit today. Our grad student TA (who is, I think a bit older than the average grad student; I've seen him wear a t-shirt declaring he's "from the 90s" which would make him at least 5 years older than our typical grad students) poked his head in my office and asked me if I was busy, because he had a silly question. (I wasn't, I was contemplating leaving for the day) and he asked if I REALLY carried a Bluey lunch kit. And I said yes, I had to have SOMETHING to carry my lunch in, and it is insulated, and there's a pocket where I can stow an ice pack in warm weather and I can tuck the spoon for my yogurt. I didn't come out and say something like "I like Bluey, what of it?" but I think that's implied. 

But now I feel weird about it. 

I have too many memories - I talked about being mocked by my peers for liking the (OG: 1978-ish) Muppet movie as a fifth grader. And while I don't think this guy would mock me, or even really think less of me....well, I have an ongoing issue with feeling judged by other people. 

But whatever. I'm telling myself it's okay, everyone is messy and weird, and as being weird goes liking a cartoon aimed at under-10s is a pretty innocent form of "weird." 

But I don't LIKE seeming weird. I would like to seem more normal. Because I've always been weird and often been excluded for it.