it's THAT day

 Yeah. 25 years on. Almost half my life. 

I still have vivid memories of the day - we had just moved into the building where we are right now, but I was still walking across campus (a half-mile at that point) to buy a copy of the Dallas Morning News (the bookstore used to get it) to read while I sat in my office hours.  And in those days I didn't have classes on Tuesdays, so it was an office hours/other work day. That may actually have been the last day I bought that paper, ever. 

When I walked in the room - it was probably around 9 am local time. Normally the bookstore was playing a local country-music station but today it was a newscaster on, with that terrible hushed-but-urgent voice that meant - even before I could comprehend the words - that something bad had happened.

I asked the clerk about it when she checked me out. "Oh," she said, "A plane hit the World Trade Center in New York City." I don't think any of us realized at that point; I visualized a little tourist plane (I don't even know if they do plane tours, I knew in Hawaii they did helicopter tours and those occasionally have tragic crashes) and thought "how awful, and what a foolish mistake that pilot must have made. I hope everyone in the building is okay...."

As I was crossing a parking lot (over by the old Arts building, since torn down), one of the Art faculty stopped me: "They are saying it's terrorists" she said. 

I got back up to my office and tried to bring up some news. NY Times, CNN, the usual news sites - could not get access to any of them because there was such a load of people trying to read them. I finally checked in with a bulletin board I was part of back then and someone who lived in Manhattan was on and was explaining what was happening. 

After a bit I went down to the office, because I guess I didn't want to be alone. Our secretary had managed to rig a small black and white tv with extra antennas (this was back before the digital conversion, back when you could pull in signals from the air). By then the towers had collapsed but we all saw the replay; I remember we were standing in a semi circle around the tv. I was hugging myself with my arms because I was scared. (And now: only one person who was in that group, other than me, is still teaching, everyone else has retired)

Eventually they sent us all home. I don't know to this day if they thought it was for our safety (expecting more attacks) or if it was "Well, no one will be able to concentrate on work anyway" or if it was done out of respect for the dead. 

That was such a strange fall, and perhaps in some ways, it sowed the seeds for the divisiveness we have today. I remember some businesses in my parents' town (more diverse than here) that were owned by various Middle-Eastern (or even Indian or Pakistani; people wanted to attack anyone with brown skin and an accent in those days) put up big "GOD BLESS AMERICA" signs on their stores, I suppose hoping it would protect them. (When really: the attack was carried out by a very small minority of what was a very small minority group within only one of the ethnic groups, and I'm still not totally convinced that their motivation was what we were told it was)

And I remember all the accounts of missing people; one I remember is how the Patternworks webpage (this was back before they were bought out, back when they were still in Poughkeepsie under the original owners) had a photograph of the husband of one of the people who worked there. I presume he died in the towers...

(I might, this evening, get out one of my KnitLit books and read the couple of essays that were written shortly after that time, just as commemoration) 

 

Anyway, some years later I came across this on Sirus XM on September 11. It took me a while to figure it out. I can't say I LIKE it given what it commemorates but I think it is good art, and I think the feelings it brings  ring true for me - the numinousness, the "what would you do if," the horror of thinking of all those lives ending at about the same time - and all the families changed forever and horribly so, no real chance to say goodbye:

 ****

Other than that, it's been an upsetting week. A few things I can't talk about. The latest thing that jolted me momentarily, but which resolved okay - I was trying to finish up grading in my office (it was already after 4 pm) and my phone rang. I didn't look at the number, it just announced "Mom" and I wondered "why is she calling now"

Well, I picked up and a neighbor gave her name and said "I have your mother here...." and I thought immediately "oh no. Did she fall? did she get hurt? Did Jackie have to call an ambulance? Are they at the hospital" I didn't exactly yell into the phone but I know I shakily asked if my mom was okay. "Oh, she's fine. Her landline is broken." Jackie was helping my mom refamiliarize herself with the cell phone she never uses and had her call me so I would know. And she wanted me to call my brother so HE'D know. (I wound up having to text him her cell phone number, she didn't have it). 

Apparently someone is coming to fix it Monday but hopefully my mom is clear enough on using the cell phone (these days sometimes her working memory isn't the greatest, especially when she's flustered.) I guess I'll know in a few minutes when I try calling her on her cell. 

But yeah. This week has been A LOT and it's still hot out, and I am just extremely tired.