* I'm not getting much of my own stuff done. Grading is a lot; prepping for teaching is a lot. There are some new paperwork burdens added on us (for some students I have to report midterm grades to three different offices and one of the systems I had to use for one set of them was horribly buggy; it'd back out of everything, back to the home page, after I filled in about three grades and attendances and it was frustrating to have to do a little bit, click back in, do a little more. I hate having my time wasted, especially for something I don't personally value. And this is maybe where I become the stereotypical aging Gen Xer: when I was a student, the only way I knew my grades was by keeping the exams and homeworks that were handed back to me, and computing them myself. Some of the professors weren't even very friendly if you went in and asked (if they hadn't handed stuff back in a timely fashion).
We have an online gradebook where each student can see their own grades (and only their own grades) and frankly that's one of the best teaching innovations in the past 20 years, because students can see not just what their grades are, but whether I've graded something or not (because I post grades within 12 hours or so of finishing grading).
But I do not like being told to send that information to separate offices on campus, especially when the interface is new, poorly vetted, and buggy.
* We also still don't have a computer lab. I asked my chair, he said he'd been "leaning on" the guy at IT, because all the wiring is done, the computers are in, but they seem not to be making it a priority. I reminded him in another week or so it would become a medium-sized problem for me as I need to teach my stats class the stats package we use, and the last few labs in ecology I wanted to do using the online simulations.
I DO have "hands on" labs that are poorer and weaker (show fewer details) for two of the labs and I could use them. But I will also remind my students that it was NOT MY CHOICE that they are learning mark and recapture using beads (I am NOT driving to Sherman and back to buy crickets, and I'm not spending HOURS trying to find enough rolly pollies or something to do a lab with live material) but that circumstances necessitate it.
And I sent a fairly strongly worded e-mail to IT saying that if they don't have time to set up the computer lab by the end of next week, I need the stats package on the classroom computer, so I can AT LEAST demo the different techniques for the class. It's not good, it's definitely not ideal, but it's the best I can do at this point. (I am NOT trying to teach them to do ANOVA using Excel)
All of this and some other things make me feel like I'm failing at my job. I DO NOT LIKE feeling like I'm failing; this is ALL I have in my life and feeling like I'm failing here makes me feel like a failure at life and I don't like that at all.
* And yes, all the other stuff in the world is getting to me. The destruction of the East Wing being the latest thing; I had a shaggy plan to visit DC some day and see the landmarks I saw as a tiny child and barely remember (the National Zoo, the Lincoln Memorial, and travel out to Mt. Vernon) and other things I don't remember or didn't see. (I guess there are no more White House tours, though. I might have - under a different president - have liked to have taken one).
And that's not even the worst thing, I get it, and people on Bluesky are scolding people for feeling bad about it when there are worse things. But it's a thing that feels visceral to me, and I feel how I feel.
So everything seems kind of terrible right now, and there don't feel like a whole lot of consolations
* We're supposed to get an Aldi's soon here but I think the Alberstons' - which I was really hoping for - has been cancelled. Aldi is good for a lot of people but the stuff like produce is sold in large enough quantities it's not useful to me, and I am not taking on the additional emotional labor of trying to link up with another solo cook and having us try to split orders (and anyway: there are so many fruits and vegetables I can't eat because of my allergies, I'm sure a normal person would get frustrated over someone who would never buy carrots or zucchini)
* I'm watching the new "Matlock" which is very unlike the old "Matlock" except in name. I WANT to like it, because the actors in it are good, but everyone is so morally GREY and I am WORN OUT by moral greyness and outright badness. And it feels like either the "good guys" won't win, or, more likely - there are no "good guys"
and yes, I know,t hat's real life: no one is fully good, everyone is morally tainted, we all lie and cheat or don't do things we should. But I would like some entertainment that is different. (That may actually be why I like cartoons so much; in a lot of the really kid-oriented ones there isn't the moral greyness, and even in ones like Bob's Burgers - well, even though Louise "reads" as cynical and selfish, in a lot of episodes you see that she does care about other people, and she also really cares about being a decent person, deep down.
* part of this is surely me being worn out from teaching four classes, a couple of which have some demanding or difficult people in them. And just all the other stuff.
* I did purchase Amtrak tickets for December (I already had the ones for Thanksgiving) and unless the shutdown continues and it gets to the point Amtrak can't run, or someone elsewhere in government shuts it down. And I hate that I have to worry about that; it compromises my ability to feel happy about it.
* I also made an appointment to get my eyes checked. It's been more than a year, and I really need to do it annually given my family history. And I think my astigmatism and maybe my distance vision have got worse, so I need a new prescription, and anyway, the frames on my current glasses are kind of trashed. It will be expensive but being able to pick out new frames is a small consolation there. (I have a sizable amount in savings to cover it; I may also order a new pair of prescription sunglasses because the coating on my existing pair, which are fifteen years old, is starting to wear off part of one lens, and that's probably not safe.
* I don't know, times just feel hard right now. I feel like things would be better if I maybe had a little more positive reinforcement but maybe everyone around me is just too exhausted to think about that, and of course, when I'm at home I'm all by myself and no one speaks to me. I'm not ready to get a cat - there are so many things I'd have to put away and so many tight spaces I'd have to be sure they wouldn't get stuck in - but maybe some day I do that, get a cat or a calm medium sized dog, just so I have some other sentient being there that maybe will like me.
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