what a week

 Yes, I know:

 But it's been A Week. And if you count the incidents since last Wednesday.....

 The most recent ones: 

- a delegation was sent to speak with the parents (one is a stepparent) of the difficult person. The hope was they'd be told "oh no, it sounds like they went off their meds again, we'll try to step in" BUT now it looks increasingly like it isn't a "meds" situation, it is "this person's parents are like this too and they learned to act like this* from them" and so there's no good resolution going to happen

(*acting like the victim in every encounter while at the same time being deeply unpleasant to other people trying to help them)

So there's really no fixing the problem.

People are so disappointing and heartbreaking.

- Got an e-mail late in the day yesterday (fortunately did not see it before I left campus) where a student disclosed to me sexual abuse (recent) at the hand of a relative. I am a required reporter. I have no choice in the matter; it has to be reported to a couple offices here. The biggest thing is that the student reported that the perpetrator is disagreeable and can get violent when confronted.

So, I took a deep breath and e-mailed the student explaining that I HAD to report it, there was no two ways around it*

And with the help of a colleague who had done it before, I got the details submitted. I haven't heard anything back yet; maybe I won't. I hope nothing bad happens to the student as a result. 

It is an upsetting and horrible thing now (maybe always has been) that doing the right thing makes you feel worried and bad.

(*I abide by laws. Depending on what laws may come down the pike that COULD change; for example, if I were told to submit the names of students "not born in the US" I would not - not only do I not know unless they tell me, but I am not going to hazard a guess based on things like accent. After all, Lawrence Welk grew up in one of the Dakotas but sounded German) 

And I know; someone told me that "it speaks well of you that the student trusted you enough to disclose this to you" but still. I wish none of it had happened

***

I was driving back to my office yesterday after teaching my morning classes and the thought popped into  my mind: "you'll never be able to go to the JoAnn's near you again, you'll never be able to wander the aisles looking at craft supplies" and I was just so deeply sad again.

And if Michael's goes? Not much left. And as I said before: I doubt in the current economy that there will be craft stores starting up again. Maybe online. But online ordering only takes you so far, and you can't use it as a way to get AWAY from home or from work to just go to a neutral third place where I felt welcome. I'm not even sure what there will be for me in the future; it's like nowhere wants to appeal TO ME and I get it, I'm a woman and I don't have tons of money or kids or a spouse so I don't matter. But I wish there were at least the illusion somewhere I did.

*** 

I keep seeing snarky comments or snarky discussion of stuff online and I wish we could grow past snark. That kind of surficial attitude towards everything, where everything is worthy of being mocked and made small, hurts my heart. There should be some things that are still important; some things we should still be earnest and serious about. 

And also deriding people for the small comforts in their lives, calling it "cringe" or whatever.....Life is hard. Life is so terribly hard right now. Let people have a little comfort if it's not hurting anyone. Let people watch tv shows you think are silly, or do hobbies you find pointless, or "waste" their time re-reading books that immerse them for a few minutes in a nicer world than this.

I honestly  don't know why our society thinks being that "over it all" sixteen year old, or that supercilious college sophomore who thinks they're smarter and cooler than everyone else is such a thing to be striven for.

Our goal, frankly, should be to be kind to others. Or at the very least, to leave them alone. 

***

I don't know. My lab for today is done, I technically don't have office hours. I have to finish my lunch and try to do a little research reading but I might knock off early just to get home a little earlier and maybe, I don't know, just watch cartoons and try to knit. 

I did get more done- not quite to the heel flap but within a couple rows -  on those multi socks using the "Griswold Family Christmas Tree" yarn.

I still want to start new projects but I need to work on the things I have going currently 

***

I can tell something in my emotions are raw right now, someone responded rudely (not directly to me; about the concept I was quoting) online to something and I just recoiled.  I know I have always been "too sensitive" but some days it's worse, some days all I want is a little comfort and maybe something equivalent to  a headpat, but of course the world isn't in the business of doling those out even when you need them. 

 

I'm afraid I'm going to cry at Maundy Thursday service; and I'm one of the leaders of it. Holy Week is hitting really hard/differently/making me think about all the evil in the world this year and it's honestly a little tough to bear.