I've been trying to do some more on the current vest (the yellow one I posted earlier) but it's slow and it's hard to be motivated. It's been a hard week. Both because of the outside world (all those years I had money taken out of my paycheck to invest towards an eventual retirement, and it's now all burned up, because of a small group of selfish men and their bad moods - 25 years of making do with less because I thought it would ensure my future, and, oh well I guess I teach until I die now). It's hard not to feel cheated because you played by the rules you were taught, and it turns out either those rules have changed, or you were actually lied to all along and those rules never existed in the first place.
And the world is just MEAN. I wonder if I'm just not suited for this world. Or if maybe it is just an evil place where it really is "grab all you can before the other guy gets some"
I don't know how to cope with the world now.
Or that I never grew up to the point where I can cope with the world. I mean I still watch mainly kids' programming! (I have Wreck-It Ralph on right now, and it just passed Vanellope's "transformation" scene, and, oh, how good it would be to suddenly be shown that because you are....I guess good, and have a pure heart, and stuff, that you're really a princess, and the people who were nasty to you apologize...and of course you forgive them).
I remember a t-shirt I once saw, that said something like "in kindergarten, we learned to be kind to one another. Why wasn't that lesson repeated through life?" and yeah, really.
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I'm also just tired and hurting. It's been chilly again and rained nearly all week, and I find rainy weather makes my knee hurt worse. And yesterday morning I woke up having a near asthma attack (probably a combination of allergies, having gotten too cold overnight (I had to put the heat back on when I got up), having tensed up the day before because of some things, and then having to drive a 15 passenger van which always makes me anxious. In me, they manifest like muscle cramps around my chest and upper back so I'm sore today from that. (I did manage to get a workout in this afternoon and that helped a little)
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Yesterday I worked the children's play twice. I normally don't have time during the days but because of my goofy schedule this semester, I was free from 11 on on Thursday. So I volunteered to help.
I kind of wish I hadn't. It was chaos - every class had a teacher with a baggie of bills and change (the schools are *supposed* to send a check for all the classes going but more commonly they put the burden of dealing with the money on us/they don't have the money to pay for the kids so they ask the kids to ask their parents for the couple of bucks). It came fast and difficult and we may have missed getting some of the money and we definitely missed getting an accurate count.
It was also LOUD and I find I have an increasing lack of tolerance for LOUD. There were also a couple kids melting down - screaming and crying, and yeah, I get it, at least one of them probably had autism (they were wearing those big noise blocking headphones) and while I sympathize and get they don't control it, it did not help my mood to hear it. (more and more I wonder if I was some flavor of neurodivergent as a kid, it was just that I got good at covering it up and stuffing the way I felt down - I mean I have always reacted strongly and negatively to noise and chaos and learned early on that that wasn't "normal" for a kid, so I sort of gritted my teeth and went through it.
But I do notice that as I've gotten older -especially after living through the pandemic and also some of the losses I've had, I've developed even less tolerance for things that I once just put up with. Oh, I never say anything, because I know it won't help, but it seems like I feel the discomfort of noise or rude people or chaos even more.
But I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to get good again at just stuffing down the discomfort and ignoring it, but I also think that there's not going to be much consideration in the future for my own comfort. (Maybe I just mostly stay home, where it's quiet, forever)
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